Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, coach.
Someone just ordered one of your famous kontikitikis.
No kidding, Carla? I haven't made one of those in a long time.
This is going to be great.
Kontikitiki.
♪ La da da ♪ I love watching you make this drink, coach.
It's like watching Beethoven play his own tunes.
Thank you, Carla. Thank you.
♪ La Dee Dee dum ♪
And...
There you go, Carla.
Coach, you forgot to blend it.
I'm sorry.
I haven't made one of these since last summer.
I know. I know. Ok.
Here we go.
♪ Ka wee ka la ka moo ♪
♪ la wa la la ♪
♪ making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Cliff: Yeah, well, with the recent strides in genetic engineering, we'll soon be faced with the possibility of producing enormous farm animals to feed the hungry millions.
Imagine... one cow to feed an entire city, one egg making an omelet for an entire family.
Yeah, with the advances we're making today, the future is limitless, norm.
So is his mouth.
Doesn't he ever shut up?
Who?
Gabby, the wonder boob.
Is that humorous appellation supposed to refer to me, friend?
Yeah.
You realize your lips have been flapping for over an hour?
Give it a rest, pal, and give us a break.
Doesn't seem fair, does it, norm?
What?
That I should have so much knowledge when that are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.
Watch your step, pal.
Well, I guess I did carve the guy up a little bit with my rapier wit, huh?
Better go scrape him up off the mat.
Hey, listen, friend.
Yeah.
We sort of got off on the wrong foot.
Why don't we just go out, I'll buy you a beer, and we'll talk it over like decent human beings, huh?
No, thanks. I don't like you.
How'd it go, cliffie?
I don't know, norm, the guy's taken an inexplicable personal dislike to me.
Must be deranged.
Sam, have you filled in your football pool yet?
I got to pick up the slips in half an hour.
I'm working on it, coach.
I'm almost done with mine, coach.
Good girl, Diane.
Yours?
Why do you even bother to fill one out?
You don't even like football.
I don't dislike it.
Believe it or not, Sam, I was on the pep squad when I was in high school.
Some of my most stirring memories are cheering for... Whoever it was to do... Whatever they were supposed to do to whomever they were supposed to do it.
Boy, spirit like that can really fire a team up, huh?
In the first contest... wait. Whoa.
Hey, Diane, you don't know the first thing about football.
You know that?
Who won the pool last week?
You never even been to a pro game before.
Who won last week?
You don't watch it on television.
Who won?
All right. You won! You won! You won! You won!
Ok? You won.
Anybody can win every once in a while.
Everybody gets lucky. It's the law of averages.
That's all.
Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you...
1974, but I've come close a lot of times since then.
A lot of times.
It was a decade of upsets.
All right, all right.
You interested in winning consistently?
Sit down. Watch and learn, ok?
Oh, my Sammy is putting on his thinking cap.
It's a wee, pointy, little thing with ear flaps, but on you it looks roomy.
Ok. Right now of the top of the page, you have bears against the dolphins.
Mm-hmm.
Now, we have a home field advantage, which means that you got to be...
Bears.
Bears, just like that?
Well, of course, Sam.
A bear against a dolphin? Come on.
That's not even a fair fight.
Now what about those Dallas guys against Atlanta?
Ok. All right, all right.
Atlanta, Atlanta, uh...
What color uniforms do they wear?
Color?
Yes. The color will tell you the winner.
Red beats blue, blue beats yellow, yellow beats mauve.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You telling me that you're going to pick Atlanta over Dallas because of the color of their uniforms?
Dallas who, up until last week, had won six games in a row?
Who b*at them last week? Washington.
And what color was Washington wearing?
None of your business.
Diane, the laws of probability are very complex.
Indeed, indeed.
Normie, professors at Heidelberg university have recently done studies to try and predict the reoccurrence of albino gerbils...
God, it's time for the Mickey mouth club again.
Buddy, you don't know anything, so why don't you shut up before you prove it?
Cliff... I'm ashamed to know you if you don't go and stand up to that guy.
Let it ride, Carla, will you?
What are you, scared?
No, not scared. I just don't want to start a fight over a few hasty words, all right?
Look. Come here. Come here.
Look... you won't have to fight.
You just have to back him down a notch.
Trust me. I have been in a lot of fights, and I've seen a lot of fights, and believe me, fighting is the last thing on his mind.
You just call him out.
Stare at him eyeball to eyeball, and watch him crumble.
Yeah, like two fighters. They stare each other down before the bout.
You got it.
The name of the game is intimidation.
Real men have been doing it for centuries, and, believe me, it can work for guys like you, too.
So you think it will work, huh?
I'm positive. That guy is a blowhard.
Hey, you want me to do it for you? Hey, look.
I can do it myself, all right?
Diane: Sam, Sam, will you do something about this?
About what?
Carla is provoking cliff into a physical confrontation with that lout.
Cliff, I told you, I don't want anything more violent in my bar than an occasional love nibble.
That will never work with this guy.
Look, Sammy, it's all right.
There's not going to be any fisticuffs nearby.
I'm going over to the guy, stare him down.
He's going to be the first one to blink. Mark my words.
Wait, man, how... hey, no, Sam.
It's something I got to do, all right?
The gauntlet has been thrown down.
Well...
Hey!
Beagle-breath.
You better not be talking to me, pal.
If you don't like the way I talk, maybe there's something you'd like to do about it.
I'd be glad to.
Let's go outside.
You got it.
I'll pay my check, and I'll be right behind you.
Did he blink and I missed it?
Don't you worry, cliffo. He knows you're not afraid of him now, and he's worried.
Sure. Wouldn't be surprised if he turned tail and run by now.
No, norm. He's out there right now taking off his shirt.
Ooh. Nice upper body development.
Cliff: Well, just comes a time when you got to draw the old line.
Cliff, where are you going?
Home.
Cliff, you're going through melville's?
Yeah, Sam. I think it's the duty of every citizen to learn all the emergency entrances and exits in a public place in case of an emergency... Flood, atomic holocaust.
What a chicken.
Yeah, but what a citizen.
Well, how did my sammykins do in the football pool?
Well, not so great, but I wasn't the only one.
Oddsmakers took a real b*ating yesterday.
Nothing went according to form.
How many did you get?
I don't know. Let's see.
Three, four, five, six...
6 out of 13. That's not bad.
This...
Ok, ok. All right, all right.
Five.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Four. All right. Four.
Poor Sam.
"Poor Sam"? You kidding me? Poor everybody.
No-win day. Upsets right across the board.
I defy anybody to predict how most of those games turned out.
How'd you do?
Well, I'm afraid I didn't do very well either.
Oh, yeah? Ha ha!
I went entirely with cities whose symphonies are led by foreign-born conductors.
You're kidding, aren't you?
No.
I bet you did great with that system.
Well, not really. I only got 11.
The heck you did.
You got 12.
12 out of 13.
You're right. I miscounted.
Not only that, the one you missed, you missed by a mile here.
Hey, new rule around here...
All blonde waitresses out of the pool.
That's it. You don't get to bet on football anymore.
Tell you something, you are destroying the sport of football.
Ok.
Fine.
If it's so important to you.
But this makes it impossible for me to out test my theory on state flowers.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, cliff.
I'd like you to meet my post office pal here Lewis.
Lewis, that's Carla, Sammy, coach.
Hi, Lewis.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Lewis.
Can I have a couple of beers here, coach? Got it.
So what do you got the muscle for, huh, cliff?
What are you talking about, muscle?
Carla, Lewis and I go way back.
Ah, yeah.
Enjoy, Lewis. Enjoy.
Thanks, Chris.
It's cliff.
My pleasure.
Lewis, you look like an athlete. Ever play football or anything?
A little bit. Mostly I'm a fighter.
You're... You're a fighter?
You think you know a guy all these years.
He can still surprise you like that, huh?
I didn't know you were a fighter, Lewis.
Well, that's what you asked for in your ad up on the bulletin board.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, Lewis the kidder.
That's what they call him.
Yeah. Hi, it's Sam.
I want to put $200 on tonight's game.
Wait, wait, wait. Maybe you can help me out here.
Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower, the mountain Lily or the black-eyed Susan?
How am I supposed to know Leslie uggams?
Don't get me wrong.
It's not like I think all black people know each other.
It's just all good-looking people with lots of warmth...
Can I have another beer, coach?
[Rings bell]
Round one!
Cliff: Hey, come on, Carla. I'm a man of peace.
I'm perfectly willing to let bygones be bygones.
But if on the other hand, certain of my loud-mouthed brethren was to start trouble, that's their business.
Scotch.
Norm, did you hear about the studies being done over at Johns Hopkins about the "y" chromosome of persistent bar troublemakers?
They found a striking similarity between that and chronic droolers and idiots.
Ok, that's it!
Shut up, friend, and step outside.
And this time, you're going first so you can't give me the slip.
I'd really like to, but I think that would be rather rude to my enormous friend Lewis.
What's the problem?
Wait. I got no quarrel with you, pal.
This guy here is getting on my nerves.
Oh, yeah? And what exactly is it about him that bothers you?
I don't know.
The fact that he comes on as such an authority on everything.
Hey! It's a free country.
I know. I know it's a free country, but it bugs me.
He's got an opinion on every subject.
He never shuts up.
You know...
He does the same thing down at the post office.
But nobody ever thinks about b*ating him up over it.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, his whole attitude rubs me the wrong way.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Them kind of guys just do it to you.
Who knows why?
Well, actually, sociologists...
Shut up, Clint!
It's cliff.
Would you like another beer, Lewis?
No. I don't think so.
I think I'm going home.
Uh... let me give you a ride.
Oh, no, no.
I don't want my neighbors seeing me come home in a studebaker.
Now then...
I believe we were going to step outside.
All right.
All right.
All right. Look.
I'm a black belt in karate.
My hands are lethal weapons.
Ha ha ha! Karate...
Can you believe this guy?
Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to get out of here.
I'm going to go in the back and play a little pool.
You can say good-bye to your friends.
But listen...
If you're still here when I get back, we're going outside if I have to drag you there!
Karate, cliff?
For crying out loud! God!
Diane: What is wrong with that?
I think Clifford has shown excellent judgment.
Give me a break!
It's the oldest cop-out in the world.
Every sweetheart who wants to duck out of a fight says, "I know karate."
Well...
That's where you're wrong, Carla.
I've been studying secretly now for several years.
Yeah, very secretly considering none of us ever heard a word out of you about it.
Yeah, and we heard a word out of you about everything.
Well, it's something we don't like to talk about.
You just don't brag about it because it's spiritual attainment.
What? What? What?
Sam, cliff...
Very prudently, in my judgment...
Has refrained from taking advantage of that combative mesomorph with his superior knowledge of karate.
Right. Karate? Cliff?
Et tu, Sammy?
Oh, I'm sorry, cliff. Were you serious?
Hey, cliffie. I hate to ask, but if you do know karate, why did you have to bring Lewis in with you?
There's a very good reason for that, coach.
It's to scare off the other guy.
See, it's one of our major precepts.
We stay out of a fight if humanly possible.
Coach: All right.
Well, I, for one, believe you, Clifford.
And I do, too, cliffie.
And I believe you, cliff.
I believe you are a big dink.
Hey, kung fu.
I thought I told you to get lost.
What are you going to do, pal, throw all my customers out of my bar?
Hey, I'm not looking for trouble, Sam.
This guy knows I don't like him, and he's been pushing me.
If he'll admit that he's a coward and a liar, I'll walk away and never bother him anymore.
Aw, come on. What's the point?
Admit it, coward, or get out of here.
You happy, pal? You proved your point?
Why don't you get out of here, huh?
Hey, look, I'm sorry, Sam.
Guy just brings out the worst in me.
Poor cliff.
Wonder if he'll ever come back.
I wouldn't if I was him.
Sam, can I knock off now?
Yeah. I'll catch up with you later.
Sam: Hey, cliff.
If you're planning to hit him with those, you're too late. He left.
These aren't for him, Carla.
These are for you, my so-called friends.
Gee, thanks, cliff. I need a brick.
Cliffie, where did you get that stuff?
The construction site next door, normie.
I want to give you a little demonstration of what might would've happened to that guy if I hadn't kept a lid on my anger.
Sam, what's he doing with his shoe off?
Hey, man, you don't have to do this.
Listen, this is nothing to go fooling around with.
He is not fooling around.
He's a black belt.
All right.
I'm not going to get a splinter or anything am I?
Just keep a good grip on that, normie.
Cliff, you're really crazy.
This thing is solid.
It's just the way I like them, Carla...
Solid.
Hyah!
Bravo!
Get that sucker back in here!
Now that I've proven my point, good-bye to you all forever.
Oh, no! Hey, hey, hey.
Cliff, cliff, cliff.
Come on back in here. Let us set you up.
All right, but I'd like to have a little word with Diane here first.
Oh. All right! All right!
Diane, look, I've never taken a karate lesson in my life.
Would you get me to a hospital quick?
Um...
Good night, everyone.
Cliff is, um...
Is going to walk me to my car for my protection.
Anybody got a problem with that?
No. No. No.