"Cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
For tonight?
Yeah. Well, sure. I guess I can come up with something.
Well, what's the problem there, wood?
Well, my theater group's auditioning for our spring production. They want us each to get up and perform.
Hmm. Got any suggestions?
Why don't you do a dramatic monologue?
I hear Shakespeare's quite good.
Or perhaps a classic like rostand's "cyrano de bergerac."
Well, how about "Richard ii?"
"This royal throne of kings, "this scepter'd isle, "this earth of majesty, "this seat of Mars, "this other Eden...
Demi-paradise..."
And so forth, you know.
All right!
Yes, I essayed the role at university.
Well, I played cyrano in college.
Yeah.
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, "with fruit, with weeds even, "but gather them in the one garden you may call your own."
"This precious stone set in the silver sea, "which serves it in the office of a wall
"or as a moat defensive to a house, "against the envy of less happier lands, "this blessed plot, this earth, this realm...
This england."
[All cheering]
"I am too proud
"to be a parasite.
"And in my nature wants the germ that grows
"towering to heaven like the mountain pine, "or like the oak, sheltering multitudes.
"I stand, not high it may be, but alone."
[Cheers and applause]
Hey, uh, thank you Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane.
But I think I'm just going to go with what I had planned.
What's that, wood?
This.
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, guys, I'm in the chorus of our theater's spring musical.
Hey!
Was it the butt walk that did it?
Well, it must be.
All the other butt walkers got in, too.
A guy who could pull his lower lip up over his nose got one of the leads.
What's the musical you're doing?
We're dusting off one of the old classics.
Matter of fact, I got to start boning up on the period.
Really? I love the classic musicals.
Which one you doing? "Oklahoma?" "South pacific?"
No. Something called, uh, "hair."
Hey, Dr. Crane, what was it like to be alive during the 1960s?
Well, I don't remember much, Woody.
I was too busy taming the west.
Woody.
Are you really doing "hair?" Yeah.
How do you feel about doing that nude scene?
What are you talking about, Ms. Howe?
The nude scene.
I was in a production of "hair" when I was in college.
There is this very famous scene where everybody takes off their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, it's not like I just fell off the turnip truck.
That happened years ago.
Now back then, I might have believed this nude scene business.
Actually, I guess I would have believed anything after being dragged 300 yards down a gravel road into a rosebush.
Jeez, Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood that you can cling to?
The roses smelled nice.
Woody, I'm not kidding. There is a nude scene.
There it is, it's right at the end of act I.
It's a very famous number.
Everybody takes off all their clothes.
Come on, Ms. Howe, if everybody gets naked in this thing, how come they put me in charge of the costumes?
Ah, got me there, Woody.
Hi, guys.
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, how'd the reading of Eddie's will go?
Well, fine.
It took this long to read Eddie's will?
Yeah. Well, Eddie named one of his hockey buddies executor of the will.
So the whole thing took awhile. Why?
He forgot where he put it.
Pretty tough on you, huh?
Well, I'm comforted to know that he left his other widow Gloria a hundred bucks.
And I got the rest of his estate.
Well, that's great. What did you get?
I got the bill from his funeral, I got the bill from his headstone, and all in all, I ended up with a big fat nothing.
It sounds like the other widow made out better than you did.
Well, yes and no.
She got the hundred bucks. But when she wasn't looking, I copped her coat. What do you think? Huh? Huh?
[All groaning]
Hey. Give me back my coat, or I'm leaving with your pants.
All right, Carla, give her the coat.
Why are you shaking like that?
You walk all the way over here in the cold?
I had to. My car keys were in my coat pocket.
Not anymore, I dropped them in the nearest mailbox.
You'll get them in six to eight weeks.
Listen, if you're still ticked off about the hundred bucks, you can choke on it.
It's mine. Eddie gave it to me.
Look, I slept with the guy.
I made love to him. I earned at least 50.
Yeah, well, I don't see you giving me any of the stuff he gave you.
I am perfectly willing to give you half of everything Eddie left me.
That'd be half of his debts and half of his funeral and headstone bills, which should work out to somewhere in the neighborhood of 620 bucks.
Here's the 50. Keep the coat.
Thank you. It's nice doing business with you.
Well, I know you'd give me half of whatever Eddie left you.
I would. Absolutely. My word of honor.
Hey, come on, let's go fish those keys out of the mailbox.
You know, how do you break into those things?
Oh. Piece of cake.
First I got to hold you by the ankles, see? Right.
Hey, miss howe, I'm on page 30. No one's gotten nude yet.
Woody, there is a nude scene in "hair". No one could miss it.
[Glass breaking]
Oh, no! Not even Woody.
Sorry, miss howe. I just broke a glass.
I'll clean it up in a second, all right?
Ha ha. Nude scene.
Oh, hey, Woody, you dropped your script.
I hope I didn't lose your place.
I think you were right around this nude scene.
Oh, thanks.
[Screaming]
Got any michelob down there, Woody?
Checking, Sam.
Wood, how much longer are you going to keep this up?
Till I get used to it.
Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little bit at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure, then pretty soon, I can get naked anywhere.
You're making progress, huh, wood?
You bet. I mean, I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscious as all get-out, but I did pick up an extra 50 in tips.
Hey.
Man.
It's interesting is, as human beings, the most evolved species of the animal kingdom, we should assign such victorian notions as guilt and shame to something as beautiful as the human body.
You know, even Lilith, for example, still gets undressed in the dark.
Oh, come on.
A woman with all Lilith's psychiatric training still has hang-ups about nudity?
Actually, it was my suggestion.
Hi, guys.
How do you like my hair?
Oh, it's just stunning. What, did you get a new rake?
For your information, Gloria did my hair, and I did hers.
Yeah? Where's Gloria now?
She's at the beauty parlor trying to get some color back into hers.
I don't know went wrong.
I mean, that stuff worked great on those old jeans, you know.
You know, Carla, the last time you and Gloria got together, the two of you were at each other's throats.
I mean, all of a sudden, you're palling around like you were mutt and Jeff.
You being Jeff, of course.
We're not exactly palling around.
She's just staying at my place until she goes back to kenosha.
Carla, you got a letter here.
Looks kind of official.
You know what? I would venture to say that Carla has finally found a friend.
It sort of put me in mind of the relationship you seem to have with cliff, norm.
Yeah.
Hey, where is he tonight, anyway?
I don't know.
He said something about going in the hospital.
Bring me another beer, Sam?
All right, all right!
I'll give him a call, or I'll stop by, or I'll ask him about it when he comes back.
Hey, listen to this, everybody.
Apparently, the ice show Eddie skated in had an accidental death policy, and I'm Eddie's beneficiary, which is to say that Carla lozoponi tortelli lebec is now worth a cool $50,000.
What?!
It means I'm rich, I'm telling you! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
I'm rich! I'm rich!
Sam, I'm rich!
Oh, my god, I'm rich!
I'm rich. Oh!
I can't believe this! Look at you!
Can you imagine what you can buy with $25,000?
25? I said 50!
I'm rich! Come here, you big lug!
I'm rich!
Well, hold it. The whole point is, honey...
Listen to me.
You made an agreement there to split the estate with Gloria.
Who?
Gloria.
Gloria? Yeah.
Oh...
Poor Gloria.
Poor Gloria...
Is not here right now and must never, ever find out.
Wait a minute, Carla, this doesn't seem exactly right.
Ok, then try this.
Poor Gloria, who isn't here right now to see me buy a round of beers for all my friends.
To poor Gloria!
[All cheering]
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ which nobody can deny ♪ Carla, another round, please.
Bite my Francis.
♪ For she's a tightfisted widow ♪
♪ for she's a tightfisted... ♪ Hey, come here, listen.
$50,000 is a lot of money.
You sure you don't want to split that with your best pal?
Oh, you mean Gloria?
Look, it's her own fault.
If she'd been here two minutes ago, she'd have got a free beer.
Carla, we were all witnesses when you gave your word of honor that you'd split anything he left you 50-50.
My word of honor?
If you don't shut up, I'll splityou50-50.
Carla, you're getting defensive.
I have a feeling that maybe deep down inside, you're beginning to feel a little bit guilty.
Hey, look, if I feel guilty, it's my business.
Well, all right, suit yourself.
It's the worst thing a person can do, keep guilt inside.
Has an insidious way of bringing itself to the surface.
Sure, what do you think's going to happen...
Suddenly I'm going to come down with a severe case of the shakes?
Yes, exactly my point.
Well, I did it on purpose, you quack.
Hey, guys.
Here I go.
Off to my dress rehearsal.
[Chuckles] Dress rehearsal.
What bitter irony.
Now listen, Woody, when you take off your clothes on that stage, it's not exhibitionism.
You are becoming a part of the rich heritage of the theater.
You're joining a continuum that stretches back from Shakespeare to the Greeks to the romans and all the way back into the endless mists of time.
Gee, I never thought about it that way, Dr. Crane.
Really? I had.
Well, maybe I am making too much of this.
You know, it's not like they're forcing us to take our clothes off.
In fact, the director said that we only have to take our clothes off if the spirit moves us.
Well, what's your problem?
You know, we are, after all, born naked, Woody.
And it's man's natural state.
I mean, you and I are both naked underneath our clothes.
Dr. Crane, you're a married man.
Perhaps I'd do better to have a little chat with this gentleman here.
Hey, norm, did you ever find out what happened to cliffie?
Uh, yeah, yeah. It turns out it was the hospital.
He, uh, had a little minor surgery.
No big deal. Yeah, he'll be back in a couple days.
How's he feeling? I'll tell you what, he's on the phone there. Why don't you ask him yourself.
Cliffie, is that you?
[Chuckles]
Hey, well...
Oh, yeah, yeah, I bet it does hurt to have those things cauterized, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Hi, Carla.
Look, I got my hair back to its original shade.
Great. Yeah.
They had stuff left over, so they did my purse to match.
I got one done for you, too. Here, catch.
See you back at your house.
Well, that was nice of Gloria.
Now, every time you open your purse, you can think about her.
Just leave me alone. I got work to do, ok?
Sam, did we send something to Woody for opening night?
Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact, we were going to send him flowers and candy, but that's so impersonal.
We sent him a very nice wristwatch.
A watch?
17 jewels, leather band.
Whoa! Yeah.
How much did that cost?
Actually, nothing.
We got it out of the lost and found.
And it had been in there 30 days, ok?
It was under a lot of stuff, but...
Uh, can we get a couple beers, miss?
Yeah, couple beers, Sam.
Coming up here, sweetheart.
How are you feeling, huh?
Fine. Fine. No problem.
Everything is perfectly ok with me.
Good. There you go.
That'll be three bucks.
Come here.
This has been going on for a week and it's not getting any better.
Now I think we all know why you're shaking like this. I mean, admit it.
You're walking around carrying a very big load.
You bet, and I got it strapped around me in cash.
No. I meant guilt.
Really? Wow, can I see it?
Well, my friends, you have missed a once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening in the history of community theater.
Did Woody chicken out?
Oh, no, indeed.
Why didn't you stop me, Mr. Peterson?
Why didn't anybody stop me?
Woody, what happened?
Well, last week during rehearsal I kept thinking, "why am I the only one who's afraid to get naked?
Why am I the only one who's ashamed?"
So tonight when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing.
And I looked around and I thought, "why am I the only one who's naked?"
Well, maybe nobody noticed, wood.
Oh, they noticed, Sam.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "hey, look. He's the only one who's naked."
Sorry, wood. You took me by surprise.
Well, at least the evening wasn't a total disaster.
I was really touched by this nice watch you guys gave me.
I needed one, too.
I lost one just like it about a month ago.
Can I have a beer?
Yeah. Beer, Sam.
Look at this, Sam.
I don't need the use of my hands.
I rigged my tray so I can do my job perfectly.
That's my beer?
Yeah. Take it yourself.
And don't forget my tip.
If you're going to put it in there that far, there'd better be a ring with it.
Well, I'm perfectly ok, Sam.
I think I'm going to make it.
I just have to hang in there for another three days, and Gloria will be on that bus back to kenosha, and all my problems will be solved.
Now wait a minute, are you saying that it's her fault that you're shaking?
Of course she is.
It's all part of her fiendish plan.
Why would she have a fiendish plan?
Because she knows all about the insurance money.
How do you know she knows?
Because she acts like she doesn't know!
That's how I know she knows.
Do you want to hear an example of what this cruel woman is trying to do to break my spirit?
She's being nice.
You know what she did last night?
She did eight loads of laundry, and I don't have a washer and dryer.
Carla.
Carla, what are you doing here?
I told you to stay home today.
I've been worried sick about the way you've been shaking.
I want you to go home right now and get some rest.
I left a pot of minestrone on the stove.
Are you from hell?
And I don't want you to worry about missing your pay here, because I'm going to finish your shift.
You are from hell. She is, she's from hell, Sam.
From hell. Calm down...
No! No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
You know about the money! Admit it!
You know! I know you know!
Oh, why are you torturing me like this?
All right, all right, here it is. Here it is.
Here's half of the 50,000 bucks from Eddie's insurance money.
Here. Take it!
Eddie had insurance money?
I didn't know that.
Give me that!
Oh, my god.
Oh, the hell with it. Here. Take it.
Great. I'm not shaking anymore.
I can go back to hustling drinks.
Oh, joy.
So that's why you were shaking?
Because your conscience was bothering you, and now out of the goodness of your heart, you're giving me all this money even though it's rightfully yours?
That's right, Gloria.
What a chump.
What?
Just because of a little shaking.
Huh. No wonder Eddie wanted another wife.
I don't care what she says.
I know in my heart that I did the right thing.
Besides, I still got 25,000 bucks. Yeah.
I mean, that can buy a lot of things, you know?
Yeah, you bet. You know, I'm proud of you, too.
So what are you going to buy first?
A big, expensive car, so the next time I see her, I can run the slut down.