07x10 - 'Twas the Heist Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here you go--
cheese and mushroom omelet.

ANTONIO:
Uh, I'm

going to be sick.

Okay, so it's
a little runny.

No, no, no, no.

Look, it's that creep

Lewis Blanchard.
(gasps)

Holiday greetings,
island people!

Well, it must be Christmas,
'cause I am looking at an angel.

I am married now, Lewis.

Back!

Ooh, that's some rock.

Oh, the glare.

Lewis. Lewis, what are you
doing here during the holidays?

Shouldn't you be
at your electronics store

tripling the price on the VCR?

Actually, I'm here to visit
my dear old Uncle Carlton.

Bring him
a little holiday cheer.

After all, I'm his only heir.

How is Carlton feeling
these days?

Well, not too good.

The doctor says
the slightest physical exertion

could do him in.

That's why I got him a very
special present this year.

Hey!

I ordered the big one!

Hey, honey.

Hey.

Guess what?

What?

Rick Harper went
skiing in Vermont.

Broke his leg.

Mmm...

broke it in three places.

Wow, it doesn't take much
to get you going.

The condo he rented
on the slopes is empty.

He offered it
to us for free.

Oh, baby, when can we leave?

Tonight, right after
my last flight.

Tonight? No, tonight's
the Christmas party.

Oh, come on, we don't want
to go to that thing.

And this is the perfect
excuse to get out of it.

Get out of it?
We're throwing it.

No, no, no, come on,
Helen, let's face it.

Christmases around here--
they're... they're....

they're... they're....
they're... they're freaky.

That's because
I've never been in charge.

This is going to be
an old-fashioned party,

just like the ones
my parents used to throw.

Don't you remember?
It was a Chappel tradition.

Everyone called us
the Christmas house,

and now that we're married

I want to be called
the Christmas house.

Yeah, but Helen, a
friend of ours had a
major skiing accident.

How could we not take
advantage of that?

Okay, let's compromise.

Okay, look, this is what we'll
do-- we'll have the party

but the minute it's over--
pff-- we head up to Vermont.

Okay, but promise me you'll help
me make this a special night.

Oh, Helen, of
course, I will.

It might be kind of fun
hanging out with our friends.

Hey, uh, listen, I can't make it

to your Christmas
party tonight.

All right. One down.

No, Roy, you have to come.

Ah, Fay's on a cruise,
and now you.

This is terrible.

Believe me, I
wish I could come,

but once again, I'm
going to be stuck

spending Christmas Eve
with Mom at the home

watching her
gum a turkey leg

and debating who's
got cuter buns--

Buddy Ebsen or
Art Linkletter.

Hey, Budd--

coming to my
Christmas party?

Oh...

you don't want me at your party.

Of course, I do.

No, no.
(clears throat)

You don't want me at your party.

I-I-I don't do well at parties.

I always say or do
the wrong thing.

Oh, you're coming to my party,

and I won't take no
for an answer.

Well, okay, if you insist.

Okay. Great.

Oh, uh, by the way,
is this a solo invite

or can I bring a pet?

Uh, actually,
it's just for humans, Budd.

Well, that sounds like a blast.

Hey, uh, Casey, can I
talk to you for a second?

Sure. What is it?

Um... well, I wanted
to tell you this. Uh...

I am going
to be bringing a date

to Joe and Helen's party.

That's it?

Well, yeah. I mean...

You know, considering whatever
it was that we had

I didn't want to make
you to feel awkward.

Oh, awkward. Please.

I mean, I'm bringing
a date myself.

Really?
Well, okay.

Well, I can't wait
to meet him.

Can't wait
to meet her.

(chuckling)
(chuckling)

Casey, you got a date
to the Christmas party?

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, whoever I can dig up
in the next eight hours.

Hi, Mom.

It's me.

Yeah, I'm just calling to say
I'll be there around 4:00.

What do you mean,
you and the girls

are going to a hockey game?

But it's Christmas Eve.

We always spend it toge...
(gasps)

But Mommy, what
am I supposed to do?

Cider is mulling.

Goose is cooking.

Yams are yamming...

and Joe is leaving.

Hey, where you going?

Nowhere. Just getting
our stuff ready

so we can sh**t right out
of here the minute this
party starts going south.

If this party goes south,
we ain't going north.

All right.
Okay.

Hey, what do you have
your jacket on for?

I can't see
your Christmas sweater.

There.

Helen? Helen, please,
don't make me wear this.

Come on, Joe.
My mother made it
especially for you.

My dad always wears
a Christmas sweater.

But Helen, I jingle.

Men shouldn't jingle.

My dad was in two wars,
and he jingles.

Yeah, but once you're
in a white belt
and white shoes

jingling is the least
of your problems.

Oh! Roy!

How long you been sitting there?

Oh, I don't know.

An hour, maybe two.

You know what Mommy and I'd
be doing right now?

"Mommy"?

We'd be watching The Andy
Williams Christmas Special

and I'd be yelling at her,
"It's television!

That's why
he's not answering you!"

That... that's
a wonderful memory.

I'm alone out here with Roy!

(doorbell chiming)

(jingling)

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Antonio.

7:30 on the dot--

that's the kind
of guest we like.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, snappy sweater, Joe.

(jingling)

You really don't want
to be doing that.

Well, uh, Joe, Helen, um...

this holiday season

instead of focusing
on what I don't have...
Oh!

...I'm focusing on
what I do have--

wonderful friends.

Hey, this is great.

Oh, Antonio, what
a beautiful music box.

Uh-huh.

Well, I had it
specially made in Sorrento.

When you open it, it plays

the first song
you danced to at your wedding.

("Isn't It Romantic?" plays)

Oh, Antonio, I feel bad.

I didn't get you anything.

Really?

Well, that's okay,

because that's not what
Christmas is about.

The best gift I could hope for
is... is your friendship.

Oh, hey, buddy,
thanks a lot.

That really means a lot
to us, and, uh, don't feel

that you have to hang
around all night.

You got someplace else
to go, you just take off.

Hey, Merry Christmas,
everyone.

HELEN:
Hey!

Ho-ho... ha!

What are you...?
What are you wearing?

It's Joe's
Christmas sweater.
Isn't it adorable?

Eh...

(jingling)

Hey!

Hey, Joey, you jingle.

You really don't want
to be doing that.

(doorbell chiming)

Hey, Erica! Hey!

Oh... Casey,
I'd like you
to meet Erica...

Aren't you gonna
introduce me to
your date...?

(laughing nervously)

Hello...
Hello... oh.

(laughing nervously)

Ah...

(clears throat)

(splutters)

(laughing nervously)

(doorbell chiming)

All right!
Another guest.

This party's taking off.

Merry X-mas,
island people!

Lewis...

who invited Lewis?

Oh, good...

my date is here.

Lewis Blanchard?
What were you thinking?

Look, I only had two
criteria for my date--

that he walk erect
and that he be male.

When I couldn't find
anyone like that,
I brought Lewis.

I know Brian has
a date out there,

but that's no reason
to sink this low.

Oh, I don't want to
show up without a date.
That would look pathetic.

Oh, as opposed to now

being the envy of
every girl at the party?

Oh, come on.
Lewis isn't that bad.

Have you got
a Water Pik?

'Cause I got a hunk of
something in my teeth

that floss won't budge.

So, there you go.

You having a nice time?

Oh, I'm having
a great time.

I am just so happy
to be here.

You know, um, all those
times that you pulled up

to my drive-in window
at the bank?

I was secretly hoping
that you would ask me out.

Hey!

Isn't that funny?

This is the first time
that we've actually
spoken to each other

without that thick piece
of glass between us.

Isn't it great

finally being
face-to-face?

(holding breath):
God, it's wonderful.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And now,
an update on that storm.

Storm? What storm?

If it continues across New
England at its current rate,

all area airports will
close within two hours.

(broadcast stops)

Damn.

Joe, what are you doing
with my goose?

Look, Helen, there is a big
storm heading into New England.

We got to
speed things up here.

All right, let me see...

"Fish, potatoes, popcorn."
Where's "goose"?

There is no "goose."
You don't nuke goose.

You have to cook it slowly.

Oh, come on, Helen.

Every good chef knows
you cook goose fast.

You seal in the juices,
people eat it and get
on with their lives.

Joe...

don't you do it.

Step away from the bird.

( window shatters )

I say we go with the ham.

Uh...
Merry Christmas, Roy.

I got you
a little something there.

Wow!

( gasps )

Genuine Cuban cigars!

Scarpacci,
how did you

get your hands
on these babies?

Ah, it was no big deal.

I just waited in a dinghy
in international waters.

And then about 3:00 a.m.,
I sent up a flare.

and an unmarked fishing boat
delivered them to me

in a bucket of squid.

Scarpacci, I... I...
I don't know what to say.

This is...
this is very generous.

Well...

I'm really sorry

I didn't get anything
for you, buddy.

Unbelievable.

But, uh, hey,
it's no problem.

Because that's not
what Christmas is about.

Christmas is about giving.

Apparently, I'm the only one
who got the memo.

(screaming)

What's going on?
CASEY:
Oh!

There's a big
scary-looking person

lurking in the bushes.

Mom?

Budd?

Budd, what are you doing
skulking around out there?

Uh, working up the nerve
to come in, sir.

Oh, don't be nervous.
Come on in.

You're amongst friends.

Just enjoy yourself.

Okay.

I will.

Hi.

I'm Budd Bronski.

Great party,
don't you think?

(yelling):
Hi!

Boy, I don't want
to be around when you blow.

(group singing nearby)

Oh, carolers, everybody!

Silent night

Holy night

Holy cow!

All is calm

All is bright

(singing faster):
Round yon virgin
mother and child

Holy infant
so tender and mild

Sleep in...

Merry Christmas.
Thank you very much.

Um, Joe, could I see you
in the kitchen, please?

Honey, you're
busting my bells.

Boy, you look like you could
use some cheering up.

I can't believe
my mom still hasn't called.

Maybe she's dead. Ha!

You know, red...

I'm starting to get
into the holiday spirit.

What do you say
we go upstairs

and introduce
Donner to Blitzen?

Look, let me put this in words
you can understand--

(makes retching sound)

Oh! Foreplay!

Oh, I love Christmas.

It's such a happy time.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Great party, huh?

It's wonderful.

Whoa! Man!

You could take
the paint off a barge

with that breath.

Whoo!

(sniffing)

Brian, did you hear
what he just said to me?

Well, aren't you going
to do anything?

Aren't you?
That's it!

I am leaving!

(exhaling loudly)

Erica, wait!

Okay, Lewis,
party's over.

You can go now.

Hey!

I'm not
a plaything!

I've got feelings!

Sleep with me.

I'm out of here!

Antonio, a camcorder
is a great gift,

but I didn't know we
were exchanging presents.

What the hell do you
think Christmas is about?

You give, you get.

I k*ll myself to find the
perfect gifts for all of you.

What do I get? Bupkes!
Give me something--

a keychain, a quarter...

Get out of here.
What are you doing?!

I'm getting out of here.
Where's my coat?

Wait, no, Antonio.

You can't go!

I'm getting out
of here, too.

No, Roy, we haven't
eaten yet. Please.

Look, I'm sorry.
Mom's probably
home by now.

This is the time she
usually gets thrown out for
tossing her teeth on the ice.

Lewis, get away from me!

Didn't you
get the hint?

No, really,
mace has no effect on me.

Where... where is
everybody going? Please!

I'm sorry, Helen, but--

Whoa!

God!

Joe, everybody's leaving.

Please, do something.

Okay, I'll go
load up the car.

Hold it!

Right there.

Back.

Back!

This is the Christmas house.

Nobody leaves
the Christmas house

until I say.

Okay.

There's fun to be had.

Come on, everybody.

Let's gather around the tree.

Now!

Joe, I want you
to read us all a story.

Look...
Read it!

"It was a cold night
in Bethlehem.

Having heard the tale,
of the blessed birth the
three wise men said..."

My wallet's missing!

What?

It was in my coat upstairs
in the bedroom.

Now it is gone.

Oh, mine's gone, too.

All my money is missing.

Ohh!

Well, don't look
at me, springtime.

I've been
ripped off, too.

Oh, my God, Helen,
somebody stole our
travelers' checks, too.

Well, we've all been
ripped off!

Who could have done it?

It's got to be
somebody here.

Look, it's not easy
for me to say this, but

I think you all
have the right to know.

He did it!

What the hell are
you talking about,

you little homunculus?

Ouch! That hurt worse
than a big-screen return.

But that
doesn't change

the fact that you've been in
a big hurry to leave all night.

And I saw you
go into the bedroom

and close the door.

Explain that.

Well, uh...

I... I did go into the bedroom,
but, um...

(high-pitched voice):
Hello, police?

Yes, uh, there is
a very loud party

going on at 627 Cherry Street.

Could you please get over there
right away and break it up?

I'm trying to sleep.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, uh...

are they requiring snow chains
on Route I-89?

You called the cops
on our Christmas party?

What a lowlife creep.

Have you ever thought
of going into sales?

All right, look,
I was in the bedroom

but I was not the only one
in there tonight... Roy?

All right, all right, I...

I went into the bedroom,
but I had a good reason.

Would you please page
Mrs. Eleanor Bluto Biggins?

I know there is
a hockey game going on.

Of course, it's an emergency!

But, but...

(sobbing): Just tell her
little boy needs her.

Oh, how horrible-- to be
away from your mother
on the holidays.

(gagging):
Ho-ho.

(coughing)

Whoa! That's powerful.

You know, come
to think of it

as I was leaving
that bedroom

somebody else walked in.

It's good that we're
seeing other people.

Yeah, and we can
still be friends

even though we're
no longer involved.

Yeah, this is stuck.

Rip it off!
Oh!

Erica, I'm really sorry.

How could you do this?

Okay. Now we're even.

Well, I think it's obvious
who the real thief is:

Lewis.

Okay, okay, I admit it,
I was in the bedroom,

but it was all
perfectly innocent.

Oh, it's good that we're
seeing other people.

Yeah, and we can
still be friends

even though we're
no longer involved.

Yeah, this is stuck.

Rip it off!
Oh!

Oh, I feel so dirty.

You feel dirty?

When was the last time you
people cleaned out your closet?

Wait a minute.

I know who did this.

I heard you
in that room.

What were you
doing in there?

You are a likeable guy.

You are a handsome man.

You are the life of the party.

(knock at door)

ROY:
Budd?

(yelling):
Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

All right, hold it.
This is crazy.

We can't just sit around
all night accusing our friends.

Antonio...

you're quiet.

Real quiet.

I've been sitting here mentally
composing my thank-you notes.

All right.

Okay, look, we all
know that you're angry

because you didn't get
any presents

and if you did this,
we'll all understand, won't we?

ROY:
Get him!

Come on, let's...

(clamoring)
HELEN:
No!

Stop it.

Are you guys
out of your minds?

(doorbell rings)

Goodness!

(gasping):
Merry Christmas, Officer.

Sorry to bother you,
ma'am, but, uh,

we've, uh, recently had a
string of burglaries in the area

and I was wondering if
any of these belong to you.

My money!

There it is.
It's my wallet!

You found our wallets!
Where were they?

Well, it was a scam.

Apparently, the criminals
dressed up as carolers.

And while they're singing

one of them shimmies
up the side of the house

and breaks into
the bedroom.

(murmuring)

By the way, I've also had
a complaint about the noise,

so, uh, please, let's
keep it down, huh?

Well, thank you, Officer.
We will.

Whoa!

Well...

I hope everybody's ashamed.

I mean, here it is, Christmas

and you're sitting around,
accusing each other of stealing.

That's not how
friends treat friends.

Helen's right.

Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.

Sorry.
That's better.

Let's start over.

Why don't y'all
sit down, relax

enjoy yourselves

and I'm going to make sure that
you get the Christmas dinner

that you deserve.

I'm going to go get the goose.