Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, Diane.
Hey, coach, you know how Sam is always complaining that I'm not "spontaneous"?
Yeah. He always goes something like, "Diane, can't you be more spontaneous?"
At any rate, it really irritates me.
It irritates me, too, especially when he goes like that.
Coach, Sam doesn't do that.
You do that.
That doesn't make it any less irritating.
Today I'm going to do something unequivocally spontaneous.
May I have the phone, please?
Spontaneous phone.
A classmate in my Samoan literature class told me about a 200-year-old country inn hidden in an island off the coast of Maine that you have to be ferried to.
By the time the weekend is over, he'll think of the pequod as our place.
Yes, I'd like a room for Malone.
Yes, that's right. Sam Malone.
His usual room?
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay, there's a lovely inn up in Vermont my wife and I used to drive to all the time.
What inn?
In our station wagon.
Diane, Vera and I once went to this really beautiful, romantic old place called the Fairview in New Hampshire.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, really romantic.
I mean, they don't have any telephones or televisions.
Just have these old fireplaces and these romantic old feather beds, antiques I think.
So you really have to kind of snuggle right up there to your loved one.
Mm-hmm.
The best part about it for me was they had this beautiful old romantic circular driveway.
So I didn't even have to stop.
I just rolled through and yelled, "cancel Peterson!"
Hey, everybody!
Oh, Sam. How would you like to go away with me this weekend to a country inn?
Ooh. What inn?
You're welcome to use my station wagon.
Excuse me?
It's a long story.
I haven't decide where we'll stay yet, but I want to pick a place you've never been, and we'll leave tonight.
O.k., everybody, listen up!
I'm in the worst mood of my entire life, so watch out, don't bug me, and stay out of my way!
This is the only warning you're gonna get.
Oh, come on, Carla, turn that frown upside-down.
Carla, Carla, Carla!
Whoa.
Now, come on. Easy, easy. Now, come on.
Come on.
Norman, are you all right?
I'm just glad I could be here for her.
Something's really bothering Carla, huh?
The man knows women.
Huh?
Listen, uh, maybe, uh, one of us should go in there and talk to her.
Who?
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
Stop showing off, will ya, cliffie.
We've got a real problem here.
Coach, I'll go in and talk to her.
I may be a little while here and I don't want to be disturbed, so if I get any phone calls, just take a message.
Ohh!
Hello. I'm Dr. Paul Kendall.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in violent situations and crisis behavior.
I can help that woman.
Excuse me.
Hello, Carla.
My name is Dr. Paul Kendall.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
Oh, hey.
You... you all right?
I never saw her coming.
I think she dropped from the ceiling.
Why don't you sit down over there.
We'll buy you a drink.
O.k., that's it. I'll take over.
Coach, maybe...
I'll do it. Let me do it, Sam.
Listen, I know Carla.
I know Carla like the back of my hand.
What the hell is that?
I never noticed that before.
Coach, maybe you ought to let her cool down.
Cliffie, what's this on the back of my hand?
I think...
That Carla very likely has the kind of problem with which only another woman can help.
Carla? This is Diane.
There really is such a thing as sisterhood.
Carla: Come on in.
We women stand together.
I think even leaders of nations could learn a great deal by observing the women of america...
Ahhh!
Look. You always claim you know the answers to everything.
Well, I'm calling your bluff.
I'm going to give you a chance to handle my problem.
I'll give you 30 seconds. If you blow it, I'm sending you back out there, and your face stays here.
Fair enough.
My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight.
Here's the invite.
How terrible for you.
I understand completely.
You've never really stopped loving him.
I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.
That's my spit.
I don't love that rat, and I never did!
Sure, there were little things I loved about him...
Like the way he flexed his tattoo...
The way the hair grew in his ears, the way he drooled in bed.
Carla...
Are you sure there's nothing left between you?
Nothing!
I'm just ticked because he's marrying a dish, and he's rubbing my nose in it.
He even sent a picture of her with the invitation.
Get a load of that.
She's naked.
So, so is he.
I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.
Anyway, he's got this foxy new broad, and I can't even get a date for his wedding.
I thought you were seeing someone.
His fingerprints grew back.
He had to leave the country.
Well, then take someone else.
If you want to play this game with Nick, then take somebody and pretend he's your fella.
Someone who will make Nick jealous.
Ooh.
That's good.
Someone tall and handsome, a hunk.
Maybe Sam...
Great idea!
I'm saved! I'm saved!
Knows somebody.
Maybe Sam knows somebody.
Sam, Diane had this great idea.
No, I didn't.
Don't be modest.
Nick is getting remarried tonight.
Ah. So that's what this is all about.
Yeah, well, anyway, Diane said that you should be my date for the wedding tonight to show Nick that I'm better than he is.
No. I didn't. It's a lunatic idea.
Hey, hey, honey, listen, I'm going away for the weekend.
That's right. Why don't you pick somebody else?
I'm strapped for time, and besides, you're the best-looking guy in this bar.
Got you there, Sam. Best-looking guy in the city.
Best-looking guy in the state.
No, he's not. As a matter of fact, there's a great-looking guy who used to drink here.
I think his name was cliffie clavin.
Hey. I'm Clifford clavin.
Oh, my god.
What did you do to yourself?
He used to look like Tyrone power.
Yeah, I lost my looks?
No. I think you're thinking of cliff clemens.
You've never looked any better than this.
Oh, that's a relief. Thank you, norm.
Hello, Carla.
Ah!
Oh, my god, it's Nick!
I'll be with you in a minute.
What do you say, Sammy?
Please, please!
Carla, Carla.
It would be a transparent charade.
Carla, hey, come on, I know how you and Nick are.
I don't want to get in the middle of that.
Thanks a lot.
Nick, what are you doing here?
I had a feeling you weren't going to show up at the wedding.
I wanted you to meet my fiancee...
Loretta...
And see for yourself that the photos were not retouched.
More than I can say for Loretta.
Watch your mouth.
Loretta, this is Carla...
Who I divorced, for obvious reasons.
Look, Nick, I'm going to make your day.
You're right. I'm not coming to your wedding.
No.
I'm aghast!
You knew it the whole time.
Sure I knew, you wouldn't want to be humiliated by all the people whispering at the ceremony, "boy, look how much better Nick did this time."
Carla, honey...
You sure you won't change your mind?
I think we could have a lot of fun at this wedding.
What about the weekend in the country?
Well, you two can go away after the ceremony.
This wedding is special.
What do you say, huh?
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait.
You and Sam, you're a couple?
Yeah. She put up quite a fight, but I finally got her.
Sam, I thought you was cool.
[Honk honk honk]
That's us, honey.
I guess the cabbie's getting tired of waiting.
Yeah, I don't want to make him angry.
See you two at the wedding, huh?
Yeah, we'll be there, Nick.
This is eerie.
Thank you, Sam. Thank you.
You're sure this is o.K. With you, Diane?
Certainly.
It really stirred my ire just watching that bait bucket.
I know.
He still has it, doesn't he?
Boy, I don't know how to thank you guys for hanging around here.
I always get so nervous when Sam isn't here and I have to cash out by myself.
You came pretty close tonight, coach.
How close, norm?
You're only off $16,000.
I never had an accounting course in my life.
You just got a flare for it, coach.
Thanks, normie.
Coach, listen, I'm going home to pack.
When Sam gets back from the wedding, will you tell him something for me?
Sure, honey. Good night.
I didn't tell you what to tell him.
Oh, I'll think of something.
Tell him I'll be back as soon as I'm packed, and we'll leave on our trip.
We'll tell him.
Good night.
So I'm not a pretty boy.
My father wasn't a pretty boy, either.
He was a beautiful man. Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm talking about? Absolutely.
I mean, beautiful... Inside.
Just a beautiful... if you could have seen that man's insides...
Next time he has an operation, let me know.
How was the wedding?
Oh, it was so great!
Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was it.
Sam kept putting his arm around me, hugging me, whispering in my ear.
Did Nick notice?
Notice? During the ceremony, he threw the ring at us and yelled, "pay attention!"
So, coach...
How did we do tonight, huh?
The total's a little off, Sam, you know.
20, 30,000?
16.
Hey!
Way to go, guy!
You're bucking for a promotion here.
Well, if it happens, it happens.
Good night, guys.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, coach.
Where's Diane?
Oh, yeah, she said she's packing, she'll be back shortly.
Thanks.
Cliff, come on, you've had a lot to drink tonight.
What do you say I drive you home? Come on.
Aw, normie, that's great of you.
You're a real friend, you know that?
You're just a pal when you need one.
If I ever have kids, I'm going to name them after you, even if they're girls.
Please, I'm just gonna give you a ride home.
Yeah, but I'm going to throw up in your car.
Coffee, Carla?
Yeah, thanks.
Sam, you were the greatest tonight.
I got to thank you for putting up with all that.
Are you kidding me? I had a terrific time.
You know, somebody should have said something to Nick.
He went through the whole ceremony with his fly open.
No, he knew.
It's a tradition in his family.
A sign of fertility.
Didn't you notice his father and all the ushers?
Oh, that's right, yeah.
Well, that explains it.
I thought it was 'cause the building was a little stuffy.
In fact, I flirted with the idea myself.
You know something, Carla?
What?
You surprised me tonight.
Why?
I never realize just how much you know about me.
All those stories about my career...
I mean, you know more stories about me than I do.
I had to make it look like the real thing.
Besides, I know everything about you. Right.
Your favorite color is blue, your favorite hobby is sailing, your favorite food is Chinese, and your taste in women is not what it used to be.
Right across the board. You do know me.
A lot better than you know me.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Your favorite meal is chicken McNuggets.
Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in vogue magazine.
And your favorite movie is lady and the tramp.
You always cry when they come to the part where they eat the spaghetti.
I didn't think anybody knew that.
I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew. What?
You go to mass every Sunday.
Who squealed on me?
See? I was just guessing, but that goes to show you how well I do know you.
Hey, you know, this conversation is getting a little soppy.
Why don't we talk about something else.
Baseball.
Nicky! Nick! Nick!
We're gonna miss the bus.
Keep your pants on!
This will only take five minutes.
We got forever together.
The ways youse twos was carrying on at my wedding...
All lovey-dovey and all that...
How long has this thing been going on between you two?
What's it to you? Answer the question!
You been seeing him while we were married?
No. I was always faithful to you.
Were you seeing Loretta while we were married?
What am I, on trial here?
The important thing is, if you was seeing him when we was married, our marriage was a lie.
You know, Nick, she's taken enough abuse from you.
If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna take you outside and I'm gonna teach you some manners.
This will be great. Nick's a bleeder.
I want to talk to you.
What about?
It's private.
Go on.
All right.
Make it quick.
I want you back.
Nick, you just got married.
Your bride is standing over there.
Easy come, easy go.
I'll lose her in the bus station.
That's where I found her.
Nick, are you nuts?
You still got wedding cake in the corners of your mouth.
I don't know what it is.
Ever time I looked at you today I said to myself, "Carla is not so bad."
Maybe I was making a mistake.
I don't know what it is.
What do you say, Carla?
I know what it is.
You saw me with Sam.
You saw that somebody else wanted me, so you wanted me back.
Well, forget it!
I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
Sure, I'll forget it...
If you can forget this.
So, how's married life treating you, huh?
Oh, I don't feel so different.
So... what do you say, Carla?
Nothing, Nick.
The magic is gone.
I got myself a better guy.
Uh... I took a sh*t.
Loretta, you're up!
By the way, I don't appreciate you coming to the wedding in the dress that you married me in.
Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon!
So come on, what happened?
What did he say?
He crawled to me, Sam, and I stepped on his heart.
All right, Carla. That's terrific.
You must feel great.
Hey, come on. What's this all about?
Hey, listen, you're on top.
He came back begging, and you b*at him.
What are you so upset about?
I didn't b*at him.
He only wanted me because he thought you did.
What he has is real.
All I have is a lie, and my life is terrible.
Aw, hey...
Come on, Carla.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
Ooh.
Well, uh...
You know what that was, don't you?
No. Do you?
I think so.
Good. What was it?
Well, uh...
We've been together all afternoon and all over each other.
It's just the natural thing to do.
That wasn't it.
Well, what was it?
It was a pity kiss.
I've gotten them, I've given them, and I know what they are.
So have I, and that wasn't one.
Then what was it?
Maybe we just wanted to find out what it'd be like.
Maybe.
So, uh, what was it like?
What was it like for you?
I've had better.
Well, I haven't.
I know.
Well...
Whatever it was, it's over now.
Yeah.
Ain't gonna let that get in the way of a good friendship, huh?
If it picks you up any, I never had a better handshake.
Hi, guys.
Well, what happened?
Oh, it was great.
We made a shambles of the wedding.
Yeah, Diane, I want to thank you. Sam...
Tonight the three of us joined together and were able to make another human being eat his liver.
Life, I love you!
Good night.
Well, Sam, I'm ready for our weekend.
You sure you got everything?
I believe in being prepared.
With all this luggage, I hope you didn't forget to pack that frilly black baby doll nightie I love so much.
I'm sorry, Sam. It's at the cleaners.
Couldn't you wear something else?
Just this once.
O.k., but if I don't like it, we come right home.
O.k.