12x14 - Video k*lled the Gene-io Star

[bunniefuu]

- (school bell ringing)
- Ooh. Locker mail.

"Recess. Playground. Slide. Be there!"

I don't know who wrote this,

but a "please" wouldn't have k*lled 'em.

Hey, Tina. This is from you?

You could have just
told me to meet you here.

Or we could have talked at
home, where we both live.

No, I got a note, too.

Aw, if we knew we were both getting one,

we could have walked here
together, caught up on the day.

Yeah, that's a shame.
So who wrote these?

I don't know. Mom?

- Hey, guys.
- BOTH: Aah!

I got a note, too.
Mine says, "Hi, Louise. Hi, Tina.

I'm the one who wrote the notes!"

(chuckling): Isn't that fun?

- A little.
- Not really.

So, you were just waiting in the slide

- for... how long?
- Only, like, minutes.

But it has great acoustics for singing.

♪ Locker love! ♪

- Nice.
- What do you want, Courtney?

We're wasting precious recess time.

Okay. You know my amazing
hit song "Locker Love"?

- No.
- Nope.

Well, I'm making a music video for it
tomorrow here at Wagstaff.

My dad got permission for us to sh**t it

in the hallways with the lockers.

He promised a special thanks
to the school in the credits.

And trust me... it's gonna
put Wagstaff on the map,

because this baby is
definitely going viral!

But I need Gene to be in it!

Okay, um, maybe ask Gene?

- We're Louise and Tina.
- I did ask him. A lot.

He always has a different excuse.

I'm, uh, getting my wisdom
teeth put back in that day.

Ooh, um, sorry, that's
carrot-peeling day.

It's a religious thing.

I'm, uh, washing the dog that day.

That's what I call my bottom half.

Why not just get someone else to do it?

It has to be Gene.

Also, I need him to sing
the last line of the song.

No one can harmonize
with me the way he can.

(slurps) We're like Simon and Garfield.
So you guys are gonna help me

- get Gene to say yes.
- But, Courtney,

why would we ever talk our sweet brother

into doing something
he doesn't want to do?

- Cram Jammers?
- TINA: Whoa.

That's right. And Fudge Flings.

And Cinnamony Crickets.

The holy trinity of candies.

We've got cases of it for the
snack table at my video sh**t.

All you have to do is agree
to help out on the crew

and do some backup dancing,

and then Gene will want
to do the video, too!

Yes, we will ask Gene.

- A thousand times yes.
- (exclaiming)

You get Gene to do my video,

you spend all Saturday
swimming in sugar.

It's hard to argue with
someone making perfect sense.

- Oh, I want all of those in my mouth.
- Great.

You work on Gene and I'll catch
up with you after school. (slurps)

I can't believe you just sold
your brother out for candy, Tina.

- You'd do the same to us.
- True.

LINDA: Here you go!

Burger of the day with fries.

Time fries when you're
having fun, am I right? Ha!

Just kidding. Can I
get you anything else?

- No, thank you.
- Okay, then.

I'll be right over here
if anything comes up.

- Well, he's a chatty Charles.
- Who?

- Shh! The stiff in the suit.
- Got it.

- What's his problem?
- Right?

Mr. Suit and Briefcase
thinks he's too good

to talk to a burger
lady with amazing banter.

I mean, your banter is... fine.

Plus, who wears a suit
and brings a briefcase

to a lunch by themselves?

Um, businesspeople?

♪ ♪

What was that? He thinks I'm
gonna steal his briefcase?

No one wants your briefcase, buddy.

Yeah. No one wants your briefcase.

Okay. Uh, I'm gonna
go back to the kitchen.

You two should maybe
stop staring at that guy.

We're not being obvious.

So, yeah, I thought of a new way

of laying on the couch
while eating chips.

I was gonna test that out.

What are you doing this weekend?

I'm gonna help Courtney
with her music video.

Ah, you got roped into that, huh?

She's gonna have a snack table
full of really good candy,

so yeah. I'm not an idiot.

Oh, hey, are you guys talking
about Courtney's music video?

Yeah, we're doing that, too.

- You are?
- It's gonna be fun.

You should do it with us.

- Pass.
- Why?

Yeah. What, do you hate candy?

It's not just candy
you'll miss out on, Gene.

You'll be stuck at the restaurant

while me, Tina and Peter here

are gonna be having
the time of our lives.

Bonding, making inside jokes...

For example, banana!

Ha! I'll get it.

Yeah, no, thanks. I better get to class.

Otherwise that long division
is just gonna get longer.

- What the hell?
- Yeah, he doesn't care

about missing out on
candy or inside jokes?

- Who is he?
- I'll tell you who he's not.

He's not gonna be the
guy who gets between me

- and those Cram Jammers.
- Hell no.

- (bell tinkles)
- Bye!

Thanks for coming in!

Ha! Mr. Personality
forgot his briefcase.

- He did?
- He's gonna have to talk to me now.

(bell tinkles)

Huh. He's gone.

- (door closes)
- The guy comes in here, eats,

barely says two words,
leaves his briefcase

and, poof, nowhere to be seen.

Yeah, it doesn't add up.

He probably forgot his briefcase
because he was distracted.

By the two totally not creepy people

- who kept staring at him.
- No, that's not it.

Let-let me see the briefcase.

There's a phone number on here.

I'll-I'll give him a call.

(chuckles) His name is Billy Bandana.

What kind of name is Billy Bandana?

Suspicious. Very suspicious.

Shh. It's ringing.

Hmm. It's a recording saying

the number is no longer in service.

Let me see that. Let's try and open it.

What? No. I really don't
think you should do that.

Ah, it's locked. The plot thickens.

Look, he'll eventually
realize he forgot it here

and then he'll come back to pick it up.

Come on, Bob. A mysterious
guy named Billy Bandana

comes in here and leaves a briefcase?

And you have no interest
in what's inside?

Yes. That is correct.

Who are you, Billy Bandana?

And what are you trying to tell us?

Oh, my God.

Okay, so bad news, Gene.

A lawyer delivered this
to me to give to you.

- What is it?
- Looks like a contract.

A legit one. "I hereby promise

to be in Courtney's music video."

And if you don't do it,
you have to pay $ , ?

And then there's your signature.

Ha! This is an obvious forgery.

I sign my name with a peace sign,

a yin-yang and four lightning bolts.

Come on, Gene. Just do the music video.

I told you, I don't want
anything to do with this song.

Why? What is wrong with you?

We're talking about all the best candy,

and we're talking about tons of it!

- What are we doing?
- Shh. We're huddling.

The reason I don't want
to help with the video

is the song stinks.

It's not even good bad.

It sounds like a million other songs.

- Or it's trying to.
- I still don't see

why this makes candy not taste good.

I can't be a part of it. I just can't.

And if I tell her any of this,

- it will hurt her feelings.
- COURTNEY: Gene!

Gene! Are you in a
huddle? Room for one more?

- (chuckles, panting)
- Sorry, Courtney, we just de-huddled.

It wasn't even that good. Trust me.

- Hey.
- So, does anyone have any news for me?

- Mm-mm.
- Mm.

Oh, Gene! I'm begging you.

Please be in my video tomorrow.

Please! Uh, okay, the
sidewalk is hurting my knees.

Tomorrow? Oh, I'm going
to Wyoming this weekend.

Apparently, there's a hole in Jackson.

I'm gonna see if I can help.

Okay. No Gene, no video.

I guess I'll cancel the sh**t.

I better go tell everyone
and return all the candy.

Gene, you are literally
taking candy from babies.

- These babies!
- Yeah!

Sorry I yelled. But yeah!

(groans loudly) Too much guilt!

I give up! Courtney!

- Hmm?
- I'll be in your video.

You will? Great!

See you all here tomorrow afternoon

- for the sh**t.
- (grumbles)

And at my house before that

for an early lunch/creative meeting.

We're ordering in sandwiches

from Grandpa Nini's Grand Paninis.

I'll have the turkey and
cheese! And tell Grandpa Nini

I want extra pepperoncini
and fried zucchini!

Well, Gene, I think it's nice
you're helping your friend.

Just be careful you don't steal the show

with that cute little tushy of yours.

I'll try not to.

And you two are helping
on this for what,

to get out of work?

- Nope. Candy.
- Yeah, candy.

Yeah, no, missing work.
Whew, gonna be rough.

I can't tell if Louise is serious,

but I'll actually miss being at work.

The smells. You guys.

The smell of you guys.

What's in you?

Just checking, we don't
normally bring stuff home

that people leave in
the restaurant, do we?

No, Tina, we don't.

But your mom is convinced that
something weird is going on

because the man who owns the briefcase

ate food quietly at our
restaurant and then he left.

His name is Billy Bandana.

His number's disconnected. It's weird.

It is kind of fun to imagine
what could be in there.

Human hands from all of his enemies

in the briefcase business world.

- Ooh.
- Or a bunch of business bandanas?

For a working man on the go.

Maybe. Whatever it is,
it's packed so tight,

- it doesn't make a sound.
- Like Dad's boobs

- in that one sweater.
- (groans softly)

- (doorbell rings)
- Hey, guys. Come on in.

Rupa, Julie and Peter
Pescadero are already here

getting their "Locker Love" on.

- Hey.
- Yeah, we are. - Hi!

- Gene! Buddy! You're here!
- Mm-hmm.

Why don't we duck into my studio

and record the last line of the song?

(sighs) Okay.

First, a quick warm-up.
Let's stretch out that voice.

♪ Open pit barbecue sauce. ♪

- Now you do it.
- No, thanks. I'm all warmed up.

Yeah, he barbecue
sauced all the way here.

- (groaning)
- Now go knock 'em dead, Gene,

while you're still saucy!

Okay, I've already
recorded a guide track,

so I'll just play it
back and you sing it

- exactly the way I did.
- Okay.

♪ This might be a shocker but
I can't resist her locker ♪

♪ Locker love. ♪

(flatly): ♪ This might be a shocker
but I can't resist her locker ♪

(off-key): ♪ Locker love. ♪

♪ Love, the note is
up here, try it. ♪

- ♪ Love. ♪
- (off-key): ♪ Love. ♪

- ♪ Love. ♪
- ♪ Love. ♪

You know what, I'll fix all
of this with computer magic.

Okay, but not too much
computer magic though,

because then it sounds, you know...

Yeah. Computer magic is great.

Okay, let's just do
this one word at a time.

- ♪ This. ♪ You do it.
- (off-key): ♪ This. ♪

- ♪ This. ♪
- ♪ This... ♪

Is k*lling me.

- Hi, Teddy.
- I had a great idea.

I got this old briefcase
from the thrift store.

- (groans) Why?
- I filled it with printer paper,

six pens, a calculator,

a bunch of paper clips, a granola bar

and a couple of floppy disks.

Just basic business stuff.

- Mm.
- All right. Okay.

So I was thinking we lift this briefcase

and Billy Bandana's briefcase
and see if they feel the same.

Ooh, that's so smart!

- It-It's not.
- It is, Bob.

Now, where's his briefcase?

And here you go.

Wow. They definitely feel different.

- (gasps) They do!
- I knew it.

It's not normal business stuff in there.

It's something else.
Something mysterious

- and maybe supernatural.
- Definitely.

Let me feel. I mean,
isn't it more likely

he just has a different
amount of business stuff

in his briefcase? Because this
is the least scientific test

that anyone's ever done
in history. No offense.

If this was a movie, you'd
get k*lled first, Bob.

- W-Wait, what?
- Yeah. Skeptical guy.

For your own good, you should hang back.

Okay, so we narrowed it down
to something supernatural.

Or, like Louise said,
a bunch of human hands.

Ooh, human hands. That makes sense.

Or... what we're all
thinkin'... plutonium.

Right. I wish I hadn't
sold my Geiger counter.

- We got to open it!
- No.

We need to know if
there's plutonium in here!

- There-There's no plutonium.
- Now that you say it,

it really does feel like human hands.

But there's no blood.
Maybe they're in baggies?

No, no, no. (groans)

(sighs) You're gone.

Gene! Good, you're all finished.

I think we finally landed on
some outfits for the video.

This is mine.

- (scoffs) It's amazing.
- (gasps) It's gorgeous.

- And that's yours.
- The same old thing every

hot boy wears in every video.

Great. Hey, what if I'm, like, a pirate?

A locker pirate? Or a nice old nanny

who's trying to Mrs. Doubtfire you?

Gene, you're being silly.

(chuckles): Gene! Buddy!

Candy!

Fine. It's great. The
costumes are great.

Yay! Come on, Gene. I'll walk
you through the storyboard.

You know how to do
flavor fingers, right?

You mean the dance
that everyone has done

in every music video
for the last five years?

- Yes!
- Does not get old.

Okay, so in the beginning, we start out

with some flavor fingers
and then I blow you a kiss.

- (slurps, spits)
- Aah!

Maybe blow it, don't blowhole it?

Oops, sorry. My retainer gathers saliva.

- I'll drain it before I blow the kiss.
- Great.

LINDA: All right, come on. Let's think.

What would a guy named Billy
Bandana pick for a combination?

Probably something
really cool, like .

Mm... Nope.

Damn you, Billy Bandana.

You guys really need to stop.

Oh, come on, Bob. What would you expect

if you left your
briefcase in a restaurant?

I would expect them to
put it in a safe place

and not mess with it.

If I locked it, I
locked it for a reason.

Well, what reason is that, Business Bob?

Yeah! What are you hiding, Business Bob?

Just, uh, an idea I have

that is going to revolutionize
the industry I work in.

All carefully typed
out on business paper.

What? Why are you keeping
it in your briefcase?

Keep that in a safe at the office.

Yeah, Bob. That's not responsible.

'Cause I was gonna
submit it to the board

at the next big meeting,
and I hope it's safe

at the restaurant I left it at!

(rhythmic grunting)

That's great, people.

I totally get why
everyone does this dance.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

- Okay, one more time.
- (grunting)

(quietly): You're doing great, Gene.

Yeah. Especially if you
don't look at your face.

I don't know if I can
take this much longer.

It's all so unoriginal.

Just hang in there. Once
we get to that sh**t,

we're in Candy City.

Also, I think Courtney
really needs this.

- And by "Courtney," I mean "me."
- COURTNEY: Ow. Ow.

- And by "this," I mean "candy."
- (grunting)

Aw, fine. I guess it
can't get any worse.

Okay! I finished mixing the song.

♪ This might be a shocker but
I can't resist her locker ♪

- ♪ Locker love. ♪
- Wow.

It sounds just like
every other song I love.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

- What'd you say, Gene?
- Nothing. I love it.

I know, right? I love it, too!

Okay, let's go sh**t a video!

- Yeah!
- (Gene whimpers)

Okay, here's the snack
table, in case anyone gets

a touch of the nibbles.

Oh, look at that. I guess
I could go for a snack.

I never even thought
about eating Fudge Flings

and Cinnamony Crickets in the same bite.

But since they're both here,
I might as well go for it.

So cute. You look like
that boy in that one thing.

And like that other
boy in that other thing.

(groans) These skinny
jeans are too skinny.

COURTNEY: Those aren't
skinny jeans, Gene.

- They're slimmy jimmy jeans.
- Aah!

That's a lot of makeup.

Only in real life. It'll
look normal on the screen.

- Right, Daddy?
- I promise, honey.

I've done this before. I
mean, I've written jingles

that were used in commercials
where actors wear makeup,

- so... same thing.
- See?

Well, I'm gonna grab a Fudge
Fling to keep my energy up.

No candy for us until
we're finished, Gene.

The sugar is bad for our voices.

But we're lip-synching.

- It can still affect our performance!
- Bah!

Okay, in this first shot,

Courtney, you look longingly at Gene,

and, Gene, you lean against the lockers

looking gorgeous and unattainable

and also like, "I'm cool."

Uh, like this?

- Cooler.
- Like... this?

- Cooler.
- This?

Whoa! Pull it back, Fonzie.

Just kidding. That's perfect.

Let's roll!

(toilet flushes)

Hey! There you are!

Everything go okay in there?

Yeah. I mean, as far as
things go, it was fine.

Can I, um, get by you?

Oh, am I in your way?

Yes. You are standing
in front of the door.

Oh. So I am. But, hey, uh,

don't you need to go cook or something?

It's Bob's Burgers, not
Bob Walks Through Doors,

right? (chuckles nervously)

Linda, why don't you
want me to go out there?

Uh, come on, let's make out. Kiss me.

-(grunting) Lick it like you like it.
-Stop it.

- Lick it like you like it.
- No. Get off.

- (babbling)
- (gasps) Teddy!

Oh! This is, uh, mine!

The one that I got at
the thrift store, rem...

I'm just fixing it up, making
sure that everything's good.

Yep. All good.

It says "Billy Bandana" on it.

Oh! Did I get them mixed
up? How embarrassing.

Come on, Bob. He's almost got it open.

And why were you so
fast in the bathroom?

You usually take so long.

- Sometimes I'm fast.
- Oh, really?

Why is this about me? Teddy, stop!
You're gonna mess it up.

I... might have messed it up.

- Wh-What?
- Well, you startled me

when you barged in, and I
may have damaged the hinge

- a little bit a lot.
- Teddy, no.

It's Linda's fault for
being a terrible lookout.

Don't blame me. Blame
Bobby Quick-Poops.

Damn it, Bobby Quick-Poops!

JULIE: Oh, my God. That is so cool.

- Yeah. It's so music video-y.
- (Gene groans)

It's like a Frankenstein
of every other video.

But less interesting than Frankenstein.

I can't take this anymore.

This is going great.
What do you think, Dad?

I think this video has to sneeze.

Because it's gonna go viral!

Yes! Okay! Everyone, let's
set up for the last shot!

Gene and I do the flavor
fingers and harmonize

while everyone flavor fingers behind us!

- Let's do this!
- (whoops) - All right!

(whoops) I am pumped! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ready for this, Gene?
You feeling it, buddy?

- Ow!
- Sorry. So much sugar.

Let's just do it fast.

That's the spirit, buddy!

(whooping loudly)

TEDDY: Eh, I'm having trouble

getting this one hinge back on, Bobby.

- Eh.
- Well, try harder, Teddy.

I must have stripped a screw.

You really shouldn't scare
people like that, you know?

(groans) We are
definitely gonna be known

as the restaurant that r*fles
through your belongings.

Or the restaurant where
they found all those hands.

(strained): Don't panic,
Bob. I just got to give this

a little push. (grunting)

- Ah. Uh-oh.
- BOB: Great.

(forced): Oh, no!

Well, we might as well take a
peek since the hinge fell off.

It didn't fall off. Teddy pried it off!

- Stop it, Lin!
- I can almost see.

What's in it? What's inside?

BOB: Stop pulling it
apart. You'll pop the lock

- off the front...
- Bob, shh!

We're in too deep!

What the...

Walnuts?

- Walnuts?
- Let me see.

There's got to be
something else in there.

Nope. Just one more walnut.

Huh. So it isn't a plutonium thing

or a hand k*ller thing.

Just a man who really enjoys his nuts.

Well, you were right, Bob.

Nothing dark or mysterious here.

Are you kidding? This is terrifying.

Who would carry a locked briefcase

with nothing in it but walnuts?

Maybe he's a walnut salesman
and these are his samples?

You ever think of that?

This guy is definitely a serial k*ller.

Eh, seems a little far-fetched, Bob.

It's just walnuts.

Teddy, quick, can you fix this?

I-I think I've got
some screws in my truck.

- I'll go look.
- (gasps)

- (door opens, bell tinkles)
- Linda, don't eat them.

What?

And... action.

♪ Does he know that it's flirtation ♪

♪ When I do my combination? ♪

♪ left, right ♪

(distorted): ♪ Gives my
heart safe palpitations ♪

♪ This goes against
everything you believe in ♪

♪ You'll be in this video forever ♪

♪ And it's really, really bad ♪

♪ This is what you'll
be remembered for ♪

♪ Not any good stuff ♪

♪ Just this song. ♪

- I can't do this!
- Cut! Sure,

you were a little out of
step, but it wasn't that bad.

It's finger flavor, step
and finger flavor, step,

not finger, step, flavor, step.

Not that! This!

- This is awful!
- What?

This song! This video! All of it!

(crying)

What the fudge, Gene?

Um... -minute crew break?

- Anyone up for some Cram Jammers?
- TINA and LOUISE: Me!

Courtney! Honey! Court-Court!

- So, that was a little...
- Really harsh.

It's just... I can't
believe how bad this all is.

I think everything's been amazing.

I feel like I could rip
the lockers off the wall!

But, I mean, Gene,
Courtney's your friend, right?

- Yeah.
- And doing this video

- makes her happy, right?
- Somehow.

Well, sometimes you do things
you might not really like

for people you do like
because they like it

and it makes them happy.

Yeah, like when Tina and I
play Fossil Friends with you.

What? You don't like burying
the bones after we have chicken

and then pretending
we're finding fossils?

- I mean, it's fine.
- It's a little nasty.

(sighs) I guess I see your point.

About Courtney, not the chicken bones.

We're still doing that.

I can't find Courtney anywhere.

- Let's all split up and look for her.
- On it!

You better hope we can find
her and finish this, Gene.

Or should I say "Mean Gene"?

Because you're mean.

I think I know where she is.

I got all the walnuts back in,

but I can't quite get it shut.

I think the duct tape was a bad idea.

Oh, my God! He's here! That's him!

- He's coming in!
- Put the briefcase back in the booth!

Oh, my God. He's gonna k*ll us.

Calm down, Bob. Act natural.

I'm just a guy enjoying a joke.

(laughing)

Welp, I got to go! Bye!

- What?!
- (laughs)

Never mind! I'll stay.

And everything's fine.
This is a restaurant.

Hi!

Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
Uh, wh-what can I get ya?

I don't know if you remember
me. I was in here yesterday,

and I think I may
have left my briefcase.

- Huh. Doesn't ring a bell.
- There it is.

Oh! That briefcase!

Uh, hey! Um, I tried calling the number,

uh, that was on the briefcase,

but it was no longer in service.

So, you know, no-no
reason to be upset with us.

It looks a little different.

(stammers) Does it?

Oh. Well, a-a bunch of
kids were in here earlier.

- Rowdy teens.
- Some of 'em were...

using curse words.

They were duct-taping everything.

Uh, looks like they got your briefcase.

You know teens and their duct tape.

- Ugh, God.
- Oh. Yeah.

They-they-they-they did
get a little on there.

- (chuckles) Yeah.
- (crunch)

- What was that?
- What was what?

That crackling noise.

Sounded like you stepped on a...

- A walnut?
- Maybe.

Um, I wouldn't know what
that would sound like.

Would... you?

No.

Okay, then. Yeah.

Wait, nobody has any more questions?

- (high-pitched): Nope.
- I'm good.

That was freaky.

Now we'll never know what's
going on with the walnuts.

I think that's for the best.

I feel like we were just
in the presence of death.

- Aw, Bob. Do you need a hug, sweetie?
- No.

Okay. Yeah. Maybe I do.

There, there. Everyone's safe now.

I could go for one of those.

Oh. Um, okay.

- (grunts)
- Oh.

Courtney? Courtney?

- COURTNEY: No.
- Come on, Courtney.

- Let me talk to you.
- How did you know I was here?

You always say this is
where you wish you lived

so that you'd always sound amazing.

Yes, the acoustics.

I think Dolly Parton records
all her songs in slides.

That's why she has an amusement park.

I guess it makes sense
that you'd know I'd be here,

because... we used
to be friends and all.

We are friends, Courtney.

And I'm sorry for what I said.

It's just... your song is not quite...

my cup of tea.

I like tea that doesn't, you know,

taste like everyone else's tea.

But you like tea that's, like,
the most number one-selling tea.

You're talking about tea
a lot. Are you thirsty?

A little. But what I should've realized

is you do like that kind of tea.

It makes you happy.

And I want you to be happy.

- And...
- Yeah?

What do you say we go
finish this mama-jama?

Thanks, Gene.

- Is my makeup streaking?
- No...

Maybe you should get a little
touch-up on the... face part.

♪ This might be a shocker but
I can't resist her locker ♪

♪ Locker love... ♪

(groans softly)

♪ Locker love... ♪

♪ Does he know that
it's flirtation ♪

♪ When I do my combination? ♪

♪ left, right ♪

♪ Gives my heart safe palpitations ♪

♪ When he's walking down the hall ♪

♪ And he looks like such a doll ♪

♪ I want that hair, want that face ♪

♪ Want it now, I want it all ♪

♪ This might be a shocker ♪

♪ But I can't resist her locker ♪

(harmonizing): ♪ Locker love ♪

GENE: Locker love!

♪ Locker love ♪

GENE: Locker love!

♪ Locker love. ♪