- Sometimes politics really ticks me off.
It's just one big power struggle.
And just think what can happen
when the power ends up in the wrong hands.
Like consider the unthinkable...
the unimaginable...
the horrifying possibility that Ferguson will someday
be the one in charge.
What would Ferg-face do if he suddenly found himself
in a position of power?
First, he'd make everyone wear school uniforms.
[piano music]
- Next, he'd dye everybody's hair red.
[quirky music]
- And then he'd replace the word "great" with "fergus."
Wow, that's fergus, dude.
And finally, he'd print new money.
[patriotic music]
- It's like Mr. Futstien say,
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
And the absolute worst is when the power is in the hands
of your absolutely unbearable little pipsqueak of a brother.
Could it happen?
Well, today, he's taken the first big step.
Ferguson's running for class president.
Read my lips:
Ahhh!
[lively percussive music]
- ♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ All right, all right ♪
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na na
♪ Just do it
- That must be a very good book, Clarissa.
- It's for my book report.
According to George Orwell,
in the future, we'll be controlled
by a government that makes everyone think the same,
speak the same, and even dress the same.
- I remember "."
Of course, when I read it, was the future,
and now the future is the past.
- I know, Mom, is ancient history.
You think he would have at least named it .
♪
- Oh, Ferguson, could you get me a jar of beans
from the cabinet, please? - Sure, Mom.
Let the history book show that I was never above hard work.
- I never say you're above anything, Ferg-wad.
- Political decorum prevents me from exchanging insults.
I have my campaign for class president to think about.
- Ferguson, you're running for class president?
- Yes, Mom. Today, I threw my hat in the ring.
- Oh. - Hey, class president.
That's a great idea. - Yes, Dad.
I feel it's my duty to serve the little people.
The time has come for me to take my place
in the pantheon of great leaders.
Today, president of my class.
Tomorrow, the nation.
- The alien nation.
- Well, it's great that you're so confident, Ferguson.
Let me tell you something...
that's half the battle.
- Yeah, if he hadn't been confident to nominate himself,
no one else would have.
- It's easy to be confident when you're a graduate of
the Roger Ellis correspondence course in campaign strategy.
I'm bringing the modern times of political campaigning
to Thomas Double Junior High's class elections.
- Uh, yeah, well, you know, that--
that reminds me of the time I ran for office.
Oh boy, that was the summer of '.
No, '.
No, no, actually, I think it was--
["Twilight Zone" music plays]
- You're traveling through another dimension.
A dimension not only of sight and sound,
but of mind.
Your next stop...
- The winter--oh well, anyway, I remember, I was
the president of LOVE: Liberals for United Voice.
- Respectfully submitted for your approval,
one Marshall Darling.
- But that would have spelled LURV. [laughs]
Anyway, LOVE believed that if everybody would
just listen to two hours a day of the Grateful Dead,
hey, there'd be a lot less conflict.
- Someone has triggered a memory.
A memory all had hoped was long forgotten.
A memory still alive and vibrant to him.
But to us?
Bleak, wasted, and boring.
- Back then, I didn't believe in making campaign promises,
so I promised not to make any.
- Once again, this seemingly ordinary father
has trapped us here in the Parental Memory Zone.
There's only one way to get out of it.
- Did I ever tell you
about the time-- - Dad? Dad! Dad!
- What? - Nothing.
- What was I talking about? - My campaign.
I better get back to work.
- Well, if you need any help with posters, let me know.
- I wouldn't want to impose.
- Okay, but we're here if you need us.
- Well, since you insist.
I've typed up your instructions in duplicate.
You'll be using spin control, photo opportunities,
up-to-the-minute polls.
It's all outlined in the Roger Ellis method.
- It sounds very complex-- - Yeah, I mean,
Whatever happened to grassroots campaign?
- Get with it, Dad.
This is the 's.
These are the plans for my campaign headquarters.
We'll need the entire first floor of the house, of course.
- Oh really?
- We need extra telephones, a fax machine,
a photocopying service.
We'll need plenty of extra refreshments.
And don't forget a-- - Looks like my book report
on a supreme dictator is about to turn into a case study.
[patriotic music]
♪
- Here you go, Becky.
- Thank you, Mrs. Darling. - You're welcome.
- Here, Nick.
- Thank you, Mrs. Darling. - You're welcome.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, dear.
♪
- Can you give me a ride to the library tomorrow?
I need to do extra research on my book report.
♪
- Sure, dear. I'll pick you up after school.
[phone rings]
- Oh.
Hello? Darling residence.
♪
- Look out, dork brain. - Ew, what's that?
- Dad said I could put it on the front lawn.
Now I'll wave to my constituents every time the wind blows.
- It's hideous. It looks just like you.
- It's for you, Ferguson.
They're from "Nightline."
- Uh, finally, they returned my phone call.
♪
- Yes, this is Mr. Darling.
So, Ted Koppel did get my letter, great.
What? What do you mean?
This is an outrage!
Well, you tell him that I wouldn't do that show
even if I were allowed to stay up that late.
[groans]
Someday...
I will squash him like a bug.
- Ferguson, aren't you getting a little carried away?
Remember, it's just a class election.
- Just a class election?
Mom, this is the key to my political career!
- The poll results are in!
♪
- The poll results are in!
- Uh, right on schedule.
Run it by me, Maurice. - Yes, Mr. President.
- Mr. President? - Get used to it.
- Sixty percent of those polled will vote for a candidate
who will reduce homework.
- Twenty-seven percent will vote for a candidate
who will fight for a four-day school week.
- And % will vote for a candidate
who brings in the cookies.
- Allowing for statistical error of plus or minus five points,
it's clear cookies are the key to success.
- Couple of batches of those chewy, chocolaty cookies
would put this election in the palm of your hands.
- I have a great recipe for broccoli chews.
- Mom, I think the people want chocolate.
- Let them eat rice cakes.
- Hey, I need these cookies to win.
- Okay, chocolate chip cookiesit is.
- Mom, you're actually gonna bake him
chocolate campaign cookies?
- I'll just make one batch.
- All right, I've got the equipment all ready here.
Come on, let's make a test.
Say something presidential.
- No comment. [laughing]
Just joking.
Um, how do I look on camera, Dad?
- Oh, you look very presidential.
- Well, I'll sh**t my campaign commercial later.
Right now, it's time for the history of my candidate.
Take this down.
First, we find my opponent's weaknesses.
Then, we exaggerate them.
- What happened to a kinder, gentler Ferguson?
- You know, that doesn't sound very ethical, Ferguson.
- Ethical? - Yeah.
- Oh, well. - Mr. President!
We finished your campaign song.
- Okay, staff.
Run it by me.
[together] ♪ Oh say can you sing
♪ About Ferguson Darling
♪ How much we all hail
♪ That incredible male
- I can't let you see this.
It's not for the faint of heart.
♪ And high IQ...
[metal clangs]
- Hi, Sam.
- Shh.
[spy movie music]
♪
- Sam?
- [whispers] Get down, they can see you.
♪
- So I guess you decided to do your book report
on that spy novel?
- Yeah, and a yellow car has been following me all day.
- A yellow car?
- They're parked on the corner right now.
Look!
♪
- Sam, that car is red.
♪
- Whoa.
They painted it.
Diabolical.
- I'll tell you what's diabolical.
Ferg-face running for class president.
- What's the big deal about that?
- Sam, say you are being followed
by some international conspiracy.
What's the worse that can happen to you?
- Well...
they could try t*rture.
- And then death. - Exactly.
♪
- I'm the one in serious trouble here.
Ferguson's campaign has taken over the house.
If he wins, he'll take over a lot more than that.
- Just how much damage can he do as president of his class?
- Sam, it's like in "."
This is just Ferguson's first step
on the road to total tyranny.
♪
- So what are you gonna do?
- Fortunately, I can just sit back, relax,
and watch him self-destruct.
- Gotta go.
Can I borrow these?
- Where are you going?
- Can't stay in one place too long.
♪
- I'll contact you.
♪
Good luck.
- Hey, Sam!
Watch out for strangers wearing shoe phones.
♪
- Okay, when it comes to education,
your parents have three principle functions:
[horn honking] - One...
they drive you to school.
[whistle blows] - Two...
they sign permission slips to get you out of gym.
[horn honks] - Three...
they pick you from school.
Well, something unprecedented occurred at : this afternoon.
Clarissa Darling was stood up by Janet Darling.
Her own mother!
On the upside, I got to hang out
and meet all the guys at varsity practice.
Three of them asked me for my phone number.
They should be calling right around now.
But, remember, when your parents fail to perform
one of their three main duties properly, it's a warning sign.
Something is rotten in the house of Darling.
[sinister music]
[upbeat music]
- Oh, hi, Mom. - Hi, Clarissa.
- By any chance, did your watch stop today?
- My watch? I don't think so.
- Gee, didn't you have something special to do at, say,
- Let me see, :.
I got home from the children's museum at :.
And then I was right here.
Oh, I forgot to pick you up.
I'm sorry, Clarissa.
- Well, why do extra research on my book report anyway?
I can just observe what's going on around here.
- Here, have a cookie.
- Thanks, but no thanks.
- Hey, these are great.
They'd be perfect to pass out with my "Ferg for Pres" buttons
I designed. What do you think, huh?
- Has it occurred to anyone that someone else in this house
really should do more of this campaign work
so you can pay attention
to the more important things in your lives?
- Hey.
You wanna help?
- I don't think that's what she was getting at, dear.
[phone rings]
- Uh, that's probably for me.
♪
[clears throat]
Hello? [fax machine buzzing]
Oooh! What was that?
♪
- Who's the doofus that picked up the phone?
- What do you care? No one ever calls for you.
- For your information,
I'm in the middle of a Ferg Fact-athon.
- For your information,
I'm expecting a very important phone call.
Actually, three.
- Faxing is a very crucial element of my campaign strategy.
- What about my calls?
- I better get some more cookies.
- I better get some more buttons.
- Hey, Mom.
Dad?
Isn't this election getting a little out of hand?
And I thought Ferguson would self-destruct.
But he's already gained control of two critical resources,
Mom and Dad.
If they continue to sacrifice for the sake of the campaign,
it'll be one election after another
until he saps this family dry.
♪
Can you spare anything?
[coins clang] Bless you, sir.
- Sir? Sir, could you spare me...
- [cackling]
- As the only sane Darling left,
it's up to me to stop the little dictator
before the future falls into his hands.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Na na na na na
- ♪ Na na na na na
- Hi, Sam.
[spy movie music]
♪
- How's it going?
- I'm up to the part where the senator puts bugs
in his own mother's home.
You better watch out for Ferguson.
- The only bug in his campaign is Ferg-face himself.
I've gotta stop him.
- So he hasn't self-destructed yet?
- With Mom and Dad helping him,
he's Mussolini in the making.
- Hey, lighten up.
- But my parents are eating out of his creepy little hand.
- Do what double agents do.
Cut off his supply line.
- You mean get my parents to stop helping him?
- Exactly!
- I could try to have my parents kidnapped and deprogrammed.
- Good idea.
- But what if the person who reprograms them
has really bad taste? - Yeah.
They might be reprogrammed to like Wilson Phillips.
How about a more political solution?
- You mean like a coup d'état?
- Or a nonviolent protest.
- Cool, I like protesting.
I even have a talent for it.
- Or you could fall back on the ultimate political w*apon.
both: Blackmail.
- What's the most embarrassing thing
you can get on him?
- Everything Ferguson does is embarrassing.
- Any photos of him in a compromising position?
- Well, last night, I saw Ferguson in bed with...
[drum roll plays] - Yeah?
- His blankie.
- It's a good standby.
I might be able to get a sh*t of that
with my new infrared, remote-control spy camera.
- Thanks, Sam.
- Just call me Bond.
Sam Bond.
♪
- I better get started on my protest
and deliver my message to the powers that be.
Now, what do you wear to a protest?
♪
Okay, these were specialty clothes.
They were designed by a brilliant political strategist
in the 's to attract maximum attention.
Here's the basic look.
Pants with plenty of ankle room.
Fringe anywhere you can stick it.
And lots of love beads.
Kind of cool, huh?
Ferguson! - Get lost!
- Today's protest is a sit-in.
I've chosen the one place essential to daily life
in this family: the bathroom.
Normally, it's not polite to break into the bathroom
when someone is in there.
But it's just Ferguson practicing
his acceptance speech.
- What you can do for your class president.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you. - How about asking
what they can do to their class president?
- What do you want?
- This is my post.
I'm not leaving until I gain attention for my cause.
- And what might your cause be?
Clothing for the fashion deficient?
- Vacate, Wart Face.
♪ What do I want? Attention ♪
♪ When do I want it? Now ♪
♪ What do I want? Attention ♪
♪ When do I want it? Now
[mumbling] ♪ What do I want? Attention
♪ When do I want it? Now
♪ What do I want? Attention ♪
♪ When do I want
Figures the day I sit-in, nobody wants to come in.
[knocking at door]
- Finally.
- Clarissa? You in there?
We've been looking for ya.
- I'm in here, and I'm not coming out.
- You're not? Why not?
Aren't you feeling well? You got stomach troubles or...
- No, I'm in the middle of a sit-in.
- Oh.
Oh boy. [chuckles]
That reminds me of my college days.
["Twilight Zone" music plays]
- Dad. Dad! Dad!
- So, what's this sit-in all about?
- I'm staying in here to protest Ferguson's campaign.
He's taken over the house, and he's taken over you and Mom.
- Well, we were just trying to help out.
I'm sorry. - It's out of control.
- Well, it'll be over soon,sport.
The election is the day after tomorrow.
- Don't you realize the whole future is at stake here?
- What?Oh, hey.
That's sweet of you, sport, but don't worry about Ferguson.
He'll be all right even if he doesn't win the election.
Anyway, you wanna come down
and look at Ferguson's campaign commercial?
It's on the public access channel.
And remember, class elections only happen once a year.
- So much for the sit-in idea.
[wood crashes]
After Ferguson gets into power,
he'll make sure they won't be any more elections at all.
♪
- Yes, thanks.
Bye.
- Mom, did you tell people to watch?
- Yes, dear, everyone on your list.
- And were the postcards sent out?
- All .
- Here it comes!
[tense music]
Washington, Lincoln,
Quayle, and now...
Ferguson Jefferson Darling!
- I didn't know your middle name was Jefferson.
- His father Marshall Darling.
One of America's first astronauts.
His mother Janet, who defected from her native Romania
to dance with the New York City ballet.
And the tragic story of his sister Clarissa
who was raised by wolves.
- Wolves!
- Ferguson Jefferson Darling:
a man of the people, a man for the people,
a man with a lot of class.
Your next class president.
[applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Raised by wolves?
- An astronaut?
- Ferguson, don't you think it would have been better
to show us the way we really are?
- My polls show that the people want this type of leader.
- Ferguson, you don't have to be someone you're not.
- Raised by wolves!
- Wolves take excellent care of their young.
- Mr. President!
Results from your final poll are in.
- Excellent.
I'd better get back to work on my inaugural address.
- Well, it seems that most of our class
isn't sure who you are. - What?
This is unbelievable. There must be some mistake.
- But it gets worse.
They all know your sister.
- Clarissa?
- And they like her better.
♪
- What does your secret campaign strategy
say to do now, Mr. President?
- Et tu, Butthead.
- What was it like to be raised by wolves?
- How could this be happening?
Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be president.
- Of course you do, Ferguson.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
[phone rings]
- Hello? Darling residence.
Oh, hi. How are you, dear?
Oh, I see.
Marshall, it's your Aunt Betty.
She wants to know why you never told her you were an astronaut.
♪
- I'll take it in the kitchen.
- Just a second, Betty.
- Oh, I can never win now.
At least not without...
oh, favorite sister.
Dearest Clarissa!
Don't you want to help a noble cause?
- I'd rather taste barf pie.
- But you have to. You're my older sister.
- I thought I was raised by wolves.
- Big sis, I need your help. Let me bask in your glow.
Let me eat with you in the school cafeteria.
- You've gotta be kidding!
- All I'm asking for is one meal together.
- Nuh-uh.
- What'll take? I'll do anything.
- Anything?
- I'll even clean your room.
- Forget it. Then I'd have to let you in my room.
Okay, let's keep it simple.
You can't let Mom and Dad help you with this election,
or any election, or anything until you're .
- I won't. I swear. - And you get one lunch.
One quick lunch just you and me.
We get our trays separately.
We leave separately.
Five minutes together max.
- Deal.
- ♪ Na na na na na
- Ugh! Keep it up and the deal is off!
- Hi, guys, it's me! Ferguson!
Say hello to my big sister, Clarissa.
Say hi, sis.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Did you get it? - Got it, Mr. President.
Good, we'll put that in the school paper tomorrow,
and everybody will vote for me.
Let's get out of here.
See you later, sis.Thanks.
♪
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hey, guys. - Hi.
How'd your book reports go?
- Pretty well.
But Mr. Futstien didn't believe the part
about the car following me.
- Hey, just because you're paranoid
doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
- Good point.
- How'd yours go, sport?
- It went great.
Mr. Futstien said it sounded like a had a vivid grasp
on the potential for a tyrant to take over at any moment.
- Mm, yeah, it makes you wonder.
How many times have we come this close to world catastrophe,
and yet we manage to nip it in the bud?
- Well, more time than you think.
♪
- Well, Ferguson, how was your first day in office?
- If I ever figure out who switched that picture
of me and Clarissa with a picture of me and my blankie...
If that hadn't happened, I'd be president now.
- Yeah, but you know, Ferguson, being deputy chief hall monitor,
that's a very important position.
- All I know is, if the people want safe halls,
then that's what I'm gonna give them.
- How about Fergus-free halls?
- Oh by the way, sis.
See the principal first thing tomorrow morning.
- A citation for running in the halls today?
Hey, I wasn't running in the halls!
- Tell it to the judge.
- If absolute power corrupts absolutely,
then a little bit of power can turn a pest
into a colossal jerk.
- ♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
♪ Na na na na na
[thunder booming]