"Cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
O.k., please, everybody, listen up.
It's time once again for the third annual cheers picnic.
Now, I'm going to need volunteers for these various committees.
First, food. Now who will volunteer to take care of the grub?
Well, what the heck?
I... I can do this one. Ernie pantuso.
I did a pretty good job last year.
At least no one complained.
This brings us to the entertainment committee.
Who wants to chair this baby?
Well... entertainment goes right along with food.
Ernie pantuso.
We'll need two captains for the softball teams.
Two. Uh... Come on. A show of hands, huh?
Well, I can handle one team.
Ernie pantuso.
O.k., so... Who wants the other?
One more.
Well, uh, I'm going to be out there on the field anyway, so... ernie pantuso.
Oh, and last but not least, I need somebody to head up transportation.
I got it.
Ernie pantuso.
Now, there'll be a meeting of committee chairmen at my house tonight at 8:00.
Please, everybody, try to be on time, huh?
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.
Hi, Sam.
Where have you been?
Well, I had to run a few errands.
Oh... funny thing happened to me this afternoon.
I was on my way to Boston magazine to be interviewed as one of the 20 most eligible bachelors in the city when I saw this man walking a dog.
Now, the funny thing is the dog wasn't walking like a dog.
He was walking like a man up on his hind legs.
Where's a camera when you need one?
O.k., enough jokes.
Back to work.
20 most eligible bachelors?
What's that?
Boston magazine?
And you let them list you?
Well, if I hadn't, I would've missed that funny dog.
You'll dine out on that story there, Sammy.
Yeah.
Why do you want them to list you as an eligible bachelor?
Isn't that for men who are actively seeking female companionship?
No. Not entirely. No, no.
It's just good publicity for the bar, that's all.
Besides, it gave me a chance to air some of my views on political issues.
What political issues did you air views on?
I told them I thought nuclear w*r would be bad news.
Oh, Sam, you've stirred up a hornet's nest there.
Really? Well, uh...
I can always say I was misquoted.
Oh, I see, when they say eligible bachelors, they mean eligible for a brain transplant.
I knew it!
I knew you'd make a big deal out of this.
You make a big deal out of everything.
Come on, all it was was a little article on my life, my interests, and a simple picture of me.
It wasn't like it was cheesecake.
No, Sam. With men, it's beefcake.
If I posed, it would be cheesecake.
If you posed, it would be crumb cake.
Sam...
I'm very hurt by this.
Oh, don't be.
All right, I'll tell you something right now that's gonna make you feel better.
I wanted it to be a surprise, but...
When I was talking to that lady reporter, I said, "yeah, I may be a bachelor, but it so happens
"I've already found the woman of my dreams, and her name is Diane chambers."
Really, Sam?
That's very sweet.
Call and check.
Her name's Helen costello. She's still there.
I don't have to call.
I believe you.
I trust you.
I think that was a wonderful thing to do.
Yeah. Me, too.
She bought that?
I'd like to sell her the old north church.
Good luck.
I owned that once.
It took me forever to unload it.
Boy, did I take a bath on that!
Boy, I really did it this time.
What are you worried about?
She already bought the story.
When the magazine hits the stands, just tell her it's not your fault.
See, the reporter didn't mention your sweetie.
Yeah, foolproof.
At best I'm just buying time.
She said she wouldn't call, but she'll call.
There was a time when she wouldn't have called, but now, she'll call.
You don't trust Diane very much.
Coach, it's gotten to the point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.
I know what you mean.
Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.
It's not my fault.
You know, she always starts things...
Telling me how to walk, how to act, how to think.
Yeah. You've been doing those things since you were what... 14?
You know, it's gotten to the point where I start doing things I don't even want to do, but just knowing it'll tick her off, I got to do them.
The more I think it's gonna drive her crazier, the happier I get.
Is that weird?
No, no. We know the woman.
Sammy, I think it's time for a romantic gesture, like a little trinket to smooth the water.
No, I've done all that stuff before.
I tell ya, it's gonna take a lot more than music and a candlelit dinner to shut her up this time.
Sam, listen...
I'm telling you, it's time for you to take a big step.
Now, I wouldn't say this ordinarily to anyone in a million years.
But you know what might help?
If you actually had physical relations with her.
I... I don't think so, coach.
I think we're both going to wait until we're sure how we feel about each other.
You're a good old-fashioned guy, Sam.
All right, you want to hear the most romantic thing I heard a guy do in a long time?
What?
Well, I heard that Sally got mad at Burt because she heard he was going to do another movie with loni.
So Burt, to make up for it, had someone paint a portrait of Sally.
Thank you very much for that enlightenment, Carla.
Now, we can knock off with the fan magazine drivel.
I read yesterday that Burt and Sally are headed for the altar.
You know, that's not such a bad idea, having a portrait done.
I mean, she'd like that kind of thing.
Refill, Sam.
Yeah, it shows some thinking.
It's sensitive. It's personal.
The altar?
How can Burt do that with the terrible secret he and dinah still share?
Hey, whoa. Do you mind here? Carla, come on.
Now, what kind of artist should I get to paint Diane?
Better get a bad one. Why?
You don't want it to look like her, do you?
You know, your wisecracks all the time don't make things any easier.
Come on, Sam. You know my philosophy.
If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.
Come on, help me out here.
W-Where do you go to find an artist?
What, do you go to a store or something?
Store. Come on, Sam.
We're not talking about TV dinners here.
We're talking about artists.
You got to go to where the artists are, you know, to an artist... Place.
What's that terrible secret Burt and dinah share?
I can't tell you.
In a reader's poll, I voted they should have more privacy.
Hey, listen, fellas, Sam, can I put this all in check for a minute?
Now, I happen to be a wonderful artist.
I'd just love to do a picture of Diane.
I'd consider it a challenge and I'd welcome it.
You never told me about this talent.
Sure. Here. Let me show you.
Norm, just hold it like that, please.
Stinks.
Yeah, it does.
Ooh, I just remembered.
It was my brother that had all the artistic talent.
Yeah, now I remember.
My talent is eating things that aren't food.
Can we get back to this art thing, please?
Oh, yeah, I deliver mail to an artist.
He's very successful artist, too.
I'll tell you how successful he is.
Yesterday he received a letter, had a check in it for $25,853 from a guy named sweeney.
How do you know what was on the check?
When I was putting it in the slot, it happened to pass in front of a 300-watt bulb.
You want me to get on the horn, get him in here?
Yeah, I guess I could talk to him. You think he'd come down and bring some of his pictures?
Sure, I'll give it a sh*t.
I usually hesitate to use the power vested in me by the post office and the almighty, but in this case, I'll make an exception.
Anybody got a dime?
Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
Maybe this whole thing's about to blow over.
Sam?
Yeah?
We've been very childish in the past.
We have?
Yes. Over things like this magazine article.
I was just about to call that reporter to check your story, but I didn't. I'm so proud I didn't.
Me, too.
I know we're not perfect, and we're going through a difficult time, but...
I just decided this is the perfect time to start fresh.
Let's...
Cleanse our relationship.
From this moment on, no more pettiness, no more suspicions, no more dishonesty.
You really mean this, don't you?
I really do.
O.k. O.K., Diane.
Yeah, I'll start being honest with you right now.
You know how I told you how I told that reporter all about you?
I didn't tell her anything about you.
I see.
But I wish I had.
Thank you for respecting me enough to tell the truth.
Actually I... i'm lying again, because I'm glad I didn't tell her.
It would've made me look whipped.
If you want me to get on that telephone and tell her...
I won't.
I was about to say I would, but I won't.
The truth is that I like having millions of women looking at my picture and dreaming, "I want him."
This is just me being honest with you here.
That's exactly what I wanted.
Well, this is great. This is great.
Why didn't we do this sooner?
I don't know.
You see how if you start telling the truth right away...
Sammy, I'll make that phone call, huh?
You kids just carry on with what you're doing there.
Hey, coach, someone just put their names on your picnic sign-up sheet.
No kidding. How many?
Uh, three.
We got Ziggy stardust, the mad hatter, and Clark Kent.
Wow, looks like I got myself an infield.
Hey, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
How you feeling, norm?
Naked without my beer.
Walked all the way over here dragging my thirst behind me.
So how was dinner, norm?
Listen up, everybody. Stay away from that, uh...
Hungry heifer place, that new place downtown.
Yeah, but they've been advertising that a lot. No good?
No. It's awful. Served me a terrible piece of meat, tough potatoes. Soggy vegetables.
Why didn't you send it back?
Here's another thing. The service stinks.
By the time the waiter got there and asked if everything was o.K., I was through.
Can I help you?
I have come to pander to the tastes of the tasteless.
You want to head the food committee.
We got our chairman for the food committee!
Yeah, I like my buffalo sunny-side up there, chief.
You referring to my apparel?
Hey, no offense there, little beaver, but it is a tad...
A tad out of the mundane, you know?
Excuse me, sir, but what is that outfit?
This is an arapaho ceremonial tunic worn by the village elders when they hold council in the hunting lodge.
I earned it by letting them Pierce my flesh with wild Turkey quills.
This is a jc penney wash 'n' wear, tapered tails.
Salesman was a little nasty, but I didn't have to go through anything like that.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
I was told he was interested in buying some of my work.
You must be Phillip semenko, huh?
I'm cliff clavin, your mailman.
We finally meet face-to-face.
I can die now.
Yeah, you got a great wit about you.
Thanks for stopping by.
I don't like to be touched.
Hey, I can grok that.
I don't like to be touched either.
I bet neither one of you has to tell that to a lot of people.
Here's the connoisseur now.
Sam! Our artist friend Mr. Semenko is here.
Hi. I'm Sam Malone.
Mr. Smetma...
Uh... smok... semekama...
That walking fire hydrant over there told me you were a man of taste and intelligence.
I see no evidence of that.
Well, maybe he's exaggerating a little bit.
See, actually I'm new to this art thing, but I've heard a lot of good things about you.
And I think you may be just the guy to get me out of the doghouse with my girlfriend here by painting a little picture of her.
I don't care how you do this.
As long as you make it look exactly like her and if you can have it here by tomorrow, that would be great.
I've got some snapshots here I took while we up in the mountains.
That's her on the left there.
These were taken up in New Hampshire.
We got this little cabin... How about that?
I'm wearing the funny hat there in that one.
This one's pretty good.
This was sh*t up in the cabin right there.
You ever get up that way?
I, uh... I guess not.
It is o.K. If you hold these by the edges.
Is there a problem here?
Your existence!
I was told I was coming here to meet a wealthy art investor who could fill my coffers.
No, I'm not above that... Yet.
Instead I find myself face-to-face with a nightmarish product of our floundering American educational system.
Hey, hey. I don't have to take that... Do I?
Why don't we just call this whole thing off?
I'm not so crazy about your attitude.
You, sir, are an ignorant man.
You are all ignorant.
You are all stuff to fill graves.
Don't forget to tell your friends about cheers.
Don't feel too bad, Sammy.
I feel partly to blame.
Let's talk, cliff.
Hello, everyone.
I'm back.
Oh, hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I... Stormed off like that.
I've cooled off.
Coach, Carla, everybody.
Let's just continue.
It's important you all know that I wasn't really trying to k*ll Sam when I wrapped the telephone cord...
May I help you?
That's the face I've been looking for.
Sorry. I'm still using it.
I could let you visit it on weekends.
Two drafts, coach.
Coming up.
Thanks.
What, what, what?
What do you want from me?
I'm Phillip semenko.
I want to paint you.
Phillip semenko, the genius?
That's redundant.
I've seen your work, and you're brilliant.
And I love this arapaho ceremonial tunic.
What are you doing here?
Up till now, fondly remembering my bout with jaundice.
But then I saw you.
I want you to be my next subject.
Oh, you're kidding.
Me?
Why?
You have an ancient soul, and it's suffering, suffering more now than it has ever suffered before.
Suffering?
Yes.
Your spirit is imprisoned, trapped, stretched on a rack.
Your eyes...
Have the look...
Of a strangling sparrow.
Well, that's in this year.
Last year it was bangs.
Hey, Tonto, I thought I told you to b*at it.
Please, something important is happening.
That's right. You're leaving. The deal's off.
Now make yourself scarce. Come on, b*at it.
You have nothing to do with this!
How dare you interrupt the artistic process at its very start?
That's how I get my kicks. Come on. Move.
Sam, stop.
This is Phillip semenko, the genius.
He wants to paint me.
I've never been so excited in my life.
You heard of this clown before?
Yes, of course.
He's one of the most promising young artists in the country.
Someday he could be great.
Come on, Diane. If he was a great artist, what's he doing alive, huh?
Sam, for goodness sake, will you stop?
This is a chance in a lifetime.
Can't you see how fascinated he is by me?
I'll start our sessions tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Maybe now.
Whoa, wait a minute here. Don't you see what's going on?
He's gonna invite you over to his place, ask you to get all nuded up.
Hey, that happens to be my territory, fella.
Sam, don't be silly.
Now, of course he wouldn't want me nude.
But even if he did, I'd do it.
The man is brilliant.
You don't want me in the nude, do you?
God knows, I'm open-minded about that sort of thing.
It's just this time of year, there's so many colds around.
I paint the soul, not the body.
To me, every soul is naked.
The weirdo walks.
Sam, you can't do this.
I want him to paint me.
I can't let an opportunity like this pass.
Honey, I don't like him.
You do anything with him, do anything, go anywhere, share a bus with him, and we're through.
I have spoken.
Fine.
What?
I said fine. Whatever you want.
I see how strongly you feel about it.
So, fine.
Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I got something else I want to tell you.
As soon as I think of it, I will.
Here, here.
He said that well.
I can only imagine the hell you've endured.
It hasn't been easy.
Well...
Goodbye.
Wait.
I really want you to paint me.
What about that malignant growth you call a boyfriend?
Oh, just give him some time to cool down.
Once he sees the finished work, he'll forgive me. He'll forgive you.
He'll forgive everything.
He'll hate it.
He'll hate you for doing it.
If you pose for me, it will drive a permanent wedge between you and that man.
So you won't do it?
I'll do it for free.
Let's go.
Hey, listen up, everybody.
I'm sorry about coming on so strong like that.
I know you think it's pretty unprofessional, but roughhouse is the only language some people understand.
If I have to, I know how to speak it.
Ok, thanks for your attention.
Just go back and have some fun there.
Where's Diane?