02x22 - Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

They're not supposed
to get credit.

(Eb)
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, eb, what's up?

[Inaudible]

Mr. Douglas, are you goin'
into drucker's store?

Well, I was...

Would you say that again?

[Inaudible]

I said, are you going
into drucker's store?

Eb, what's the matter
with you?

Your lips move
and then I hear your voice.

[Inaudible]

Oh, that.

Is that any better,
Mr. Douglas?

[Inaudible]

No.

Now I hear what you're saying
and then your lips move.

Oh.

[Inaudible]

How's that?
Am I synchronized?

Yeah, but how--

I don't know.

Must be somethin'
in the air around here.

Sometimes I have to bang
for half an hour

to get myself adjusted.

Then I talk all right,
but I get terrible headaches.

Yeah.

You didn't answer
my question.

What question?

[Inaudible]

Are you going into
drucker's... oops.

Are you going
into drucker's store?

Why?

I need a bottle of aspirin.

This is like living
in the twilight zone.

Oliver.
What?

Where are you going?

Into drucker's.

What for?
For one thing,
to get the mail.

What's the other thing?

I'm going in to pick up
some aspirin for eb.

And, uh, to get a present.

For whom?

It's a surprise.

Well, if you want
to know any sizes,

why don't you call me?

My number is hootersville 631.

Yes, I know your number.

I just can't remember
your name.

Oliver.

Ok, Oliver,
I'll call you
if I need you.

Here you are,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, uh--uh,
special delivery.

Yeah,
it came 3 days ago.

Why didn't you
send it out to my farm?

Oh, I couldn't find anybody
who was goin' out that way.

That's no reason
not to--

uh, who's it
from?

Haney, it's none
of your business.

Is the letter
addressed
to you, Sam?

No.

Then it's up
to Mr. Douglas

to tell me
it's none
of my business.

Well, it isn't.

That's all I wanted
to know. Thank you.

Ain't you
gonna open it?

Uh, yes--

Sam, ain't we
going to finish the game?

In a minute, Fred.

Anything else I can do
for you, Mr. Douglas?

Oh, yes, yes. I want to buy
an anniversary present.

Oh, uh, how long
you been married?

It's not
a wedding anniversary.

Uh, no, it's just
a year ago that, uh,
Mrs. Douglas and i--

paid off
your washing machine?

No.

I know.
It's the anniversary
of the day

that your mother-in-law
moved out.

No, no, it's, uh,

we're celebrating
our first year
here on the farm.

Has it been a year
since I let you talk me

into sellin' you
that beautiful

junior-executive
type estate?

Estate?

Ain't you gonna
open your letter?

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, what kind
of present

did you have in mind
for Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, I don't know, I...
Something nice.

Oh, well, then you're
wastin' your time in here.

Now if you'd just
step outside
to my truck.

I've got
the nicest
assortment--

just a minute,
haney.

Mr. Douglas came in here
to buy somethin'.

Well, you ain't got
nothing he likes.

Well, uh, you--
how do you know?

He hasn't seen
anything yet.

Well, if he don't see nothing
on my truck, you can have him.

Haney,
will you please--

will you stop
pulling me?

Yeah, let him
open his letter.

Oh, the letter.

Uh, uh, how about some
genuine French perfume

from France?

It's called Bonnie neweet.
That means "good night."

Oh, say, that's, uh--

yes, uh, i--I'd like
to look at that.

I'll-- I'll have to draw some
out of the barrel.

Don' t bother.

Now's your chance
to read your letter.

Oh.

Can I have
the stamp?

Uh, yes.
Yes, of course.

Hey, this letter
is from Washington, D.C.

What's that D.C. stand for?

Department
of congress.

I--i--i knew it had
something to do
with the government.

Here you are,
Mr. Douglas.

Direct from Paris.

$2.50 a gallon.

Plus a 10-cent deposit
on the jug.

I've got
the same thing
on my truck

for $1.95.

Mine comes
in a no-deposit,

no-return jug.

Haney, will you quit
comin' in here

and infringin'
on my sales?

Sam, I ain't
infringin'.

I'm just tryin'
to keep you out of jail.

Jail?

Yes, if I wasn't around
to compete with you,

you could be considered
a monopoly.

Ain't that right,
Mr. Douglas?

Huh?

Uh, thank you.

Doggone,
there must have been

something important
in that letter.

Maybe he was drafted.

Oh, no, no.

He's the type
that enlists.

He forgot all about
his anniversary present.

Yeah,
that letter must have
shook him up.

Let me see
that envelope.

"Wingate and wingate,
attorneys at law.

Washington, D.C."

Well, now we know.

We know what?

Mr. Douglas
is a tax dodger.

It came special delivery
from Brad wingate.

How is Myrna?

Who's Myrna?

Brad's wife.

Brad wingate
is married to Carol.

Then who is Myrna?

That's Toby Tyler's sister.

Then why is Brad
writing about her?

I don't know. He--he's wri...
Brad--

oh, now I remember.

Brad is married
to Carol.

That's right.

How is she?

Lisa!

This is
a business letter.

Brad wingate
wants to know

if I want to come
to Washington

to become a senior partner
in his law firm.

I don't see
why you are yelling at me.

I've always been
very nice to Carol.

I have to discuss
this with you.

I've got to make a decision
whether to stay here

or to go to Washington.

I don't see
what there is to discuss.

You moved out here to get away
from the rat race in New York.

Yes, but this offer
is from Washington.

Don't they have
any rat races there?

Only every other sunday.

Oliver,
I'm a little confused.

You're
a little confused.

Well, that wasn't
necessary.

What I don't understand is

that when we lived
in New York,

you wanted to get away
to a farm.

Now we are here
and you want to move back,

but to another city.

I don't necessarily
want to move back.

But Brad's firm
tries many cases

before the supreme court.

And that's the kind of law

I've always
wanted to practice.

I thought you wanted
to be a farmer.

I do, but I miss
practicing law.

Well, then why don't you?

I'd like to.

But ever since I've been here
I've only had 2 cases.

Oliver, whatever
you want to do

is all right with me.

If you want to go
to Washington, I go.

Even if it means
leaving all of this.

Lisa.

If you want to stay,
I stay.

Because I remember
what the minister said

when I married you.

He said it was
"for better or worse,

"in sickness and poorness,
in health and happiness.

"And with the power
investigated in me

"by the state of New York,

"I now denounce you
man and wife.

And you may kiss the bride."

That will be $2, please.

Put it on my bill.

[T.v. Blaring]

[Shouting]
It's not definite that we're
going to move yet.

[Shouting]
Gee, I'd sure hate
to see you and Mr...

That darn t.V.
Excuse me.

Arnold, will you please
turn that t.V. Down?

[T.v. Volume dropping]

[Squealing]

That's better.

That Arnold,

if he spent as much time
doing his homework

as he does watching t.V...

Well, all pigs
are that way.

You know, Mrs. Douglas,
I just can't understand

why you're thinkin' of movin'.

I thought Mr. Douglas
loved the farm.

Well, he does,
but you see,

he studied for such a long
time to be a lawyer

and--and he misses it.

Well, why don't he hang
his shingle out here?

He did, but nobody noticed it.

How do you feel about going?

Well, it's not up to me,
it's up to him.

I sure hope you stay.

I love it when you
drop over here of an afternoon

for coffee and girl talk.

Thank you.

Fred likes it, too.

When he gets home
after you've been here,

he always says
how nice the place smells.

Sure smells good.
Mrs. Douglas been here?

Yeah. And maybe
for the last time.

What do you mean?

[Sniffles]

Well, Mr. Douglas is thinking
of moving to Washington.

And it's all
your fault.

My fault? What did I do?

Nothing.
That's the trouble.

All you think about is
yourself and your pigs.

What do you care if he
sits around the house all day,

brooding about the fact
that he hasn't got
any law cases?

If I was him,
I'd leave town, too.

Well, I sure wish you was him.

Now, look here, Fred ziffel,

they are the nicest neighbors
we ever had.

And I want 'em to stay.

Well, so do I.

Then we got to do
something about it.

Like what?

You want a divorce?

That's right.

Yeah, and we want you
to handle the case for us.

Well, Mrs. Ziffel,
even if I wanted to,

I couldn't handle the case
for both of you.

Well, then handle it
for Doris.

I couldn't represent her
against you.

You're my friend.

Oh, ok, then represent
him against me.

Anything that'll
make you happy,
Mr. Douglas.

Make me...

Look, i--I'm not going to be
happy either way...

Why do you want a divorce?

Well, that's the only thing
we could think of.

What?

Well, you see,
what Fred means is,

it's the only thing
we could think of

to keep our marriage
together.

That doesn't make any sense.

Neither does our marriage.

Fred! You're asking
for the real thing.

Folks, uh, divorce is
a very serious thing.

Why don't you go home
and reason this thing out?

Supposin' we can't?

Well, then you'll have
to get another attorney.

I never handle divorce cases.

Don't do anything
rash, Mr. Douglas.

We'll be back
with somethin'.

Now, you want to keep
Mr. Douglas in town,

don't you?

Yeah, well, sure.

Well, then somebody's
got to find somethin'

to sue somebody about.

Well, Doris,
this just ain't
a suin' town.

Well, it better be.

Now, come on. Speak up.

Who's going to sue who
about what?

Well, I could sue
you and Fred.

For what?

You ain't paid
anything on your bill

in the last
year and a half.

Now that's a real
nice thing to bring up

when we're trying
to help Mr. Douglas.

Well, it was the only thing
I could think of.

Fred, can't you
think of somethin'?

No. The divorce
suits me fine.

Say, I saw somethin'
on t.V. Last night

that just might work.

These 2 ranchers
was suin' each other

because one feller claimed
that the other feller's fence

was on his property.

That's it.

No, that's not it.
That's just the beginnin'.

That's all we need.

Newt, you're going
to sue Fred

because his fence
is on your land.

But my fence ain't
on his land.

It will be
after you move it.

You want to sue
Mr. Ziffel?

Yeah, h-his fence is
on my property.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I helped him
move it there.

Why did you do that?

So I could sue him.

Well, if you helped
him move it,

how do you expect
to sue him?

Well, I thought
you'd know.

You're a lawyer,
ain't you?

You don't need a lawyer,
all you--

a-all you need to do is
help him move the fence back.

Do you do that kind
of legal work?

No.

Oh.

Well, don't go away,
somebody'll be right back.

Lisa,

did you mention
that Washington offer

I had from Brad wingate
to anyone?

From whom?

Carol's husband.

But I thought
she was married to...

Did you mention it
to anyone?

Oh, why should I?

Doesn't he know
who he's married to?

Lisa,

don't you see what these
people are trying to do?

They're coming to me
with these trumped-up
law cases

in order to get me
to stay here.

That's the nicest thing
that's ever happened to me.

I wouldn't trade
that kind of friendship

for any
Washington offer.

That's nice.

But you're
the real surprise.

What did I do?

Well, not once did you say,
"let's go to Washington."

You never tried
to influence my decision.

Lisa,

is it possible
you prefer to stay here?

Only if you put
something in my coffee.

Well, why didn't you try
to nag me into going?

Well, what would
be the use?

We'd go back
to Washington,

then pretty soon you'd say:

"Let's get out of the city
and buy a farm."

Then you'd buy
another place

and it might be worse
than this is.

Darling,

why don't you write Brad

and tell him you're not
going to Washington?

You're
a wonderful wife.

And while you write to him,

be sure to tell him
to give my love to Myrna.

He's married to Carol.

That is another reason
we can't go back there.

Nobody can remember
who they're married to.

Gentlemen, I have just
written a letter
to Mr. Brad wingate

telling him why I am
not going to Washington.

Well, we sure are glad
to hear that, Mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

Yeah, glad to know you're
going to stick around awhile.

Me, too.

Thank you.

Can I read
the letter?

No.

Uh, will you be sure
this is sent
right out, please?

Yes, sir.

Uh, gentlemen,

would you like
to know

why I have decided
to stay here?

Now, if we say "why?"
Is this going to lead

into one of them
long-winded speeches of yours?

This is not a speech.

I just wanted to say
that I appreciate

all that you've done to try
to get me to stay here.

I've always said
that the American farmer

is a true human being.

He is a man who works hard
from sunup to sundown.

His hands are calloused,
but his heart is soft.

Yeah, but his head ain't.

I thought you said
this wasn't gonna be

one of them speeches.

Just wanted to say
that your warmth,

your friendship,

your neighborliness
has proven to me

something I've
always known.

What's that?

You don't have to ask him,
he'll tell you.

I have always known
that this great compassion,

this deep feeling
that you have
for one another

is the real reason
that the American farmer

is the backbone
of our country.

Are you through?

He must be,
his lips ain't movin'.

Don't pay any attention
to them, Mr. Douglas.

They're just embarrassed
because of all

the nice things
you said about 'em.

(Oliver)
Well, anyway, I meant
every word of it.

And I want to thank you
again very much.

He sure
is a nice fellow.

Yeah, if he just
wouldn't make

them doggone
long-winded speeches.

Well, till he
started makin' 'em,

we never knew we was
the backbone of America.

Haney, did you hear
about Mr. Douglas?

Uh, yeah, he just told me.

We sure are glad.

Yeah, so am I.

But don't it strike you
as just a mite suspicious?

What?

Well, don't it seem strange

that he'd give up a big job
in Washington to stay here?

Yeah,
it is strange.

Oh, haney.

Do you know how much money
he made in farmin' last year?

$16.42.

Yet you've seen
that big car he drives,

them jewels his wife has.

Huh, you can't buy them
for $16.42.

No, you can't.

Yeah, I wonder what he's got
goin' for him on that farm?

Oh, here you are,
Mr. Douglas.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas,
I'm here to tell you

that your little game
is up.

My game?

If you think you can pull
the wool over the eyes

of the American farmer's
backbone

with those 8-minute speeches,
you're badly mistaken.

Mr. Kimball,
would you mind telling me--

all the time that we were
thinkin' up law suits

to get you to stay,

you were pretending to be
a bad farmer to cover up
your real activities.

Well, you didn't fool me.

I knew you were a bad farmer.

Mr. Kimball, what activities
are you talking about?

Shall we start
with counterfeiting?

Counterfeiting?

Where do you keep
the presses?

What presses?

Don't try to brazen it out
with me

because it won't
do you any good.

I don't brazen.

Mr. Kimball--

I've seen some of those
dollar bills you make

and they're not very good.

Have you been drinking
your soil-testing solution?

How many w*tbacks
you got in the barn?

w*tbacks?

Well, I must say that you
almost took us all in.

Well, you couldn't have
taken us all in,
you don't have enough room.

But it was pretty clever
the way you wrote yourself
that letter from Washington

getting us to beg you
to stay.

When you had no intentions
of leaving your still.

Now I've got a still,
have I?

Yeah, between counterfeiting,
running w*tbacks
and bootlegging booze,

no wonder you can afford
to live in a place like this,
huh,

and buy your wife
diamonds and furs,

and $2.50 jugs of perfume.

I didn't buy her the perfume.

Very clever.

What did you hope
to accomplish by that?

Mr. Kimball,
I'm going to count to 3,

and if you're not off
of my property--

(eb)
Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.
What's the matter?

Didn't you hear
the phone?

No, I was talking to this--

there was a call for you
from Washington.

When I said
you weren't here,

the woman said for you
to call operator 235.

Thank you.

Operator 235?

Oh, Mr. Douglas, forgive me.
Now I understand.

You do?

Operator 235
in Washington.

So that's it!

You're a c.I.A. Agent.

He is?

Shh.

235.
What's your number?

No, don't tell me.

I wasn't going to.

You intelligence fellows
are pretty smart.

I mean, buying a broken-down
farm for a cover.

Well, don't worry,
Mr. Douglas...

Or whatever
your number is,

your secret
is safe with me.

Even if I'm captured,
I won't talk.

They can beat me,
they can t*rture me,

they can even
brainwash me.

That wouldn't take any more
than a damp towel.

Oh.

It's those fast answers
that keeps the other side
guessing.

Yeah, yeah, we're fast
with the cracks.

Well, good luck,
Mr. Douglas.

Isn't that
the most ridiculous--

so you're
a secret agent.

Eb.

Oh, I didn't mean
to say it so loud.

Why, that 235
sure has a sexy voice.

But then I guess
you intelligence guys
run into a lot of that.

Not as much
as we'd like to.

Well, you go call
you-know-who,

and I'll cover you
from down here.

Good boy.

I'll mention you
in my report.

Who were you talking to?

Oh, Brad wingate.
Uh, Lydia sends her love.

Lydia?

Yeah, he's split up
with Carol.

Well, that doesn't
surprise me.

The way he was
making eyes at Myrna,

I knew it wouldn't last.

You're very observant.

What did Brad want?

He wanted my decision
and I told him.

Didn't' he get
your letter?

I just mailed it.

Well, maybe you didn't put
enough stamps on it.

Please, Lisa. I've had
all I can stand for one day.

It all started off
peacefully enough.

I went into drucker's store
to buy you a present.

Where is it?
I didn't get it.

Why not?

Well, I didn't have time.
I got this letter
from Brad wingate,

and the next thing I know,
they're all trying
to convince me to stay.

And finally,
when I said I would,

all of a sudden
they get suspicious.

And they accuse me of
everything from counterfeiting
to smuggling w*tbacks.

Well, they're
your friends.

Some friends.

They're just trying
to get you
to go straight.

I am going to go straight,
to a psychiatrist

and get some therapy.

That would be good
for your back.

It's not my back that hurts.
It's my--

[knocking on door]
Come in.

What's wrong
with your come-in?

There's nothing wrong
with my--

(Sam)
Hi, Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, these fellers
have something to say to you.

Go ahead, haney.

Uh, Mr. Douglas,
I'm sorry.

It's my fault that folks
was suspicious of you.

A-And we're sorry
because we listened to him.

Yes, Mr. Douglas,
we know you didn't do
no counterfeitin',

no whiskey-makin',
no wetbackin'.

Yeah, we know you're
an American backbone

just like us.

Well, now that we
got that cleared up,
Mr. Douglas,

would you like to tell us
about some of your cases?

Cases?

How many foreign agents
you k*lled?

Yeah, you k*lled 'em
with a knife or a g*n?

Gentlemen,
you've found me out.

My real name is not
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

In Washington
I'm known as 198.

And hortense kalish here

is known as 37-29-42.

42? I'm not--

hortense, these gentlemen
have found us out.

We are at your mercy.

A year ago, I bought
this farmhouse for a cover.

Now if you go
blabbering it all over,

well, you can imagine
what might happen to us.

42.

Gentlemen, in the interest
of national security,

I want you to go back home
and forget you ever knew us.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, why did
you tell them

I have a size 42?

Oh, it was just a number
I picked out of the air.

Well, you could have
picked out a smaller number.

Look, hortense, I don't want
to have any trouble with you.

Or I'm going
to have you deported.

[Sighs]

Look, number 198,

you may be
an undercover agent,

but from now on,
you'll be sleeping

under those covers
by yourself.

This is 37-24-21
signing off.

[Barks]

[Whimpers]

Bang the side of your head,
darling.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.