Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Carla, might I have a word?
Look, I know how you like to poke fun at me and whatnot, but I'd really appreciate it if you stayed away from one area I'm particularly sensitive about... and that is my ears.
I don't make jokes about your ears.
Why would I make jokes about...
Oh, my god.
I never noticed those satellite dishes before.
Gee, I must have been distracted by the other atrocities attached to your head.
Yeah, well, look, just hear me out on this one, will you?
Last night I was going through my insurance policy, and I discovered I'm eligible for an ear tuck.
You know, it's going to be hard enough for me to go through without you razzing me all the time, so all I want is that you please, please after I do it not make my life a living hell.
This really means a lot to you, doesn't it?
It's the most important thing in my life.
Yeah, well, go ahead, get it done. We'll see.
One other thing, Carla...
Would you kind of lay off about how I live with my mother?
Gee whiz, cliff, give me something.
What am I gonna tease you about?
I'm not the most tidy guy in the world.
Oh, ok. I'll limit myself to that.
Thank you, Carla.
You're welcome. By the way, your mother called.
She said you left your earmuffs in the driveway, and no one can get out.
That was a "tidy" tease.
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪♪
Hey, everybody.
Hi, Sam.
What do you have there, Sam?
Looks like books.
Yeah, I guess you could call them books.
It's something I've been meaning to read.
Why don't you open one up so we can all see the little gingerbread house pop out?
Well, you wasted your money on that one, Sam.
You'll be disappointed with the ending.
I'll be in my office.
He locked his door.
Oh, and we're trapped out here with you.
Sam never locks his door.
He's done that 2 or 3 times this week, Diane.
Yeah. He did that the other night, and he never made a sound.
He stayed in there till closing time.
Oh, my god. The thing I feared worst has happened.
Your living bra d*ed of boredom.
This is no time for levity.
I think Sam might be drinking again.
Oh, I was afraid of this.
Day after day of watching frasier and me exulting in our joy has finally driven him over the edge.
Come on, Diane.
I doubt seriously if he's drinking.
There's lots of other things he can be doing in there.
Like what?
Maybe he's reading just like he said.
Oh, it can't be that.
I was once with Sam when he was reading.
I'd recognize the sounds anywhere.
Well, there's one sure way to ascertain whether he's drinking.
I'll smell his breath.
Go away.
Sam, it's Diane.
Go far away.
Sam, please, there's something important I need to talk to you about.
All right. Come in.
The door is locked.
Oh.
Gee. I wonder how that happened.
Hello, Sam.
Hello. What are you doing?
Why are you sniffing like that?
What's that?
I told you... I had a book.
"The world and its people."
This is surprising, Sam.
You're reading a book whose title doesn't contain the words
"naughty," "hot," or "throbbing"?
I told you, it's just a book I'm reading.
It's not just a book. It's a textbook...
Are you back in school?
Promise you won't tell anybody, will you, please?
Well, Sam, this is nothing to keep secret.
This is wonderful. Why are you concealing it?
Well, it's a little embarrassing...
A guy my age, going back to school.
It's not embarrassing. It's noble and fine.
And I think it's very inspirational.
Let's tell everyone.
No, come on, you know how the guys would make fun of me.
Sam, no one enjoys teasing you more than I do, and I refrained.
That's true. All right, what the hay? Let's do it.
All right.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah. Thank you.
Unless...
Unless what?
Sam, you're not doing this to impress me and win me back, are you?
No. No, I'm doing it for my diploma.
Well, I hope so.
Because if this is part of some involved scheme to get me back in bed with you, you will be very disappointed.
Yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.
Attention, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.
Someone in our little cheers family is doing something to improve himself and I want you all to know about it.
I knew it! I knew it.
Carla, you told Diane about my ear job, didn't you?
Clifford...
Carla didn't tell me anything.
Uh... well, you were saying?
After a rather lengthy interruption, Sam has decided to go back to school and pursue his degree.
Bravo, Sam.
You're getting your ears done, man, huh?
Come on, Sammy, where's your sense of humor?
It was a joke.
Will you forget about that?
This is exciting news.
Our Sammy is going to attain his bachelor of what...
Arts, sciences?
High school.
His bachelor of... high school?
What?
Yeah, I never graduated from high school.
You know, my senior year I got a contract to play class "a" ball.
Spring training didn't start until February.
School didn't get out until June.
High school?
Yeah. Yeah. I always promised my parents I'd go back and finish.
She was a lot happier about this in the other room.
I spent a year of my life being defiled by dobie gillis.
I'm terribly sorry.
I... I just assumed you meant college.
I plan to go to college, too.
Well, good, let me know when you get there so I can go out of the house without a veil.
Hey, Sam, why would a guy like you want to go back to high school?
I mean, you got everything a man could want.
You dumped the one thing no man wants.
I guess I'm just tired of being embarrassed about being a dropout.
That's nothing to be ashamed of.
A lot of famous people never graduated.
Yeah. Right. Name three.
According to the book of lists, let's see, Thomas Edison, Noel coward, Cher...
Never graduated.
Cher?
Absolutely.
Never finished, coach.
I feel a lot better now.
Why, you never finished either, huh?
No. I was missing a couple of those whatchamacallits?
Units?
No. Years, Diane.
Do you think it be a good idea if I was going back to school?
I think it's a wonderful idea, coach.
Since Sam is going anyway, you two can go together.
Coach can make up the classes he missed.
What do you think, Sam?
I think that I'm gonna have my hands full just getting me through this class.
It'll be fun. You'll have someone to study with.
Coach, I'm just taking geography.
I mean, that's the last thing all I have to complete so I can get my diploma.
Well, Sam, it would only be a start for me.
As a matter of fact, as I remember it, I was very good in geography.
Really?
Yeah... Or was it geometry?
Diane, give me a question in geometry.
What is the sum of the angles in an isosceles triangle?
It was geography.
Whew! Hey, everybody.
Clifford.
Diane.
Yeah, well, take your last look at a flawed Clifford.
Tomorrow I go under the Kn*fe.
Why don't you just go under the bus?
I'm talking about my operation, Carla.
I'm gonna have my ears tucked back.
Cliff, why don't you save yourself some money and just put some chewing gum behind 'em?
That, uh, that doesn't work.
I mean, that, uh, probably wouldn't work.
[Humming pomp and circumstance]
♪ Da da da da ♪ Sam?
♪ Da da da da da da ♪♪ don't let me interrupt.
Those are the only words I know.
You guys seem to be in a good mood.
Oh, you noticed, huh?
Well, we did great on our test tonight.
Ahh, you both passed, huh?
Passed?
We both got as again.
Once again, we got the two highest grades in the class.
Ohh.
Sam, listen, are we gonna study together tonight?
Listen, this exam's going to constitute
80% of our grades.
Coach, what have I been telling you all semester long?
I know. I know.
Studying is for saps. "Studying is for saps."
That's right. I'll be in my office.
What was the test about, Sam?
I don't know. I forget.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got an "a" on this test and you don't even know what it covered?
After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.
How? By blowing your nose?
I got an "a", didn't I?
Oh, coach, I am so impressed with you.
Oh, thank you, Diane.
Sam didn't seem to retain much from the test.
Yeah, but he does just great.
I never realized what a brain he is.
I study all the time.
He sleeps in the classroom.
He never takes a note.
And still he gets the great grades.
No wonder he's miss purdy's favorite.
Miss purdy?
Yeah. Our beautiful schoolteacher.
And Sam is her favorite?
I can't say that, but Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.
They kiss?
Yeah. I saw them smooching near the parking lot.
I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.
With probing tongues?
No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.
I can't believe he sunk to these depths.
I curse the day I ever walked into this bar.
Then it's unanimous!
Sam Malone!
This is absolutely...
The worst thing I've ever done.
The worst thing you've...
Wait a minute.
You don't even know what I'm going to say.
I just found out that you have been...
Sleeping with my teacher.
That's right.
And that's not the worst part of it.
She also has been giving you...
Good marks because of it.
Yes.
Are you admitting that you're doing this and that you know it's wrong?
Yeah. That's right.
Oh, yeah?
Well... stop slouching!
Look what's happened to your posture.
What?
I needed something.
Hey, I...
The whole thing started so innocently.
I began dating her because she was cute, and because we hit it off.
I had no idea that I was gonna get better marks because of it.
I just was after some meaningless sex and it's turned into something sleazy.
Well, you know the old saying...
The best laid plans of mice and scum.
Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth?
I didn't realize anything was wrong until I started getting these quizzes back.
Instead of marking off wrong answers, she'd say, "close enough. A-plus."
It's a sad commentary on our educational system when a harlot like this is allowed in public schools.
If I remember correctly, when we met, you were dating your professor.
For your information, I was a legitimate "a" student in the classroom.
I never got good grades in the sack.
Oh, don't worry. I always gave you an "e" for effort, didn't I?
Sam, I'm going to tell you what you have to do.
Now, I know you won't like it, but you have to...
Call miss purdy and tell her I want an honest grade.
Sit up straight!
I can't do that, Diane.
I'm not prepared to take the exam.
Well, coach will help you.
Oh, Sam... You started out with such noble intentions.
I hate to see you end up like this.
Yeah. I know. You're right.
Right after I take the exam, then I'll call her.
Come on. I got...
Maybe with coach's help, I can get by.
Hello, uh... Miss purdy?
It's little Sammy Malone from the third row.
Yeah, uh...
Listen, Alana, um...
About school, um...
I had this crazy thought.
I'm even embarrassed to mention it.
But do you think that maybe our relationship is in any way affecting the marks I've been getting?
You know, like making you unconsciously change some...
What?
You are?
Well, that's nice, but what...
Me?
Uh... yeah, I'm naked, too.
Sounds like we're ready for the class photo.
No, there's no one here.
It was an insect, but I k*lled it.
Uh... listen, I'm serious about this!
I would like my grade to be based on my knowledge of geography.
No, I mean it.
Did I say something funny?
Yeah, well, when you see the results of my test, you're gonna be laughing out of the other side of your hemisphere.
If you'll excuse me now, I've got some studying to do.
Uh... is there anything in particular I should cram?
All right, ok. But just remember I gave you that one Asa going-away present.
That lady's got a mean mouth on her for a 73-year-old.
I was joking! I was joking!
Hey, coach!
Where's coach?
He's in the back there, Sam. What's wrong?
It's nothing. I just got to study for this exam.
It's kind of important.
I'd be happy to help you study, Sam.
I'd be more than proud to assist.
You kidding me? You guys can't help me you know squat about geography.
Hey, coach, hey, good, could you help me study?
We got to start studying right now.
I thought you didn't need anybody to study.
Well, he does now, coach.
While you were earning your good grades with hard work, Sam was earning his by dating the teacher.
Is that true, Sam?
Uh... yeah, but I've wiped the slate clean here, coach.
Whatever I get now, I have to earn.
So please help me cram for the test, will ya?
You mean all semester long I've been wearing my buns to the bone while you've been polishing the teacher's apple?
Come on, coach.
I want to get my diploma.
Whatever I get on this exam is my grade for the class.
Find yourself another sap to study with!
Hey. Come on, coach.
No way. I'm going.
Oh, my god. I need help.
Carla, uh... What do you know about geography?
I know what creek you're up.
Hey, ahem... Guys, uh... w-would you help me study for this quiz?
I mean, maybe you could just, you know...
Review the facts with me, or something?
Sorry, Sam. I think we're too dumb to help.
Don't you, norm?
Hyuk! I didn't even understand the question, cliffie!
I'd like to go home!
I'll go home, okey-dokey?
Hyuk! Hyuk! Left, right, left, right.
Left, right, right... Ha ha ha!
I can't even do this!
Hyuk! Hyuk! Let's go home, norm!
I guess that just leaves you and me, huh?
Oh, dear, Sam. Uh... This is a problem.
Frasier and I have tickets for a piece of experimental theater tonight.
I feel obligated to go, because the last act takes place in frasier's living room.
I'd hate to have you miss that.
Sam, if you want me to cancel out, I will.
No, it's too late. You can't help me.
I'm going to fail this exam.
Gee, I wonder if miss purdy's still naked.
No...
Ok, Sam. I'll help you.
You're always messing up, and I'm always bailing you out.
You mess it up, and I bail you out.
It's getting a little boring.
Thanks, coach.
Don't you think it's getting a little boring?
Yes, coach.
Well, the only thing I can say is Sam's very lucky to have such a forgiving friend as you, coach.
Thanks, Diane.
Good night, guys.
Now, Sam, you can learn about anything in this world if you'll just follow my little trick.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
All right, Albania. Here... Albania...
Or... should we say...
♪ Albania ♪ why did you say it like that?
We learn our facts by associating countries with music.
Why?
Do you want to study alone?
No! No! No.
All right. 1..2..3...
♪ Albania ♪
♪ Albania ♪
♪ you border on the adriatic ♪
♪ your land ♪
♪ is mostly mountainous ♪
♪ and your chief export is chrome ♪
♪ you're a communist republic ♪
♪ you're a red regime ♪ sing it, Sam.
Ready?
♪ Albania ♪
♪ Albania ♪
♪ you border on the adriatic... ♪♪ Cliffie, I thought you were gonna get your ears done today.
Well, I decided this is the way god made me, and, you know, who am I to question his judgment?
You were wrong about the insurance company covering it, huh?
Mostly that.
♪ Taiwan ♪
♪ Taiwan, on the sea ♪
♪ the China sea ♪ hey, listen up, everybody.
I got an "a" on the test, and the best grades in the class.
How did you do, Sam?
Well, I got nosed out by coach. I got a "d."
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Malone is now a high school graduate.
Yes!
Congratulations.
For what?
You passed.
Yeah. A "d" as in "dumb."
"D" as in "diploma."
An honest "d" is better than a tainted "a."
Boy, I tell you, I may have my diploma, but I sure feel dumber than ever. Oh...
I studied myself hoarse for that exam, and still I got a "d."
Oh, Sam, you only had one night to study.
Ah, it wouldn't have made any difference.
My brain doesn't work like yours does.
I can't learn things.
Sam, some people may be better students than others, but you have street smarts, savvy...
Common sense. Common sense.
That's right.
Just because you may not be able remember that Pierre is the capital of north Dakota doesn't mean that you should feel...
Wait a minute.
Say that again.
What?
Capital of north Dakota?
Pierre?
No, it isn't. It's Bismarck.
Oh. Pierre's south Dakota.
What difference does it make?
The point is, you've earned your...
Pierre?
I can't believe this.
North Dakota... Pierre?
Hey. Hey, listen to this for a second.
Go on. Tell 'em.
I was just making an illustration.
Coach. Coach, what's the capital of north Dakota?
Easy... Bismarck.
She thinks it's Pierre.
All right, I may have inadvertently switched the two...
Oregon. Give me the capital of Oregon.
Portland.
No, it isn't. It's Eugene.
Oh, I... I knew that. I knew that.
It just slipped my mind.
No, it isn't Eugene. It's Salem.
Do you believe this?
If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.