Cliff: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Carla, give me a beer.
Right.
What's the story with Sam?
Isn't he back from Italy yet?
Nah. 3 whole days, and we haven't heard a word.
He just went over there to stop Diane and frasier from getting married.
Don't know what could be taking him so long.
Maybe frasier's still thanking him.
Hey, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane now had a Malone after her name.
Could be, cliffie.
Italy is an awfully darn romantic place.
I almost went there myself on my honeymoon.
Had the plane reservations and the hotel reservations... everything.
What stopped you, norm?
Well, Vera, you know, she insisted on coming.
Bet you want to know how it went in Italy.
Uh, no.
Not really.
How about you, cliffie?
I'm going to tell you anyway.
Got off the plane and I took a cab to the Marino estate where I had been told they were gonna get married, but they wouldn't let me in, so I jumped over the fence and landed in the middle of seven snarling rottweilers.
Rottweilers... comes from the German word...
Cliff, shut up.
Yes, sir.
Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs by diving into a moat.
While the police were fishing me out, I discovered that Diane and frasier decided to get married some place else.
This was right before they threw me in jail.
Jail? Then how did you get out?
Well, uh...
A local landowner bailed me out.
Actually, he didn't bail me out.
There's a different system over there.
He purchased me.
It seems, uh...
It seems his ox d*ed or something.
I really don't want to talk about this anymore.
I'm gonna be in my office.
Oh, yeah.
One more thing.
I am through with that woman forever.
I will never think about, see, or mention her ever again.
And if anyone even uses the words Diane chambers, I will have no other choice but to k*ll that person.
Bravo! Whew!
Wow. Poor guy.
Who is this Diane chambers, anyhow?
Who said that?
Whew! Whew! Ow! Ow! Ow!
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm!
What do you say, norm?
Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.
You seem pretty chipper today.
A few notches up from your usual abysmal.
Thank you, cliffie.
That's because I have a little bit of good news here.
What's that?
You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant?
Congratulate me.
Hey, hey!
That's great!
Have a cigar.
Whoa! I think this calls for some champagne.
Thank you, Sam.
What sex do you want it to be?
Sex? Come on. I thought you just ask for the vintage.
Wait, wait. I see your mistake.
Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try to get her pregnant anymore.
Let's celebrate! Come on! Party!
This is amazing.
Hundreds of bottles.
Red and white wine glasses.
High-grade naugahyde stool covers!
And a brass rail.
And a big city bartender with a joke at the ready.
You from out-of-town?
Ok, I'll bite.
Yeah. I'm from out-of-town.
Can I help you?
That went right over my head.
Excuse me. My name's Woody Boyd.
Woody. Hi. I'm Sam Malone.
Howdy. I'm a friend of coach's. Is he around?
I'm sorry, Woody.
I guess you hadn't heard. No, coach passed away a couple months ago, but yeah, I'd like to think he's still around.
Coach gone.
I can hardly believe it.
Well, he had a lot of friends.
I don't remember him mentioning a Woody.
Oh, we never met.
We were kind of like pen pals.
You exchanged letters?
No, pens.
It was, it was coach's idea.
Oh, well, that... That figures.
Can I get you something to drink here?
Soda pop would be good.
Soda pop. Ok.
See, I got in the habit of writing to the bars in the big city in the hopes of landing a job.
And once I wrote a letter to cheers, and coach answered my letter.
I liked him right away, maybe it was because he was the only one who wrote back to me.
Woody, uh, you say you're looking for work?
Well, actually, I came to Boston on a fact-finding tour.
See, I tend bar back home in Indiana.
Well, it's not a bar exactly.
It's more like a pig sty with a jukebox...
If we had a jukebox.
Carla, uh...
I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd.
Woody, this is Carla tortelli.
Hi, ma'am.
Ma'am?
What's that supposed to mean?
I believe it's a term of respect.
No wonder it sounded so weird.
Who is this guy?
Well, he's a friend of coach's and he's looking for work.
What do you think? You want to give him a try?
Me?
Mr. Malone, this is the proudest day of my life.
I'd work like a sl*ve and I wouldn't take anything more than minimum wage.
And of course, I'd wash your car, and if you ever need someone to just, you know, yell at, I'm your man.
I think we better keep him, Sam.
He wouldn't be safe on the streets.
Thanks, Carla. What the hell?
Woody, come on around here, and we'll check you out.
You won't regret it, Mr. Malone.
I love bartending!
You get behind a bar, and right away strangers are your best friends, you know?
They call you great names like buddy, pal, chief, ace.
Here's your apron, sport.
Sport! Another great one.
But listen, let me make one thing clear.
One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.
Cliffie, next time you try to imitate that helicopter, I think you oughta chalk up the cues before sticking them in your ears.
No kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
Cliff. Norm. Woody Boyd.
Woody's gonna be helping us out around here.
Hey. Hi.
What's your pleasure, gents?
Make it anything you want.
Now, where I come from, all anyone ever drinks is beer.
Beer's fine, but any monkey can pull down a tap.
Why study years to be an ace mixologist just to serve beer after beer after beer?
So what will it be?
Beer.
Same.
So while it's a common belief that the tyrannosaurus Rex was the king of the dinosaurs, as indicated by the appellative "saurus," the smartest of the spiny reptiles was actually the thauapatroid.
Whoo-hoo.
Frasier w. Crane.
The man who won the hand of Diane chambers.
Found out he had to keep the rest of her.
Hello, Carla. Norm. Cliff.
It's been a long time.
We've got a lot of catching up to do, huh?
So what's new?
I couldn't begin to tell you.
Well, that's even better.
What's your pleasure?
My life is devoid of pleasure.
You need a good laugh.
You from out-of-town?
Just give me a whiskey, punk.
Punk! Oh! That's great.
Where's Malone?
I mean, where's my good friend Sam?
Mr. Malone's in his office.
You want me to give him a buzz?
Uh, no, no, no. I'll surprise him.
Oh, by the way, any peculiar noises you hear coming out of that room, don't let it bother you.
It's just a couple of old friends having a little fun together.
Yo. I think my joke loosened him up a little.
Hello, Sam, old buddy.
Frasier.
What the hell are you doing here?
Are you alone?
Yes, I'm alone.
I didn't marry Diane.
You didn't?
No, I didn't.
Does that make you happy?
Well, uh...
I'm happy for you.
Just how did you manage that?
She left me at the altar.
I had just vowed to take her for my wife.
The priest asked her if she would marry me.
She looked around and asked if he was talking to her.
He nodded, and she was gone.
Gee, frasier, that's tough.
She just took off, no explanation or anything?
There was no explanation necessary.
It was you she loved all along.
And it was the thought of you that made me lose her.
The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university and then through the entire Italian countryside.
Everyone knew about it.
Everyone knew about my shame.
No. You must've been imagining that.
Oh, was I?
Do you know that in soccer...
When a player kicks at the ball, misses, and falls down, it's now called a frasier?
That could be a coincidence.
If he's knocked cold, it's called a frasier crane.
I've lost everything, Malone.
My tenure, my practice, and my Diane.
My life is ruined, and it's all your fault.
Now, don't you think someone should pay for that?
If by someone, you mean someone in this room, I can...
I can honestly answer no, I don't.
Oh, come on.
What are you doing?
The g*n's not even loaded.
Certainly, it's loaded.
No, it isn't.
Oh. Of course you know it's not, because frasier crane is a harmless person.
He never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry.
He was never a thr*at to your relationship with Diane, and he's not a thr*at now.
Is that it, Sam?
No, it's just the little holes there are empty.
Once again, you're ahead of me, Sam.
I just hoped to see you quaking in your boots a little bit or something, but you cheated me even of that.
Whew. Boy.
You're really bent out of shape over this, aren't you?
Just out of totally idle curiosity, whatever did happen to Diane?
Well, I was recently informed by my mentor, Dr. Bennett ludlow, whose care I'm now under, incidentally...
And believe me, he's doing a heck of a job.
He told me that she's at St. anselm's Abbey, an hour outside of Boston, with the sisters of the divine severity.
Whoa, wait. You can't be a nun if you've already...
She's not becoming a nun, you idiot!
She's working there.
She's cleaning, serving meals, wearing sackcloth, that sort of thing.
You see, after she left me, Diane embarked upon a spree of decadence in Italy.
I'd hear stories about dancing on tables in cafes, swimming in public fountains, cavorting with counts and soccer players.
Well, now, she's doing penance for la dolce vita.
She's seeking peace.
I hope she's found it.
Diane dancing on table tops?
You mean, my... your... the Diane?
Yes, all of them.
But now listen, Sam.
You won't go and see her, will you?
No!
It would be disaster for everyone.
No, no.
Believe me. I wouldn't do that.
No, I'm over her. You know, if you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her, too.
Oh, I'll forget about her.
I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes, and the birds sing nevermore.
There you go.
Well, I'm sorry about the histrionics, Sam.
Oh, no. You know, it's funny that even through all this, I still think of you as my goombah.
Well, it's best that I get going.
Well, let's do the lunch thing some time.
I'd like that, yeah. Take care.
You won't go see her?
No way. No.
Hi, Diane.
Hi, Sam.
Aah!
Calm... calm down here.
I just popped in to say howdy.
You ok?
What the hell... he... he... heck...
Are you doing here?
I bumped into frasier, and he told me you'd checked into a convent, and I was afraid you got all squirrelly again.
Thank you for your carefully-worded concern, but I assure you I am fine.
Oh, Sam, I was so sorry to hear about the coach.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Not a day goes by when I don't miss him terribly.
Me, too.
What helps me, though, is I always remember what he used to say about the afterlife...
"I hope there's not a lot of stairs."
It's wise in its way.
Sam, you're really gonna have to leave.
It's wrong for you to be here.
All right, all right.
There's something I got to say first, though.
All right, fine, but if they find you, it's your problem.
I'm not covering for you.
You could...
Sister Catherine...
Have you met the rice inspector?
The rice inspector sent by the archdiocese to inspect the rice, which is what they do.
Uh, yes, very good.
Sam, what is it?
Tell me what you have to say and then leave, please.
Listen, I want you to come back to cheers.
I don't think you belong here, Diane.
No, Sam, I do belong here.
Although I'm not of their order, the sisters took me in, and working here among them has...
Helped me find the peace that had so eluded me.
Besides, if I came back to cheers, it would lead to nothing but terrible problems between you and me.
No, no, it's not like that anymore.
All I feel for you is the concern of a friend, same way I would for, say, norm or a dog.
You say that, but you know our passions always overcome our intentions.
We say it's over, and yet we still end up in each other's arms, hugging and kissing.
Perhaps lightly at first, but...
Then with open mouths, hungry, probing tongues.
Go on, please.
I appreciate the offer, Sam, but I'm needed here, and I need to be here, and I need to be needed here.
You really mean this, don't you?
Yes, I do.
Well, I guess that's what matters.
I guess I better be going.
I recognize one of the ladies, and I think that I'm the reason why she's here in the first place.
I'm glad I got to see you.
Yeah, I'm glad I came.
Turned out kind of nice, huh?
Yes, it was good.
I'm glad we had a chance to end it this way, cleanly, spiritually, free of rancor and sexual tens-tens...
Tension.
Whatever.
Well, this is where it ends, huh?
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Uh... uh...
I swore I'd never tell you this ever, but, uh...
I guess maybe because we're never gonna see each other again, but you always used to accuse me of being an unromantic slob, but you want to know the truth?
When you called me to tell me that you were marrying frasier, I flew on a plane to Italy to stop the wedding.
I guess I thought I was in love with you and that you and I should be married.
Not that I feel that way now, but...
I just thought you ought to know that.
Have a good life. Bye.
Good evening.
Good... good evening, sister Marie.
I heard that the rice inspector was here.
He wasn't the rice inspector.
He was... A man from my past.
Say no more. There's no need to explain.
I feel I must.
I knew you would.
He wanted me to return to the outside to the life I used to know.
Oh, by the way, I hope you like this.
I got a little creative tonight.
Oh, yet again.
Taste it.
At any rate, I told him that I wasn't going to leave, that I'm needed too much here.
Do you think I am, sister? I mean, I feel that I'm ready now to...
Leave, to get on with my life, but I feel so safe here.
What do you think?
Put your faith in god.
I know I'm going to.
Time to do the floors.
These ladies can be so messy.
Rice everywhere.
I haven't done this since I was a child, but... when in Rome...
Now, I know there are far greater problems in the world than mine, but I'm feeling as though I'm at a crossroads, and I was wondering if you could give me a little sign...
To...
Tell me what to do.
Excuse me, hi.
You wouldn't know where a men's room was around here, would you?
Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?
Right now I would, yes.
Just any sign.
Something...
Oh!
Well...
It's not the parting of the red sea.
Oh, that's nit-picking.