01x20 - Wake Up Time

[bunniefuu]

[Acoustic music plays]

[Door opens, closes]

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Sh! Sh! Sh!

The guys are playing emotional chicken.

Whoever cries to this song first loses.

I've got 20 bucks on Bobby.

Listen to the words.

This dad had no time for his boy.

Sound familiar?

Travis is a man now.

His childhood's gone, and you missed it.

You work so much.

Stan used to cry when you left, but now he doesn't.

Your son grew up without you.

Your son is forgetting you.

Oh! I'm so sorry, Stan!

Oh!

Bobby, you got change for a 20?

[Groans]

I would so rock at this game.

It's harder than you think.

You have to hold eye contact.

I always hold eye contact with people.

It totally freaks out my gyno.

Hey.

Trav! Let's go play catch.

I'm good.

Look at my face. Never forget me.

He won't look at me!

He won't look at me!

He won't look at me!

Oh, everybody's acting weird.

I don't think baby Stan looks very much like you at all.

Really?

[Jules] Sometimes the traits that fathers pass on to their sons are more subtle.

For instance, Bobby and Travis...

They share the same skin tone when Bobby is sick.

Can we just pretend I'm not here, please?

No. I'm done doing that.

You all right?

[Sighs]

Kylie dumped me, OK?

Happy?

[Grunts] Travis is so heartbroken.

But guess who gets to fix him?

Please don't make me say, "You."

I can wait all day, so...

[slurps] Mm!

Ah!

You?

Me!

Ellie, it was so sad.

Last night, he put his head on my shoulder, and he just cried.

One little tear landed right there.

That's not from the tear. It's 'cause I just keep tasting it all day.

[Slurps] Mm.

Wow! I...

Wow.

This cabernet is monkey pee, but I'll take a case, but only because you sleep with me.

That's how I sell most of this stuff.

I have to say, we think it is so sexy that you're a wine vendor.

I haven't blushed like this since we met that other wine vendor.

[Sara] Come for dinner tonight.

I can't cook, but I'll bring tons of free wine.

Marry me.

Jules?

[Sucking]

Stop it!

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't tonight.

I have to comfort my son.

Hey, Andy and Ellie are coming for dinner tonight.

Hooray.

[Slurps]

Sh!

He's gotta have at least one feature that looks like me.

[Chuckles]

Nah! Nope.

Sometimes kids look like other relatives.

For instance, I look exactly like my biological dad's handsome brother who lived with us until my mom got pregnant with me and then my dad made him move out.

I've given my son nothing. [scoffs]

When I'm this depressed, I need to eat.

You can sometimes get free chicken in this park.

Where?

Petting zoo.

Dude, no.

It's like taking shampoos from a hotel.

They expect you to do it.

[Laughing]

They really don't.

[Sobbing]

I hope I'm not bringing you down.

Listen, I know that you hate women right now.

But when you go off to college, I want you to know that you will never have to worry about a date on Friday night.

Because you will always have one, honey.

Do you know who?

Please don't make me say, "You."

[Voice cracks] You?

Me!

If you go to college within six hours, I'm gonna drive there.

And if you don't, then we can rent the same movie and watch it while we're on the phone.

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

Sounds horrifying.

Don't mind me. I'm just making dinner.

I need to borrow a spatula.

Hey, Trav. Chin up.

Chicks dig the whole sad, wounded thing.

Thanks.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to cheer him up.

Dude, stop it!

I need this.

That really hurt.

Sorry.

Do it again.

Get out. Go.

Great meal, baby.

I concur.

So, Sara, did you not eat dessert because you've got weird body issues?

[b*mb exploding]

What is happening?

When Andy has some drinks, he likes to ask these dicey questions.

He calls them "question bombs."

And he's gonna stop right now.

Fire in the hole!

So do you enjoy intercourse with Sara even though you once said that having sex with someone over 25 is really disgusting?

[b*mb exploding]

I didn't... [chuckles]

Did not...

You're not disgusting.

[Sara] Thank you.

Can I come over there and make that sound with you?

Sure. Andy, rapid-fire.

Have you ever gotten a girl pregnant?

[b*mb exploding]

How come you don't have any black friends?

[b*mb exploding]

Are you worried that Sara's gonna feel insecure because you're so tight and flirty with Jules?

Kaboom.

Jules and I are just friends.

I promise.

No more of this stupid game.

I wouldn't sweat it.

[Snoring]

When did he undo his pants?

Cute for an ugly person.

Ugly for a cute person. Hot in Ireland.

I do not understand the rules of this game.

Jules! Isn't that Travis' ex-girlfriend?

Little whore in her pink cardigan.

Back me up, Laurie.

Yeah. I bet she...

...plays tennis and writes thank you notes.

What? This one's hard.

She's so cute.

She can't just break my son's heart and then have coffee.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Whoa! Jules...

As my uncle dad always told me, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

You don't wanna do this.

You know, you're right...

For someone who's wrong.

No, no, no... Hey, Kylie.

Hi. What you got there?

Little peppermint latte?

Laurie, throw this out.

No.

Yeah. That just happened.

You think you can go around hurting whoever you want, but when there's a mama bear around, you better watch out, because she might just rip your face right off and make you take a long, hard look at yourself.

Come on. Look at it!

I love Travis.

I broke up with him because he cheated on me.

Why didn't you stop me?

Put it down, Jules.

Put the face down.

I still can't believe Travis is a cheater.

He must have inherited the cheater gene from Bobby.

What did Travis even do?

Cheating is kind of hard to define.

[Ellie] Not to me.

Cheating includes but is not limited to sex, hugging, kissing and winking.

Gray areas are mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, holding the elevator and dreams, which you can control.

Andy, punishment for cheating?

Removing my own genitalia with garden shears while you watch.

Wow.

I don't think it's cheating if you're on vacation, if it's out of pity or if you both keep your tops on.

So many thoughts about that.

I just can't let Travis turn into his dad.

I'm gonna have to b*tch-slap some sense into him.

Hey, people.

Hey, sweetie.

I got you some fudge pops.

What? Takes some prep time to be able to b*tch-slap.

[Whispering]

Good morning, sunshine.

No, too early for her.

You cannot complain after the very filthy things I did to you last night.

My dad left when I was a kid.

Got messed up sexually.

I had a crappy father, too.

But I didn't go slutty.

I just died inside.

Oh! You two have so many cute things in common.

Let me get you some coffee.

Would you calm down, you big baby?

I like her. I'm not gonna screw things up for you.

For instance, Sara was just telling me you're not great at the chest-area foreplay, so you might wanna skip that in the future.

You're welcome.

I hate you.

I don't care.

Eh?

I don't know why, but that is making me really sad.

OK, so... Stan's not your twin.

I'm sure you guys have other things in common, right?

You mean, does he share my love of butter lettuce or Mary Higgins Clark novels?

I don't know, Laurie. He's a baby.

Andy, think.

When you were his age, what did you love?

Baby animals.

See?

I bet that Stan will love baby animals, too.

Oh!

Bobby said there's that petting zoo at the park!

Honey, I'll go with you.

Thanks, Laurie, you're being great.

Aw!

No, that's cheating!

OK... Travis, I asked your dad to come here today to talk to you about something really, really important.

Now, son, I know how you look up to your old man, and I can do no wrong in your eyes.

[Groans]

Just go with it.

That is why this is hard for me to admit, but when your mom and I were married...

...I cheated on her.

What? No!

Wait. What?

Hold on. Let me pick something off the floor...

My jaw.

You know?

Everyone knows.

The guy at the pizza place would say, "Two medium pepperonis, and you deserve better."

I figured it out when you gave me a lollipop not to tell mom I saw you and that Native American lady taking a... bath.

You nailed Linda Blackfoot?

Travis's speech therapist?

[Travis] I had a speech therapist?

You couldn't say your 'M's when you were little.

You sounded like a tiny, white rapper.

[Jules and Bobby] "More juice, please."

[Both guffawing]

OK. We're getting off track.

All right, Trav, your mom and I both agree, cheating isn't cool.

You don't wanna go your dad's road, just hurting girl after girl after girl.

Actually, you're the only one I ever cheated on.

Oh, good. I'm special.

Jules, listen.

I got nothin'. I thought you were gonna cut me off.

[Jules] Damn it, Bobby.

The one thing that made me feel OK was the fact that I wasn't the only woman you did this to.

OK, OK.

So the lesson here, Travie, is that if you're gonna cheat, cheat on everyone equally.

That is not the lesson!

You owe me a lollipop, snitch.

You know, Sara, it's not easy for me to make new friends.

No.

Keep moving, Stretch.

Anyway, I feel like you and I have really connected.

I mean, mostly 'cause you think I'm really funny and pretty and...

And what?

No. It's your turn.

Brave?

Brave. I like being brave.

Can you answer a tough question?

Of course. That's how brave people roll.

This whole Grayson-Jules thing...

You think I have something to worry about?

Thanks for taking care of me.

Well, the first two dozen fried cheese sticks were free.

Soon you have to pay.

No, I won't, 'cause Bobby only cheated on me.

Not sure that absolves you from financial responsibility.

He wasn't the only one.

I remember I caught Billy Miller in kindergarten eating another girl's paste.

That's not a metaphor, is it?

No.

And gross!

OK, so what?

Two people. Is that it?

That's a good question.

[Doorbell rings]

Jules...

And Grayson.

Is this going to be fun or weird?

Did you ever cheat on me?

So fun, then.

[Andy] Hi! I got long ears.

I got floppy ears.

I got floppy, floppy ears.

See? Stan hates it.

[Crying]

Yeah, but that might have more to do with the weird goat wrangler that did upsy-daisies without asking.

Oh, no, no. Bobby.

Hey! A goose. I used to love gooseys when I was a kid.

Then Stan's gonna love them, too.

I'll record it. And just FYI, if you can get Stan to ride the goose, we will, like, shut down the Internet.

Hey, Stan, say hi to Mr. Honk-Honk.

[Honking]

Ow! Ow!

Mr. Honk-Honk, no!

No, Jules, I never cheated.

Well, you heard him. Let's go.

Once we were exclusive, I was totally faithful.

Less is more, Jeff.

Wait, we slept together for three weeks before we said we were exclusive.

Right. But not exclusively.

I was exclusive.

I didn't even self-love.

Wow. How'd you get through it?

He's right. It's not that big a sacrifice for women.

It is if you have insomnia, and your friend finally tells you how to do it so you don't feel like a fool...

Lock the door, lights out, lots of blankets.

Goodbye, Jeff.

Thanks for stopping by, Jules.

Grayson, you can go, too.

Right.

Are you in your bathtub because you're sad?

Who cares about Jeff?

It's Bobby, Jeff, paste boy...

They all cheated.

And all this time, I put it on them.

But guess who's the common denominator?

Don't make me say, "You."

You?

Me!

Should probably be enough, but...

I bring it on myself.

Good. You're here...

...pretending to give Jules a bath.

I should go.

No, wait. You...

What'd you say to her?

Stuff.

That's never good.

You really said to Sara she should be worried about me?

That must've been hard to say.

I've always been very brave, Jules.

We know that about me.

Plus Sara's my friend and I...

Whoa!

Now she's your friend?

No! I mean, we just had a glass of wine.

You drank wine with her during the day?

Come on! That's our thing!

Is there anyone in the world that's not cheating on me?

Are you really upset?

No. I mean, you are a filthy skank.

But I guess I'm past it.

You're lucky. No one would ever betray you.

No, that would be foolish.

But good ol' Jules... You know, just cheat on her all you want, and she'll still have you in her life.

Hey, Trav. If you know anybody who's looking for a human doormat, tell 'em to give me a call.

Okey-dokey, artichoke-y.

Why are you so happy?

Kylie took me back...

Boom!

The dream continues.

It's too late for me, but I can still save her.

Travis, someday you'll thank me!

Am I gonna thank her?

I doubt it.

Don't listen to Ellie.

Now, yes, I have an attractive single friend, but I'm sure you have plenty of them, too.

Yeah, but I've slept with all mine.

Well, I haven't.

OK, I have.

A lot. But not with Jules.

Why not? Are you saving her?

Saving her? She's not a cupcake.

Now, look, I'm with you.

I'm gonna close the bar early tonight and be back here by 8:00.

I'll make dinner, then we'll jump in the shower, and I'll clean your breasts.

You say that like it's for me.

Have you seen those things?

They are filthy.

Bobby, this chicken is delicious.

It's special bird, hand-fed by children.

Andy, why aren't you having any?

Because...

[gasps] Freeze!

Is that a hickey on your neck?

Go get the garden shears!

No, no, no. It's a goose bite.

I took Stan to the petting zoo.

Permission to unfreeze?

No!

I'm sorry, Boo. It's just this whole thing with Jules has put cheating on the brain.

I'll let it go.

Thank you.

Who'd you go to the petting zoo with?

No one.

Kylie, women like us are always gonna get hurt.

We just love too hard.

You know, my mom used to tell me that no one wants to buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

I mean, what kind of mom calls their daughter a cow?

She gave me eating issues.

And I'm 41 and skinny, so I should probably "thank" her, right?

I've never had real ice cream.

Is it good?

Jules Kiki Cobb...

What the hell are you doing?

I love you, Travis, but, Kylie, he's a cheat.

Don't end up like me.

Don't be a sucker.

I kissed Tina Spangler...

Yeah, and I kissed Joey Spangler after the H1 N1 assembly last week, so...

...we're kinda even.

So you're both sluts.

We're just both in high school.

We both find the Spangler family attractive.

Here, let's go.

Wow.

Wait. Why wouldn't you just tell Ellie that you went to the petting zoo with me?

Right, so she can picture us lying down with all the tiny, beautiful animals crawling all over our naked bodies.

That's gross in, like, a million different ways.

[Man] Hey!

It's goose guy! Huh!

Hey, hey! [chuckles]

[Honking]

OK, great. What's going on?

Our video is so popular.

Someone even sent it to me...

...from Korea!

Oh... This is not good.

Uh... Pass?

Oh, my God. What is this?

Plain vanilla ice cream.

Mm! Mm!

You know what sucks?

I can't ever be one of those people that says, you know, "If you betray me, we're through."

I always forgive, Grayson.

I'm too great a person.

[Chuckles]

No, I'm serious.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm always waiting around to get burnt again.

You'll be fine.

You just need to find the guy that can never bear the thought of hurting you like that.

[Beeping]

Hey, it's 8:00.

Didn't you wanna close up early?

Don't sweat it.

Frozen yogurt, you are ice cream's b*tch.

Tell her.

Tell me what?

All right, Laurie wanted me to come clean about something, and Bobby's here to protect me if things get violent.

And to make margaritas.

Who wants one?

Me!

Me.

[Laughing] Man, I love drinking.

I... was not at the petting zoo on my own.

I went with Laurie.

[Blender running]

[Loudly] I was just spinning, because our son has nothing in common with me, and please don't be mad...

[blender stops]

Please don't be mad with me.

Wow, he makes margaritas fast.

And now we will go upstairs while I change Stan.

Ta-da!

Whoa!

Hello!

What? It's just baby private parts.

That's more like grown man private parts on a baby.

How did you not know that?

Well, it's not like I see a lot of other naked babies.

So is he, like, big?

[Laughing]

That's like an elephant trunk.

[Giggling]

Smile, you have something in common with your son.

[Giggling]

[Up-tempo music plays]

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Jules was really down, and I...

Yeah, that must suck for her.

I just stayed to say that I'm gonna go...

Like, go go.

No, no, no.

I'll see you around, Grayson.

Wow. She drove off in a hurry.

Yeah. Yeah, she did.

I'm sorry.

[Ellie] Oh!

Does this mean I can be her friend now?

No! Ellie, go back inside!

Mean!

Are we playing emotional chicken?

Because you're too far away, and there's no music.

Good night, Jules.

Good night, Grayson.

OK, this is right before the goose att*cked Andy.

Who's that toothless carny creep that's holding Stan?

[man] Upsy-daisy!

[Stan crying]

He's a good guy.

You idiot.

Wait... Dad.

What are you doing?

[Goat bleating]

[Coughing]

Bobby, no.

Oh, Bobby, yeah.

Mmm!