03x01 - Sam's Swan Song

[bunniefuu]

Why do you sometimes have to lose something

Before you even remember it exists?

Take these earrings.

I haven't worn them for years,

But now that one's missing, I want them.

Here's the former home of the hippy hop books.

Hoppy hiphopped his way through my teething years,

But once I discovered johnny depp, they molded.

Then mom donated hoppy to the library,

And suddenly, I missed hoppy.

Why are the things you think will stick around forever

The ones you miss most when they're gone?

Iswho's the boss really gone?

I'd better watch the stuff I care about

Before I lose another earring or book

Or maybe a friend.

It's got to be somewhere.

I know.

I'll pretend I don't care about the earring,

Then I'll find it, right?

Earring, did you hear that?

Hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

What's wrong?

Wrong? Who said anything's wrong?

Everything's great, really great--

Absolutely totally couldn't be greater.

Sam, what's bothering you?

Well, did you know that you're missing an earring?

I'm not missing it. It's missing me.

Wait a second.

My missing earring is bothering you?

My mom's coming with the roller derby.

When did you last see her?

I haven't really seen her

Since she became dangerous debbie.

The roller derby queen?

Ex-roller derby queen.

Tomorrow's her last derby.

She's leaving the rink?

She doesn't think we should live on the road.

Right.

Wait. What do you mean "we"?

Well, I'm supposed to go live with my mom.

She's moving back here?

Not exactly here.

Exactly where, then?

Seattle.

Seattle.

That's not just another school district!

It's another time zone!

What does your dad think?

He's really upset,

But this was always the arrangement.

When they split, they agreed to switch custody later.

I can't believe you never told me this.

I'm your best friend.

I should know this stuff.

I didn't think they'd do it.

It was supposed to happen two years ago,

But mom's been so happy as dangerous debbie,

Dad and I figured she'd never do it.

You might as well be moving to timbuktu.

Do you want to move?

No.

Well, then don't. Don't go.

Clarissa, you don't understand.

She's my mom. I don't have a choice.

She's a force that's greater than both of us.

I'd better clean my room before she comes.

You mean you'd better go pack.

Right. I keep forgetting.

But I'm cool about this. It'll be cool.

Sure. It'll be cool.

It'll be cool and rainy.

It rains all the time there.

But what's a little rain?

Yeah. What's a little rain?

So, bye.

Not really bye.

Why am I saying bye?

Bye for now.

Yeah. Bye for now.

I've taken the highway past hippy hop books,

Jet-skied through the land of lost earrings,

And crash-landed at the worst loss of all--

My best friend.

Best friends aren't supposed to move until you're old--

Like .

Hey, clarissa.

Hi, sam.

Here's some stuff I want you to have.

We'll find a way out of this.

I'll keep it for now, though.

First, I want you to have this.

Your first prize for the science fair?

It nearly broke through the roof.

Oh! What happened?

I did it.

I found the secret ingredient.

It's two parts tasteetos and bean dip,

Half a cup of cola,

And the secret ingredient, kaopectate.

And blast off!

What have you been doing in here?

You know.

Making rocket fuel from chips and dip.

Can I interest anybody

In an atomic cocktail?

Maybe you ought to keep this.

Wait. There's more.

Have these, too.

Boxing gloves?

You might have to put

Clifford spleenhurfer back in line.

I'll never forget you training me for the fight.

♪ Listen to the words of muhammad ali ♪

♪ Float like a butterfly ♪

♪ Sting like a bee ♪

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

♪ Hook him with the right ♪

♪ And doink him in the eye ♪

♪ Take him to the cleaners ♪

♪ And hang him out to dry ♪♪

Can you make me into a k*lling machine?

I can keep you from getting k*lled.

Be prepared.

O.k. Let's lift that weight.

You're the champ.

You're the champ.

You're the champ.

Come on.

I'm the champ.

I'm... Not the champ.

I'm a tiny guppy

Fighting a great white shark.

I don't know what I'll do without you.

Me neither.

Here.

The elf hat?

I can't believe you kept it.

That hat saved my life.

It's the only thing

That kept me from getting sunstroke

Peddling christmas cards in the summer.

Oh, yeah.

[Ding dong]

Hi. We're selling happy holiday christmas cards--

Christmas cards in may?

My word. I don't think so.

Hi. Though christmas only comes

One day in december...

We'd like to think that--

Bah, humbug.

[Ding dong]

Hi. We're selling

These nifty christmas cards.

You could buy a ton

And recycle the paper for $..

Why don't you children go home?

[Ding dong]

Hi. We're selling

Happy holiday christmas cards,

But they're actually th of july--

Ow!

Sam, are you o.k.?

My toes were as red and green as those cards.

I can't take this stuff.

You can't go away. This makes no sense.

There's nothing I can do.

Get your parents to talk.

They'll see this is a mistake.

Clarissa, your mom and dad like each other.

They even live together.

The last time my parents talked,

They didn't have a heart-to-heart,

They had a rollerskate- to-forehead.

Mom's got a wild streak.

She wants to do what's right, doesn't she?

Can't we do anything?

I don't know.

Try to get them to talk.

I don't know, clarissa.

I guess it's worth a sh*t.

Really?

Can I ask one favor?

Anything.

If things get bad, can mom and I come here?

You can chill here anytime.

The darling household is neutral territory--

Sort of a demilitarized zone

For warring moms and dads.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

That's great, ferguson.

Maybe a little more pink for your father's cheeks, huh?

Why is art a school requirement?

Don't people realize art is created by losers?

Ferguson, creativity is important to everyone.

What is that supposed to be?

Wait. I see--a bowl of lemons and snakes.

Can I see that?

You have to sit still.

That's dad?

I'm doing an abstract portrait

For the school art show.

It's very keenly observed.

There's his glasses, his tie.

You've done a lovely job

On the hands and mouth.

It looks like ferguson's brain--really gross.

I want to look.

O.k.

Well, what do you think, dad?

Well, it's interesting, son.

Ferguson was working from an abstract perspective.

I thought it was his usual warped perspective.

Some of the most important artists

Of the th century

Painted abstract masterpieces--

Picasso, klee, miro.

Look. This is jackson pollock's work.

He just closed his eyes and spilled paint everywhere.

I've always loved pollock.

I wish we could afford one.

When we get our first million.

Did you say million?

These are masterpieces, ferguson.

This garbage-- I mean art--

Sells for millions of dollars a pop?

If I get started now,

Think of the business I can do on volume alone.

Thanks, mom.

Thanks, dad. You're my inspiration.

Inspiration for a quick buck.

Marshall, I think we might have another artist.

He's got creativity in his genes.

I won "most artistic use of aluminum siding"

Two years in a row.

I've got to get back to work.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Hi.

How did it go?

That man makes me so friggin' mad I could bust.

They talked things over.

I promised myself I wouldn't lose my temper.

Now dad's got matching skate marks on his forehead.

Oh, my. Can this be clarissa?

You were a little twinkie-pie.

Time flies when you're having fun.

Yeah. Skating is a blast and a half.

You should try it.

I don't think I'm right for crash helmets.

Neither am I anymore.

It's time for me to kiss my wild years good-bye

And take a sh*t at the motherhood gig.

Posture, sam. Posture.

Right, mom.

A good mom has to think about things like posture.

I read that somewhere, I think.

Your mommy probably tells you

To stand up straight.

Well, actually--

Debbie.

Janet!

It's great to see you.

Mom's final match is tomorrow.

You're leaving the derby?

Yeah. Cracking heads isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It's all show biz these days--

Punks pumped up on steroids,

Using it as a springboard intoamerican gladiators.

That's... Disillusioning.

What will you do when you retire?

I'm starting a new career.

I'm going to be, well...

The greatest mom this world has ever seen!

Wow.

That's how they talk in roller derby.

Maybe a great mom

Doesn't get that worked up.

Think I should tone it down?

If it's what you want,

You'll make a great mother.

Thanks, janet.

I've chosen a great town.

According to my sources,

Seattle is theplace

For single moms raising sons.

Mom's opening a combo gym/health food store

And laundromat.

Well, you know how I love health food stores,

But isn't seattle far away?

Well, you got to start where the market needs you.

My research says

There isn't a combo gym/health food store

And laundromat

Anywhere in the seattle metropolitan area.

So when does the store open?

I don't know yet. I need to scout around.

Of course, I'll need backers.

It will be funtastic.

Clarissa, you can stay anytime you like.

Thanks, but are you sure

You want to move?

Sure. It will be a blast. Right, sam?

Right, mom.

Mom. That word sure sounds good

To this old skater's ears.

This time, I'll do it right.

I'm thinking mobile home,

So if sam doesn't like seattle,

We can keep trucking in the same house.

Like trading your little wheels for big ones.

I never thought of that.

Ha ha ha!

Why don't you stay for dinner?

I'd love to--

Great.

But I promised the girls

I'd show them my hometown.

You don't mind, do you, sam?

Let's go work on our spitting lessons.

Spit?

Spit?

I already know how to spit.

Oh, right. I forgot.

Come tell me all about your plans.

Come on, sam.

Sam.

Why do I feel

Like my life is turning into a bad road movie?

And why do I feel

Like my best friend's about to hit the road for good?

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Since it looks like sam's splitting for good,

It's time formy world's turned upside down update.

Ferginardo da vinci has been making everyone miserable

With his art business.

I realize that taste in art is subjective,

But when it comes to ferguson's art,

I don't want to be subjected, period.

Meanwhile, debbie unveiled some body-art of her own.

I've been going through the five stages of loss

Every seconds--

Shock,

Anger,

Grief,

Denial,

And depression.

The only thing worse than sam leaving

Is the headache I'm getting from talking upside down.

Whew! I almost passed out.

Hi, sam.

Hey, clarissa.

It'll be so quiet

Without the pitter-patter of your ladder.

What can you do when your family calls?

I think of you as one of my family.

Don't make this harder than it already is.

It's not just me.

My parents think of you as a son,

Especially my dad.

♪ , , ,

♪ Here comes a man who's a friend of mine ♪

♪ He's all the way live 'cause he's got the rhyme ♪

♪ So throw your hands up in the air ♪

♪ Let's now jam to m.t. Square ♪

♪ From the roman colosseum to the modern art museum ♪

♪ I'm here to teach you that you can reach, too ♪

♪ That form follows function and that is the key ♪

♪ You just got to think architecturally ♪

♪ Get live, sam

♪ He's gonna build your house ♪

♪ I'm gonna build your house ♪

♪ Architects build your house ♪

♪ Da house, da house ♪♪

Yeah. I thought the fun was just starting.

Me, too.

I thought you'd be around

Into the next century.

Hi, sam.

Hello.

Whoa.

Sam, be careful.

You know you got a bad back.

Oh, my sacroiliac.

I can't believe we won't see each other every day.

Now that your friendship is history,

Allow me to paint

A loving portrait for you to cherish forever.

Allow me to add black and blue to your palette.

We've got to stick together.

So getting them to talk bombed.

You can't give up now.

Just say to your mom,

"About the seattle thing--no way.

Absolutely not. No can do."

I guess I could try.

You've got to, sam.

Otherwise your mom's last derby

Will be our last hangout.

Wow. So this is where she works?

Yeah. Mom always says

The locker room is like her office.

Is it true this is your last match?

I'm hanging up my wheels.

You've just been nominated

For the most valuable slayer award.

Why step down now?

I want to be closer to my kid.

Well, everyone knows you're the best.

Thanks.

Mom, can we talk?

Remember. Lay it on the line.

Be direct.

What's on your mind?

About this new life you've planned--

Oh, right. I forgot.

Check out the new stuff I bought you.

I know you like your hair to look nice,

So I got some grease.

It's the kind bikers use.

Wow. Great.

See this here?

This is the best.

A wrench?

Wrench schmench.

This is an all-in-one industrial ratchet.

Chicks go for a guy

Who knows how to work under the hood.

I'll teach you how to be a mechanic.

Gee. Thanks, mom.

Just what I've always wanted--

An all-in-one industrial ratchet.

I used to think I wasn't cut out

For this maternal stuff,

But I think I'll make one heck of a mom.

Me, too. What I wanted to tell you--

You hungry?

I guess.

You can finish my candy bar.

Thanks, mom, but I already ate with dad.

That reminds me.

I've got to make dinners for dad and freeze them.

Otherwise, he'll forget.

You cook for arnie?

Well, only sometimes.

But it's not like he can't live without me.

He'll do fine.

Sure, he will.

Yeah. Sure, he will.

Hey, sam, you know,

Maybe you could teach me some recipes.

Sure, mom.

I was never good at cooking.

Skating I'm good at. Cooking--

Debbie, it's skull-busting time.

I got to go.

Sammy, wish me luck.

I'm going out there as dangerous debbie,

But I'm coming back as mom.

What did you want to tell me?

Oh, nothing. Forget it.

O.k. Let's go!

Yeah!whoo!

Well, it looks like

I have a whole new life ahead of me.

Yeah.

It's probably going to be hell on wheels.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

We destroyed them.

We annihilated them.

We crushed their larynxes,

Pulverized their thoraxes,

Left a smoking hole where they once stood.

Oh. Hi, sam.

Weren't you in the stands?

No. Not really.

You been back here all this time?

Yeah.

Well, kid, we better hit the road.

Yeah, mom.

Yeah. I guess we better

Do what we set out to do.

Yeah.

Sam?

Mom?

Listen, kid.

We got to talk.

I better go see

How the soda machine is working.

You can only go around the rink

So many times

Without having a deep thought.

While I hit the alabama amazon,

It hit me.

It ain't gonna work, is it?

Mom, I love you, and I've missed you,

But I don't know.

Aw, sam. I tried, honey.

I really did,

But your life doesn't

Really revolve around me anymore.

It's spinning pretty good

On its own, isn't it?

I've been living with dad a long time.

I guess I'm just no good

At this motherhood stuff.

No, mom. You're wrong. You're the coolest.

Any kid would k*ll

To have a roller derby mom.

I wouldn't trade you for anybody.

Really?

Really. I'd be glad just to see more of you.

Maybe we can arrange that.

[Knock on door]

What do you want?

Is this a bad time?

No, marshall. Come in.

We wanted to say good-bye.

Actually, it looks like sam will be around.

Really? That's great!

I mean, is that great?

It definitely is.

Don't worry.

We'll be seeing a lot more of each other,

Right, sam?

Right, mom.

I love it when the roller derby comes.

It's the contact sport

That brings families together.

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Guess what I found.

Ta-da! My earring.

Actually, my bare feet found it.

It wiggled its way up from the carpet

And stabbed me in the foot.

Hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

What's up?

I got a post card from my mom.

She's kicking major butt in houston,

But she's also got something else.

A gym/health food store/laundromat and mobile home?

No. She's going to be an announcer for espn.

I'll definitely see more of her,

Like every wednesday at :, : central.

Is that how you'll see more of her?

And she's visiting next week.

I finished my masterpiece--

The portrait of your friendship.

Expensive, yes,

But let's not put a price on friendship.

I'll bill you later.

Take your time.

We're not going anywhere.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na... ♪