07x04 - The Person Formerly Known as Lowell

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Roy.

Hey, Mather.

How was your vacation?

Oh, it was great.

There's nothing
like seeing America.

It's no wonder it's
the greatest country

on the planet.

It's just a celebration
of the world's cultures,

mingling together in
a magnificent tapestry.

Whoa, where did you go?

Dollywood.

You spent two weeks
in Dollywood?

I spent a day in New York

and a day in
Washington, D.C.

Waste o'time.

I tell you, you haven't
lived until you've seen

the great Smoky Mountains.

So Dolly was there.

Listen, Roy, let me
tell you something.

Dolly Parton represents

what's best about
this country.

Dirt-poor kid
from Pigeon Forge

who goes on to
be a great star

that entertains
millions of people.

And all you
can talk about

are the size of her breasts?

Oh, shame on you, Roy.

All right, all right,
all right, I'm sorry.

That's more like it.

I brought you a
souvenir, though.

That's what America's
all about, man.

Good morning.

Say, uh, you notice
anything different

about me today?

No, you're late,
you didn't shave--

what else is new?

Well, that's funny

'cause actually,
I was going to shave

but someone stole
my razor and clogged it

with all his disgusting
little Joe hairs.

All right, first of all,

you know the code
I live by:

Never share toiletries.

And second of all, would
you get out of my face.

You're not the only one
who's having a bad morning.

Why, what's the matter?

Someone stole my tangelo.

Yeah, well,
don't look at me.

What the hell's a tangelo?

What's a tangelo?

A tangelo...

it's half tangerine
and half orange

so it peels
like a tangerine

but it's juicy
like an orange,

so you get the best
of both worlds.

You're a bizarre
little man.

Oh, Helen's not here yet?

I'm starving.

All we had in the fridge
was some kind of mutant orange.

That was my tangelo.

What did you do with it?

Well, it was ugly;
I threw it out.

Who gave you the right
to touch my tangelo?

Excuse me, I didn't
see a sign on it

that said "Joe's ugly fruit."

You watch it!
Hey, take it easy.

You're blowing this
way out of proportion.

There's not need to...
uh, uh...

You shaved this
morning, didn't you?

Are you nuts?

My brother
asked you a question.

Well, yeah, if
you must know

I shaved my legs
this morning.

With what?

With Helen's
razor.

Oh, that wasn't Helen's razor.

That was my razor.

How was I supposed
to know it was yours?

It looks like
a girlie razor.

It kind of does, Brian.

All right, who did it?

Did what?

Broke my
blow-dryer.

I found it in the garbage
can next to a razor

and that creepy
fruit Joe eats.

Oh, Casey...

your hair sure
looks silky smooth.

Oh, you like that?

I just woke up this
morning and there it was.

Oh...

really?

Well, then explain this.

What's that?

This is a bunch
of your hair

I found wrapped
around the motor

choking the life
out of it.

All right, all right,

I broke your blow-dryer.

What is the big deal?

I've had that blow-dryer
since high school.

It has two speeds.

I loved that blow-dryer.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Look, since we're all
living in my house,

I think it's obvious that we
need to make a few rules.

Oh, Brian, why are we living
in your house?

Yeah, Brian, why do we
no longer have a house?

What, that fire thing?

Move on; I have.

Ah, great.

Mather, hey, Mather.

Get out here.

Yeah, Roy.

I need you to get your
butt over to Logan.

One of my planes
is on a runway

with a busted fuel pump.

And would you take that
stupid Dollywood hat off?

You... you going to Boston?

I'll go with you.

We could make
a night of it.

You know, catch a
movie, have a dinner.

I know a place that makes
these incredible hot wings.

Sorry, Scarpacci, there's
no room on that flight.

No, no, no,
no, no, no...

You don't
understand, Roy.

See, I mean, you know,
my life right now

is not exactly a
Mardi Gras, you know?

And, uh...

I think I could really
use a nice hot wing.

What can I tell you?

The flight is booked.

Okay, here's how it is.

My-My life is a black
sinkhole of despair.

I... I don't want a hot
wing, I need a hot wing.

Because the only
thing stopping me

from taking the header off
of that control tower

is a lousy little
piece of chicken!

Sounds like the man
needs a wing.

Don't you have even an
ounce of compassion?

All right, all right.

I'll squeeze you in.
All right.

Bless you.

Compassion.

Nobody says that Roy Biggins
does not have compassion.

Sorry, lady,
that flight's booked.

One of them's going
to have to stay behind.

Hey, baby.

Your husband is a genius.

You know how
horrible it's been

living with Brian
and Casey?

Well, I have come up
with the perfect solution.

You rented that cute little
cottage down at the beach.

What, are you nuts?

That place costs a fortune.

No. No, no, no.

I got us a label maker.

I guess the honeymoon's
over right about now.

No, no, no, you
don't understand.

This baby right here is
a Brother P-touch.

Now, all that confusion
the other morning

with Brian and Casey
will never happen again

because we can put labels
on all our belongings.

See?-- "Joe's wife."

"Joe's wife."

"Joe's wi..."
That's not funny.

ROY:
Mather, where the
hell have you been?

You were supposed to be
back here yesterday.

You better have a good excuse
why you're this late

or you're fired.

I saw a man get m*rder*d

and spent the night
with the police.

Clean out your locker
and get the hell out of here.

What? You saw a m*rder?

JOE:
Are you all
right, Lowell?

What happened, Lowell?

Well, Antonio took me
to his hot wing place.

And he was right, they make
a mighty fine hot wing,

if you like a good hot wing,
and I do.

Lowell.

Anyhoo, about halfway
through our second bucket,

Antonio got up to go
to the bathroom.

Well, run was more like it.

See, they have three
types of sauce, you know.

They got hot,
extra hot and gangway.

So, Antonio's in the bathroom.

Well, this big galoot walks in,
goes up to the table next to me,

pulls out a g*n
and blows this guy nose-first

into his bucket of HWs.

I tell you,
it wasn't a pretty sight.

It was all I could do
to finish my rice pudding.

Wait, Antonio,
you didn't see any of this?

I was in the bathroom.

Trust me,
I had my own problems.

So, a few minutes later
the police showed up

and they took me down
to the station house.

While I got cuffed
and booked on suspicion.

Why did they
arrest you?

The cops said when
I came out of the bathroom,

I had a disoriented look
on my face.

Well, what
happened next?

Well, you know, based on
my description of the k*ller,

they put together a lineup
and I picked the guy right out.

Lowell, the important
thing is you're okay.

JOE:
Yeah, oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

"Gangland slaying in
South Boston restaurant.

Unnamed witness
fingers Mob boss."

HELEN:
Oh, Lowell.

I'm glad
I didn't witness that one.

That guy's screwed.

(plane flying overhead)

(hammering)

Mr. Mather?

Yeah.

My name is Michael Foster.

I'd like to talk to you
about what you saw yesterday.

Okay.

I'm an attorney.

I represent
Bobby Lasko.

Oh, you mean
the m*rder*r?

The alleged m*rder*r.

Yeah, you say potato...

Let me get to the point,
Mr. Mather.

Is it possible
that you didn't see

what you think
you saw yesterday?

You mean, the part
about your client

sh**ting that guy
at point-blank range?
Yeah.

No, I saw it.

May I suggest
that, uh, possibly

the lighting
wasn't very good?

No, oh, that place
was silly with fluorescents.

Or perhaps your
vision was blurry

with one too many beers?
Don't drink.

Or some smoke from your
cigarette clouded your view?

Don't smoke.

You were in the bathroom?

Nah, I've got a bladder
like a hippo.

Mr. Mather, how can
I put this to you?

My client would be
extremely appreciative

if your memory wasn't
quite so accurate.

Wait a minute,
are you asking me to lie?

I-I can't do that.

Well, then, that would
be unfortunate...

for everybody.

Wait a minute,
are you threatening me?

Listen, mister,

you don't come down
to my place of business

and thr*aten me.

Now, you just take
your fancy suit

and your
nice briefcase

and get the hell
out of here.

We'll be in touch,
Mr. Mather.

(snaps fingers)

You know, you don't scare me.

Joe, Brian, help!

Help, help...

I-I can't believe
he threatened you.

I can't believe it.

Don't worry, Lowell,
we're going to make sure

that nothing
happens to you.

Right, Joey?

(clicking)

Joe?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you playing with
your label maker, Joe?
No, I'm not.

Lowell's about to get whacked
and you're making labels?

Brian, I can't stop.
(knocking on door)

Lowell Mather?

Who wants to know?

I'm Special Agent Stark,

and this is
Special Agent Douglas.

Sorry we didn't
get here sooner.

Frankly, we didn't think
it was going to hit

the papers that fast.

But you have
our assurance

the FBI takes
this quite seriously.

Our only concern
is your safety,

and we'll do what...

Hey, is that a P-touch?

Yes, it is.

Is it as good as they say?

Oh, it'll change
your life.

Does it work
on bric-a-brac?

Bric-a-brac? I have got
a figurine at home...

LOWELL:
Excuse me.

Remember me?

"The dead guy."

Look, Mr. Mather, we know
you're a little nervous but...

I have absolutely nothing
to worry about, right?

We'll do everything in
our power to protect you.

But I think you should know
that thanks to your testimony,

a very dangerous man is
going to be behind bars.

Why should Lowell
risk his life

testifying
against that guy?

If he testifies
he's dead,

but if he doesn't,
they let him live, right?

I'm afraid that's right.

But he does have
another choice.

Okay. See,
there's another choice.

I was getting a little nervous.

So, what is it?

We can put you in
the witness protection program.

Or?

You got to be kidding.

You expect Lowell to just
pick up and leave his job,

his friends,
his whole life?

Lowell is certainly not
going to do that, are you?

Lowell?

It's going to be okay.

You've just got
to be strong.

ANTONIO:
No, no, it's not fair.

Why can't someone
offer me a new life?

You know...

a new house,
new job, a dental plan.

My gums are on fire.

Hey, Roy,
yeah, the altimeter's sh*t.

You have to order a new one.

Lowell, have you
made up your mind

about the witness
protection program?

No, not yet.

Well, what are
you waiting for?

While you are
mulling it over,

we are all
in danger here.

Oh, Roy,
stop exaggerating.

I am not exaggerating.

What if somebody's
lurking out there with a g*n?

They could aim at Mather
and hit me.

They could aim at
Europe and hit you.

(knocking)

Hey, Joe,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, Lowell.

So how's it
going, buddy?

Oh, man, this thing
is making me crazy.

What's worse, everybody's
trying to tell me what to do.

But I made a decision.

You have? What is it?

I'm going to let you
tell me what to do.

Come on, Lowell.

I wouldn't have the slightest
idea what to tell you.

Let me see if I
can help you out.

Now, let's say
that... that I'm you

and you're me

and you came to me
with this problem.

Oh, that is
a tough one.

I'd hate to be
in your shoes.

All right,
listen, Lowell.

Every problem has a solution.

So why don't we just
examine the situation here.

All right, let's say that, uh

you decide to testify
and enter the program.

Great. I'm going
to go start packing.

No, no. Whoa.

We got to look
at the other side.

Let's say that you don't testify

and you just stay right here
where you are.

Even better.
I hate packing.

I always pack too much,
never wear half of it.

Okay, okay, listen.

I'm not telling you
to do either of those things.

Well, aren't we
Mr. Wishy-Washy?

I don't...

I don't want you to go.

We've been friends...

forever, and, uh,
I just can't even imagine

what this place
would be like

without you around.

Yeah...

You know, you're my family.

You know, they told me
if I join the program

I can't even pick up
the phone and call you.

Well, maybe you should...
maybe you shouldn't go.

Yeah, but if I
don't testify,

that guy Lasko is
going to go free.

And I know
that's not right.

No, it's not.

Joe, I don't want
to leave the island.

My whole life is here.

I mean, I like
the name Lowell.

Who would I be--

Joel?

Noel?
All right...

I don't think
that your new name

has to rhyme
with your old one.

No? Eh...

That opens up a few
more possibilities.

You know, I...
I'm just so confused.

You know, how do you
make a decision

you know is going to
change your whole life?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I've never... never had to make
a decision like that.

Well, I guess the closest
I've ever come

is when Helen went down
to New York

to marry that guy, Lynch,
and, uh...

well, I remember
asking myself

if I let her go,

could I live with that
for the rest of my life?

I don't know, but...

maybe that's what
you have to ask yourself.

Whatever you decide,

can you live with it
for the rest of your life?

Yeah, I-I guess that's what
I really have to figure out.

I just want you to know
that whatever you decide...

I'm totally behind you.

Thanks, Joe.

That means
a lot to me.

Well...

I'm going to go someplace

and think about this.

I just need to be alone.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Anybody seen Lowell?

Not since he
left yesterday

to think
things over.

Maybe he's at home.

No, I tried calling him,
he wasn't there.

Maybe he decided to join
the program

and they whisked him away
in the middle of the night.

Oh, no. Lowell
would never leave

without saying good-bye.

Well, maybe he
had no choice.

The agent told me that
once the decision is made,

they take them away
immediately.

Wow. Mather's really gone.

I don't believe this.

We'll never
see him again.

Morning.

Lowell.
Lowell.

Hey.

Uh, listen, Roy, don't be mad.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm going to get right on
the pre-flight.

Mad?

Get over here.

Easy there, daddy.

Oh, good, Lowell,
you're staying.

Well, actually, I'm not.

I decided to join the
relocation program.

Oh...
What?
HELEN: No.

Yeah.

You know, if I...

if I ever picked
up a newspaper

and read that that guy Lasko
had k*lled someone else,

well, I just don't think

I could live with myself
for the rest of my life.

So...

you're really going?

Yeah.

But, you know, they told me

I don't have to leave
until 1300 hours.

The way I figure it, that's
damn near two months.

By that time,

you guys are going
to be sick of me.

BRIAN:
Lowell...

1300 hours
is m*llitary time.

It means 1:00.

Oh, that can't be right.

That'd mean I'd only have
three minutes to say good-bye.

Mr. Mather,
it's time.

The chopper's waiting.

Oh, no.

Lowell?

I'm never going
to see you again.

Good-bye, Helen.

Lowell, I don't know
what to say.

I'm going to
miss you, Fay.

Antonio.

This is not good-bye.

I'm not saying
good-bye to you.

Hello, Antonio.

(crying):
Hello, Lowell.

Um, Lowell, I know we don't
know each other very well,

but in the short time
I've been on the island...

Come here, dumpling.

Roy.

(crying):
Just go.

So long, brother.

Bye, Lowelly.

Joe.

Bye, Lowell.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Mr. Mather, we
really have to go.

I just need one more minute.

(pats plane)

You know...

no matter who else works on you,

I'll always be your first.

All right, I'm ready.

Joe.

I'll see you guys.

Where am I going?

(inaudible)

Maui?!

You almost ready?

Yeah, here you go.

How's that?

A little lower.
Huh?

Yeah, perfect.

(sighs)

(door opens, then closes)