01x06 - Even Later

[bunniefuu]

♪

This is so exciting, our first meeting with a comedy manager.

I love going out to breakfast because no one ever judges you for not getting a salad.

I'll judge you.

You two are so bloody funny together.

You know, Richard, in Australia, are the kangaroos as prevalent as squirrels here?

I could beat up a kangaroo.

You could not!

Yes I could.

You could not.

I have no reason to but I could.

Are you looking for representation?

Oh my god, are you kidding?

Always, yes!

Yeah.

That was easy.

Yes, we have a manager now.

All right, slow down.

Let's start this gradually.

We'll try a few things and build a relationship.

I'd like to have a relationship with a fresh kangaroo.

I'll bop them right in the nose, give them the old paintbrush.

You're obsessed with kangaroos.

Are you interested in writing jobs?

Oh my God, yes. Of course.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'd like any job where I'm considered the person with the most social skills.

And I always hated pants with zippers.

Even Later with Chris Hardwick is looking.

After Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, Carson Daly, it's a live show that recaps the entire late night block.

Exactly what we needed.

I've been saying that!

Yeah, yeah, finally!

So in the packet, what do we have to write?

Monologue jokes, Twitter hashtag games.

Great.

Absolutely.

We will k*ll it, we will crush it.

It's due tomorrow morning.

I am so ready to write television instead of just watching it and recapping it.

This is huge, Billy, do you realize how many people started out as late night television writers?

Mel Brooks, Woody Allen.

I know, I can't wait to marry my own daughter and start writing terrible movie scripts ten years ago.

I'm so proud of Woody Allen, he paid so many dues and he finally got what he always wanted.

An Amazon series.

An Amazon series.

Hello Billy, Noodles.

Why are you surrounded with the vestiges of print journalism?

We have an opportunity to be television writers.

Yes, and we are looking at newspapers because we have to write jokes about current events.

Which newspapers are bursting with.

Oh, Ebola's back!

Uh oh!

We could do something like, uh, Angelina Jolie is a director, and now Ebola's back?

Uh oh!

Uh oh!

Right?

But we need premise, like--

You know how they talk on talk shows, like, uh, in the news today.

You guys hear about this?

Here's a funny story, or...

Joe Biden had dinner in New York City.

Yeah, Joe Biden had dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden had dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden dinner in New York City.

Joe Biden tonight had dinner in New York City.

What a-- what a-- what a clod, right?

That's our take on him.

Yeah.

We could write a joke about the Taliban.

Yes.

Like, the Taliban's awful, and Angelina Jolie is directing now?

Uh oh!

Uh oh!

Sounds like you two are off to a great start.

Text me if you don't want paella for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

(whistling)

Julie, you okay?

Yeah, why?

Because Arthur was whistling and you didn't say anything.

It was like you didn't mind.

You know, I have oddly been more serene these past few days, and nauseous.

And late for my period, oh my God!

What if I'm pregnant?

You're not pregnant.

There's no way I'm pregnant.

No.

But then there's that TV show of women that went to the bathroom one day and, surprise, you don't have to poop, you're a human mother.

I don't watch that show.

Oh my god.

What if I'm pregnant?

♪

None of these pregnancy tests are gonna be accurate.

Why not?

I'm on this illegal Canadian HCG hormone I ordered from a spam email to lose weight.

Well, that sounds perfectly safe.

Yeah, I know, but what's the alternative, portion control?

Now, any of these tests I take is gonna give me a false negative.

I'm gonna call my doctor.

Oh, lube has its own aisle here, fancy.

My doctor can't see me until Friday, so I decided to stock up on Hope tampons in the meantime.

I'm sure your body will get the hint.

You know, as impressed as I was with Richard, I just don't know if he's the right match for us.

There's something about him.

I can't tell if he's sleazy or just Australian.

So, if he's the wrong manager, we can always leave.

I mean, nothing is permanent.

Except, you know, parenthood.

Well, not the show Parenthood, that's over.

Every lesbian I'm friends with on Facebook loved that show.

I know, it was so important to them to let all their friends know when they cried.

Yeah, how did lesbians let us know they were crying before Facebook?

Smoke signals.

Oh my God.

The Huffington Post: Print Edition?

Are you kidding me?

This is a joke?

No, this is real.

Everything you liked about the Huffington Post without any of the convenience.

And who says print is dead?

Somebody at a party I would never want to talk to.

Look at this, how do they afford all of this ink?

Every person in the known universe is a columnist in here.

Well, to be fair, could we really have gone another day without reading Phoebe Tutnauer's haunting personal essay about her bad experience with Airbnb?

I must buy this!

♪

I'm glad we got candy. It helps me think.

Mm-hm, me too. It's good for our brains; It's like fish.

Do you ever read about those rich women whose dermatologists tell them to eat so much salmon that they joke, "Maybe I'm one day gonna become a salmon!"

Yeah, like someone who's like, "Oh, if I ate another a blueberry, I think I'm gonna become a blueberry."

It's like, no, you're not.

I think it's from Willy Wonka.

Mm.

We should get something on the page.

Yeah.

We're supposed to come up with Twitter hashtag games.

Why don't we go on Twitter, look at some actual hashtag games?

Like research.

Mm-hm.

This isn't working.

I know.

You know why?

This isn't a proper work environment.

I was just thinking that, I didn't want to say it.

We need to make it more like a comedy writer's room.

You know what comedy writer's rooms have?

Ping pong tables.

Yes. Yes!

It'll free up our minds for jokes because their hands are moving around!

In motion.

We should get one.

Let's go get it.

At a...

Um... a sporting goods store?

Yep, we'll write on the train.

Yep, I'll bring my laptop.

I'll bring mine too.

♪

I'm glad we didn't write on the train.

Yeah, you know, I think if you start to obsess too much about the actual writing, you miss the opportunity to be inspired by changing your environment.

Yeah, speaking of which, let's get the ping pong table and get the hell out of here.

I know, I'm getting flashbacks to all those jocks in my high school.

Oh my God, you know what my worst nightmare would be?

What if I am pregnant and I end up having a son, and he's athletic and well adjusted and popular.

And, oh my God, what if he's not gay?

Julie, stop being crazy.

I promise you, if you have a son, he will be as gay as Jason Gould.

Thank you, but still, could you imagine?

What if he tried to high five me one time?

Ugh.

I know.

So which is the black side and which is the red side?

Are they different or is it the same kind of rubber?

I didn't know these were wood.

Is it real wood?

Hey folks, I'm Rita.

Looking for a ping pong table?

Yeah, I think so.

Possibly.

Well, the thing I like about this one is this integrated ball storage apron right here.

It's right at the knee length.

It's nice.

Holds a lot of balls.

Oh my God, this is really expensive.

Well, don't make any decisions you can't back up.

You know, I always like to tell my customers to sleep on it when it comes to making big purchases.

Doesn't make me the best salesgirl on the floor, but, at least I have a good conscience.

Well, we all make choices.

Choices, huh.

Hey, you want to hear a funny story?

I used to be an Olympic gymnast.

That is... funny.

Yeah, I even got an offer to be on the cover of a box of Wheaties, but then a much trashier cereal approached me for twice the money and I couldn't say no.

After my photo was published on box after box of Slappies, my career was over.

What the hell are Slappies?

Oh, they're off the market now.

They were kind of like Wheaties, but they glowed in the dark.

Turns out the 27,000% of a daily recommended allowance of mercury is "too much of a good thing."

Are you serious?

That's horrible!

Yeah... sure wish I turned them down when I had the chance.

Anyhoozle, how about this pivoting 72 inch cotton blend net.

Look at that, you can catch blue crabs in something like that, right?

You guys go crabbing?

Yeah...

We're never gonna play ping pong.

No, and now that I see it in person, I don't think it's as inspirational as I thought it would be.

We're not, like, sportsmen.

Now that we're here, it just, it's-- it's not a good idea.

Okay, well what the f*ck am I doing here then, right?

Oh, wow...

Clarence!

Okay, back to the packet.

I have an idea.

What if we went to the Paley Center, and we watched old episodes of late night talk shows for inspiration.

Yes! I've always wanted to do that.

You can go and you can watch, like, Steve Alan and Jack Paar, and all of it.

Yes, even if we just watch a couple of episodes of Johnny Carson, it will inspire us.

Totally. What was that thing Johnny Carson used to do, oh no, punch women.

Yes.

I am so glad we left the Paley Center to get mani-pedis.

Me too, how are we supposed to sit through a single episode of any of that shit?

I know, right, it's so boring.

I mean, Ernie Kovacs, suck my d*ck.

That was a different time.

Were they?

I mean, it's 2015, and still, every single talk show host on network late night TV is a straight white man.

Hm, I don't know.

Colbert's too smart not to at least be bi.

♪

See, girls that age, you just sneeze on them and they get pregnant.

But what erotic foreplay?

Seriously though, I'm 35, what if this is my last chance to get pregnant?

Do you want to be pregnant?

No!

Oh, thank God.

But what if I do one day, and when the time is right I'm not able to?

Well, what if you do one day and then you become one of those people that only talks about their baby all the time, and then I have to find a new friend?

God, look at the masthead on this thing.

It's huge!

Oh good, Bill Maher has something to say.

How could he still call them "New Rules"?

He's been on the air since his hair was still mauve.

I don't know, we need fresh voices on television.

I know, ours!

I just want to dive in and write, write, write!

Me too!

You know what would be fun?

To go to a movie.

A movie.

So it's later than we thought, I'm still glad we saw that.

Me too.

The only annoying thing is how many of our friends were in it.

Anything at this point that's Apatow-adjacent we just have to accept is gonna star everyone we went into improv class with.

Oh no.

What's wrong?

Is the baby kicking?

I don't have my laptop.

But our sex tape is in the cloud!

Ah!

Seriously, though, I don't have my laptop.

♪

Sorry, guys, no laptop in the lost and found.

Really? I-- I--

Could just ask Rita if it was near the ping pong table?

I-- I know it has to be there.

Well, Rita's shift ended, uh... maybe she took the laptop home.

My friend has a lot of classified information on that computer.

She's a very important businesswoman-- sir!

She works for NASA.

NASA?

Those are the same sons of b*tches who put me in this chair.

I beg your pardon?

There was this beautiful girl, you see, and it wasn't typical a girl that stunning would talk to me.

Anyway, she asked me to accompany her to space camp.

I should've said no.

And what happened at space camp?

I destroyed both my eardrums.

Lost my equilibrium.

What happened to the girl?

Eh, she got away.

Ground control to major bummer.

Well, I'll go give Rita a call.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks.

Billy, I can't lose my laptop.

Do you have a lot of naked pictures of yourself on there?

Of course, I'm more concerned about the emails badmouthing people.

Right.

Amy Pascal has nothing on me.

She's an angel compared to you.

You're the same way.

I mean, come on.

No, I know.

If anyone published your emails, wouldn't you much rather it was just, like, an unflattering photo of you naked?

Are you kidding, I don't care what people say about my d*ck.

Hey, NASA!

Good news.

Rita's got your laptop.

Are you serious?

Oh yes!

Oh my God, thank you so much!

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

She said to meet her near Astor Place at six.

Okay.

She's got a voice lesson.

Oh, wow, I wouldn't think Rita could carry a tune.

Shut your mouth!

There's a lot of things Rita can do!

♪

This is good.

We're meeting Rita at six so now we have three hours to write.

Yes, exactly.

All right, so...

Should I type, or do you want to type?

We can switch off, we--

We'll switch off.

You wanna trade off, like, every half hour?

Fifteen minutes.

Okay.

Why don't we trade off every ten minutes.

You should start.

Okay.

You know.

My keyboard's, like, disgusting at this point.

Excuse me, um, I'm just going to the restroom.

If a guy comes in, about 5'9" wearing a purple scarf, will you tell him that I'll be right back, please?

Yeah, sure.

You're looking at my eyebrows, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You're looking at my eyebrows.

No, I'm not.

No, no.

No.

They're obvious.

Yes, you are.

I don't know.

They look great.

I got my hair done for this date, and the lady at the salon convinced me to darken them to make my eyes pop.

First they turned black, so she put bleach on them, then... they turned yellow, so she put a gloss on them.

Then they turned to mid gray.

Next thing I knew, my eyebrows were gone.

Oh my God.

Be careful what you say yes to.

Wow, I'm telling you, you don't know what it means to be alone until you're alone in New York.

I know, right?

All right, we have to do this.

Hey, can I just borrow your laptop real quick?

I'm just gonna look up ab*rtion clinics on Yelp.

Okay.

Oh, this one got four and a half stars.

Oh!

♪

She is almost a half hour late.

What if she doesn't even have my laptop?

What if this whole thing was just a con?

♪

Hi.

You waiting for Rita?

Yeah, so are you--

I'm Kiki, her roommate.

Rita's at urgent care.

Oh, is she okay?

Yeah, she'll be all right.

Rita's Rita.

Ah, here's your laptop.

Oh, thank you so much.

You have no idea what this means to me.

No, I don't.

Do you want to buy some coke?

Mm.

We just need index cards.

Cowards.

♪

We bought a lot of stuff from Staples.

We really did.

And yet, we have not written a single word.

I know.

We've wasted the day.

We've wasted our day.

We don't have anything on the page.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

I'm panicking!

All right, don't panic!

Motivate me!

Okay, think of all the opportunities we didn't even get the chance to fail at.

Right, this time if we don't get the job, it's our fault, and we can't blame the world.

That's a nightmare.

Let's write this packet.

♪

Suzanne Somers!

Somers!

♪

That is indeed a packet.

It wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be, but--

No, but we did get to eat candy, so.

Should I hit send?

Yeah, hit send.

Ah!

Finished?

Yes, whether or not we get this job is now in God's hands.

Yes, he mostly concerns himself with staffing matters.

I am so proud of you, Noodles.

I can't believe how you just pushed that out all by yourself.

God, you're so strong.

I wish I could've helped.

Thanks, Crackers.

Text me if you don't want duck for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

You think he knows?

I hope not.

Arthur would be a good dad.

A weird dad, but a good dad.

Oh, I don't know what to do.

Let's fall asleep watching The Talk like our forefathers did.

Oh, okay.

♪

Oh my God, Julie, wake up.

What?

Um, it turns out Richard does come from a performance background.

What do you mean, porn?

So what? I'd do porn if I had a thigh gap.

No, no, no, look at this, please.

Puppetry of the Penis?

Richard was in that?

Puppetry of the Penis!

Ah!

Don't you remember, it started in Australia!

I saw that Real Sex, there was the guy that was, like, "I was at the bar doing d*ck tricks.

There was another bloke and he was doing d*ck tricks and we were like, "Let's team up!"

That was-- that happens in Australia!

You want to watch this?

I want to see what he can do.

Okay, he'll turn his penis into a tangerine.

You met the curious elephant and the hairy hyena.

But who here wants to see a juicy submarine sandwich?

No, no! No! No! No!

We just stayed up all night, based on a suggestion coming from someone who's more likely to know the founder of Burning Man than have any legitimate connections in show business.

It must be so stretched out.

Oh, my God.

(phone vibrating)

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Who is it? No.

Hey, Richard?

No.

No, I'm gonna put you on speaker, hold on.

What shape is his penis in right now--

Oh, sorry.

Hi Billy, hi Julie.

So the head writer of Even Later with Chris Hardwick loved your packet and he wants to meet with you this afternoon.

Whoa!

Oh my God.

That's amazing!

That's amazing!

Thank you so much, we'll call you right back!

Thank you!

The greatest d*ck trick the devil ever played was getting us that interview.

Oh my God, oh.

He's-- you know what?

He's got a pretty assh*le.

♪

Wow.

The Doors!

You can really play.

Yeah, I'm a lefty, I play a righty guitar though, like Hendrix?

Just like Jimi Henge.

So, Billy and Julie.

Yes, thank you so much for meeting with us.

We're really excited to be here.

And, uh, Richard said that you really liked our packet.

Yes.

So, thank you very much, that means a lot coming from you.

We worked really hard on it.

To be honest, I didn't read it, but I'm sure it's awesome.

I mean, network has been up my f*ckin' ass about a diversity hire ever since Jezebel did another post about how there's no female writers in late night.

So do I count as a woman because I'm gay?

All right, so let me level with you guys.

Unless you take a f*ckin' shit right on my desk, or if you aren't cool, you got this.

What do you mean by cool?

You know, just how it's, like, not safe to joke about anything anymore, right?

You guys probably deal with that shit a lot.

We want to make the show that we want to make.

We don't want to have any regrets.

We don't want to wake up the next morning and think, "You know what?

We shouldn't have taken that network note, we should have said no."

Everyone we bump into has all these regrets.

I mean, glow in the dark ping pong lady, scabby brows.

Space camp wheelchair.

What's space camp wheelchair?

Is that in your packet?

Chris'll love that.

Everyone we've spoken to in the past 24 hours should have said no when they said yes.

And now it's time for us to learn from their mistakes?

That's right. And you're gonna be the first person we say no to.

I mean, can you imagine working with this guy?

Is this some kind of bit?

And whether or not I'm pregnant, I am getting an ab*rtion today.

That's right.

I am terminating this opportunity before it gets any bigger.

All right, cool.

Uh, well, I got a meeting, so.

Oh, you have a meeting?

Oh, where, in 1968, before feminism was invented?

Do you think you're cool or like, punk rock, why, because you DVR Anthony Bourdain?

You're probably one of those guys that thinks John Lennon was edgier than Yoko.

Yoko Ono was the best thing that ever happened at John Lennon.

The Beatles were holding Yoko Ono back.

The only reason I wish Jim Morrison was still alive today is just to see how fat he could have gotten.

Oh my God!

Jim Morrison would have had a field day at a Dairy Queen.

I mean, could you imagine Jim Morrison around a Blizzard?

Holy shit, the Blizzard King.

(laughing)

All right. The Blizzard King is f*ckin' funny, though.

Uh, Stephanie, will you bring me that black guy's packet, please?

♪

That was intensely satisfying.

We can say no to things we don't want to do!

Yeah, and if Richard freaks out about how we treated Adam, I will remind him he used to be a penis puppeteer.

Billy, I need you to leave the bathroom.

Why?

Please, right now.

Okay.

For lady reasons.

Okay.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Okay.

Bye.

All right.

I'm not pregnant!

I love my period!

These pipes are clean!

Okay, congratulations.

Oh, Julie, it's Richard.

Hey.

So, you're not mad at us for turning down the job?

Nah, that guy's supposed to be a real assh*le.

I just think it's great to have clients who know what they don't want.

C-- c-- c-- clients?

Whoa!

I just wish when I was your age, I'd said no to an opportunity that my mate presented me with.

Um, Richard, I think I know what performance opportunity you're talking about.

We've seen the submarine sandwich.

Okay, well, a youthful indiscretion perhaps, that lasted, like, a decade.

You're a grown man who put your penis into the shape of a Koala.

Okay, okay, Even Later is out.

Right.

Well you've already conquered the world of magazines, I see.

What are you talking about?

These columns are amazing.

What?

Well, your columns in here.

They're fantastic.

Mm-hm.

We're columnists?

Yeah, page 484, 485.

"We Should Be Allowed To Have Cookies For Breakfast" by Julie Kessler.

Billy, you're in here, too!

Yes, I submitted a column to HuffPo!

I totally forgot!

Me too, holy shit.

I didn't know that they published it, oh my God.

"Why I Hate Other Gay Men" by Billy Epstein.

It holds up.

We're in a magazine, yes!

You guys are on fire!

Richard, now that we're your new favorite clients, can you please do us a favor and show us just one d*ck trick, please!

Oh no.

Please, please, please?

Everybody ready?

No, Julie!

Are you ready?

No, we're in public!

Yes, we're gonna take you on a safari of the Australian Outback.

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right.

Guess what kind of critter this is.

Oh, um.

Oh, um...

Um, um, it's a wombat!

It's a wombat!

It's Nicole Kidman!

It's a kangaroo?

It's a kangaroo?

I could beat up a kangaroo!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪