"And his eyes have all the seeming
"of a demon's that is dreaming, "and the lamplight o'er him streaming
"throws his shadow on the floor
"and my soul from out that shadow
"that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted... Nevermore!"
Mmm! Oh!
Boy, doc, you tell great stories.
That... was poe.
Don't be modest. It was great!
So, who's next to chill us with a scary story, eh?
Well, I think I have a chilling tale.
Yeah, but it's cute when you wiggle it.
I got the greatest ghost story ever told.
Now, it seems that Casper got caught in this huge laundry basket full of sheets.
Don't finish it, coach. Some of us want to be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah, you're right, Carla.
It's best that I live with it myself.
My god, what a horrible sight!
Speaking of horrible sights, coach, take a look at... This!
Aah!
Gary portnoy: ♪ makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Two vodka rocks with a twist.
Well, frasier, didn't I tell you that Halloween at cheers would be fun?
Yes, but I won't hold it against you.
Listen, I was able to get those 2 tickets for the Boston pops tomorrow night.
Oh, wonderful!
Oh, you guys are going to the Boston pops, huh?
Oof, I'm jealous.
You sound like a fan, Sam.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, the Boston pops was the one cultural event albeit heavily sugar-coated, that Sam genuinely liked.
Yeah, yeah. I especially liked the, uh...
"18-somethingth overture."
1812.
Hey, you really know your stuff. Yeah.
You know, till Diane dragged me to that concert, I never realized just how many years of practice and dedication it takes to become a classical musician.
Well, anyone in particular impress you?
Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy on the cannons. He's incredible.
You know, I mean, I actually thought about taking it up myself, but I think it's one of those things that you have to start when you're very, very young.
Yes. They say to be truly great, you do, yes.
Yeah.
You know, sometimes, I think that Sam is actually pretending to be less intelligent than he really is.
But how intelligent would someone have to be to successfully pretend to be that dumb?
Phew. Boy.
I'm not even sure that I could pull it off.
Oh, yes, you could.
Eww. Yuck!
I'm sorry, Carla, if we offended you with our public display of affection.
But try to understand.
Frasier crane has the same effect on me that cheap chianti and dice hanging from a rear view mirror have on you.
Boy, you got it bad.
Hello, everyone, and a happy all hallows' Eve.
Guess who I am.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. Let me give you a hint.
I went to Florida to find the fountain of youth.
Cliff clavin.
No, coach. I'm ponce de Leon.
Well, I think your ears are too big.
What, for ponce de Leon?
No, for you, cliffie.
I don't know, coach.
I happen to be very proud of my big ears.
I mean, a lot of women consider them erogenous zones during heavy petting.
Are you kidding? You never had a date in your life.
That's only because he's never had the guts to ask a girl out. [Laughs]
It's got nothing to do with guts.
It's just that type of woman you find up here on the northeastern seaboard bore me.
See, I prefer your southern belles, you know, the kind of women you find down there in Florida.
Oh, no! He's going to go on about Florida again!
Hey, hey, hey. Suffice it to say, when I was down there, I was covered with women.
Sure they weren't mosquitoes?
Yeah. Thank you, Bob hopeless.
I think I'll just go in the back and scope out the dollies.
Why don't you guys lighten up on cliff, huh?
Sorry, Sam, but you got to admit it's a little bit weird, isn't it?
I mean, he's never been married.
I've never even seen him with a woman.
Hey, norm. He's your best friend. Is he gay or what?
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance!
We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts.
I mean, he never got married, he never went with girls, he even wore those fancy Italian shoes.
And he lived with a guy who was a florist, and Duke wasn't gay.
Yes, he was, coach.
Huh?
He was?
You think he'd like to meet cliffie?
Oh, come on.
Come on, guys. Cliff is not gay, all right?
He's just shy around women to the point of being a blithering idiot.
Diane, that was a colleague of mine on the phone, a reichian analyst. He's taken ill.
He wants me to take his place tomorrow at an all-day seminar on multiple personality at the university of Chicago, so I got to go home and pack.
We won't be able to go to the concert.
Well, I won't, but you can still go.
Listen, take along a friend, and...
Well, Sam indicated some interest.
Sam?
I think I could find more stimulating company for the concert.
I wouldn't have to look any farther than the nearest petri dish.
But once again, I am startled by how far you are above petty emotion like jealousy.
Well, I just figured it was time Sam learned to appreciate instruments without fuses.
Ha ha ha!
Good-bye, my tiny Alice.
Good-bye, my mad mad hatter.
Ha!
Well, there are many theories as to why the Florida orange is far superior to its California counterpart.
Now, I personally think it's the trace mineral element in the floridian water.
Uh, that's obviously due to the frequency of the typhoons and the nitrogen-rich alligator guano.
Now, uh, furthermore, there's, uh...
Say! I just remembered I left my oven on.
If I hurry home, I can stick my head in it.
Florida oranges are delicious.
What? Nothing, nothing.
Uh... have you, uh, been to Florida?
No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go.
I read that they have the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.
That's right! In Orlando!
I even sat in one of them.
Wow! Yeah.
Uh, w-what's your name?
Tinker bell. What's yours?
Me? Uh... I guess it's ponce de Leon.
Oh, the fountain-of-youth guy that discovered Florida!
[Gasps] Would you marry me and bear my children?
Say, would you like to go in the back and maybe play some pool, or as they say in Tallahassee, "sh**t some pocket billiards"?
I'd love to, Mr. Leon.
Oh, please, call me ponce.
It looks like you're out to conquer new territories, ponce.
Holy god!
♪ Day after day
♪ I still believe in love
♪ you are the one
♪ one that I'm dreaming of
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you oh...
Did anyone ever tell you you dance divinely, ponce?
Yeah, someone did mention it to me the other day.
Let's see. Was that cortes or pizarro?
[Laughs]
Sam, I'm ready to go.
Would you hand me my purse?
I'll put a new tune on the jukebox.
Oh, I'm not using a pair of tickets tomorrow for the Boston pops.
Uh, you're welcome to have them if you're interested.
Uh... no. No. No, thank you.
Oh, you'll enjoy it!
The program is an evening filled with fireworks and laser beams, occasionally interrupted with the music of gershwin.
Ah, no... pffoo, boy!
I just can't think of who I'd take.
Most of the women I date don't like music they can't dance to.
Most of the women you date don't like music they can't shed clothing to.
How come you don't want to go?
Oh, I do, but frasier's out of town.
I can't think of anyone I'd like to go with.
Uh-huh.
I guess frasier would feel uncomfortable if you and I went, huh?
No. Actually he suggested it.
Ah, well, so you'd be uncomfortable, huh?
Not at all.
While you still harbor tortured longings for me, the emotions are so completely unreciprocated, I don't see why we shouldn't go together.
Then it's a date.
Um, no, not a date. I mean, not a date-date.
Well, it's, uh...
What would you call an evening out with a woman when you have absolutely no hope of physical involvement whatsoever?
A first.
[Music slows and stops]
I'm sorry.
Well, I guess it's time I be heading back to never-never land.
Let me walk you back to your car.
Oh, no, no! That's ok. It's right outside here.
But I just want to know when we're going to see each other again.
Actually, we haven't seen each other at all yet.
I know!
Let's meet tomorrow night right here on this very spot as ourselves at 8:00.
Ok.
And... and... Don't you be a minute late.
Nice enough young person, huh, Sam?
Way to go, cliffie!
What do you mean, way to go, cliffie?
You know, if I didn't know you, I'd say that you were pretty smooth tonight.
Oh, Sam, I think I resent that a little bit.
No, that's ok. You probably just think you know me a lot better than you really do, huh?
No, Sam. Tonight wasn't really all that unusual for me.
Come on, cliff.
No, no, Sam, it was commonplace, really.
Cliff.
What? Ok.
3, 2, 1...
Hurray, I got a date! [Laughs]
Thank you, Sam. Yeah.
Whoo!
Well, here we are.
Yeah. Thank you for the ride home, and thank you very much for the concert.
Boy, I tell you, you know, that...
That gershwin's a genius.
[Vocalizing "rhapsody in blue"]
[Imitating fireworks]
[Laughs] Yeah.
The Mark of a great composer, when an audience leaves humming your fireworks.
I had a great time.
Me, too.
I haven't had such a good time since...
That's ok. I know when you stopped having good times, Diane.
It goes without saying that I would have had a better time if I had gone with frasier.
Me, too.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
By the way, how did you like our first outing with no promise or thr*at of sexual encounter?
You're not out that door yet.
Hmm hmm!
[Indistinct] Aah! Aah!
Good evening, everybody.
Uh...
Hey, uh...
Can I have a beer, please, coach?
Hey, this one's on me, coach.
Oh, thanks, norm.
Got it. Yeah.
Cliffie, ahh...
Ha ha! Yeah...
Well...
"Well..." what? "Ahh..."
Hee hee hee!
Well, last I saw, you were dancing together.
Yeah, so?
So... you know...
No, norm. I don't "know."
He wants to know if you boinked her, ya dink.
Norm!
Good god, norm!
Don't you know that psychologists believe that one night of meaningless pleasure can just get in the way of any kind of long-term commitment?
Is that true, Sam?
I rely on it.
She's, uh, meeting me here tonight at 8:00.
8:00? Cliff, I don't believe this.
You're meeting a woman in 15 minutes?
I don't believe how calm you are.
Oh, hey, come on, norm. Don't tell me that you, too, subscribe to that myth about my discomfiture with women?
Cliffie, I was there one night a woman asked you what time it was.
You swallowed the lower half of your face.
Well, norm, obviously you know nothing about body language.
That gesture is replete with erotic messages.
To a baboon, maybe.
All right, all right, all right.
I admit that in the past, I've been a little shy around women, but you know, I've been thinking about it, and I don't think there's been any real reason for my, you know, insecurities.
As a matter of fact, uh, watch this.
Sammy. Lighter.
May I?
Thank you.
Uh, you're very welmmnb.
I mean, you're... You're welcomnbm.
Ahem! You're welcambumn.
You're very, extremely walaumbah.
You're... you're wolabah!
Wahlaha helaha. Hacah!
I think he's too damn smooth for his own good.
No, n... n...
I'm such a wimp, I'm such a wuss, I'm such a weenie.
God, am I a dink!
Cliff, I know you're nervous about meeting a girl, but this one's different. You know her already.
You danced with her all night long.
I didn't dance with her, norm.
Ponce de Leon danced with her.
No, you danced with her!
Oh, it wasn't me. I was just playing a role.
Tonight, I'm me... middle-aged, tongue-tied yutz!
All right, cliff. I want you to listen to me for a minute.
There's been a lot talk about you in this bar recently.
And the one who always winds up defending you is me.
I don't mind. That's what best friends are for.
But it's almost 8:00, cliffie, and the one woman in the world weird enough for you to have a sh*t at may be standing right outside that door!
You blow this, I don't even want to look at you.
Oh, stop it, will you, norm? Knock it off.
Norm!
Normie!
Ok. I'll go out there.
Thanks.
I love you, big guy!
Give her a try first.
If it doesn't work out, we can talk.
Come on, cliffie.
If she comes downstairs now and sees you standing there, she's going to know you've been there for 6 hours.
I mean, that looks pretty... pretty desperate.
So?
That's the way it is, isn't it?
This is what love comes to.
I want to remember this, Sammy.
Somebody take my picture.
Come on, cliff. Come on.
Come on. It's on me. Come on.
Sit down.
I guess you're right.
No more illusions about happiness for me.
I'm just going to sit right here and drink myself into oblivion.
No, you're not.
You'd just have 2 problems that way.
Aw, why did she stand me up?
That does it. From now on, I'm going to let my grooming and appearance go right to hell.
And you think the results will be noticeable?
Thank you, Carla.
I want abuse piled on me tonight.
Maybe I'll get it through my thick head that I'm nothing but a loser.
You know what my nickname was in high school?
No. You never told us.
That's because I didn't have one, coach.
I tried to get one started... You know, made it up myself.
Courteous cliff.
[Laughs]
Courteous cliff.
As long as you're making it up yourself, couldn't you have done a little better?
Eh, I didn't want to arouse suspicion, normie.
You know, I hear there's a tribe of men in the middle east called the essenites.
They're entirely celibate. They live without women.
And rumor has it that they are the happiest men in the world.
Tomorrow, I'm going to send for their brochure.
[Telephone rings]
Hello. Cheers.
No. There's no ponce de Leon here!
We don't have prince Albert in the can!
Why don't you do your homework...
Coach, coach, coach, I think that might be for me.
Oh.
Hello?
Yeah.
Really?
No. I understand. I...
Yeah, I... I understand.
Ok. All right. Bye.
Isn't that something?
She was afraid to meet me without her mask on.
I actually made a woman nervous.
That's incredible, isn't it?
So, you two going to get together?
Yeah. She's at a pay phone across the street.
She said she's coming right over.
All right. Way to go, cliffie. Yeah.
Well, let's not stand here.
We'll be up here.
Come here. Ok.
Thank you, coach.
Cliff, we don't want to have to eavesdrop, so keep your stupid remarks loud.
[Footsteps]
Hello.
Hi.
Uh...
I'm club cloofin.
Sorry.
I'm cliff... Clavin.
I'm Harry o'share...
Sharon hare.
I mean, I'm Sharon O'Hare.
[Coins clink]
[Rattles]
[Romantic music playing]
♪ Days turn to weeks
♪ when you're so far from me
♪ I tell myself
♪ you're so precious for me ♪
♪ I love you
♪ I love
♪ you
♪ time after time
♪ when I'm thinking of you
♪ I realize
♪ all the things that we'll do ♪
♪ I love you...