01x05 - Doorman

[bunniefuu]

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how can we play results noise

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are you ready for a hot night of chess

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you look terrific

yes okay the death of our love lives

okay glad it is Saturday night we have

two single men tonight we will be

painting town red painting I put on

overall stuff no no we will not work

tonight yeah we will go out to hot new

club I hear about and meet beautiful

american ladies yeah let's go

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Union

must be giving out free toilet paper

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whoa whoa whoa whoa hold up you guys on

the list uh I believe he's under Mr

Washington

uh perhaps then is under

mr241 coupon at Chase ciao yeah oh

there with us all right come on come on

too much

all right here we go

nice trial but you're not basketball

player excuse me uh I sh**t 30 home runs

tonight yeah homie I am old school

you guys really don't get it you don't

get into this this club unless you're

somebody

I'm crude

all right that's his Pool Boys brother

see you gotta be with the same to be

with the same you know I'm saying all

right

hey I know you're not gonna make this

Steve stand in line

ah come on look at these losers you have

to let the Steve in ahead of them you

wouldn't lose loser ah really a real man

can handle this liquor

that's it it's go time

emphasis

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thank you

who is causing all this trouble

Shannon Doherty trying to get into my

club again

it was you who knocked out man me no I

did not need little quick man you must

be strong like Hungarian bull Hungarian

I am Hungarian like Hungarian bull yeah

you're a Hungarian I have Hungarian you

are Hungarian I am Hungarian come into

my club yeah you will be my guest

tonight

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oh God

yeah it is

respect

I have dreams I am dreaming of this hi

what kind of car do you drive well I do

not have a car that is hot that is hot

what do you do I am not always employed

that's also Ed Begley Junior hot oh

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[Applause]

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right here

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on my tracks congratulations

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[Applause]

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it does not get better than this hey

wanna do a body sh*t I pour the Vodka on

my body and you slurp it off I was wrong

it does not get better than this

very good you should do a contest the

guy who can drink the most vodka wins

five thousand dollars

five thousand dollars that could go to

Anya's college fund drinking to help

child is every parent's dream I think I

can say for sure it does not get better

than this

here

hey my Hungarian stallion I was thinking

with the right hook like yours and the

balls of a man from Budapest how would

you like to be my new doorman would a

dog like to be outside

yeah he would I'll do it

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Vlad are you okay I am fine I'm here and

soaking in shank bathtub you are mixing

up your rooms again oh will that

explained by chair do not flush

well you are really drunk have you been

training all night for contest yeah I

have been training all night for contest

yeah yeah okay I start my doorman

training today are you going to be okay

I am fine get you here there is going to

be a contest

yeah yeah I heard

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okay

ah my Hungarian friend are you ready to

learn the ways of a doorman yeah I am

sir good you will be trained by the best

by a man who has worked all the best

stores 54 zeros he'll show you the ropes

these are the ropes they lead to the VIP

stars are taken back here where they

won't be bothered by the people they

have to thank for their success and this

is the even more VIP rule

and this is the m*rder of the idea

is everything secure

are you ready to begin your training

Abraham what has two thumbs and likes to

party this guy hey the 70s called for

you they want their clothes back

give it a try

and party I think the mall is still open

so why don't you see if you can buy new

attitude yeah

okay

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yeah that's the last one good now my

flaws

faster

good NASA tables I know you say you

would help me pray for drinking contest

but I do not understand how this helps

duh just do

good

restaurant is ready now you can go train

for contest

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go go go go go go go go go

let's go let's go

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thank you

you're ready

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you ready

yeah

excuse me I I know a man who works here

his name is yoshika

I did not recognize you you look

terrific I am here for contest

you are not done list

ah very funny you are good man yeah I am

good doorman so if you're not on list I

cannot let you in yo yoshiko what's

going on man slide right this way good

to see you

Oscar

I am your friend huh could you not let

me in the club

baby I am sorry but you are just not

important enough to get in

Advance job more important than

friendship blood is not personal if I

let you in I lose my job yeah this job

is My Ticket to Ride man do not ask me

to give up the ladies that power to

build that rope

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if only I was broke

come in come in

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oh man that is muy for real and to think

after everything you've done for him I

guess I cannot blame him he does not

want to lose job there will be other

five thousand dollar hot catering King

contests what did I just hear you giving

up before you even started expl*sive I

didn't throw away party long it's my

afternoon training you for nothing yeah

we're gonna get you into that contest

how yoshika is good daughter man we will

never get in are you kidding there is

always a way

I ever tell you how I got into this

country I had been planning it for

months

digging under the Rio Grande a little

bit each day

but I refuse to give up two weeks later

I went back to the same spot with the

same shovel and pickaxe set them down

and swam across

oh that's nothing my friend the

Pakistani government would never let me

leave with the nuclear knowledge I

possessed so I needed a disguise

allow the Blessed Beast to cross the

border

oh the gods were with me on that day

that ain't nothing compared to my story

I was looking to get out of Detroit

trouble was bus fare out of town costs

money you know what I'm saying luckily I

found a way to make some quick cabbage

40 dollars a day and all I had to do was

get naked with some foxy ladies

so that's how you escape from Detroit

you slept with women for a few hours few

hours I did it for three months hell

forget about bus fare I waited till I

had enough to buy myself a Cadillac and

drive here yeah Left Behind Some Broken

Hearts that day

you know I've slept with over a thousand

women all beautiful stories but you had

only to cross rivers and mountains and

state lines I must get past the Rope

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or

this one

she got my main man yo how do they hang

oh they hang really well sir they hang

like crazy

you are too good to stay door menu

forever I am opening up new place in

Vegas and you are going to run it for me

as manager sir you Count On Me

what do you think this one

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oh I told you to try the cow suit

hey seniors siesta's over this

themselves

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because I'm Mexican I automatically work

in a kitchen is that it

well you're Hungarian so that must be

that you own a nightclub how does it

feel to be on the other end oh God I

will disguise myself as Mexican man and

sneak into kitchen dude where do you

want to find a Mexican costume at this

hour

hey look a mariachi band and they're

skinny dipping

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hola amigos

Very Mexican dishwasher see do you enjoy

to eat the tacos as much as I

that Enrique Iglesias sure can't sing

see hey where do you think you're going

essay it's not break time yet not well

there's a pile of plateaus with your

name on it

foreign

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hey homes take it easy why are you

rushing I am not Russian I am Mexican

it's only five minutes until I drink us

oh no five minutes

slow it down you're making us look bad

in fact how about you take a break and

we'll take care of those dishes for you

oh thank you

break time

can you repeat that no Hometown Saint

Pete Roseburg

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[Applause]

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[Applause]

thank you

[Applause]

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it's go time Pancho oh contest has begun

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let me know that one person who can

drink like this yeah my mother she is

dead so it must be

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[Applause]

that man is not Mexican he is a red

coming Russian and of course his nose is

red he has been drinking Russians are

not to be trusted for 30 years they

ruled hungry they took everything away

they will not let a Russian win my money

get rid of that Bolshevik

[Applause]

I cannot do it oh yes you can if you

want to keep working for me but he's my

friend yeah but you are Hungarian how

can a Hungarian have a rusky friend I

don't know I just do

look every country has good people and

bad people blood is the best Russian

there is and you know what I think you

are the worst Hungarian I quit

now I fire you you fired you cannot fire

me because I have already quit I will

get rid of the kamiroski myself

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your name is not a list but

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I'm sorry but I had no no please I am

the one who's sorry friendship is more

important than being cool and you are my

best friend huh you are cooler than any

velvet Rock except like that third one

from the end but none of your cooler

even in there

[Applause]

this is my Club Ruskin and you didn't

win anything do you understand me

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say something

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look what you did to my hundred percent

polyester disco sword Prince

that's right

this is good night though

and finally it looks like I'm going to

b*at you at chest

look what I have for you

what Papa what is it it's money for your

college fund for you for college

thank you so much

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right there

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what

what's going on