01x18 - People Who Use People

[bunniefuu]

[Miley:] Those are your
nominees for Best On Screen Kiss.

And the Teenie Award goes to...

You know, if we'd been able to
finish our kiss on "Zombie High",

we might've won this thing.

[Audience laughing]

-[Whispers] Your turn.
-Oh. Right.

Oh, Jake, I bet you say
that to all your co-stars.

"Push Jake."

[Audience laughing]

I mean...

And the Teenie...

[Audience laughing]

And the Teenie for Best Teen Kiss goes to...

Frankie Muniz and his pillow
in "The Lonely Sophomore".

[Audience applauding]

Good job, Frankie.

Unfortunately, Frankie's
doing a movie in Romania.

And the pillow has a hot date with a bunk bed.

Hold for laughter.

[Audience laughing]

God, I did it again!

[Audience laughing]

We'll be accepting this on Frankie's behalf.

Thank you. Oh, and next year,
I promise I'll do better. Toodles.

[Audience applauding]

[Groaning]

-Man! Darn it!
-Come on.

People love it when we mess up.

Besides, I think you did great.
-Thanks.

'Hold for applause'

Great to see you again, Hannah.

Can't wait to get you back
on the show to finish that kiss.

-I'll have my people call your people.
-Great. My people will be waiting.

That would be me. I'm Lola,
her most important people.

Which is why I may look
familiar, but we've never met.

Not even in school or anything.

Because I'm home-schooled.

In Canada.

Where the moose are.

Okay.

Nice to meet you, too. Bye.

Bye, Jake.

"Where the moose are"? "In Canada"?

"Where I'm home-schooled"?

-Lola, way to keep your cover.
-Oh, who cares?

Hey, you know what? I heard
he broke up with that girl at school.

That means the zombie slayer's available.

I know.

I can't wait to go to school on Monday.

Maybe Jake and I can finally get together.

[Cameras clicking]

Or not.

Sorry.

No, I'm fine with it.

I'm cool.

I'm really, really fine.

Oopsies.

Frankie won't be when he finds
out you tore off his Teenie's tiny head.

Sorry, Teenie.

It's okay.

♫ Come on!

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're
famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's
the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

Okay; You got enough sh*ts.
Can we have a little privacy now?

Thanks.

Wow.

First the Teenie, now this. You got it bad.

I know.

And what's worst is, Jake liked
you first, and you turned him down.

Otherwise that could have been you

over there giving Jake little popcorn kissies.

-Lilly, you got ice cream on your face.
-Where?

Right there.

Thanks.

Hey, need a napkin?

No thanks, I'm good.

Speak for yourself.

But, you know,

a girl can never have too many napkins.

-Thanks. I'm Miley.
-I'm Willis.

[Exaggerated laughter]

You are so funny, so funny!

Here, take a seat. You come here often?

No. I just moved from Seattle.

[Exaggerated laughter] Seattle.

There is no stopping you now, is there?

[Exaggerated laughter]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

I don't get it either.

So, where are you going to school?

Eastwood Prep. But I'm graduating.

You're a senior? Because we're just...

Starving!

Why don't I go get us all some
pretzels? Wait here, Walter.

It's Willis.

[Exaggerated laughter]

Still so funny. You just keep on k*lling me!

-Make sure he doesn't go anywhere.
-What are you doing?

You can't flirt with a senior. He's old enough...

To make Jake jealous? So he'll
realize I'm the girl he really wants?

Ooh, diabolical. Or should I say 'guy-abolical'?

[Laughing]

You shouldn't say anything.

Oh, hi, Jake. I didn't notice
you here on the beach.

Oh, hey, Miley. I didn't notice
you here on the beach either.

This is Holly. She's an actress.

Oh, yeah. I saw you in that commercial.

You know, the one where you had to have that

really uncomfortable talk with your mom.

I hope everything worked out.

That wasn't really my mom, okay?

Well, as long as the toe fungus is gone.

So, who's your friend?

Oh, that's Willis. He's from Seattle.

You know, uh, the Coffee Capital of America.

He drinks it... black.

-Holly drinks espresso.
-Willis shaves.

-Holly waxes.
-Willis is a senior.

Wow.

Toodles.

Hey; I was wondering if
maybe you wanted to go to this

bowling party with me.

Sure, of course I'll go to
the bowling party with you.

With all of your senior classmates.

Oh, Holly. Open up.

Oh, Willis. Are you hungry?

Why did Miley just shove a
pretzel in that guy's mouth?

I think it's supposed to look romantic.

Okay, Dad, at the parent-teacher conference,

you may hear a little something
about a belching contest.

I just want you to know that it never happened.

And I was not the champion!

I can't approve of that kind of behavior.

But I guess better out the
attic than out the basement.

Thanks, Dad, but don't try that
kind of humor with Ms. Kunkle.

She doesn't have a funny bone in her body.

I bet I'll get a giggle out of her. I
know she hasn't heard this one.

-Knock-knock.
-No, no, no, Dad!

No "knock-knock" jokes,
all right? No jokes at all!

If you even think something
funny, I'm going to get detention!

[Scoffs] Stop exaggerating.

No one who dedicates
themself to a life of educating kids

-could be that mean.
-Oh, yeah?

Stewart,

last night your father tried
to tell me a knock-knock joke.

No. I swear, I told him not to.

Are you blinking?

There is no blinking in my class!

I'm not blinking!

Oh, no!

That's it!

I couldn't do anything to your father. But you...

[Evil laughter]
Ha, ha, ha!

Solitary for a week!

-Not the cage!
-Oh, yes,

...the cage.
-But I'm so young.

-Ha, ha, ha
-Please. No!

[Evil laughter]

[Stammering] Dad, please,

just get in, and then get out. All right?

Just save all that wonderful charm
for the checkout lady at the market.

That reminds me, I can use
some of my funny food puns

to break the ice with her!

It's grape to meet you, ma'am.

[Groans]

Lettuce sit and talk.

Whoa doggies, I'm on fire!

I'm doomed.

[Bell ringing-♪]

You can't go out with this guy.

You start bowling with a
senior, the next thing you know

you're go-karting with a college guy!

It's madness!

[Laughing]

Hey, who sprinkled drama queen
in your oatmeal this morning?

Relax, you guys. I was never
going to go out with Willis.

I just said it to make Jake jealous.

So, how are you going to
get out of the bowling party?

I'll just call Willis and tell him the truth.

That I totally forgot I'm
allergic to rental shoes.

Perfect.

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Jake.

So I guess I'll, uh, see you
at the bowling alley tonight.

Yeah, that sounds... What?

Well, I just thought that Holly and I
would have a great time bowling, too.

-So we'll probably bump into you there.
-I'm sure you would, but, uh,

-I'm not sure if I'm still going to...
-Aw.

Did your senior boyfriend
already break up with you?

No. I'm just not sure if... I'm
wearing my red top or my green,

just in case you're looking for me.

-Thanks for being so thoughtful.
-My pleasure.

-See you there.
-Yes, you will.

Don't worry. I've got him right where I want him.

Which is where?

I have no idea.

Dad;

The weirdest thing happened at school today.

I think Ms. Kunkle actually... smiled.

Is that so?

Some thought it was a trick of the light,
and I had my money on a gas bubble.

Did she seem okay when
you talked to her last night?

Karen? Yeah,

She seemed fine. And later at coffee...

Whoa! You and Kunkle had coffee? You're kidding.

And an apple crumbly.

I can't believe it.

You went all fruit funny and now Ms. Kunkle is...

Smiling.

Really?

I didn't do anything but talk with her.

But I was having a pretty good hair day.

Wait a minute. If after a half hour
with you and your hair she's smiling,

imagine what she'd be like
after a real date with you.

Now, class,

the best way to learn about the
wave particle theory of physics is...

To catch some gnarly waves!

Come on, Kunkle-cakes! Surf's up, baby!

Coming, hunky-monkey!

-Does this mean I get an A?
-This means everybody gets an "A"!

Cowabunga!

[All cheering]

Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!

Jackson?

-Jackson?
-Huh?

Sorry, Dad. Uh, so when are
you going to see her again?

-We never talked about it.
-Well, get on it, Romeo!

It's time to runkle with
the... Karen Kunkle, please.

But, Jackson, don't you dare... Hello, Karen.

-Uh, yeah, this is Robbie Stewart.
-Work it, Dad, work it.

I got a bad feeling about this.

Come on, we'll just stay long
enough for Jake to see me with Willis

and then we'll be out of here. No problem.

I don't see Willis.

Just look for a bunch of cool older guys.

[Laughing]

Hey, Miley! Hi!

Hey, Willis. Who's this?

My best friend, Mike.

It's that girl I was talking to
you about. What do you think?

Hubba-hubba.

Best friend? How old is he?

I know, I know. He looks 10, but he's really 12.

Uh, isn't it weird hanging out with
guys so much younger than you?

Well, truth is,

Mike's older than me.

-How old are you?
-Eleven.

And three-quarters.

-You're 11?
-And three-quarters.

What you talking about, Willis?

-How can you be 11?
-And three-quarters.

Not helping!

-And take that giraffe off your head.
-It's a dragon.

Who cares? It's a balloon hat.

Look on the bright side, she
can baby-sit him for extra money.

-You said you were graduating!
-I am.

Elementary school!

Sorry.

I thought it'd be cool to be at the party with...

You know, an older babe.

I can't believe you used me! [Groans]

You mean, just like you used him?

Okay, fine. I used him.

It was wrong, I learned my
lesson and I'll never do it again.

-Jake alert.
-Right after this.

-Quick, put your arm around me.
-Wow. I'm touching shoulder.

Willis, come on, they're cutting
the cake! It's shaped like a castle!

-In a minute.
-Well, you better hurry up

if you want any of the pudding moat.

Pudding moat?

Remember when you used
to like cake more than girls?

Yeah.

Kids.

-Oh, just go get some.
-Maybe just a taste.

All right, Lilly, quick. Let's
get out of here before...

Hey, Lilly.

Miley?

Hello.

Isn't that your senior boyfriend over there?

No, that kid just looks like him.

I am "King Willis"!

And has the same name.

-Hi, Miley.
-And knows me.

[Humming]

-Dad, what are you doing?
-What does it look like I'm doing?

Thanks to you, I'm cooking "Chicken a la Kunkle".

At least take off the apron.

You can't have a woman over for a date

looking like you just got off the
late shift at the Waffle Wagon.

It's not a date, Son.

It's two adults having dinner
because one adult's son

hoodwinked him into it.

All right. Whatever you say.

Just walk through that.

-I don't think so.
-Dad.

Get that skunk water away from
my chicken! What's wrong with you?

Would you just work with
me a little bit here, Dad?

Now tilt your nose up,
it's time to trim the jungle.

Keep that weed whacker away from me!

[Doorbell ringing-♪]

Oh, man, she's here.

At least... yoosh!

I wouldn't do that even if I knew what it meant.

[Trimmer whirring]

-Hello, Jackson.
-Ms. Kunkle, come on in.

Karen. Orange you a sight for sore eyes.

Oh, Robbie, you are so punny!

[Karen laughs]

-Smells incredible.
-And it tastes even better.

Mmm, mmm Wonderful.

But I think it could use just a dash of tarragon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We got a, uh, pretty delicate
balance of spices here.

Wouldn't want to throw it out of
whack, but thanks for the thought.

Well, I'm just talking about a dash.

I'm a pretty fair cook myself, you know.

That may be, but this recipe's
been in the family for generations.

Well, that doesn't mean it can't be improved.

Uh,

it was good enough to take second place

for "Recipe of the Year" at
the "Tennessee State Fair".

Well, maybe if it had a dash
of tarragon, it would've won.

Hey, now, hey.

Let's not forget about the apple crumbly.

Good times, good times.

Well, I remember the apple because
someone else ate all of the crumbly.

And it was delicious because
it didn't have any tarragon in it.

Hey, hey, who wants to get a pizza?

They actually put cheese in the crust now. Mmm.

You know, everybody's entitled to their opinion.

But in this case, yours is wronger
than a monkey driving a lawn mower!

[Imitating monkey]

Well, my opinion couldn't be any
wronger than your grammar, cowboy.

Oh, pshaw, what's a dash
of tarragon between friends?

Okay, that's it.

The next one that says
tarragon is going to be gone.

Tarragon.

Tarragon.

Tarra... I am so gone!

Dad, what about my "A"?

Oh, now I see what you're up to.

Son, I'm sorry,

but if you want good grades
you're going to have to earn them.

What kind of a father are you?

Wait a minute, I can save this!

Ms. Kunkle! Ms. Kunkle, wait!

Ms. Kunkle, come back!

You guys make such a great pear!

Turn around! I'm holding a pear!

[Car engine running]

It's punny!

Oh, great. There's Jake.

You're going to have to face him sooner or later.

I choose later.

All right, fine. But I can hear him already.

"Hey, Miley. What are you and
Willis doing tomorrow night?"

"Hot date on the teeter-totter?"

[Laughing]

Looks like he wanted to try it out on them first.

I guess I do deserve this. I did use Willis.

Boy, did you ever.

It was like you had a love
cold and he was the tissue.

"Willis, can I borrow you for a second?"

[Sneezes]

"Goodbye, Willis."

I already admitted I was wrong.

You don't have to blow my nose in it.

-This is such a disaster.
-Not totally. I bowled a 280.

-The bumpers were up.
-You never let me have anything.

Hey, Miley. Oh, we just heard...

I know. I know. I went on
a date with an 11-year-old.

But in my defense, he could totally pass for 16.

-Without the balloon hat.
-Or the ninja stickers.

Hey!

Uh, I was just going to tell
you this funny joke Jake told us.

But you going out with an


[All laughing]

Awkward.

I'm just going to go see what that joke was.

Maybe Jake didn't tell anybody.

Why wouldn't he tell
anybody? Any other boy would.

I've got to find out.

All right, Jake. What's going on?

Why haven't you told anybody
about me and balloon boy?

Why would I do that? You
seemed so miserable last night

and I didn't want to make it any worse.

Really?

That's kind of nice.

It's like I've been trying to
tell you since the beginning.

-I'm really not a bad guy.
-Maybe not.

Plus, I thought it was kind of
cool that you went to all that trouble

just to make me jealous.

Whoa! slow down there, ego boy.

Why would I be trying to make you jealous?

Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Holly? She's not my girlfriend.

We have a movie coming out so we've
been hanging out as a publicity thing.

Why didn't you tell me that before?!

Uh... Well, I think I, uh...

Wait a minute. I know why.

Because you were trying to make me jealous.

-Was not!
-Was too.

-Admit it, Jake, you like me!
-No, you like me! Just say it!

-No, you say it!
-No, you!

No, you!

I guess this means we're kind of together.

I guess it does.

So, do you want to go out sometime?

Or do you want to ask me since you're the guy?

Well, I don't really know how to say it.

Come on, it's not that hard.

Well, okay. You want to go out with me

-four months from this Saturday?
-Yeah, that sounds...

Huh?

Frankie Muniz was going to do
this movie, and he dropped out.

I fly to Romania tonight.

Yeah, but you can't just leave. You kissed me.

Well, hey, it's not my fault
I got a big part in a movie.

I know, but you kissed me!

I know. It was great.

And now I don't have to go off and
wonder what it would have been like.

Yeah, it would have been awful for you
to have left without planting one on me.

Exactly!

So I guess it is four months.

So I'm going to give you a little
something extra to remember me by.

Whoa!

That's how I plant one.