03x13 - Smith Playground

[bunniefuu]

Field trip worksheets!
Hot off the press!

What in the hot hell is this?

Today is thee day... two E's...

that we go to Smith Memorial Playground.

We're not gonna be
the only school there,

but we did snag the last reservations.

And I made worksheets
so that it can be educational.

This is gonna be,
like, the best field trip ever.

Jacob, nobody needs this.

You pulled off a field trip
with no money and no help.

Baby, relax.

Yeah, we're going to the park.
Kids don't wanna work.

- Mnh-mnh.
- We don't wanna work.

Ava definitely don't wanna work.

I never do.

And today, I get to not work

while lounging in my air chair.

I love furniture that rhymes.

Yeah, so knock it off
with the worksheets

or you're gonna ruin this trip.

Ah! Morton.

For all your flaws,

I know you appreciate
the value of education.

Thanks, buddy. You're a lifesaver.

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

One for you.

Oh, here we go.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'll see you.
- Okay.

Gregory.

I just witnessed that interaction
between you and Janine.

Putting on her coat for her

was practically pornographic.

What's going on, man?
Am I... Did I miss something?

- I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
- Yay!

- When I find the exact right time.
- Boo!

Look, I want it to go well this time.

Wait. Is there a chance

you might do it on the field trip?

When the time is right,
the time is right.

Whenever that may be.

Oh. On my field trip. [CHUCKLES]

That's a little like proposing
at somebody else's wedding,

but, you know, lucky for you,
I'm not that kind of bride.

[SIGHS]

None of the kids want to sit with me.

You confiscate one water balloon

and you are persona non grata
around here.

Uh, well, as much as I love a bus buddy,

maybe there's another open
seat you'd prefer to sit in.

What are you talking about?

Let's just say a little birdie

[COUGHS] named Gregory told me that

he may have some very
serious feelings for you.

Jacob, I need you to tell me
the truth right now.

Did Gregory say that,

or do you have a bird named Gregory?

My bird's name is Peter,
and you would know that

if you ever came over to meet her.

- Basically...
- Janine.

Just admit it.

You still like him, right?

Maybe.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But I already tried to tell him
at the beginning of the year.

Okay, well, you were
different people then.

We all were. I was in a
relationship and unhappy.

And now look at me.

I'm... I'm single and...

you know, I'm fine.

Just... [CLEARS THROAT]

Just go talk to him. Trust me.

Okay.

Hey. Oh.

Come here often? [CHUCKLES]

About once a year.

Me too. Me too.

These field trips,
they usually end in disaster.

It's crazy.

Well, maybe this year's field trip

can break our unlucky streak.

[SCHOOL BUS ENGINE STARTS]

Next stop... the park!

Whoo!

Nice to finally have
some peace and quiet, huh?

In my head, things are as loud as ever.

With no kids around,

I can finally take care
of my to-do list.

But most pressing of all?

All these damn keys
weighing my pants down.

I got duplicates, triplicates, four...

plicates.

My belt loops are rated


and suspenders are for freaks.

And if you think the seesaw is cool,

you should check out
the fun facts section of your...

Okay, no one's listening.

My air chair needs air,
and there's no wind.

Try running north to south.

Ms. Schemmenti! A kid pushed me!

Oh, no. Are you okay, kiddo?

- Which kid?
- That kid over there

from the other school.

Oh. Oh.

Hey. How you doing?

So, um, I just was made to understand

that there was some sort of incident

where your kid pushed my kid.

Well, actually, I was told that

your student
shoved my student first, so...

Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Why don't we just have
them apologize to each other?

Okay. W... Sure.

I mean, I guess that's
the right thing to do,

no matter who shoved
the other one first. Go ahead.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES] It's gonna be a great day.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

MELISSA: Oh, yeah, it can get like that

between kids
on the playground sometimes.

Especially right before snack time.

It's like a less violent version
of the "Squid Game."

Gotta tell you, I'm not loving the 'tude

coming off that teacher, though.

Alex, be careful.

- Your shoes are untied!
- Oh! [THUDS]

- And he's down.
- I got Band-Aids.

Oh, no, he's back up.

It's alright. He's running it off.

That's good.

We did a pretty good job of
getting him to like school.

"Like" is a strong word, but he's here.

What kid would miss field trip day?

Uh, well... actually,

I hated field trips as a kid.

It meant missing class.

Oh, right. I forgot you're a nerd.

You sing Randy Newman songs
to your plants,

so who's the nerd, really?

- [CHUCKLES] You heard that?
- Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Do you mind, um, taking a picture

of me with my kids in the background?

I barely have any from the year, so...

- Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

Okay, ready?

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

JANINE: Got it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Thank you.

Um...

Hey, are you a swinger?

What?

Do you want to go on the swings?

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

- I swing on the swings.
- Swings.

Yeah. Do you want to do them?

- The swings?
- Yeah.

Okay.

MELISSA: Look at 'em.

Those Liberty kids
keep cutting our kids in line.

Oh. It's just kids being kids.

See, my student Torian,
he's right up front.

Nobody's cutting...

- Ooh, just wait a minute now.
- Hey.

Hold on a second. Okay, let's...

let's not let this ruin my big day.

Okay, but you didn't see what happened

between me and one of
the Liberty teachers earlier.

I am sensing a pattern here.

- Melissa.
- Hmm?

I'm going to need some muscle
and a sharp tongue.

- Well, let's go then.
- Come on.

[SIGHS] Hey.

Nice to see you again. Listen.

Your kids are on strike two, okay?

'Cause they seem to keep
cutting our kids in line.

What? That is so interesting

because, see, our kids are saying

that your kids are hogging
all the saddle spinners.

So, I don't know.
Teach your kids to share.

[CHUCKLES] No need to get snippy here.

Oh, no.

I see where these Liberty students

- get their manners.
- Mm-hmm.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Why don't you watch your students?

- Why don't you, huh?
- Yeah, we just,

you know, want to keep things fair.

- MELISSA: All right?
- Alright, yeah, well, you know,

life's not fair. Right?

- You have to teach at Abbott, so...
- [SNICKERS]

- Excuse you?
- The audacity!

No, we get to teach at Abbott.

- Huh.
- Yeah, I get to be lactose intolerant.

[BARBARA SIGHS]

- JACOB: She was being rude. I get it now.
- Thank you.

Okay. I shouldn't punch
someone in the park, right?

No.

Liberty everywhere you look.

Do they not understand the
meaning of the word "public"?

I'm riled up.

You know, I thought
if anyone was gonna ruin

this field trip for the kids,
it was gonna be you.

Hey, Morton. Are your students having

any trouble with
these Liberty kids today?

I honestly have no idea.

I've been angrily texting
my ex-wife all morning.

She thinks she should get the grill.

What's a woman gonna do with a grill?

You're scum.

Listen, these Liberty teachers
must be stopped.

AVA: [SCOFFS] Y'all need to let it go.

It's not that deep.

I'm trying to listen to an oral history

on the history of oral histories,

and I can't hear it
over all y'all pettiness.

Oh.

LIBERTY TEACHER: Little help?

Hey, uh, that's our ball. Toss it back.

Just as far as you can.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

It has got to be done.

- Whoa!
- Come on.

- Seriously?
- MELISSA: Slow down.

You don't want to hurt yourself.

[LAUGHS]

How have we not talked about this?

- We haven't?
- No.

Yeah, my favorite color is green.

- I'm a green guy.
- Wow.

- Green for your green thumb?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. And my favorite color is blue.

- Uh-huh.
- No synthetic, though.

- Okay.
- You know, blue, like, found in nature.

Like fish or Smurfs.

Can we get a turn?

- Yeah. Sorry.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Will only be a while.

You know, if you could go
faster, that would be great.

I'm all the way down to no excuses.

Oh. Ugh.

Bug.

Take your time and be safe.

You want to keep your momentum
going so you don't get stuck.

You know what? A little
bit of help here, please.

Oh. Alright. Here you go. Okay.

Thank you.

Whew! Saved my life.

- I don't know about that.
- No, you did.

With my height, that's the equivalent

- of a two-story fall.
- Okay.

- I guess I did save your life then.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Pick that up from that EMT
you've been hanging out with?

Maybe. Is that bad?

No. Happy you learned something.

It's nice to just have
a day with the kids and Gregory.

Feels good.

Feels great.

Ava doesn't like anyone
going down there.

The basement? Why?

I don't know.

But I see her going down
there all the time.

Keys were bad enough,
now we've got numbers?

What the hell. Let's try...



[DOOR UNLOCKS] [CHUCKLES]


it works 69% of the time.

Well, I'll be.

[CHIMES]

ROBOT TOILET: Hello, Ms. Coleman.

It's Mr. Johnson, but you're
gonna learn that the hard way.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, kiddos, come on, let's go

get us our lunch and get in the shade.

Oh, thank goodness.
Let's get out of this sun.

Oh!

We had to move your little lunches.

I hope it's not a problem.

STUDENT: Oh!

That was supposed to be our spot.

They threw our lunches into the sun!

I have never known evil like that,

and I have been to a Cowboys home game.

You two! Where have you been?

We're at w*r here.

- w*r?
- With the park?

Gregory, uh, walk with me for a moment.

I could... I could use some air.

We're already outside.

Well, then it won't take long.

GREGORY: Okay, so what's this
about a w*r?

You're a peacetime teacher,
Gregory. This isn't for you.

I merely wanted you alone to ask

how the bus chat went.

- Was it the right time?
- No, not yet.

We were having a really good
time by the swings,

but then, while I was
taking a picture of her,

Manny sent her a text
asking her to go to dinner.

Oh, no. Not the beard.

That's what's different.
I don't care about the text.

If anything, it just motivates
me more to tell her how I feel.

My man.

So...

Next time we're alone, it's happening.

Wow.

It's like a Hallmark movie.

Janine is the city girl, and
you're the rough-and-tumble guy

who tends a garden, and I am the guy...

watching that movie.

You know, hot PB&J
is considered a delicacy

in a lot of places.

It's like a panini, basically.

[MUFFLED] So, we're being fancy.

Ha! Y'all did this to y'all selves.

Ava, you're deflating.

Hey, how are your warm,
toasty sandwiches?

What'd you say about our sandwiches?

You know what?
Why don't we just not interact

for the rest of the afternoon?

We are about to take
our students to the slide.

So you all have a nice day.

Actually, we're going to
the slide right now, so...

- Say what?
- AVA: Oh, my God.

Let it go.

This is stupid playground beef.

Y'all are being more childish
than the kids.

Soror!

Crystal?

- Crystal.
- This is your school?

This is my school.

Okay, let's fight these b*tches.

A soror w*r.

You and your teachers have been
messing with my school all day.

Before, when it had no effect
on me, I was disengaged.

But now that my podcast has ended

and my chair is deflated,
this is personal.

It's time to end this.

And how do you suppose we do that?

Relay race!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Winner takes all!

The slide and the pride!

Yeah! So just those two things!

I guess you're forgetting
I was on the track team.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] I know you a runner.

That's a Chicago term for a ho.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

Ebonics, or AAVE, it
changes from state to state.

Jacob, mnh-mnh.

Today, these two crews...
Abbott Elementary...

And Liberty Rings!

[LIBERTY STUDENTS CHEERING]
[ABBOTT STUDENTS BOOING]

will battle it out...

will battle it out park style.

A relay race through the playground.

You all know the risks.

It's what you signed up for.

And winner gets dibs
on the big wooden slide.

[ALL STUDENTS CHEERING] Yes!

Alright, here we go.
Here we go. Let's go.

- Why?! You don't know how to light it!
- This is kinda nice.

- Big slide all to ourselves.
- Mm.

Our kids are so excited
about the relay race.

So are our adults. [CHUCKLES]

So... should we slide?

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, use the oven. Whatever.

JANINE: Thanks.

Have you sliden before?

- Um, no.
- Oh!

No, I don't typically.

Clear eyes, full hearts,

elbows out, hip checks,
whatever it takes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's be aggressive out there.

Wait. Where's Janine and Gregory?

Oh, who cares? Janine will
just slow us down.

She's got little limbs.

And let's be real... Gregory's
never really been one of us.

Look. We need everybody.

I can't carry this team all by myself.

Alright. Fine. I'll go find them.

Thank you.

- You ready?
- Born ready.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

Look, Janine, um...

I wanted to tell you...

Now, what the hell's going on here?

Sorry. I had to take a call
from my ex-wife.

I wasn't talking to you.

Ugh. Never date someone you work with.

- Wait. What'd you say?
- It's a long story.

No, please.

Some of us need to hear it.

Well, me and my ex-wife,
we were both teachers.

Our classes were right next
to each other.

We eventually got there.

Ooh. Sounds so familiar.

Did you take it to HR?

'Cause when I used to date
the other cashier

at Cold Stone Creamery, policy stated

if we didn't report it, they
wouldn't like it or love it.

In fact, they gotta have it
reported to HR.

Or it would have been berry,
berry, berry bad.

Well, we did.

- And they warned us, but we ignored it.
- Mm.

And at first, everything
was wonderful, a dream.

But then things got rocky.

We fought, and there was
no escape from it.

That's right.

Home, school, the lunch room, recess,

field trips, parks, slides.

She was just there.

Always there.

I eventually had to change schools,

take less money,
crappy studio apartment,

- forced to work with Mr. Hill.
- Oof.

I feel that.

And now I have several ulcers.

Mm-hmm.

All because I dated a coworker.

Mm, mm, mm. Thank you, Mr. Morton.

It was illuminating for all of us.

Now, if you two will stop acting
like a couple of school kids,

we gotta go win a relay race.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I've been thinking
so much about it going right,

I made the mistake of
not considering it going wrong.

So I have to hold off.

But Jacob's right, though. Morton sucks.

I'm 20 pounds lighter and finally done.

My pants won't have to sag anymore.

I couldn't find a match
for this last one.

So it's going in the trash.

Oops. Forgot my car keys.

[SIGHS] [BLEEP]

Everyone know what they're doing?

Wait. I want the monkey bars.

What, you got a bet
on the other team or something?

- Janine, I really don't think...
- No, no, no, I can do it.

She can.

Fine. Gregory, you got
the tricycle thing.

So "tri-not" to mess it up.

MELISSA: Okay, okay, okay.

Let's get it!

Let's have a good, clean race.

Clean? Girl, I knew you in college.

On your mark... get set...

go!

[SCREAMS]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Hey, wait a second! Wait a second!

Ava!

[SCREAMS]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

One, two...

Whooooa!

Okay, go, go, go, go!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JANINE: Slap his hand, Jacob!

Come on, Gregory, let's go!

JACOB: Go, Greg! Go, Greg!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

That's it! Don't fall!

Oh, yes, Melissa!

GREGORY: Yes, beautiful!

[CHUCKLES]

Go! Go! Go! Here we go! Here we go!

Go, Janine!

She good!

Fly, Janine, fly!

You got it. Yes!

MELISSA: Go, Janine! You got it!

Go, Janine!

Come on, Janine, come on!
Put it all into it!

I'm not physical in this way.

One more, Janine! One more!

Okay. [GRUNTS]

Alright, now.

Stop dancing, Janine! Stop!

- Sorry!
- Thank you!

- Barb!
- JACOB: You got this!

[CHEERING]

Go, Barb, go!

- Oh, no, you didn't!
- Go, Barb!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Satan right behind you, girl!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

You're welcome, kids!

Yes.

Kids?

Wait. Where'd all the kids go?

[PLAYFUL SHOUTING, LAUGHTER]

BARBARA: Looks like the children
can get along

quite well without us.

Well, okay, but her kid shoved my kid.

- No, your kid did shove my kid.
- We're done.

I guess the adults are to blame here.

I'm sorry, soror.

And I'm sorry...

that we had to beat your ass!

[LAUGHTER]

Whoo!

- Boom!
- Ooh! Sorry.

[PLAYFUL SHOUTING, LAUGHTER]

Took you long enough.

Mr. Johnson, what you doing outside?

While I was thinning out
my keys, I locked myself out.

No way back in, so I guess
there's no more school forever.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

If it was that easy, I'd have
locked us out years ago.

Outta my way. I gotta pee.

Lucky for me, I found that
brand-new bathroom to use.

Please tell me you didn't use it.

Use it? Baby, I abused it.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Jacob.

I gotta hand it to you, man.

I thought this whole field trip
was gonna be terrible.

Just a bad idea from start to finish.

But best field trip ever?

Best field trip ever!
[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Smith Playground champions, baby!

That's right.

Look, I said you're
not getting the grill.

Okay, um, I guess
it's time to go inside.

Cool. I'm gonna see if Jacob
needs help with anything.

Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

You a little sore?

[CHUCKLES] Forget a Charley Horse,

I got a Charley Polo Team
in my hamstrings.

Charley Polo Team.

Like Ralph Lauren.

Shut up, Gregory.

I said nothing.

But I did tell you all to stretch.

You all look ridiculous.

Us? What about you?

Where does your waist end and
your neck begin? [AVA CHUCKLES]

If that's supposed
to be a pickup line...

it's working.