05x04 - Fraternity Row

[bunniefuu]

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Hey, Lisa from -B, care
to join my study group?

Why are you
studying in the hall?

So I can talk to girls.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Knock yourself out.

You're pretty.
Back at you.

Hey, thank you.

Hey, Jack.

Please tell me you were just trying
to get out of a traffic ticket.

Will you stop? I passed by the
Gamma Epsilon fraternity.

There's a big party. All the
girls were there, so I pledged.

Yeah, but doesn't that make you
feel, like, humiliated, man?

Yes, it does. I paid
$ for this dress.

I'm never going to
get to wear it again.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS)
College is easy.

So I guess this is where
Eric and Jack study, huh?

Study? Oh, my dear,
sweet, little Cory.

Let me show you what college
is all about, okay?

Hi. I'm Shawn Hunter.

Jennifer Crane from -B.
You guys live here?

I do indeedy.

That's college talk.

So, how do you
like Pennbrook?

Oh, no, no.
Shawn doesn't go to...

I love Pennbrook.

Old buildings,
pretty girls.

So you're taking Introduction
to Western Philosophy?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Yes, I am.

Another relationship
starting off on a lie.

So, I'll see you in class tomorrow?
Okay.

I'll save you a seat.

Would you look at that?

First day of college,
and I got me a girlfriend.

Now, who can tell me what's
wrong with that sentence?

I can.

I know, Miss Lawrence,
but you're already for .

Oh, why don't we
try Mr. Matthews?

Mmm, he won't
know this one.

Mr. Matthews?

She's for .

You know,
I'm not surprised

that no one knows the
answer to that question.

I do.

Many of you have
forgotten the basics.

Now, this is alarming because you'll
be entering college next fall...

Mr. Hunter?
Huh?

Clipping coupons?

Yep. Odor-Eaters.
$ . for a dozen,

and my Christmas
shopping is done.

This is your senior year,
your last chance, Mr. Hunter.

If you don't
apply yourself now,

how do you expect
to make it in college?

I don't.

(BELL RINGS)

Uh, Mr. Feeny.

Listen, I'm worried
about Shawn.

Isn't there anything
you can do to help him?

I've been trying
for four years.

What more would you have
me do, Mr. Matthews?

Hi. Major fraternity
party Friday night.

I'm the head cheese
at the fraternity,

and I can't wait
to see you all there.

Singles only, okay? No children.
Great. I'll see you.

Fraternity party! Fraternity
party, Friday night! Hey, buddy.

Eric, this fraternity
party's at our apartment.

Yes, it is. You know,
you were absolutely right.

That hazing was so humiliating,
I came up with my own idea.

I'm going to start
a fraternity of my own.

That way, the girls
will come to me.

I don't have to
wear a dress anymore.

Unless, you know,
I want to.

When the dean finds out
what you're doing, man,

he's gonna kick
you out of school.

No! See,
the dean adores me.

Why are you in my
college hallway?

I'm passing out flyers.

Everybody's got a flyer.

If it ain't the chess guys,
it's the drama freaks.

Save this,
conserve that.

Ever since Kinko's opened,
everybody's flyer crazy.

I think you're going to
like this one, buddy.

Good old-fashioned
fraternity party.

And it's all his idea. I'm on
my way to the library, sir.

Why is your name on it?

Why is my name on it?

We're the founding members.

What's the name
of your fraternity?

It's...

It's Magnum Pi.

Started at the
University of Hawaii.

Hey!

You ever heard
of this Magnum Pi?

Get out of here.

He's not right
in the head.

Hey, Topanga, listen,
I'm glad you're here.

Feeny's on the warpath because
Shawn's cutting classes,

so I'm writing an excuse
from Shawn's parents.

How do you
spell Shawn?

You don't know how to spell
your best friend's name?

Well, we're phone people.
Is it S-H-A-W-N or S-E-A-N?

It's S-H-A-W-N,
and where is he?

Jennifer.

Hi, Shawn. Come down here.
I saved a seat for you.

No. Why don't you come on
and sit in the back?

You, stop talking and
take a seat down here.

When we left off yesterday,

we were analyzing French philosopher
Jacques Buridan's paradox.

A hungry dog is
placed an equal distance

between two bowls containing
equal amounts of food.

Which does he choose?

Not me. Not me.

Jennifer.

Buridan concluded that the
dog would starve to death,

implying that we
can only choose that

which our reason tells
us is the greater good.

Refute this argument using
dialectic reasoning. You.

Um...

Well, I think the dog would
choose the food on the right.

That's one way to go.
Why not the left?

Okay, the left.

Doesn't really matter. I mean,
anybody would eat something

before they
starved to death.

Did the rest of you see
what he just did there?

He skipped right ahead
to Schopenhauer's theory

that the will to live is the
predominant human trait.

Name?
Shawn.

Non-linear thinking. Good.

Wow! Schopenhauer.

That's like
graduate level.

Really?

I like the way
your mind works.

Free will.
Want to take a shot?

Do I really
have a choice?

Ooh!

I got to take five.

Shawnie. Hey, finally working on
your paper for Feeny's class, huh?

Actually, I'm writing a
biography on Schopenhauer.

The comic
or the singer?

The philosopher.

But, you know, I wouldn't
expect you to know that.

It's not stuff that they
cover in high school.

You're still pretending
to be in college,

so you can impress
that girl Jennifer, huh?

Cory, this isn't
even about her anymore.

I like philosophy,
and I'm good at it.

Yeah, but, Shawn,
we always said

that we're gonna end
up in college together.

I mean, if you don't
finish high school,

that's never
going to happen.

I'm already in college. Obviously,
I don't need high school.

(BELL RINGS)

We got Feeny,
okay? Let's go.

Cory, Cory, no, come on. I got
to write my philosophy paper.

Okay, fine, but that's
it, Shawn, all right?

I will not compromise my name
and cover for you again.

Mr. Matthews,

where is Mr. Hunter?

Alaska?

That remark will cost
you a -word essay.

Mr. Feeny, come on, I'm just
trying to help out a friend here.

Make that , words on what
helping out a friend really means.

Mr. Feeny, don't you think you're
being a little harsh on Cory?

I mean, he waters your plants
when you're out of town.

Two thousand words.

That's not fair. He
didn't even say anything.

Miss Lawrence, you just bought the
entire class the same assignment.

(ALL GROAN)

And I want it
by tomorrow.

ALL: Oh! What?

Now, perhaps someone can
tell me where Mr. Hunter is.

Excuse me.

I don't know if this makes up for
anything, but lunch is on us, huh?

Mr. Hunter, class has begun.
I suggest you join us.

Thanks for the invite, but
I've got to finish this paper.

I'm not asking you,
Mr. Hunter.

This is high school.

I'm the teacher and
you're the student.

Well, that certainly
is one point of view,

but I believe that there's
still room for discussion.

Are you refusing
to come to class?

No, I am not refusing.

I am exercising
my free will.

Then I will exercise mine.
You are hereby suspended.

End of discussion.

Suspended students are
not allowed in school.

Now, I have a room full of
students who want to learn,

so good day,
Mr. Hunter.

CORY: Shawn.

How could you
do this to him?

This is his senior year.
How can you suspend him?

He suspended himself.

If he wants to
join all the others

who failed to live
up to their potential,

that is his choice.

But it's Shawn.

Yes, I know.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

I don't want to
talk about it, okay?

Yeah, well, I do. You took
that out of my closet.

I'm pledging Omega,
all right?

The dean thinks
I'm in a fraternity,

let him think I'm
in a real fraternity.

I love him, okay?
And he loves me.

Eric, he doesn't
love you.

Oh, yeah?
If he doesn't love me,

how come he's coming to see
me right now, then, hmm?

Eric. Hi, Shelly.

Listen, Matthews, I
happen to have a niece

who attends the University
of Hawaii in Oahu,

and she has no knowledge
of this Magnum Pi.

What do you
make of that?

Well, we have
no Oahu chapter.

However, we are very big on the
island of Humina Humina Humina Who.

How are you funded?

Alumni.

I want names. You!

I don't know.

You're out of school.

Famous celebrity alumni.

Well, I would
love to know who.

Love to know who. Love.

Love... Love Boat.

The Love Boat's Ted Lange
and Bernie Kopell, sir.

(LAUGHS)
Oh! What fun!

Well, I'll look forward to meeting
them at your fraternity party.

And as soon as you started
talking, I knew you were Jack.

Come inside,
you hussy.

Look, not everybody is going
to get Nietzsche right away.

The key is to read it
in its original German.

Tutor me.

(DOOR OPENS)

Okay. Today we're going
to explore structuralism.

Psst, hey!

What are you
doing here?

Listen, you've got to come
back and talk to Feeny, okay?

This is nonsense.
You don't belong here.

You! Oh, my God, I've been hit.

Life, mortality, existence.
What are your thoughts?

Oh, I'm just visiting.

Oh. Like in,
"We're all just visiting."

Yes. Yes. Exactly.

That's bull!

See? This is what happens
in philosophy class.

You throw out a few cliches, and I'm
supposed to be impressed. I'm not!

I wish I wasn't here.

Now, see? That's a
good starting point.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I just
get a little frustrated.

I look at you
and wonder

how many of you should
still be in high school.

Here are your papers.

Listen, are you going
to come back or not?

Cory, I belong here.

Shawn, I was very
surprised by yours.

Yes, sir.

I was expecting a scholarly
work of real accomplishment.

An "F."

I didn't even
get yours.

I don't believe this.

Listen, Shawn, it's okay. I mean,
you're not in this class anyway.

No, no, this has got to be a mistake.
I really know this stuff.

I've got to talk to him.

Excuse me, Professor.

I worked really hard on this paper.
I don't understand.

Shawn, except for a few promising
ideas, it was poorly written.

It was disorganized
and sloppily researched.

But you said
I had a good mind.

You do.
But you're in college.

You're supposed
to know the basics.

I don't have time
to teach them to you.

Okay, class,
let's move on.

I don't belong
in high school.

I don't belong
in college.

Listen, talk to Feeny.

You!

Schopenhauer.

Me.

Leaving.

Yeah, it's good to
have you on board, Jack.

Yeah, well, the only
reason I'm here

is because as long
as I wore that dress,

I couldn't
shake the dean.

Then let the fraternity
party games begin.

Girls, to the closet.

All right.

Freeze!

You two think I'm a
clown, don't you?

Dean Bozo!

Well, it's been
fun toying with you,

but now I'm bored.

We all know
there's no Magnum Pi,

but what really
fries my dean butt

is you promised I'd get
a chance to mingle

with The Love Boat's
Ted Lange and Bernie Kopell.

Jack, take my
hand and pray.

What are you, scared, man?
You're not?

Not at all.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Can I fix
anybody a drink?

Ted!

Look, Dean,
The Love Boat guys.

Why do you always have
to do the finger thing?

'Cause I know
you hate it.

You still resent me for
outranking you on the boat.

Bernie, you do know that you're
not a real doctor, right?

You called them?

Of course
I called them, man.

I want to live. I want
to stay in school.

Ted Lange, Bernie Kopell, I'm the
dean here at Pennbrook University.

A fan
from way back.

As the two most prominent
celebrity alumni of Magnum Pi,

we would like to say we couldn't be
prouder of our Pennbrook chapter

and the dean
who supports it.

Can I fix
anybody a drink?

They have drinks,
and it's getting old.

Boys, you both proved
something to me today.

I was drunk when I hired
the dean of admissions.

You poodles
actually believe

that I'd be impressed by a
couple of guys from Love Boat?

No offense.
Big fan.

Hey, we don't care.
We get paid either way.

All right, boys,

first thing tomorrow morning,
consider Magnum Pi closed.

Right now, Bernie and Ted, you're
coming home to meet my mom.

We ordinarily do just
one appearance a night.

She's a big
Get Smart fan.

Well, I don't suppose it
would k*ll us to stop by.

Bernie, you know
you're not the head

of a secret organization
known as KAOS, right?

(BOTH SIGH)

Well, Jack,
tomorrow we're closed.

But tonight,
we're open.

Ladies...

To the closet!

George, hi.

We just got back
from Glaciers.

You in the mood
for a yogurt?

Why can't I
offer him a yogurt?

Do you not understand
the concept of a whisper?

I think this might
have something to do

with my suspending
Shawn Hunter.

You suspended Shawn?

Can you believe that?

Shawn's senior year.
His most important year,

and Feeny suspends him.

Mr. Matthews, Shawn was skipping
class, mouthing off to me.

He practically asked
to be suspended. Fine.

Okay, fine.
But this is Shawn here.

Every year, I watch bright kids
like Shawn fall through the cracks.

How do you
think it feels?

Cory, this isn't
Mr. Feeny's fault.

You should give
him another chance.

He's given me
plenty of chances.

Look, Mr. Feeny, I...

I didn't treat you with the
respect that you deserve.

Come on, let's take
these yogurts inside.

Are you asking to come
back to school, Shawn?

Yes. Yes, he is. He is.

I shouldn't be wasting
any of Mr. Feeny's time.

You've never wasted
any of my time.

Mr. Feeny, did you know that Shawn's
taking college courses at Pennbrook?

Is that right, Shawn?

I guess it's like
Buridan's paradox.

There were two bowls
placed in front of me.

One was high school
and one was college.

I chose college.

Why don't you
show him your paper?

It's no good.

May I read it?

It's just an "F."

You know, another "F"
to add to the scrapbook.

Well, I can see you have
some grammar problems here.

And the structure
is way off.

This entire paper
is in one sentence.

But it's good.

Clearly, college level.

Really?

'Cause, you know, I was
kind of enjoying college.

For the first time,
I saw myself there.

I always
saw you there.

So did I.

But, Shawn, you must
come back to class.

You have to learn the basics, and
I'm going to keep teaching it.

That is my philosophy.

And every now and then, I'll throw
in a little Schopenhauer for you.

What do you know
about Schopenhauer?

Probably not as
much as you do,

but I'm willing
to learn.

So, Bernie, Ted, don't
you just love my family?

Oh! We had
a wonderful evening.

You're really
delightful people,

but we really should be
heading back to the airport.

Oh, nonsense! Come
on, one more story.

It's not every day we get to meet a
couple celebrities from the TV, huh?

Okay.

One more story.

When Cory was seven, he
fell off of his bicycle...

The tooth fairy story.

That's a good one.

With the teeth.
We already heard this one.

When?

Six hours ago. For the
love of God, let us go!

No, you sit.
My son paid you.

You sit and you listen
to my wife's stories.

Bernie, I'm scared.

Love Boat stalkers.

How'd you like
to live here?

Anyway, Cory looked
under his pillow.

But that's not
the story.

This is the story.

ALL: This is so good.

(ALL CHATTERING)