"Cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody. I'm back from my Florida vacation.
Yeah, good to be home again, back with the old g*ng.
Hey, how you been, pal?
Glad too, buddy.
Ah, look at that.
There's the old bar, huh? Hasn't changed a bit.
Hey, you're back. Good to see you.
It's good to be back. Oh, it's you.
You know, from behind, you look like a friend of mine.
Aw! Hey. You kidder.
I'll get you for that.
Eh, so, hi, coach. Hi, cliffie.
Boy, did I have a spectacular time down there in Florida, basking up the old Florida sunshine.
Hoo! I tell you, it really got my head screwed on straight, too.
You know, coach, that experience changed me.
I'm now at one with the cosmos.
[Blender roars]
No more getting caught up...
Um...
One with the cosmos, coach.
No more getting caught up in the petty irritations of day-to-day life.
I'm just the kind of guy...
Yeah, I stood on many a windswept beach, felt the oneness...
Felt...
I...
Anybody want a mai-tai?
Ha ha ha!
Ha! Mai-tai, cliff. Cliffie, look.
You get it? My tie?
My tie, cliffie.
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking the breaks from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Beer, normie?
You know how to make it sound tempting, you fast talker.
Guess who, buddy.
Cliffie. Missed you the last couple of days.
I, uh... I've been gone two weeks, norm.
I know.
God, I missed this guy.
So, uh, norm, how's Vera?
Any luck getting her in the family way yet?
Still working on it.
Hey, norm. You want a kid?
Not really.
I'm just kind of going along with it to shut Vera up, you know?
She says she wants to start a family so she'll have something to do.
Poor norm here's been sh**ting blanks the last couple of months.
Little louder, cliff. We'll dance to it, huh? Come on.
Hey, don't worry, normie.
You'll be planting your seed before you know it.
Hope so.
Doc says if something doesn't happen soon, we may have to take a drastic step.
You mean...
Sleep together.
Our prayers are with you, big guy.
Thank you, thank you.
So, coach, how's Sammy been doing since I've been away?
Just about the same, cliffie... terrible.
You should've seen him the other night, cliffie.
He walks in here with this lady librarian, right?
She's off duty, right?
They both have a snootful.
The librarian's got...
Sam: Hey, g*ng!
Never mind. My story's obsolete.
Coach.
Yeah?
This is my bar, isn't it?
Yeah, sure is, Sam.
See? I told you I owned a bar.
Ooh, I like it, Sam.
Well, it's not much, but then again... I am.
Hey, Sammy, I think you got one over the legal limit there, buddy.
Hey, cliffie's back.
How was your vacation?
Oh, my vacation. You remembered, huh?
Atlantic city, right?
Yeah, it was terrific. Thanks a lot.
What branch of the service are these young ladies in?
I stole them off the front of a parade last night, coach.
At this very moment, there are 26 tuba players marching right into the river.
Show them your stuff there, girls.
Ha ha ha!
God, I love it.
Excuse me, Sam.
While you're waiting for runway clearance...
Do you mind taking a look at this?
Well, this is a piece of paper, isn't it?
And those are words.
This is a letter or something.
It is Jo Ann's resignation.
Hey, girls, take a break and give your dimples a rest.
What?
We lost another waitress because she says she found out she wasn't the only girl in your life.
Oh, nonsense, Carla.
She's been listening to vicious rumors.
Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again.
We can't keep a waitress in here because you keep breaking their hearts.
Well, obviously, I need a good talking-to.
Sammy, this is serious!
We have gone through eight waitresses in six months.
Bet you I can remember all their names.
Dee Dee, carleen, Angela, sneezy, dopey, donner, and blitzen.
Ok, girls.
Yo!
Step right this way, ladies.
Time for the halftime show at the sammydome.
There you go. Step lively.
Poor Sam.
Yeah. My heart bleeds for him.
Yeah, sure, cliffie, he looks like he's having a lot of fun, but believe me, this is just the first stage.
He's going to end up drinking himself senseless.
Turning into a real jerk, you know?
Spends his time boozing, chasing skirts, and loving and leaving waitresses.
Wonder what set him off.
Suppose maybe it might've been diaaa...
Diabetes!
You were going to say that name, weren't you?
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were. You know my rule.
I didn't say it.
I don't even want you to think it.
Use that name, and I will give you a sunroof.
All right, look, look, what difference does it make how it started?
The important thing is, can we do anything to stop him?
If we can't stop him, can we join him?
[Women giggling]
If we can't join him, do you think he'd let me watch?
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, he's here. I'll give him the message.
Normie, it's Vera. She says to hurry home.
Her cycle is at its peak.
Again?
Her cycle has more peaks than the adirondacks.
Hey, all systems are go there, big fella.
Even secretariat got to wait till he was in the mood once in a while.
♪ Birds do it, bees do it ♪
♪ even educated fleas do it ♪♪
poor coach.
After all you went through with Sam, seeing him right back there where he was.
Really, Carla, it's eating me up, I'm telling you.
I'm so desperate, I feel like I'm gonna do something crazy.
As a matter of fact, I am going to do do something crazy.
Wait a minute, coach. What are you going to do?
I know exactly what Sam needs.
Coach, your apron.
He's got an apron!
Diane: Just put them down over there, boggs.
Thank you, miss. Now I know why I became a chauffeur instead of a longshoreman.
I would have been 72 on me next birthday.
I appreciate your bringing me home, boggs.
Well, your mother and I felt very strongly that the first face one should encounter on leaving a place like that should be a friendly one.
Speaking of mother, why didn't she ever visit me there?
Well, she wanted to visit you, miss Diane, but you know how uncomfortable she is around psychiatrists.
She could have written me a letter.
And let them see her handwriting?
Boggs, that's insane.
Well, as your mother would say, let's see them prove it in court.
Which reminds me, I should be getting back to her right now.
Well, thanks again for driving me home, boggs.
It's my pleasure.
I must say, it's so nice to see you happy again.
Boggs, I think I'm as happy as I've ever been.
I have a new life.
All these wonderful things have happened to me.
I'm better now.
[Knock on door]
Aah! Miss?
I'm fine, boggs. I was just a little startled.
That's a perfectly normal reaction.
Perfectly.
[Knock] Aah!
Who is it?
It's Ernie pantuso.
Coach?
What do you want?
Diane, I have to talk to you. It's important.
Coach, you're a dear man, and I love you, and I've missed you, but you're part of a period of my life that I want to see fade into memory.
Do you understand, coach?
Coach?
Western union.
This is a man I could never resist.
How have you been?
I'm fine, honey. How have you been?
I'm ok.
I'm sorry I had to fool you that way.
Hi.
Perhaps I should be taking this opportunity to be going along.
Um... well, say hello to mummy.
Why don't you have her call me?
You know how she feels about telephones.
Well, tell her to write... Or I'll write...
Or maybe well just run into each other sometime.
Nothing would please her more.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
How many pair of socks do you figure a guy like that has?
I have no idea.
Can I get you something?
I don't know exactly what I've got.
I've been away several months at a sani... vacation.
At a vacation.
Oh, gee, you didn't happen to run into cliffie, did you?
No. Did he have a nervous... vacation, too?
Oh, he's a wreck. Ohh.
Uh, listen, Diane, have you given any thought to stopping by the place and saying hello to everybody?
Coach, that wouldn't be a good idea.
Why do you ask?
Does anyone there ask about me?
No. That Carla won't let them.
Diane, listen, I want you to come back to cheers and have a talk with Sam.
Talk with s-s-s-s...
S-s-s-s...
S-s-s-s...
Yes. It's very important.
Maybe s-s-s-s...
S-s-s-s...
S-S...
Maybe the bartender there...
Didn't tell you about our last conversation, but it ended in wrath and acrimony.
I vowed never to return to cheers.
And I want to make this very clear to you.
Nothing in heaven or hell will ever get me back there. Sam.
Diane, you might be my last chance.
Sam's boozing again.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Poor s-s-s-s...
Poor, dear s-s-s-s...
Am.
Well, I'm back.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
What'll it be, normie?
A transfusion with a head on it.
Normie, are you sure you want to have a kid?
Well...
You know, once the monster comes along, your whole life is going to be different.
Yeah? Yeah.
Coach, you've had kids.
Does a baby change you?
Are you kidding, normie? It can't even change itself.
Well, I'll have to remember that.
What day is it? Coach: Friday.
Well, that's it for me. Good night, everybody.
Have a good evening.
Sam, please. You can't leave.
Why not?
A friend of yours is dropping by this afternoon, and I kinda promised that I'd keep you here.
Oh, hey, great. One of my old buds.
I smell high times coming.
No, actually, it's one of your old girlfriends.
Better still. Hope it's one of the wild ones, coach.
But then again, they were all wild, weren't they?
Well, no, they weren't all wild.
Hold it right there, coach.
If you're talking ab...
If you're talking about the stick, I'm gonna pull your lower lip up over your head like a cabbage leaf.
Cut it out, Carla.
Diane's not coming back here.
She said she's not coming back.
Well, she just might come by.
What makes you say that?
Because I asked her.
You what?
What the hell did you do that for?
I knew you were going to hate this, but please, just listen to what she has to say.
Promise me.
Oh, I know what this is all about.
It's this drinking crap, isn't it, coach?
How many times do I got to tell you, I'm drinking because I like it, because it tastes good, and because I want to.
Oh, god, coach, I don't want to see Diane chambers.
Well, you're going to have to see her because she's coming by here any second now!
God!
We're all sitting around here like we're at the queen's tea, and that thing is on its way.
In fact, it's very close.
I can sense it.
Aah!
Uhhh!
It's here, and it's going to walk in and say something. Ooh!
Stay out of this, Carla.
Hello...
Sam.
Hi there.
Did you forget something?
I just dropped in to see how everyone was doing.
Oh, I just got back from Florida, Diane.
Everybody's doing fine.
You're looking pretty good.
Thank you, Sam. How are you doing?
Oh, I've never been better in my entire life.
Oh, for god sakes, will you stop it, Sam?
You've been boozing with two hands ever since Diane walked out on you.
Sam, I'm so sorry.
You know, you both are crazier than hell.
I threw her out of here.
And my drinking has got nothing, repeat, nothing, to do with Diane chambers.
You hear that, everybody?
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
No, you're all wrong.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
I did start drinking when she left.
I was celebrating.
Celebrating the day I got rid of you.
You hear that, everybody?
Celebrating! Celebrating!
Well, let me tell you something, Sam.
I have two birthdays now...
One to Mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.
Just one more time:
You did not walk out of here, I kicked you out.
And I would do it again, except no man deserves that much pleasure in one life.
Your brain could find shelter in the shade of a snow pea.
Hey! No, Sam.
Please.
I didn't come here to fight with you.
I came here to help.
Ah.
Well, I've never been happier in my entire life.
What are you going to do?
Help me out of all my happiness?
You're the one person who could do it.
No.
All I really want you to do is see a friend of mine.
He's a man I met recently at a sani... vacation.
She's been locked up in a home for the silly in Connecticut for three months.
I was not locked up. I could come and go at will.
And besides, it's not true... and how did you know about it?
I got a cousin who's a private d*ck.
I wanted to find out if you were really gone, and you were really gone.
I entered golden brook of my own volition for a little rest, relaxation...
[Sam laughing]
What are you laughing at?
Well...
I've had women get depressed when they left me, but I've never had one that went...
Bee-bee-buh-buh!
Charm like yours is a hard thing to live without all right.
It had nothing to do with you, Sam.
After I left here, I decided I needed to regroup.
I needed to go some place and take a good look at myself.
Ah. Shock treatment.
Carla, let's help Sam first, and when the psychiatric profession has gained confidence from that triumph, we'll put every man Jack of them on your case.
Sam, will you please just meet this man?
Come on, Diane, look...
Yeah, I'm drinking again, but it's not... It's not the same thing.
This time it's good-time controlled drinking.
Before, it was negative. Now it's for fun.
It won't k*ll you to talk to the guy, Sam.
Coach!
It's a waste of time.
Am I right, Carla?
See what the stick's friend has got to say.
Oh, come on, Carla.
You listening to this, guys?
Sammy, I just want to say this because you're my friend, all right?
Don't get all defensive, but maybe you are drinking a little more than you should.
So are you.
I already have a mother, lush-face.
Sorry. I just think maybe you ought to hear the guy out.
Sammy, the way I see it is it can't do any harm.
I mean psychiatry's come a long way since the snake pit age.
Sam... they're all trying to tell you you need help.
I know what they're saying, and I know why they're saying it.
Coach here got them all to g*ng up on me.
Boy, I tell you, when you try to be a fun-loving drunk, you sure find out who your friends are.
Ok, fine, Sam, forget it. Drink all you want.
But I know the real reason you're doing it.
Oh, what are you talking about? What real reason?
You're afraid that I'm right about you and the doctor.
And one thing in the world you can't stand is admitting that I'm right about anything.
Wrong again.
You're scared, Sam.
Ok.
If I go see this guy and he tells me that I'm just a happy, well-adjusted souse, which he will if the quack has a brain in his head, would you all please leave me alone?
Of course. Won't we?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure.
Ok, fine. Tell him to drop by.
I'll try to fit him in between dames.
Why don't you say hello to him right now.
Hello, Sam.
I'm Dr. Frasier crane. I'm sorry I startled you.
This is weird.
Diane told me that you're basically a good, open-minded person and that you'd be responsive, so I took the Liberty of dropping by a little early.
She actually said something nice about me, huh?
She says a lot of nice things about you.
Really?
So let's say we go somewhere and have a cup of coffee and get to know each other.
Ok, fine.
A few cups of Irish coffee and a chat it is.
You mind if I freshen up a little bit?
Fine.
Thank you, Sam.
Boy, you sure are back in here for somebody who said they were never coming back in here.
Human beings change, Sam.
I've changed. So can you.
And rest assured, my coming here is a one-time visit.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you just called me human for the first time.
I guess I just needed a little time to think about it.
I knew it. What?
I knew it.
What? Knew what?
Are you kidding me, coach?
Don't you see what's going on here?
She's nuts about me.
Her young Dr. Killjoy there is just her way of saving face to get back in the bar.
I don't know, Sam.
Oh, come on, I know the look.
She's in love.
Well, I have to run.
Diane, you're a remarkable woman to help a man who's caused you so much grief.
I'm free of it now, frasier.
I'm free of so many things now that I've fallen in love with you.
I am the luckiest person on earth.
The second luckiest.
Not... here, Diane.
Of course.
I get carried away sometimes.
I understand.
That's why I love you.
[Theme music playing]