02x16 - His Honor

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

[Engine backfiring]

Hey! Come back here.

I gotta put this seat...

[Tires screeching]

[Engine sputtering]

[Engine backfiring]

[Tires screeching]

You been gulpin'
high test again.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Runnin' around
without your seat.

Say, did you hear that--

mmm, something smells
pretty good, what is it?

Your breakfast.

What did you do?
Send out for it?

Well, that's a nice way
to start the morning.

Well, I didn't--

say you're sorry.

What are you making?

Hotcakes.

I'm sorry.

What sorry is that?

The send-out-for-it sorry,
or what-i'm-making sorry?

Oh, Lisa, I...

Did you say you were
making hotcakes?

Yes.

Where are they?

Right here.

What are they?

Hots kebabs.

Hots kebabs?

They are like shish kebabs

but with the shish kebabs you
put the shish on the screwer,

but with hots kebabs

you put the hots on it.

Lisa, you put that
to music you might have a hit.

Mr. Douglas, you know what?

Hey, hots kebabs.

You've seen them before?

Sure, up in pixley
at Bob's hots kebabs stand.

They're a big favorite
with the gourmet set.

Uh, why don't you sit down
and have one?

No, thanks, I just wanted
to tell Mr. Douglas
about the tractor.

Oh, is that what
all the racket was?

Yes, sir. I think you
oughta come out
and have a talk with it.

What?

Well, it won't listen to me.

What's wrong with it?

I think it's flipped
its cotter pin.

It chased me out of the barn
and then back in again.

You mean it was
running by itself?

Yes, sir.
Oh!

That's ridiculous.

So are hots kebabs,
but there they are.

Uh, what's wrong
with the tractor?

I don't know.
I'm no psychiatrist.

I didn't ask you what you--

you don't want a hots kebabs?

Uh, uh, no.

Are the brakes
working all right?

I never got
a chance to find out.

The seat fell off
with me on it.

But I did notice
there was a piece missing.

A rod about...

Oh, about this long.

And it looked like that.

Lisa, where did you
get that rod?

A friend of mine
gave it to me.

Who?

Well, he's a tractor.

Lisa,
did you take that rod?

Well, you wanted
a hots kebabs.

I didn't say
I wanted hot kebabs.

Well, you looked like
you wanted it.

The day I look like
I want...

Lisa, take those
things off that rod.
We gotta have the rod.

If you want the rod,
eat the kebabs.

Never, I'll buy
a new one first.

It doesn't pay to be
a good cook around here.

Everybody makes fun of you.

Sam, you know we got
a lot of work to do.

Yeah, can we please
go home now?

We're staying here until one
of you agrees to take the job.

Well, it ain't gonna be me,
I don't wanna be no judge.

Me, neither.
Too dangerous.

How about you haney?
You want to be
the livestock judge?

No, thanks, I got
enough enemies.

Well, we gotta have
a livestock judge
for the fair.

What about Roy trendell?
Why'd he resign?

Yeah, yeah, he's one
of the best judges
we ever had.

All them decisions
made him nervous.

The tar and feathers didn't
do him much good neither.

Sam,

ain't nobody gonna be
foolhardy enough
to take this job.

We ain't adjourning
this meeting until
we find somebody.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Meeting's adjourned.

Well, congratulations,
Mr. Douglas.

Congratulations?
For what?

On being
elected.

You'll be the best one
we ever had.

The best what?

So long, Sam.

Now just a second.
He hasn't accepted yet.

Wait, accepted what?
I don't know what
you're talking about.

Uh, Mr. Douglas,

how'd you like to be a judge?

Judge?

I don't know what to say.

How about "yes",
so we can go home?

Just let Mr. Douglas
make up his own mind.

How about it, Mr. Douglas?

Well-um-I'm overwhelmed.
I--i--i came in
here to get a...

It's kind of a connecting rod
for my tractor.

You wouldn't have
such a thing, would you?

How long is it?

Mmm, like that.

I don't have anything
like that for a tractor

but maybe this will work.

It's a hots kebabs skewer.

Yeah, that'll be--

are you gonna take
the judge job or not?

Gentlemen,
I'm deeply flattered

but don't you have a judge?

Yeah, Roy trendell.

Well, what about him?

He's got a few problems.

Are you sure
I'm the right man?

There ain't nobody else.

Well,

if you need me.

We sure do.

Then I'll be proud
to accept the appointment.

And we'll be proud
to have you accept it.

Show up in 2 weeks.

In 2 weeks?

Gentlemen,

I want you to know that
I appreciate this great honor
you've conferred upon me.

I realize that it carries
with it a deep responsibility,

and I want you to know
that I'll do my utmost

to be worthy of your trust.

Rest assured
I'll weigh every decision

carefully and impartially.

Thank you, gentlemen,
for your faith in me.

Good day.

Doggone, he sure took it big.

Yeah, I can't understand
a man getting that excited

about being made judge
at the livestock exhibit.

You mean you're going to be
a real "your honor" judge?

Well, that's what
they appointed me.

Oh, darling,
I'm so proud of you.

When do we
go to New York?

Who said anything
about going to New York?

Well, if I'm going to be
Mrs. Your honor

I have to buy
a whole new wardrobe.

Now wait a minute.

You don't need
a new wardrobe.

Well, you have to
buy one, too.

What do I need--

don't you have
to get one of those

long, black nightshirts
judges wear?

Those are not nightshirts,
those are, uh, robes.

Well, you can't wear
your terrycloth robe.

No, I...

Hey, it might not be
a bad idea to go to New York.

Give me the chance
to talk to judge crandall.

Yes, he can tell you
where to get the judge robe.

No, no, he was
my law professor at Harvard.

Is he the one who said that
you would make a better
plumber than a lawyer?

No, that was professor...

Well, he was wrong.

Because you still
have to call a plumber.

Thank you.

Well, I'm only
saying what's true.

All right, what brought
this on anyway?

Well, you said you have
to go to New York

to talk to judge crandall
to get a robe.

No, no, that's what you said.
I said I wanna see
judge crandall because

there's a lot to know
about being a judge

and he's one
of the finest jurists in...

Well, he can help me.

Is he a good plumber?

No, that was
my other professor.

Do you want to
go to New York?

The suitcases
are in the closet.

You know, Lisa,
it's a funny thing.

Ever since I first
started practicing law

I've always wanted
to be a judge.

Sit up there on the bench,

listen to the wrangling of
the attorneys as they strive

with word and oratory
to tip the scales of justice

in favor of their clients.

While I carefully weigh
every nuance,

every gesture, every word.

Wow, you got a new speech.

What?

I like the other one better.

When you get away
from the rats of the city

with all their races

and you buy a farm

and plant the little seeds
in the rich brown earth

and watch the st*lks

shoosting up into the sky,
reaching for the sun

and the rain
and the so forths.

How would you like 30 days
in the workhouse?

Just for reaching for the sun
and the so forths?

For making fun of his honor.

Uh, would the judge
accept a little bribe?

Like what?

Sentence suspended.

Mother.
Lisa, darling.

Hello, mother dear.

Oh, I hurried over just
as soon as I got your call.

Oh, it's so good
to see you again.

Get a coat on, dear,
and we'll go shopping.

Oh, good.

Mother, aren't you
going to say hello
to me before you go?

Hello, Oliver.
You're going to need
a whole new wardrobe, dear.

I know, I brought
2 empty trunks to take
the things home I buy.

Only 2?

Well, in that case,
the first thing
we have to do

is go shopping
for some more trunks.

Mother.
Get a coat on, dear.

Hello, Oliver.
How are things
in slumville?

Hooterville.

Shh! Not so loud.

I told all my friends
that you are in baden-baden
taking the cure.

That's a fine way
to talk about your son.

Don't say that
too loudly, either.

I've got a good mind
not to tell you the news.

News?

Huh! Is Lisa?

No.

You don't even know
what I was going to ask.

Well, whatever it was,
she isn't.

The news is about me.

I'm going to be a judge.

Why, Oliver!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

My son, a judge.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Why, it's wonderful.

Now Lisa can move in with me

and you can commute weekends
from Washington.

Washington?

Well, isn't that where all
the supreme court judges work?

I haven't been appointed
to the supreme court.

I'm going to serve on
the bench in hooterville.

But that's horrible.

There's nothing wrong
with hooterville.

Stop saying that.

Sounds like
a mating place for owls.

Well, I'm very flattered
about the appointment.

Maybe it is a small town
but it can lead
to bigger things.

Circuit judge, district.

Who knows to what
they'll appoint me.

You fellas got a lot of nerve
giving Douglas my job.

I've always been judge
of the livestock exhibit.

Take it easy, Roy.
We thought you didn't want it.

Well, I do.

One more year
of judging livestock

I get promoted to bein'
judge of the beauty contest.

But, Roy--

and I ain't giving up
my seniority rights to nobody.

But we've already
appointed Mr. Douglas.

Well, dis-appoint him.

Well, that'll break
his little heart.

He'll be lower
than a small boy
on a tall ladder.

What's that mean?

It means, uh,

that he'll be shook up
like a hobo with a green tie.

Oh, haney!

Look, if he
wants to be judge

let him start
at the bottom like I did.

Judging apples.

Oh, Mr. Douglas
ain't gonna like

being demoted
to apple judge.

I don't think
he'll take it.

Well, ask him.

He's in New York.

Well, call him.

Whose gonna pay
for the call?

Well, I would offer to,

but seeing it's your phone,
I don't want to hurt
your feelings.

Lisa?

Lisa?

Oh, hello, darling.

What is this?

That's a message for you,
I wrote it down.

"Mr. Drooker called--"

uh, drucker.

Oh! Mr. Drucker called.

"Swatching--"
uh, switching.

With an "a"?

No, that's an "itch."

Oh, "switching you
to be a judge in the--"

"in the apples"?

There's no apples judge.

That's what
I thought he said.

Apples?

Appeals.

They've appointed me
to be the judge in
the court of appeals.

Is that good?

Is that good? I haven't
started work yet,

already
they're appointing me
to a higher court.

Oh, Lisa, you've gotta--

you've gotta be more careful
about these messages.
I'm a judge now.

Apples! You make it sound
like it was a county fair!

I'm sorry, your honor.

Oh. I got another
message for you, here.

Can't even read this one.

Oh, this one I wrote
in Hungarian, which is
my native handwriting.

Ah, what does it say?

It says that judge crandall
will see you tomorrow at 4:00.

Oliver Wendell Douglas, eh?

I don't seem to--

are you sure
you were in my class?

Well, uh, yes, your honor.

At Harvard?

Yes, sir.

Douglas. Douglas.

Oh, yes. You're the fellow
that was the plumber.

No, sir. That's what
professor walton said
I should do.

Give up law
and become a plumber.

I'm glad you
followed his advice.

It looks like
you've done very well.

No, sir.

I didn't become a plumber,
I became a lawyer.

That's what I wanted
to see you about.

You're in trouble
with the bar association?

No, your honor.

I have been appointed
judge of the court of appeals.

Then the bar association
is in trouble.

Your honor!

[Laughing]
Just ribbing. Congratulations.

I'm sure you must be
very proud of yourself.

Imagine, working your way up
from a plumber

to a judge
of the court of appeals.

Where else could this happen
except here in America?

I'm sure I don't know,
your honor,

but I thought you could
show me how I might
conduct myself on the bench.

You want judge lessons?

Uh, no, sir, i--

Mr. Douglas,

nobody can teach you
how to be a judge.

You're an attorney,
you should know
court procedure.

You've observed
judges holding court.

Well, your honor,
I'm a little rusty.

You see, I gave up my practice
when I bought my farm.

You own a farm?

Why, yes, your honor.

Let me shake your hand.

All my life I've wanted
to own a farm.

To get away from
the rat race of the city,

to plant seeds,

to watch the tiny st*lks...

Pushing their little
green heads up above
the brown earth,

reaching for the sun
and the sky.

The judge said that?

You ought to sue him.

He stole your speech.

Oh, it's not my speech.

I may have said
something like that,
but, uh...

Well, anyway
he wasn't much help.

Didn't he give you
any judge lessons?

No.

Oh, never mind.
I got a surprise for you.

Here you are, your honor.
A judge robe.

A judge--

try it on.

There.

Oh, hey!

There is something else
that goes with the gown.

What's that?
It's one of those bangers.

A banger?
You know.

An order-in-the-court
banger. A gravel.

Oh, a gavel! Oh!

Go on try it.

Oh, say, thank you.
Go on.

No, I don't want to.

Well, go on.

Order in the court!

Yeah?

There's something else
that goes with
the gown and the banger.

Here, your wig.

Oh, Lisa, they don't
wear those anymore.

Oh, yes, they do.
In england.

Remember the time
when you were arrested--

I wasn't arrested.
They just gave me a warning.

I couldn't get used to
driving on the wrong side
of the road.

Come on, try it on.

I'll look like an old beatle.

Oh, come on, try it on.

Now, hold still.

There.

Why, you look quite dashing.

Yeah, yeah?

Oh, say, say. I must have...

Oh, it's too bad
they gave up the custom.

Kind of adds, doesn't' it?

[Knocking on door]

Come in!

Um, where do you
want these, Mrs. Douglas?

I am not Mrs. Douglas.

I am Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
the old lady in the black
dress was Mrs. Douglas.

Where would you--

just put them right
down there please.

Thank you, ma'am. Sir.

Thanks.

Your honor, may I ask
you a question?

What?

Is it true that blondes
have more fun?

[Gavel pounds]

Mmm, isn't it wonderful
to be home?

Away from New York,

with its crowds,
confusion and traffic.

Wonderful shops,
restaurants, theaters.

Oh, you can have them.

Where in New York could you
get something like this?

Driving along
a country road,

no traffic, no crowds.

Just the two of us.

[Siren wailing]

What about handcuff Harry?

Oh, for the...

Well, uh, what's wrong, Harry?
Officer?

You were speeding.

You were speeding.

I just told him that.

Uh, may I see
your license, please?

Uh, yes, sir.

[Birds chirping]

Oh, that's not a very
good picture of him.

He's much better
looking in person.

Lisa, he knows
I'm better look-- uh...

Officer, uh,

I'm a little embarrassed
about this.

Oh, well, so am I.

Here you are, Mr. Douglas.

You see,
I've just been appointed--

darling, shouldn't
he salute you?

No, he doesn't
have to salute me.

Yes, he does.

You're a judge.

So that takes care of this.

Lady!

Well, you don't give
a ticket to a judge.

I'm not a judge yet.

You're going to be.

Show him your robe
and your wig.

I'm not going to show him--

you folks better follow me.

Oh, officer--
just follow me.

Tore up the ticket?

I'm sorry, your honor.
Y-You see--

Mr. Douglas, you can't--

you can call him your honor,
too, your honor.

Order!

Oh, my husband has one of
those order bangers, too

he's a judge
with the appeals courts.

Is that true?

Well, you see--

you want to see
him with his wig on?

His wig?

It's just a powdered wig.

Yes, I'm going to be
a judge.

I was appointed judge
of the court of appeals.

May I ask who appointed you?

Uh, Sam drucker.

Who is Sam drucker?

He runs the general store
at hooterville.

And he app...

That'll be $10. Cash.

No, sir, your honor. I didn't
tell Mr. Douglas he was
going to be a regular judge.

He's going to be a judge
at the county fair.

He said what?

A-Appeals.

Oh, that's apples. He's
going to be the apple judge.

Well, I'm sorry, your honor.

Yeah, we'll straighten
him out.

Hmm.

Wonder where Mr. Douglas
got the idea he was going
to be a regular judge?

I don't know, Sam.

I don't know Sam?

Of course I know you, Sam.
I've known you all my life.

Haven't I?

Uh, yeah, you have.

Have what?

Known me!
Who said I didn't?

Wonder why a man
like Mr. Douglas

would go around tellin'
everybody he's a judge?

Why not? He goes around
telling everybody
he's a farmer.

He must have misunderstood.

How could you misunderstand
a thing like that?

Just because you got
a farmhouse and a farm
and a speech about

st*lks in the ground
reaching up to the sky.

Doesn't make him a farmer.

I'm talking about the fact
that he misunderstood what
kind of judge he was gonna be.

Well,

somebody better go over
and straighten him out.

Yeah, they sure should.
Be sure you break the news
to him gently.

Right. Me?

Well, I'd go myself
but I can't leave the store.

Well, ok.

It won't be easy telling a man
he's not a real judge.

Just an apple judge.

I remember the time my
mother told me my pants were
just imitation corduroy.

Boy!
Just go tell him.

[Knocking at door]

Come in!

Oh, Mr. Kimball.

Oh, Mr. Douglas

do you live here?

Who do you think lives here?

Well, I was hoping
whoever it was had moved.

Uh, Mr. Kimball--

Mr. Douglas,
I've got some bad news.

Well, it's not bad.

Well,
it certainly isn't good.

Well, whatever it is,
I'm sorry I had to tell ya.
Bye.

Wait a minute!
What's the news?

I don't know. I haven't
had the radio on all day.

Anything happen?

Kimball, you came here
to tell me something.

Oh, yes.

How do you feel about apples?

Apples?

You know, those
round things that grow
on trees with a stem.

Sometimes they put one
in a pig's mouth.

I know what
an apple looks like.

Good. Then you'll make
a fine apple judge
at the county fair.

I don't know what
Sam was worried about.

I'll tell him you
took the news like a man.

Apple judge at the county--

well, it's not
the court of appeals.

But then neither
is imitation corduroy.

Well, so long.

Mr. Kim...

Just an apple judge.

Excuse me, your honor.

You can stop calling
me "your honor."

Oh! Now you're the governor?

Just an apple judge.

An apple judge?

Oh, how did that happen?

You know that message
you gave me in New York
that I thought said appeals?

Well, it was really apples.

When does court open,
your honor?

Lisa, please, stop calling
me "your honor."

Fine judge. Apples.

Oh, don't worry, darling,

you'll work your way up
to the supreme court.

You'll start at
the bottom with apples,

next year, tomatoes,
then squash, then cows,

then the beauty contest,

which I'm not
going to let you do.

Lisa, would you mind
getting off the stand.
I've got to get to work.

Wait a moment!

It isn't official
without your judge suit.

Oh, I'm not going to...

I'd look silly standing
on a fruit stand wearing a--

morning, your honor.

Mr. Haney.

Judge haney. Squash.

You know judge ziffel.
Tomatoes.

And this here is
chief justice trendell.

Chief justice?

Livestock.

Look, fellas,
if you came here
to make fun of--

oh, judge Douglas,

we sure do want to thank you.

Dressing up like this
has given our county fair
a lot of class.

You've added
a touch of dignity

to an otherwise
drab affair.

May I, your honor?

Why not?

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.