01x06 - Grandmas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Play Favorites

[bunniefuu]

Honey, you're not actually
meeting the Queen until Sunday.

-You look fine.
-Yeah, you're right.

But you don't.

Okay, darling, that may
work for the Backstreet Boys,

but not quite my style.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Now, Ms. Montana,

prior to your performance on Sunday

for the Queen's granddaughter,

you will be introduced to her Royal Majesty.

♫ I'm gonna meet the Queen, whoo! ♪

♪ I'm gonna meet the Queen, whoo! ♫

♪ Not if you do that, whoo! ♪

Now, when cued, what
you will do is the following.

Right foot behind left heel,
knees bent, curtsy and say,

"Hello, Your Majesty."

[BRITISH ACCENT] 'Hello, Your Majesty'.

-No, no, no. Lower.
-[DEEP VOICE] Hello, Your Majesty.

No, I meant get lower.

Oh.

[BASS VOICE] Hello, Your Majesty.

I'm talking about the curtsy!

[Cell phone ringing-♪]

Hello? Hey, Ma.

Yeah, look, we're right in the middle of
rehearsing to meet the Queen. Can I...

No, no, no, no. Not Latifah.

Hey, Simon, when I met that
Queen, all I had to rehearse was,

"What's up, girlfriend!?"

You get it?

Yes, unfortunately I did.

Ma, I'm talking about the Queen of England.

Yeah. Look, I'm kind of
busy right now so can we...

Yes, I know she didn't birth me.

Mamaw means well,

it's just when things don't
go just the way she likes them,

she can be a royal pain.

The Queen's granddaughter

would like her pony groomed
and brought to her room.

Trust me, there's no royal
pain like the royal pain.

Gwendolyn, I'll be needing a bucket
of sudsies and my pony sponge.

He thinks he's got problems.

Your Mamaw says she's flying in from Tennessee.

She's in a cab on the way to the house right now.

Dad, don't panic.

We only left Jackson home alone for an hour.

How much damage could he do?

We gotta move.

Egg rolls, pizza, taquitos!

I leave you at home alone
for an hour and come back

and this place has turned into
the International House of Leftovers.

Take it easy, Dad. It's just Mamaw.

Just Mamaw?

You're talking about the woman that gave me life,

and who never lets me forget it.

But this time I'm not giving
her anything to complain about.

-Now get rid of this.
-I'm on it.

Hey, hey.

Hello, people!

Mamaw's cab just came up. It's Mamaw time!

[ROBBIE SIGHS]
Fasten your seat belts.

[Mamaw:] Tip? You want a tip?

If you are not gonna use deodorant,

make sure your back window's rolled down.

[CAB DOOR CLOSES]
[CAB PULLS AWAY]

Well, at least she's in a good mood.

Now, you all just sit here and act
like you're two perfect little angels

who always listen to their father.

Just pretend!

-What is this doing here?
-I lost the remote.

I needed something to change the channels with.

Ow!

Hey, give me that! Cut it out. Give...

Ow, ow!

Fighting over a loaf of bread?

Robbie Ray Stewart, don't
you feed these children?

It's a good thing I got a
purse full of hard candies!

-Mamaw!
-Mamaw!

Hey, Mom, it's so good to see you.

Oh, it's good to see you, too, sweetie pie.

Hey, by the way, you got a loose step outside.

If we weren't blood, I would sue you!

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

What do you think, Ma?

Your baby boy's got himself
a beach house in Malibu.

Well, my, I should say, you
sure are living high on the hog.

Quite a few hogs by the looks of it.

So, how long you say you're staying?

Oh, now, don't you worry, sweetie.
I'm only here for the weekend.

You can go back to taking food out
of your children's mouths on Monday.

Well, this is great, Mamaw.

Now you get to come with us to meet the Queen.

Well, that sounds like fun, sweetie.

Yeah, and I get to perform my new song for her...

But the real reason that I am here
is because Jackson has made it

into the finals of a big
L.A. Volleyball Tournament.

Oh, yeah!

That reminds me, I have got something for you.

I have never been so proud
of a grandchild in my whole life.

Did I mention I was meeting the Queen?

Now don't worry about it, baby doll.

Mamaw's gonna have time to do both.

Queen's in the morning and
the tournament's not till afternoon.

But, Daddy, she's doing it again.

Every time she comes,

she treats Jackson like he's
an angel and I'm invisible.

Robbie Ray, put that down!
How big do you wanna get?

Trust me, honey.

Sometimes being invisible has its advantages.

Now, way back in '64,

when this old bag of bones was
on the Olympic volleyball team,

I wore my lucky wristband.

Oh, this is so cool!

Thanks, Mamaw.

Wow, that's so great of you to bring
something so special for Jackson.

Oh, well, you don't think I forgot
about you now, do you, sweetie?

Let me see. What have I got in here for you?

Well, I know how much you love music,

so I brought you airplane headphones!

Wow! I don't know what to say.

You might wanna disinfect those.

I took them off the old guy
that was sitting next to me.

You can make a candle with
the earwax on those things.

A twofer.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING-♫]

Come on, you gotta do better than that

if you're gonna be a volleyball champion.

Your Mamaw can do better!

Heck, your Mamaw is doing better!

[Groaning]

Cramp in the leg. Cramp in
the leg. Oh, I'm going down.

Jackson! Oh, come on now, get up, baby.

If I stop now, at my age,

I'm gonna lock up like a yarn barn at 9:00.

Come on. I'll stretch you out.

[Groaning]

There you go.

Embrace the pain.

Yeah. You're gonna thank me for this later.

[Groaning]

Hey, Miley; I got your message.

Waxy airplane earphones? You're kidding, right?

With little gray hairs still stuck to them.

[Exclaims in disgust]

I don't understand, Lilly.
I'm always nice to her.

And I even complimented her orthopedic shoes.

Trust me, Lilly, those are Frankenboots.

Listen, Miley; I know you think
she might like Jackson more,

but that can't be true.

It is. It's like I don't exist and
she has him up on a pedestal.

-Oh, come on.
-No, you come on.

That's my little champion.

[Groaning]

I don't even think she wants to
come watch me perform for the Queen.

I don't know, Lilly. What do I do?

I have an idea! And it's so
simple, you're gonna love it!

-What?
-Dump Granny and take me.

No, she's going.

She's going if I have to tie her up like a deer

and strap her to the hood of my daddy's car.

[Oliver:] Topher sets for Jackson.
Jackson leaps and right into the net!

[spluttering]

What? If I'm gonna announce the
tournament, I need to practice, too.

If you're gonna announce for the
tournament, you'll need to be alive!

[RECORDED VOICE:] Ooh!

Jackson takes the set from Topher and...

[m*ssile WHISTLING THROUGH AIR]

[expl*si*n]

Oliver;

Do you have the sound of a
truck running over a microphone?

-Nope, I don't have that one.
-You will if you push another button.

You, kiddo, you are doing great.
You just need a little more knee bend.

And you, sweetheart, you
either get your head into this game

or I'm gonna have a senior
moment all over your keister.

Uh...

I'm sorry for screwing up. Uh,
I guess I'm just a little nervous.

Well, you're supposed to
be. But you are a Stewart.

And Stewarts do not lose.
Now, you want this, don't you?

-I do.
-Of course you do.

So, stop your moping!

[BABY WAILING]

[Clears throat] Finger slipped.

My bad.

Come on. I'm gonna set for you.

Okay, bend those knees.

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

[Dramatic music playing-♫] ♫

One, two, three, four.

[♫] The other side, the other side

♪ [GUITAR STRUMMING] ♪

♪ The other side of me ♪

♪ The other side, the other ♪
♪ side The other side of me ♪

Yeah.

That was great, honey.

For heaven's sake, that
woman is over three hours late.

Who does she think she is, the Queen of England?

Well, it's still no excuse!

She's right, I got the biggest
match of my life in an hour.

I shouldn't even be here!

Don't worry, Son, it's all gonna work out.

When? I'm starting to tighten up.

Not good. You want me to stretch you out again?

[STAMMERS] No! I'm fine!

Excuse me, but the Queen has
been delayed at the State Fair

where her granddaughter washed
down chili cheese fries with a grape slushy,

producing a royal and colorful upchuck.

Oh, for heaven's sake, just
hose her off and get her over here!

I think what my mom's trying to say
is we got another commitment, so...

Oh, not a problem. I'll just tell the Queen

you stood her up for a monster truck jamboree.

You think if there was a monster truck jamboree

anywhere within spitting distance
of this place, we'd be here?

Daddy!

I guess we'll just wait.

Duh.

Well, this is crazy. We can't wait!

Yo, Hamlet! You get your Queen on the horn, ASAP!

Ma! Get back here, Ma!

You cannot give a grown man a wedgie!

She's gonna insult the Queen
and ruin my command performance

all because of her little Jackson.

-It's always about you.
-Me? It's never about me!

Everything in this family revolves around you!

-What are you talking about?
-If it's not the Queen, it's a concert.

If it's not a concert, it's a CD signing.

I mean, face it, no matter how
important something is to me,

it always comes in second to Hannah Montana.

Come on, Jackson. You know that's not true.

Yes, it is.

-Where are you going?
-To my volleyball match.

Something that's important to me!

Tell the Queen I said [BRITISH ACCENT] Hello!

For heaven's sake, Robbie
Ray, I wasn't gonna hit him.

I just wanted to give him a
little Tennessee talking to.

Yeah, last time you gave someone
a little Tennessee talking to,

the air marshal made him land the plane.

Ask for an extra bag of peanuts

and all of a sudden you are
a thr*at to national security.

Where is Jackson?

He left for his volleyball tournament,
so I suppose you wanna go now, too.

Well, if I don't, who will?

I don't see either one of
you heading for the door.

Ma, you don't think we wanna be there for him?

Of course we do!

But we're kind of caught between
the Queen and a hard place, here.

And so once again, Jackson
gets the short end of the stick.

-Mom, that's not fair.
-It is too fair!

Now, I know you both love him,

but you're so busy taking care of Hannah Montana,

you're letting poor Jackson
Stewart fall through the cracks!

Mamaw, you're so busy with Jackson

you're letting me fall through the cracks.

-Oh, Miley, sweetie.
-Just forget it.

No, hold up. I need to do this.

Miley, sweetie.

I am sorry if I made you think that I don't care.

But the truth is, I love you very much

and I am so proud of everything that you do.

Really?

You've never said that to me before.

Well, I guess I'm so busy making
sure that Jackson gets some attention,

there wasn't enough left for you.

Mamaw, do you know how that makes me feel?

-Kind of invisible?
-Yeah.

Maybe that's the way your
brother feels all the time.

Really? He never said anything.

What's he gonna say, sweetie?

"Don't be Hannah Montana"?

He wouldn't be a very good
brother if he said that now, would he?

No, I guess not.

And I guess I wouldn't be a very
good sister if I made you stay here.

Go, we'll catch up with you later.

I love you, kiddo. You rock that Queen's world.

I cannot wait to hear all about it.

Thanks, Mom.

It's nice to see the soft
side of you once in a while.

I appreciate that, baby boy.

And you stay away from that dessert table

or all of your sides are gonna be soft.

I was a chubby child.
She could never let that go.

I feel awful, Daddy.

We're gonna miss Jackson all because of me.

It's not your fault. There's nothing you can do,

unless you know some way to speed up time.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC-♫]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Queen.

Sweet mercy, that woman
makes a snail look like a cheetah.

-You ready, darling?
-Let's pick it up, Daddy!

Excuse me, partner, I'll take it from here.

Oh, this can't be good.

Yee-ha!

[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪-♪-♪

Walk and wave and bow and greet.

Now, come on, Queenie, move them feet!

Look at your guests, give them a smile.

Get the lead out, move down the aisle!

Now swing that girl, give her a push.

There's your seat, now plant that tush!

The Queen, ladies and gentlemen!

Okay, hit it, Robbie Ray!

♪ [♫] By day, I play the part in every way ♪

♪ Yadda, yadda, yadda, sing, sing, sing ♪

♪ The other side, the other ♪
♪ side I want you to see, oh! ♪

♪ The other side, the other ♪
♪ side The other side of me ♪

Yeah!

Guitar solo!

[PLUCKS SINGLE CHORD]
♪

[whoops] Robbie Ray, ladies and gentlemen!

You've been a beautiful audience.
Pip-pip, tah-tah, cheerio, good night!

Simon, have we just been punked?

There is my future champion. What are you doing?

-I have to forfeit.
-What?

-Topher called, he's got the flu.
-Well, that's no excuse.

Heck, during the Olympic
qualifiers, I got food poisoning.

I blew chunks all over the court.

The other team was sliding all over the place.

We won in a landslide.

Forget it, Mamaw. He's not coming.

Can you believe it? I think
I could have won this thing.

And now I don't even get the chance to try.

Oh, yes, you do, young man.

I did not fly all the way out here from Tennessee

just to watch you throw in the towel.

-But I don't have a partner.
-You mean you didn't have a partner.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we
have a last-minute substitution.

Jackson Stewart will now
be playing with the woman

who puts the "Ruth" in "ruthless."

[FANFARE] ♫

[Oliver:] Slamming Mamaw Stewart.

You're kidding, right?

Well, I just didn't want my
grandson to have to forfeit.

So I would appreciate it if
y'all would go easy on us.

Sure. No problem.

Jackson serves the ball.

It's returned over the net.

Jackson sets to Ruth.

[ROARS]

She spikes it home!

[MAMAW cheering]

Hey, hey, hey. What was that?

Well, I didn't say we were
going easy on you, slick!

All right! Bring it on, Grandma!

Oh, it's on. It's on. It's on like mud on a pig.

[crowd cheering]

We made it! Come on, there's some seats.

Hey, y'all, what's the score?

If Jackson scores the next point, they win.

Oh, my gosh! You're Hannah Montana!

Lilly, you've known this for
months. Hello, get over it!

No, I mean you're Hannah Montana now!

Oh, no, this is supposed
to be Jackson's big moment.

Hannah Montana can't spoil it.

Start crawling, we'll get you to the stands.

This is it. Jackson Stewart serving for the gold.

This is, without a doubt,

the most important serve of young Stewart's life.

If he blows this...

[MICROPHONE DISTORTS AND DIES]

Son, you sound a whole lot
better when no one can hear you.

All right, sweetie, this
is it. Just like in practice.

Relax, the crowd is here for you.

Everybody is here for you.
[APPLAUSE]

Not everybody.

Look again.

[SPECTATORS cheering]

Way to go, Jackson!

[BANGS]

Ow!

-Hey, look! It's Hannah Montana!
-No, it's not!

-She's under the stands!
-No, I'm not!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Way to go, Son. I better go check your sister.

Clear the way!

Clear out!

Amazing!

Even when I win, it's still about Hannah Montana.

No, it is not.

This is all about you, sweetie. You won.

And nobody can take that away from you.

Now give me my trophy.

I'm just kidding you.

Jackson; I got something I
want to say to you and when I do,

I don't want this caterpillar on my lip.

-I'm proud of you, Son.
-Thanks.

Well, why don't I give you two some time?

Besides, your grandma's in the car alone

and sooner or later she's
gonna sniff out those pork rinds

I got hid under the seat.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to mess this up for you.

It seems Hannah Montana does that a lot.

-It's okay.
-No, it's not.

I wouldn't blame you if you hated me.

I don't hate you, Miley.

Okay, sure I'd like a little
more attention sometimes,

but at the end of the day, I like who I am,

and that's all that really counts.

So you're not mad about today?

My sister and my dad blew
off the Queen of England

just to watch me play volleyball.

How could I be mad at that?

I think this is the nicest
conversation we've ever had.

I know.

And if you tell anybody about it, I'll deny it.

-What conversation?
-That's my little sis.

Coming through!

Give me back my pork rinds, Ma!

If you'd quit eating all this fried garbage,

maybe you could catch me!

You know, I do give Robbie Ray a hard time,

but the truth is, he is doing a great job.

So, you ready to go down like a rodeo clown?

Bring it on, sister!

[RODEO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Somebody ain't gonna be happy when they lose.

Please, Lord, let it be the Queen.

Who's gonna save the Queen now?

♪ ♪ ♪

Don't hate the player; Hate the game.