02x25 - Tiger By The Tail

[bunniefuu]

This is me, eliza thornberry.

Part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom, and a sister.

There is donnie-- we found him.

And darwin? He found us.

(Jabbering )

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves.

'Cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show

And my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

(Panting )

And between you and me

Something amazing happened...

And now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool

But totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.


Darwin, quit monkeying around.

I want to get going.

I am not a monkey!

And I thought the commvee had to be extra clean

For your grandmother's visit.

(Faint growling )

A tiger!

I wonder if it's kalla. Come on!

Honey, don't forget to wash the mud off the wheels.

And see those little pebbles

Embedded in the tire treads?

Grandma will spot those a mile away.

Anyone have a nail file?

Mom, everything looks fine.

(Laughing nervously ): you're right.

Oh, why am I worrying, huh?

Debbie, did you put the guest sheets on grandma's bed?

Um, yes.

Nigel, are you almost finished

Recalibrating the satellite dish?

Yeah, dad, can I watch tv now?

In two shakes of a tapir's tale, poppet.

I just want to make sure we get all the channels.

Channels? As in more than one?

Debbie, you're not to hog the tv.

That's so your grandmother can watch her soaps.

I want to keep her nice and relaxed.

(Jabbering... )

The good sheets!

Girls, help me!

(Jabbering and laughing... )

Oops.

Sorry.

Girls, I know it's hard

For you to understand.

Grandma sophie is, well

Slightly critical of our life in the wild.

Not to mention a little nervous.

(Laughing ): nervous? She's a wreck.

And she's going to be an even bigger wreck

When she sees the formidable animal visitors heading our way.

(Growling )

Procedure three, kids!

(Yelling and jabbering )

(Bears growling... )

Oh, why couldn't my mother come visit us somewhere tame

Like... Well, like ohio?

Because we're in russia

To film the salmon spawning run, marianne.

If your mother went to ohio, I'm quite certain she wouldn't find us. (Laughs )

All right, we've got minutes to get this place shipshape again.

I'll check out the tv!

Grandma might want to watch something right away.

I could get some wood.

I bet grandma would like a nice, warm fire.

Good idea.

But watch out for those bears.

Don't worry about me, mom.

(Babbling )

Not so fast, young man.

You're getting a bath.

(Laughs ) why not waits till your mum gets here?

If memory serves, sophie usually brings a case of soap with her.

(Donnie yelping )

Right... The boy could use a little scrub behind the ears.

Come along, donnie.

Come on, come on.

We don't want to keep your grandmother waiting.

This is my only chance to look for kalla.

Right, the pesky little tiger.

Don't see her. Oh, well.

(Growling... )

(Gasps )

(Whimpering )

Shh...

(Snarling )

Eliza?

You scared me!

I scaredyou? (Laughs )

You're so... So big.

I know... Look at my teeth.

(Darwin screams )

Oh, hello... Lunch.

That wasn't funny last year and it isn't funny now.

(Laughs )

What do you want to do first, climb trees or swim?

I can't stay-- my grandmother's coming to visit.

Hey, can we meet somewhere tomorrow morning?

How about the riverbank?

Wait till you see me fish.

You fish? Oh... How healthy.

Why eat meat, I always say.

I fish... And hunt.

(Shrieks )

Oh, I better go.

It's great to see you.

You, too. See you tomorrow.

Bye!

(Gasps ) she's here!

Nigel, eliza, debbie, donnie!

Oh, don't you all look nice.

Now remember, grandma doesn't need to know about

Every little mouse, bug or bear we've seen.

Grandma!

Careful, dolly-- that last pothole threw off my inner ear.

Haven't you grown?!

Hi, grandma.

Can this beautiful young woman be debbie?!

Yeah, it's me.

Such a shame to hide your pretty face behind all that hair.

I'm sure I have

An elastic band in here somewhere.

One minute and she's already going through the purse.

Welcome to our humble camp, dearest mother-in-law.

You're positively radiant in the russian air.

Oh, nigel, you exaggerate.

I must look puffy near all this dreadful pine.

Hi, mom.

You remember donnie.

The little wild boy.

I love what you've done to his hair.

(Jabbering... )

Eww... Isn't that cute?

Has he had all his sh*ts?

Uh, mom, you must be tired, hmm?

Why don't you come inside and rest?

You can watch your favorite soaps before dinner.

You get decent reception out here?

Oh, yes. I rigged up a little something special for you, sophie.

Oh, nigel, you're always thinking of me.

Oh... (Laughs )

Grandma, how about a game of cribbage?

Maybe later, dolly... I didn't come

Halfway around the world to play cards.

I learned a wonderful trick in my great adventure class.

Great adventure class?

Yes, dear, they're all the rage back home.

You should take one.

(Grunts )

You meet such adventurous people.

(Grunting... )

Mom?

Smashing!

Go, grandma!

(Panting )

Sophie: what a gorgeous view!

I had no idea there was so much to this nature thing.

Can you see any bears from up there?

Bears?

Nigel, get my mother down before she faints.

Actually, dear one, she's safest up a tree... Unless she's got food.

Sophie, are you by chance carrying any foodstuffs?

Mom... Come down, please.

(Panting... )

Oh... Pine sap...

Good thing I brought plenty of soap.

My great adventure instructor

Told me I could get in shape to climb a mountain

In six months!

(Laughs ) sophie, this is simply amazing!

You've become an outdoor enthusiast.

Yes, mom, it is amazing...

Have you had a checkup recently?

I'm in perfect health.

(Coughing and wheezing )

Such a lovely fire.

Marianne, you should never use green wood-- I learned that in class.

Thanks for the tip.

Who wants dessert?

I made chocolate cake.

Oh, that's much too rich after pot roast.

Don't you have any dried fruit?

Dried fruit?

That's what all the outdoorsy people eat for energy.

Dear, you really must keep up.

Okay, I'll see what I can find.

Now, dolly, why don't you tell me about all the wild animals you've seen?

This morning I saw a huge siberian...

Ooh, ixnay... No... Ooh...

...uh, rabbit.

A rabbit?

It had... Really big ears?

Forget the bunny ears, what about the claws on those bears?

(Makes cutting noise )

Girls, pay no attention to your mother-- I can take it.

Tell me the truth.

Well... I saw a tiger.

Ah, the fearsome siberian tiger--

The largest cat in the world

Weighing in at kilograms.

That's pounds.

Oh... And to think I wouldn't let your mother

Play with the neighbor's poodle.

Well, good thing I brought this.

What's that thing?

Your father's penny collection.

It wards off strange animals.

(Rattling can )

Hey! Hey! Banzai!

(Yelping and hooting... )

I think I liked it better when she hid in the commvee with a flashlight.

(Yawning )

I'm going to ask kalla to come by camp

So grandma can see a tiger up close.

Hold it, did you just say you want your grandmother to see a tiger?

She'll love it!

(Growling... )

Kalla?

(Twig snaps )

(Snarling )

(Shrieks )

(Snarling )

(Screams )

She bit me.

She what?

Oh, I'll get that tiger!

What am I saying? She's a tiger!

But kalla's my friend.

Tigers don't have friends.

They just pretend to be your friend

Until they're big enough to eat you.

Maybe you're right.

Let's go home, darwin.

(Man speaking russian )

(Speaking russian )

Oh, what good is a tv if nobody speaks english?!

(Speaking russian... )

...svetlana.

(Tearfully ): oh...

(Speaking russian... )

Well... It's better than nothing.

Mom... Are you sure

You want to go with us?

We're just filming establishing sh*ts of the river.

I've never seen you work, dear.

Besides, I've got on all my great adventure gear:

Headlamp, space blanket, emergency chocolate...

Mom, we're just going over there.

You never know what can happen

(Donnie jabbering... )

Ah! We'll all get rabies!

Oh...

Wasn't that exciting?

What a charming little animal.

Mom, why don't you stay here?

No, I'm going, and that's final!

Oh, what happened to your hand, poppet?

Nothing, it's just a scratch.

Eliza, we're filming

Near the river-- want to come?

No!

I mean, uh... I just got back.

I'm kind of tired.

Okay, honey.

My daughter wants to stay home

And my mother wants to go.

What's next, flying pigs?

Oh...! Ooh.

(Air hissing )

Grandma, are you sure you'll be okay?

To tell you a little secret, I'm not sure.

Why don't you stay?

We've got to stare down our nightmares, dolly.

Hey, you two...

Wait for me!

(Speaking russian... )

(Jabbering )

(Speaking russian... )

Oh, yuri...!

What's this?

Shh... Yuri just told svetlana he's leaving her for olga!

You don't speak russian.

You're so young.

The language of soap opera is universal.

Now be quiet!

(Soap opera continues... )

Uh, deb, can I talk to you?

(Sighs ) if you must.

(Turns off tv )

What would you do if you thought someone was your friend

But then they did something that was totally not friendly?

What, you mean like what yuri did to svetlana?

Yeah, okay, okay... So, what if svetlana is scared to ever leave camp--

I mean, her apartment-- again?

That is totally unrealistic.

Svetlana is a cosmonaut and a supermodel.

She thrives on danger!

(Sighs )

(Soap opera resumes... )

Ooh...

(Jabbering and hooting... )

(Disgusted ): uh!

(Bumps head, grunts )

That's it, out!

(Donnie jabbering... )

What am I going to do?

I suppose you'll want to explore.

Why does everyone want me to explore?!

I told you, I am staying right...

(Screams )

(Growling )

...here.

(Growling )

Stay away!

What's wrong?

We're not friends! You bit me!

You think I bit you? Eliza...

Don't come any closer... Oh!

(Gasps )

Really, marianne, I'm fine.

It's just a blister.

Eliza!

(Growling )

Stay perfectly still!

Grandma, no!

(Rattling can )

Shoo, you big tiger!

Mom!

Sophie!

Hey! Hey! Banzai!

(Growling )

Huh, huh, hi-ya! Shoo!

Oh... Come on... Are you okay, honey?

Are you all right?

I'm okay, mom.

You could have been hurt!

What on earth were you doing?!

Scaring the tiger.

I saw it on one of your documentaries.

Oh, I remember that show.

I was surrounded by tigers with nothing at my disposal

Save a coat hanger and three breath mints.

Oh, quick thinking, sophie.

Thank you, nigel.

I'm glad someone approves.

(Donnie laughing... )

(Crash, buzzing )

Debbie: aah! My show!

(Whooping... )

What's going on?!

Okay, what did I miss?

I hate to leave all this excitement, marianne

But we really must get to those salmon before nightfall.

Why don't we all go?

(Laughs ) river rafting?

But mom, what about your blister?

Oh, it's fine.

Besides, I've barely seen the girls.

An excellent idea.

Oh, sophie, come inspect the fleet.

Did you put grandma up to this?

Yeah, right, like I want to go out there where there's tigers and who knows what else!

(Jabbering... )

Great, my tv's broken and even my sister has freaked out.

Why couldn't my parents be dentists?

(Grunting... )

Yow!

Nigel: the water gets a bit choppy ahead

And then we come to a waterfall where we'll see the salmon.

Mom, can you handle

The paddling okay?

Of course I can.

We did a trial run in my great adventure class

And I aced it!

Of course the rapids were a duck pond

And all I did was hand out sandwiches.

You don't know how to raft?

No, but you do, don't you?

Yeah, but, what if... I mean...

What if you see that tiger again?

How did you know?

Oh, I know something about being scared.

All my life I've been cautious.

You weren't afraid of that tiger.

I wasn't about to let anyone hurt my granddaughter.

I'll never be as fearless as your mother, of course.

But you certainly can

Eliza.

Marianne: mom! Eliza!

Pull your raft next to ours.

We'll anchor here. (Grunting )

(Grunting... )

Marianne...

Look!

You're on, honey.

As dependable as the eternal tick-tock of big ben

So is the yearly ritual of salmon swimming upstream.

A timeless instinct motivates these finny fellows...

Uh, nigel, behind you.

Oh, thank you, lovey

And I'm behindyou in everything you do, %!

No, look behind you!

(Gasps )

(Roaring )

Lord nelson's trousers!

We must have stumbled on their hunting grounds!

Nigel, help me move the rock so we can pull up the anchor.

(Grunting... )

(Roaring )

Marianne!

Mom, I know you don't approve of how we live

But now is not the time to remind me!

Honey, I don't disapprove...

I worry.

(Growling )

With good reason, I might add.

Oh, I should never have let you come out here.

Now you'll worry all the time.

So what?

Honey, this is your life.

If this makes you happy, I'm happy.

Really?

Really.

Oh, mom...

A splendid reconciliation, ladies

But we really need to scare these bears away!

The sophie method, everyone!

(Hooting and yelling... )

(Growling... )

(Gasps )

(Hooting and yelling... )

(Gasps )

(Roaring... )

(Roaring... )

Oh...

Oh, whoo...

Next time I want to get out of the house

I'm taking a ceramics class.

Kalla?

Are you out there?

I came to thank you for saving us.

Are you still mad?

No... Are you?

I never was.

I was just hunting.

Oh...

Sorry.

So we're still friends?

Of course.

Hey, did I show you my teeth?

Yeah...

But check out mine.

(Laughs )

(Laughing... )

Marianne, that borscht was delicious!

You must send me the recipe.

Thank you.

Oh, mom, I wish you didn't have to go.

You just got here.

I know, but I've had a wonderful time.

And besides... (Chuckles )

I miss your father.

Sophie, it's been a privilege...

And an honor, and... (Sniffling )

Oh, pook, I promised I wouldn't cry.

(Slurps )

Ick... Oh...

I have a comb in here somewhere.

Mom, we've got combs.

You need one with extra-wide teeth.

Oh, where is it?

Girls, say good-bye to your grandmother.

Bye, grandma.

Thanks for the cheese crunchies.

Mmm... (Chuckles )

Don't forget to write and tell me all about your adventures.

All of them, grandma?

Of course!

All the nice, safe ones.

Good-bye, dolly.

(Helicopter whirring )

Mom, do you have everything?

Remember to wear your seat belt and your parachute.

Oh, wait, I've got some gum here somewhere.

Dear, I'm so proud.

You are?

Yes... You've become me!

Oh...

Bye, grandma! See you soon!

Bye...

Have a safe flight...

Bye, sophie...

I love you...

Oh-- thanks for the soap!


Svetlana: oh, yuri... Oh, yuri...