Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

- f*ckers online telling

me always on the internet,

"Matt Rife ain't about this.

"Matt ain't about that.

"Matt just a pretty boy.

"He don't got jokes.

"He not even funny to me."

Shut the f*ck up!

Y'all n*gg*s ain't know shit!

All y'all m*therf*ckers talk about is,

"Matt Rife don't sell tickets.

"Matt a f*ck boy.

"Matt ain't funny."

Shut the f*ck up!

Y'all n*gg*s don't be with that n*gga!

Y'all don't see the work he put in,

blowing up on TikTok and shit.

n*gga been doing standup since

f*cking I don't know when!

m*therf*ckers need to stop

playing with him like that.

That n*gga is savage out here.

If I catch another

m*therf*cker talking sweet

about Matt Rife, I'm

f*cking beating they ass!

I'm not f*cking playing no more.

You know that n*gga's Steve's grandson.

- Oh my god.

Austin, what the f*ck is up?

How is everybody? Good?

Let's go.

Oh my god.

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

This is so cool.

It means the absolute world.

Thank you, guys.

Just checking y'all out.

This is fun. This is good.

Gay?

One for one, baby.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Oh!

It's the energy I was looking for.

Thank goodness, man.

Oh my god, thank you so

much for coming out twice.

I appreciate that.

It's very brave. Very brave.

I'm gonna be honest with you,

I wish my entire crowd

was gay men, to be honest.

Dude, it's just an energy

you want to be around.

You know what I mean?

Dude, I've never met a

gay dude in a bad mood.

Not once.

Dude, I have been so

jealous of gay men lately.

You have no idea.

That's what I'm talking about, man.

I've been so jealous, man.

Oh god, it just looks like a

good time going on over there.

I wish I was gay for the

fitness and the fashion alone.

Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm straight, but

I'd love to be in gay shape.

You know what I mean?

You ever meet a gay dude?

They're in great shape

every f*cking time, man.

It's so impressive.

Gay dudes stay in the gym.

That's the guy's name, Jim.

They just stay in there.

They just turning it out,

burning the calories, dog.

It's dedication.

You better respect it.

That's next level fitness, bro.

That's that level of in shape

that like you could fight

off another grown man

if you wanted to, you know?

That's up to you.

You put in the work top or bottom.

That's you, dog. That's your prerogative.

God, and if they're not f*cking...

If they're not f*cking shredded,

they f*cking dress impeccably.

You guys look fantastic.

Oh my god, I don't know

if you guys know this,

but gay men have a stranglehold

on the fashion game.

They are k*lling shit.

Bro, nobody in this world

dresses better than gay men.

You better respect it.

It's pretty impressive.

I mean, you spend enough

time in the closet,

you bound to find something, you know?

Boots.

Love it.

Oh man.

Exhausted, man.

We've been traveling a lot this year.

It's been very exciting.

It's one of the most

fun parts about the job.

Obviously it's a little taxing as well.

I got a chance to go home recently.

I'm originally from Ohio.

I don't know if anybody's

ever made that mistake.

I never go home.

I left 10 years ago

right after high school.

And that's about it, man.

I go home maybe once or twice a year.

I'll go home for Christmas

or something like that.

You know, I'll go home for the holidays.

I don't mind that as much,

'cause whenever I go home for Christmas,

I stay with my grandpa, and

I love my grandpa to death.

He's probably the closest

person to me in my family.

And I love staying with him

'cause whenever I'm not there,

he lives by himself.

And my grandpa's lived

alone for like 15 years.

Been single 15 years.

Hasn't been on a date in 15 years.

Yeah, as you can imagine.

Carpal tunnel's on its way.

And because he's lived alone for so long,

he's kind of become this like

crotchety, grumpy old man.

He doesn't like anything or anybody.

He just complains all day long.

You all know an old person like this.

He's always the hardest person to shop for

for Christmas every year.

So two years ago, it's

mid-December, right?

I'm at my place in LA, I'm

getting ready to go home,

you know, finishing up

all my online shopping.

And it gets down to him every year.

I'm sitting there just racking my brain.

I'm like, "What the f*ck

do I get this dude?"

He doesn't like anything.

He doesn't like anybody.

He doesn't have anybody.

So I bought him a pocket p*ssy.

Normally I would be like,

"Does anybody not know

what a pocket p*ssy is?"

But this is 6th Street.

Y'all be f*cking banana peels

or whatever y'all can find out here.

Y'all in no position to

judge my family, okay?

Bro, I just wish y'all

could have been there

to see him open it on Christmas morning,

'cause we all thought

he was gonna be like,

"What the f*ck is this shit?"

But he was like, "Thank you."

"This is exactly what I needed."

I was like, "It's a fleshlight,

not a purple heart, dog.

"Relax, okay?

"Stop feeling so honored."

He loved it, man, so obviously

Christmas is a good time.

And then we fast forward a little bit.

Now we fast forward to

that following February,

and I hadn't spoken to my

grandpa since Christmas,

so I call him up.

"Hey, Steve.

"Steven, what's up, man?

"How you doing?

"I love you.

"I miss you.

"You know, Christmas was fun.

"It's always good to spend the

holidays with you, you know."

"How was it?"

And there was just a silence

on his end of the phone.

I was like, "Are you using it right now?

"Like, f*cking answer me, dog.

"Like, what's the review?

"You know, I'm interested."

He goes, "No, no, no, no, no, no."

He gets all defensive,

and I'll never forget these

words for as long as I live.

He goes, "No, no, no, no, no.

"I...

"I broke her neck."

There is so much to unpack

in that one sentence.

First of all, her?

You gave it a pronoun.

Now it's real.

Second, neck?

That's not even what it is.

And third, you broke it?

Dog, how hard are you going?

f*cking 15 years, you forget

how to be a gentleman?

So we laugh about it on the

phone for a couple of hours.

And now we fast forward to

the following Christmas.

This is last Christmas.

Again, same time of year going

home, finishing up shopping,

gets down to him.

So now I'm really struggling.

I'm like, "What the f*ck

do I get him this year?"

Like, how do I possibly top

what I did last year, you know?

Clearly he enjoyed it.

And now my man hasn't had

p*ssy since at least February.

So I doubled down.

Got him another one.

I got him two pocket pussies

two Christmases in a row.

I'm grandson of the decade, easily.

Well, you know, obviously I

was a little bit more aware

of what it was gonna be put

through this time around.

I had to find him one more durable, right?

You know, something with a stronger neck.

Now I'm out here trying to

find a pocket with traps.

Trying to find my Papaw a

trap queen for Christmas.

And I f*cking,

I couldn't find exactly

what I was looking for.

I was so mad.

And then I think I found

the next best thing.

I found this other pocket p*ssy

that I've never seen anything

like it, it was remarkable.

It came with, it was like so souped up.

It came with all these like

attachments and pieces.

It was like a Swiss army p*ssy.

It had a compass and a can opener.

And it doubles as a canteen

if you're lost in the woods, I guess.

But by far the best attachment

this thing came with

was that like if you, if you...

Let's say you f*ck this side of it, right?

Like, this is the entrance.

This side of it is a suction cup.

The idea being, you can f*cking...

Put it to walls and shit if

you need to, I don't know,

switch positions, work your legs,

you know, whatever it is you

feel like you needed added

to your repertoire, you know?

And I got it for him thinking

like, oh, this is so creative.

You know what I mean?

Now my man's got free roam in the house.

You know, he's not bed bound,

beating his d*ck like a pilgrim.

He's got options.

You know what I mean?

So I was excited for him,

but now I'm f*cking terrified

to go home this Christmas.

And there's just gonna be

chunks of drywall missing

all around the house waist level.

Doing a bit of remodeling, are we?

His house looks like a mid demo project.

Like, g*dd*mn, Papaw,

you literally f*cked from

the window to the wall.

Got your d*ck sucked down the hall.

Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve,

Steve, Steve, Steve.

He's disgusting.

But he is funny, man.

He's very funny.

I called him about a month ago,

and I told him I was gonna start

telling this story on stage

'cause it's 100% true

and I think the world should know that.

And he's got such a good

sense of humor, man.

He was joking with me back.

He was like, "You keep

telling people that story,

"I'm gonna leave it to you in my will."

Which I think would be f*cking hilarious.

I told him, I was like,

"Yo, you should do that,

"'cause I'll f*cking,

I'll put your ashes in it,

"name it Ashley, and then I'll f*ck it."

Just kind of keep it in the

family, you know what I mean?

Just from generation to generation,

just so he can meet his

great grandkids, you know?

Guys, it's called cream-ation.

Grow up.

Grow up.

- You nasty!

- It's not your grandpa.

Yeah, my grandpa's funny, man.

You guys would like him.

You can judge him if you want to.

At least he got somebody.

It's hard to find your person, isn't it?

Dating's hard.

It's a very cliche topic.

Every comedian talks

about how hard dating is,

but it's a relatable subject.

Something everybody

goes through, you know?

It definitely gets harder

depending on where you live too.

Like I said, I live in LA now.

It's the f*cking worst, bro.

There's no good people.

Bunch of f*cking heathens running around.

Nobody's going to heaven.

Not one person.

City of Angels. No angels.

It's depressing, man.

It's so depressing getting

let down every time.

Like, I just expect it at this point.

Every first date I go on,

as soon as I sit down,

I'm like, "All right, b*tch, what is it?

"Ask me.

"Ask me what my sign is, I dare you.

"I'll split this check so

f*cking fast, I swear to God.

"Oh, you're a Pisces?

"Awesome.

"Yeah, charge it to her crystals.

"They were in the moon

all night last night.

"So clearly they're juiced up."

I'm so f*cking tired of

hearing about astrology,

I swear to God.

It's all y'all care about.

I've stopped sending d*ck pics

and just started sending my

star chart, to be honest.

It's getting me so much further.

So much further.

I hate it so much, man.

I have so many red flags now, bro.

And no patience.

That's the main thing.

It's like, I've been

let down so many times

that like, now, if I see something

that triggers a red flag in me, I'm gone.

I'm not gonna wait around

to be inevitably let down.

You know what I mean?

It's a waste of time.

And I've got so many red

flags that there's some

that I want to get off my chest.

And I think maybe we'll

find some common ground,

and maybe you'll think I'm crazy,

but I think it's worth finding out.

And we'll start slow.

We're easing our way into it.

We're gonna start with

red flag number one.

And just a disclaimer,

this one is not gonna be the funniest one,

but I do think it's gonna resonate

with the most amount of people here.

Red flag number one is when she-

That b*tch.

That b*tch is red flag number one.

That is red flag number one.

Girls who don't drink enough water.

That's what it is.

Red flag number one is when

she has another guy in her life

who is consistently

trying to sleep with her

and she refuses to acknowledge this.

This is good.

This is gonna cause a lot of

fights in the car ride home.

This is my favorite one.

You clapping hard as f*ck.

You had an argument recently.

- I'm good!

- Like I said, this

isn't the funniest one,

but you better believe every dude in here

in a relationship right now

knows the guy in his girl's life

that he's like, "f*ck that dude.

"I'll k*ll him tomorrow."

It's so obvious to us, right?

As the boyfriend, this

shit is clear as day,

we can spot it from a mile away.

Usually the beginning of the

relationship, we'll clock it,

we'll pull you aside.

"Hey babe, I know you

hang out with so-and-so,

"and that's fine.

"You're a grown woman.

"You can do whatever you want.

"I'm not controlling or anything,

"but just so you know, that

dude's trying to f*ck you."

And women will always have

the exact same naive reaction.

"Babe, come on.

"Are you serious?

"Him?

"You're worried about him?

"He's literally like my best friend.

"Like, he's literally

like a brother to me."

Word?

Oh, that's your brother?

Oh, I didn't realize

what kind of PornHub family

tree you were associated with,

but shut it down, okay?

He's not your friend,

he's not your brother.

He wants to enter your body holes.

End of story, okay?

Ladies, you have to understand,

the reason we are so passionate

about bringing this to your attention

is not because we think you're stupid.

It's not because we don't trust you.

It's that you're being taken advantage of.

You're hanging out with somebody

who's lying about their intention

so they can weasel their

way into your life.

And that's not a real friend.

That's some shady shit to do.

So we're just trying

to point out something

that's happening under your nose,

so hopefully you can be aware

of it and put a stop to it.

I promise you, we are coming

at it with good intentions,

and you still wanna get mad at us

and act like we're the crazy

ones making this shit up.

"Oh, that is so ridiculous.

"Why would a guy go

through all that trouble

"and pretend to be my friend

just to sleep with me?"

I don't know.

But I've done it so many times.

I've done it so many times.

How do you think I got you, stupid?

Come on.

Oh my god.

Nobody has been a better friend than me.

Are you kidding me?

That's why dudes can spot the shit

'cause f*cking game recognize game.

You know what I mean?

He'll do some shady shit,

and we're like f*cking,

"Good move.

"That's some shit I

would've done, you know?"

"f*ck you, but respect."

He is not your friend, ladies.

And if you really do treat

him like your best friend,

oh, that's so much worse.

'Cause if you treat him

like your best friend,

that means you have gone to

him with all of your secrets,

all of your problems.

He knows everything you like,

everything you don't like.

You've probably complained to him

about everything your

boyfriend does wrong.

So now this m*therf*cker has

all the infinity stones...

To become the perfect guy for you.

So when you and your

boyfriend finally break up,

who do you go running to?

Me.

And I've been waiting

for this moment, boy.

Weeks, months, maybe years.

I've been waiting for this

exact opportunity, bro.

I've been putting in work too.

I've been sending you

memes in the morning.

I've been texting you,

"How's your day going?"

I don't give a f*ck about your day.

Are you stupid?

It's my day.

I care about my day.

Come on, man.

It's about patience.

All I've had to do is play it cool

and stay in the game long enough

and wait for the day that

you come banging on my door,

crying your eyes out.

And I just have to play stupid.

Like...

"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Hey, hey, hey.

"Why are you crying?"

"He said he doesn't trust me?

"That's crazy.

"Y'all broke up?

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.

"Some dudes are so insecure.

"Oh my god."

He's not your f*cking friend!

Stop falling for his shit, ladies.

I'm trying to tell you.

- Preach!

Preach!

Oh my god!

- Shut up.

Now I understand this is

the part of the red flag

that I'm sure a lot of

the women in the audience

are thinking, "Well, Matt,

what about the reverse?

"How about when a guy has a girl friend?

"What about that?"

And I hear you.

Look, ladies, you can be,

look, a guy can have a

girl that is just a friend.

No, listen, listen, listen, listen.

Listen.

I'll wait.

You as a girl can be

just a friend to a guy,

but it means

ya ugly.

I'm sorry.

I know you don't wanna hear it,

but you just a homie with a ponytail.

I don't know what else to tell you, man.

Men and women can be just friends,

but one of y'all f*cking busted, okay?

Somebody ugly, or maybe both.

Maybe both of you are ugly,

in which case y'all

should be f*cking anyways!

That's why it's called bumping uglies.

Like I said, that's not the funniest one,

but you got some thinking to do.

Oh man.

Red flag number two.

Red flag number two.

She cannot have any

distinct physical features.

I'll explain.

Nobody feel targeted.

And before you get mad at me,

I'm not even the shallow one

in this red flag, by the way.

It's my f*cking friends

because all of my friends are Black,

and they will roast you

within an inch of your life

if you have anything

prominent about your face

that stands out at all.

They have cost me so many

potential relationships.

I was seeing this girl last summer.

I thought maybe she was the one, man.

She was f*cking beautiful.

She was smart, funny,

didn't know her dad.

She was new to town.

She was new to town.

She just moved to LA from

Austin a couple months

before I met her.

Like, very sweet, innocent girl, right?

We were hanging out for a while.

We went on a handful of dates.

And everything was going great

until like just a couple of dates in.

I was hanging out with a

bunch of my friends of mine

who I hadn't seen in a while.

So, you know, we're

hanging out, catching up,

and they're grilling me about, you know,

what's going on, what's

new, you seeing anybody?

And I was.

I was so proud and excited

to be seeing this new girl.

So, you know, I broke out her Instagram.

I was like that's her.

And my friends immediately were like,

"Oh!"

Which is Black for, "I'm

about to hurt your feelings."

They roasted this poor

girl for like 90 minutes.

Did I laugh? Yeah.

But f*ck those dudes.

I'm not gonna stop hanging out

with her over it, you know?

I didn't.

We kept hanging out.

We went on a few more dates,

until our last date, man.

We were at dinner, and she

just laid it out there.

She was like, "You know what, Matt?

"I'm having a really nice time with you.

"And I think it's time

we take this relationship

"to the next level,

"and we need to start

incorporating our friends

"into our hangouts.

"You know, I need to meet your friends.

"You need to meet my friends.

"We'll all hang out together.

"See if our friend groups

get along, you know?"

And I was like...

"Why?

"You know, why are you

trying to rush things?

"You know, I'm having such a

good time getting to know you.

"You know?"

She's like, "No, it's important

that our friends get along."

And I was like, "No, I hear you."

"I don't think it's such a good idea."

And she started to get really upset.

She was like, "And why not?"

And I was like, "Because...

"Because we have the same chin."

She was like, "What?"

I was like, "You have like a

cleft chin like how I have.

"It's very strong.

"It is a very masculine facial feature.

"And like I think it's cute obviously."

"But not everybody does."

She was like, "What

are you trying to say?"

I was like, "My friends

are going to roast you.

"They're gonna make fun

of the way you look.

"I'm sorry.

"It's just how they are."

She goes, "Oh, that is so childish.

"Like, what are they gonna say?

"That I have like a butt chin?

"Ooh, so original.

"Like, I've heard it all before, babe."

And I was like,

"No, you haven't.

"I don't know how many

Black friends you have,

"but this is kind of what they do, okay?

"Do you know that they call

you the Texas Chinsaw m*ssacre?

"Did you know that?"

That was just off the top.

She was so offended!

She goes, "Oh, that is so rude.

"Is that all they know about

me is what I look like?"

I was like, "No, they know you

just moved here from Texas."

"To be a chin-fluencer, they said."

And now I miss her, man.

I know.

She was my little Chin-derella.

So stupid.

I appreciate you wearing your best shorts.

I know it's hot outside, but

like this is still an event.

You know what I mean?

He's like, "I know I'm

going to a comedy show,

"but just in case there's a trampoline."

Didn't even try.

You mowing the grass after this?

g*dd*mn, man.

Whatever. It's not your night.

You're right.

Pressure's on me.

Red flag number three.

Yeah, there's more.

Red flag number three.

A big red flag for me is if I

don't have anything in common,

like hobby-wise with somebody.

Like, it's such a necessary

relationship trait to have.

It's so easy to be physically

attracted to somebody.

Obviously, it's everyone's first instinct.

But I think if you want

longevity in a relationship,

you have to have that extra

layer of compatibility, right?

You have to wanna do

things together, I think.

So like a big red flag for me is like

if a girl doesn't go to the gym,

and that's just because it's

a very big part of my life.

I love going.

I go every day.

I'm a very big advocate of going

to the gym and working out.

And it's so good for your health.

Not just your physical, but

your mental health as well.

Gets your endorphins going.

Get some of that stress

relief out of you, you know?

But I do acknowledge that

it's not for everybody.

It's intimidating for some

people who don't go every day.

And I try to be cognizant of that.

And I try to help out the best I can.

Like, there may be some

people in here right now

or maybe watching at home

that want to get started

and just don't know how

to take that first step.

And if there is anybody out there,

I highly recommend the

program I just started

about six months ago that

changed my life forever.

And that program is where I only

work out with Black dudes.

Exclusively.

Because Black dudes will

push you to your limits

whether you want to or not.

I started about six months ago, man.

I was in the gym one day,

and I was having a bad day.

I was stressed about something.

I was angry about something.

And I was like, "Man, f*ck this.

"I'm gonna use this

negative as a positive.

"I'm gonna use this aggression.

"I'm gonna put up some weight."

And I was hitting a chest day.

So I was like, "f*ck it.

"I'm gonna hit a new

max on the bench press."

So I go in there, put the

lighter weights on first,

get loosened up, get warm, you know?

And then you gotta put

on the heavier stuff.

And when you do that,

you're supposed to have a...

- Spotter.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

spotter so you don't die.

And I didn't know anybody

in there at the time.

Closest person to me was the Black dude

at the bench next to me.

So I walked over, I was like,

"Hey man, would you mind spotting me

"for this set real quick?"

And he was like, "Yeah, I got you."

I was like, "I feel like you do."

"Everything about your voice is safe.

"I feel like I can lift the world now.

"Okay, come on."

So we go over to the bench together.

He gets behind the rack

in the spot position.

He's ready.

I lay down, and I'm

trying to psych myself up,

get in the zone.

Line up my hands, get a good grip.

And finally I just finally, I just ah,

I get it off the rack.

I get one rep in.

Oh, I get two reps in.

I get stuck on the third,

and my arms start shaking,

and he can see this.

So like any good spotter,

he has some words of encouragement.

I'm trying not to die.

And this man just gets in my ear...

And, "Do that shit!"

"Do that shit!

"It ain't nothing!"

I was like...

I said, "I don't know, man.

"I'm getting kind of tired."

He was like, "My people been tired!"

I was like, "g*dd*mn."

"I'm sorry!"

It was only like 255.

You add white guilt on top of that,

it's like 500 pounds, man.

I was like, "Is this

pre-workout or a history lesson?

"What are we doing, dog?"

I racked that shit up.

I was like, "I appreciate you, man.

"I was struggling at the end."

He was like, "You don't know struggle."

f*ck, man.

Can't have anything.

So that's my new routine

whenever somebody's like,

"You look good, Matt.

"You on a diet?"

I'm like, "Yeah, it's

called White Watchers.

"You should try it."

It's when Black people

watch white people struggle.

You will sweat. I promise you.

This is one of the whitest

crowds I've ever seen

in my entire life.

Bro, I'm uncomfortable.

Y'all are so white.

Is this a comedy show or a meeting?

g*dd*mn.

Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

Red flag number...

We could try something different.

This could be fun or it

could be a f*cking nightmare.

But I think we can have fun.

So the thing is I could

do red flags for hours.

And they could be funny.

We could all laugh, have

a guaranteed good time.

But who wants to do that?

And a lot of times I don't

like to do a lot of red flags

because it is very male to female.

You know, it's listing things

that men don't like about women,

and I don't want that to be

unfair, one-sided, or sexist.

So to even it out sometimes

I'm genuinely curious,

like for the women in the audience,

what might be some red flags

for a guy if you go on a date

with him and he says or does this

that makes you kind of be

like, "Ooh, I don't know."

Hold on, I'm gonna go balcony.

I'm gonna go balcony.

What is it?

Is it a good one?

- Splitting the check!

- Splitting the check.

Okay.

Splitting the check.

On a first date?

- On

a first date, he asked.

- He asked?

In the beginning of the date?

- Middle of the date.

- Towards the middle?

Oh, you were boring.

In the middle.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah, two checks.

Two checks would be great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So where'd you say you were from?

How recently was this?

- sh**t.

Five months ago.

- Five months ago.

Okay, and you're still upset.

Hold on.

Where did you go to eat?

- The Gin, in Temple.

- What is it?

- The Gin in Temple.

- The Gin in Temple. What is that?

- Garbage!

- Garbage!

- Rude.

What kinda restaurant is that?

- I mean, they have catfish,

steak, like whatever.

- You had catfish and steak?

- It's like a roadhouse.

- It's like a roadhouse.

An expensive roadhouse.

Okay.

Well, yeah, I mean maybe...

Did you like him?

Until that moment, did you like him?

- No.

- I'm curious. I'm curious.

Until he asked to split the check,

were you like, "This is going good"?

- Yes, yes.

- You were?

Uck.

Oh my god.

Let me ask, did you sleep with him?

- Yes.

- Wow!

Oh my god.

He split you and the check in one night.

Oh my god.

Did he leave a big tip?

- He was sweating when we did it,

and that was the last time.

- That was an unnecessary detail.

What'd you say?

- I said he was sweaty when we did it,

and that was the last time.

- He was sweaty after.

Yeah, my man was putting in work.

That's good,

I would think.

Well...

I'm sorry you got half of a meal.

All right, well, one for one.

What's another fun one?

Do you have a fun one?

What is it?

- He says he's taking hormone therapy,

but now he's huge and does steroids.

- Ooh.

This is gonna get cancelable.

Let's do it!

When he says he's on hormone therapy,

but he's just f*cking jacked?

So hormone therapy, what's

that supposed to do?

Balance it out, basically?

- Yeah, something like that.

- So what?

He says he has too much

like natural testosterone?

- No, he doesn't have enough.

- He doesn't have enough?

Okay, how long have you

been seeing this man?

- Oh, 30, 25 years.

- 25 years?

What? Where'd you meet him?

You met him when you guys were kids.

So he tells you he's

going on hormone therapy

to get more testosterone.

But you think he's on steroids?

- Oh, I know so.

- You know so?

Did you find them?

- Yes.

- Could you get me some?

I'm trying to get in gay shape, dog.

Let's go.

I'm taking all the shortcuts.

You did find some?

Was it a needle or a pill?

- I think he is in gay shape.

- She said she thinks he is in gay shape.

The plot thickens.

Oh my god.

This is the bigger red flag now.

He has his workout buddies?

Do you have a picture of him?

I wanna see what his

gaydar says about, oh f*ck!

g*dd*mn it!

The phones are locked up.

g*dd*mn.

Your phone is in a hormone blocker.

g*dd*mn it.

Okay, after the show, I want to see this.

Yeah, that's a valid red flag.

You don't want somebody

who's lying about an

obvious appearance thing.

Like, if you're clearly on steroids,

just own up to this shit.

It's fine.

It's fine to do it.

If that's the body you want

and the life you wanna live,

you can f*cking do that.

It's fine.

As long as you can still

get your d*ck up, you fine.

He can't?

Then it's not okay.

Stop what you're doing immediately.

Stop seeing him.

Okay.

- Let's unlock her phone.

- Can we unlock your phone?

- We're gonna do it right now.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Stay up front, Matt.

- Okay, okay.

Bro, what if it's just a picture of me?

Eric's like, "Unlock the phone,"

and I'm like, "Nah, we

don't gotta do all that.

"We don't gotta...

"Let's just take her word for it."

Oh my god, that's it?

That's what you unlock 'em with?

That f*cking flying saucer?

Can I?

May I see your phone?

There we go.

Pass it over.

Oh, this is great.

This better be worth it.

There we go.

Pass that back to her.

There we go.

I just gotta see a picture of this guy,

and then I wanna see what you think.

I wanna test this gaydar.

Let's go.

g*dd*mn!

Bro, he has the traps

that my grandpa's pocket

p*ssy wishes it had.

Oh my god.

Why is his neck so big?

Oh my god, this m*therf*cker

looks so unsure.

Okay, resident gay.

What are we thinking?

What are we thinking?

- Smash or pass?

- What is it?

- The pose.

- The pose? He's gay?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Any excuse to drink?

Go ahead.

No, this is good.

Whenever we out a gay,

an angel gets his wings.

This is good. This is good.

Everybody knows that.

You know what's f*cked up?

I've posed like that

before, so I was like...

"That's fine."

Okay.

Two for two.

Good. See?

All right, that was good.

We're gonna do one more for an even three.

I don't know if you could top that.

But what's a more fun one?

College baseball?

Oh man, you've been

fingered in a dorm for sure.

Okay, good.

Okay.

All righty.

Let's dive into this.

All right, all right,

so who went pro and

didn't take you with him?

Who was it?

All right, what is it

that you don't like about

college baseball players?

- Oh my gosh.

The ego.

It's the ego.

- The ego of playing a

collegiate sport at a high level?

He can't be proud about that?

- And thinkin' that he's the best one.

- The seventh pitcher on the team?

I love how you're clowning him for that,

but low-key, you f*cked the

seventh pitcher on the team.

Yo, your p*ssy is the bullpen.

Do you know that?

Strike one.

So it's just an ego thing?

That's the only thing

you don't like about it?

'Cause he could just be

proud to be playing a sport,

'cause I love playing high school sports.

I didn't get to play at a college level,

but I would've been very excited to.

- He's not just playing sports,

he's playing everyone in my friend group.

- Oh.

- I never f*cked him either.

I never f*cked him.

- You never f*cked him?

Damn, you couldn't even

f*ck the seventh pitcher

on the baseball team?

Damn.

Strike two.

Oh my god.

Where did you go to school?

- I didn't go to school.

- You didn't go to school?

You didn't go to college?

Strike three, b*tch.

You're outta here!

Oh my god.

That could not have went better.

That could not have went better.

Oh my god.

Have you tried little league?

- C'mon!

- For the love of the game.

Come on, guys.

Okay.

Well, that was fun.

It's a fun portion.

No more crowd work.

Nobody yell out.

Nobody else yell out anything.

That chapter's done.

That's fun. That's fun.

I like doing that portion of the show

'cause it's like

obviously I come out here,

I list all these red flags

and their standards that

I've set for myself.

But it's nice to know

where other people draw

the line, you know?

What are some other people's red flags?

Is it something that could apply to me?

You know, there's a lot of self-reflecting

that I think people need to do more often.

Use that time.

When you're single, if

you're single, use that time.

Do some self-reflection.

Think about the kinda shit you like.

I went through a horrible breakup

at the beginning of this last year,

and I thought it was such a low moment.

I was like, "This is

such a low in my life.

"Nothing positive was

gonna come out of this."

But I did some thinking,

and it made me realize

so much about myself.

Made me think about the

standards I wanted to set.

But it also made me think

about how much I f*cking hate

being single.

This shit is so trash.

It's so trash.

People overhype the f*ck outta

being single, don't they?

Especially the freedom aspect of it.

As soon as you're single again,

all your friends are like,

"Oh.

"You can go sleep with whoever you want."

No, you can't.

No, you can't.

You couldn't before.

Why could you now all of a sudden?

Also that's not even

like an appealing factor

of being single to me.

I don't like sleeping

with a bunch of different people anyways

'cause I don't like-

Yeah, it's not fun.

That's not fun, man.

I don't like inconsistent feedback.

Bro, my ego can't handle it, dog.

I'm too fickle, okay?

I need to know where I stand

sexually at all times, okay?

That's the best part of

any long-term relationship.

If you've been together long enough,

you probably have pretty

good sexual chemistry.

It's why you stuck around.

You like what they like,

they like what you like.

Meshes pretty well.

The relationship that I

ended earlier this year,

that was the best part about it.

We stayed together months

after we should have

just 'cause we had that sexual chemistry.

It's a hard spark to walk away from.

It's fun.

It makes you feel good about yourself.

You know, I was getting

my ego stroked daily.

Like, how the f*ck you

walk away from that?

It's so much fun.

I knew with this girl there

was like a certain position

I could put her in,

and if I hit her with like

the right move, just bow,

then like she couldn't handle that.

Like, it was too much d*ck for her.

She was like, "Oh, my stomach."

And I'm like, "Shut up.

"Whatever.

"It is not in your stomach

with your shallow guts.

"Whatever."

I should call her.

f*ck, man.

Don't. Don't call the ex.

Don't do it.

Don't fall for it.

The sexual chemistry will make you ignore

all the other red flags,

the shit you should be

paying attention to.

Like, my ex and I, we had

great sexual chemistry,

but our communication

was f*cking terrible.

We could never talk anything out.

There was ever a point that I

needed to get across to her,

I would just have to like

finger her in morse code

or something.

Then the next day my boys were

like, "How'd the talk go?"

I'm like, "It was terrible.

"This b*tch just sat back

"and rolled her eyes at me the whole time.

"Luckily I can read lips."

Hate it.

But, you know, single again.

Back to the streets.

Now I just gotta

have sex with all these women.

I don't wanna do it.

I'd rather be in a

relationship personally,

but somebody had f*cking other plans.

And I want y'all to think

about that the next time you're

about to chastise a dude

for being a f*ck boy.

Like, "Oh, oh, you just a f*ck boy.

"You out here sleeping

with all these girls.

"You don't even want to

be in a relationship.

"You're just a f*ck boy."

Maybe he's not a f*ck boy.

Maybe

he's sad.

Maybe behind every f*ck boy is a man

who once loved too much.

Or maybe that's exactly

what a f*ck boy would say.

TBD.

But while I'm single,

I'm trying to use this

time to be self-reflective,

work on myself,

think about what are some

of the red flags I bring

to the table?

Is there something I could be working on?

And a major one, a major red flag for me

that's been brought to my attention

that I didn't realize was

as big of a deal as it is,

and it's, you know, in relation

to the climate we live in today.

And that red flag is that

apparently I'm not very

PC.

I'm not very politically correct.

Sorry, I don't know

if that term made it down here yet or not.

Y'all don't seem to give a f*ck.

And when I say that, I just mean like,

I'm not one of those people

who tries so f*cking hard

to like prove how woke,

what a good person I am,

'cause that shit comes

across as so disingenuine

and corny to me.

Like, you're clearly pandering so hard.

You can be a good person

without it being your

entire f*cking personality.

You know what I mean?

It's so exhausting, man.

As long as you know your

heart's in the right place,

you're doing the best that you can.

You don't need to prove yourself

on Twitter every f*cking day.

And obviously I'm

referencing the extremes.

These like woke internet warriors

or whatever you wanna call 'em,

these f*cking losers who

spend their whole life trying

to cancel people on the internet.

That shit pisses me off so much

because they're ruining a good agenda.

Cancel culture is not

necessarily a bad thing.

I get what they're trying to

do is eradicate negativity

in the world and get rid

of some bad toxic shit,

and we do need that.

But a lot of that gets lost in translation

when they carry it out

because they themselves

are such b*tches, dog.

Oh my god, bro.

And that drives me insane

because I'm on their side.

I hate the same shit they hate.

Off the top of my mind, I can think of

h*m*.

h*m* is a massive pet peeve of mine

because it doesn't f*cking affect you.

Who somebody else loves

has nothing to do with you.

And it is always the ugliest f*cking dude

who's the most h*m*, isn't it?

The most toothless m*therf*cker

from Corpus Christi.

To be on some, "I'm not

with that gay shit."

They're not with you either, bro.

Have you met a gay guy?

They're handsome.

They're in good shape.

They can f*ck your girl so fast, okay?

Be thankful they took a

competitor off the board.

I hate it so much, man.

They're such a pain in the ass.

And as you can imagine,

you all have the internet,

it makes our job incredibly difficult.

Nobody's allowed to joke

about anything anymore.

Everyone wants to complain

about every joke ever told.

And that's so frustrating

because I mean, you guys have

been here the whole show,

you know I have a pretty

f*cked up sense of humor.

Like, I love dark shit.

Like, the darker the better to me.

I love that so much.

Keep that same energy.

Like, I love f*cked up stuff.

But again, I'm okay making those jokes

because I know my heart's

in the right place.

And even though I acknowledge

that that sense of humor

isn't for everybody,

I'm okay with that

because I don't need to impress everybody.

The same way you wouldn't

try to be friends

with everybody, right?

You'll find your people

as your life progresses.

So it's like, yeah, I might get in trouble

or yeah, some people might not

like the jokes that I tell,

but I'm gonna tell the

jokes that I wanna tell,

and hopefully my audience

will gravitate towards that,

and we can all get along and

have a f*cking cool friendship,

you know?

It gets tricky sometimes.

I'll do jokes that a lot of

people wouldn't wanna tell

or don't wanna listen to sometimes.

Like, you know, sometimes I'll do jokes

about like trans people

'cause it's funny.

Sometimes.

Not in a disrespectful way.

It's never a disrespect.

I'm just making light of a situation,

so we can all laugh rather

than be touchy and upset.

That's all it is.

And this is what's so funny.

The energy in the room is

exactly what I'm talking about.

Subject matter is what triggers people.

I haven't even said the joke yet.

All I said was trans people,

and everybody in here got a tight assh*le.

Everybody.

Not you guys.

But everybody else.

Everybody else tightened the f*ck up.

This special is presented by poppers.

If you don't know what poppers are,

get you some gay friends,

change your life,

change your life.

But that's what I'm talking about.

All I did was say a trigger word,

and people are automatically

already uncomfortable.

You guys are worried about being canceled,

just being in the room.

Like, it's so funny to me.

'Cause the jokes that I tell,

they're never disrespectful.

They're always with the utmost respect.

I never wanna hurt anybody's feeling.

They're just some jokes,

just to say some goofy shit

and make the world laugh.

That's all.

And people will still come up to me

after the show saying the

same angry rant every time,

just f*cking, "You cannot

make jokes about trans people

"because what they're going

through is so incomparable

"and you can't imagine

how hard their life is

"and the shit that they

have to go through.

"Therefore, you can make

jokes about trans people."

And I hear you.

I hear you loud and clear.

But...

The point that you're trying

to make is you're saying,

I can't make jokes about somebody

because of how hard their life is.

And you are making very valid points

in that I don't know

how hard that life is.

I imagine it is tremendously

harder than my life.

I can't imagine how hard

that is to go through,

and I wish you the best of luck.

But...

At the same time, to retort that argument,

you also don't have

the hardest life.

You know who has life way

harder than trans people

that we never talk about?

People in wheelchairs.

Think about it.

Comparatively, people in wheelchairs

have a much harder life.

Do they complain about it?

No.

We gave 'em a couple of

ramps and kept it pushing.

Look, some people are gonna think

this is an insensitive comparison.

I think it's a step in the

right direction personally.

I think if we want to head

towards trans equality,

we f*cking start with

better parking, you know?

It's the least we could do,

it's the least we could do.

I don't know where we'd put 'em.

We can't assign them anything.

God.

Just joking, just joking.

Relax.

Hey, look, if you let it be,

this can be the most fun

part of the show, okay?

If you just have fun

for the next 15 minutes,

we're all gonna laugh at some things

that we don't think we're

allowed to laugh at.

Oh, oh, is it like a naughty thing

if I laugh at a joke at a comedy show?

Have fun, okay?

Do not get sensitive now.

Don't f*cking sit there

and feel like you need to

defend the wheelchair community.

They can f*cking stand

up for themselves, okay?

g*dd*mn it, you guys.

Stop being hesitant, okay?

Knock it off.

People in wheelchairs come

to comedy shows all the time.

It is incredibly common.

And you know what?

They are some of the best audience members

you could ever ask for.

They come, they laugh their asses off.

And I'll tell you the reason

I believe that to be true.

And it's because I think

they've gotten themself

to this point of understanding

and this positive mindset

that no matter the hand

you've been dealt in life,

no matter how hard

things might be for you,

if you can learn to find the light

in whatever dark situation

you're going through

and you can learn to laugh at the things

that should make you miserable,

including yourself sometimes,

that's how you f*cking win life.

And you are going to be a

significantly happier person.

If you can learn to laugh

in the face of adversity.

I know this seems harsh,

but I have little to

no respect for anybody

who wakes up every day and

makes the decision to live

with a victim's negative mentality of,

"Oh, everything's awful.

"Everyone's out to hurt my feelings."

Only because that's not fair to you.

That's not fair to yourself.

Your life is so short and so precious,

you deserve to have the best

f*cking time you possibly can

and laugh your way through life

and be as happy as you can

no matter your circumstance

and no matter what anybody

f*cking says about you.

You deserve that.

Have some fun.

We're only here for a second.

Have some fun, man.

And that's why I chose

the comparison that I did.

A lot of people think it's

an insensitive comparison

in the beginning,

comparing those two groups,

but it's because the positive message

that I'm trying to put out there,

and I want people to remember,

is that no matter what

you're going through,

I would never negate that.

But I want you to remember, if

you think your life is hard,

somebody has it worse.

Try to remember that.

Be grateful, be happy, and

enjoy your time no matter what.

And that's what I love about this example

is because if you think

about the life of somebody

in a wheelchair, that's f*cking hard.

That's a daily obstacle to overcome

to do anything every day.

And the fact that they can

laugh their way through that,

we should all be able to.

That's why I have so much respect

for the wheelchair community

is because regardless of

what they're going through,

people in wheelchairs are never annoying

about their situation.

Until they're getting on the bus.

I don't know how many

of y'all have been stuck

behind a city bus letting

somebody in a wheelchair on,

but it is f*cking excruciating.

You're behind 'em trying

to make that right turn,

and they're f*cking

Put this m*therf*cker on

the bike rack and let's go!

That is the only time I

have ever lost my patience

on a handicapped person

is when they're f*cking up traffic, okay?

Other than that,

they're angels.

Look, if you're still

upset about the comparison,

feel free to think about

it and tell me I'm wrong.

Let's say you did.

Let's say you took somebody with no legs

and a trans person,

and you put 'em in the same room,

the same handicap accessible room.

See who you think has the harder life.

I feel like I'm trapped inside

of another person's body.

So you have four legs?

You're not listening.

It's not about that.

It's sometimes my mental

health will take such a toll

that I could just, I could

just jump off of my balcony.

Jump?

What's that?

You're not hearing.

People will call me the wrong pronouns.

Someone called me Chariot

Tubman the other day.

You think a pronoun's the

worst thing you can be called?

Come on.

- What

about a trans person

in a wheelchair?

Oh, you mean trans-portation?

Don't test me, dog!

Oh shit.

Look, this is a hard joke to pull off.

It's like a prosthetic leg.

Like, you just gotta...

No, no, it is, it is, obviously.

You take two marginalized groups of people

who are going through a tough time

and you think you can't

make jokes about that.

But you can.

The joke works if my

point is inarguable, and

I think it is.

I think those examples speak for themself.

I guess I just can't wait for the day

that I'm doing this joke at a show

and there's a trans person in the audience

who gets so offended they walk out,

and I'm just like,

"Show off."

Some of y'all are still on

edge, and it's very annoying.

Okay, I'm gonna give it one last try.

I'm gonna give it one last try

to get y'all all on my side.

This is my last attempt to

get through to y'all, okay?

I was working on this joke

when it was like brand new

about like eight weeks ago, right?

I was in Arizona, and it's a new joke.

I'm trying to figure it out.

Obviously it's a little

tricky to navigate.

Obviously it teeters a

very fine line of offensive

and funny,

which is where you want

your jokes, you know?

Have some fun, push the

boundaries, you know?

So I'm working on it.

I'm trying to make it the best it can be.

And I can see out of the corner of my eye,

front row, left side of

the stage is a young woman

in a wheelchair,

and I'm in the middle of like the trans

versus wheelchair material.

And I can see outta my peripheral vision,

she's laughing her ass off.

I'm serious.

This girl is, she's slapping her knee.

She can't feel it, but

she's slapping her knee.

Like, this b*tch is rolling.

You know what I mean?

She's f*cking, ah.

You know how they'd be laughing?

Ah.

Handicap people laugh like

they're getting good head,

just, ah, ah.

She's so obviously having

a great time, right?

So when the joke was over,

it dawned on me that I had

a very unique opportunity

to get an inside perspective

on this material.

And in order for a joke like this to work,

it has to be funnier than it is offensive.

And again, I want it to be.

I never wanna hurt anybody's feelings.

It's just jokes, man.

It's as simple as that to me.

But I'm always open to conversation.

So when the joke was over, I asked her.

I was like, "Out of

curiosity was anything I said

"in that joke offensive?"

And still laughing, this

woman says, "No, no, no, no.

"It was so f*cking funny.

"And I want to thank

you for including me."

I had never...

I had never realized

that so many people were so uncomfortable

around handicapped people

that a lot of the times

they won't even laugh

about some of the same things

they want to laugh about

and things that they think are hilarious.

So getting that confirmation

is what gave me all the

confidence I needed to know

that these jokes are okay to tell

and we are allowed to

laugh at them, you know?

Her and I were on the

same page the whole time.

We both know that's what

you do to vegetables,

you roast 'em!

Ah!

Bro, if you didn't laugh at that shit,

I would never be your friend.

f*ck you, dude.

f*ck you.

Bro, then I f*cked her.

That's the crazy thing.

It was after the show.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm not saying it was me,

but she wasn't walking the

next day, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying.

I was like, "Can you

feel it in your stomach?"

She was like, "I can't feel anything."

I was like, "Yeah."

My name is Matt Rife.

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

- Take your shirt off!

- Listen, listen.

For one second.

First and foremost, thank you all so much.

This means the absolute world to me.

And I know...

I know we laughed a lot in the past hour,

but if you wouldn't mind,

there is something important

I would actually like

to share with you guys.

And it's something I wanted

to address about this special,

it's very important to me

is the name of the special

being "Matthew Steven Rife."

It's my full name.

If you guys buy the DVD,

you can get my social security number too.

But it's my full name.

Obviously Matthew and Rife

being my first and last name

and my middle name being Steven.

And I'm named after my grandpa.

The same pocket p*ssy grandpa.

And just to clarify, yes,

that story is 1,000% true.

Zero embellishment.

He's a f*cking monster.

But the reason we've decided to,

this special was gonna be named

something totally different.

And I wanted to dedicate

this special to my grandpa

because just under two

weeks ago, he passed away.

And the whole show,

I mean, this whole special

taping almost didn't happen.

I mean, he was my absolute...

My best friend, and I love

him and miss him so much.

And he wasn't able to come

to my first special taping last year.

So for this one, I was like scrambling.

I was like, "Do I even

want to do this one?

"It doesn't feel right to

do a show without him."

So, I mean, we scrambled together.

We changed some of the set for it.

Like, this right here is his hat

that he wore like every single day.

There's even a photo.

There's a black and white

photo of like he and I

when I was a baby.

Clearly we were on the set

of one of his '70s pornos.

And I miss him a lot.

And like I said, he wasn't able to come

to my first special taping last year

because it was kind of the

height of COVID and everything.

He also hadn't been on a

plane in like 30 years.

So for this one, a couple months ago,

like four or five months ago

when we decided we were

gonna do this special,

I really, really wanted

to fly him out here.

And he was very excited to,

'cause I wanted to kind of immortalize

and in front of everybody

that was here tell him

just how much he meant

to me and just thank you

for every single thing that he did for me.

I mean

You guys really don't understand.

I spent every weekend

with him when I was a kid.

Like, he's the one that showed

me like, all these funny,

we would sit around and watch

like Adam Sandler movies

and stuff like that.

You know, very inappropriate

movies for a child to watch.

And he was very funny.

Like, he's definitely the

reason I have a sense of humor.

And when I was starting out

doing standup when I was 15,

how open mics work a lot of the times,

I started out at the local

comedy club in Columbus, Ohio

called The Funny Bone.

And they would have these open mics,

and how those work a lot of the times

is they're called bringer shows.

So you'd have to bring five people

in order for you to get stage time.

And I was 15, all my friends

were in middle school.

So obviously I couldn't have anybody come.

So my grandpa would buy five tickets

so that I could get stage time

and do like this silly thing

because he thought I was so funny.

I really wish he was here to

see all of you people here

and just to let you guys know if...

If I have ever made any of you laugh ever,

it's because of him.

That's why like when we were

going over the stage decoration

for how we were gonna do this stage,

like I wanted it kind of plain and rugged.

But then obviously I wanted

him here at the show so bad,

which is why we decided to

leave a seat open for him

on the stage, hoping he

would want to watch the show.

And as heartbreaking as it

is that he couldn't come

and be at the show

himself, fortunately enough

Ashley could.

So in the name of Steve,

this one's for you, Papaw.

Thank you so much!