01x09 - Here Comes My Girl

[bunniefuu]

Okay, the sales at Thanksgiving is going to be insane!

We are talking about full-on shopping orgy.

We're gonna save so much money by spending money.

Yes, we are! Now the key to a successful Black Friday is the scouting trip, where we locate, justify and hide.

Okay? Locate -- this is a very cute t-shirt.

Justify --

I would wear this because...

You could wear it to buy other things.

It would be perfect for that.

Yeah, plus it's got that really cool g*n design.

That's Africa, Laurie.

So dumb.

And finally, we hide it so no one else buys it before the sale starts.

I'm on it.

Oh.

So who's coming to Thanksgiving this year?

Well, it's my first one post-divorce, So I kinda wanna keep it small --

Travis, you and Andy.

But I love big Thanksgivings.

You fill up your house with family members you don't like, pump them full of cheap wine, and you watch their lives fall apart.

Bobby and I decided to separate last Thanksgiving.

I remember.

Where did you hide it?

(lowers voice) In your car.

Laurie, shoplifting is not part of "locate, justify, hide."

(normal voice) You shop differently than I do.

Do you want me go get it?

(grunts)

I already mailed them a check which they will receive on Friday when this shirt is half-price, so this isn't stealing.

Whatever you need to tell yourself.

Jules, I can come to Thanksgiving.

Oh, joy.

Dale had invited me to his foster mom's apartment, but I'm not gonna go, mostly because her apartment is more like a rehab center.

Quick question --

Dale can't come.

Even just to --

Even just to poke his head in and say hi.

But he shaved his rattail.

Yeah, no.

But he bought real pants.

Still no.

So you're having the whole g*ng over for turkey day, huh?

Well...

I don't really have any plans, you know, seeing as my wife left, and all our friends were pretty much her friends.

Plus my parents are dead.

Did they die in the last six months?

No.

Then who cares?

Hand me my drink.

You don't have to fish for an invite. I'd love you to come.

I guess I could probably come.

Did you just slap me in the face with a "probably"?

Now if you wanna come, you're gonna have to beg for it.

Yeah, I'll never do that.

Yes, he will.

I know. I can't wait.

So...there was a huge line for the can.

I had to use the men's room and I met a guy.

Can he come to Thanksgiving?

She said no, Steve!

Could've been the one.

Hey, J-bird.

Now you think you can make real stuffing this year?

This instant stuff's bush league.

You can't just assume that you're invited.

What, you want me to eat all alone on my boat like a old Japanese man?

I'm just -- I wanted a small Thanksgiving this year.

No, you don't.

(bottles clink)

All right, fine. I was pretending to want a small one so that when I buckled and had a big one, I'd be known as the hero who saved Thanksgiving.

You think so much, your head must hurt.

It does. It really does.

Not me.

(door opens)

Always free and breezy up here, baby.

(door closes)

Hey, can Kylie come by tomorrow?

Her family doesn't really do Thanksgiving.

Aw, broken home?

(singsong voice) Filter, Mom.

Of course Kylie can come.

Not your call, Bobby.

Of course you can come, Kylie But just know you're gonna sit next to me.

I'm gonna break down your family a little bit.

Bring it, Mrs. Cobb.

I like this one.

Thanks again.

Very welcome, Kylie.

Again, not for you to say.

You know, those two are pretty tight.

You had the doink talk with Trav, right?

Honey, I got pregnant way too young.

I've been having the doink talk with Travis every 3 months since he was 9.

I used to teach him by using little stuffed animals.

I'd tape tiny private parts on 'em.

Man, that bit me on the ass that one show-and-tell day.

Yeah, Trav and I had the father/son talk when he was 16.

Oh, we actually didn't talk.

You know, but I showed him how to move his hips.

Normally, I'd be mad, but Travis really needs the help.

Have you ever seen him dance?

Mm-hmm.

It's like he is dodging b*ll*ts. Ooh! ooh!

(laughs)

Do you remember that great Thanksgiving blowup when your uncle Bud got drunk and told your cousin she was adopted?

She was 14 and Korean, Ellie.

On some level, she knew.

(door opens and closes)

Oh, hi, Grayson.

Do you wanna ask me something?

Yeah, you wanna ask her somethin'?

I can't do this.

Come on, g-string. Think of how much fun we're gonna have, drinking beer, drinking wine when all the beer runs out.

Come on, Grayson.

You must be great at saying things you don't mean to women, like "I'll call you" or "I've never done this before either."

Fine. (mumbles) May I come over for Thanksgiving?

You know, I'm gonna answer you like this.

Ohh! Ooh!

Uhh! God, it's like trying to break a horse!

She won't let go until you just relax into it, man.

(grunts)

(exhales deeply)

Okay, we're done.

(exhales deeply)

A-team, what's with the burger?

Turkey time's in, like, three hours.

Thanksgiving is a food marathon.

You have to warm up.

(bottle cap rattles)

This is like...stretching.

Want a bite?

No can do-sie.

Just got my cholesterol results and I'm rocking three bills.

Still cooking everything in that travel fryer?

G-A-C.

That's not healthy.

(birds cawing in distance)

Mmm.

All right, listen, don't tell Jules, alright?

She'll get all worried and caretake-y.

That info is locked up.

All right? Now hide that key where I'll never find it.

I don't have to.

I trust you that much.

Wow.

(door opens)

What you got in your hand there, champ?

(door closes)

It's just a...tiny pretend key?

Okay, ahem. Excuse me.

Quick announcement.

I'm about to bring Kylie in, so I need you all to act like normal human beings.

Boo!

I know. It's gonna be hard, but I can help.

Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn't have an eating disorder.

She runs cross-country.

Think of a new opening question.

Mr. Torres, I don't care how much you eat, let's keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers.

There. I said it.

You don't need to tell her.

Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar.

Let's keep that holstered.

Mom, you have multiple problem areas, so when in doubt, just say to yourself, "That's a bad idea."

And, Dad, I think we both know it's best you just don't say anything.

(clicks teeth)

That was a little snarky.

Yeah, he's just nervous.

It's the first time he's brought a girl to a family thing.

So I think we all know what we have to do.

...the whole, uh...

Hello?

Mom?

♪ Hi, Kylie ♪

(continues strumming guitar)

* Hi, Kylie *

(both, off-key) * Hi, Kylie *

Hi, Kylie.

Mom...

No, no. There's a big finish.

All right, come on.

All: * Hi, Kylie *

Bobby: Whoo!

Unbelievable.

Oh, cool it. She's still here, aren't you, Kylie?

Kylie, awesome job surviving the first wave of embarrassment.

I just gritted my teeth and went somewhere else.

Thattagirl.

I'll grab you a soda.

For you ladies, I assume two giant buckets of wine?

Red, please.

Half red, half white.

What? It's really good.

And that is a very cute top.

I mean, I clearly couldn't wear it because of these puppies, But...

Okay.

Leave her alone.

That's a nice necklace.

Are your parents rich?

Here you go.

Oh, thanks. Mmm.

Ahh. That first sip -- burns your throat just a little bit, but then when it hits your head, it's like, "Oh, yeah."

Jules Cobb on drinking.

So...Kylie seems sweet.

She's pretty great.

Yeah. Are you having sex?

Wow! Just diving right in.

Courage. Oh, come on.

We're not like other mother/son combos.

We're friends.

I know, but...are you sure you wanna go down that road?

I think it'll be fun.

All right, well...

Yeah, I think Kylie, uh, Kylie could be... the one.

Aw.

But I'm really nervous because I...

You know, it's my...

First time? Aw. Okay, um, do you mind if I put the friend thing on hold for a second and get on that mom train?

I'll allow it.

Look, I know you're 18 and you're gonna do what you wanna do, but, oh, please remember that talk we had about just being ready emotionally, and oh, my God, protection.

Do you want me to show you how to put a condom on again? 'Cause we can get the rolling pin.

I'm good.

Plus the rolling pin made me feel kinda bad about myself.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, of course it did.

Well, thanks for being so cool, Mom.

No problem. Hey, wait.

You just called me cool.

You mind if I tell everyone that?

Go nuts.

The guys are gone, though.

It's their annual "Let's pretend we're not old" basketball game against the neighbors.

[Kenny Loggins' "Playing with the Boys" playing]

(cheering in slow motion)

♪ Playing, playing with the boys ♪

(grunting in slow motion)

Yes!

* playing *

♪ Playing with the boys ♪
♪ ♪
♪ One of life's simple joys is playing with the boys ♪

(cheering)

Calm down.

We're still up by 3.

Shut up, Lisa!

Andy, come here.

Get over here.

All right, don't get sucked into her trash talk.

That's what she wants.

Now if we bear down, We can win this thing.

Yeah, hope so. My guy's shoes light up when he jumps.

All right.

Hands in. Let's leave it all out there.

I love you guys.

One, two, three, win!

Team!

Defense.

(clink)

Both: Yes!

And I'll say it.

I'm glad we won, but I'm even happier Lisa sprained her ankle.

Remember this day, Andy?

I'm gonna raise this summer sausage to you.

Nope. No more fatty foods for you.

You can't die yet.

Travis needs you, and I don't have a great black dress.

You told her?

Oh, calm down, gravy veins.

He told me. I told her.

Why?

Because I wanna get this par-tay started.

Come on. He betrayed you. Go.

Sorry, man. When I try to keep a secret from Ellie, I -- I get heartburn, and just, it hurts so bad.

Off the couch.

God bless us, everyone.

I do not know how Andy does it.

No offense, but I could not be with someone like you.

Everyone in the world like me thanks you.

I guess you'll have to stick with those... (door opens) middle-aged golf biddies who are willing to spring for tacos in exchange for human touch.

(door closes)

Hey, Ellie, Happy Thanksgiving.

And, you, enough with the 20-something bimbos.

It's pathetic.

What just happened?

Okay, this turkey should be done in about 17 more hours.

So...you and Kylie just chilling in the bedroom?

Okay, weird.

I'm not being weird.

You be weird.

It's not gonna be tonight.

I know, silly.

It's gonna be tomorrow, when her parents go away.

Oh.

Tomorrow. My son's gonna be making love tomorrow.

Congratulations?

I know when it's gonna be and where, and now that Bobby taught him this hip thing, I even know the basic rhythm.

One and two and one, two, three and one and two and pause.

Dale is just like, one, two, three, four, five, bam!

And then he farts.

Later. But you know what? Travis -- you've had a million talks with him, it's gonna be okay.

In one of our friend talks, he told me she's not even on the pill.

Condoms break all the time!

Especially if there's piercings involved.

Stop. I'm begging you.

I'm gonna be a grandmother at 41!

They're gonna put me on the news.

Keep it together, sweetie.

Not gonna happen.

(gasps)

What kind of mother lets her daughter wear a slutty cardigan like that without putting her on the pill?

(whispers) Whore!

I'm not proud that sometimes I hook up with women for food.

It's not my fault every 24-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name's exotic.

(chuckles) Still, we both know it's not forever.

Hell, no.

Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman -- someone who looks after me.

Yeah, and someone that helps get me out of my shell.

I don't wanna end up alone.

That would k*ll me.

Oh, whoa!

"Getting deep" alert.

(laughs)

Ugh!

(chuckles)

Permission to speak.

Proceed.

Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?

(male announcer speaking indistinctly on TV)

Definitely.

Yeah.

Oh, my chest.

Oh, good.

You're on the bed.

Do you know what this is?

Is it a water balloon?

Close. It's a condom filled with.

That is not good news.

I mean, people think that condoms are foolproof, but they're not.

These things can break.

(squeaking)

(water gurgling)

(clatter)

Okay. They may not break right away, but, you know, once you get started, this could happen.

Come on!

All right.

This isn't fair because this is a -- a balloon that I got at a toy store, 'cause I thought it would be weird to use a real condom.

You thought that would be weird?

Why won't you break?!

No one's gonna stomp on it, Mom.

Why is she doing this?

I'm sorry, Kylie. It's, um, I talked to Travis, and I -- I happen to know that tomorrow night's the big night.

(door opens and closes)

Travis?!

I was just rapping with my boy there, and, uh, tell her I'm cool.

I'm so cool.

I -- I think I should just go home.

Wow.

I trusted you.

(gasps)

Of course.

That was the worst sex talk ever. (sighs)

I'm a horrible mom.

Oh. Make me feel better, Grayson.

(strangled voice)

I'm gonna go check on Stan.

Can you think of anything more uncomfortable than what I just put Travis through?

Actually, can think of--

I can.

Let's go play some hoops.

You wanna go play some hoops?

Hoops? Man, that's my middle name, is hoops.

I love hoops.

I feel terrible.

I mean, Travis was never great with the ladies.

(door opens and closes)

When he was 12, he met this girl at camp, and he used to write her all these love letters.

But the address she gave him was to a dog toy factory in Wisconsin, so the letters kept getting returned.

I didn't want his heart to break, so I started to write him back.

I finally had to break up with him because he hit puberty and started mailing me pictures and asking me to do some weird stuff.

This is gonna blow over, and Travis just won't talk to you for a couple of days.

No! I'm the hero who saved Thanksgiving.

I have to fix this now.

I just gotta get Kylie not to leave.

This is her purse.

She's not gonna leave without her purse.

What are you doing?

Locate, justify, hide, Ellie.

Locate -- I got it.

Justify -- I gotta do it.

Hide -- I'm on it.

(squeals)

Why do we have to hide the bag outside?

Because Travis has found every present I ever hid from him except for the ones buried in this backyard.

Now we gotta grab a shovel and remember where we put it.

There's still a discman buried here somewhere. Here you go.

Are you really gonna bury my purse?

(loud clank)

Why are your boyfriends acting so weird?

First of all, only Bobby's my boyfriend, and they're not... acting weird.

(Kenny Loggins) * Playing *

♪ with the boys ♪
♪ Playing with the boys ♪

You know you're on the same team, right?

Shut up, Lisa!

Mind your own business, Lisa!

Foul!

You're hiding something.

Normally, I'd wait for that chest gas to push it on out of you.

But this seems too juicy.

You can't make me tell.

Do you remember when we used to have sex in inappropriate places?

Not in front of Stan.

Wake up!

Like baby Rick's 3rd birthday party...

(groans) when you took me against the bouncy house?

(moans)

Get a hold of these.

Ohh.

Mom?

How's that feel, Mr. Torres?

Do you like that?

I do like it. I do.

Yeah?

Oh.

But thanks for saving me.

You will tell me!

It's weird that you won't give me my purse back.

Well, if I do, are you gonna leave?

Yes.

But I just wanna talk to you for a second.

And I promise, I'm not gonna make you uncomfortable, because if I start to say anything crazy, Laurie is gonna stop me.

Oh, yes! I can just make a noise or something.

Fine.

Kylie, this is my fault.

I mean, Travis and I are so tight, that the line between friend and mother has always been a little blurry.

Up until a few years ago, He was taking naps in my bed.

Baah!

Thank you. Now the point is, is that Travis confided in me, and I took advantage of that.

I -- I just wish he hadn't told you everything.

It's just awkward for him.

You know, he's still a virgin.

He told me he wasn't.

Oh, God.

Why didn't you stop me?

(coughs) I really thought I had time to take a sip.

Clearly not. (coughs)

All right, Kylie, if you go, I understand.

But I hope you stay for Travis, 'cause he really cares about you.

Come on, sweetie.

Please don't t*rture him the way my mom tortures me.

I gotta say, I'm loving this Thanksgiving drama you two have going on.

Glad I could help.

Would you stop with this end of the world nonsense?

You and this girl are gonna bond over how horrible your mom is, and you'll get in her pants within a week.

You make it sound so beautiful.

Look, parenting doesn't come naturally to me.

Luckily, Andy's a great dad.

He would've been a great woman.

He would've loved breast-feeding.

I really would have.

I need you to cut your mom some slack.

I have a lot riding on this relationship you have with her.

I'm basing my whole parenting strategy around it.

Worst decision ever.

Please.

And you know as well as I do that in the end, your mom always comes through for you.

Hey, Trav, you wanna talk?

Sure.

(Noah and the whale) * Can get a little love of your own *

♪ Don't break his heart ♪

Got a little intense out there, huh?

At one point, I straight punched you in the face.

Don't get blood on my frozen corn.

If anybody's still here, we're eating in 20 minutes.

Man, this is dicey. Should we just try to hash it out?

Probably, but then again, you know, it feels like we'd be talking about something way in the future, you know, like years.

Yeah, who knows how we'll feel by then?

Hell, one of us may even be dead.

Yeah, and with your cholesterol...

Oh, yeah, it'll be me.

Look, I say we act like men and we bury it under a mountain of denial so deep that no one can make us believe that it ever actually happened.

Already done. Free and breezy.

Want a beer?

I'll have two.

Nice.

♪ ♪
♪ Well, if you are ♪
♪ what you love ♪
♪ And you do ♪
♪ what you've love ♪
♪ I will always be the sun and moon to you ♪
♪ And if you share ♪
♪ with your heart ♪
♪ Yeah, you give ♪
♪ with your heart ♪
♪ What you share with the world... ♪

Okay, quick disclaimer -- when we att*ck the food, let's chew carefully because I'm missing an earring.

Okay, grab a hand. God, this is my favorite part of Thanksgiving 'cause I get to say what I'm thankful for.

Do we have to hold hands the whole time?

Yes, you do.

Okay, for me, it's really all about family, and I'm not talking about just blood, because it's bigger than that.

Family is all about all the people that you choose to let into your life.

Family's about support and working through things, even though you can care so much, you can scream and fight just as easily as you can make love.

(imitates buzzer)

Yeah, good -- good call. Umm...

Anyway, I'm just really thankful that you're all a part of my life. I am.

I love you guys. Let's eat.

Yay!

Are you gonna tell me yet?

No, I can't.

It's fine, I can wait.

Oh, God. This releases pressure.

Is it about Grayson or Bobby?

[mutters in pain]

You'll break eventually.

Oh, let me die.

You are a cruel woman...

But I love you, dear.