Yeah, that was my postal supervisor.
They need me down at the branch office to help handle that holiday deluge.
Ah, terrific, and now this.
My coat's underneath this mess.
All right, everybody, come on up here and get your jackets, will you?
This is official government business.
Carla.
Got it, Sam.
Stand back.
I'm going in.
I'll find you, you little...
[Cheering]
Carla, this is obviously not my...
Put it on, or I tear off the clothes you're wearing.
Yes, ma'am. Yes. God bless you, Carla.
Ah, well, at least dogs won't att*ck their own, huh?
♪ Making the way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you want to be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you want to be ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you want to go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you want to go where everybody knows your name ♪
Allow me.
Thank you.
Watch this.
How do you do that without burning your hand?
I don't.
Sam, show her some of the other tricks.
Oh? You know a lot of tricks, do you?
Yeah, I know my share.
Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend.
Come on. You're going to like this one.
Watch this.
Woo! Ooh! Ooh!
Good evening. Welcome to cheers.
What can I get you?
What's your bartender's specialty?
He's got a great batch of hot buttered rum going. How's that?
Sounds good. Make it a double.
I've just had the worst day of my life.
Well, you know what I always say?
Life is like a Chinese banquet.
Between the peeking duck and the sweet and sour fish, you have to expect a little chicken feet soup.
So laugh, darn you, laugh.
I've just been told I have six months to live.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be facetious.
I'm terribly sorry.
I went on and on like a ninny.
Maybe I should get you something?
Sam, how do you do this trick? You know, that one?
It's all in your mind, Carla.
The trick is, while you're doing it, think about the most pleasant thing in your life.
Being b*rned by this match would be the most pleasant thing in my life.
Sam?
Yeah.
You have to talk to that man over there alone at the table.
Why?
Well, he came in here because he just found out he's got six months to live.
Oh, come on. You sure that's not just an opening line?
Sam, what kind of a reptile would say something like that as a sexual overture?
Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure.
Well, he seems to want to talk about it.
I'll talk to him.
How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live?
I'll tell him I have five.
What is he drinking?
Hot buttered rums.
Hey, everybody, now, watch this. Watch this.
Hey, way to go, coach.
You must have a high threshold of pain.
I don't know the meaning of the word.
Heh heh. Pretty tough guy.
No, he doesn't know what threshold means.
Thanks, normie.
Hi. Can I join you?
My name's Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar.
Malcolm Kramer. How do you do?
Before I retired, I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago.
You know, this may be none of my business, but have you thought about getting a second opinion?
I mean, doctors do make mistakes.
Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis...
And I've been to 12 of the world's leading specialists.
Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.
How's your drink?
Excellent. You're a very good bartender.
[Laughter]
They sound as if they're having a good time.
You know, I worked my way through Harvard business tending bar.
Some of the best years of my life.
You think you still got the touch?
You mean it?
Why not? Come on.
We only got two rules around here.
No empty glasses on the bar, and if somebody belts you, just blame a waitress.
You got it.
♪ Oh, lord, I wish that I'd been born ♪
♪ in Borneo, ichaboo ichaboo ichaboo... ♪
♪ Say, can you picture me ♪
♪ beneath the pepper tree ♪
♪ I'd be so peppery ♪
♪ with all those wild ol' women ♪♪
[cheering]
Norm: He did it!
What am I yelling about?
I bet against him.
Thank you very much.
You lose it.
This guy's terrific.
I mean, he's a great story teller, and he really knows what he's doing.
I mean, really we should have an older guy behind the bar.
Customers would like it.
What about you, coach?
Oh, I'd like it, too.
I'll think about it.
Thanks, Sam.
Hey, we're getting low on beer mugs.
Can someone wash these out for me here, please?
I'd love to.
You like washing glasses?
You bet. Suddenly I feel like an 18-year-old college boy.
Me, too.
See one around?
You're on, cutey.
♪ How the reindeers loved him... ♪♪ It's about time you got back.
What's the big deal? The wind sh*t right through that old thing.
And those lifesavers had to be at least a year old.
Boy, if Boston ever knew how close it came to catastrophe, there'd be panic in the streets.
Kramer, that's cliff. He's my best friend.
Give him a beer.
That's Mr. Kramer. He's a customer.
Customer? Why, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather have my potables prepared by a competent mixologist.
Cliff, you wanna be a little sensitive here?
Sam's letting him do this as a favor.
Doc says he's going belly up in a few months.
Ah, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
Those are the breaks, huh?
Yeah.
Mr. Kramer, I'm sorry to do this to you, but you wanted me to let you know when it was 11:00.
Oh, right. I got a plane to catch.
Oh, gee, you really going to leave?
Yes. I don't want them to call me the late Malcolm Kramer before it's official. Ha ha!
Thank you, Sam.
Any time, Malcolm.
Listen, you come back before...
Soon.
Come back real soon.
Good night, everybody, and thank you.
I've had a wonderful time just when I needed it.
Someday, I hope you'll appreciate how much I really did enjoy it.
Nice meeting you. Thank you. Bye.
Good-bye, Mr. Kramer.
That's a nice guy.
Thanks, norm.
My pop always told me to say good-bye.
[Tapping on glass]
Excuse me.
What you people did this evening was magnificent.
It strengthened in me a faith in humanity that gets a little shaky at times.
And I want you all to know that there's nothing I wouldn't do for any of you.
Hot dog!
Drop the skivvies and dance.
Yeah!
Ha ha ha!
Maggots!
Ok. Ok. Who's the wise guy who shoved the I.O.U. In the tip glass?
Let me see this.
It's not an I.O.U.
This is...
It's a bunch of writing I don't understand is what this is.
Is it in a foreign tongue?
No, no. It's English.
In your case, that qualifies. Hey, huh?
All right, um...
"To whom it may concern, "please be advised that herewith
"I amend my will to provide the following.
"As a token for their kindness, "I leave the sum of...
"$100,000 to the g*ng at cheers.
Signed, Malcolm Kramer."
Is this a joke?
Cliff, check that out, see if it's valid.
Well, uh, yeah, I don't want to pronounce judgment too hastily, coach, but, why, I think there is precedent in the case of penoya vs. Net when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.
Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you?
I work for the law firm of sing and fleckman.
Take a look at this, will you, and tell me what it means.
Well, I presume his intent here was to have everybody at cheers split up $100,000 when he dies.
I'll be darned. I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line.
Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that?
Not me.
100 grand.
Now, what does that come out to each?
Looks like approximately $2,500.
Minus my accounting fee, that's 100 bucks.
We each get 100 bucks?
No. You split 100 bucks.
Get out of here. Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
It doesn't say anything about dividing it equally.
There are a lot of these people here who didn't give the guy the time of day, you know.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
It doesn't matter anyway.
This paper is worthless.
Look, look, in order for a will to be valid according to Massachusetts law, the stipulations must be precise and the document's gotta be signed by at least three witnesses.
This isn't. I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, come on. It's a beautiful souvenir of an evening of generosity and good will.
To hell with that!
I want my money!
Money! Money!
Money! Money!
Wait. Hey. I got an idea here. I think I got an idea.
If we can bring him back and get him to write a valid will, and then he could stipulate exactly who he wants to get how much.
Sure. The guy's on his way to the airport.
Well, if you hurry, you can catch him at the hotel.
All right, I'll go get him.
Yeah, but why you?
Well, he liked me best. Oh, yeah, norm?
What makes you think so?
Well, he embraced me, if you must know.
What are you talking about? We never saw that.
It wasn't an overt embrace.
It was more like we hugged with our eyes.
Look, whoever goes is gonna have an opportunity at sweet-talking the guy, so I think we'd better send somebody that we all trust.
Yeah. Absolutely. Ok. I'll go.
You'd sh**t your mother in the back for two bits.
Hey, hey! My mother's a Saint!
Why don't you send coach?
Y'all trust coach, don't you?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Ok. Here I go.
I'm with it.
Let's go! Let's go!
Go, coach.
Coach, just play it cool.
We don't want to appear too eager and scare the guy off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell him his adopted son norm sends his love.
Right, norm. Hey, listen. I want all you guys to know that it's an honor and privilege that you picked me for this job.
I hope I can answer all of your expectations.
What were your expectations?
Get out of here! Hurry!
Yeah, yeah, coach has been gone nearly an hour, normie.
Yeah, wonder what he's up to.
Ok, Sammy, ok.
This is it.
This will satisfy the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all we need is Kramer's signature, three witnesses. We got it.
Hey, just because you did a little typing, don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut.
Hey, hey, hey, listen, uh...
On behalf of the federal government, I'd better take a look at this.
Well, you misspelled Massachusetts first of all.
Well, look, on the face of it, this is all prima facius non corpus interruptus anyhow.
Quit wasting our time now.
This guy, I don't know.
Hey, what kind of lawyer are you anyway?
You wouldn't know if I told you.
Oh, yeah? Well, try me, Raymond birdbrain.
Well, I'm not actually an attorney yet.
I'm taking my bar exam next month.
All right, the guy's here here on false pretenses.
Yeah, let's strip him and boot him out in the snow.
Hey, hey, hey! Come on!
Whoa, take it easy, will ya?
This is getting crazy. Settle down.
Hey, they're back!
Hurray for Mr. Kramer.
What took you so long, coach?
Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chains...
You didn't you just take a cab?
Well, I figured it wasn't worth it.
The hotel's only a block away.
I want you to say hello to my best friend Mr. Kramer.
Coach said there was some problem about my will?
Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people, and now they're asking you to repeat it.
You do that to me every night.
I'm waiting for you to get it right.
Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture, but you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up.
Yeah, you see, what we got here is a real problem.
Who gets what?
These bozos...
Or my five precious children?
Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches.
Put all those monsters somewhere else.
It's tonight that counts.
Remember those great times we had standing right over there?
Mr. Kramer, how can you ever forget that delightful walk you and I took over to the jukebox?
Hey, don't forget who you turned to in your hour of need when you wanted to know what time it was.
You didn't tell me.
Hey, what am I, big Ben?
Mr. Kramer, why don't you just give all your money to your relatives?
Diane, no. No.
I don't have any close relatives.
Well, you do now, mervin.
My name is Malcolm.
May I call you mervin?
That was... that was my father's name.
Mr. Kramer, you could give this money to charity.
Hey, I am charity.
b*at it. b*at it.
Sam, I don't have any time to deal with this.
Besides, life's too short. I have a plane to catch.
I'm going to sign the money all over to you and you can divide it as you see fit.
No, no, Mr. Kramer...
Sorry, Sam, I've got to run.
Don't do this to me.
Good-bye, everybody. Good night, and thanks again.
Good night, Mr. Kramer.
Yeah, yeah. Don't be a stranger. Sammy...
Hey, come on, would you? Stop it.
Now, I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square, but please, just no appeals to friendship and sentiment.
None of that kissy, kissy stuff.
How much evidence do you need, Sam?
Does there have to be bloodshed?
Destroy the will.
Let's k*ll her!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, wait.
[Bell clangs]
What's it gonna be, Sam?
Yeah, come on, Sammy, walk like a man.
Ok. Everybody in this room right now gets an equal share.
And that's it.
[All clamor]
[Bell clangs]
[Gasps]
Sam!
Now it's over. It's done.
Let's just everybody get back to normal here.
We should've k*lled her when we had the chance.
Well, now, I hope that's taught you all a lesson.
Coach, you mean about not being greedy about money?
No. Always dispose of flaming materials properly.
I guess we should've known.
Guys like us don't get that kind of money.
Well, look at it this way, guys.
We're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight.
Yeah, you can talk. You'll be a lawyer someday.
Yeah, yeah, but a bad one.
Hey, will you give me a break?
Well, cheers is cheers again...
And I'm relieved.
I'm going to go thank Sam, and all of you should, too.
And by the way, with all the insanity about the will, no one said a word about my new hairdo.
It stinks. It stinks.
There, now, was that so hard?
Sam...
What you did out there was fine and noble, and I'm very proud of you.
I can tell by your look on your face that you're proud of yourself, huh?
Yes, Diane, I am.
I'm... I'm proud and...
Rich.
What's that?
This little baby is my ticket to happiness.
This is the will. I palmed it, and I b*rned a phony.
What? How?
Are you kidding me?
I do magic, remember?
Watch this.
[Humming]
Ooh, looky here.
That was the most avaricious, unregenerate, rapacious thing you've ever done.
Wait a second here.
A couple of those words didn't sound very nice.
How's this?
You have sunk so low, you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's hiney.
Well, that's clear, but why? I thought I was pretty good.
I saw what those people were doing, going at each other's throats out there.
It occurred to me this was the best possible solution.
Hmm.
Oh, come on, come on, look at it logically.
How are you going to explain your newfound riches to them?
Give me a little credit here.
I'm not gonna change my lifestyle all of a sudden.
My purchases will be simple.
A television maybe, a pair of shoes, a couple pair of pants, a trip to the canaries in my brand-new 60-foot yacht.
Oh, I know what you're worried about.
Hey, come on, you're my sweetie.
I want to split the money with you.
Think about all the good you can do with this money out there, huh, huh?
What good could come of this?
Charities...
Well, I suppose one could do wonders with...
A lot of money, if one were so inclined.
I could donate to environmental charities.
Donate!
Fight world hunger, save endangered species, and grab up that fabulous silk dress at claudine's.
Yes, yes!
Oh, no! Now I'm doing it.
I won't let you do this to your friends.
What are you gonna do? Rat on me?
Uh-huh. Oh, wait a second here. Wait a second.
This is what we're talking about here, isn't it, huh?
You're crazy.
Oh, yeah, well, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
You're very stupid.
I'll tell you how stupid I am, I see through you like a book.
Ah, that's stupid.
You want my money.
What are you going to do? Are you gonna blackmail me for it, is that it?
Ha ha! Aw, you just lost your boat ride, baby.
You can't slap me. I'm a rich guy.
How much longer are you going to do this?
I don't know you. I've never seen you like this, and I don't like it.
Come on, come on. Don't let this come between us.
I want you to help me spend the money.
Come on, it's gonna make us so happy.
It's already making me miserable.
Well, just wait till you see the fun we have out on that boat together.
Damn, boy!
If that guy would just kick off in four months, we could have that baby in the Atlantic by spring.
Did you hear what you just said?
Oh, my god.
That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it?
Six months would be fine.
We could catch the Gulf stream.
Sam!
Oh, what's happening to me?
I'm turning into a horrible person.
Yes, you are.
I'm gonna do what I should've done the minute I set eyes this evil thing...
I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me.
Oh...
Oh...
That was the right thing to do, Sam.
Now, let's just forget that any of this ever happened.
Oh, yes. Let's.
Oh...
I hate myself for what I just thought.
No. No, I won't even say it.
I know you didn't, but let me know better.
Oh, come on, come on, do you think that I'd really do something like that again after what I just went through?
I'm sorry.
Well, I...
Of course not.
Any person who would do something that vile would have guilt eating away at his guts for the rest of his life.
Thank you.
I hate her.
I really, really do. I hate her so much.