Chris:
Last time on "total drama":
The final four
Took a simple foot race
To stanky new heights.
(Laughs)
Naaaaaasty.
With jasmine and shawn
Show-mancing it up,
Sky was forced to partner
With her cabbage-eating
Nemesis, sugar,
Which was actually
A very good idea -
Until it became
A very bad idea.
In the end,
Jasmine was the last
To reach for the top,
And the next to take
The dreaded hop
Into the giant
Pea sh**t of shame.
It's four no more!
We're down to these three,
And soon, one more of them
Will blast free!
So who's going to be
In your final two?
I wanna know,
Don't you?
Let's do!
Here on
"Total drama island pahkitew!"
♪♪♪
♪ I wanna be...
I wanna be... ♪
♪ I wanna be famous! ♪
♪ I wanna be...
I wanna be... ♪
♪ I wanna be famous! ♪
(Whistling chorus)
(Birds chirp)
(Floorboard creaks)
Aggghhhhh!
Huh.
Must've been a nightmare.
(Thumping)
(Laughs)
I wasn't really gonna hit her...
On camera.
Finale, here I come!
Shawn's fit and smart-ish,
But if it comes down
To a foot race or a math test,
I think I can take him.
And sugar's no match at all!
Although she did make it all
The way to the final three...
Underestimating her again
Would be a big mistake.
If I'm not careful,
She'll cheat and lie her way
To the million!
(Determined)
No more mr. Nice guy.
Uh... I mean girl.
Shawn:
(Yawns)
(Sighs forlornly)
Jasmine...
Was I happy to see jasmine
Get sh*t out of a cannon?
Of course not.
Was I relieved?
Well, a little.
If we'd made it
To the finale together,
She thought
We'd split the winnings.
But now I can get the girl
And my zombie-proof bunker!
Check it out!
Entrance chamber
With eye-scan entry
And remote lasers here,
Here and here...
And here and here.
And here.
Master bedroom with
Bite-proof bedspread
And weaponized pillows.
And just in case,
This is the panic room.
And this is the panic room
Inside the panic room.
Can't be too careful!
Chris: (over loudspeakers)
Attention, punching bags,
It's that time again.
Final three
To the meeting area, pronto!
Oh! Hey there!
How'd you sleep?
Hope you didn't have
Any nightmares,
Wink!
(Winks broadly)
(Gasps)
I slept fine!
Sorry if you didn't.
Don't worry,
You'll sleep better tonight...
When you're home.
You know, home?
Where you're headed?
After you lose
This challenge?!
Sugar:
(Laughs)
Oh, silly,
I never lose when it counts!
You'll never b*at me
'Cause you're too... Nice!
Sky:
Whoa! Ow!
(Bushes rustle)
Two girls filled with
Boiling hatred for each other -
It's really starting
To feel like a pageant now!
And there's only two emotions
At a pageant:
Winning and revenge.
Okay - ow! -
Maybe I need to work on
My no more mr. Nice girl.
Chris:
Children of competition,
Your toughest challenge yet
Will be in three parts,
Head to head to head.
Head to head? Ha!
Just call me the winner now.
(Knocking)
My noggin's bigger and solid-er
Than everyone else's combined.
Head to head doesn't mean
That you-
Doctors say my skull's
So thick,
Some of my brain's
Squashed down into my neck!
Sky:
Now that I believe.
Sugar:
Well, yeah,
'Cause it's true.
Sky may be the most likely
To survive to the finale,
But sugar's the most likely
To survive
The zombie apocalypse.
Her brain's in her neck!
Zombies never go for the neck!
Chris:
This will be
A three-part challenge.
Each player gets to create
One of those parts.
Sky:
I get to create
My own challenge?!
Chris:
You all do,
Within reason.
Winner of each challenge
Gets points;
Second place gets ,
And last place gets .
After all challenges,
The player with
The lowest total points
Gets to see the inside
Of a cannon, briefly.
The two highest scores
Get to battle it out
In the finale
For one million dollars!
(Money flutters)
Chris:
Whoa! Careless!
Get that money back
Into the case pronto
Or you're fired.
You have one minute
To write down
The details of your challenge.
Once we get to my challenge,
No way is anyone gonna b*at me!
It's not so much
About my skills,
It's more about
Their weaknesses...
...and they both have so many
Weaknesses to choose from.
We begin our final three
Showdown
With the challenge
Created by... Sky!
Sky:
Yeah! Wooo wooo!
In any competition,
It's best to strike first.
It breaks
Your opponents' spirit.
Although it's not sugar's
Spirit I wanna break!
Hold up.
Why is sky's challenge first?!
Sugar:
Chris:
Easy, tiger.
The order was randomly selected
With the help of the interns.
Okay, here goes!
(Metallic slice,
Intern screams)
(Hard thump,
Whistles nonchalantly)
Chris:
And sky's challenge is...
A metre hurdles race.
Sugar: (gulps)
Shawn: yeah!
Back home,
Hurdles are part of my daily
Zombie-evasion training regime.
I like to pretend each hurdle
Is a zombie
Reaching up to att*ck me.
Works like a charm!
I came second in
The provincial hurdles event.
And the girl that came in first
Isn't here.
Now, hurdles, while exciting...
(Yawns)
Chris:
Didn't seem in keeping
With the spirit of the show,
So I was forced to add
Some little, y'know, extras.
Shawn, sky and sugar:
(Groan)
Chris:
Ya might wanna be careful
Out there.
Anyhoo... On your marks!
Get set!
Aaaand... Go!
(Air horn blasts)
Shawn:
Ungh!
Sky: ha!
Shawn: no!
Agghhh! Fire ants!
Sugar:
(Panting) got one!
Sky:
Ungh!
Ha! Oh!
(High-pitched squeal)
Shawn:
Chris:
Turtle hurdle:
Punny and painful!
(Laughing)
(Groans in pain)
Sugar:
(Laughing triumphantly)
Yeah!
Sky:
Whoa... Ungh!
Sugar:
Yay! Woo!
(Gasps)
Free sweet goo!
Chris:
Sugar takes the lead!
And she's amassing quite
The collection of hurdles,
I might add.
Sugar:
Mm! Gooey num-num!
Sky: (grunts with effort)
Shawn: ungh! See ya!
Sky:
Oh no you don't!
Sugar: (shrieking excitedly)
Shawn: (grunts of effort)
It always comes down
To what you got left
In the t*nk.
Sky:
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Shawn:
Aw yeah! (Laughing)
Sugar: yeah!
Chris: sky wins!
Three points for her,
Two for shawn
In second place,
And sugar gets point
For effort.
Oh, your math's all wrong,
Chris.
I get the most points
'Cause I collected
The most hurdles!
Yeah, but...
It wasn't a scavenger hunt,
So... Nobody cares.
Oh, boo!
Chris:
The next challenge
Comes straight
From the twisted,
Uneaten brain of shawn!
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Chris:
A scavenger hunt for classified
Government documents
Confirming the existence
Of a zombie virus.
But... You're not doing that.
Yeah! 'Cause the government
Doesn't own a shredder.
Give your head a shake, dude.
This conspiracy goes so far-
Instead, you'll be doing
Shawn's second choice.
Choice number two
Is still good!
Chris:
There's the starting line,
And there's the finish -
You just have to race
From one to the other...
Without touching
The ground.
(Gasps)
Jetpacks! Yes!
Chris:
Jetpacks, no.
You have to climb and travel
From tree to tree.
Touch the ground before you
Reach the finish line
And you have to start all over.
The good news is
I didn't add any extra danger
To this challenge.
Sky: (hopeful)
That is good news!
Chris:
Because it's already
Fully stocked!
(Laughs)
Zombies aren't great
At climbing trees,
And forget jumping
From one tree to another,
No way can they do that,
Which is why I can!
Time to shine!
Shawn picked
A tree-hop challenge,
So for sure he's good at it.
I'll just follow him,
Then jump ahead
At the finish line.
If sugar loses this one,
Mathematically,
I'm in the finale
And she's in the cannon.
Chris:
Ready, set... Go!
(Air horn blasts)
Shawn and sky:
(Grunts of effort)
Impressive maneuvers
From shawn and sky.
Shawn and sky:
(Grunts of effort)
Chris:
Uh, sugar?
The finish line
Isn't so much up as it across.
Pfft! Hush it, chris.
I know what I'm doing!
(Grunts with effort)
I don't know anything
About trees,
But my granny says,
"In battle,
You should always take
Higher ground."
Who knows, maybe there's
A bridge up there,
Or a bus stop.
If you've never been
To the top of a tree
You can't say there ain't!
Shawn:
(Gulps) this looks
Too far to jump.
Sky: (grunts)
Shawn: aw, crud!
Sky:
Ready to lose again?
Shawn:
Sorry, can't hear you!
You're too far behind me!
Ungh! Woo!
Aggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ungh! Phew!
Enjoy your loser sandwich!
(Laughs)
(Monkey gibbers)
Shawn:
Hey there, fella,
What you up to?
(Chainsaw buzzes)
Oh.
You spend your whole life
Preparing for zombies,
Then a monkey with a saw throws
All that work out the window!
Whoa! No-no!
Please stop!
Pretty please
With bananas on top?!
Chris:
Will shawn survive
His encounter
With monkey mcsawpants?
(Shawn screams)
Or are we hurtling towards
An all girl finale?
Find out after the break
(Shawn screams)
On total drama:
Pahkitew island!
Shawn:
Please! I'll give you
Whatever you want!
Just don't-
Agggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ow! Oof! Ooh!
Shawn:
Ooh, that was close.
Sky:
Have a nice fall?
Just stay put
While I go win this!
Ha! He just sawed away
The only branch
You could possibly reach!
You do know what
Gymnastics are, right?
Shawn:
Aw, man!
(Whipping through air)
(Monkey shrieks)
Sky:
Ha!
Monkey: (shrieking)
Shawn: aaggghhh! Oof!
Shawn:
Ow... Uh oh.
Aggghhhhhhh!
Chris:
Ouch! Shawn has to restart
The challenge he created.
(Laughs)
Shawn:
Ow! Ow! Not the brains!
Not the brains!
(Fizzling and sparking)
Sky:
Hey, shawn! Thanks in advance
For the great challenge!
(Furious growl)
Hey! Where's sugar?!
Sugar:
(Grunting with effort)
Whew! Finally!
No bridge, no bus stop,
No nothing!
What a rip!
Oh. Uh-oh.
Sugar:
Hey, um, chris?
Help me!
(Screams in terror)
Chris:
Help you?
(Sighs)
It's like she doesn't even
Know me.
Sugar:
Whoa! Whoooaaa!
I can't hold on
Much longer!
Chris:
Sounds like shawn
May not be the only one
Who has to start over.
Shawn:
Ha! Sweet!
Sugar:
If I don't make it...
Tell my granny...
This is her fault!
Aggghhhhhh...
Aggghhhhhh...
Sky:
Agh! Whoa! Aggghhhhhhhh!
Sugar and sky:
Ungh!
Sky: (groaning)
Sugar: ow... My neck-brain!
Chris:
Sugar wins!
Didn't see that coming.
Woo-hoo! Granny was right!
I love you, tree!
Chris:
It isn't over yet!
Second place is still up
For grabs!
Do I really have
To start over?
'Fraid so.
Shawn:
Yup, but I wouldn't bother.
Woo! Woo-hoo!
Nailed it!
Chris:
And shawn takes second place!
(Groans)
Chris:
Well-ity, well, well.
Sky and sugar have both won
And lost a challenge,
And shawn's come in second
Twice.
That's four points each.
We got a three-way tie!
It all comes down
To one final challenge:
Sugar's.
Sugar:
Boom! It's a talent show
And you both forgot
To bring some!
You're gonna get sugared bad!
Chris:
You have two minutes
To prepare.
Best o' luck!
Who needs luck
When you've got all this?
Is zombie apocalypse survival
A talent?
No? (Gulps)
A talent contest?!
Ugh!
The only "talent" I have
Is kind of gross.
But what choice
Do I have?!
The talent contest
Will be judged by me,
Chris:
This intern -
Uh, assuming the cash
Is finally back in the case
Properly...
Very good.
And our final judge is
The newly rebuilt and upgraded
Scuba bear . !
Now with % more hostility.
(Scuba bear growls menacingly)
(Laughs)
Dude, perfect timing!
We need a new intern!
Anyhoo,
Like I was saying,
Finalists will perform
In the same order
As their challenges:
First, sky,
Then shawn,
Then sugar.
Sugar:
Saving the best for last?!
Smooth move, hosty.
Showtime!
Chef:
♪ Come close and listen hard ♪
♪ It's talent time
For one and all ♪
♪ Will they sing or dance
Or what? ♪
♪ Make it good
Or you're a cannonbaaaall! ♪
Chris:
I hope no one else
Is gonna sing
'Cause that will be hard
To top!
"There's a new sheriff
In town...
And here she is!"
Howdy!
I'm... I'm the new sheriff.
Chris:
Yes, we already know that!
Sky:
Right.
And, um, I'm the best belcher
You've ever seen.
Pfft! Belching ain't a talent,
It's a way of life!
Chris:
Cram it, peanut gallery.
Sky:
If you obey the law
You're fine,
But if you're bad,
The belching sheriff
Will belch you down!
Sky: (loud belch)
Chris: (gasps)
It's not that weird.
All my olympic training
Makes my abs and diaphragm
Ridiculously strong.
When I really load up
On carbonated water,
I can burp out a campfire!
(Chugs drink and belches)
(Chugs drink,
Belches loudly)
Chris:
Whoa! Cool!
Thanks, partner!
Um... Yeah. Wow!
That. Was. Terrible!
(Laughs)
Chris:
Bravo! Let's see
The judges' scores!
Sky:
Six point five?
Chris:
The bad guy costumes
Were cliche.
Black hats?
Yawn.
Total score:
Twenty-four point five
Outta thirty.
Not too shabby!
Sky:
Booyah!
Sugar:
You better hope shawn tanks.
Otherwise you're going
Blam-bye!
Guess what?
Same to you!
Chef:
Well, wasn't that...something?!
(Approaching footsteps)
Chef:
Shawn.
Shawn:
Hi. So I will be performing
An armpit serenade.
Chris:
Excuse me?
Shawn:
Well, you know...
When you perform
A classical serenade...
With your armpits?
(Armpit farts)
Disgusting!
Proceed.
(Inhales deeply and exhales)
(Armpit serenades to rossini's
"The barber of seville")
Chris: (quietly)
I've heard of guitar face,
But armpit-fart face?
Impressive.
♪♪♪
Shawn:
Woo! Aggghhhhh!
Sugar:
(Laughing) he's as toasted
As a corn nut!
Chris: (whimpers and sniffles)
Sugar: (gasps)
(Applauding)
You're clapping
'Cause you hate it, right?
Sugar:
Chris:
Judges, your scores?
Chris:
Shawn takes the lead
With points.
Shawn:
Yeah!
Chris:
So, even if sugar gets
A higher score,
Shawn's guaranteed himself
A spot in the finale!
Shawn:
Yes! (Armpit farts)
Sugar:
You might wanna pack
Your things.
Going to the finale!
Woo-hoo!
That's the first time
I ever tried that armpit thing.
Well, in public.
Sweet!
I can't lie,
I'm worried.
Talent shows are sugar's thing.
Probably her only thing,
But her thing!
I wish mama were here.
Before every pageant,
She always gives me
The same awesome pep talk.
"We didn't drive
Two days straight
For you to spend
All your time
Playing with the fancy
Flush toilets!
Now get your dress on!"
This is my thing,
And you can count on that!
I gotta read all of this?!
Sugar:
(Whisper-hissing)
Like you mean it!
And smile!
"She's a genuine angel
Who's come to earth
To shave us-"
Sugar:
(Whisper-hissing)
Save us!
Chef:
"Uh, to save us
From our boring,
Un-glitzy lives with her-"
Chris:
Skip the intro!
Sugar:
Fine! Never mind!
Dear fans!
You know me as sugar,
But my farmies on the farm
Call me...
Sugar silo,
The only artist to ever combine
Rap and country -
I call it craptry!
(Snaps fingers)
(Harp music plays)
(Record scratches)
Sugar: (rapping)
♪ Sugar silo,
I'm wicked sweet ♪
♪ I tap it when I rap it
With a tasty b*at (slurp) ♪
♪ Flowin' like milk
From a jersey cow ♪
♪ I'm the queen of craptry
You all should bow ♪
♪ Sugar hollaaaah... ♪
♪ Sugar silo,
Go doh-si-doh ♪
♪ Sugar silo
Here to win the dough ♪
♪ Sugar hollaaaah... ♪
(Glass shatter)
(Fur explodes,
Sharks groan)
♪ Like a talkin' horse
The truth I speak ♪
♪ I'll take out miss olympic
And the zombie freak ♪
♪ Am I trippin'?
No way this be for real ♪
♪ I'm gonna win this
Million dollar deal! ♪
♪ Sugar hollaaaaaaaaaaaa... ♪
(Water glasses shatter,
Head explodes and fizzles)
Sugar:
...aaaaaahhhh!
That's how it's done!
Wow! I don't know
What to say.
Oh wait,
Yes, I do.
(Sobbing)
Chris:
That was horrible!
Any final words?
Sugar:
I personally believe
Competitions shouldn't be
Based on points,
But, instead,
On your general awesomeness.
Which means I should not
Be in this cannon!
(Boom)
I'm comin', wizard!
Next stop,
The super big awesome
And deadly finale!
Who's about to become
One million dollars richer?
Will it be shawn?
Or will it be sky?
Find out next time
On the season finale of...
"Total drama:
Pahkitew island!"
Chris:
On the next "total drama":
It's finale time
And someone is going home rich.
Probably sky...
Probably shawn...
Well, it might not be sky.
Meh, it might not be shawn.
Either way,
There's gonna pain, pain, pain!
Don't even pretend
You aren't tuning in.
It's the grand finale of...
"Total drama: pahkitew island!"
05x25 - Pahk’d With Talent
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.