Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Come on, coach! Is this what I think it is?
What do you think it is?
I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam.
Oh!
The billiard buddy pool table adapter.
Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam.
You can make it into a ping-pong table, a knock-hockey table, a salad bar.
How much?
Oh, I don't know; A buck?
A buck and a half with croutons.
No, coach.
I mean, how much for the whole thing?
Oh. 600 bucks, Sam, but the salesman said satisfaction guaranteed.
Or...
Now, that would've been a good question.
$600?
Yeah. Hard to believe, isn't it?
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norman.
What'll it be, normie?
Just the usual, coach.
I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel.
Cliffie, maybe you could help me out.
My mother-in-law's in town.
Ah, sorry.
As if that wasn't bad enough, she says she wants to go sightseeing.
Well, tell her to go to Florida.
I told her to go a lot further south than that, actually, but she's interested in American history.
Norman, take your mother to see bunker hill.
Where?
Bunker hill?
The scene of what many consider of the most important battles in American history?
Wait, wait. You talking about that place that I got to go all the way around to get to the minuteman pizza parlor?
No way.
Hey, norm, your car's unlocked.
Someone might steal your laundry.
What laundry?
That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car.
Oh. That's my mother-in-law.
She had kind of a rough flight, and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
And you left her out there in an unattended automobile?
I threw a blanket over her, and I left her a note, in case she comes to.
She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, Norman.
I'm really giving her the red carpet treatment.
Hey, yo, pal. Would you do me a favor and toss these in the blue civic out in front?
Hi. Is Sam Malone here?
No, he isn't. What can I buy from you?
What am I saying?
What can I get you?
Oh, I'll have a beer.
My name is Lenny Barnes. Hi, Lenny.
I'm the publicist for the chamber of commerce charity softball game this Saturday.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
I can tell you right now, Sam wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing.
I mean, nobody with any dignity wants to get into those sideshow carnival things where everybody's made to look stupid... nobody.
Hey, aren't you Ernie pantuso?
I'd be honored to do it.
Well, I don't think we need anybody else.
Oh, well.
Huh...
I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
The old memories come back, huh?
No. I keep getting the wrong bus.
I must have an old schedule.
I guess those stories about you are true.
That they are, Lenny. That they are.
Mr. Barnes, coach is right.
Sam never plays in old-timer type games.
Well, actually, Sam's already agreed to play.
What?
I'm just here for some publicity sh*ts.
Lenny, why don't you take your beer and have a seat and wait for Sam.
Ok. Thank you. Oh, I have to make a call.
Use the telephone.
I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane.
I mean, he always said to me he'd never get involved in one of these things.
Maybe Sam misses being out there on the baseball field, standing on the bump.
I think you got a point there, Diane.
I miss seeing him out there on the bump, too.
Incidentally, it's called the mound.
Ah. Mm-hmm.
Unless we're not talking about the same thing.
No, no.
Thank you, Carla, for helping me out there.
You sure you want to quit, Sam?
I'm willing to catch a few more.
I mean, you weren't exactly toying with the sound barrier out there, you know.
No. I just wanted to loosen up a little bit, that's all.
Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house.
The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.
Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Yeah. I was out there warming up, coach.
My arm feels pretty good.
Are you kidding me?
When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Good luck.
I have a right to be a little rusty.
The only thing I've thrown in the past 10 years is Diane's butt out of here.
No, Sam.
You're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of there.
Ah.
You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on this subject is hearing cliff talk about Florida.
As a matter of fact, I was just about to tell normie that Florida is a pollution-free state.
You know how they treat solid waste?
You said they treated you very well.
Hey. Hiya, Sam.
Hey, Lenny. How you doing?
I'm fine. Say, look, I've made arrangements to have a photographer and some of your opponents drop by for some publicity stills.
Right now?
Yeah. It won't take but a minute.
They should be here right away.
Tell me, Sam, what brought about this sudden altruistic bent in your personality?
Come on, I resent that. "Sudden"?
I've always cared very deeply for people less fortunate than myself.
Here they are. Hey.
Oh, Sam. You great big humanitarian.
Who says you can't work for a worthy cause and still be sexually aroused?
You could be having an appendectomy and still be sexually aroused.
Be that as it may, I have to excuse myself now and go say hello to my fellow do-gooders.
Huh!
Boing!
Are those dames, or what?
Oh, this is disgusting.
In what kind of culture do I live where they are the ideal woman?
Gee, Diane, you got to admit, they are beautiful.
Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts, and those bodies, and what have you got?
You.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
They're, uh... They're playboy playmates.
Get out of here.
I recognize miss February of a few years back.
She's a native of Montana, hates the hustle and bustle of the big city.
Her turn-ons include strong but sensitive men, classical music, and rainy afternoons.
Wow.
It's just... Hard to believe that Vera and those are the same sex.
Excuse me. Does anyone have a blue civic with a bumper sticker that says
"accountants do it with interest"?
Yes! That would be mine, and, you know, it's true, by the way.
They're towing it away.
Did you happen to notice a little old lady trying to get out?
No.
Oh. Well, great. Another round, coach.
Norm, what about your mother-in-law?
She's safe. The cops have her.
So... my place or yours?
I have a roommate.
Yours it is.
Bye. See you.
Here. Would you take your drink?
Thank you. Hey, are you upset about something?
You know what bugs me about women like you?
You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, thousands of men see you naked.
I have to go to them one by one. It's not fair.
Hey, you're gorgeous, Sam.
Come on. I'm going to take those pictures.
Why don't you get up there and put your arms around the girls, ok?
Put my arms around them, you say?
Right up there.
Okey-dokey. Ha ha ha!
Squeeze in there real tight, Sam.
Yeah, that's good.
Ok. Tell me, Sam, how do you feel about the game on Saturday?
Well, it's a challenge of a lifetime.
We're looking at natural assets that are going to play havoc with the strike zone.
No, no. I'm looking forward to the game.
And I'm particularly looking forward to the shower afterwards.
All right, all right. Seriously.
I think it's going to be a great game, and I just hope that everybody comes out to support a very worthy cause.
Terrific, Sam. Now step out and let me get a sh*t of the girls by themselves.
Why don't we put them over here by the door?
I know what you're thinking, and I don't care.
If you think I'm even concerned, you are wrong.
Your sortie into sordidness has no effect on my emotions.
You could make love to all five of those women, and I would feel nothing...
As, I'm sure, would they.
Why don't you come over here and let me introduce you to the girls?
I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year.
You are a sand flea!
That's the thanks I get?
Hey, coach.
What happened to our pool table?
It's still there, Larry, but thanks to our billiard buddy adaptor, it's more fun than ever now.
It can be a knock-hockey table, a ping-pong table, a slot-car track, you name it.
I want a pool table.
Well, let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here.
A little tool kit...
And that.
Coach, how long is this going to take?
20 minutes.
20 minutes to put the pool table together?
No. 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.
Forget it. I'll play ping-pong.
God bless you.
Hey, coach!
The play of the game, cliffie, was when Angela had to reach back to catch that foul ball.
Yeah, yeah. That was a thing of beauty, normie, but the best one was when ginger bent down to catch that grounder.
I had to applaud, norm.
Let's not forget when Rosemary and ginger kind of bumped into each other.
Either one of you manage to sneak a peek at the scoreboard?
There was a scoreboard?
Yeah! The final score was Sam's team 7, playmates 0.
I'm telling you, he was blowing those girls away.
It was a m*ssacre!
I lost track of the final strikeouts, but the important thing is the twinkies lost.
Ta-da!
Yay!
Sammy, my man! Way to hum! Whoo!
Yeah. Hey, did you hear? I got 18 strikeouts.
Sam, I counted 17.
No! The ump was blind. That ball cut the corner.
Hey, coach, come on. Drinks are on me.
We're celebrating here.
Hey, Sammy, what happened to the playmates?
I thought they were supposed to sashay down here after the game.
Yeah, they were. I guess they're sore losers.
Whatever happened to sportsmanship, huh?
Maybe they were a little put off by your victory laps.
Aww.
Come on, man.
That was just a joke.
Hey, that was a pretty good game, wasn't it?
I really had my stuff back.
Wasn't this game supposed to be for fun?
Yeah, that's right. I had a great time.
Hey! Guys, huh? I really had my stuff, huh?
Magnificent, Sam. Any chance the girls will be by?
Would you guys forget the girls, here?
I mean, I just won a game, didn't let anybody past first base, and you're all pretending that this is an ordinary day.
[Clink clink]
Excuse me.
I'm not an expert in the field of sports, but it's my impression that the fans paid to see the little playmates wiggling their hineys around the bases.
Diane, you're the last person I want to talk to today...
You're exactly not in the top five any day...
But for your information, people paid good money to watch Sam Malone pitch.
I paid for hineys.
Come on!
People don't pay to watch a baseball star stink.
They pay to watch them relive their old glories.
You know, Sammy, I was more thrilled than anybody to see you out there flinging it again, but even I was a little embarrassed when you put one in babette's ear
'cause she was crowding the plate.
Hey, the plate belongs to me.
Babette can't stand the heat, she shouldn't have crossed the baseline.
Come on, here. We're celebrating, guys.
Sam, you mean you knocked a girl down?
No, coach, I didn't knock a girl down.
I knocked a batter down.
She was halfway across the plate.
Oh, halfway across the plate, she deserves it.
Let's celebrate.
Oh, yes, by all means, let's celebrate.
This is such a major accomplishment, Sam.
I think you're ready to take on the campfire girls all-stars.
Hey, hey. Way to go, Diane. Ha ha!
You guys want to go out there right now and face me?
Huh, mouths? Huh?
I mean, any one of you, go get a bat.
First person that gets a hit off me, I'll give him the bar.
Any takers?
Yeah. Yeah, I thought that would shut you up, you gutless wonders.
Why don't you just go over to the playboy club and hang out with the losing team?
Coach, I'm going to be I'll be in the back room...
Alone.
Oh, good. Diane's here.
Sam, you are an attractive man.
You have many friends. You have a lot going for you.
But you have one miserable character flaw.
Gee. I wonder if I could coax you into telling me what that is.
Sam...
You and I dated for what seemed an eternity, and I think I know you pretty well.
You get into a contest, and you'd rather die than lose.
I'm surmising, but...
I think your fear of losing drove you to drink and ruined your career.
I'm going to tell you something.
Then I'd appreciate it if you leave.
A little competitiveness is a healthy thing.
Uh-huh. But you have more than a little competitiveness.
Sam, you're very sick.
I am not.
Yes, you are, and I can prove it.
Why did you play this game in the first place?
To impress a bevy of buxom bunnies who now will never speak to you again.
You wanted to b*at them more than you wanted to bed them.
Oh, my god. I am sick.
Oh...
Sam, you're not actually sick.
You just have a problem.
I know, I know, I know.
I've always had it.
You mean you approached games in the same way when you were a child?
Especially when I was a child.
My parents were kind of tough on me.
I... I could never do anything to please them.
I mean, if I got a "c" in school, they said why didn't you get a "b"?
If I got a "b," why didn't you get an "a"?
And if you got an "a"?
Sorry.
You know, in high school, once I pitched a two-hitter.
All my dad could talk about was the lousy two damn hits.
Sam, this is wonderful.
You're sharing with me an attempt to confront the very roots of your self-involvement.
I had no idea you could relate on this level.
Yeah.
Kind of feels good to open up like this.
Yeah.
You know...
When I was about 6, I made my dad breakfast in bed on father's day.
I was really proud of myself.
All he could say was the eggs were too dry, and the... And the toast was too light.
Sam, I'm feeling a closeness to you now that compels me to share a core feeling of my own, something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst.
It happened my 17th summer.
I swear, if I'd made the toast any darker, he would've said I b*rned it.
I was brimming with the innocence of youth.
Everybody else in the world would've said, "hey, that toast is perfectly fine."
Oh, stop with the damn toast tragedy!
What's your problem?
Well, I'm trying to share something very painful, and you keep cutting me off.
I was talking about my dad.
Well, I was going to tell you about the time I stayed home from the prom.
You interrupted my dad story for that?
Well, what more was there? He didn't like your toast.
Ok. Fine, fine. Tell me all about your little dance story.
This doesn't have anything to do with mice and glass slippers, does it?
I assure you that the details of my prom story would make your dad story look like self-pitying tripe.
All right, all right. Ok. Right now, I'm going to admit that I am a very competitive person, but you know something that just occurred to me?
You know the reason why our relationship never worked?
Because you always had to have the last say, you always had to be on top, and you're still doing it.
You know, you are just as competitive as I am.
Me?
Yeah.
I'm not competitive.
I'm intense...
And strong-willed, but I think that mindless games and contests are very destructive and diminish the human spirit.
Is that right?
Want to play ping-pong?
Of course I don't want to play ping-pong.
It's preposterous.
It's not exactly my best sport.
A lot of people b*at me at it, but I bet you I could b*at the pants off of you.
What if you did? What would it prove?
It'd prove I'm having a great day, my dad was wrong, god's in his heaven, and you are a loser.
Oh...
As always, you are just trying to avoid the central issue here.
Come on, chicken.
Bawk bawk bawk!
Don't do this, Sam.
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!
I've played ping-pong.
Ooh...
My father built me an elaborate rec room when I was a child.
My daddy liked me.
Yeah. Yeah. I bet you got lots of practice staying home from all those proms, huh?
Yes. It gave me the opportunity to master the complexities of making toast.
Oh. Nice serve, Diane. Ha ha ha!
All right.
Yeah, you'll be easy.
I'm real worried.
[Ping-pong continues]
Since that time, norm, I've never feared death.
[Ping-pong continues]
[Diane] My point.
[Sam] Lucky sh*t.
Come on. Serve.
Sam, what are we doing?
It's called ping-pong. Serve.
This all started out with us arguing over who was the most competitive.
What are we proving by knocking a ball back and forth all night?
It's not going to be all night.
I'm about to win. Now serve, will you?
Let's start by admitting that we both have a problem, and let's put down our paddles simultaneously and walk away from this thing.
Oh, you're quitting. Is that it?
As it so happens, I am a point ahead.
I could win on this serve.
I am suggesting a greater triumph for us both...
A victory over this destructive problem we both have.
Let's b*at our paddles into plowshares, Sam.
Say again?
Try this for me, and see if you don't feel better.
I'm putting down my paddle.
Join me in this victory, Sam.
How do you feel?
I feel ok.
Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good.
Good. Yeah.
Buy me a cup of coffee?
Yeah, you bet. How about that?
Oh. Just one more thing.
I win.
You're not getting out of this room alive.
Oh, don't be a sore loser.
You're the one that's gonna be sore. Ouch!
That's why they call those "paddles."