Most romantic time of year.
Maybe that's because it's the
time when most of nature's
creatures do their guy girl
pairing up things and it gets
pretty noisy here. Hey, pipe
down, would you?OK,
let's take a look at some
contestants in Nature's
Dating Game. The ostrich has
an interesting approach to
getting a date. Just swagger
and strut. Hey, if you got
it. Want it? Even a frog gets
spiffed up for a date. Who
knows, If he gets kissed, he
may turn into a Prince. His
technique isn't so different
from the courting rituals of
a more familiar species, the
American popgested male. The
hair gets shinier, the
clothes get funkier, and the
look in the eyes get spicierand spacier.
Yep, there's no mistaking the
courting rituals of the
teenage boy. So whether
you're a lion or a sea slug
or a humanoid, spring is the
time for romance. And it
looks like my best friend Sam
has just come down withspring fever.
Math board problems is that
sometimes the words are the
problem. For example, if a
farmer has three chickens who
each lay 6 eggs a day for a
year. Whoa. And I'm
bored already. Who cares
about chickens and eggs?
Let's talk about something I
can relate to now. If a
really cute farmer has three
convertible sports cars and
he drives each 6 miles a day
for a year. Now we're
talking, so why not just use
a calculator? Sam and I are
competing in the school math
lawn. It's sort of like the
Olympics of junior high
school math. If we win, we
get to go to the National
Math Bond finals in sunny
Waikiki. Sam's got his boogie
board waiting, and I'm still
waiting for Sam. Hi,
Sam. We better get started.
Sorry I'm late. That's OK.
Get ready to multiply, divide
and conquer. Here, take a
look at this problem. My
biggest problem right now is
the phone. The phone?
What does the phone have to
do with the math alone? I
just can't concentrate on
anything else. OK, if a
telephone operator handles
600 calls a day.
Sam, what are you doing?
Oh, sorry, does my hair look
OK? It looks fine, but why
are you dancing?I wasn't
dancing, OK? You weren't
dancing. You were wiggling.
Now can we get to work? Sure.
Sam, you're about to hit a 10
on an RCB scale. RCBS radical
changes in behavior. You're
either having a pre mathemone
binomial breakdown or you
tell me, Well, actually I'm
having a problem with the Q
factor. You mean factor in
for Qi? Mean factoring for
Elise? Quackenbush a leaf.
What's wrong with Elise?
Nothing. Never really talked
to her. She's always smiling
though. I know, I just love
the way she crinkles her nose
when she laughs. And have you
ever seen her drink a can of
soda? She has the cutest way
of slurping out the last drop
with her straw. And the way
she twirls that long,beautiful hair, Sam.
Back to Earth. I'm glad you
and Elise are hitting it off,
but if we don't get started
studying, we'll never get to
Waikiki. You're right. OK,
let's start with theorem. Now
you have a ^2 + B ^2.
Clarissa, I need your help.
Come on, Sam. This stuff is
easy, but dialing Elise's
phone number is really hard.
I've had her phone number
written on my hand all day. I
can't concentrate until I ask
her out. So I ask her out.
Why? She says no. Our only
exchange was when she pinky
waved me from across the
cafeteria. Sam, if she
already pinky waved at you,
you're a shoo in. Just call
her. But I can't. Every time
I start to dial, my hand
turns into a claw. Just dial
her number. Pretend you're
calling pizza to go.
See. Easy, right?
Sam, I couldn't remember if I
want a pepperoni. Your extra
cheese. It was ringing in her
house. Maybe you're not ready
for this. Can we start
studying now?OK, you
call her for me then. Can we
study? Sure. I'll be a
mathweed for the rest of my
life. You'll just call her.
That's what it takes.
You make it look so easy.
Hey, I said. A car. I never
said I'd speak to her. Hello.
Is this Elise? Hi,
this is Umm.
Sam. Sam from school. Hi.
I was just wondering if you
wanted to umm if you wanted
to hang out, hang out at the.
Frisbee Fling tomorrow
afternoon. OK.
Bye.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. I thought
it would just be best to bite
the b*llet. Jump in the deep
end. Go for it. Don't be mad.
Mad. Why would I be mad? She
said yes. I can't believe she
said yes. She said yes. That's great.
Congratulations. Now can we
finally hit the equations?
Oh, sorry, Clarissa. I've got
to get ready for the Frisbee
Fling. But it's not until
tomorrow afternoon. How many
showers can you take? If I
don't practice my Frisbee
Fling, I'll look like a dork
tomorrow. Sam, if we don't
practice for the math lawn,
it's adios. Aloha. We can
catch up on the math stuff
after tomorrow. And thanks
for helping me, Clarissa.
How come sometimes the more
you help others help
themselves, the more you feel
totally helpless?
Ferguson and Dorney sent you
some spending money for
Groundhog Day, right? And
this year she's only two
months off. But how come he
gets cash and I got a
porcelain duck limp brush?
Well, you know your aunt
Dorney, She's a little old
fashioned. She probably knows
a lot. Clears of fritters
away here. Disposable income.
I'll be entrusting my funds
to a safe, reliable home. You
mean you're itty bitty
biggie? Bank actually says
I'm opening up bank account.
Ferguson, that's very wise.
Wouldn't a Piggy Bank be less
risky? First Federal is a
very sound institution. Now
all I need is a copy of my
birth certificate to open an
account. I'll go get it for
you, Ferguson. Thanks, Mom.
Of course she has to go to
Mars for the original very
funny slug breath. I bet you
wish you had enough money to
open an account. I just wish
I had enough money to send
you into another time zone.
Let's take a look. What do
you think?Well, to be honest,
Dad, it looks like a
doghouse. It is a doghouse.
Oh, but where do you see it?
It's going to be so much,
much more. Really. We're
getting a dog. I'm not
walking it. Relax, Ferguson.
It's for the pop impellers.
They commissioned me to
design the ultimate living
quarters for their dog,
Precious. You're building a
home for a dog named
Precious? Yes, it's a very
picky poodle and also very
happy. So they want me to
spend some time with her, you
know, get a sense of her
personality. This is strange.
What is, Marshall? Have you
seen Ferguson's birth
certificate? Well, don't
usually. Keep it upstairs in
your jewelry box. Well, yours
and mine is there and Clarissa
's is there, but Ferguson's
is missing. I knew it. He's
an alien invader from another
Galaxy. I must have misplaced
it. I can't believe it.
I don't exist. Don't be
silly, Ferguson. I had a
funny feeling I didn't come
from this family. Yeah,
first, and I'm sure it'll
turn up. Wow. I'm adopted.
It's OK. You can tell me. I
don't mind. It all makes
sense when you think about
it. Ferguson, I hate to
disappoint you, but I'm sure
your birth certificate is
around here somewhere. Sure,
Mom. Whatever you say, Mom.
You can always call the
hospital. Absolutely, Dad.
I'm gonna go look for it
until I find it. And I'd
better go study. Me too.
Yes, yes,
yes, yes.
Ferguson Not my real brother.
This could be the happiest
day of my entire life. Except
I don't think the equation
quite adds up. Now if only
Sam would get over here to
study, we could get that
Waikiki equation going.
Hi, Sam.
Hi, Clarissa. We better get
cracking. Yeah, but, umm,
could we get cracking later?
Like tomorrow, Sam. Signing
up for the math loan was your
idea. You're the one with the
boogie board. I know, and
we'll work on it all day
tomorrow. I just wanted to
thank you for getting me and
Elise together. I didn't get
you together. All I did was
dial. But what does that have
to do with the math lawn?
Well, I promised Elise I'd
help her paying her bike
today. OK, well, what about
later on?Later we're gonna
paint mine to match. And
after that, after they drive,
we're gonna ride them. Oh,
well, that's all really Sweet
Sam. Well, what can I say?
Have fun. I knew you'd
understand. Are you sure you
still wanna do this math
alone thing? Absolutely. But
I better go. Elise is
waiting. You're the greatest,Clarissa.
I know, I know.
It's a curse.
Well, I signed Sam and me up
for the math on this
afternoon, but I couldn't
even find Sam. Should I even
bother describing the many
ways Sam's blown me off this
week? I can just imagine what
he and the lovely Miss
Quackenbush have been up to.
I guess it's hard to have
time for square roots when
you're in spring feverheaven.
Now there's a many splendored
thing. How come when you're
not the one in love, it all
looks like one big dork fest?
Who can blame him? If I were
frolicking through the field
of love, I wouldn't have time
for math either.
We would appreciate having
some juice as well. We Oh,
did you bring your imaginary
friend with you today,
Ferguson? Haven't you ever
heard of the royal? We You
mean the Royal weenie?The
royal memory is very long. We
shall not forget your
impertinence. Well, we really
don't care. We happen to have
done a little royal research
in this text. Your deals are
true heritage. The
boy King Ferdinand of
Multeria. Let's mold area, a
proud land now forgotten. We
shall be receiving royal
offerings on tomorrow. Can't
you hold up on the
humiliating behavior until
it's officially declared that
you're not my brother? Your
humiliation is completewithout our help
#7.
Salmonella. Salmonella are
Macron partners. So sorry.
Apparently you've lost a
kinship with a King and a
partnership with the Pee On
All in the same week. I can't
believe this. Good show,
former sis. Well, we're off
riding to hounds thisafternoon time.
This whole week has been one
big subtraction. Ferguson's
lost his last living brain
cell and I've lost a methyl
partner. I just hope I
haven't lost a best friend.
Spring may be a time for
romance, but it's also a time
for major bummers. I think
it's time for a late breaking
Darling family update. Dad's
been hanging out with
Precious to perfect the
luxury poodle condo. I just
hope he's not barking up thewrong tree.
Meanwhile, moms turned the
house inside out, but she
still hasn't found Ferguson's
birth certificate. She has,
however, found $36.52 in
Loose Change. All the missing
socks we thought had vanished
to that great laundry room in
the sky. And the winky blinky
doll I lost when I was 2.
Annual skipper, Royal
pain in the butt. And in
Matalan news, the new kid in
class is my new partner,
Ernie Fingers Libra cow.
They call him fingers because
that's what he counts on,
which means. Map on anytime
in this century.
The same later. But of course
I think I have to stop seeing
Sam. But I thought you two
were really getting along
great. Well, we were, but
don't get me wrong, I like
Sam. I just don't like like
Sam. You know what I mean?
That's OK. Not everybody's
meant to go out, that's all.
Well, I just thought you
might know how I can let him
down easy, Since you're his
best friend and all. Well,
sounds pretty good at rolling
with the punches. Just do
what I do. Tell him exactly
what's on your mind. Well, it
may not be that easy. What's
exactly on my mind is I'm
beginning things. Annoying.
Really seems annoying.
Totally the way he laughs.
The way he picks food up my
plate, the way he never tucks
his shirt in, everything
that's funny. Those are
exactly the things I think
are really cool about them.
Really. Yeah. For one thing,
that laugh can Get Me Out of
some major bad moods. Well,
yeah, I guess sometimes it is
kind of cute, but not all the
time. Well, nothing is cute
all the time. I used to like
it, but maybe I'm just seeing
so much of him. It's like too
much of a good thing. He does
have his own style.
Definitely. But I guess I can
only see Sam through best
friend vision. Well, I never
thought about that. Sam's a
great best friend, isn't he?
Yeah, he usually is. Wow. Of
course, I was all set to
break it off with Sam, but
now I see what a great guy he
is. That's what I've always
thought. Probably a lot of
girls really, really like
him. I'm sure they do.
Thanks Gloria, this really
helped me out a lot, but I
didn't say anything. If you
want to break up with him,
you should. So you think I
should break up with them?
No. I mean, yeah. I
mean, do whatever your heart
desires. Sam's right. You do
give great advice. I've got
to run. I'm meeting Sam with
them all. Thanks again.
When Dear Abby gets stuck in
the middle of other people's
problems, at least she gets a
paycheck. No
fingers. I think it's better
if we each study on our own.
Sure.
OK. Bye.
Hey, what's up? Oh, you know.
Cosines, Tangents, fingers,
trying to count past 10. How
about you? Well, I've been
spending a lot of time with
Elise lately. I know, and
it's getting weird. Weird.
Why weird? I thought Elise
was ready to break up with
me, but then she changed her
mind or something. That's
good, right? Actually, I kind
of wish she had gone ahead
and broken up with me. What?
Why?So I wouldn't have to
break up with her, but I
thought you really liked her.
That was before. Before what?
Before she started getting on
my nerves. What happened when
I figured out? I'll explain
it to you, but it's all
little things, like the dumb
way she crinkles her nose
when she laughs. Sam, you
used to love that Houston was
right. And then there's the
way that she slurps that last
bit of soda out of the can
with her straw. Every single
time it drives me crazy. And
she never stops twirling her
hair. So do you think we
could be Macklemore partners
again? No way, Sam. You blew
me off to be with her, and
now you want to come back
just because you changed your
mind?I guess I really
was a jerk. I'm
sorry about the math lawn. I
got carried away. I know, I
know. Spring fever. No,
you're right. Besides, what
would I tell fingers? Beats
me. What do I tell Elise? I
don't know. Lucky for me, I'm
fresh out of advice. I don't
want to hurt her feelings.
Sam, I have the feeling Elise
can roll with the punches.
Just tell her what's on your
mind. We still have to study
together. Hey, do you think
we could study over here with
you? I don't know about that,
Sam. It'll be so
uncomfortable if we have to
study alone. Besides,
wouldn't it be more fun to
study with us than with
fingers? I'll think
about it. Thanks, Clarissa.
You really are a great bestfriend.
Great. How do I ever get
stuck in the middle of
something I'm not even
supposed to be a part of?
Since I haven't been able to
work on any math problems
lately, I've been trying to
workout my own problems.
OK, the object is to get out
of the tunnel of Love without
getting caught in the middle.
Sam and at least dragged me
in here. Now it's up to me to
get out. And we're off
lookout for Cupid's arrows.
Hey Sam and elites are hit.
I'm the sole survivor. Oh,
they're back. Now I have to
avoid those breaking hearts.
Looks like it's home free.
Oh no. How come when they
head for each other, I'm the
one who gets stuck in the
middle?I know just what to
do. Ask Mom. She's always the
voice of reason.
I must be losing my mind.
The great search continues.
It has to be here. It's just
the Ferguson's birth
certificate. Just grew legs
and decided to walk right out
of here. I wish we
could lose Ferguson and find
his birth certificate. Mom,
have you ever been in the
middle of something you
didn't want to be in the
middle of? What do you mean,
Clarissa? Like if your best
friend likes someone, so you
help him, call someone who
then doesn't like him, so you
help her realize how great he
is, but then he doesn't like
her, so you feel right smack
in the middle of it with a
yucky math lawn partner.
That's pretty complicated.
But do you know what I mean?
Not really, but maybe. You
know, when I was in high
school, your father told
Sally Kirk and Pfeiffer he
liked me. And then she told
my old boyfriend, Joey Russo.
And then Sally told me she
liked Joy, but she thought
Joy still liked me. And boy
did I feel stuck right smack
dab in the middle of a mess.
So what happened? Well, we
all got together for pizza
one afternoon and things just
sort of worked themselves
out. So I just have to get in
the middle of what I'm really
in the middle of in order to
get out of it. What are you
talking about, Clarissa? It's
an old football play Sam once
told me about. Take them into
thinking you're going up the
middle, then fade.
Way, way.
Well, I think it's time for
the Darling equation. Take
one Sam, add Elise, split
from a room and hope they
divide themselves. Hi,
Sam. Hi,
Clarissa. What's up? Where'sElise?
Hi, Clarissa. Nice ladder.
Thanks for letting us study
together. Yeah, if we really
crank out together, it's
Aloha. Like Kiki well made
the best team win. Where's
your partner? Fingers. He's
probably at home getting
study tips from Big Bird. OK,
let's just start. Yeah, but
you know, I can never do the
binomial theorem on an empty
stomach. I'll just run to the
mini Mart, grab some metal on
munchies. Wait, stick around.
Yeah, we should all get
started together. The sooner
it began, the sooner I can
split. Hey, wait a minute.
You sound like you don't want
to be here. I don't. Oh, I
didn't want to be here first.
Then what are we doing here?
Clarissa asked us over. I'll
just be getting those
munchies. Now stick around.
I've really gotta go. You
know, sometimes 3 into two
doesn't go well. This was all
your idea. My idea? Maybe we
should forget about studying
together. Well, that's fine
with me. We just stopped
twirling your hair. Sure, as
soon as you tuck in your
shirt. I should have broken
up with you when I wanted to
break up with you. Yeah, me
too. So why didn't you say
something? Why didn't you say
something sooner? I would
have, But then I talked to
Clarissa. Hey, don't look at
me. I try not to get stuck in
the middle. Sam, you and
Elise was Clarissa. Would you
stay out of this?Now you tell
me. I never even would have
called her. If it hadn't been
for you. You wouldn't have
even called me. Clarissa,
help me. Call me. OK, Maybe.
But you should've known she
was wrong for me. What could
I do? You begged for myhealth. Did not.
I'm getting out of here. I
can see why you took it along
so well. You're bothcompletely nuts.
Well, that could have been
worse. Could not, could do,
could not, could. Do, could
not, could do, could.
OK, here we go. Oh, you're
gonna love this. Precious,
Are you ready? Ready. Hey.
Here it is. Here it is. Thisis it.
What do you think?
Precious. Precious, come
back, precious, come back.
Come on, we'll try French
provincial. Voila.
I found that. Mike Ferguson.
Your birth certificate. Oh,
it was stuck behind the desk
all this time. Can't use to
get back there. You mean I'm
not a king? Or a Kn*fe Or
even a rock? Sorry, Ferguson.
Looks like you're a true blue
darling. But we're glad to
have you back in the family.
There must be some mistake.
So, how did the math lawn go,
you guys? Well, there's no
way we could have known.
Really. Yeah, but what a
surprise. What's a surprise?
Dear fingers. My math
partner. Oh, yeah. A little
slow on the uptake, huh?
Light speeds. More like it.
Turns out he's some kind of
genius. That counting he was
doing on his fingers. He
wasn't counting numbers. He
was keeping track of radical
Google plexes. Google what?
That's math talk for a whole
bunch. We made it to the
playoffs, but then we choked
them fingers. Gotta hang now.
How did you do, Samuel? Not
too hot. My math partner and
I kind of weren't talking. It
makes. Help. Any of you are
staring at Julian Mingpa the
whole time? Yeah, she's kind
of cute. St. Corsa. Do you
think you could help me ask
her out? No way. There's one
theorem we'll never forget
from this methyl on it'sCount me out.
Normally it takes 365 days
for a year to pass, but at
the Roundhouse, a year blows
by in just 24 minutes 38
seconds. How do they do that?
Check out my crazies at the
Roundhouse next on Snick.
02x07 - Sam in Love
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Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.