Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Mm-mmm. Chekhov.
Nope, norm. Ibsen. It was ibsen.
I'm telling you, it was Chekhov.
I can remember what it was. It was the cherry orchard.
You're full of it. It was ibsen.
It was the master builder.
It was Chekhov. I'm telling you.
Ibsen. Ibsen. Ibsen.
Chekhov. Chekhov.
Ibsen. Ibsen.
Excuse me, I don't mean to stop you by any means, but you are talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik ibsen?
Of course we're talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik ibsen.
Cliffie, listen to me.
Wonderful.
Perhaps I might be of some assistance.
I would love in some small way to contribute to your literary inquiry.
Well, I supposed she can help, huh?
Please, please.
Well, yeah, if anybody can, you can.
I'd like to think so.
Ok. What were you watching on TV that night that norm stuffed his face full of cheese doodles and whistled the way we were?
Ibsen, and it was taco chips.
Pay up. Let's go.
All right, all right. Now that I think of it, I guess it was Chekhov and cheese doodles the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove he could comb his hair with his feet.
Yeah, you're on thin ice arguing the classics with me there, buckaroo.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, Sammy, long time!
Hey, it has been a long time. How you been, huh?
About the same. And you?
Well, you know me, I never change.
What will you have?
I'll have my usual.
Woo! You still drinking that stuff?
Yeah.
Who is that guy?
I don't know. He's your friend.
I've never seen him. Any of you guys know him?
Trust me, Sam, the man's never been in this place before.
I'm good at placing faces.
Yeah? Then place yours where we can't see it.
Wish coach were here. He'd know who he was.
Where is the coach?
He went to get his driver's license renewed.
He'll be back next week.
What's taking him so long?
He went up to Vermont.
He heard the test was a lot easier up there.
Sam, why don't you just ask this man what his name is?
It's better one minute of embarrassment than making a fool of yourself.
Nah. Too easy. I can handle this.
You know how good I am at thinking on my feet.
Well, I have seen you add and subtract on them.
Subtraction must kinda hurt.
Watch and learn.
Hey, instead of your usual, I thought you might like a Manhattan here, huh?
Well, a Manhattan is my usual.
Gotcha.
Aw.
Hey, uh, how's the work doing, huh?
Uh, fine.
You still working the same place?
What was the name of that? It's got a real funny name.
My house.
My house, right.
Yeah, I still get a kick out of that.
Yeah, I'm still working the same crummy job stuffing envelopes, but I'm glad you find that funny.
I didn't mean funny in the humorous sense.
I meant funny more in the...
Who the hell are you?
I'm Eddie Gordon.
Eddie Gordon.
I... I don't know who Eddie Gordon is.
Well, you should. About a year ago you bet me your bar that you could marry Jacqueline bisset by midnight tomorrow.
I bet... oh, come on.
Who the hell... oh, Eddie Gordon.
How the hell you doing, Eddie?
It coming back to you, Sam?
Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy.
I had a few too many that night.
No, no. You had a lot too many that night.
Well, I was goin' through a pretty rough period.
So, how are you and Jackie getting along?
You know, I felt a little slighted when I wasn't invited to the wedding.
Ha ha! Boy, I must have been drinking Tequila, huh?
Yeah, I always want Jacqueline bisset when I drink Tequila.
But I bet you don't always write it down, signing your name in front of witnesses.
Did that, too, huh?
Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.
Aw, hey, listen, this was obviously a joke, Eddie.
Come on, now, I'm no expert, but I know a little bit about the law.
And this sounds like a crock, pal.
No way you'll ever own this bar.
Well, when I take over, I'm thinking of serving free chicken wings.
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.
We used to have those little meatballs.
You know, with a sterno flame.
I don't want you to take this personally, but as a drinking partner, you stink.
Well, sorry you feel that way, Sam.
Look, I'll see you tomorrow at midnight...
When the bar becomes mine.
Have you thought about serving those little crab puffs? They're very popular.
Melville's has a recipe with mustard sauce.
If you're serious about this, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Most snakes don't.
We'll find out in court.
Yeah, my attorney's looked it over.
He says we got a sh*t.
Sam, don't get so upset.
You're still gonna have your job.
I'm going to need a bartender.
You actually went out drinking with that man?
That's not the worst of it.
I think I picked up the bill.
Oh... this has got to be a joke, doesn't it?
Why don't you let an attorney take a look at that.
Do you know one?
Have you finally passed the Massachusetts bar on the rarely used pity clause?
You know, when I pass my bar exam, cliff, you are going to eat your words.
If I've got any teeth left.
All right, what do you think there, Mr. Witless for the prosecution?
It appears that you and Eddie Gordon signed an agreement which may or may not be binding.
Oh, hey, Tom, knock off the legalese, will you?
Talk in a language we can understand here.
You want to trust me here, Sam?
This thing will never hold up.
You were drunk at the time, right?
And besides, it's not a contract.
It's a wager.
You're gonna win this case easy.
Tom's right. Let this Eddie press his case.
We'll engage an excellent lawyer and make a monkey out of that man.
Oh, boy. Oh.
What? What's wrong?
If you don't trust Tom, get a second opinion.
Yeah.
No. I can't let Eddie take me to court.
Why not?
I'd have to stand up and testify I was drunk and made an idiot of myself.
Are you worried about the publicity?
Yeah. I mean, the press wasn't exactly kind to me when I drank myself out of baseball.
I'd almost rather lose the bar than go through that humiliation again.
Oh, Sam.
Quit acting human. It confuses me.
I don't suppose you could just go ahead and marry her, could you?
Oh, yeah. Find, meet, woo Jacqueline bisset in 2 days?
Heh. Ah, it'd take at least a week.
You kiddin' me? 5 workin' days tops, Sam.
Hey, wait, I got an idea.
You mean you've actually conceived something besides a child?
Whoo. Ooh.
A bitter and unprovoked att*ck.
I like it.
What have you got?
This thing here, it doesn't say anything about having to marry the Jacqueline bisset, the movie actress.
There's got to be more than one Jacqueline bisset in the world.
Marry one of those, win the bet, get a quick divorce.
Eddie won't be able to say a thing.
You mean all I have to do is find another Jacqueline bisset and marry her by tomorrow night? It can't be that simple.
Uh, Sam...
Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking.
Someone note the date and the time.
Guys, you got to help me.
We got to call information all over the country.
Sammy, I think I can already help you out there.
At home I happen to have the phone books of every metropolitan area in the country.
Why?
Well, I'm one of those people who collect phone book cover art.
One of those.
This is gonna be fun. We'll call all over the country and find anybody with the last name bisset, ask if they have a relative named Jacqueline, and then talk them into coming up to Boston.
Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!
So much for the sun belt.
Norm, you philistine.
You just put a fold in sunrise over Albuquerque.
Hey, boys, boys, boys.
I would have thought there would be a few Jacqueline bissets around.
It can't be that uncommon a name.
Sam, I got a Jacqueline bisset on the phone.
Oh, pay dirt.
She sounds real sweet.
There's just one catch...
She's 93. She lives in a rest home in Maine.
So is she married?
I didn't ask.
Well, ask.
Are you married?
She's got a 94-year-old husband.
Been married 73 years.
Happy years?
Oh!
Sammy, just talked to a man in green bank, West Virginia.
He's got a granddaughter named Jacqueline bisset, 26 years old and unmarried.
Well, that's great. Let me talk to her.
No. I already did. Jackie will be here tomorrow morning.
Hey, how did you do it?
A little ingenuity. You know, I told her she won a trip to Boston on a radio game show.
Yeah, so once she gets here, all you have to do is convince her to marry you.
I could kiss you, man.
Well, yeah, you can, but I warn you, you're not gonna get anywhere. Ha ha... eh...
I offered her a few prizes, too, Sammy, to induce her to come up.
That's good. Like what?
Free round-trip airfare, first-class, suite at the ritz, free historical tour, matched set of luggage.
Why didn't you just offer a car?
Well, I did, but she took the cash instead.
Only kidding, Sammy.
The point is she'll be here.
You're right. My problems are over.
Aren't you forgetting one important step?
What?
You still have to get her to marry you.
Well, that's no problem.
As soon as I get her face to face, she'll fall under the old Sammy spell.
You k*ller.
Sam Malone, your vanity knows no bounds.
All the same, I guess I ought to wear something nice, my best outfit.
Say, Diane, when you dream of me, what am I wearing?
An anthill.
Congratulations, coach.
I mean, all the weeks of cramming, burning the midnight oil, and drilling with your friends, I mean, it's all paid off.
We're proud of you.
Yeah, all right. Take care.
Coach pass his driver's test?
No, he found Vermont.
So when's your ex-wife-to-be to be here?
She's supposed to be here now.
Cliff was supposed to pick her up at the airport two hours ago.
Are you all ready for her?
I don't know.
What do you think?
Yes, any girl would jump at the chance to marry you.
Sam, there is one problem, however.
I believe I detect a hint of fresh air cutting through your Cologne.
Ooh, you're kidding?
Must have missed a couple of important pulse points, huh?
All right. Thank you.
This is cheers, miss bisset.
That's Sam Malone.
Well, he is good-lookin'.
The bad news is he talks.
Uh, Sammy, Jackie bisset.
Miss bisset, Sam Malone.
Oh, boy, thank you for coming. Thank you for coming.
Cliff, why don't you set those bags down right here.
Why don't you come sit by the bar?
Listen, did cliff explain why we need you?
Yes, he did, and I'm not marrying anybody, except in the usual way where the groom isn't a total stranger.
Well, I understand that, I understand that.
But this isn't really like a real marriage.
I mean, just for a few hours until I win a bet, then we'll get it annulled tomorrow.
No fuss, no muss. Hey, listen, I tell you what, why don't you just consider it a warm-up for the real thing.
Uh, no. I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.
Listen, I almost didn't make this trip when I thought it was a legitimate contest.
But, I said to myself, "now, Jackie bisset, nothin' like this is ever gonna happen to you again."
And so, I kissed my dog smiley and waved good-bye to my pa, and here I am.
Knock it off.
You don't talk like that.
Listen, I know this whole thing's been handled in a very stupid way, almost ridiculous, but I really am in a jam here.
I tell you what. We promised you a guided tour.
Why don't I take you for a ride around the city, show you the sites, and I'll explain my whole story here.
I know just the place to start, too... city hall, very historic, and we could get a marriage license.
I really don't think so. No.
What's holding you up here?
You have a chance to help one of the greatest guys in the world.
I barely know him.
Well, let me fill you in.
Anybody here would do anything for this guy, right?
Exactly. Sure.
Look, look, look, look.
Just hear him out.
Please. All right?
Well, I never have been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.
Well, I tell you what, you tell me your story, and I'll about think it.
You got a deal. You're gonna love this.
The Sam Malone pre-nuptial tour.
We'll start off with the u.S.S. Constitution, then we'll go to the old north church, Paul revere's house, and then we'll top it off with the traditional Boston blood test.
All those places are right here in Boston, huh?
Yes, Norman.
This town is a veritable treasure-trove of historical monuments.
That's really something.
And thousands of people flock to Boston just to see all those sights and soak up a lot of American heritage, and I sit in a bar, night after night, guzzling beer.
Sad, isn't it?
Yeah... But, hey, no one's forcing them.
My, it's getting late.
Yeah, Sammy must be having a hard time talking Jackie into it, huh?
Yes, and if he doesn't get back in a year, his Cologne will wear off.
I don't know why he's going to so much trouble.
I was discussing this case this morning with one of my law professors.
Yeah? Was that before or after he scratched himself and ate a banana?
Are you calling him an ape?
You know something, clavin?
One of these days, boy, I'm just going to...
I don't know what!
That man would be magnificent in front of a jury.
Oh, Sam, thank you so much.
That was the most fun day of my whole life.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Why don't you sit here and I'll make you a little cup of tea or something.
Oh, Boston is such a lovely city.
Guess what.
When we were on the constitution, somebody recognized Sam.
I didn't know he was a celebrity.
Cut the chitchat.
Is mammy yokum going to marry you or not?
Well, uh, she hasn't decided.
What do you say, Jackie, huh?
I don't know.
Try to understand, Sam.
I always thought my wedding day would be something really beautiful and special.
It will be. We'll get a minister.
We'll have it right here in the bar.
In a bar? You think that's beautiful and special?
Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.
It's quarter to 12:00. I don't have much time here.
I hate to pressure you, but you're gonna have to decide to go through with this now, or I am gonna have to think of something else.
And he's already thought once today. Right.
This is all happening so fast.
Fast? It's been eight hours.
By the time I knew my ex-husband that long, he'd already cheated on me.
Well...
I was always raised to believe you should help people when you can.
I'm getting married!
Whoo!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Do you mind if I call home first?
I'd like to tell my pa about it.
Sure. Use my office.
Don't forget to tell Billie-Joe-Bob-Jim.
Don't take too long. We don't have much time.
Oh, boy.
Sam, I have dire news.
Good or bad?
That was justice Fiedler's secretary.
The justice is running a little late.
Late: What the hell has he got to do?
Well, his wife's having a baby.
Well, so? His work was finished a long time ago.
Sam! I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do now?
I mean, we don't have that much time to call somebody else.
It's not like we get justices of the peace and ministers walking in this bar every day.
Don't be too sure, my son.
You, Norman?
Back in the sixties, I sent a dollar to one of those churches that advertise in the back of "rolling stone."
And I'm an official minister of the church of the living desert.
What? Did you want to get out of the draft?
No, no. We were just goofin' around. Some friends and I were over at the accounting club getting high, smelling adding machine ribbons, you know?
It seemed funny. I don't know.
Of course, in that mindless state, even this business used to seem funny.
Ha ha ha!
It reminded me of something else.
Oh, hello.
Oh, justice Fiedler. Thank you for coming.
Sorry I'm so late. I just became a father.
Yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.
Now get your flabby buns over here.
Come on, we only got a few minutes.
Carla, stay out of this, will you?
Here's your pulpit.
Actually we are in kind of a hurry.
Could you do this quickly?
Yes. I see there's a certain urgency.
By the way, it's a boy... 9 pounds.
Yeah, just what the world needed.
Hello, everybody.
You're just in time, Eddie.
Just in time for my wedding.
I'm about to marry Jacqueline bisset.
Aw, don't make me laugh.
Come here.
See her, the girl on the phone?
Wow. Jacqueline bisset.
What happened to her?
She's not the movie star.
Nobody said anything about that.
The bet was Jacqueline bisset.
And that's the lady's name.
She's got lots of I.D. To prove it, too.
What is this, a trick?
No, it's no trick. He's winning the bet.
So why don't you just call Sam the winner and forget the whole thing.
Are you actually gonna marry that woman?
You bet I am.
This is the justice of the peace, Mr. Fiedler.
Yes. And father of the miracle baby.
Give it a rest, will you?
Look, Sam, I don't know if it's necessary for you to go to all this trouble.
Why, you mean you're gonna call the bet off?
No, I think he has an arrangement in mind.
That's right. Maybe you and I can work out some kind of a settlement.
That's what you've been looking for all along, haven't you?
Quiet, blondie.
Yeah.
This is between us men of the world.
Now, I'll consider dropping the whole matter for maybe... 5 grand.
Absolutely not. You're getting nothing from me.
Ok, all right, Sam. I'll consider us square if you give me and a date free drinks for the rest of my life.
Nope.
Do it, Sam.
I'd like to see what would go out with him.
Besides me, I mean.
He kind of grows on you, you know.
Free drinks for the rest of the year?
Sorry. Absolutely not.
All right, all right, look, one on the house.
Not a chance.
Gee, come on, Sam.
How about one of those olives with a pimento?
You think about this the next time you sh**t your mouth off in some bar.
Drinks on the house, huh?
See how I always land on my feet?
Well, sometimes on somebody else's.
Have you thought about what you've done to that poor girl.
Which one?
Jackie.
Oh, Jackie! That's right.
She still thinks we're getting married, doesn't she?
Well, she didn't want to do it in the first place.
That's all right.
Sam.
Did you see the look on her face?
She's a simple girl from a rural environment who finds herself in the big city being entertained by a slightly attractive semicelebrity.
How could her head not be turned?
Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy, you think I laid on the charm too thick?
Yeah, but she's a farm girl.
She's used to stepping around such things.
Sam, guess what. I told my pa all about this.
And he's a baseball fan, and he remembers you...
Sort of.
That was the kind of player I was.
Isn't that great, huh?
Yeah, um, yeah...
Boy, this is going to be sticky.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Well, uh... You know, when you...
Why don't you do this?
You're a little smarter than I am.
I'm a lot smarter than you are.
This paper napkin is a little smarter.
Jackie, there won't be a wedding today.
What about the bet?
Well, the bet was called off. Sam gets to keep his bar.
Oh... oh, well, that's good.
Yes. Jackie, let's be honest...
Weren't you falling for Sam just a little bit?
Sam? Oh, no.
Come on, now. He's a very attractive man.
Yes, almost as attractive as he thinks he is.
He only time he stopped complimenting himself all day was to ask me if I wanted to.
I like you.
I like you, too, Diane.
Say, you work here. You must see the girls Sam goes out with.
What sort of girl would fall for Sam, anyway?
Pathetic wretches.
It would have to be someone lacking in self-respect, as shallow as he is and empty-headed.
Amen.
So, uh, Jackie, is Diane making you feel a little bit better about what happened?
Yes, she is.
Ah, good. You know, she'd be the one to understand.
For a whole year, this little filly and I... oof!
More tea?
Oh, thank you.