02x20 - I Will Always Loathe You

[bunniefuu]

Loser.

How do you do that?

The lungs of a singer, baby,

which means mamaw
sleeps in ♪ your room ♪

This isn't fair.

Why should I have
to give up my room?

Because you've got
the lungs of a ♪ loser ♪

She wouldn't even be coming here

if wasn't for your stupid award.

An international music award

is like winning an Oscar.

If it was a stupid award,
you'd win brains down.

Oh, man, this is really
gonna mess up your back.

Ha ha!

Whoa... careful with
that box, robby ray.

That's got my fancy wig.

I only air it out for
parties and funerals.

Sorry, mom.

And I can't believe you had

the music on so loud in the car.

You didn't hear a
word that I was saying.

Really. What in the
world was I thinking?

Well, you missed my whole story

about that big, old, hairy
mole that I had found on...

Kids!

Say hello to your
grandma, quick!

Mamaw!

There they are. My
handsome grandson

and my beautiful granddaughter.

The youngest person ever to win

the international music awards

female artist of the year

my word, that is a mouthful.

No wonder those awards
shows are always so long.

Hey, hey, you know
what else is long?

The walk from my
bedroom to the bathroom.

Miley's is right next door

and it has a view of the ocean.

See dolphins in the morning.

Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!

Would you give it a rest?

She's in your room.

Mamaw, Sunday is
going to be perfect.

I am getting an award
I've always dreamed of,

daddy's presenting it to me,

and now everyone I love is here.

You and Dolly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back this tractor trailer up.

You mean to tell
me that bottle blonde,

shrink-wrapped,


in a 3-pound bag...

Now, mama, I know
you don't like her, but...

Son, it is not just
her butt I don't like.

It's her head, her toes,
and everything in between.

Mamaw, this is the
biggest award of my life.

Can't you guys just get
along for a weekend?

Please, mamaw.

Oh, sweetie, I
guess for your sake,

I can look the other way,

and I do mean the other way.

I don't even want
to see that woman.

That might be kind of hard.

Why? We don't
have to pick her up

at her hotel, do we?

Can't she just hitch a ride

on one of her flying monkeys?

We don't have to
pick her up, mamaw,

because she's staying here.

Award-winning
granddaughter say what?

Hey.

I can see dolphins
from my guestroom.

Well, sh**t, that's nothing.

There's a snot-green blowfish
right here in the living room.

Now, ruthie, if you're
going to be mean,

talk to the Booty,

because the hand's off duty.

Well, I would love
to, but that Booty

has been nipped and
tucked so many times,

I just can't hardly find it.

Well, I ain't having no
problem finding yours.

Family, so glad
to have you here.

Good times. Good times. Yeah.

♪ Come on ♪

♪ you get the limo out front ♪

♪ hottest styles, every
shoe, every color ♪

♪ yeah, when you're
famous, it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ it's really you but
no one ever discovers ♪

♪ who would've thought
that a girl like me ♪

♪ would double as a superstar ♪

♪ you get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ then you rock out the show ♪

♪ you get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ mix it all together
and you know ♪

♪ that it's the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ hey, yeah ♪

So this whole feud
started over a boy?

Yup. It was high school.

Mamaw was having
a summer romance,

and then aunt Dolly bounced in

and... well, that was pretty
much all she had to do.

Mamaw never forgave Dolly

for stealing the
love of her life...

Mr. Elvis Presley.

No. Yes.

No. Yes. No.

Yes!

Yes, yes. Elvis. Elvis
with the pelvis and the hair

and the hunka
hunka burnin' love.

Guys, I haven't slept all night

and my back is k*lling me,

so please, for the
love of all that is

good and pure in
this forsaken universe,

zip it!

Good morning, everybody.

Well, Jackson, you lazy bones,

get your rump out of bed.

What do you know?

Floor's more comfortable
than the couch.

Morning, mamaw Stewart.

Hey, Lily, you cutie patootie.

It's too bad Dolly isn't here

to see what a real
blonde looks like.

Mamaw. I'm sorry.

I'll chillax.

What? I'm Hannah
Montana's grandma.

I got to keep up
on the teen scene

so I can be fricky-fricky-fresh.

Ok, now that is just
wicky-wicky-weird.

Hey, mamaw? Come here.

Will you look at my nails?

What should I do
for the awards show?

Sparkly or non-sparkly?

I think non-sparkly.

Sparky just kind
of feels trampy.

Hey, look at my sparkly nails.

Just had 'em done
for the awards show.

Exhibit a.

Come on, mamaw.

Now, you promised you'd be nice.

Aunt Dolly's being nice.

Well, of course.
I'm always nice.

At least that's what
the king used to tell me.

You know, I gave
Elvis that nickname.

We used to always play checkers

and he would be like
"king me, baby, uh-huh,"

so I started calling
him the king.

True story.

No, ruthie, there's no need

to get your granny
panties in a twist.

Why don't you come on over here?

I'll give yours a twist.

Your family is
better than cable.

Pull your claws in, miss kitty.

I'm just here to celebrate

my goddaughter's big night.

And I am here to celebrate

my granddaughter's big night.

That is my granddaughter,

my kinfolk, a blood relation.

Now I'm just going to
run and get my purse

and then I'm going
to take you to find

something beautiful to
wear for your awards show

oh, how sweet.

Don't worry, darling. I'll
take you shopping later

and I'll buy you
something you'll actually

want to be seen in.

Rico's public access
commercial, take one.

And action.

Hey-o. My name is
rico and this is rico's.

Do you like hot dogs?
We got hot dogs.

Do you... cut, cut.

Ok. Maybe I was
a little nervous.

It was my first
take. I'll loosen up.

Just give me a minute.

Hang on, rico! Hang on, rico!

Ok. I'm good.

Rico's public access
commercial, take 2.

And action.

Hey-o. My name is
rico and... cut. Cut.

Stupid. Stupid.

No, you're not stupid.
You just can't act.

Face it, rico, we
need a better rico.

Fine.

Who's first?

Hey-o! Hey-o! Hey-o!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Ok. Open your eyes.

Wow, your mamaw has
better taste than I thought.

Aunt Dolly bought me this.

Mamaw bought me this.

Yow!

Wait for it.

Yow with lights!

I thought having
both of them here

would make this night perfect,

but now I just can't
wait for it to be over.

What am I going to do?

Well, too bad you can't just

put them in front of a mirror

and show them how
ridiculous they look.

Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

Ok, that was weird.

E7.

Miss. Again. A2.

Hit. Again.

Dang it, woman, I'm your son.

Doesn't that
account for anything?

No.

Excuse me. I'm a little hungry,

but I was just wondering

if I should eat this
apple before lunch.

B4?

Hit.

A3.

Miss.

Excuse me, could you tell me

where I might find a napkin,

because I don't see one.

All right, I will tell
you what I see...

The woman who put the
"ole" in the grand ole opry.

You sank my submarine.

He did that. Oh,
for crying out loud.

He couldn't b*at
me at tiddlywinks.

Let that live forever.

Don't you walk away from me,

you shrink-wrapped,
rhinestone hillbilly.

Let it go, you sour, old prune.

You are just mad

because Elvis chose me.

He didn't choose
you. You stole him,

you big-haired, two-timing,

yakety yodeler.

Well, I'd rather have big hair

than a double-wide backside.

Well, at least I don't
have a triple-wide ego

and a mouth to match.

Ladies, please.

You're all shook up.

Don't be cruel you got
to take all that anger

and... return to sender, baby.

Elvis, didn't you
love me the most?

Well, pretty mamas,
when it comes down to it,

I would've traded you both for a fried
peanut butter and banana sandwich.

So you mean to tell me

we've been fighting all
these years for nothing?

Uh-huh-huh.

And forgetting that we
both married wonderful men?

Uh-huh.

And we should just stop arguing

and celebrate Miley's big night.

A-yeah-yeah.

I believe it's your
turn now, ladies.

Well, don't that b*at all?

Well, don't I feel foolish?

How come I never
thought of "yakety yodeler"?

That one's a keeper.

I'm going to do you a favor.

I'm going to pretend
like I didn't hear that.

Oh, kind of like
you've been pretending

for the past 30 years

that that's your real hair?

You want to dance, mamaw?

Well, bring on the music.

Bring it on, blondie.

Oh, you just... owww!

Ok, stop it!

I love you both,
but I guess you don't

love me enough to stop this.

And if this is how
you're gonna act,

I don't want either of
you guys there tonight.

In fact, why don't you
both just... just go home?

♪ Whoa whoa whoa ♪

♪ whoa whoa oh ♪

Sweetie? Could we talk to you

for just a minute?

Why?

Well, because you really are

important to us, angel.

And if you'll let us come
to the awards show,

we promise to behave.

We really will.

Why should I believe
anything y'all say?

Well, we'll prove it to you.

Ruthie, does this outfit
make me look trampy?

No, not at all.

Wait a minute. I can
do better than that.

Mamaw, it's ok.

You're trying.

That is all I've ever wanted.

So we can come?

It would mean the world to us.

Fine. But I'm picking
out my own outfit.

What...

Ok.

Hey-oh. My name is rico

and this is r-r-rico.

Do you like hot dogs?

Well, we've got the
best hot dogs in town...

Perfect. He's great.

I'm not feeling it.

He doesn't have the right look.

Are you kidding? He
could be your brother.

I am his brother.

Now that's a rico.

In what world?

Let's just see what he's got.

Whenever you're
ready, beautiful.

Like looking in a mirror.

Hey-o. My name's rico.

Ok. I know how to fix this.

I'm rico and I'll be
waiting for you. Hey-o.

I am ashamed to
be a part of this.

Nothing sells hot dogs
like some sweet relish.

♪ Ooh, ooh, whoa-oh ♪

Ok, daddy, now remember.

When you introduce
me, it is not about you.

You get on and
get right back off.

Just for that, I'm
going to tell them

how you used to put
that diaper on your head

and run around the house.

Captain diaperhead.

They're going to love that.

That is exactly why I brought

pictures of you in
your chubby years.

Fine. Captain
diaperhead triumphs again.

Now presenting the award

for female artist of the year,

award-winning singer
and songwriter Robbie ray.

Hey, you guys might want
to go take your seats now.

No. I'm fine right here.

I want to be the
first one to hug you

when you come off that stage.

Well, I wanted to be the
only one wearing pink, too,

so it looks like we're both
going to be disappointed.

Well, we'll hug her together.

What a nice idea.

I'm watching you.


enough to win artist of the year,

and tonight, it is my honor

to present this to
my own daughter.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it
up for miss Hannah Montana.

Thanks, daddy.

I couldn't have asked
for a better introduction.

I have to say that.
He's my ride home.

You know that girl has such
a wonderful sense of humor.

She got that from
my side of the family.

Oh, really? I always thought

she learned how to get a
chuckle out of an audience

from watching me onstage.

Watching me onstage.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

This is such an
incredible honor.

And getting it from my dad
makes it all the more special.

You know, actually,
I never really

thought you were all that funny.

Well, Elvis thought I had
a wonderful comic mind.

Oh, I know what Elvis
was thinking about,

and honey, trust me, it had
nothing to do with your mind.

You take that back. You make me.

And what makes
this night perfect

is I can share it
with the two women

who have inspired
me with their character,

strength, and of
course... Man stealer!

Sore loser!

Their class.

Aah! I can always count on

these two very special ladies

to stop what they're doing
when I need them. Aah!

Aah!

Uh, I... I... I remember

when I... when I
got my first review.

They both cut it out
and sent it to me.

- Aah!
- Ooh!

They've sent me
so many clippings,

I finally just had to say

enough already!

Oh!

I'll be right back.

Aah!

Jackson, I leave the
room for 2 minutes

and you turn on wrestling.

Flip back to the awards show.

This is the awards show.

Ooh!

That's gonna leave a Mark.

Aah! You guys promised!

Aah!

Now break it up!

Aah!

Wow. Your family
really is better than cable.

Uhh. Once again,

I would just like to thank
you so much for this award.

I mean this award.

Oh, sweet... I hope
you two are happy.

Good night, everybody! Whoo!

Miley, slow down.

I think I broke a heel.

I think I broke a hip.

Will you two stop it?

You turned one of the
best nights of my life

into some... some kind
of granny smackdown.

Oh, Miley, sweetie.

How many times do we
have to say we're sorry?

You can say you're
sorry a million times,

but I will never forgive you.

I learned that from the best.

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

Mile?

Great night, huh? Woo-hoo.

Hey, listen, darling.

Dad, don't ask me to go
out there and forgive them,

because I won't.

Pfft. I don't blame you.

Those women actually
dislocated my shoulder.

I wouldn't blame you if you
never spoke to them again.

Good, because I'm not.

Good for you.

Why should you treat them

any different than
they treat each other?

Where are you going with this?

Well, wherever your
heart tells you I'm going.

Think about it.

I hate when he goes
all fortune cookie on me.

♪ Ooh, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

I'll put your
luggage in the car.

Ow. Gee, I wonder what's
wrong with my shoulder?

Oh, that's right. I was
body-slammed into the stage door.

Sorry... My bad, sweetie.

Well, I guess she's
not coming down.

I don't blame her.

Hey.

Don't go yet.

I'm still incredibly mad at you.

I don't blame you, sweetie.

Me neither.

But... that doesn't mean
I'll never forgive you.

Because if I don't, I lose you.

And I've seen
what that looks like.

So... y'all can go
on hating each other,

but I'll never hate you.

I don't think the two most
important women in my life

would want me to act that way.

Oh.

She's a pretty
remarkable girl, isn't she?

Yes, she is. Smart, too.

You know, I am kind of
tired of acting this way.

So am I.

Hating burns up a lot of energy.



What do you say we start

trying to be nice to
each other again?

Well, I'd like that.

Oh, hello. Smushing
the pop star.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't say I didn't like it.

Oh...

♪ You're a
true-ue-ue-ue friend ♪

♪ you're here till the end ♪

♪ you pull me aside when
something ain't right ♪

♪ talk to me now
and into the night ♪

ruthie, Hannah, and Dolly:
♪ no need to pretend ♪

♪ you're a true friend ♪

whoo! Whoo-ha. Whoo!