05x05 - Van Nuys

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

How about moving into my house?

There's plenty of room for the boys.

Did you just ask me to live with you?

We're going to denmark.

The mexican mafia's not gonna find us in copenhagen.

Mr. Sandusky? I need some pot.

How much can you spend? Four grand.

Get in, we'll settle up.

Wow, to be you!

What kind of business you got?

Medical marijuana.

We're in business, partner.

Partner. Partners.

Faggots.

$186,437.96.

You go out with me, and I'll get you into that account.

Only it has to be as judah. You're judah, and I'm me.

Well, there's nothing weird about that.

You remember sucio. He will watch you now.

Where is sucio? Nancy: he's missing. There was blood.

You have to choose, nancy. Who's it gonna be?

I'm not ready to be f*cking zen about who lives or dies.

We chose this life for you, for me, for our son.

There is nothing I will not do to protect that life.

Can you smell that?

You know the one thing about women that terrifies me above everything?

How can she eat that?

The fact that your periods sync up.

It's not even food.

It's just nitrates and fillers and...

It's so freaky and wolfish.

What's a filler?

I bet you're an alpha she-wolf, nance.

I bet all women in your orbit snap to your cycle.

It's terrifying. Excuse me.

Not in the habit of butting in, but those can't be the best for your baby.

Well, it's not a baby yet, and I'm not keeping it.

Ah, an abobo, huh? Hoovertown?

We used to call it "going to van nuys."

Andy.

'Cause the place we'd go was in van nuys.

Sorry to have bothered you.

I've gone to van nuys five times. It's no big deal.

Uh, for me.

The ladies tended to... Get a little weepy.

Except for deirdre.

But I found out later she had asperger's.

Five?

My point is this...

Science.

I haven't seen you since the first ultrasound.

How are you?

I've been nauseous. It's my sense of smell.

Bionic, huh?

I could be a superhero.

One of the miraculous weirdnesses of pregnancy.

Mostly I smell...

Ah...

The bad things.

I'm surrounded by men.

I breathe through my mouth so much, my lips chap.

I'm fine, really.

So, you do abortions, too, right?

Yes.

So, uh, how late is too late?

Well, you still have some time.

Is this something you're seriously considering?

I don't know.

No.

I'll think about it.

Well, everything looks fine.

Try to find an oasis.

Create one if you have to.

And I would surround myself with nice smells.

What, like flowers?

I was thinking pancakes.

But flowers, too, yes. Herbs, maybe.

Would you like me to make you another appointment?

For a follow-up?

For whatever you decide.

f*cking cockbreath assh*le!

Dickhead! Shitbrain! Man-c**t!

Angry, rich white children.

You're rich and white. Why so angry?

Shane got jacked for his weed.

I just like seeing sh*t break.

Jacked?

Ripped off. Much pot, no pay.

By his english teacher.

So, what you going to do about it?

Potting soil... Overpopulation...

Basil... Hive collapse...

Lavender... Credit-default swaps, somali pirates...

What's this one? North korean nukes...

Lovage... Herb lovage...

Mexican drug-lord gangster-politicians... Lovage...

"American idol." Golden oregano...

Did you know that this baby has a one-in-five chance of being autistic?

Why did I buy marjoram?

And I'm not talking the fun, card-counting savant kind, either.

I'm talking zombie-eyes, soothe-rocking, behelmeted.

What do you think of coriander?

I think nothing of coriander!

Although, it's nice in a curry.

You have to get rid of this baby.

No, I don't.

Flush it.

Listen, I'm coming into some money.

We'll run, get a fresh start.

These are very dark waters you're swimming in, even for you.

I just... What are you doing with all this stuff?

I'm gonna plant things, and they'll bloom and flourish and smell good and maybe...

...the moods will rise and the dark waters will clear.

Money... Bricks of it, wrapped in those... I don't want to hear it.

Hey, I don't want to tell you. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know gophers and bunnies are gonna eat your plants, right?

I'll build a fence.

Yeah, well, maybe the gopher's already inside, huh? Blah, blah, blah.

Just waiting and growing... Hey, shut up!

...sucking the nutrients from your soil. Shut up!

You got to abort that gopher, nance!

How's the sample?

Sucks... Total ditch weed.

We only have three good strains, and I'm out of contacts.

We're f*cked.

Well, that is a pickle.

You should go see the wizard.

Who?

Buddy of mine from high school, dropped out, went into real estate, market tanked, so now he's a pot agent.

Pot growers have agents?

Oh, sure.

Growers are usually too stoned to do math.

Yeah, that's true. Math is hard.

I'll set up a meeting for you, si.

Oh, oh! Me too! Me too!

I want the hookup for the meeting and the buying.

Negotiations can be tricky, doug.

f*ck off! I'm a master negotiator.

Besides, you can't negotiate.

No one's gonna take a blond man seriously.

Ow!

Hooked! Hooked! Hooked!

Hello?

W-who's there?

I have a g*n!

Celia: don't sh**t! It's me.

Liar... You don't have a g*n.

You're squatting in my garage?!

I have nowhere to go.

My family is in ruins... Shards, nancy.

They left me to rot in mexico.

Get out of my life!

Cancer...

Loss of station...

Loss of... Tooth.

You threw away my tooth.

Get out of my life.

I just lose and lose and lose and lose, and you have everything.

Get out of my life.

And now a baby.

A mexican baby, but still.

So allow me this tiny, little, pathetic crumb...

To stay in your garage while I figure out what the f*ck I'm doing with my life!

Albatross.

My own personal cinder block.

Two days.

I don't want to see you.

Thank you, nancy.

Can I have my old job back at the maternity store?

f*ck!

Botwin?

That's right. It's botwin, m*therf*cker.

And hodes, jerk.

Don't mess with her. She's loco.

I really am.

Get the f*ck out of here before I kick your nards in, you little cock goblin, with your fake g*n.

Take nerd-girl with you.

Your usual sidekicks are much hotter.

Aah!

You know that lesson you taught on point of view in fiction?

It was really helpful, mr. S.

I think I get it now.

To you, I'm just some dumb kid you can rip off.

Well, from my perspective, you're that titanic loser of a teacher I once had who jacked the wrong kid.

Unfortunately, you're also now part of our friend ignacio's story.

And your chapter is very, very short.

Here. It's all there. Take it.

I didn't ask your permission, you faux-adult! You skid mark!

Your apartment makes me sad.

Take something else... For penalty.

Okay.

Um, the ray-bans.

And the rollerblades.

Is that a zune? Take that.

Um...

Not my axe!

Okay, now that you called it your axe, I'm for sure taking it.

Now sh**t him in the leg.

Aah!

Not the bird!

I meant the man!

Poor little birdie.

G-g-go, go! Go, go!

Wizard: aging goofball... Career in the sh*t t*nk.

Middle-class kid... Lost, not smart enough for academics, not talented enough for sports.

My point...

You two don't strike me as a particularly serious duo.

Oh, we are serious, bro.

Serious as ass cancer, serious as nagasaki, serious as a sean penn movie.

Look, we've got a solid business plan, a community itching for legal product, and your buddy c.p.... He's got our back.

C.p.'S functionally Ret*rded.

The only reason I used to hang out with him is 'cause his stepmom had jell-o pops and his little sister let me finger-bang her in the pool house.

f*cking loved pudding pops.

Why don't they make those anymore?

Know what I mean?

I stock everything in your dispensary.

And I mean everything.

Great. Perfect.

We're in.

Okay.

Let's do the paperwork.

Uh, so, we'll start with the small-market contracts...

...adding the $75 delivery fee...

Whoa, whoa, there. Delivery fee?

We have to pay our drivers.

You have to pay your drivers. Doug...

Let me negotiate. This is what I do.

No deal, wizard.

f*ck you and your bullshit charges in the butt.

It's a standard fee.

Okay, here's my counteroffer.

Eat my balls.

Uh, sorry, wizard.

Shut up.

Silas, if you can't take the stress of tough negotiations...

Did you hit "save" first?

That's a very unstable operating system.

We're done here. Oh, please.

You say you validate?

Dead mexican!

Dead mexican. Dead mexican.

Dead mexican.

Dead mexican!

Hey. It's me.

Uh, still... Still weighing the whole moving-in thing.

But guess who I ran into.

Our old friend sucio.

He's looking a... Little stiff.

So, if you could send someone to pick him up... Soon.

He's hanging out in the garage.

Okay, bye.

Keep him company.

I didn't realize we were going full period with this thing.

I would've... I would've worn my loverboy headband.

I look ridiculous.

I knew it, but my guild encouraged me.

No, mags, you look am...

Your guild?

Online-gaming world?

Mm-hmm. I'm a mage.

Mm-hmm.

And, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty outgoing and popular there.

Popular in the game as a mage?

Oh, yeah. My spell-hit ratio is, like, off the charts.

You... You think I'm pathetic.

I'm dressed like molly ringwald.

I'm sorry. I-i have this fierce imagination.

I always have.

No, it's admirable, actually.

I can't remember the last time I imagined anything.

That is so sad.

So fondue.

This is where we went on our date.

Totally exciting.

I happen to love dipping things into other things.

Well, the fun is that you get to cook the meat yourself.

That's what judah said.

What you said.

What I sa... Yes. What I said... Me, judah.

You cook it yourself.

Yeah.

So, um, what made you finally ask me out?

I mean, you're such a stud-muffin.

I guess when I saw you at the...

At the food court. I-i worked at hot dog on a stick.

The way that you handled the batter...

I saw you, and I figured I'm just here for the summer and life is short and people are such phonies.

Like j.d. Salinger said.

Oh, my god, you always quoted that.

That's right.

Judah read that book every summer.

Phonies.

g*dd*mn phonies.

But you're not a phony, mags.

You're real.

And I'm real.

Me... Judah.

So... Let's be real together.

I want you to take my virginity.

What the hell is that?

Hi, isabel.

It's a theremin.

It's one of the earliest electronic instruments.

Super.

What's it doing in my house?

We found it... By a dumpster.

You don't have to lie to her.

I was selling silas' leftover cheese-pot, and my shitball teacher jacked my stash.

So I jacked him back.

Ignacio helped us.

You helped shane rob his teacher?

You're welcome.

I can't live like this anymore.

What have I allowed in my house?

Shane was a good kid. Now he's robbing his teacher.

I am so sorry that I exposed him to the world of criminal activities...

For the first time.

Hey, silas! Come here. Look at this.

Huh? A self-portrait from my blue-balls period.

Ever get tired of being a complete joke?

What?

I'm delightful. People love me.

Not to be in business with you, they don't.

Hey, I was a well-respected c.p.a.

Notice the use of the past tense?

You hurtful, toothy little sh*t.

Teefy!

Man boobs.

No, you don't make up the names.

That's my thing, goldilocks.

No, I can do better... Mormon-face!

Gigantor. Embezzler.

Girlfriend-deporter.

Stop it, deaf-girl fucker! Deaf-fucker!

Bad dad. Abandoner!

Orphan. Father-k*ller!

Aah!

I'm sorry, doug.

No, I'm sorry.

I just say things.

Sometimes... Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly Ret*rded in the mouth.

And you didn't k*ll your father.

Shane did.

I'll, uh...

So, i...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh!

Hola.

Mi nombre es celia.

The body is where?

Mm.

Ugh.

So, what are you gonna do, exactly?

Is that acid?

Do you have to cut him up into little pieces before?

Lady leaves now, goes gets a falafel or something.

I don't really have anywhere to go.

I'm sort of between things right now, fresh from a spell with some revolutionaries in your country.

Rodolfo. You know him?

Piercing eyes, total vag*na.

You know, nancy's tossing me out on my ass.

See, and I finally understand what rodolfo meant when he babbled on about the powerless needing to use their weakness as an advantage.

I just wish that I had something that I could use...

We were right here.

It was so romantic.

Here?

Uh-huh.

Give me your jacket.

You were talking about how lame "footloose" was, and I kept thinking, "when is he gonna jump me?"

Oh, I loved "footloose."

That's judah's gay brother talking.

I mean, pfft.

q*eer bait... All the dancing.

h*m*-city.

Oh! Oh, judah, you're so f*cking boss!

Mm-hmm! Oh, judah, stick it in me!

Wow. You really just said that.

Judah, bork me with your hot tool!

And you said that, too.

I-is anything wrong?

Should I suck you?

Oh, no, no, no, that's...

I mean, that's not...

That's not what we did.

Oh, you're right. I-i was like this.

Come on, judah. Make me a woman.

Uh, maybe we should save ourselves.

You want that money or don't you?

You know what i... Want.

Judah!

Copenhagen. Copenhagen.

Copenhagen. Copenhagen.

Copenhagen.

Oh.

What do you know? Imagination.

Okay. Oh, judah, yes.

Oh, god. Copenhagen, copenhagen.

Oh, judah, yes. Judah, judah, judah!

Copenhagen, copenhagen, copenhagen...

Bork me! Bork me! Bork me! Bork me!

Copenhagen.

Oh, judah, yes.

Hi. Nancy botwin.

I'm shane's mother.

Um, could you... Put down the bat?

Thanks.

We brought back your instrument thingy.

Intact.

And, um, a replacement animal companion.

It's an iguana. They eat greens and fruits.

Birds carry germs.

It's a major turn-off for the ladies.

I brought back your roller skates, sunglasses.

I'm gonna have to give you an i.o.u. On the video thing.

Anyway, shane?

I'm sorry I k*lled your cockatoo.

He was an innocent casualty of youthful vengeance.

He taught me a valuable lesson about the destructive power of firearms?

So his death was not in vain.

You're getting an "f." Now get the f*ck out.

Okay, that wasn't necessary.

You k*lled seacrest. And he apologized.

Get the f*ck out of my apartment!

Oh, that was dumb. That was really dumb.

What the f*ck... What are you doing?

Mom?

Stealing from students is a no-no.

It's unseemly, not to mention gross abuse of your position.

You're never gonna do it again, are you?

I won't. I'm sorry.

Can I kick him? No, sweetie.

By the way, you're grounded...

No video games, no... Tweetering, nothing electronic.

It's desensitizing.

Puts you out of touch with your humanity.

You can't afford that.

Remember... Fruits and greens. Take care of him.

This could be a whole new start for you.

I'm going into your house to take a bath.

Try it, and the toaster goes in with you.

Do you want to know what I did tonight?

I watched a dead body get removed from your old coldspot and sealed into a barrel of acid.

Do you know, those guys were so sweet.

They even let me take some choice photos before they left.

Look... It's nancy's house.

So, yes, I think that I will be taking that bath, and, also, I think I'll be living in that garage for as long as I want.

Oh, and I'll need some cash to fix the place up.

I hear ikea's having a tent sale.

Selfish pregnant c**t.

Good night.

They're dead.

All dead.

Snuffed out!

Bunnies.

Ah, slugs.

Little black f*cking slugs!

They're everywhere.

It's an inside job.

I put barriers up.

They just... Slipped right through.

I got the money.

There's a lot.

What? How?

It doesn't matter.

It just...

I need a shower. I need to be sandblasted.

I need a hug.

The point is, I have it.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, andy.

It isn't safe here anymore.

It's all wrong.

You know celia's living in the garage?

Yes.

We had a nice long conversation about what happens when flesh hits acid.

Why is f*cking armageddon always coming down on me?

You do it.

You do know that.

You have to know that it's all you.

Forget van nuys.

Keep the baby.

It does not matter.

But we leave.

Shane did something so...

That's why we have to go. It's not safe here.

Even your plants.

But esteban...

Leave him a note.

A note?!

Write him a note, like the olden times.

Break his heart in ink.

He will understand if he loves you.

I do have nice handwriting.

And in the morning, we go.

I'll throw some ambien in ignacio's smoothie, and we hit the road as soon as his eyes close, okay?

Oh, andy...

And then tomorrow night, we're someplace new.

It doesn't even have to be copenhagen.

It can be f*cking... Van nuys.

Wherever!

We're a family.

And then we're done with all this, and we'll be safe.

I know that I'm just, you know...

I'm andy, but...

We could be more. I would like to try.

Okay?

Okay.