Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I'm sorry it has to be like this.
But why?
Back up the garbage truck, cliffie.
Entering dump city.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, let's have a little sensitivity here, man.
That's a living, feeling human being there who's about to be blown out of the water.
Coach, you want to stand aside? I can't see anything.
Sam, I know it's my fault.
I should have said something sooner.
No, I'm sorry. It's just that I told you, it's a rule with me.
Now, it's the right thing to do.
I think we both realize that.
I suppose you're right.
Yeah, but don't you think that if we just worked...
Come on. Let's make a clean break, stop now, and we'll still have all those terrific memories.
Now, go. Go.
Don't make it any tougher.
Good-bye, Sam.
Good-bye.
Available in paperback wherever nauseating trash is sold.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
You want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy?
She looked perfect to me.
Body was a 10.
So was her face.
So was her IQ.
Sam's kind of gal.
She was married.
No? No?
She just told me just now.
I mean, that's something I don't do.
I don't mess around with married women.
Me, either.
It's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Hey, I draw lots of lines.
As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with...
Married, underaged, and comatose.
He's added one.
Sam, may I have my purse, please?
What are you grinning about?
I was just confirming once again what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up.
Now my love life is stable, and yours belongs in one.
I'll have to share that one with frasier.
Puns are his greatest pleasure.
You mean now that he's sleeping with you.
Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult.
Why aren't you chortling?
Leave me alone.
I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world.
Oh, it must be an impacted wisdom fang.
Die! You're going to die!
Carla, why don't you do with a toothache what I used to do when I played in the minors?
What's that, coach?
Saw a dentist.
You're right, coach. I'm gonna have to go tomorrow.
You know, I got my bad dental habits from my parents.
They taught me to brush after every w*r.
Coach, how about one for the road, huh?
Right. So, normie, how's Vera doing?
Well, she's all right.
But she's nagging to get a new house.
Having any luck in finding one?
We got to get rid of the old one first.
Well, you know, norm, I've been thinking about getting another place.
It's yours.
I'd like to take a look at it first.
The man's a shrewd buyer.
What's wrong with where you're living?
Well, nothing really, coach.
I just thought it'd be about time I got a place of my own.
Place of your own? Where do you live now?
Oh, you know where I live.
No, I've never been there.
I, uh... Live at home.
At home? Whose home?
Uh... my parents' home. No big deal. Good night, guys.
Parents? Wait a minute!
You live with mommy and daddy?
I, uh... I live with my mother.
Well, why?
It's not out of choice, it's out of more of a sense responsibility.
You see, my father abandoned us a couple years ago, and I've sort of become the man of the house.
So, you got, like, a curfew or anything?
Curfew! Come on, norm!
I can stay out long as I want as long as I call by 10:00.
Good night, Sam!
Good night, coach.
Oh, I'm sorry. We're closed.
That's ok. I'm not a customer.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Well, you found him. I'm Sam Malone.
I'm Maxine's husband.
Not the Sam Malone. A Sam Malone.
Not the one you're looking for.
He hasn't been around here...
Why did you do it, Sam?
Oh, now, wait, wait. You just listen to me.
I didn't know she was married.
She just told me today, and the second I found out, I called it off, I mean that was it. I mean, ask her.
I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life, but I do not mess around with other men's wives.
So what are you you saying, it's all her fault?
No, I'm not saying it's anybody's fault.
It was just a big mistake, that's all.
I know we've all been hurt by this, and I'm sorry.
What am I doing?
I mean, who am I kidding?
She's a tramp.
I mean, I think I've always known it, and I've never admitted it.
You got anything to drink?
Yeah, I think I got a bottle here some place.
Scotch all right?
Yeah. Bring it over, will you?
You're not a mean drunk, are you?
Just a stupid one. By the way, don't flatter yourself thinking that you're the first.
I mean, there have been others.
Hmm. Just out of curiosity, are they still with us?
If she just weren't so damn gorgeous, Sam.
Yeah, I know, I know.
It's tough being married to a beautiful woman.
You know, it's like that sweet, old love ballad that says, uh...
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, "never make a pretty woman your wife.
"From my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you."
You remember that?
Oh, I should have listened.
I'm really sorry, Sam.
I've been out of my mind.
Women! Look what they bring us to.
Oh, I tell you.
They put you through hell, don't they?
I get the feeling they enjoy it, too.
Yeah.
Why don't I... Why don't I just hold onto this, huh?
Put it some place where it's not gonna do any damage.
[Bang]
Gee, I wish I hadn't done that.
Hey, everybody!
Great day, isn't it?
Carla, did you get your tooth fixed?
Yep. I am never gonna be afraid to go to the dentist again.
I found a way to communicate with him.
How's that?
Well, as he leaned in with his drill, I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention.
And I said, "we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
All right!
Carla.
Did that work?
We're having a late dinner.
Sam! What the hell happened to you?
Oh, nothin', really. Nothin' at all.
What do you mean, nothin'?
You come limpin' in with a cane.
Well, there was a little trouble in the bar last night, but it was no big deal.
Well, what happened, Sam? Come on.
Uh...
Well, a thief broke in, and, uh...
I had to run him out.
I caught a b*llet in the, uh... Leg here.
A b*llet! A b*llet in the leg?
Well, no, come on, it's no big deal.
Let's just go back to our business, huh?
Good lord, Sam.
You grappled with an armed marauder?
You could have lost your life!
Well, I guess I could have, but that's something you only think about afterwards really.
Whew! Talk about guts.
Aw, no.
No. It had nothin' to do with guts, norm.
It's just reflex. I mean, I am an athlete.
Let's hear it for mayday the same, huh?
No, no, come on.
Will you sit down?
No, no. I think I'll stand.
Gee, Sam, you should give us some details.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Details, huh?
Yeah.
Well, all right. That's easy enough.
Well, coach, uh...
These guys burst into the bar and...
Wait. I thought it was just one guy.
No, I just said one guy had a g*n...
Yeah, you did say that. Yeah.
That I saw.
I mean, they could have all had g*ns, but as soon as they saw what I did to their pal, they just took off out of there.
Right!
I mean, basically, they're all cowards really.
Amen to that, Sammy.
Coach, the guy was holding his g*n on me, and, well, I waited for the right moment, and then I just kicked out with my leg, kind of like, uh... Well, I guess the closest comparison would be Bruce Lee really.
I made contact with the g*n, and he pulled the trigger.
The b*llet caught me in the leg, and the g*n went flying, and the rest just took off out of there.
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Come on, you guys.
I guess I really shouldn't have done it, but I'll tell you something, the next time one of those drugged-out punks decides to break in and take advantage of an honest citizen, they'll think twice about it.
[Cheering]
You guys.
Just like the old days, huh, Sam?
Way to go, mayday?
Aah!
Well, I can still dance on it, huh?
Coach, I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
It's all that cheese.
Sam, when you say, "in the leg..."
All right, all right, so it wasn't exactly the leg.
It was a little higher up.
Well, the important thing is that you're ok.
But exactly how did they manage to sh**t you in the i-know-what?
Well, you know, when you're surrounded by armed marauders with a*t*matic weapons, b*ll*ts ricochet...
Sam!
Maxine!
When my husband left last night with a g*n, I never ever thought...
Of course you didn't think.
Why would you think about something that has nothing to do with anything that's ever happened to me?
You know, I got a question for you, Diane.
Whatever happened to the old metric system?
Weren't we supposed to change all those measuring cups?
So that was your act of heroism, mayday's moment of truth...
Getting sh*t in the Fanny while in flight from a jealous husband.
Wait. Who said I was runnin' away?
How else do you explain the location of your wound?
Well, I coulda been...
Coming at 'im and turned a somersault to throw off his aim.
You're very lucky that you didn't get any brain damage.
Ok, all right, let's get our facts straight here, huh?
I did not know she was married, I cut it off as soon as I found out, and I wasn't running away.
I was putting the g*n in my back pocket when it went off.
Ha ha!
This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle.
Will you answer me one question? What?
When you went to the doctor, did you ask him to get the lead out?
Frasier is gonna love that one, isn't he?
Oh, frasier's weekend is made.
Come on, enough jokes.
Do me one favor.
I will not change your dressing.
No, no, listen. Just back me up on this, will you?
If everybody finds out what really happened...
That might make you the butt of their jokes.
I'll save that one for his birthday.
Come on, just promise me, will you?
Just don't say anything, huh?
Sure, Sam. I won't blow your story.
But I must warn you, the bigger the lie, the bigger the fool one might appear later to be.
Well, whatever.
The thing is, I did get a little carried away, but there's no harm done, and it's all over, so let's forget it.
Sam, come quick, there's a film crew from the 6:00 news out here.
Oh, gee, how about that?
Gee, I wonder what they want.
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
So, cliffie, you going to buy norm's house or not?
Oh, yeah. You betcha, coach.
Don't tell him I said so, but the building inspector I sent down there to check it out says his house is in terrific shape.
Coach, draft, please.
Why wouldn't you want to tell him a thing like that?
Coach, the guy is really hot to sell.
I'm going to low-ball him on this one, take his shirt.
He's gonna end up looking like a giant sap.
Clifford, I can't believe my ears.
Gee, and I've never believed your hair or your nose.
What does that leave us?
You would take advantage of your best friend?
Well, Diane, friendship has its place, but not in the world of business, especially, in real estate where it's strictly dog-eat-dog.
One fido burger coming up.
Norm, can I have your ear for a second? Sure.
Despite my building inspector's protest, I've decided to put a bid on your house.
Here it is.
I'm afraid that's gonna have to be my top offer.
Whoa! You got yourself a deal.
Hey! What?
Yeah. Hey, everybody, I sold the house.
Wait till I tell Vera.
I can look at that place with the pool room.
Wait, normie. That's an eight there.
Eight? I thought it was a two.
At last, English-speaking neighbors.
Hey, norm, there's something about this house I don't know.
Just what is it?
The market value.
That paper's not notarized there, norm.
It was an honor meeting Boston's newest hero, Sam.
Oh, thanks.
Anybody ever tell you you were like Gary Cooper?
Yep.
Good night. Great place.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
What a night.
200 bucks in tips.
What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
I'm going to spend it all on my kids.
Good girl.
How many gunnysacks and one-way tickets you think it will buy?
Gee, I don't know, Carla.
Aw, come on, what are you looking at me like that for?
Never mind.
Come on. What's the problem?
You're living a lie, Sam.
Oh...
I know you won't listen to me, but our parents were right when they said no one profits by deceit.
Sorry, Diane.
But tonight's receipts are making too much noise.
I can't hear you.
Ok.
I honestly don't care what you do, but I must say, I'm a little disappointed.
Oh. You sure you don't want to hang around and get naked and roll around in all my money?
You're no fun anymore.
Hello again, Sam.
Hello, Marvin.
How you doing?
Well, this thing has turned out pretty good for you, hasn't it, Sam? Uh, yeah.
Saw you on TV.
Oh, yeah?
There you were...
The scum who was messing around with my wife.
They're treating you like you're some kind of hero.
You want to stop pointing g*ns at me, Marvin?
Sam...
Don't mind me. Just carry on as if I...
Hey, hey! You're not going anywhere!
Come on, Marvin. Let her go, will you?
What, so she can call the police?
The police?
Obviously, sir, you don't know me.
I strongly believe there is far too much government interference in our lives as it is.
All right, get back here.
This is crazy!
I was already sh*t once because of you. I mean, we're even.
Oh, no, Sam.
We're not even. Not yet.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.
I can't work!
All I can think about is you and my wife.
Diane, isn't that a run in your stocking?
Oh, my. You're right.
What a nasty run. Look at that.
Just put some nail polish on it.
I don't think that will work on a run this large and high up on one's thigh, do you, Marvin?
Look, shut up!
He-yah! Ooh.
Just working a cramp out.
There you go.
You'd better not try that again.
Don't worry.
Move. Over here.
Excuse me, Marvin.
Uh, listen to me.
You're having trouble with your marriage, aren't you?
Believe me, I understand how you feel.
Come on, nobody understands how I feel.
I do!
Oh, sure, sure.
You ever been in love with trash?
Yes!
This disgusting pile right here.
Sam?
Exactly.
He's trash.
But I...
I love him with all my heart.
Why?
Because... I gotta.
You tell me, why do you love her?
Because neither one of us can help it.
But I'm asking you as a favor, from one sucker to another, don't waste my fella.
Sam, is this true? You and her...
Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
I don't deserve her, but then, who does, huh?
And what do we get for loving 'em?
A punch in the face, a kick in the gut, a one-way ticket to heartbreak city.
This guy's a stockbroker.
Why are you talkin' like this?
You know, lady, you're right.
You know exactly how I feel.
The biggest favor I could do for this lady right now is sh**t you.
Way to go, sweetheart.
Actually, we're not that close at all.
Just the occasional movie date.
I'm not gonna sh**t you. You know why?
Because it would hurt her more than it would you.
Thank you.
Yes. Thank you.
Look, by the way, if you ever get tired of him, and you want someone who can give you a nice, quiet home life, think of me.
Mighty attractive offer.
I don't believe this.
You just saved my life with that ridiculous story.
I'm not sure I know what to do to thank you.
Well, I can think of something.
But I don't think you're prepared to do it.
Aw, come on, of course I am.
Let's just go in my office.
Unfortunately, I'm injured.
So you're gonna have to do most of the work.
Night, Sam.
Oh, I was kidding. I was kidding.
Come on. I know what you're thinking about.
You want me to set the record straight with everybody about what happened the other night, right?
All right, I will.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna call the newspaper right now.
Well, I didn't ask you to do that.
I know, but I'm gonna because it's important.
Because your respect for me is important to me.
I always pretend it isn't, but the truth is, I want you to think I'm a good person.
Really, Sam?
Yeah, really.
Sometimes you surprise me, Mr. Malone.
And it's wonderful.
Yeah.
Hello. Uh, yeah, um...
Can I speak to the city desk, please?
Uh, is anyone else in?
Who am I speaking to then?
Oh. Well, all right, Emily.
This is Sam Malone, and I'm calling because I...
You heard about that, huh?
Well, listen, the thing is, a lot of people have been making a big deal about...
Well, I'd like to meet you, too.
What time do you get off work?
No. 4 A.M.
Hey, that's no problem for me.
That's great. Yeah.
Well, um...
Afraid? Well, Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the...
Emily, you're not married, are you?