01x12 - Undead Comic

[bunniefuu]

My name is Melinda Gordon. I just got married. Just moved to a small town. Just opened up an antique shop. I might be just like you. Except from the time that I was a little girl, I knew that I could talk to the dead. It's all right, honey. "Earthbound spirits" my grandmother call them. They stay here because they have unfinished business with the living, and they come to me for help. To tell you my story, I have to tell you theirs.

No. I can't. I can't do it.

[Laughing]

Yes, you can.

You're gonna be fine when you get out there.

I won't. I am a coward. I don't know how I missed that.

Will you stop it? You are the bravest woman I know.

Now, take a deep breath.

A better one.

Let's go out there.

Ok, ok. Can I have your attention, please?

Uh... ok, ok.

I need to get everybody's attention.

Uh, before we open the mic tonight, I have a little announcement to make.

After 28 long years, the club will be closing. Aw... aw... see, the truth is, I lost my lease.

They want us outta here. Boo.

Time to move on.

But before we do, we are gonna part-ay.

That's right.

Every night for the next 2 weeks, we are gonna celebrate the comedy cave... and some of the biggest comics in the business today.

Yep.

They will all be back to say good-bye... louie kleinman, the santander twins, and on the 15th and the 16th, sandra holloway.

But w let's get down to the business at hand.

It is cold. It's rainy outside.

Must be open mic night.

Yeah!

Here we go. First up... mr. Bryce avalon.

Greetings, everybody.

All right. Whoo!

Uh, the other day, I was in my basement, and I was eatin'
a can of spaghettl...

Francie... what's wrong with the mic?

Why the mic so hot?

You get the mic from hell?

Is there special electronics in hell or somethin'?

Don't try it tonight. It's not your night. What?

There's a really nasty ghost up there.

I'm next.

Just go to the restroom, ok? And... and fake stage fright or something. Trust me, you do not want to go up there.

Ok.

That's what y'all do now, francie?

That how it is?

What happened to a hook or a horn or... somethin'?

Hey, francie, I think I'm gonna really need some first aid up here.

Ok, just... keep drinking.

I'll... i'll figure it out.

How many people'll be willing to testify he set his own hand on fire?

Andrea?

I went out for a walk.

Oh! Melinda?

Is the coast clear?

Uh... no. uh... I'm gonna keep the best stuff.

Actually, uh, andy kaufman left a sleeping bag there.

Yeah. But i'm... but I'm sure some of this stuff is worth selling. L... I have bar glasses, I have cds, I have signed photos.

This stuff is great. I mean, we've never had anything like it.

But are you sure that you want to sell it?

There's so many memories here.

Well, memories are very romantic when you're young.

When you're my age, they're like needles that stick into your heart.

So i'd rather take the cash.

So whatever you get, i'll split it with you
50/50.

Wow. You have mentored so many people, francie.

Yeah.

Hmm. There's a lot of history in that little club of mine.

You know, melinda thinks the club is haunted.

I do not. A... haunted. [chuckles]

That's a very strong word.

Yes... it is... haunted.

Really.

That's what people say.

Monday nights, the club is closed.

And our cleaning guy swears that they come in, they rearrange the tables, and they do their own show.

But I'm not fooled.

Being haunted... very good for business.

All right, girls.

Let me know how you do with this stuff.

Thanks. I'll walk you out.

Boy, she's a character, isn't she?

Hey, have you seen my keys?

I swear I put them up here on the desk.

Coat pocket?

Hmm.

Behold... your keys.

Am I imagining it, or are they defying the laws of physics?

Andrea has nerves of steel. I mean, I can't imagine anything scarier than having to get up in front of a bunch of people and make 'em laugh. Could you do that?

Me? No. Heck, I was linus in our third grade production of you're a good man, charlie brown, and I almost threw up on snoopy.

That's not about our third grade play, now, is it?

We're turning a profit.

Th... the store is turning a profit. Really?

Congratulations. Yeah! [laughs]

It's right there in black and white.

We should celebrate. My treat.

Congratulations.
[Laughs]

Oh, I have to call andrea. She is going to freak.

All right.

So, you know, I mean, I was just thinkin'
ahead here, but, you know, maybe we should expand.

Oh, andrea, it's one month's profit.

We're not wal-mart yet.

That's it. We should franchise.

Ok. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that that was ghost-related.

That's not funny.

I wasn't joking.

Not you. Him. You are messing with the wrong person, pal.

[Sighs] can't we just ignore this guy and maybe he'll go away?

That's always my first plan.

Never works.

Well... where did he come from?

My guess is he's attached to one of these things of the comedy club.

He was in my house last night. Rearranged my furniture.

Really! How'd it look?

Not bad, except for the arm chair balancing on the coffee table.

So... how do we get rid of this joker?

I guess he'll eventually get bored and show himself.

Ok.

Melinda... i, uh, think you'd better... see this.

I hate this guy.

I think it's time to pay francie a visit Mondays.

...transplan when the transplant does not work out, right? His body has rejected...

Uh, we don't serve your kind here, honey.

What are you all doing here?

How come you can see us?

Just lucky, I guess.

Why haven't you all crossed over?

We like it in front of the light.

Who knows what's behind it?

Besides, they love us here, right?

Oh, bein' dead.

Is it just me, or do your clothes fit better?

Deb agrees with me.

When my wife asks me to take out the garbage, I finally have a good excuse.

Sorry, honey... rigor mortis.

Can we please stop? I'm looking for someone.

Uh, he's one of you... a comic, I guess.

Oh, that really narrows it down.
[Laughter]

H-he's 28. um... really into practical jokes. And tennis and long walks on the beach.

Shut up, bob. What does he look like?

I haven't really seen him. Just a... a flash. Dark hair.

Um, he haunts the club when it's open.

Um, marty.

Marty golden.

All right! I remember him.

Oh, yeah. Marty.

Yeah, very conceptual.

Always took things to the next level.

Yeah. Remember the night when he made the audience wear oxygen masks? Told 'em there was gonna be a big chemical attack? Right! Ha ha ha!

He was unique, that's for sure.

What happened to him?

The kid had problems.

He couldn't get arrested. And he was great.

He had a tremendous talent.

Very original, but that doesn't always mean you're gonna make it.

Anyway, to make a long story short... too late. Yes, dan.

Just 'cause we have all eternity doesn't mean we want to spend it listenin' to this story.

Yeah, well, go take a shower, and i'll finish.

[Laughter]
Ha ha ha.

Anyway, one night he walks out of the club.

He was really down, depressed, feelin'
sorry for himself.

And?

That's it. We never saw him again.

Yeah. He must've signed with my agent.

Oh.

Right.

Well, thank you... for your help. Remember, folks, be good to your... seriously.

Man: Every monday!

I love dead people.

I love you.

So she says to me, "marty, you've got to look at the big picture.

"In a hundred years, none of this will matter, and we'll all be dead."

All new people.

Isn't it beautiful?

So I fired her. What, are you kidding me?

I don't need to take that kind of crap from a therapist.

I mean, really. That's what we pay 'em for, right?

Subsidized denial.

But you know, she's right.

I mean, let's face it... we're all gonna die.

Oh, yeah. Sure, we are.

Yeah.

You're gonna die... and you're gonna die...
[echo] gonna die... and you're gonna die. You're not funny. Come on!

And you, sir, in the back, boo!

Stuffing your face with the cheeseburger, are going to die. Get off the stage.

Yeah, let's... let's just say it all together. Boo!

Ready? Ok. Boo! Boo!

I'm... gonna... die! die! Die!

Am I dead?

I asked you a question.

Am I dead?

Um... very.

Um... what's with all the water?

I mean, the... fish t*nk, the restroom?

My floor.

I don't know.

I can't figure it out.

One minute, I'm dying figuratively at the club, and the next... well, what's the last thing you remember?

It's hard to say.

I remember... feeling... hopeful.

But also something really bad.

Well, the thing is, usually... when I see spirits, they look normal.

So, what are you sayin'? I look as bad as I feel?

I'm telling you that when a spirit comes to me looking like you do, it usually means that they've had a sudden or very violent death.

Which is also why you don't remember.

So, what do I do?

Well, you're in the wrong place now.

You need to cross over.

Oh, yeah. My agent said the same thing, but... I never needed to appeal to everyone.

I meant cross over to the other side.

Look. This all feels like a really big mistake.

Ok? Now, I have to find out what happened to me.

Will you help me?

Ohh! Sorry.

Ohhh... uh, the door was open, so... no, it's all right. Come on in.

Um, I just wanted to talk to you about a cd that I listened to last night.

It really made me laugh.

Well, good. Who was it?

Marty golden.

Yeah.

He's kind of a sore subject around here.

How come?

[Sighs] well... well, marty, uh, marty was the real deal.

An original.

Very complicated guy.

You either loved him or you hated him.

And you?

Did you love him or hate him?

Yeah.

I guess it kinda depended on the day.

Couldn't do either one for too long.

He, uh... he came to the club one night... he left, and no one ever saw him again.

Just about destroyed anybody who ever cared about him.

And I'm not talking about mommy or daddy, because they'd written him off years ago.

I'm talkin' about his real family... here.

Especially sandra.

Poor kid.

Sandra?

I really, um... I can't talk about this right now.

I, um... I have this mountain of paperwork I have to get to my accountant, so... ok.

So, does marty know you've seen francie?

Marty hasn't really come around today, but francie said when he disappeared, his friend sandra took it the hardest.

Hmm.

Um... sandra holloway? Have you seen her?

Yeah. She was on letterman
a couple weeks ago.

She's fine.

She's performing at the comedy cave next weekend. You wanna go?

Yeah. And i'll spring for that one.

Oh, no need. We're practically rolling in it.

Look... how much money exactly are we talkin' about?

I'm thinkin' about havin' it framed.

Oh, yeah? Wow.

Check the comma... where the decimal point usually goes.

Here.

Wow.

I'm proud of you. I give it up.

Yeah, well... who's your mama now?

You. So, I'm walkin'
down the street the other day, and I see this guy, and he's wearing capri pants for men. The dude was a mansaster.

[Chuckles] manprise.

I'm trying to be original, thank you very much.

God, everybody's a critic.

Hey, so, was jim excited that we're finally makin' some money around here?

Yeah. He was happy.

A little weird.

Oh, you think it bothers him?

Jim? No way. He's too evolved for that.

Right. Most men are.

She's funny.

What?

She's good.

She could slow down a little.

Who's here?

Speaking of critics... huh. Is this our friend marty who thinks it's funny to break glasses?

One and the same.

Have fun.

You know... you look better.

Why, thank you. I've been dieting.
[Chuckles]

I feel better.

Well, it happens. Once you start to interact with this world, you start to look a little bit like your old self.

Do you remember sandra?

Sandra holloway?

Sandra.

Yeah, I do.

You loved her, didn't you?

[Sighs] let's just say we understood each other very well.

She's gonna be here tomorrow.

She's performing at the comedy cave.

What really happened?

I don't remember exactly, but it... feels like a lot of pain.

Do you want me to help you talk to her?

Talk to her?

You would do that?

Will that help you move on?

What if I did something bad to her?

If you really want to know what happened to you... will you... will you go see her first?

Are you sure this is where she'd be staying?

This is usually where comics crash when they come to town.

I don't know. Maybe this is a bad idea.

Well... you stay here, and i'll go up.

That's her.

I always... wanted to make her laugh.

It was the hardest damn thing to do.

W-where's she goin'?

Uh... let's find out.

What's she doing?

[Whispering]
Here's to you, baby.

What?

This is where it happened.

This is where I k*lled myself.

On this bridge.

This is where it happened.

This is where I k*lled myself.

I knew the minute I stepped off that... I made a mistake.

And in that moment, I... I felt so alive.

I felt everything.

I couldn't help but appreciate the irony, you know?

All this time and effort to try and feel nothing, to make myself numb, but... in those last seconds... I felt it all... realized... I loved it.

And then I couldn't believe I was about to... feel nothing ever again.

My heart broke into a hundred pieces before the water ever stopped it.

And a... 9.5, 9.6, and from the french judge, he gives old marty a 7.5.

Why?

Why did you do this to yourself?

I don't know.

You don't supposed I can undo it, do you?

I wish we all could, but we only get one shot.

You have to figure out why you did this to yourself.

You'll never have any peace if you don't.

So, I, um, I made a decision.

Please tell me that it's not to put your end down.

No. I'm gonna give open mic another shot.

I'm gonna go see francie tonight and see if she'll give me another chance.

Oh, that's a great idea. Hey, you know what?

When you see francie, can you get her to tell you more about marty and sandra?

'Cause I kinda hit a wall with her.

Yeah, i'll try. I'm actually really curious myself.

Oh.

Um... ask and you shall receive.

Melinda: Hi.

Hi.

I was told you're selling the comedy cave stuff... marty golden cds, posters... yeah. It's on display over there and some in the window. Oh, great.

I'll take it all.

All?

Yes. Please.

That should cover it, I think.

I think! Yeah. Yes.

Please box it up for me.

I'll have someone come by and pick it up.

Uh... sandra holloway bought it all?

Yeah.

She was really interested in the marty golden items.

Hmm. Here. Make yourself useful.

One on each table.

So, what ever happened with marty and sandra, anyway?

Well, she owes him a lot.

She knows it. First time sandra came in here, she was like a deer in the headlights.

Marty: So this cop pulls me over the other day.

Francie: Sandra always had great material.

But she never had the nerve to stand up there and go for it.

Her fear, her talent... I think he saw some of himself in her.

He wanted to help her the way he couldn't seem to help himself.

So, I'm drivin'
the other day, and... but after the first night he pulled her up there, it all changed.

The crowd loved her.

She really took off for real.

They fed off each other... in the best ways and in the worst ways.

They couldn't be without each other.

They were like vampires in love... live by night, sleep by day.

Then he disappeared.

No explanation at all? Just gone?

Nada. they didn't find a body or signs of anything.

[Sighs] she didn't leave her apartment for 2 months.

Wow. Do you think she's still... oh, enough. Let's not talk about it. How about you?

Ready to give it another shot?

Yes. L... I am gonna sign up for open mic next week.

Well, good!

Don't punk out on me this time.

I know.

Know what?

Europe. She left me to go to europe.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't get any traction.

I couldn't get out of that club.

Sandra started to get tv gigs.

And when I tried, they said I didn't test well.

They said my material was too cerebral for a young audience.

I was outraged. Even after I looked up the word "cerebral, "

I couldn't agree.

And that tour... it was gonna turn it all around for her.

She was gonna become a star.

We'll never make it.

You know, I thought you would kinda be happy for me.

We won't make it, sandy.

We'll never last that long apart.

You know what? If this were happening to you, I would be cheering for you. No.

No. You wouldn't. You would be afraid that I would never come back.

I have to do this. It's my shot, and I have to take it.

It sounds to me like you already made up your mind.

Well, m... yeah.

Look, I'm not leaving you.

I'm just going away.

Yeah. It's the same damn thing, right?

No. Ok.

Just... the thought of sandra gone so long and... knowing that she'd be over there with the best while I was stuck here? You know?

The guy who doesn't test well.

How come nobody knows what happened to you?

Now, that... is a fitting coda for my life.

Failed comedian makes dramatic exit, but nobody notices.

Everybody noticed, marty.

You broke their hearts.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

[Snickers]
I was stupid.

Cerebral, my ass.

You have to make it right for sandra.

I mean, think about all that she's been carrying around with her.

I'll help you.

[Sighs] I don't know that I can face her yet.

Ok.

Then let's start with francie.

He wants to say thank you... for letting him stay on your couch... for giving him a chance, for believing in him.

For never giving up on him.

I c... I can't believe this.

He k*lled himself?

He wants you to know that he's sorry.

He sees me?

Hears me?

How?

Everybody has a talent.

This is mine.

I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all her.

He wants you to know that he never meant to hurt anyone.

Is that right.

Then why the hell'd you do it?!

He wanted to hurt himself.

Bull, marty. You hurt yourself for 2 minutes.

You hurt the people who loved you for the rest of their lives. Is that what you wanted?

Are you happy now?!

[Sighs] look... I would take it back if I could.

Do you know how many people believed in you?

Do you know that l...
i loved you?

I loved you like my son.

Could you please just... you... ask her to stop?

I can't take it.

Is he still there?

Yes. And he knows that you're right.

And do you know what you did to sandra?

You shouldn't be here crying to me.

You need... you need to let her know that this was not her fault.

You need to set her free, pal.

She has lost a lot... that she will never, ever get back.

He will.

You tell him I'm just too angry to talk to him right now.

[Tearfully]
I miss him.

You tell him... I will never forget him.

You just told him.

Well... what is that i... I feel?

He's hugging you.

[Tearfully]
Oh... oh... marty... we were family.

You don't leave when you're family.

I thank you! Thank you!

Yes?

Sorry to bother you.

Uh, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your performance.

You're the girl from the store.

Right.

Melinda gordon.

Come on in.

Don't tell her I'm here yet. She'll never believe you.

You want something to drink?

No. Thanks.

Uh, I was also a... a fan of marty golden's, too.

L... I know that you two were close. [chuckles]

"Close."
Very interesting way of putting it.

I'm sorry. It's none of my business.

I'm glad somebody
remembers marty.

You wanna know a secret?

It should've been marty who made it.

He was the real deal.

Compared to him, I'm just a fraud.

If he were still here, if he were still alive, it'd be him out there... not me.

So you're sure he's dead. How?

Because I feel dead, too.

Have ever since that night.

Do you think marty k*lled himself because you left to go on tour?

How do you know he k*lled himself?

L... I just assumed.

Well, he didn't k*ll himself because I went on tour.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

I don't understand. I thought the tour was supposed to be your big break.

That's what everyone kept telling me.

Except the one guy I needed to hear it from most.

I started second-guessing myself.

Maybe marty was right. Maybe we couldn't survive the separation.

I didn't want to lose him.

Marty was struggling. Boo! Boo!

He needed me more than ever.

Boo! Boo!

And i'd have other chances, other breaks.

But would I ever have someone I love as much?

So I decided not to take the tour.

And when I told him... I thought that he'd be happy or at least relieved.

But instead, he just seemed... defeated, like he had taken something from me.

I'll never forget how tight he held me.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

Then he jumped off driscoll bridge.

How did you know that?

What was it about that bridge?

Ok, you're creeping me out now.

Are you, like, one of these obsessed conspiracy people?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Marty: I'm remembering everything now.

I have to talk to her.

Marty saw that you were gonna be a star.

And... and he felt like he was pulling you down, and then when you said that you weren't gonna do the tour, he thought he was ruining you.

Jumping off that bridge was marty's way of setting you free.

Ok, who the hell are you?

How do you know this?! How do you know marty?!

He's here with us right now. He can hear you.

Get out.

Get out!

So, are you nervous about tonight?

No! What?! No. Nervous? Why would I be nervous?

Ahem. You jumping like that... that was you... not nervous?

Why aren't you at the club?

Look, I just... I don't believe in any of this crap about ghosts.

I just don't.

You and a million others.

Andrea: Ok, i'm, uh... i'm, uh, I'm gonna go home and hyperventilate for a while, and i'll... i'll see you at the club.

But if I did... if I did believe that marty was here... I would tell him how stupid what he did was.

I've been living with this for 2 years, feeling responsible, like I took something from the world.

It is not your fault.

You think I don't know that?

But I feel it.

My heart is wrecked, marty!

I'm sorry.

He's sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

No. I'm sorrier.

Ok. Ask her how she knew I jumped off the bridge.

He wants to know how you knew about the bridge.

Now I know you're lying.

Marty would know the answer to that question.

What am I doing here?

There's a lot that marty doesn't remember.

[Shop door bell jingles, door slams]

He's just trying to put the pieces together.

Marty pulled me off that bridge a long time ago.

He saved me when I was at rock bottom.

After that, whenever either one of us did anything bad or needed to be forgiven, we would go to that bridge and wait for the other.

That's right.

I remember.

I thought that he would be waiting for me there that night.

But I was too late.

I found the bottle, and I knew that he had done something bad to himself and he did it off that bridge so that I would forgive him.
[Laughs]

He's sorry. He really is.

He just thought that you would be better off without him.

Oh, well, you were wrong, marty!

I loved you!

It wasn't exactly the healthiest love in the world, but... we could've made it work.

He knows that he made a mistake.

And he doesn't want you to suffer for it anymore.

Easier said than done. Suffering is my bread and butter.

Tell her... that it's the only way I can redeem myself for what I did... to go away knowing that... she's gonna be ok.

He wants to redeem himself.

He wants to know that you're gonna be ok.

Tell her that I love her.

I always did... always will.

He loves you.

[Tearfully]
Why did you do it, marty?

I love you, too, so much. Why did you leave me?

It's ok.

You're gonna be ok. I promise.

Ohhh... what if I get happy and I'm not funny anymore?

He doesn't think that that's gonna be an issue.

[Whispering]
I'll be watching you tonight, baby.

L... I live in grandview, which, as you guys know, is the dating capital of the northeast.

And, um... it's hard, you know?

'Cause I'm a single woman.

I'm 6 feet tall. I'm livin' alone in a small town. It's kinda scary, you know?

And I'm watchin' tv the other night and I'm home alone, and a... a guy escaped from a local jail.

And I'm there in the dark, and all I can think is
"oh, my god... I hope he's tall."

You guys have been awesome!

Thank you so much!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for... the incomparable, the peerless sandra holloway! Give it up!

Andrea: Give it up!

Sandra: So, I was up late last night, doing something that I don't normally do when I'm alone.

Ooh... ooh... whoo!

[Laughter]

I said something I don't normally do

[laughter]
When I'm alone.

I was talking to an old friend of mine from the past.

He's been dead for 2 years.

Keeps tryin' to get me to come visit. Some friend, right?

And I says to him, "hey... you're dead.

"So come on, tell me something

"really deep and profound.

Enlighten me."
Right?

"Give me something that will help me to better my life here on earth."

And he looks at me... takes a deep breath... and he says...

"honey... those jeans really do make you look fat."

Good night, grandview.

You've been a great audience!

Thank you!

So, can you tell me what it's like?

I don't know. I'm still alive.

Everybody's a comedian.

No, really. What do you hear?

I don't know. No one's ever come back to complain.

Let's... leave it at that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

For the laughs.

Hmm.

What?

Dying is easy.

It's the comedy that's hard.