01x12 - Scare Easy

[bunniefuu]

So, what are we doing tonight?

What are we doing?

We're drinking a bottle of wine.

Got another one waiting for us in the on-deck circle.

That's what we're doing.

The "stay at home and drink" date.

Dangerous.

Alcohol makes it hard to filter yourself.

You'd make a pretty girl.

And we're off.

Seriously, I have a skirt that's too big for me, and God knows you've got the legs.

All we gotta do is shave you down, and then tuck some stuff back up...

No tucking.

All right, fine.

Then we won't have fun.

Hmm... Can we at least have some serious share time?

I'll start with a classic.

How many people have you slept with?

Six. Oh, wait, are we counting people that we wish we hadn't?

Yeah.

All right, nine and a half.

What about you?

Eight...

Really?

...ty-three.

Eighty-three... 183.

[Scoffing]

Most of it happened while I was in college.

I was in a boy band called 'Da Booty Crew.

Don't hold that against me.

[Chuckling]

Not saying that to you.

That was our first single: Girl, Don't Hold That Against Me.

Why do I feel like there's a lot of lying going on during share time?

There is.

Let's go have naked share time.

OK. Don't hit my head on the railing again.

OK.

Evening, Jeff.

Hey, Travis.

Spin me around.

Hey, Travis. Jeff picked me up 'cause I saw a spider.

Thanks for still caring enough to lie.

All right.

Good night.

Good night. Onward.

[Jeff] * Girl, don't hold that against me Girl!

Anyway, since I had sex with Jeff last night even though I was tired, he was so grateful that he drove to that new bakery 40 minutes away and got me those homemade jelly donuts.

[Sighing]

That's weird, 'cause Ellie loves those very same donuts.

Yeah.

Did any of that really happen, or did Ellie make you say that?

All right, Ellie, I tried.

I don't know.

When we have sex I want those donuts!

No. Where's Jeff?

He'll back me up on this.

Jeff took Travis to Bobby's.

They're playing some sort of game.

I'm sorry, wait, what's happening?

Just go.

[Clinking]

Oh! It's good!

Boys, the penny-can game is the best thing I've ever created in my entire life.

And thank you, Dad.

Now, if the penny goes in the can, you get a point.

If it doesn't, you don't.

Very chess-like.

I wouldn't know. Warm-up's over.

[Car pulling up]

Me and Trav versus you.

The first team to 1000 points wins.

Are you guys playing penny-can?

Is it finally real?

It is, baby. All right, first round, rapid fire. Me...

[clink]

Ooh! Trav! Jeff! G-Man.

[Clinking]

[Yelling]

I feel a little weird.

Why? Because you spent the night on the second date?

Because you didn't try to have sex with me.

I guess it's nice to wake up with my panties on, I just don't know what to make of it.

Are you gay? It's OK if you are.

I've turned a lot of gay dudes straight.

But that could just be a line that guys use on me because they know I love a challenge.

We didn't have sex, but I feel like we did plenty of other things that sent a very clear heterosexual message out to the world.

And I say "the world" because the walls in this apartment complex are crazy thin, and you are somewhat vocal.

[Old lady's voice] It's OK, Smith.

Thanks, Mrs. Mendelson.

And nice to meet you, Laurie.

Aw, you too, Helen.

She's a cool old bird.

Laurie, I didn't try to sleep with you because I like you, OK?

But, we've only been on two dates and I'm going back to law school tomorrow.

If I had sex with you and then disappeared for three months, you'd never give me a chance when I got back.

And I want a chance, OK?

OK.

[Mrs. Mendelson] Aww!

OK. Should we sit boy-girl, boy-girl?

Stop pretending like you're not just going to talk to her the whole night.

Yeah, you're right.

OK. Would you order some wine?

And I'll have a steak and you want some pasta so I can have some.

See you in an hour.

Hour and a half.

Goodnight.

Have fun, ladies.

Um...

I miss penny-can.

Scott, if we're going to have this baby, some things have to change.

[Clinking]

Nice sh*t.

Nine-four, me.

All right. That guy's coffee cup.

OK, time for group talk.

Let's dive in.

So, are you two in love?

Dive in less.

Oh, that's why I married you.

He gets a couple of drinks in him and he starts dropping the question bombs.

How do you feel about having babies in your 40s?

[Mimics expl*si*n noise]

No, seriously, are you two exclusive or are you seeing other people?

[expl*si*n noise]

Please stop.

No, I'll take this one. Um...

Jules is incredible.

And I don't want to see other people.

But... that's just me.

You'll have to ask Jules what she thinks.

Ellie, b*mb noise.

[expl*si*n noise]

Thank you. I'm gonna go order us another bottle of wine, because I need to drink more, immediately. Excuse me.

Sweetie, we're going to get deep, so go take a restaurant walk.

Oh. I love a good restaurant walk.

So what do you think?

I don't know.

I really like Jeff, and I'm not dating anyone else.

Not that I would date two guys at the same time, because in school, this nun told me if I kiss two boys on the same day, their spit would mix in my mouth and would k*ll me.

Religion is fantastic.

But still, I mean, being exclusive, that's just so serious.

I don't think I'm ready for that yet, with anyone.

That boy is in demand.

Look at those women.

They're breaking out the classic flirt-moves.

Oh, my God, there's the accidental bump and smile...

And there's the old, "Oh, it's so hot in here I have to dab ice on my cleavage."

[Ellie] And then just a blatant, "You can smack my ass if you want to."

Who does that? Jules?

Thank you.

Let's be exclusive.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Atta girl.

* Girl, don't hold that against me Girl!

* Little pregnant girl

What? In my head, the song is about teenage pregnancy.

That's a bit of a leap.

I want to write music that matters.

You know why Brunch Saturday kicks ass?

It's got orange juice that can make me feel buzzy.

We don't have champagne.

It's beer and orange juice, baby.

It's gross.

Oh!

I need more ice in mine.

I'll make them.

I like that guy. Great vocals.

Yeah, and those shoulders.

He's definitely built a few sheds.

Right?

He'd look great in a skirt.

What?

What?

I'm glad you guys like him, because we actually are getting kind of serious.

So he's not just date-of-the-week guy?

He's for real?

Yeah. He is.

Great! That's so good for you.

Cool!

Where the hell are Andy and Ellie?

[Sighing] See? Now letting you climb all over me this morning was totally worth it.

I got two, in case tonight we want to...

That's not how that works.

Well, I'm leaving, so I guess this is goodbye.

No! No goodbyes.

Goodbyes put me in a very destructive place.

But my plane leaves in an hour. So...

Yes, I'm going to pretend that you're not going anywhere.

That way I don't have to get violent and spend the day kicking stuff.

Maybe I'll just kiss you and split.

That's a better idea.

Do you think that it's weird or sexy to kiss with your eyes open?

Well, it's so weird I may never want to kiss again.

Here, let me fix it.

That's better.

I've got to get going.

Me, too.

I'll catch you later.

Bobby, no, wait. Don't go!

Seriously, want him more.

I can't!

Why are those two so mopey?

You know that secret I've been keeping since Thanksgiving?

I'm sick of the heartburn and stress, so I'm just going to let it out, OK?

Bobby and Grayson are both kind of interested in Jules.

You mean to tell me that the overly-flirty neighbor and the ex-husband who's never not here both like Jules?

That is a revelation!

You done?

I can't believe it!

I'm a little dizzy. I'm flabbergasted!

What? I have to sit.

I knew Jules would eventually date someone she cared about.

I just didn't think it'd be so soon.

Feels weird for us to be talking about this.

Good weird?

That's not actually a phrase.

When's the last time you were in a real relationship?

With my wife.

Yeah, me, too.

Remember how great it is when it's first starting out?

You're like stupid kids, just laughing at everything.

You look adorable.

I feel pretty sexy.

Bye, Mom.

I...

He probably didn't...

[Travis] I noticed.

[Door closing]

[Sighing] Well, now that it's out, let's go shave you.

No. And stop asking.

[Bobby] And you just want to show that person off to everyone.

Barb! So, what do you think?

I've already done six things to it in my head.

May I touch it?

All right, show's over.

[Grunting]

Nice bar, don't kick.

Smith's such an ass.

I can't believe that he dumped me.

And I would've already started my healing ritual but I don't have any spray paint.

So I'm gonna have to jump ahead to sleeping with one of his friends.

Wow, solid plan, but there is one flaw.

You can get spray paint at the drug store.

Don't participate.

Smith didn't dump you.

He just went back to school.

He's gone, OK?

And I feel like crap.

I don't care if it's crazy.

If somebody hurts me, they have to pay.

OK.

Come here. If you're with a crazy girl, ring the bell.

[Dinging]

Look, you need to be distracted, right?

So, Bobby and I need to talk.

You're gonna bartend.

I don't know how to do that.

[Laughing] Come on, girl. Look...

It's just pouring liquid into cups.

You'll be fine.

Did he just steal that?

Yeah, that's sort of his thing.

Stealing... from me.

All right, well, I'll see you tonight.

OK, be here at eight.

[Kissing sounds]

What the hell was that noise?

It's like I'm calling a horse or something.

Calm down.

You calm down!

I'm acting way too overeager with this guy.

Say something right now that helps me stop spinning.

Those jeans really work.

They're new!

Nicely played.

OK, I'm cooking him dinner tonight.

What should I make?

Who cares?

The first meal you make someone makes a statement.

If you half-ass it, it's saying you don't care.

But if you make it too fancy then it's saying, "Stay with me.

I'll cook and clean, and service you when you snap your fingers."

Is that what you want?

For Jules to be some sort of sl*ve-whore?

No, that's not what I want for Jules.

[Kissing sounds]

Did you just do that again?

Yeah, I think I might like it.

It's not good.

Stop it.

Why are you leaving?

I'm bored of giving out free drinks.

You didn't charge people?

No! You get better tips that way.

Besides, that boy over there is a friend of Smith's.

His name is Doug.

Wave, Doug!

I like that he does what I say.

We're going to the Beach Club.

You don't want to do this.

Thanks for trying. But I do.

Doug! Come on.

What do I have to do?

Go to the Beach Club and stop Laurie from having revenge sex.

I don't really wanna do that.

C'mon, T-Bone. Take my ride.

You know, putting golf cart keys on a Ferrari key chain doesn't make it a Ferrari.

I was being ironic.

First time.

What in the hell is Laurie thinking?

Women can be nutty, but it's usually a guy that gets them there.

I mean, Jules has major league trust issues, but that probably falls on me.

[Sighing] I can't tell you how many times I left her sitting at home alone, waiting for me to show up... but I just didn't.

I hope that never happens to her again.

She doesn't deserve it.

Hey!

"Hey?"

That's the weak crap you're bringing in here? "Hey?"

Are you kidding me?

You know what I've learned from screwing up so much?

If your lady's mad, and you have no idea why, there's only one thing to say.

I'm so sorry.

What can I do to fix this?

Can you even tell me why you're apologizing?

You can't, can you?

Because you are selfish.

You're selfish! I have spent all day cooking this food for you.

I know you're going to say, "It hasn't been all day, because I was with you until four."

But don't say it.

No, don't you dare say it, because I will seriously smack you right there in the middle of your big, beautiful lips that you're so damn proud of.

You know what really bothers me about you being late?

You think that your time is more important than my time.

But guess what, buddy?

This is my time.

And it'll be a long time before you find me sitting around like some chump, waiting for a man to come in and grace me with his presence.

You told me to be here at eight.

It's 8:11.

Well, our clocks are a little different.

You're right.

Yours says 8:09.

Well, the food is not even hot anymore.

Yes, it is. Couldn't be hotter.

Whoo!

Here, put some ice on it.

Ah...

How is it that I'm already acting like a crazy person?

[Bobby] And bingo!

You've got a tiny leak in the dam, and you got to plug her up real quick or you'll be in a car with no brakes, driving down Trouble Highway.

What? Wait, is the highway flooded?

And where's this dam? You...

You're mixing metaphors like a crazy person.

[Chuckling] My mom says I'm colorful.

Still, I get what you're saying.

Relationships are so fragile.

When I was married to Vivian and a problem popped up, I would always tell myself, if we just ignored it, it would go away.

It never did.

Would it be OK if we didn't talk about this and you just took me upstairs and held me for a little?

Sure. You want your usual ride?

Oh, God!

Sorry.

Ow! Same spot every time.

[Indistinct chatter]

Yeah, I'm gonna need a few giant drinks before you start any gropey stuff.

And BTW, if I ever do see Smith again I'll be sure to tell him what an awesome friend you are. [scoffing]

[Brakes squeaking]

Laurie, get in the cart.

Yeah, OK.

Sorry, dude!

[Grunting] Hit it!

Were you really gonna hook up with that guy?

I don't know. Probably.

I'm just so angry.

I don't want to belittle your problem, but are there women out there who will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?

Oh, yeah. For sure.

This is very exciting news.

You know, there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier than they are.

[Scoffing] Just keeps getting better.

[Chuckling]

Hey.

Hmm?

Thank you for rescuing me.

Grayson told me to.

Really?

Yeah.

If there's a group of girls and one's got a great body but a lazy eye or something...

Oh, my gosh! Yes! Easy pickin's.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, wow!

I'm so sorry. I thought that would be a romantic way for you to wake up.

But instead, I've terrified you.

Well, that was a waste of 40 minutes.

What's happening?

Jeff, I've been obsessing all night about my freak-out.

Do you ever get the feeling like we've been together for five years, but not in a good way?

This is too much to process two seconds after regaining consciousness.

I'll be right back.

[Groaning]

Are you naked except for black socks?

My feet get cold.

This is what I'm talking about.

We're too comfortable.

I mean, that looks ridiculous.

Does this look ridiculous?

Huh?

[Chuckling]

Stop. I'm serious.

We should still be in that honeymoon phase, where you don't even glance at the TV when I'm talking to you and I still pretend that I never go to the bathroom except to pee.

Which is true, I only pee.

Maybe this is a good thing, right?

I mean... we're being real.

I don't know. Maybe.

Hey, you want to see how I made penny-can a little less frustrating?

Hit me.

Behold!

[Clinking]

It's good!

This morning I looked at old pictures from Vivian and me from back when we were happy.

That sounds healthy.

[Clinking]

Got it!

Sometimes I still try and figure out why it fell apart.

And I guess the simplest reason is that we just wanted different things.

I just don't think I'm ready for all this yet.

OK, I've only been divorced for eight months.

And I'm feeling vulnerable and trapped and...

Wow, I do not like the way I'm behaving.

[Chuckling]

We can fix this.

We just need to slow down and, and go back to being casual and having fun.

OK?

No.

I don't want that.

Well, then I take it all back.

Jules.

No.

I don't think that you understand where I'm at in my life right now.

I know exactly where you're at.

You're enjoying your independence, you're not looking for commitment.

Come on, I've been there for years myself.

I just don't want to be anymore.

Wow. That sucks.

Yeah, it does.

The end of a relationship is never like in the movies.

You know, where there's a big, dramatic goodbye speech and somebody's looking out the back window of a cab as the music swells.

At least that's not the way it was for me.

[Grayson] No, in real life, the very end is more like a fizzle.

So, uh... I guess I'm gonna take off.

I hope I see you around.

Me, too.

Bye, Jules.

Bye.

Hey.

I want to thank you for looking out for me yesterday.

I still feel crappy, but it's probably because...

I just spent the last 24 hours rehashing the dissolution of my marriage.

So, if it's OK...

I'm all out of relationship talk.

Of course, yeah.

No, I just wanted to say "thank you."

I didn't say "leave."

[Grunting] Can I get a beer?

Yes, you can.

For free? [laughing]

You know what I've never told anyone?

Stop! I don't want to know another secret ever again.

They give me agita so bad. So bad!

And then when I finally tell them, guess what? Nobody cares.

So, I am going to take Stan for a walk.

But it's midnight.

Agita, Jules! Agita!

It's like a volcano in my chest.

OK. Dummy's gone.

Go ahead, sweetie.

What if I'm someone who doesn't get to end up happy?

Wanna know what I think?

That I'm only gonna be happy if we m*rder Andy and you and I get married?

That would be amazing.

Right?

But no. I think if Jeff was the right guy, you would never let him leave.

But what if there is no right guy?

There is.

[Ellie] And you never know.

He could be right under your nose.

No. No, no, no...

Come on! [belching]

Oh...

What should we do today?

I don't know.

We could read magazines or look at shoes online. Or just gossip.

You know, we both only like sex during that small window between 3:00 and 3:45.

Should we do that?

Eh. Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.

God, I love being married to you.

I know.

I'm so glad we k*lled Andy and buried him in the backyard.

Oh, baby.

Oh...

[yelling]

[Screaming]

Did you really think you could get away with it?

Did ya?

[Screaming]

[Gasping]

Oh! You ruin everything!

[Sighing]