09x09 - Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake
Posted: 09/24/22 06:35
Otsu: The broadcast law can go to hell
Otsu: There's no turning back now
Otsu: Go to hell!
Otsu: Everyone, thank you dingleberries!
Shin: Dingleberries!
Otsu: Let's keep this show going anurarihyon!
Gin: What's with Otsu-chan lately?
Shin: Nurarihyon!
Gin: Hasn't she lost some steam?
Shin: Not true!
Shin: As always, any CD she releases ranks high on the Edocon charts!
Gin: Sure, but up-and-coming idols are ranking even higher.
Gin: Like EDO and NippleClo Z.
Gin: Nowadays, group units are more popular than solo acts.
Gin: At this rate, Otsu-chan will lose popularity,
Gin: fight with her agency over money,
Gin: and as she fades from memory, re-debut under some label like ****** or ********.
Shin: Don't jinx her!
Shin: The public eye always tends to wander,
Shin: but only the real deal will remain in the end!
Shin: So Terakado Tsu will be the last woman standing after this Warring Idols Era!
Gin: Are you stupid? Idols are all just little brats decked out in dreams and fantasies.
Gin: There are no fakes or real deals among them.
Gin: Sure, Otsu-chan is cute and a good singer.
Gin: But if she stands alone on stage,
Gin: the audience only gets a vague idea of how good she is.
Gin: But if you put her in a group with five or six uggos,
Gin: even an idiot could clearly recognize how cute and how good she is.
Shin: I don't know if you really need the uggos...
Shin: But you're right. That's a group's biggest advantage.
Gin: Basically,
Gin: she needs uggos.
Shin: What kind of is that?!
Shin: Are they re-enacting the Chushingura?!
Gin: If that's not possible, she can just go for the -position bingo.
Shin: Why are we back to her making a Muteki debut?!
Shin: Anyway, a solo act may only go so far,
Shin: but with some other members who all make each other look good,
Shin: Otsu-chan might hit even bigger heights.
Shin: But where will she find idols who can compete with her potential?
Sayo: Otsu-chan really is cute.
Sayo: I wonder how you become an idol.
Sayo: I didn't really get it,
Sayo: but Gin-chan said anyone can get in by selling pillow talk.
Say: Really? They sell pillows?
Kag: Yup. Apparently, for most idols, that's their main job.
Say: They're selling pillows while singing? That must be hard.
P: You're wrong, miss.
P: An idol's real job isn't to sing or sell pillows.
P: It's to sell dreams.
P: If you don't mind, could you join us—no,
P: join Terakado Tsu and sell dreams together?
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Title: Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake
Shin: What?!
Shin: Kagura-chan, an idol?!
Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!
Shin: And you want to make her form a unit with Otsu-chan?!
Shin: Why are you resorting to such crazy schemes?!
Shin: And you call yourself the agency that's backed her all this time?!
OMom: It came as a surprise to me, too.
OMom: I couldn't believe the scout brought in
OMom: the girl from Odd Jobs, who'd helped us out in the past.
Otsu: But that's one of our scouts for you. He has a keen eye.
Otsu: I think Kagura-chan has all the makings of a fine idol.
Otsu: She's fair, has that foreign celeb thing going, and you could even call her pretty.
Otsu: And most of all, she looks at home doing anything.
Shin: Are there any idols who look at home picking their noses?
Otsu: Idols pick their noses, too. Even I—
Shin: No, you don't! Boogers don't exist for Otsu-chan!
Shin: Her nostrils are filled with pink, heart-shaped, sticky hopes and dreams!
Otsu: Uh, I'm pretty sure boogers would be better.
OMom: We're in the golden age of idol groups.
OMom: If Otsu doesn't do something now, she'll fall behind the times.
OMom: So we came up with this plan...
Would_you_like_t,Sign: Would you like to sing beside Terakado Tsu?
OMom: A plan to put her in a limited-time unit.
OMom: We call it the "Your Partner Is a ****er" Project.
Would_you_like_Copy: ,Your Partner Is a ****er
OMom: While pairing Otsu with a mysterious no-name to show a new, charming side of her,
OMom: we'll unearth a new diamond in the rough and market her in a package deal with Otsu.
Shin: Unearth? Dig this mine all you want, but all you'll find is boogers.
OMom: They may be boogers now,
OMom: but with polishing, they could become boogers harder than diamond.
Shin: But they'd still be boogers!
OMom: Anyway, Otsu needs an out-of-the-box partner.
OMom: Help us out.
Shin: Please calm down!
Shin: Do you want to waste all the hard work she's put in so far?
Shin: This girl isn't capable of being an idol and selling dreams!
Shin: If anything, she was created to crush the dreams of men!
Shin: A sad excuse for a Jump heroine!
OMom: Wow! What was that?
Kag: I let you talk, but you're just running your mouth now.
Kag: My boogers are already harder than diamonds.
Otsu: She could use that in a hidden talent contest for stars, Mom!
Otsu: Do it one more time!
Gin: Okay, that's enough.
Gin: Let's start talking business now.
Gin: She is our agency's main product.
Otsu: Huh?
Otsu: Agency? Product?
Gin: Yes. She's an idol that we developed.
Gin: For more than a decade since the anime began,
Gin: she has held firm as the center heroine and Gintama's idol.
Gin: If we're talking potential, we believe she far exceeds your Otsu-chan.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, President, we move forward on this as a co-production?
OMom: Yes, that's fine, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Him, a producer? He's just a leech.
OMom: It seems you weren't lying.
OMom: Her rhythm and sharp movements...
OMom: In terms of physical ability, she far exceeds Otsu.
Gin: Yeah.
Gin: No idol in the entire universe is a match for her on that front.
Gin: Right, Trainer Shimura?
Shin: Wait, I'm a trainer?
OMom: Good looks and great performing ability...
OMom: This may be the birth of a super idol.
OMom: Right, Manager Shimura?
Shin: Wait, am I a trainer or a manager? Pick one.
Gin: The real question is how we market them.
OMom: I'll let you handle that as the producer.
OMom: If we're trying to give Otsu a new kind of appeal,
OMom: then we should change how we produce her, too.
OMom: You can handle it, right?
Gin: No need to worry. We have an expert in idol studies on our side.
Gin: Right, Idol Nerd King?
Shin: Sorry. Could you give me a stable role already?
OMom: Show me what you've got, Sakata P and Shimura *****.
Shin: In the end, I'm just a perv?!
Shin: Hey, Gin-san!
Shin: Can you really produce idols?
Gin: As long as Otsu-chan is involved,
Gin: this will make shitloads of money, no matter what.
Gin: We should make them feel as indebted as possible and fleece them.
Shin: But Otsu-chan now has that massive booger stuck to her.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: What'd I tell you? a diamond shines extra bright with boogers all around it.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, yeah, you'll be working as Booger Diamonds from today on.
Otsu: Booger? Wait, that's our unit name, Producer?
Otsu: I don't know about having "booger" in the name.
Kag: She's right.
Kag: As the diamond, I don't mind, but put yourself in the booger's shoes.
Shin: Uh, you're the booger here.
Gin: It may sound Japanese, but "booger" means "limitless possibilities" in Spanish.
Shin: That's some impressive BS.
Gin: It also means "children of B'z and WANDS."
Shin: Why are you talking about B'z and WANDS like they're husband and wife?
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Gin: I wanna market you like the kid brother in the Yokohama Ginbae. Like Shima Daisuke.
A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: That's so old hat.
Gin: Right now, we should use the agency's pull to ride on all the coattails.
Gin: We'll handle the approvals later.
Shin: But this is going too far. They're idols, you know?
Otsu: I see.
Otsu: But we should at least make it a ladies' g*ng, Producer.
Shin: That's not the issue here, Otsu-chan.
Kag: Yeah, Sugimoto Tetta is cooler than Daisuke, Producer!
Shin: What do you think idols are?
Shin: The Daisuke part was all you picked up on!
Gin: How about this, then?
Gin: A long time ago, in a galaxy far away,
Gin: the great artists B'z and WANDS gave birth to children.
Shin: Talk about grandiose!
Gin: The children scattered across the universe.
Gin: Among them, the twins that were number —the last of the children—
Gin: descended on a planet called Earth...
Shin: Ah, like how Yukorin said she was from Planet Korin?
Gin: ...and made waves across the world.
Shin: Nothing's changed!
Shin: They just became Daisukerin in the end!
Gin: Daisukerin was supposed to make waves worldwide, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...always supported him.
Shin: Enough about Daisuke!
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: You two are the ones who need support!
Otsu: But suit-wearing idols might be a fresh concept.
Otsu: Wearing pants will limit the fanservice, but if we wear skirts instead
Otsu: and have a chic backing band, it could make for a cool and cute idol aesthetic.
Otsu: Here we go with "A Woman's Badge of Honor"!
Sign: A Woman's Badge of Honor
Shin: Uh, the costumes are nice, but what about the song?
Shin: It's still stuck to the Daisuke thing.
Kag: How about this, then?
Kag: Here we go with "The Mark of a Woman," 'kay?
Sign: The Mark of a Woman
Shin: Uh, that sounds like something else entirely.
Gin: This should do it, then.
Sign: That Day of the Month
Shin: What're you trying to make idols sing?!
Shin: That's what "A Woman's Badge of Honor" was about?
Shin: That's what "The Mark of a Woman" meant?!
Gin: Hey, don't jump to conclusions.
Gin: By "that day of the month," we mean...
That Day of the Month
Gin: ...that day when there's a lot of Daisuke in the backing band.
Shin: What kinda day is that?!
Shin: You again? You came home with your tail between your legs again?!
Shin: What happened to going into politics?!
Gin: Daisukerin made a comeback to showbiz, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...still supports him!
Shin: Forget about Daisuke already!
Shin: Anyway, why don't we look at the big picture?
Shin: What kind of personalities will they be playing?
Gin: They're B'z and WANDS's children, right?
Gin: They can just end every sentence with "zu."
Tamo: Here are our guests for today.
Bo: Hello. We are Booger Diamondzu zu.
Shin: They sound like hicks. Sounds like they're speaking a dialect.
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Then instead of "zu," let's go with "z."
Zu,Sign: Zu
Tamo: Cut your hair?
Kag: I did, yezzz...
Shin: She fell asleep!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Forget "z," then. Let's go with "s."
Kag: Lost your hair?
Shin: She just became a sadist!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Let's do this, then.
Kag: It's time for a short break, I'll never hurt you in all my love and selfishness.
Otsu: Don't change the channel, let's rend this moment with b*ll*ts from a rusty g*n!
Shin: Those verbal tics are too long!
Shin: Why song titles as a verbal tic? That's too much love and selfishness!
Shin: Tamo-san will rust away before they finish talking!
Gin: Quit complaining when you don't have any ideas.
Gin: I can't work with you, let's break up and I'll vanish from before you.
Shin: Why's the producer using Ohguro Maki song titles, too?
Gin: This is a pain.
Gin: Why don't we just have B'z and WANDS be the backing bands?
Shin: That'd just be a B'z and WANDS concert!
Shin: They'd eat us alive!
Tae: Shin-chan's right.
Tae: You're on the right track with B'z and WANDS,
Tae: but you're overlooking something important, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Sis?
Tae: Sorry for barging in.
Tae: I heard Kagura-chan was going to debut, so I wanted to cheer her on.
Tae: Here, I brought refreshments.
Kag: Boss lady!
Tae: I was just going to give you this and leave,
Tae: but I couldn't let it slide.
Otsu: Wow! What is this?
Tae: Producer Sakata.
Tae: You don't understand a thing.
Tae: All you're thinking about is how to market, how to make the audience happy.
Tae: It's all about the audience.
Tae: But the enemy isn't only in front of you.
Tae: The real enemy lurks behind the girls.
Tae: The backing band and backup dancers.
Tae: Don't you know how many idols they've gobbled up?
Shin: What're you talking about?!
Tae: Think back to Asa**** **** and Ham*** ******
Tae: and how backup whatevers are always taking idols from the back.
Shin: Yes, it happens a lot, but so what?!
Tae: They pretend to be on the idols' side,
Tae: but they always target them from the defenseless back,
Tae: sharpening their nails to strike.
Tae: And the moment the idol gives them an opening...
BD: Gotcha!
Shin: That backup dancer is way too scary!
Tae: In showbiz, the talent are products.
Tae: Those in the business should never ignore the fans and defile that product.
Shin: Otsu-chan!
Shin: Uh, an idol is about to die thanks to your refreshments!
Tae: And you men should be aware how idols are expected to stay pure.
Tae: Not putting careful thought into choosing the backing band is simply preposterous.
Tae: You must reconsider at once.
Gin: Like you'd know anything, outsider.
Gin: Who would you place at the back, then?
Kyu: On guitar, Kyubei!
Tsu: On b-bass, Tsukuyo!
Sac: On drums, Sacchan!
Tae: On castanets, Otae!
Tae: Together, the four of us...
All: ...are Diamond Vacuum!
Shin: You totally wanna eat Otsu-chan alive, too!
Shin: Where'd you come from, you brain-dead backing band?!
Sac: What're you saying?
Sac: We, Diamond Vacuum, had promised to make our music debut long before you guys.
Kyu: Our chance has finally arrived, Otae-chan.
Shin: No chance in hell! Get outta here!
Tae: We get it.
Tae: We're okay with being the backing band.
Tae: But please don't forget what I said about an idol's enemies lurking behind her.
Gin: What are you plotting?!
Gin: And what do you mean, "on castanets"? You're useless!
Tsu: Hey, what's "bass"?
Tsu: What, do I have to hit a ball with this thing and run to base?
Gin: Who brought this bum here?!
Shin: Get out! All of you get out!
OMom: Producer Sakata is good.
OMom: He's even got a backing band full of beauties.
OMom: This is sure to spur Otsu on.
OMom: Otsu, if you slack off, you really will be eaten alive.
OMom: Do your best.
Otsu: Who am I?
OMom: Otsu!
Debut Single An Idol's Badge of Honor
S: Looks like Terakado Tsu's making her move.
S: Booger Diamonds , huh?
S: I don't know where she found this partner, but she's pretty cute.
S: She truly looks boorish and uncultured,
S: like the poster girl of a diner out in the sticks.
S: The perfect partner for her.
S: She should've quietly faded away as a solo act.
S: Does she really think she can b*at us with this partner?
S: Terakado Tsu and Booger Diamonds .
S: I can't wait to see what a top idol on Earth is like.
G: Wh-What the hell is this?
G: Otsu-chan is making a unit debut?
Taka: This ain't funny! Who the hell is this booger girl?
G: We've always worshiped Otsu-chan as the one true goddess!
G: How dare they defile her with this package deal?!
G: As her fanclub, we will never accept this unit!
G: Yeah, yeah!
G: This is bad.
G: Let Captain Shimura know at once!
Kag: Manager Shimura!
Otsu: What're you doing over there?
Kag: Idols are busy people! Get me my sukonbu already, you rotten manager!
G: Manager Shimura?
G: Captain!
G: And Otsu-chan, too!
G: What's the meaning of this, Captain?!
G: Surely you didn't make her do this...
Shin: No, that's not it!
Shin: Hey, wait up!
Shin: Don't leave me behind!
Studio_Edo,Sign: Studio Edo
Otsu: La la la, idol
Kag: Accel, consul, it's dreams that we sell, 'kay?
Gin: Wait, time out.
Gin: Quit mixing in the 'kays, Kagura. You're ruining the lyrics.
Gin: Just forget about your character and lay yourself bare.
Gin: Try being plain old Kugimiya-san.
Shin: Aw, the one place where I could shine...
Shin: Producer Sakata, did you see how the fans reacted?
Shin: What now? Nobody wants this unit.
Gin: Don't worry.
Gin: I've got a huge event lined up for the CD's release.
Gin: The backing band's making adjustments for it, too.
Tsu: Why do I have to do this?
Gin: As long as we create enough hype by then, it won't be a problem.
Gin: You fell in love with Otsu-chan when you watched her street concerts, right?
Gin: Real popularity is always built up slowly and steadily like that.
Gin: People who become fans overnight also leave overnight.
Gin: There are no shortcuts in showbiz, Manager Shimura.
Shin: That's true.
Gin: I feel bad for Otsu-chan, but she'll have to forget she's a top idol
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
SignL: As long as you giveus money, we'll sell you dreams, pillows, or whatever.
Gin: and start over from sales.
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
Shin: What's slow and steady about this?!
Shin: What do you mean, pillow talk meet?
Shin: What're you trying to make idols do?!
Gin: It's basically a meet-and-greet.
Gin: You know how "idols you can meet" are all the rage?
Gin: We'll go with "idols you can pillow talk."
Shin: You can't call those idols!
Gin: Relax. I know it says pillow talk,
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Gin: but this is just a meet-and-greet where we sell expensive autographed pillows.
Shin: That's basically a scam!
Sign: Kagura
G: Pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
Shin: A whole horde of men showed up with the wrong idea!
Gin: Looks like it worked.
Shin: Like hell! This is too risky!
Gin: Meet-and-greets are always full of risks.
Gin: All idol nerds touch their d*cks before going to those.
Gin: The idols and fans both get covered in d*ck.
Gin: In the end, it just becomes d*cks shaking hands with d*cks.
Shin: What kind of risk are you even talking about?!
Kag: Ugh, are you serious? That's horrible.
Kag: Make them disinfect before shaking hands.
Shin: An idol with her hand covered in boogers shouldn't talk!
Otsu: It's okay. If this made me lose heart, I'd never make it as an idol.
Gin: That's a pro for you.
Gin: Don't worry. We'll protect you if anything happens.
Kag: Promise?
Kag: Come save us at once if anyone dangerous shows up.
Shin: The idol's more dangerous!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Wait, wait, wait!
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Forget meet-and-greet! This has become Hanayama Kaoru's Vice Grip Meet!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Huh? I'm not supposed to send them to the pillows?
Shin: This isn't what pillow business means!
Shin: They're all dying off before they can reach Otsu-chan, their goal!
G: Screw you! I came here 'cause I heard I could pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
G: We can't even shake her hand like this!
G: Gimme back my money!
Shin: This is bad, Producer Sakata!
Shin: We won't get popular like this! We'll get sued!
Gin: Rest assured. All of this was just a sideshow.
Gin: The main event starts now.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get a Booger Diamonds lap pillow coupon!
Shin: What do you think you're saying, Gin-san?
Gin: What's wrong with lap pillows? It's not like they lose anything.
Kag: Yeah, sounds good.
Kag: Take this.
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: There's nothing good about this!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: Who asked you to use that random martial art?!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: What the hell is a Lap Pillow Punch? It's just a knee strike!
Kag: I sleep better with a hard pillow.
Shin: Nobody cares about your pillow preferences!
Shin: I know you sleep like a log, but that doesn't matter!
C: Knock it off! We're not here to visit some S&M club!
C: You really call yourself idols?!
Shin: Sakata P!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get to sleep for a tiny bit with Booger Diamonds on that very pillow!
Kag: Zzz...
Kag: No, that's my Happy Turn!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too!
Gin: If you buy right here and now,
Gin: you get a special price of , yen and bonus pillow storage boxes!
Shin: Now you're just Suckerta on the TV Shopping Network!
G: What the hell is wrong with these guys?
G: Screw this! Let's bounce!
Shin: Hey, wait!
S: Aw, the poor things. How could you be so mean to your fans?
S: To idols, the fans are gods.
S: We would never let you look so sad when you leave.
G: That's...
S: Why? Because...
S: Tubular!
S: We provide dreams to all of space
S: as the special unit of galactic idols.
S: That is why.
Shin: Galaxy Kingdom b*tches ?!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Preview,Sign: Preview
Kag: What's with these girls?
Kag: I can't believe they can say "tubular" when sober.
Kag: We'll see if you can maintain that attitude after you watch our meet-and-greet.
Title: Diamonds are Unscratchable
Kag: Next time: "Diamonds are Unscratchable."
Preview: ,Preview
S: They might not let us, even if this is a late-night slot.
TextR: We've already pulled all kindsof crap over the years.
Side Bar Bottom Black,TextL: What can they possibly be planning to pull now?
TextR: When GKB challenge them,
TextL: how will BDZ respond?!
Otsu: There's no turning back now
Otsu: Go to hell!
Otsu: Everyone, thank you dingleberries!
Shin: Dingleberries!
Otsu: Let's keep this show going anurarihyon!
Gin: What's with Otsu-chan lately?
Shin: Nurarihyon!
Gin: Hasn't she lost some steam?
Shin: Not true!
Shin: As always, any CD she releases ranks high on the Edocon charts!
Gin: Sure, but up-and-coming idols are ranking even higher.
Gin: Like EDO and NippleClo Z.
Gin: Nowadays, group units are more popular than solo acts.
Gin: At this rate, Otsu-chan will lose popularity,
Gin: fight with her agency over money,
Gin: and as she fades from memory, re-debut under some label like ****** or ********.
Shin: Don't jinx her!
Shin: The public eye always tends to wander,
Shin: but only the real deal will remain in the end!
Shin: So Terakado Tsu will be the last woman standing after this Warring Idols Era!
Gin: Are you stupid? Idols are all just little brats decked out in dreams and fantasies.
Gin: There are no fakes or real deals among them.
Gin: Sure, Otsu-chan is cute and a good singer.
Gin: But if she stands alone on stage,
Gin: the audience only gets a vague idea of how good she is.
Gin: But if you put her in a group with five or six uggos,
Gin: even an idiot could clearly recognize how cute and how good she is.
Shin: I don't know if you really need the uggos...
Shin: But you're right. That's a group's biggest advantage.
Gin: Basically,
Gin: she needs uggos.
Shin: What kind of is that?!
Shin: Are they re-enacting the Chushingura?!
Gin: If that's not possible, she can just go for the -position bingo.
Shin: Why are we back to her making a Muteki debut?!
Shin: Anyway, a solo act may only go so far,
Shin: but with some other members who all make each other look good,
Shin: Otsu-chan might hit even bigger heights.
Shin: But where will she find idols who can compete with her potential?
Sayo: Otsu-chan really is cute.
Sayo: I wonder how you become an idol.
Sayo: I didn't really get it,
Sayo: but Gin-chan said anyone can get in by selling pillow talk.
Say: Really? They sell pillows?
Kag: Yup. Apparently, for most idols, that's their main job.
Say: They're selling pillows while singing? That must be hard.
P: You're wrong, miss.
P: An idol's real job isn't to sing or sell pillows.
P: It's to sell dreams.
P: If you don't mind, could you join us—no,
P: join Terakado Tsu and sell dreams together?
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Title: Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake
Shin: What?!
Shin: Kagura-chan, an idol?!
Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!
Shin: And you want to make her form a unit with Otsu-chan?!
Shin: Why are you resorting to such crazy schemes?!
Shin: And you call yourself the agency that's backed her all this time?!
OMom: It came as a surprise to me, too.
OMom: I couldn't believe the scout brought in
OMom: the girl from Odd Jobs, who'd helped us out in the past.
Otsu: But that's one of our scouts for you. He has a keen eye.
Otsu: I think Kagura-chan has all the makings of a fine idol.
Otsu: She's fair, has that foreign celeb thing going, and you could even call her pretty.
Otsu: And most of all, she looks at home doing anything.
Shin: Are there any idols who look at home picking their noses?
Otsu: Idols pick their noses, too. Even I—
Shin: No, you don't! Boogers don't exist for Otsu-chan!
Shin: Her nostrils are filled with pink, heart-shaped, sticky hopes and dreams!
Otsu: Uh, I'm pretty sure boogers would be better.
OMom: We're in the golden age of idol groups.
OMom: If Otsu doesn't do something now, she'll fall behind the times.
OMom: So we came up with this plan...
Would_you_like_t,Sign: Would you like to sing beside Terakado Tsu?
OMom: A plan to put her in a limited-time unit.
OMom: We call it the "Your Partner Is a ****er" Project.
Would_you_like_Copy: ,Your Partner Is a ****er
OMom: While pairing Otsu with a mysterious no-name to show a new, charming side of her,
OMom: we'll unearth a new diamond in the rough and market her in a package deal with Otsu.
Shin: Unearth? Dig this mine all you want, but all you'll find is boogers.
OMom: They may be boogers now,
OMom: but with polishing, they could become boogers harder than diamond.
Shin: But they'd still be boogers!
OMom: Anyway, Otsu needs an out-of-the-box partner.
OMom: Help us out.
Shin: Please calm down!
Shin: Do you want to waste all the hard work she's put in so far?
Shin: This girl isn't capable of being an idol and selling dreams!
Shin: If anything, she was created to crush the dreams of men!
Shin: A sad excuse for a Jump heroine!
OMom: Wow! What was that?
Kag: I let you talk, but you're just running your mouth now.
Kag: My boogers are already harder than diamonds.
Otsu: She could use that in a hidden talent contest for stars, Mom!
Otsu: Do it one more time!
Gin: Okay, that's enough.
Gin: Let's start talking business now.
Gin: She is our agency's main product.
Otsu: Huh?
Otsu: Agency? Product?
Gin: Yes. She's an idol that we developed.
Gin: For more than a decade since the anime began,
Gin: she has held firm as the center heroine and Gintama's idol.
Gin: If we're talking potential, we believe she far exceeds your Otsu-chan.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, President, we move forward on this as a co-production?
OMom: Yes, that's fine, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Him, a producer? He's just a leech.
OMom: It seems you weren't lying.
OMom: Her rhythm and sharp movements...
OMom: In terms of physical ability, she far exceeds Otsu.
Gin: Yeah.
Gin: No idol in the entire universe is a match for her on that front.
Gin: Right, Trainer Shimura?
Shin: Wait, I'm a trainer?
OMom: Good looks and great performing ability...
OMom: This may be the birth of a super idol.
OMom: Right, Manager Shimura?
Shin: Wait, am I a trainer or a manager? Pick one.
Gin: The real question is how we market them.
OMom: I'll let you handle that as the producer.
OMom: If we're trying to give Otsu a new kind of appeal,
OMom: then we should change how we produce her, too.
OMom: You can handle it, right?
Gin: No need to worry. We have an expert in idol studies on our side.
Gin: Right, Idol Nerd King?
Shin: Sorry. Could you give me a stable role already?
OMom: Show me what you've got, Sakata P and Shimura *****.
Shin: In the end, I'm just a perv?!
Shin: Hey, Gin-san!
Shin: Can you really produce idols?
Gin: As long as Otsu-chan is involved,
Gin: this will make shitloads of money, no matter what.
Gin: We should make them feel as indebted as possible and fleece them.
Shin: But Otsu-chan now has that massive booger stuck to her.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: What'd I tell you? a diamond shines extra bright with boogers all around it.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, yeah, you'll be working as Booger Diamonds from today on.
Otsu: Booger? Wait, that's our unit name, Producer?
Otsu: I don't know about having "booger" in the name.
Kag: She's right.
Kag: As the diamond, I don't mind, but put yourself in the booger's shoes.
Shin: Uh, you're the booger here.
Gin: It may sound Japanese, but "booger" means "limitless possibilities" in Spanish.
Shin: That's some impressive BS.
Gin: It also means "children of B'z and WANDS."
Shin: Why are you talking about B'z and WANDS like they're husband and wife?
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Gin: I wanna market you like the kid brother in the Yokohama Ginbae. Like Shima Daisuke.
A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: That's so old hat.
Gin: Right now, we should use the agency's pull to ride on all the coattails.
Gin: We'll handle the approvals later.
Shin: But this is going too far. They're idols, you know?
Otsu: I see.
Otsu: But we should at least make it a ladies' g*ng, Producer.
Shin: That's not the issue here, Otsu-chan.
Kag: Yeah, Sugimoto Tetta is cooler than Daisuke, Producer!
Shin: What do you think idols are?
Shin: The Daisuke part was all you picked up on!
Gin: How about this, then?
Gin: A long time ago, in a galaxy far away,
Gin: the great artists B'z and WANDS gave birth to children.
Shin: Talk about grandiose!
Gin: The children scattered across the universe.
Gin: Among them, the twins that were number —the last of the children—
Gin: descended on a planet called Earth...
Shin: Ah, like how Yukorin said she was from Planet Korin?
Gin: ...and made waves across the world.
Shin: Nothing's changed!
Shin: They just became Daisukerin in the end!
Gin: Daisukerin was supposed to make waves worldwide, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...always supported him.
Shin: Enough about Daisuke!
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: You two are the ones who need support!
Otsu: But suit-wearing idols might be a fresh concept.
Otsu: Wearing pants will limit the fanservice, but if we wear skirts instead
Otsu: and have a chic backing band, it could make for a cool and cute idol aesthetic.
Otsu: Here we go with "A Woman's Badge of Honor"!
Sign: A Woman's Badge of Honor
Shin: Uh, the costumes are nice, but what about the song?
Shin: It's still stuck to the Daisuke thing.
Kag: How about this, then?
Kag: Here we go with "The Mark of a Woman," 'kay?
Sign: The Mark of a Woman
Shin: Uh, that sounds like something else entirely.
Gin: This should do it, then.
Sign: That Day of the Month
Shin: What're you trying to make idols sing?!
Shin: That's what "A Woman's Badge of Honor" was about?
Shin: That's what "The Mark of a Woman" meant?!
Gin: Hey, don't jump to conclusions.
Gin: By "that day of the month," we mean...
That Day of the Month
Gin: ...that day when there's a lot of Daisuke in the backing band.
Shin: What kinda day is that?!
Shin: You again? You came home with your tail between your legs again?!
Shin: What happened to going into politics?!
Gin: Daisukerin made a comeback to showbiz, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...still supports him!
Shin: Forget about Daisuke already!
Shin: Anyway, why don't we look at the big picture?
Shin: What kind of personalities will they be playing?
Gin: They're B'z and WANDS's children, right?
Gin: They can just end every sentence with "zu."
Tamo: Here are our guests for today.
Bo: Hello. We are Booger Diamondzu zu.
Shin: They sound like hicks. Sounds like they're speaking a dialect.
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Then instead of "zu," let's go with "z."
Zu,Sign: Zu
Tamo: Cut your hair?
Kag: I did, yezzz...
Shin: She fell asleep!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Forget "z," then. Let's go with "s."
Kag: Lost your hair?
Shin: She just became a sadist!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Let's do this, then.
Kag: It's time for a short break, I'll never hurt you in all my love and selfishness.
Otsu: Don't change the channel, let's rend this moment with b*ll*ts from a rusty g*n!
Shin: Those verbal tics are too long!
Shin: Why song titles as a verbal tic? That's too much love and selfishness!
Shin: Tamo-san will rust away before they finish talking!
Gin: Quit complaining when you don't have any ideas.
Gin: I can't work with you, let's break up and I'll vanish from before you.
Shin: Why's the producer using Ohguro Maki song titles, too?
Gin: This is a pain.
Gin: Why don't we just have B'z and WANDS be the backing bands?
Shin: That'd just be a B'z and WANDS concert!
Shin: They'd eat us alive!
Tae: Shin-chan's right.
Tae: You're on the right track with B'z and WANDS,
Tae: but you're overlooking something important, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Sis?
Tae: Sorry for barging in.
Tae: I heard Kagura-chan was going to debut, so I wanted to cheer her on.
Tae: Here, I brought refreshments.
Kag: Boss lady!
Tae: I was just going to give you this and leave,
Tae: but I couldn't let it slide.
Otsu: Wow! What is this?
Tae: Producer Sakata.
Tae: You don't understand a thing.
Tae: All you're thinking about is how to market, how to make the audience happy.
Tae: It's all about the audience.
Tae: But the enemy isn't only in front of you.
Tae: The real enemy lurks behind the girls.
Tae: The backing band and backup dancers.
Tae: Don't you know how many idols they've gobbled up?
Shin: What're you talking about?!
Tae: Think back to Asa**** **** and Ham*** ******
Tae: and how backup whatevers are always taking idols from the back.
Shin: Yes, it happens a lot, but so what?!
Tae: They pretend to be on the idols' side,
Tae: but they always target them from the defenseless back,
Tae: sharpening their nails to strike.
Tae: And the moment the idol gives them an opening...
BD: Gotcha!
Shin: That backup dancer is way too scary!
Tae: In showbiz, the talent are products.
Tae: Those in the business should never ignore the fans and defile that product.
Shin: Otsu-chan!
Shin: Uh, an idol is about to die thanks to your refreshments!
Tae: And you men should be aware how idols are expected to stay pure.
Tae: Not putting careful thought into choosing the backing band is simply preposterous.
Tae: You must reconsider at once.
Gin: Like you'd know anything, outsider.
Gin: Who would you place at the back, then?
Kyu: On guitar, Kyubei!
Tsu: On b-bass, Tsukuyo!
Sac: On drums, Sacchan!
Tae: On castanets, Otae!
Tae: Together, the four of us...
All: ...are Diamond Vacuum!
Shin: You totally wanna eat Otsu-chan alive, too!
Shin: Where'd you come from, you brain-dead backing band?!
Sac: What're you saying?
Sac: We, Diamond Vacuum, had promised to make our music debut long before you guys.
Kyu: Our chance has finally arrived, Otae-chan.
Shin: No chance in hell! Get outta here!
Tae: We get it.
Tae: We're okay with being the backing band.
Tae: But please don't forget what I said about an idol's enemies lurking behind her.
Gin: What are you plotting?!
Gin: And what do you mean, "on castanets"? You're useless!
Tsu: Hey, what's "bass"?
Tsu: What, do I have to hit a ball with this thing and run to base?
Gin: Who brought this bum here?!
Shin: Get out! All of you get out!
OMom: Producer Sakata is good.
OMom: He's even got a backing band full of beauties.
OMom: This is sure to spur Otsu on.
OMom: Otsu, if you slack off, you really will be eaten alive.
OMom: Do your best.
Otsu: Who am I?
OMom: Otsu!
Debut Single An Idol's Badge of Honor
S: Looks like Terakado Tsu's making her move.
S: Booger Diamonds , huh?
S: I don't know where she found this partner, but she's pretty cute.
S: She truly looks boorish and uncultured,
S: like the poster girl of a diner out in the sticks.
S: The perfect partner for her.
S: She should've quietly faded away as a solo act.
S: Does she really think she can b*at us with this partner?
S: Terakado Tsu and Booger Diamonds .
S: I can't wait to see what a top idol on Earth is like.
G: Wh-What the hell is this?
G: Otsu-chan is making a unit debut?
Taka: This ain't funny! Who the hell is this booger girl?
G: We've always worshiped Otsu-chan as the one true goddess!
G: How dare they defile her with this package deal?!
G: As her fanclub, we will never accept this unit!
G: Yeah, yeah!
G: This is bad.
G: Let Captain Shimura know at once!
Kag: Manager Shimura!
Otsu: What're you doing over there?
Kag: Idols are busy people! Get me my sukonbu already, you rotten manager!
G: Manager Shimura?
G: Captain!
G: And Otsu-chan, too!
G: What's the meaning of this, Captain?!
G: Surely you didn't make her do this...
Shin: No, that's not it!
Shin: Hey, wait up!
Shin: Don't leave me behind!
Studio_Edo,Sign: Studio Edo
Otsu: La la la, idol
Kag: Accel, consul, it's dreams that we sell, 'kay?
Gin: Wait, time out.
Gin: Quit mixing in the 'kays, Kagura. You're ruining the lyrics.
Gin: Just forget about your character and lay yourself bare.
Gin: Try being plain old Kugimiya-san.
Shin: Aw, the one place where I could shine...
Shin: Producer Sakata, did you see how the fans reacted?
Shin: What now? Nobody wants this unit.
Gin: Don't worry.
Gin: I've got a huge event lined up for the CD's release.
Gin: The backing band's making adjustments for it, too.
Tsu: Why do I have to do this?
Gin: As long as we create enough hype by then, it won't be a problem.
Gin: You fell in love with Otsu-chan when you watched her street concerts, right?
Gin: Real popularity is always built up slowly and steadily like that.
Gin: People who become fans overnight also leave overnight.
Gin: There are no shortcuts in showbiz, Manager Shimura.
Shin: That's true.
Gin: I feel bad for Otsu-chan, but she'll have to forget she's a top idol
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
SignL: As long as you giveus money, we'll sell you dreams, pillows, or whatever.
Gin: and start over from sales.
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
Shin: What's slow and steady about this?!
Shin: What do you mean, pillow talk meet?
Shin: What're you trying to make idols do?!
Gin: It's basically a meet-and-greet.
Gin: You know how "idols you can meet" are all the rage?
Gin: We'll go with "idols you can pillow talk."
Shin: You can't call those idols!
Gin: Relax. I know it says pillow talk,
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Gin: but this is just a meet-and-greet where we sell expensive autographed pillows.
Shin: That's basically a scam!
Sign: Kagura
G: Pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
Shin: A whole horde of men showed up with the wrong idea!
Gin: Looks like it worked.
Shin: Like hell! This is too risky!
Gin: Meet-and-greets are always full of risks.
Gin: All idol nerds touch their d*cks before going to those.
Gin: The idols and fans both get covered in d*ck.
Gin: In the end, it just becomes d*cks shaking hands with d*cks.
Shin: What kind of risk are you even talking about?!
Kag: Ugh, are you serious? That's horrible.
Kag: Make them disinfect before shaking hands.
Shin: An idol with her hand covered in boogers shouldn't talk!
Otsu: It's okay. If this made me lose heart, I'd never make it as an idol.
Gin: That's a pro for you.
Gin: Don't worry. We'll protect you if anything happens.
Kag: Promise?
Kag: Come save us at once if anyone dangerous shows up.
Shin: The idol's more dangerous!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Wait, wait, wait!
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Forget meet-and-greet! This has become Hanayama Kaoru's Vice Grip Meet!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Huh? I'm not supposed to send them to the pillows?
Shin: This isn't what pillow business means!
Shin: They're all dying off before they can reach Otsu-chan, their goal!
G: Screw you! I came here 'cause I heard I could pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
G: We can't even shake her hand like this!
G: Gimme back my money!
Shin: This is bad, Producer Sakata!
Shin: We won't get popular like this! We'll get sued!
Gin: Rest assured. All of this was just a sideshow.
Gin: The main event starts now.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get a Booger Diamonds lap pillow coupon!
Shin: What do you think you're saying, Gin-san?
Gin: What's wrong with lap pillows? It's not like they lose anything.
Kag: Yeah, sounds good.
Kag: Take this.
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: There's nothing good about this!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: Who asked you to use that random martial art?!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: What the hell is a Lap Pillow Punch? It's just a knee strike!
Kag: I sleep better with a hard pillow.
Shin: Nobody cares about your pillow preferences!
Shin: I know you sleep like a log, but that doesn't matter!
C: Knock it off! We're not here to visit some S&M club!
C: You really call yourself idols?!
Shin: Sakata P!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get to sleep for a tiny bit with Booger Diamonds on that very pillow!
Kag: Zzz...
Kag: No, that's my Happy Turn!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too!
Gin: If you buy right here and now,
Gin: you get a special price of , yen and bonus pillow storage boxes!
Shin: Now you're just Suckerta on the TV Shopping Network!
G: What the hell is wrong with these guys?
G: Screw this! Let's bounce!
Shin: Hey, wait!
S: Aw, the poor things. How could you be so mean to your fans?
S: To idols, the fans are gods.
S: We would never let you look so sad when you leave.
G: That's...
S: Why? Because...
S: Tubular!
S: We provide dreams to all of space
S: as the special unit of galactic idols.
S: That is why.
Shin: Galaxy Kingdom b*tches ?!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Preview,Sign: Preview
Kag: What's with these girls?
Kag: I can't believe they can say "tubular" when sober.
Kag: We'll see if you can maintain that attitude after you watch our meet-and-greet.
Title: Diamonds are Unscratchable
Kag: Next time: "Diamonds are Unscratchable."
Preview: ,Preview
S: They might not let us, even if this is a late-night slot.
TextR: We've already pulled all kindsof crap over the years.
Side Bar Bottom Black,TextL: What can they possibly be planning to pull now?
TextR: When GKB challenge them,
TextL: how will BDZ respond?!