09x06 - 3000 Leagues in Search of a Scabbard
Posted: 09/24/22 06:31
G: Who goes there?
G: You must be Senbe the Manslayer.
G: Prepare to go down!
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Tet: This is a great sword.
Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright roomand at a safe distance from your TV!
Tet: It's nameless, but sharp.
Tet: Looks like it ran wild with its wielder in the past,
Tet: but it's being taken care of now.
Tet: Must belong to a retired general.
Shin: Tetsuko-san, that sword is actually a memento of Otose-san's late husband.
Tet: Oh...
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Tet: I'll deliver it nice and sharpened tomorrow.
Tet: I'm sure it wants to go home soon, too.
Kag: Tetsuko, you can talk to swords? You're amazing!
Tet: It's not like that.
Kag: What about that one? What's it saying?
Tet: The number of battles it's gone through and the amount of blood it has spilled
Tet: is way higher than any other sword.
Tet: But it's been used as a weight for cup ramen way more than any other sword, too.
Gin: Man, I feel so much better.
Tet: Perhaps due to its poor treatment, I can see it shrouded in malice.
Gin: I thought I was gonna wet myself.
Kag: Malice?
Tet: Yes. Rather than the blood of enemies,
Tet: it thirsts for the blood of its wielder.
Kag: Wow, you're right!
Shin: You can tell when a sword looks down on its wielder?
Shin: That's our master swordsmith!
Kag: Though to be honest, we knew that, too.
Gin: Master swordsmith, my ass!
Gin: Why's a drawn sword just laying around right there?
Gin: Should a smithy be treating her products so badly?
Tet: What's this sword?
Tet: I don't remember it.
Gin: Don't play dumb.
Gin: Are you saying it came here by itself to get a massage? To rub one out?
Shin: This is a smithy! Not a brothel!
Kag: Maybe it got kicked out of its scabbard due to its low salary.
Kag: Tetsuko, you should hear out its complaints, too.
Tet: Uh, complaints?
Gin: Even I could hear those out.
Gin: You seem really up for this, sir.
Gin: Look at you, all naked before we even get started.
Gin: Your scabbard may have dumped you, but I'll make you forget about it all tonight.
Gin: And then, you can get a fresh start as a wok in Gin-san's place tomorrow.
Tet: Hey, wait!
Gin: Got that, Tetsuko? Make us a nice wok.
Shin: What are you doing? We don't even know whose sword it is yet!
Gin: Didn't you hear it? It's sick of cutting things.
Gin: It wants to stop hurting people and start frying rice instead.
Gin: We don't have a pan, so this is perfect.
Shin: You need a fresh start more than it does, you bum!
Gin: Ah, I don't know why, but I think I can hear the sword crying out in joy.
Shin: Uh, sorry,
Shin: but we can hear it, too.
Shin: I don't know about crying out in joy. This sounds more like dying screams.
Gin: Huh? You can hear that, too?
Kus: Bro...
Kus: Whaddya think yer doin' ta me?
Kus: Want me ta suck yer blood up?!
Shin: Gin-san?!
Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Kus: Yeesh.
Kus: There's no tellin' what samurai these days get up ta.
Kus: How scary.
Kus: If I were any other sword, I woulda snapped.
Kus: Be more careful. Most swords'll lash out at the drop of a hat.
Kus: Ya won't find many blunt, gentle ones like me.
Tet: S-Sorry about that.
Kus: Well, as long as ya learned yer lesson.
Kus: I'm not yellin' at ya 'cause I want ta.
Kus: Thankfully, nobody got hurt,
Kus: so let's call this water under the bridge.
Kus: Well, thanks for the yummy tea. Take care.
Gin: Like hell! I totally got hurt here!
Gin: How long are you gonna stay stuck in my ass?
Gin: And what the hell are you, anyway?
Gin: What's with this thing? I can't get it out!
Kus: Yer wastin' yer time, bro. We're a pair now.
Kus: I finally found ya, my scabbard. I ain't never lettin' ya go.
Gin: Did you just call my butthole a scabbard?
Shin: Calm down, both of you. Calm down.
Gin: How can I? I've got a sword in my ass!
Kag: Oh, just shut up and sit down.
Shin: P-Planet Excalibur?
Kus: Aye. Believe it or not, I'm an actual Amanto,
Kus: Kusanagi from Planet Excalibur.
Tet: K-Kusanagi-san?
Kus: I may be loiterin' about butt-naked without a scabbard now,
Kus: but when I was young, I was a famous sword.
Shin: Uh, could you stop talking about loitering butt-naked with that name?
Kus: Us excaliburlings have bodies made of liquid metal.
Kus: In other words, we can transform inta anythin' we wanna be.
Kus: We've transformed inta all kinds of weapons
Kus: and taken part in wars on all kinds of planets as mercenaries.
Kus: I came ta Earth a long time ago when I smelled w*r here.
Kus: Ever since, me and my wife Scabberina had been livin' as a very lovin' couple.
Shin: Who the hell is Scabberina?
Shin: Was your scabbard your wife?
Kus: She was too good for me, I say.
Kus: She always welcomed me back with a warm smile.
Kus: And back then, I was young, too.
Kus: I thrust in and out of her several times a day.
Shin: Stop moving like that. What are you saying?
Shin: Is it what I think it is?
Kag: If you had such a beloved scabbard, why are you naked now, Member Kusanagi?
Shin: Stop calling him that!
Tet: A sword and its scabbard are as one.
Tet: They're like SM*P, which only functions when all its members are present.
Shin: You two are doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
Kus: As time passed and I grew older, I lost my edge.
Kus: Our owner put us up for sale at a pawn shop.
Kus: For some reason, a buyer was found immediately,
Kus: but I was dumped in a ditch.
Kus: The buyer only wanted the beautiful Scabberina, not me.
Kus: For decades since then, I've been lookin' for her,
Kus: but I still have no idea where she is now.
Kus: I went from smithy ta smithy, hopin' ta meet a good scabbard,
Kus: but that was a swing and a miss, too.
Tet: So that's why you came to me?
Kus: I lost my owner and my partner 'cause I was so dull.
Kus: So I gotta take them back with my own hands...
Kus: The bright light from those days, and my beloved other half.
Kus: But I know from the bottom of my blade that I can't do anythin' as a lone dull blade.
Kus: Doesn't matter if it's just a temporary home. I need an owner, a scabbard!
Kus: I beg of ya, lend me yer ass for a while.
Kus: C'mon, please.
Shin: Okay! Come one, come all!
Shin: Is the sword on your hip a treasure that brings good luck
Shin: or a curse that brings misfortune?
Shin: Don't you want to know?
Sword_Fortune_Te,Sign: Sword Fortune Telling
Kag: Edo's best swordsmith, Murata Tetsuko, will ascertain your sword's quality!
Shin: And we're willing to bleed money on the first day!
Shin: We'll look at your swords for free today!
Shin: First come, first served!
Kus: You guys...
Tet: In truth, we want to check out not the swords, but their scabbards.
Kus: Instead of just givin' me this filthy ass, you'd go so far for me?
Tet: I'm not doing this for you.
Tet: I'm a swordsmith.
Tet: When there's a rusty sword of repute lying in front of me,
Tet: do you really think I could stop myself from sharpening it?
Kus: T-Tetsuko-han!
Tet: I'll lend you as many filthy asses as you want, so just shut up and sit tight.
Kus: Sorry. I forgot I was lugging this filthy ass around.
Gin: Who do you think this filthy ass belongs to?
Gin: What gives you guys the right to decide the fate of my filthy ass?
Gin: Wait, whose ass are you calling filthy?
Shin: Not like we have a choice.
Shin: He says he won't leave your ass until he finds a home.
Kag: If you wanna be freed, we gotta find his separated scabbard.
Gin: Quit messing—
Shin: Oh, by the way, excaliburlings are vampiric in nature.
Shin: If you do anything stupid...
Kus: Want me to suck up the blood from yer entire body?
Gin: Excuse me.
Gin: Would you like to be the scabbard for my sword?
G: Eek!
Kus: C'mon, bro. Yer makin' yer ulterior motives too obvious.
Kus: Ya'll never find me a scabbard like that.
Gin: I don't wanna hear that from the one sticking butt-naked into my butt.
Kus: Just watch me.
Kus: Hey, lady.
Kus: Want me to suck yer ********* *****?
G: Eek!
Gin: I'll k*ll your blunt ass!
Gin: Why are you getting me beaten up?
Gin: Why do I have to do this?
Kus: Crap, I messed up. Shoulda gone with "please suck my ****."
Shin: What kind of scabbard are you looking for?!
Shin: Nobody cares about the swords in your pants!
Shin: Stick them in Tasty Stick packaging or something!
Shin: Aren't you looking for your wife Scabberina?
Shin: Why are you trying to sneakily find a new scabbard?
Shin: Take this more seriously!
Shin: If you wanna find customers, talk to people who are carrying swords!
Gin: Ow, ow... Hey, what are you doing?
Kus: N-Nah, i-it a-ain't me.
Kus: Th-This is resonance.
Gin: What?
Kus: O-One of my own is nearby.
Shin: Huh? Could it be Scabberina?
Kus: N-Nah.
Sen: Is it true that you're ascertaining the quality of swords?
Sen: I'd love it if you could check mine as well.
Sen: What do you see?
Sen: Do you hear the screams of all the people I've cut down?
Sen: Or do you hear the sound of all the swords he's devoured breaking?
Sen: Whoops, looks like we have an unwanted visitor.
Sen: I'll come back some other time.
Sen: I'm sure we'll meet again.
Gin: What was with that guy?
Shin: Are you sure, Kusanagi-san?
Shin: That was an excaliburling, too, right?
Shin: They might've known something about Scabberina.
Shin: N-No way... He'd come ta this planet, too?
Shin: N-Never get involved with that guy. He's bad news.
Shin: Kusanagi-san?
Gin: Hey, knock it off. My ass can't take any more.
Gin: You're not resonating, are you? You're just trembling in fear!
Oki: Damn, he got away.
Oki: Welp, if I go back empty-handed, Hijikata-san will yell at me.
Oki: Whatever. There's a perfect replacement.
Oki: Boss, your usual wooden sword is one thing,
Oki: but we can't have you carrying that around during the sword ban.
Oki: You're under arrest for a Swords and Firearms Act violation and public indecency.
Gin: What? Wait, this isn't what you think!
Gin: Hey, stop clattering and say something!
Kus: You got it wrong. I ain't tremblin'.
Kus: I-I found her... I finally found her.
Kus: That bro's scabbard... That beautiful scabbard...
Kus: There's no mistakin' it.
Kus: It's my wife, Scabberina!
Special_Police_S,Sign: Special PoliceShinsengumi
Kon: This is horrible.
Kon: Have we identified the victim?
Hij: Probably a Joi Rebel from some faction.
Kon: The body's in tatters. Is it him again?
Hij: No doubt about it.
Hij: The massive cut that couldn't be inflicted by any mere human,
Hij: the sword that seems like it was ripped off at the hilt...
Hij: It has to be Senbe the Manslayer.
Kon: The mad sword that had bakufu officials trembling in the past
Kon: is now being used to shed the blood of his own comrades?
Hij: I'm perfectly okay with those mites k*lling each other.
Hij: But this bothers me.
Hij: It's unthinkable that a man could've done this. What purpose does it serve?
Hij: I heard a strange rumor.
Hij: Apparently, before Senbe betrayed his group,
Hij: he picked up a creepy black sword from somewhere.
Kon: A sword?
Hij: Ever since he did, he became a different person and obsessed over it.
Hij: He started acting strangely, like talking to the sword at times.
Kon: Are you saying his objective isn't slaying men, but the swords?
Kon: Sure you're not overthinking this?
Hij: I sure hope so.
Hij: But I've been put through hell by a sword, too.
Kon: That reminds me. I saw Sogo talking to his sword recently, too.
Kon: He might suddenly become a serial k*ller too, or something!
Oki: Oh, Hijikata-san.
Oki: Sorry, but I'm borrowing your room to take this guy apart.
Hij: Huh? What was that just now?
Kon: What did he mean, take apart? What was that we just saw?
Hij: Wait, Sogo!
Hij: No! Please no!
Kon: What are you doing in my room?
Hij: Finally got it out.
Oki: This won't do, boss.
Kus: You gotta be more gentle with elders.
Oki: Man, that was one hell of a surprise.
Oki: I didn't expect someone other than me to own an excalibur.
Oki: That's the boss. A real connoisseur.
Shin: Gin-san, you can finally kiss goodbye to playing scabbard.
Kus: Thank ya so much for lending me yer filthy ass.
Tet: No problem. We're glad this filthy ass was of use.
Kag: Yeah. If you don't mind that filthy ass, come hang out again.
Oki: Er, I'm not sure I follow.
Oki: Are we bidding farewell to the boss's ass?
Tet: The thing is, the scabbard holding your sword
Tet: is apparently Kusanagi-san's long separated wife.
Tet: So if possible, we'd like to send him back to his original home.
Kus: Scabberina, you've been silent all this while.
Kus: You must be mad, right?
Kus: I'm truly sorry!
Kus: I caused ya so much pain 'cause I was so weak!
Kus: But it's all right now.
Kus: I swear ta protect ya.
Kus: I'll never let ya go again.
Kus: Could we make a fresh start as one sword again?
Sca: Who're you, anyway?
Sca: Could somebody tell me what's going on?
Sca: Did he just propose to me out of the blue? That's messed up!
Sca: Who's this old fart? I'm scared, So-kun!
Shin: Huh?
Kus: What're ya talkin' about, Scabberina? It's me, Kusanagi!
Kus: Did ya have ta wait so long that ya forgot about me?
Kag: Hey, Member Kusanagi. Did you get the wrong Scabberina?
Kus: Nah! I'd never mistake her!
Kus: Right, Scabberina?
Oki: Uh...
Oki: Maybe you shouldn't dredge up the past after so long.
Oki: Everyone has memories they don't want to remember.
Kus: Wh-What's that supposed ta mean?
Oki: It means time has passed.
Oki: She's living a new chapter in her life now.
Oki: With me. Right, Scarlett?
Sca: Stop it, So-kun! People are watching!
Kus: Who're you callin' Scarlett?!
Oki: She's happy as she is now, so what're you doing here?
Oki: Take the hint, honestly.
Shin: This is starting to sound like a fight between ex- and current boyfriends.
Sca: Yeah, yeah!
Sca: So-kun is my savior.
Sca: Put on sale in a New York slum, I waited forever for a buyer.
Sca: Nobody gave me a second glance, but he bought me.
Shin: New York? You were on sale in New York?!
Sca: A worn-out scabbard, and his big, hefty sword.
Sca: I knew he was out of my league.
Sca: I knew it was just a game. That he wouldn't get serious.
Shin: What is this, Pretty Woman?
Sca: But he's always serious when playing around
Sca: and always plays around when he's serious.
Sca: That innocence of his gradually thawed my frozen heart...
Shin: Forget playing around, he basically used and threw you from the start!
Sca: Dunno who you are, but could you not get in our way?
Sca: We're plenty happy right now.
Kus: S-Scabberina...
Oki: I don't know how it was in the past,
Oki: but Scarlett is now crazy for my fat Kikuichimonji RX- all the way inside.
Sca: Stop it, So-kun!
Sca: This is too embarrassing!
Kus: Scabberina! This can't be!
Kus: I won't accept this!
Shin: Kusanagi-san!
Gin: Why'd you come back here?!
Shin: Kusanagi-san...
Kag: Oh, no. He's closed himself off.
Gin: My butthole is what's been closed off!
Gin: It's gone all the way inside!
Oki: Well, there you have it.
Oki: Sorry, boss, but could you get that blunt ass outta here already?
Shin: Gin-san?!
Shin: And what were you guys doing? Eavesdropping?!
All: Aw...
Oki: What's the meaning of this, boss?
Gin: You've gotta be kidding me.
Gin: I'm not leaving with a lid on my ass.
Gin: I'm constipated enough as it is.
Oki: Shall I slice open your belly and drag your guts out for you?
Kon: Stop it, Sogo!
Shin: You too, Gin-san!
Gin: You guys stay out of this! This runt is mine!
Gin: It's only right to settle a dispute over swords with swords, yeah?
Gin: A superior scabbard deserves a superior sword.
Gin: Isn't that right, Sogo-kun?
Oki: You mean...
Gin: My sword and yours...
Gin: Let's have a real sword fight to see which deserves that scabbard more.
Bo: Real sword fight?!
Oki: Amusing. This is a chance I thought I'd never have.
Kon: Stop it!
Kon: If you two sadists clash,
Kon: your sadism will repel and you-know-what...
Kon: I'm a masochist!
Hij: Don't take the bait, Sogo. The Shinsengumi Code bans personal clashes.
Gin: Oh, really? Personal clashes aren't allowed?
Gin: That's weird. I remember having very personal clashes with a pair of morons before.
Gin: Oh, I see. Those were more like "flashes," weren't they?
Gin: Those two were defeated before I could even do anything,
Gin: so they were clashes that were over in a flash, huh?
Kon: The duel will take place tomorrow!
Kon: It'll be held in the World Clash Tournament venue!
Odd_Jobs_Ace_Sak,Sign: Odd Jobs Ace Sakata Gintoki vs. Shinsengumi Ace Okita Sogo{\fs}Deathmatch
Hij: Have your neck washed and ready to be chopped off!
Kag: Shaddup! He's not gonna wash his neck!
Kag: He'll wash every part of his body but his neck with sponge gourd!
Shin: Hey, what happened to the Shinsengumi Code?!
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Shin: What's wrong with you, Gin-san?
Shin: Why'd you challenge him to that battle?
Gin: It's not a battle. It's a buttle.
Gin: You wouldn't understand how it feels to have a sword stuck in your ass /.
Shin: I get wanting to be freed of the sword, but you're up against Okita-san,
Shin: the genius swordsman said to be the strongest man in the Shinsengumi.
Shin: And he's a super sadist to boot.
Shin: He was one misstep away from being a serial k*ller.
Shin: He's a trashy scumbag whose good looks are all he has.
Gin: Shinpachi, what do you have against him?
Kag: Shaddup! My ace ain't gonna lose to that runt!
Kag: This guy was one misstep away from being a NEET scumbag, too!
Shin: Uh, that's not missing any steps. It's Gin-san as we know him now.
Gin: What's that supposed to mean, Shinpachi?
Kag: Have more faith! Everybody is one misstep away from being a NEET!
Shin: Like hell!
Tet: Can I ask you something?
Tet: You'll both use real swords in the buttle tomorrow, right?
Tet: How are you going to fight with that?
Tet: One, two...
Gin: Ow, ow, ow!
Gin: Wait, time out! I can't... I can't!
Gin: I'll become Shiina Kippei! I'll end up like Shiina Kippei in Outrage!
Kag: Pull it out or stop? Make up your damn mind, you stupid Duncan!
Gin: They all look like villains! They all look like Takeshi!
Kag: Raise the horsepower, dammit, you stupid bean!
Gin: Wait, dammit, you stupid Gidayu...
Kag: All right, keep jogging toward tomorrow!
Kag: Eastward ho, dammit, you stupid Comaneci!
Gin: You're getting your priorities mixed up!
Gin: Enough! How long are you gonna stay holed up in there?
Gin: Just get out already!
Kus: No! There's no way a blunt sword like me could ever win!
Kus: I'm so blunt, I can't even rend my long-severed marriage or my regrets...
Kus: I'm just a corn potage Tasty Stick!
Gin: Don't casually try to be the yummy one, you stupid natto flavor!
Tet: Have more faith in yourself, Kusanagi.
Tet: The most important thing in a sword isn't its cutting edge!
Tet: It's the core that runs through its blade!
Tet: People and swords are the same.
Tet: Even if they run into brick walls, as long as their cores stay intact,
Tet: they can be beaten back into shape over and over!
Tet: Your love for your scabbard is the mark of a great sword.
Tet: Leave the rest to a smithy.
Kus: Tetsuko-han... Will you b*at me back inta shape?
Tet: Don't worry. I promise to turn you into the most splendid sword.
Tet: I won't let anybody call you a dull ass anymore.
Kus: I'm countin' on ya, Tetsuko-han!
Tet: Sure! Here I go!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Title: The Super Sadist and the Super Sadist
Oki: Next time: "The Super Sadist..."
Gin: "...and the Super Sadist."
Side Bar Top Yellow,TextR: Huh? Another multi-episode arc?
TextL: Yep. Another multi-episode arc.
TextR: But after doing arcs that lasted entire cours,
TextL: we can stick by our g*ns and still call this a collection of short stories.
G: You must be Senbe the Manslayer.
G: Prepare to go down!
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Tet: This is a great sword.
Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright roomand at a safe distance from your TV!
Tet: It's nameless, but sharp.
Tet: Looks like it ran wild with its wielder in the past,
Tet: but it's being taken care of now.
Tet: Must belong to a retired general.
Shin: Tetsuko-san, that sword is actually a memento of Otose-san's late husband.
Tet: Oh...
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Tet: I'll deliver it nice and sharpened tomorrow.
Tet: I'm sure it wants to go home soon, too.
Kag: Tetsuko, you can talk to swords? You're amazing!
Tet: It's not like that.
Kag: What about that one? What's it saying?
Tet: The number of battles it's gone through and the amount of blood it has spilled
Tet: is way higher than any other sword.
Tet: But it's been used as a weight for cup ramen way more than any other sword, too.
Gin: Man, I feel so much better.
Tet: Perhaps due to its poor treatment, I can see it shrouded in malice.
Gin: I thought I was gonna wet myself.
Kag: Malice?
Tet: Yes. Rather than the blood of enemies,
Tet: it thirsts for the blood of its wielder.
Kag: Wow, you're right!
Shin: You can tell when a sword looks down on its wielder?
Shin: That's our master swordsmith!
Kag: Though to be honest, we knew that, too.
Gin: Master swordsmith, my ass!
Gin: Why's a drawn sword just laying around right there?
Gin: Should a smithy be treating her products so badly?
Tet: What's this sword?
Tet: I don't remember it.
Gin: Don't play dumb.
Gin: Are you saying it came here by itself to get a massage? To rub one out?
Shin: This is a smithy! Not a brothel!
Kag: Maybe it got kicked out of its scabbard due to its low salary.
Kag: Tetsuko, you should hear out its complaints, too.
Tet: Uh, complaints?
Gin: Even I could hear those out.
Gin: You seem really up for this, sir.
Gin: Look at you, all naked before we even get started.
Gin: Your scabbard may have dumped you, but I'll make you forget about it all tonight.
Gin: And then, you can get a fresh start as a wok in Gin-san's place tomorrow.
Tet: Hey, wait!
Gin: Got that, Tetsuko? Make us a nice wok.
Shin: What are you doing? We don't even know whose sword it is yet!
Gin: Didn't you hear it? It's sick of cutting things.
Gin: It wants to stop hurting people and start frying rice instead.
Gin: We don't have a pan, so this is perfect.
Shin: You need a fresh start more than it does, you bum!
Gin: Ah, I don't know why, but I think I can hear the sword crying out in joy.
Shin: Uh, sorry,
Shin: but we can hear it, too.
Shin: I don't know about crying out in joy. This sounds more like dying screams.
Gin: Huh? You can hear that, too?
Kus: Bro...
Kus: Whaddya think yer doin' ta me?
Kus: Want me ta suck yer blood up?!
Shin: Gin-san?!
Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Kus: Yeesh.
Kus: There's no tellin' what samurai these days get up ta.
Kus: How scary.
Kus: If I were any other sword, I woulda snapped.
Kus: Be more careful. Most swords'll lash out at the drop of a hat.
Kus: Ya won't find many blunt, gentle ones like me.
Tet: S-Sorry about that.
Kus: Well, as long as ya learned yer lesson.
Kus: I'm not yellin' at ya 'cause I want ta.
Kus: Thankfully, nobody got hurt,
Kus: so let's call this water under the bridge.
Kus: Well, thanks for the yummy tea. Take care.
Gin: Like hell! I totally got hurt here!
Gin: How long are you gonna stay stuck in my ass?
Gin: And what the hell are you, anyway?
Gin: What's with this thing? I can't get it out!
Kus: Yer wastin' yer time, bro. We're a pair now.
Kus: I finally found ya, my scabbard. I ain't never lettin' ya go.
Gin: Did you just call my butthole a scabbard?
Shin: Calm down, both of you. Calm down.
Gin: How can I? I've got a sword in my ass!
Kag: Oh, just shut up and sit down.
Shin: P-Planet Excalibur?
Kus: Aye. Believe it or not, I'm an actual Amanto,
Kus: Kusanagi from Planet Excalibur.
Tet: K-Kusanagi-san?
Kus: I may be loiterin' about butt-naked without a scabbard now,
Kus: but when I was young, I was a famous sword.
Shin: Uh, could you stop talking about loitering butt-naked with that name?
Kus: Us excaliburlings have bodies made of liquid metal.
Kus: In other words, we can transform inta anythin' we wanna be.
Kus: We've transformed inta all kinds of weapons
Kus: and taken part in wars on all kinds of planets as mercenaries.
Kus: I came ta Earth a long time ago when I smelled w*r here.
Kus: Ever since, me and my wife Scabberina had been livin' as a very lovin' couple.
Shin: Who the hell is Scabberina?
Shin: Was your scabbard your wife?
Kus: She was too good for me, I say.
Kus: She always welcomed me back with a warm smile.
Kus: And back then, I was young, too.
Kus: I thrust in and out of her several times a day.
Shin: Stop moving like that. What are you saying?
Shin: Is it what I think it is?
Kag: If you had such a beloved scabbard, why are you naked now, Member Kusanagi?
Shin: Stop calling him that!
Tet: A sword and its scabbard are as one.
Tet: They're like SM*P, which only functions when all its members are present.
Shin: You two are doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
Kus: As time passed and I grew older, I lost my edge.
Kus: Our owner put us up for sale at a pawn shop.
Kus: For some reason, a buyer was found immediately,
Kus: but I was dumped in a ditch.
Kus: The buyer only wanted the beautiful Scabberina, not me.
Kus: For decades since then, I've been lookin' for her,
Kus: but I still have no idea where she is now.
Kus: I went from smithy ta smithy, hopin' ta meet a good scabbard,
Kus: but that was a swing and a miss, too.
Tet: So that's why you came to me?
Kus: I lost my owner and my partner 'cause I was so dull.
Kus: So I gotta take them back with my own hands...
Kus: The bright light from those days, and my beloved other half.
Kus: But I know from the bottom of my blade that I can't do anythin' as a lone dull blade.
Kus: Doesn't matter if it's just a temporary home. I need an owner, a scabbard!
Kus: I beg of ya, lend me yer ass for a while.
Kus: C'mon, please.
Shin: Okay! Come one, come all!
Shin: Is the sword on your hip a treasure that brings good luck
Shin: or a curse that brings misfortune?
Shin: Don't you want to know?
Sword_Fortune_Te,Sign: Sword Fortune Telling
Kag: Edo's best swordsmith, Murata Tetsuko, will ascertain your sword's quality!
Shin: And we're willing to bleed money on the first day!
Shin: We'll look at your swords for free today!
Shin: First come, first served!
Kus: You guys...
Tet: In truth, we want to check out not the swords, but their scabbards.
Kus: Instead of just givin' me this filthy ass, you'd go so far for me?
Tet: I'm not doing this for you.
Tet: I'm a swordsmith.
Tet: When there's a rusty sword of repute lying in front of me,
Tet: do you really think I could stop myself from sharpening it?
Kus: T-Tetsuko-han!
Tet: I'll lend you as many filthy asses as you want, so just shut up and sit tight.
Kus: Sorry. I forgot I was lugging this filthy ass around.
Gin: Who do you think this filthy ass belongs to?
Gin: What gives you guys the right to decide the fate of my filthy ass?
Gin: Wait, whose ass are you calling filthy?
Shin: Not like we have a choice.
Shin: He says he won't leave your ass until he finds a home.
Kag: If you wanna be freed, we gotta find his separated scabbard.
Gin: Quit messing—
Shin: Oh, by the way, excaliburlings are vampiric in nature.
Shin: If you do anything stupid...
Kus: Want me to suck up the blood from yer entire body?
Gin: Excuse me.
Gin: Would you like to be the scabbard for my sword?
G: Eek!
Kus: C'mon, bro. Yer makin' yer ulterior motives too obvious.
Kus: Ya'll never find me a scabbard like that.
Gin: I don't wanna hear that from the one sticking butt-naked into my butt.
Kus: Just watch me.
Kus: Hey, lady.
Kus: Want me to suck yer ********* *****?
G: Eek!
Gin: I'll k*ll your blunt ass!
Gin: Why are you getting me beaten up?
Gin: Why do I have to do this?
Kus: Crap, I messed up. Shoulda gone with "please suck my ****."
Shin: What kind of scabbard are you looking for?!
Shin: Nobody cares about the swords in your pants!
Shin: Stick them in Tasty Stick packaging or something!
Shin: Aren't you looking for your wife Scabberina?
Shin: Why are you trying to sneakily find a new scabbard?
Shin: Take this more seriously!
Shin: If you wanna find customers, talk to people who are carrying swords!
Gin: Ow, ow... Hey, what are you doing?
Kus: N-Nah, i-it a-ain't me.
Kus: Th-This is resonance.
Gin: What?
Kus: O-One of my own is nearby.
Shin: Huh? Could it be Scabberina?
Kus: N-Nah.
Sen: Is it true that you're ascertaining the quality of swords?
Sen: I'd love it if you could check mine as well.
Sen: What do you see?
Sen: Do you hear the screams of all the people I've cut down?
Sen: Or do you hear the sound of all the swords he's devoured breaking?
Sen: Whoops, looks like we have an unwanted visitor.
Sen: I'll come back some other time.
Sen: I'm sure we'll meet again.
Gin: What was with that guy?
Shin: Are you sure, Kusanagi-san?
Shin: That was an excaliburling, too, right?
Shin: They might've known something about Scabberina.
Shin: N-No way... He'd come ta this planet, too?
Shin: N-Never get involved with that guy. He's bad news.
Shin: Kusanagi-san?
Gin: Hey, knock it off. My ass can't take any more.
Gin: You're not resonating, are you? You're just trembling in fear!
Oki: Damn, he got away.
Oki: Welp, if I go back empty-handed, Hijikata-san will yell at me.
Oki: Whatever. There's a perfect replacement.
Oki: Boss, your usual wooden sword is one thing,
Oki: but we can't have you carrying that around during the sword ban.
Oki: You're under arrest for a Swords and Firearms Act violation and public indecency.
Gin: What? Wait, this isn't what you think!
Gin: Hey, stop clattering and say something!
Kus: You got it wrong. I ain't tremblin'.
Kus: I-I found her... I finally found her.
Kus: That bro's scabbard... That beautiful scabbard...
Kus: There's no mistakin' it.
Kus: It's my wife, Scabberina!
Special_Police_S,Sign: Special PoliceShinsengumi
Kon: This is horrible.
Kon: Have we identified the victim?
Hij: Probably a Joi Rebel from some faction.
Kon: The body's in tatters. Is it him again?
Hij: No doubt about it.
Hij: The massive cut that couldn't be inflicted by any mere human,
Hij: the sword that seems like it was ripped off at the hilt...
Hij: It has to be Senbe the Manslayer.
Kon: The mad sword that had bakufu officials trembling in the past
Kon: is now being used to shed the blood of his own comrades?
Hij: I'm perfectly okay with those mites k*lling each other.
Hij: But this bothers me.
Hij: It's unthinkable that a man could've done this. What purpose does it serve?
Hij: I heard a strange rumor.
Hij: Apparently, before Senbe betrayed his group,
Hij: he picked up a creepy black sword from somewhere.
Kon: A sword?
Hij: Ever since he did, he became a different person and obsessed over it.
Hij: He started acting strangely, like talking to the sword at times.
Kon: Are you saying his objective isn't slaying men, but the swords?
Kon: Sure you're not overthinking this?
Hij: I sure hope so.
Hij: But I've been put through hell by a sword, too.
Kon: That reminds me. I saw Sogo talking to his sword recently, too.
Kon: He might suddenly become a serial k*ller too, or something!
Oki: Oh, Hijikata-san.
Oki: Sorry, but I'm borrowing your room to take this guy apart.
Hij: Huh? What was that just now?
Kon: What did he mean, take apart? What was that we just saw?
Hij: Wait, Sogo!
Hij: No! Please no!
Kon: What are you doing in my room?
Hij: Finally got it out.
Oki: This won't do, boss.
Kus: You gotta be more gentle with elders.
Oki: Man, that was one hell of a surprise.
Oki: I didn't expect someone other than me to own an excalibur.
Oki: That's the boss. A real connoisseur.
Shin: Gin-san, you can finally kiss goodbye to playing scabbard.
Kus: Thank ya so much for lending me yer filthy ass.
Tet: No problem. We're glad this filthy ass was of use.
Kag: Yeah. If you don't mind that filthy ass, come hang out again.
Oki: Er, I'm not sure I follow.
Oki: Are we bidding farewell to the boss's ass?
Tet: The thing is, the scabbard holding your sword
Tet: is apparently Kusanagi-san's long separated wife.
Tet: So if possible, we'd like to send him back to his original home.
Kus: Scabberina, you've been silent all this while.
Kus: You must be mad, right?
Kus: I'm truly sorry!
Kus: I caused ya so much pain 'cause I was so weak!
Kus: But it's all right now.
Kus: I swear ta protect ya.
Kus: I'll never let ya go again.
Kus: Could we make a fresh start as one sword again?
Sca: Who're you, anyway?
Sca: Could somebody tell me what's going on?
Sca: Did he just propose to me out of the blue? That's messed up!
Sca: Who's this old fart? I'm scared, So-kun!
Shin: Huh?
Kus: What're ya talkin' about, Scabberina? It's me, Kusanagi!
Kus: Did ya have ta wait so long that ya forgot about me?
Kag: Hey, Member Kusanagi. Did you get the wrong Scabberina?
Kus: Nah! I'd never mistake her!
Kus: Right, Scabberina?
Oki: Uh...
Oki: Maybe you shouldn't dredge up the past after so long.
Oki: Everyone has memories they don't want to remember.
Kus: Wh-What's that supposed ta mean?
Oki: It means time has passed.
Oki: She's living a new chapter in her life now.
Oki: With me. Right, Scarlett?
Sca: Stop it, So-kun! People are watching!
Kus: Who're you callin' Scarlett?!
Oki: She's happy as she is now, so what're you doing here?
Oki: Take the hint, honestly.
Shin: This is starting to sound like a fight between ex- and current boyfriends.
Sca: Yeah, yeah!
Sca: So-kun is my savior.
Sca: Put on sale in a New York slum, I waited forever for a buyer.
Sca: Nobody gave me a second glance, but he bought me.
Shin: New York? You were on sale in New York?!
Sca: A worn-out scabbard, and his big, hefty sword.
Sca: I knew he was out of my league.
Sca: I knew it was just a game. That he wouldn't get serious.
Shin: What is this, Pretty Woman?
Sca: But he's always serious when playing around
Sca: and always plays around when he's serious.
Sca: That innocence of his gradually thawed my frozen heart...
Shin: Forget playing around, he basically used and threw you from the start!
Sca: Dunno who you are, but could you not get in our way?
Sca: We're plenty happy right now.
Kus: S-Scabberina...
Oki: I don't know how it was in the past,
Oki: but Scarlett is now crazy for my fat Kikuichimonji RX- all the way inside.
Sca: Stop it, So-kun!
Sca: This is too embarrassing!
Kus: Scabberina! This can't be!
Kus: I won't accept this!
Shin: Kusanagi-san!
Gin: Why'd you come back here?!
Shin: Kusanagi-san...
Kag: Oh, no. He's closed himself off.
Gin: My butthole is what's been closed off!
Gin: It's gone all the way inside!
Oki: Well, there you have it.
Oki: Sorry, boss, but could you get that blunt ass outta here already?
Shin: Gin-san?!
Shin: And what were you guys doing? Eavesdropping?!
All: Aw...
Oki: What's the meaning of this, boss?
Gin: You've gotta be kidding me.
Gin: I'm not leaving with a lid on my ass.
Gin: I'm constipated enough as it is.
Oki: Shall I slice open your belly and drag your guts out for you?
Kon: Stop it, Sogo!
Shin: You too, Gin-san!
Gin: You guys stay out of this! This runt is mine!
Gin: It's only right to settle a dispute over swords with swords, yeah?
Gin: A superior scabbard deserves a superior sword.
Gin: Isn't that right, Sogo-kun?
Oki: You mean...
Gin: My sword and yours...
Gin: Let's have a real sword fight to see which deserves that scabbard more.
Bo: Real sword fight?!
Oki: Amusing. This is a chance I thought I'd never have.
Kon: Stop it!
Kon: If you two sadists clash,
Kon: your sadism will repel and you-know-what...
Kon: I'm a masochist!
Hij: Don't take the bait, Sogo. The Shinsengumi Code bans personal clashes.
Gin: Oh, really? Personal clashes aren't allowed?
Gin: That's weird. I remember having very personal clashes with a pair of morons before.
Gin: Oh, I see. Those were more like "flashes," weren't they?
Gin: Those two were defeated before I could even do anything,
Gin: so they were clashes that were over in a flash, huh?
Kon: The duel will take place tomorrow!
Kon: It'll be held in the World Clash Tournament venue!
Odd_Jobs_Ace_Sak,Sign: Odd Jobs Ace Sakata Gintoki vs. Shinsengumi Ace Okita Sogo{\fs}Deathmatch
Hij: Have your neck washed and ready to be chopped off!
Kag: Shaddup! He's not gonna wash his neck!
Kag: He'll wash every part of his body but his neck with sponge gourd!
Shin: Hey, what happened to the Shinsengumi Code?!
Smithy,Sign: Smithy
Shin: What's wrong with you, Gin-san?
Shin: Why'd you challenge him to that battle?
Gin: It's not a battle. It's a buttle.
Gin: You wouldn't understand how it feels to have a sword stuck in your ass /.
Shin: I get wanting to be freed of the sword, but you're up against Okita-san,
Shin: the genius swordsman said to be the strongest man in the Shinsengumi.
Shin: And he's a super sadist to boot.
Shin: He was one misstep away from being a serial k*ller.
Shin: He's a trashy scumbag whose good looks are all he has.
Gin: Shinpachi, what do you have against him?
Kag: Shaddup! My ace ain't gonna lose to that runt!
Kag: This guy was one misstep away from being a NEET scumbag, too!
Shin: Uh, that's not missing any steps. It's Gin-san as we know him now.
Gin: What's that supposed to mean, Shinpachi?
Kag: Have more faith! Everybody is one misstep away from being a NEET!
Shin: Like hell!
Tet: Can I ask you something?
Tet: You'll both use real swords in the buttle tomorrow, right?
Tet: How are you going to fight with that?
Tet: One, two...
Gin: Ow, ow, ow!
Gin: Wait, time out! I can't... I can't!
Gin: I'll become Shiina Kippei! I'll end up like Shiina Kippei in Outrage!
Kag: Pull it out or stop? Make up your damn mind, you stupid Duncan!
Gin: They all look like villains! They all look like Takeshi!
Kag: Raise the horsepower, dammit, you stupid bean!
Gin: Wait, dammit, you stupid Gidayu...
Kag: All right, keep jogging toward tomorrow!
Kag: Eastward ho, dammit, you stupid Comaneci!
Gin: You're getting your priorities mixed up!
Gin: Enough! How long are you gonna stay holed up in there?
Gin: Just get out already!
Kus: No! There's no way a blunt sword like me could ever win!
Kus: I'm so blunt, I can't even rend my long-severed marriage or my regrets...
Kus: I'm just a corn potage Tasty Stick!
Gin: Don't casually try to be the yummy one, you stupid natto flavor!
Tet: Have more faith in yourself, Kusanagi.
Tet: The most important thing in a sword isn't its cutting edge!
Tet: It's the core that runs through its blade!
Tet: People and swords are the same.
Tet: Even if they run into brick walls, as long as their cores stay intact,
Tet: they can be beaten back into shape over and over!
Tet: Your love for your scabbard is the mark of a great sword.
Tet: Leave the rest to a smithy.
Kus: Tetsuko-han... Will you b*at me back inta shape?
Tet: Don't worry. I promise to turn you into the most splendid sword.
Tet: I won't let anybody call you a dull ass anymore.
Kus: I'm countin' on ya, Tetsuko-han!
Tet: Sure! Here I go!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Title: The Super Sadist and the Super Sadist
Oki: Next time: "The Super Sadist..."
Gin: "...and the Super Sadist."
Side Bar Top Yellow,TextR: Huh? Another multi-episode arc?
TextL: Yep. Another multi-episode arc.
TextR: But after doing arcs that lasted entire cours,
TextL: we can stick by our g*ns and still call this a collection of short stories.