Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Buon giorno, norm.
Cliffy.
Yeah, kind of bright out there today, huh?
I wouldn't know.
Yeah...
Feel sorry for all those people who have to squint.
Ahh... say, cliff, those wouldn't be new glasses, would they?
Oh, hey, noticed, huh?
Yeah, Italian imports. 65 smackeroonies.
That's right. Notice the sleek European styling there, the sturdy, reinforced frames, the high-tech, shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without drawing attention to myself.
You can walk up to 'em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
Yeah? What would you know?
It'll only work on women.
Ooh, they seem to have given you courage.
Prove it.
Well, what do you mean?
I wouldn't mind seeing a little demonstration myself.
All right, all right.
All right.
You got the shades. What are you worrying about?
Come on, come on.
Ahem. Uh, excuse me.
Oh, perfect.
Thanks.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
I don't care what anybody says.
We had better chatter out there.
Shut up, cliff.
Sounds suspiciously as if there is no joy in mudville.
Who gives a damn? We lost.
We didn't lose. We got dumped on.
We were dragged by our noses through the dung heap.
They ripped out our guts, held them up for us to see, and then they rammed 'em down our throats.
Ahh, it's a grand old game.
Damn. Now I know why they weren't afraid to let me play.
They were great out there.
They were like the '27 Yankees.
He's exaggerating. There were only 9 of 'em.
Come on, guys, we can't just sit around and cry in our beer here.
Norman's right.
We don't have any. Come on, Diane, step on it, will ya?
I feel a tear welling up here.
All right, what the hell? First round on the house.
Hey, Sam...
Yeah, well, if you think I'm drinking with you guys, you're nuts.
I'd rather drink with those snail pellets from Gary's old towne tavern.
At least they're winners.
That really hurts, Carla.
I don't think we played so bad.
Oh, listen to Mr. Gold glove over here. Come on.
Yeah? You drew more flies than bad liver.
Aw, gimme a break.
The only thing more amazing than that was that you dropped every one of 'em.
Come on, will ya?
I just have a little problem with balls hit directly at me.
I think it's probably... It's the sun, you know, or that I can't bend over.
Poor Norman.
Well, at least some of us looked good out there, huh?
Yeah, cliff, the less of your face showing, the better.
Listen to yourselves.
You're letting a minor setback in some trivial competition ruin what is an otherwise lovely day.
Bleeeh.
Forget it, Sam.
You just don't get it, do you?
It's not just the guys from Gary's b*at us at basketball, volleyball, darts, and every other sport known to mankind.
It's more than that.
I'm a jock. This is a jock bar, but if we keep losing, all the jocks are gonna say, "hey, cheers is for losers.
Let's go drink over at Gary's."
Oh, they'll never say that.
Oh, they'll never say that. They'll say, "me no like cheers.
Let's go to Gary's."
Gentlemen of cheers.
Oh... And ladies...
Tough game out there today.
What are you doing here?
Boy, you guys had the worst luck.
Yeah, looks like it just followed us home, huh?
Listen, we were over having a celebration at my little tavern, and I kept thinking, "something's missing."
Wasn't as happy as it usually is when we b*at you.
And then I realized what it was.
I didn't get a chance to thank you guys for the game.
So I came over here to do it now.
Way to go.
The pop-up king.
Many thanks.
Great glasses.
Oh, oh...
This is what I was afraid of...
Hard feelings.
What are you talking about?
You guys have nothing to hang your heads about.
You played hard. You played clean. You gave it your all.
Just remember, it takes 2 sides to make a victory...
One side to win and you guys.
Excuse me, but you've obviously come here to belittle my friends.
Why I can only speculate.
Perhaps you're compensating for some physical shortcoming.
But it's tragic that you place such stock in a silly competition.
What of higher attainments? What of loftier pursuits?
What of art and philosophy?
What of music?
I graduated magna cum laude in American literature from Princeton.
Oh? Couldn't make summa?
Hey, look, Gary, you only came here to rub our noses in it.
You've done a great job. Mission accomplished.
Now why don't you take off?
Yeah, take a hike.
But, Sam, I came here in the spirit of sportsmanship.
I'll show you sportsmanship.
[Cliff raspberries]
People, people...
This is neither the time nor the place for such childish behavior.
Yeah, let's save it for when we kick his butt.
In what? We're kind of running out of sports, aren't we?
Well, it's really been a truly enjoyable afternoon.
Gentlemen, ladies, see you.
Hey, hey, hey, listen, I'll have you know that I'm putting together a team right this very moment that's gonna have you shaking in those shoes of yours.
Those are nice.
Oh, thanks. And... Is that a challenge?
Yeah.
In what sport?
I'll tell you in what sport.
In, uh...
Bowling.
Yeah, bowling.
Great. I've knocked down a pin or two in my day.
When and where?
I'll just let you know, ok?
Ok.
Ok.
Ok. Ok.
Ok! Ok!
Ok!! Ok!!
Bowling?
Don't worry. I got this theory, Sam.
You see, all those other sports required real athletic ability.
But with bowling, we got the makings of a great team.
Carla...
Listen. You go to any bowling alley, what do you see?
A bunch of out-of-shape couch potatoes who do nothing but sit around and swill beer.
All right, we're number 1!
[All shout and cheer]
Back so soon from the sport of the great unwashed?
How was the audition?
Tryout. Diane, in sports, it's called a tryout.
We got a team.
Yeah, of what I'd like to know.
I'm gonna call Gary and call it off.
I'm telling you, when one lousy bar can't produce 4 decent bowlers, it's time for america to take a long, hard look at itself.
Hey, you!
You don't know anything about bowling, do you?
Hey, woodhead...
I asked you if you know how to bowl.
You have bowled, haven't you?
Yes.
When? When?
B-Before.
Before what?
Before I came to cheers.
You're good, aren't ya?!
Yeah, I won a couple trophies.
Sammy, Sam, Sam, don't call it off.
Wh-what? Hold on a second.
We got a ringer.
We got what?
We got a ringer. Woody. Woody is a bowling machine.
Trust me. He's got a room full of trophies.
Uh, hey, gare. No, we're not wimping out.
Yeah, tomorrow, Vic's bowl-a-rama, we rumble.
Ok. Ok!
Aw, that's...
All right, Woody.
Please don't ask me to bowl. I can't.
Why not?
The tragedy.
W-What tragedy? What tragedy?
Once I maimed a man in a bowling accident.
I'll never bowl again as long as I live.
Great idea, Sam. Bowling.
Ok, uh, it's time to go.
Let's see if we can, you know, maybe, somehow manage not to embarrass ourselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, knute rockne.
Come on. Let's go. I wanna warm up.
Hold on a second, guys.
Say, Woody, still not too late to change your mind.
[All talking at once]
Don't you understand? I maimed a man.
Bowling accidents happen.
You read about them in the paper all the time.
He was only an innocent maintenance man.
Aw, man, he knew the risks.
I still don't know what happened, you know?
One minute, I was picking up the 8-10 split, and the next thing I know, the 10-pin flies and hits old Sully right between the eyes, and he goes down like a sack of wheat.
Sam, I ruined the man's life.
Oh, come on. I'm sure you're exaggerating.
Oh, no... no, I'm not.
Old Sully got too dimwitted to stay in bowling maintenance.
Last I heard, he was a clown at children's birthday parties.
Well, what's wrong with that?
He wasn't invited to them.
Come on, Woody.
Listen, man, I have never begged for anything in my life.
[Clears throat]
That I actually enjoyed once I got it.
Come on, please! Come on.
Join the team here.
We need you, Woody. Come on.
I can't.
Since the accident, I haven't been able to set foot in a bowling alley.
Well, why don't you just try it today?
Maybe the memory's faded.
Hey, you don't understand what's at stake...
Hey, can't you hear me?! No!
Sammy, I'll take a cr*ck at him here.
Listen, man, all right?
Now, every once in a while, you just gotta look beyond yourself, ok, and think about the team.
My old high-school football coach used to always say, "give the ball to Peterson.
He'll know what to do with it."
Well, hey, I didn't want that responsibility, but for the good of the team...
You understand... I took it.
We went ahead, and we had a great season.
Were you the fullback, Mr. Peterson?
No, I was the equipment manager, but that's not what I'm talking...
You're wasting your breath. He ain't bowling.
Think about that, Woody.
Man: All right!
Yeah!
[Chanting] Old towne tavern! Old towne tavern!
Old towne tavern! Old towne tavern!
Quiet, you guys.
Let's show our worthy opponent a little courtesy.
Back off, buster, or I'll put vaseline in your finger holes.
Just try to touch my ball.
I'm talking about your nose.
Choke on it.
Choke on it.
You guys got the cheering under control.
I'm gonna mosey up to the bar for a beer.
Cliff: Hey, you're gonna miss the game, norm.
Then that's a perfect plan, huh?
Hey, cliffy, how we doing?
Uh, 50 pins down.
Sinking like a stone, Sammy.
Bar patrons: Norm!
How the hell do they know him here?
He's got a life, you know.
That's all right, man. That's ok.
Hey, tawny.
Has anyone ever told you you make even bowling shoes look sexy?
Can't you ever stop?
You're fraternizing with the enemy.
No, I'm just trying to distract her here so she won't know what to do.
A little wink, a sexy nod, and a glimpse of these taut, athletic buns.
Oh, wait a second here, tawny.
Oh, what's this?
I think your butt needs a tune-up.
Diane: Sam.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I'm here as a driver only, but I brought someone with me who'd like to bowl.
Woody! Oh!
[Cheering]
Hey, time-out, Gary.
All right. Settle down.
Oh, who's taking care of the bar, here?
Oh, don't worry. We closed it.
We would have been here sooner, but it took a while to get all those people out of there.
Oh, well, great, yeah.
All right, go get some shoes on, here.
[Cheering]
W-What made him change his mind?
I don't know.
He was right in the middle of doing something, and he said, "I can't let the guys down. Let's go."
All right, Woody.
Whoa. How are we gonna do this?
We've already started here.
Cliff, what about your wrist injury?
What injury?
Don't make me hurt you.
Oh. Oh!
Aah! Man: Easy. Easy.
Oh, Gary, we're gonna need an injury substitution here.
Hey, you got it.
The one thing I've never been called is "unfair."
I can believe that's the one thing you've never been called.
All right, well, I'm gonna go fire Woody up.
Ah, the alleys. Thanks.
It's really a sensory experience, you know?
The scent of aqua net on a beehive hairdo.
The roar of polyester against old naugahyde.
The sight of the cigarettes stubbed out in a Patty melt.
All this plus the anticipation of placing your feet in shoes only 7,000 others have worn before you.
Man: Woody! Yeah!
Let's go!
Listen, if this is gonna be tough on you, I want you to know that you don't have to do this, Woody.
Oh, I want to, Sam.
You absolutely sure?
Oh, I'm sure.
Y'all have been like family to me.
I love you guys.
Sam: Ok. All right, Woody.
Yeah, watch this, gare.
Yeah.
If you're having second thoughts, that's ok, pal.
Oh, no. I want to do this.
Ok, I'm ready.
Woody!
Woody?
I wanna do this, Sam.
Remember, I love you guys.
I'm ready, Sam.
It's ok, Woody.
Move, ball.
I don't know what I was worried about.
This is easy. Those guys are dead meat, you know what I'm saying, Sam?
Sit down, Woody.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Whoo!
[Chanting] Old towne tavern!
Old towne tavern! Old towne tavern!
Old towne tavern! Hey!
Nice game, Sam.
Oh, get out of here. We said 2 out of 3, and we're taking you to the wall on this.
That's right.
All right, all of you in favor of saving what shred of dignity we have left by sneaking out of here, raise your hand.
That's one...
Carla: Hey, how come you voted?
You're not even playing.
I thought we were ordering pizza.
Sam, we can't quit.
Listen, Sam, um, maybe we can sweeten the pot a little.
Sam: Get out of here.
No, no, no, no.
If you guys win, I'll set you up with tawny.
Maybe we can talk.
And if we win, you set me up with, uh...
The sweetheart of sigma chi.
Excuse me?
I didn't date sigma chis.
I was phi epsilon delta.
You girls had quite a reputation.
Yes. For academic achievement.
Is that what it was?
Tell me. Isn't it true that "phi epsilon" is Greek for "hi, sailor"?
Give me your shoes.
Give me your shoes!
Hey, uh, Diane, you're bowling?
Yes.
Come on. What, are you any good at this?
Yes!
You whisper a word of this to anyone who matters, I'll find you, and I'll k*ll you.
You think I came by my utter contempt for the sport by accident?!
Hardly.
I took it in college.
You bowled in college?
Yes. I needed the p.E. Credits.
I could read between frames, and you didn't have to run.
I spent 6 semesters sweating in a tawdry bowling alley.
Bowlers don't sweat.
They do when they're wearing tweed.
In spite of my complete disdain for the experience, I have no intention of letting this Ivy league lounge lizard insult me and my sorority sisters and send cheers to ignominious defeat.
Your mama.
[Chanting] Chambers! Chambers! Chambers! Chambers!
Chambers! Chambers! Chambers! Chambers!
Chambers! Chambers!
Thank you! Thank you! Now put me down!
I'm afraid of heights, and someone has very cold hands.
Ok, everybody. Line up. I'm pouring beer!
Hey, I gotta hand it to you, whitey.
For once, you did something that didn't make me want to shove a rat in your mouth and sew your lips shut.
Such praise. I blush.
Congratulations, Sam.
Yeah, thank you.
Uh, excuse me. Continue celebrating.
Huzzah huzzah.
It was a great win, wasn't it, Sam?
Yeah, it was. Thanks to you.
Oh, don't thank me.
I've been amply rewarded just seeing how well you're taking this.
The old Sam Malone would have d*ed before letting a woman salvage his athletic pride.
You've grown.
You know something, I think I have.
Oh, by the way...
Tawny wasn't the only one looking sexy out there in bowling shoes.
Well, thank you.
No. Oh, no, no. I was talking about me.
You know, I'm surprised you didn't mention that.
All right, seriously. Seriously.
Great form out there.
Thank you.
Oh, no, no, I was still talking about me.
All right, all jokes aside here.
Thank you very much for helping me b*at Gary.
Well, I was getting tired of listening to some ignorant blowhard take himself and some stupid competition so seriously.
Boy, he really does that, doesn't he?
No. I was talking about you.