01x13 - You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Zit is About You

[bunniefuu]

[Cameras clicking]

Wonderful, Hannah! Brilliant!

Oh, you look gorgeous! Radiant!

♫ This is the life Hold on tight

Yeah!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

[whooping]

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha!

♪ This is the life... ♪

Oh! Wait, stop. Stop, stop.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hannah, darling, we're doing an
ad for skin cream, not wart removal!

What is that face?

I believe it's a reaction to your singing.

-And you are?
-Hannah's manager.

Well, "Hannah's manager," I'm
an award-winning photographer,

so why don't you just push your tush off my set?

And I'm also her father.

Oh, I need a chair for Mr. Montana's tush!

Ah, there you go. Comfy?

-Like a monkey in a banana bath.
-How charming!

[Laughing] Ha, ha, ha, ha

Okay.

Hannah, darling; Magic Glow Skin Cream,

everyone's favorite zit-zapper,
is using this billboard to launch

a worldwide campaign, okay?
So give me jubilance peppered with

rapture and sprinkled with
just a dash of je ne sais quoi!

No, no, no,

That's not even close.

How about, "Say cheese?"

-I need some cheese for Mr. Montana!
-Nice spread, Son.

You need to slow it down a
little bit. What I'm saying is

if you just keep it simple,
you'll get more out of her.

Oh; Yes, Mr. Montana, anything you say.

[Chuckling]

Just what I need, Jethro's chicken fried wisdom.

Ah!

All right, Hannah,

say, "Cheese!" Ha, ha, ha

Oh, okay. All right. Good.

Okay. Yes! Good. You're getting there.

Yes. Oh, fabulous.

Oh, yes, fabulous!

Perfection!

Perfection! I've done it again!

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

-Miley!
-Oliver!

For the winning sh*t...

-Come on, Lilly, flagrant foul!
-Oops. My bad.

Here you go.

Nice hands, Shaq.

-Why don't you have your contacts in?
-My dog ate them,

along with an entire tube of toothpaste.

He's been doing this all morning.

Lilly, how are you gonna get a sneak peek

at my Magic Glow billboard
tonight if you can't even see?

I'll just imagine your head
really big with pigeons on it.

I know, you're giving me
a look, I just can't see it.

-Don't you have backup glasses?
-Oh, you mean these?

Wowee! Look at those styling specs!

Nice try.

Never let your mother buy you
glasses at a place that also sells tires.

-Hey, Truscott!
-Yeah! Who's that?

Heather.

Okay. Give them attitude. More 'tude!

Congrats on making the half pipe finals.

-I'm so sorry.
-About what?

Sorry I'm gonna b*at you. Again.

-b*at you again!
-You've got no chance.

No chance!

-Shut up!
-Shut up!

Oh.

Let me tell you something, Heather.

No. Let me.

Hold up, slick, no one
talks to my girl like that.

-Ow.
-Sorry.

Saturday night in the finals, you're going down!

You may have beaten Lilly last
year, and the year before that,

and the year before that...

[MUFFLED SPEECH]

I think she gets it.

You're the one who's gonna get it bad.

[ENUNCIATING] Get it baaaad!

-Too much?
-You think?

You know what?

You may be the champion now, but after Saturday,

you're gonna be the chumpion!

High five.

[Thudding]

[Cell phone ringing-♪]

Just answer your phone
before you hurt anybody else.

Hello. Hey, Mom.

What?

But they said_

Okay, fine.

My contacts aren't coming till next week.

Oh, so what? You can just wear your
glasses to the skate finals. Who cares?

I do. No way I'm gonna
compete if I have to wear these.

Are you kidding me?

All you've been talking about
is double kickflipping Heather

all across the skate park.

That was with two eyes, not four.

Over here.

I am not going in front of all
those people looking like this.

Lilly, will you please forget about how you look?

It's what's on the inside that counts.

Easy for you to say.

You're the poster child for perfect skin!

This isn't about me.

Or my perfect skin.

Oliver!

Please tell Lilly that looks don't matter.

Okay. Looks don't matter.

See? If Oliver can say it
with his freaky nostril thing,

you can get over your glasses.
-Yeah.

What?

Oh, you know, how one is
way bigger than the other?

You don't see him obsessing about it.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at me! Look!

I am a lopsided freak!

I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

Stop staring at me! I'm not an animal!

Jackson.

There's something wrong with that boy.

Why? Why?

Why me, Dad? Why me?

I was just asking myself that same question

not five seconds ago when I unloaded these.

Whoa, it worked! They are whiter.

And lemon fresh!

On the bright side,

I'm just glad to see you're
wearing clean underwear again.

-So, how'd the date go, Son?
-I still can't believe it.

I finally got Melissa to go out with me,

we're cruising down the coast highway,

and I do that yawn thing, where I
get my arm all the way around her.

And then...
[IMITATES ENGINE SPLUTTERING]

I can see where that would
have been embarrassing.

But at least you were in a convertible.

Dad, it wasn't me, it was the car!

I didn't have enough money so I ran out of gas.

-It was humiliating.
-Don't sweat it, Son.

I'm sure your friend understood.

It's not like you made her get out and push.

This has been the worst date of my entire life!

Well, maybe a little kiss will make it better?

Somebody had to steer.

-Hello, Jackson.
-Hello, Rico.

So, your boss, the man I call "Daddy,"

tells me you asked him for a raise.
-Yeah, I did.

Girls like cars, cars like
gas, and gas costs money.

What's it to you?

Well, Daddy still hasn't made up his mind.

Could go either way.

If only you had someone,

someone... someone on the inside.

Someone who knows how to pull on his heartstrings

and make him dance like a little puppet.

What do you want, Rico?

[CHUCKLES EVILLY]

And now, the Great Ricolini will perform

the legendary disappearing egg trick,

with the help of my charming assistant,

the lovely Tina.

She should have shaved her legs.

But isn't she wonderful?

Here, O Great Ricolini, the magical egg.

[Clicks]

Please, no flash photography.

Isn't she wonderful?

I hold in my hand what looks
to be an ordinary egg. But is it?

One, two, and...

Yes, it is.

And I thank you.

[Audience applauding]

Lilly, there's no one up here.
This is really getting stupid.

We passed stupid on the third floor.

Now we're up to sports hernia.

Okay, fine.

-Whoa! This is so cool!
-Wait till you see the billboard.

Not before the drum roll.

[CLATTERING]

What?

You know, they really don't look that bad.

If it helps, I think they're pretty cool.

-Aw, man!
-What'd I say?

Dad, when a parent says
something's cool, you know it's dorky.

Okay, I get it.

Lilly; I think those glasses
are a big bowl of ugly.

[CRANKILY] Thanks a lot!

"Big bowl of ugly"? Work with me here.

Oh, well, enough chitchat.

How 'bout we unveil this masterpiece?

Yeah. And, Lilly, when you
b*at Heather in the skate finals,

no one's gonna be looking at your glasses.

They're gonna be looking
at the big trophy in your hand.

Well... It is big, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

And if it were me, I wouldn't
let glasses or anything

stop me from going after what I really wanted.

Really?

Well, what if you had

a zit the size of a tomato?

Lilly, come on. Now you're just being ridiculous.

Oh, yeah? Turn around.

[GASPING]

Daddy! Who put my face on that zit?

-No, ma'am.
-No, ma'am.

-No way
-No way!

-We never agreed to something like this.
-No, we did not!

I know, but I had an inspiration.

If Hannah Montana says, "Even
I get zits," she should have a zit.

It was staring me right in the face.

Yeah, well, now it's staring all
of Los Angeles right in the face.

-And we don't like it.
-No, we do not!

I hear your concerns. There's
nothing more important to me right now

than your feelings. Be right back.

[SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION]

I need more emotion!
You're strong, you're fearless!

You're a superhero saving the world.

Give me something.

I can't work with this!

Not so easy when it's your
face that has the problem.

I don't have a problem.

Why should I have a problem?

After all, looks don't matter.

And if that's the way they want to
go with this worldwide campaign,

I'm fine with it.

Sorry, Mile, but this is the way

they wanna go with the worldwide campaign.

What?

I mean, really?

Great.

Awesome; Terrific.

I love it!

You do?

Yes, I do.

I mean, after all, looks don't matter.

I don't just talk the talk,

I walk the walk.

You are amazing.

I mean, if you can stand
up in front of the whole world

with that ginormous zit,

something any normal
person would be humiliated by_

Lilly; Please. Get to the point.

The point is that, if you can do all that,

then I can wear my glasses
to the skate competition.

Thank you so much.

This is the greatest thing
you've ever done for me.

I am gonna double kickflip
Heather all over that skate park!

Thanks to you.

I'm so proud of you, Miley.

Thanks.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Daddy, we have got to get rid of that zit!

What happened to, "Looks don't matter"?

What happened to, "Don't worry, I'll fix it"?

I tried, bud.

[Mimicking] "I tried, bud."

Hey, Dad.

Well, you move the family to Hollywood,

and this is what you get.

Come on, Jackson, we gotta do this quick.

Sorry, I need my cash up front.

I've got one kid yanking my chain already.

I don't need another one.

Fine.

Half now and half when the job's done.

Done.

Okay.

Let's cover this goober.

Wait. I got a better idea.

It's not ready yet.

Just hold the paint.

Hey, Miley, what are you
gonna tell Lilly at the big unveiling

when she sees that the zit's gone?

Not a problem.

She'll be at the skateboard competition.

By the time she sees the
billboard, she'll have her trophy

and I'll have my face back,

just like that.

-Nice work.
-Thanks.

You know, sometimes the voice
in my head sounds just like Dad.

There's a reason for that.

Oh, man. Busted.

So who's the mastermind behind this operation?

Okay...

-Jackson made me do it.
-What?

Dad,

why do you have a paint brush?

Jackson made me do it.
-And I repeat...

what?!

Mile;

You know I'll always be there
for you. You're my little girl.

Wait, what am I?

Tina. My other little girl.

So, Rico, check this out.

Your little magic act inspired me.

Keep your eye on the ball.

Round and round they go.

Watch the amazing works
of the magnificent Jacksolini.

-Where's the ball?
-Nice try, amateur.

You call that a trick?

No, I call that a setup.

Here's the trick.

Oh, gross, man. This stuff stinks.

Hey, hey!

Hey, do you want this?

Fetch. Go get it, boy.

Your dad called me this morning.

I got the raise. And thank you.

This isn't over.

I got the raise,

and dumped it on you. I dumped it on him.

-I dumped it on you.
-Jackson?

Melissa! Great news!

I'm a man with money and a lotta gas.

In my car.

What did you do to this little boy?

First of all, he's not a little boy.

[Sobbing] I want my mommy!

Stop that!

No, you stop it. Make him stop, nice lady.

And to think I came all the way over
here to give you a second chance.

But... He's the devil.

And you're pathetic.

Come on, sweetie, I'll take
you home and wash you off.

Wait.

I have money.

Who wants to talk to me? Hello?

Hi... Oh, you're not important enough.

Oh, look, it's the Montana posse.

Howdy. Nice 'stache.

You grow them fast down south.

Once again, I'm sorry about...
What was I sorry about?

Putting that zit on my child's forehead.

[FAKING LAUGHTER]

Okay.

Right, well...

Who else wants to talk to me?

Psst! Psst! Psst!

She's with me.

Lilly, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at
the skateboard competition.

I'm going straight from here.

But what kind of friend would I
be if I didn't come to support you

after all you did for me?

That's so sweet. Thank you so much.

-Now go.
-No, no, no.

When they pull that cover
off and expose that big zit,

I'm going to be right here for you.

Again;

I appreciate it.

Now leave.
-No way, I'm staying.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to present my latest masterpiece,

the worldwide premiere of the
Magic Glow Skin Cream campaign!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

Hey, what happened to the zit? Where'd it go?

Wow! That zit-zapper really works!

Where's my zit? I loved that zit!

That'll teach you to sell us a
horse and then deliver a mule.

-You covered it up.
-Lilly, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand fine.

You lied to me.

But, Lilly!

Just because I couldn't take my own advice,

doesn't mean you shouldn't.

I mean, go to that skateboard competition.

Teach me a lesson.

Be my role model.

Save it; Why should I
believe anything you tell me?

Because...

you said it was the best
thing I ever did for you.

Well,

sometimes I say things I don't mean.

You should know what that's like.

Lilly, please, give me one minute.

Well, here she is, the new Magic Glow Skin Girl,

Miss Can't Even Have One Little Blemish,

no matter how many awards I'd win if she did.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Montana.

Thank you. It's a real honor
to be the spokesperson

for Magic Glow Skin Cleanser.

But if there's one thing I've learned
throughout this entire experience,

it's that nobody's perfect, even celebrities.

You look pretty perfect up there.

Yeah, but sometimes I look like this.

Whoa.

I didn't want people seeing
me this way, but I was wrong.

Looks aren't everything.

I'm not gonna say that they don't matter,

but there's stuff that matters more.

And if you let a zit, or let, say...

dorky glasses

stop you from living your
life, you're gonna regret it.

You really will.

So, take your pictures!

Let the world see that even
Hannah Montana gets zits,

and I'm okay with it.

[CROW CAWING]

But this, I ain't so crazy about.

You know, for a cowboy, you're kind of cute.

-Just walk away, sister.
-Okay.

[WHISTLING-♪]

Well, I'll be danged.

The boy was right.

That pots and pans cycle
really does get my clothes whiter.

I told you.

And as soon as my stuff is
done, the dryer's all yours.