Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, hi.
I know you're surprised to see me...
But let me tell you it's taken every ounce of courage I have to show my face in here today.
Oh, come on, we get a lot of funny-looking faces in here.
You don't remember me, do you?
Uh...
I'm professor Sumner Sloane.
I came in several months ago with Diane chambers, and to my shame, I deserted her here to go back to my ex-wife.
What can I get for you?
A glass of white wine.
White wine.
Over dinner last night, a mutual friend of ours informed me that Diane works here.
Is that correct?
Gee, I don't know. I wasn't at the dinner.
You slime.
You are a total scuzzball.
You're not fit to live with sewer rats.
I can't defend myself.
Thank god. I thought she was talking to me.
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot wouldn't you like to get away sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came you wanna be where you can see our troubles are all the same you wanna be where everybody knows your name you wanna go where people know people are all the same you wanna go where everybody knows your name
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Hey, I thought you guys were at the baseball game.
We left in outrage.
They gave us a hard time, asked us to change our seats.
Why'd they ask you to change your seats?
Get this. We're out in center field, take off our shirts to get some sun.
They said the glare off norm was blinding the batters.
Can I help it if I have alabaster skin?
It's all right, norm.
Baseball should be played at night anyway.
Shh. Don't say anything!
Yaah!
Oh...
I k*lled him.
There's only one thing that can save me.
Ah!
I kind of miss the good old days when they threw up at the sight of each other.
Hello, everyone.
Hey, guys, what's happening?
There's someone waiting to see Diane in the men's room.
Coach, sometimes you get your participles in the wrong place.
Well, I slept on my stomach last night.
He's right, slats, you do have company.
Aah!
Diane. Please.
He's very sensitive about his face.
You said you'd be right back.
That was a year ago.
Well, you know, that traffic in Boston...
Diane, I need to talk to you.
You have every right to say no, but you've always been one to listen to another person's point of view.
Sam, may Sumner and I use your office for a few minutes?
Of course.
Ici.
Don't worry about it, Sam.
I'm not worried.
There's no reason to be.
You and Diane have a great thing going.
Besides, any girl who'd choose that what's his name over you would have to be crazy.
Oh, yeah.
Think he's got her undressed yet?
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Before you go on, let me say first that I've gotten over you.
So I hope for your sake you didn't come here to try to get me back.
I didn't.
Oh.
Good.
I'm still with Barbara, but I want desperately to win you back as a friend, Diane.
I haven't been able to live with the thought of someone in the world hating me.
I don't hate you, Sumner.
I can't even stand the thought if someone in the world thinks I'm a...
A creep?
Well, you might have to live with that one.
My god, even a trace of your laughter lights up a room.
Well, there are things about you that I've missed, too.
Sumner, let's cut the crap.
"Cut the crap"?
What have they done to you at this place?
Do you want to be forgiven?
You're forgiven.
Thank you, Diane.
Far more than I deserve.
Now, why don't we both just go about our lives?
Well, I do have to be running along.
I have a class shortly.
Here I think this thought?
What?
Let's have a dinner together...
The three of us.
I want you to know Barbara.
Oh, I don't want to know Barbara.
If you want to understand me in what I did to you, you must know Barbara.
I'd feel very uncomfortable.
Oh, you wouldn't, Diane.
You two are sisters of the soul.
You have so much to share.
Please, Diane.
Do it for me...
For what was once and always will be ours.
All right.
Splendid!
Oh. Are you seeing anyone now?
No.
There's no one you want to bring along?
No.
Very well, just the three of us.
I'm looking forward to it.
Until then.
Not mad for your decorator, Sam, old man.
Sam.
It's ok, it's all right. It was just a warning sh*t.
Would you believe he came in here thinking he was just going to apologize for everything.
Want me to punch his lights out for you?
No. I think the best thing for everyone now is just to let it fade from our memories.
You are the only one in the world for me now.
Oh, Diane, I just remembered my chaucer lecture Friday night.
Can you make it Saturday?
Um...
Sure.
Great. See you then.
Now before you get angry, this can all be explained very easily.
He wants me to meet his wife Barbara.
It's an innocent dinner for us to get acquainted.
I didn't want you to worry about it, so I told a little white lie.
One more thing, Diane.
Since you're not seeing anyone, I know a young fellow in the philosophy department you might like.
No. Thank you.
As you wish.
This one's a little harder.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Sam, let me explain.
Sam, will you listen to me?
I'm tired of listening to you, Diane.
You guys are just doing this to get my hopes up, right?
You don't understand.
I didn't tell him about us because I didn't think it was any of his business.
Oh yeah? Then how come you lied to me, huh?
I...
I didn't lie to you.
I just didn't mention it.
There's a difference.
It's a subtle difference at best, Diane.
Cliff!
I should have mentioned it. I'm sorry.
Well, it's ok.
Hey, I'm not an idiot.
You didn't tell him about me because you're ashamed of me.
You're afraid I'm going to embarrass you or something.
I'm not ashamed of you.
Sam.
Sam!
Sam, you've got to understand.
I have always been intimidated by that man myself.
He thinks everyone is beneath him.
You make a mental mistake around him, he's merciless.
I was trying to protect you.
You're saying I'm too dumb to associate with your friends and I think that stinks.
Another thing.
You're as much of a snob as he is, you know that?
You're right.
I'm going to call Sumner right now and tell him that you will be my date Saturday night.
You're my fella...
And I'm proud of it, Sam.
Hey, Sammy! Yeah!
Great.
Great work, Sammy.
You just argued your way into spending Saturday night with three dianes.
She's right.
That Sumner guy is a major brain, Sam.
He's an intellectual pit bull, Sammy.
If he senses fear, he'll att*ck, reduce you to a pile of blubbering flesh right in front of your sweet pea there.
He does seem kind of nasty, doesn't he?
Ooh, he's mean, Sam.
Yeah, but it's not like I'm stupid, is it?
Oh, my god!
What am I doing here?
I'm going to look like an idiot.
Sam, it's going to be ok.
Just talk about something that you know about and they don't.
Say, something like your apartment.
Coach, I don't think everyone's gonna want to talk about my apartment.
Of course not.
They'd look stupid trying.
No. You know...
Diane's right.
I'm going to embarrass her.
Sammy, believe it or not, I think I have a simple solution to all this.
Look, he's a literature professor, right?
Yeah, right.
w*r and peace is the greatest novel ever written.
You read it between now and Saturday, drop a few comments over dinner, you're off to the races.
w*r and peace, this is a good book?
Oh yeah. Well, they say the first 800 pages are a little bit slow, but it sh**t right off...
Wait a second. What are we talking about?
I've got five days.
How long is this book?
Well, I've delivered a few for the book clubs and it's about 3 1/2 pounds paperback.
Forget it, Sam.
Nobody can read four ounces a day.
No, listen. If this is the best book ever written, then I'm going to read it.
Matter of fact, I'll go get it right now.
What was the name again?
w*r and peace.
You have to write that down?
And misspell it?
The apartment, Sam, the apartment.
[Knock on door]
Come in!
How you doing, Sammy?
Oh, it's you guys.
I thought it was Diane.
Turn on the lights, will you?
Hey. I never been in here before.
Classy, Sam.
Sammy, you know where I can get one of these?
You know, mother's day is coming up.
Would you guys give me just a few more minutes here?
I almost got it finished.
What time is it?
How many beers, have I had, cliff?
11.
8:05.
They're going to be here any minute.
Oh, god!
Cold coffee!
Do you know I've been up five nights?
Ouch!
No, I feel great. I really do.
What did I stand up for?
Uh...
To hike up your shorts?
No.
Hey, Sam, the cheesehead's here.
Thank you, Carla.
Where's Diane?
She just went into the ladies' room with a tub of mascara and a putty Kn*fe.
We're out of here, Sammy.
Night, Sammy.
Wait a second.
Either one of you guys have two type b batteries?
Uh, I've got one.
Nah.
Sumner.
Ah, Diane.
Where's Barbara?
Barbara can't make it tonight. She's ill.
Well, then we'll make it another time.
Nonsense. I won't hear it.
We'll be poorer for her absence, but richer when the check comes.
But the whole point was for me to meet her.
Diane, she insists that her frailty not ruin the evening for the rest of us.
Isn't she magnificent?
So I've heard.
Sam, if you want to have fun tonight, you'd better bring along a yo-yo.
Guys, it's in the bag.
I finished it.
Sammy, shoes, shoes.
Thank you.
There he is.
Sam...
You didn't shave?
No, I needed a new place to scratch.
Hey, where's your old lady?
Oh, Barbara's ill.
She won't be able to make it.
But, I assure you, she'll be with us in spirit.
We have reservations for 8:30 at marcon robaire.
Oh, wonderful! Oh, good!
Hey, you know, I am really looking forward to this evening.
I've been waiting for a long time to sit down with this guy and talk a little w*r and peace.
w*r and peace?
Oh, yeah. Great book.
Classic.
Please! I taught a Tolstoy seminar for six years.
I vowed never to discuss him again.
It is the most over-analyzed novel ever written.
If you want to talk Tolstoy, I've always thought that Anna Karenina...
Thanks.
Smells like something good cooking up there at old melville's today, huh?
Yeah, I wonder what it is, norm.
That would be cream of watercress soup, coach...
Followed by baked mussels...
Lightly coated with tarragon butter, and topped off by...
A fine raspberry torte.
You know, fine gourmet cooking is, uh, truly one of the greatest pleasures of life.
Absolutely.
Coach, what's the expiration date on these?
Yesterday.
We'd better hurry.
Non, j'ai dit, "si vous parlez lentement, je peut vous comprendre."
Ah, Sam, how about some after-dinner drinks?
Oh... english. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What did you say?
After-dinner drinks?
Fine.
A cognac.
Deux.
Deux.
Deux.
How was dinner, Sammy?
Hi, Sam.
Great.
Great dinner.
Food was French.
Conversation was Greek.
I spent the whole evening pretending I knew what they were talking about nodding my head like an idiot.
I see.
Hey, uh, Sammy, how about I throw the scuzzball out of here?
Nah. Diane would be furious.
I was talking about Diane.
Sam, I don't think I'd leave those two together for very long if I were you.
Oh yeah, I haven't seen Diane having so much fun in a long time.
Thank you, fellas.
The only verifiable proof of the existence of a supreme being...
Oh, what are we talking about here?
We're talking about god.
The only verifiable proof of the existence of a supreme being...
What about god?
Well, it's rather involved.
Oh, that's ok. I like involved. Fire away. Go ahead.
Sumner was just saying the early mystics perceived god without subjecting him to tangible proof.
Well, you know what I think about that?
What, Sam?
What is your problem?
I don't have... Yeah, I do have a problem.
My problem is that I have not been a part of any conversation that you've had tonight.
I tried several times to include you.
No. No. No. I don't think "wrong fork, Sam" and "don't spit that out" are my idea of conversation.
That's not fair, Sam.
I think we tried several times to solicit your opinion, but none was forthcoming.
Well, you know why that was? Because I didn't have one.
What do you think of that?
Or maybe I had one and I didn't want to waste it on you.
What are you trying to say?
I'm not trying to say anything. I'm saying it.
You know, you and I are a joke, Diane.
You and Sumner are a joke, too, but at least you're the same joke.
I may be stupid about a lot of things, but I do know some things.
And I know when two people do not belong together, and you and I do not belong together.
Sam, sit down. You're creating a stir.
Hey, come on.
I know what's been going on all evening.
I mean, this stuff about Barbara being sick is a bunch of baloney.
You just set it up here to get your big fan back.
Well, you got her. Way to go, guy.
Sam.
No, that's ok.
I see it all very clearly now.
I got you on the rebound.
You were just slumming with me between ph.Ds.
Well, he's come for you. Go with him.
I'll tell you something else too.
Before I read w*r and peace again in 5 days just to impress some broad, it's gonna be a cold day in Minsk.
I have to apologize for Sam for that totally unfounded accusation.
No, Diane, he's more perceptive than I gave him credit for.
What are you saying?
I did come back to see if there might be one spark left of that brilliant fire that streaked across the sky like a meteor.
Barbara and I had a parting of the ways several weeks ago.
So Sam was right.
Forget Sam. Isn't it obvious after tonight that you and I have something special?
Diane, I may not be perfect.
Then again, I may.
The point is...
Can you honestly say you belong more in his world than in mine?
Ah, so you've come to say goodbye, or as the French say... ta ta.
No. I've come to tell you that Sumner has gone.
He has?
Carla threw him out.
Oh, come on, you don't mean to say that you chose me over him?
I flipped a coin.
You let a coin decide this?
Yeah. I told Sumner heads, I was going to walk in here to you.
Tails, I was going to run in here to you.
Well, you're nuts, you know that?
I mean the guy is... is brilliant, charming.
He's sophisticated.
Yeah, if you hurry, he's yours.
Why'd you pick me?
You read w*r and peace.
So did he.
You did it for me.
I think it was harder for you.
Call it a hunch.
It was no day at the beach, I'll tell you.
Sam.
There's only one thing more romantic than you reading w*r and peace for me.
What?
You reading w*r and peace to me.
Oh, yeah?
Well, it just so happens that I have a copy right here.
Let's sit down right here, and I'll read to you.
Oh, that's nice.
Here we go.
Let's go see the movie.
There's a movie?!
Cliff! I'll k*ll him! Cliff! I'll k*ll him!