02x24 - Black and White and Mom All Over

[bunniefuu]

This is me, eliza thornberry

Part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom, and a sister.

There is donnie-- we found him.

And darwin? He found us.

(Jabbering )

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves

'Cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show

And my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

(Panting )

And between you and me

Something amazing happened...

And now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool

But totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.

(Grunting )

(Laughs )

Finally, a glimmer of civilization.

(Squeals )

It's even better than the picture.

Wow, those trendy catalogues will deliver anywhere.

Debbie, you know signal flares

Are only to be used in an emergency.

It's been eight months

Two weeks, ten days and hours

Since I've been in a mall.

Thisis an emergency.

(Bird calls )

(Chuckles ): how does it look?

Nigel: marianne!

Start the camera!

A giant panda has wondered right into our midst.

Oh, heavens.

(Chuckles ): I'm so sorry, debbie.

These night-vision goggles work smashingly

But only when one is in the dark.

In the light, one is in the dangerous position

Of mistaking one's lovely daughter

For a big hairy bear.

(Guffaws )

Good test, nigel.

Well, I think we're ready to take off.

This is your last and final offer

To have the assistant of your dreams accompany you

For no cost whatsoever.

Oh, no, pumpkin, the trip across the dadu river

And up into the qionglai mountains

Is a treacherous one for a -year-old.

Not to mention we'll probably have to wait

All day in the cold and damp

And there's still no guarantee

We'll see a panda.

But what's the point of coming to china

If I don't get to meet... I mean, see a panda?

You're half right.

What's the point of coming here at all?

Not to worry, poppet.

If we don't catch a panda on film

We'll pay a visit

To the wulong natural reserve to see one.

Any questions before we leave you in charge?

Uh-huh, do you think this looks better on me

With the hood up or down?

We'll start back at sundown

Whether we've gotten footage or not.

Nigel and marianne: bye.

Okay, miss in-charge, what do we do now?

I do my kick boxing workout

And you kids leave me alone.

Man (on tape ): kick, baby, punch, baby

Kick, baby, punch, baby, kick, baby...

(Grunting )

(Babbles ): baby, baby, baby.

(Grunting )

Kick, baby, punch, baby, kick, baby...

Kick, baby, punch, baby...

(Shouts karate call )

Kick, baby, punch, baby...

Bye-bye.

(Babbles )

Darwin: this is a bad idea

In ten different ways: one, we could be eaten

By the very pandas you seek.

No, we won't, darwin.

Pandas are supposed to be friendly, but they're shy.

That's why I need debbie's jacket.

If my dad thought this jacket was a panda

Maybe so will another panda.

Two, debbie could come after us

Which will be worse than being eaten.

But debbie won't even notice we're gone.

Three...

Look, I am not going to be deprived

Of a panda encounter

Just because my parents think

I'm years old.

Youare years old.

What's your point?

(Water rushing, wind gusting )

(Guffaws )

Nigel, am I imagining it

Or are we awfully close to the doldrums?

Something got you down, poppet?

Not those doldrums.

I'm talking about the monsoon--

The changing winds?

Oh, of course.

Not to worry.

It's nowhere near monsoon season.

Kick, baby, punch, baby.

And that's a t.k.o. On round one.

Now it's time to break for some rehydration

And a burst of protein.

(Panting )

(Gulping )

(Sighs )

Hmm, maybe later.

(Babbling )

Quit it, nature boy.

Go play with eliza.

(Gulping )

(Babbling )

(Chomping )

Out of there!

You'll ruin my jacket.

Hey, where is my jacket?

(Jabbers )

Eliza!

You, stay here till I get back!

(Jabbers ): eliza.

(Whispers ): they're not falling for my panda act, darwin.

Throw me down some bamboo.

(Grunts )

Mmm, yummy.

Yummy, oh, yum.

Danger number two!

Danger number two!

What are you talking about?

Your sister.

Debbie: eliza thornberry

Take off my jacket right now!

I don't want to mess it up when I get my hands on you!

(Screaming )

(Thud )

Ow.

Shh.

(Debbie panting )

I know you're here somewhere, you thief.

(Gasps, then shrieks )

I can't believe you threw my jacket in the dirt!

How rude!

(Gasps )

(Mewls )

You are definitely not my jacket.

(Mewls )

(Whines )

Darwin, that panda cub just called my sister "mommy."

(Whimpering )

Nice panda.

(Chuckles ): cut that out.

Seriously, go away.

Okay, I've got something for you.

(Mewls )

Here, take this.

Okay, I owe you big time.

Hey, you know

My coral necklace you like so much?

It's yours.

You should go get it

From my jewelry box in the commvee now.

The matching bracelet, too?

Sure, whatever you say. Bye.

(Mewls )

(Grunts )

And you owe me a protein bar.

(Mewls )

Hi.

(Moans )

(Fussing )

Oh!

What's the matter with him?

He's just shy.

Oh, don't be frightened, little panda.

What's your name?

Shi shou.

I want my mommy.

Why'd she run away?

That wasn't your mom.

That was my sister.

She's a human, like me...

Well, not exactly like me.

Don't you know what your own mother looks like?

I just opened my eyes for the first time.

But my mommy has lots of hair and brings me food

Just like that one.

Shouldn't we leave

Before his real mother comes back

And decides to eat us?

Darwin, what if shi shou doesn't have a mother?

What if he's abandoned?

Why else would such a little cub be all alone?

Shi shou: mommy!

He's going to find debbie.

Oh, shi shou, wait for us!

(Babbling )

Ketchup, mustard-- lunch.

So you'll get the rest of your vegetables

At your next meal.

(Hoots )

(Slurps loudly )

(Laughing )

(Jabbers ): oh...

Ahh.

Break's over, kick boxers.

Time to glove up for round two.

Kick, baby, punch, baby, kick, baby, punch, baby...

(Debbie grunting )

(Babbling )

Kick, baby, punch, baby, kick, baby, punch, baby...

(Babbling )

Freeze!

(Stops babbling )

Ta-dah!

(Shi shou mewls )

(Debbie gasps )

(Yelps )

Ohh...

Does the universe not want me to have this jacket?

(Mewls )

(Panting )

Why is this crazy panda following me?

Never mind.

I'll take care of him.

(Mewling )

So, take care of him already!

I'm trying.

Come on, shi shou.

What did you call it?

Uh, I just made it up.

He kind of looks like a shi shou, doesn't he?

(Mewling )

Come on, shi shou, let's go climb trees.

No, thanks.

I want to play with my mommy.

You'd rather play with her?

Yeah, isn't she great?

(Grunting )

(Mewling )

(Yelps )

Gross, bear germs!

(Coughs, sputters )

I thought you were going to take this bear away!

Like it or not, this cub has picked you

So you have to take care of him.

No way! I'm not baby-sitting that fur ball.

I don't get you.

Who wouldn't want the chance

To hang out with a baby panda?

I would.

So, you take him!

I told you, he wants you, not me.

(Babbling, laughing )

Forget it, what was I thinking?

You can barely keep donnie out of trouble

Let alone baby-sit an abandoned panda cub.

(Moans )

Come on, baby, come on.

Oh, yeah? Well, mom and dad must think I'm pretty capable.

They put me in charge, didn't they?

(Whistles )

Come here, bear!

(Mewls )

(Gulps loudly )

(Birds calling )

Hey, I'm reading here.

(Whimpers )

(Donnie babbling )

(Shivering )

One jacket, hand washed, cold.

Are you happy now?

Happy?

Let's see.

Um, I'm still stuck in a forest

Hundreds of miles from civilization

With no one to interact with but stinky animals and you

So... No.

But it looks like you did a decent job

Of cleaning my jacket.

See that, bear?

Don't even think about...

Bear?

(Whimpering )

Debbie, you've got to play with shi shou.

He's just a baby.

All right, I'll play!

(Debbie grumbling, groaning )

That little cub is really not that cute.

(Whimpering )

Okay, it is.

Debbie doesn't even like animals.

It's not fair.

All I wanted to do today was meet a panda

And now debbie's hogging him.

(Grunts )

(Wind howling )

Maybe we'll see one from there.

You're right.

It's the perfect spot to set up the camera

And wait for our elusive furry subject.

Well done, darling.

(Sighs )

I wonder what debbie thinks she's doing now.

Not that I care.

Here, you lucky bear.

(Through clenched teeth ): now, play in there and leave me alone.

Why are you looking at me like that?

All little kids like forts.

Watch.

(Jabbering )

Donnie... In there.

(Shrieking with delight )

(Donnie jabbering )

(Sighs )

(Donnie laughing and jabbering )

(Growls playfully )

Darwin, she's ignoring him.

We've got to find

Shi shou's mother or father

Or foster panda.

Anyone would be better than my sister.

Come on!

(Hooting )

(Donnie jabbering )

(Shi shou squeaking, donnie jabbering )

You know, for a total nuisance, you're kind of cute.

(Thunder )

(Sighs )

We've got to find shi shou a mother

Before mom and dad come back

Or they might take him to the panda reserve...

If they can drag him away from debbie.

(Ox grunts nearby )

What about those nice black-and-white oxen?

Your panda cub would blend right in.

There's more to motherhood than looks.

(Snarling )

(Shrieks )

(Whimpering )

You're trying to give away a panda cub?

I'd be happy to take it off your paws for you.

Where is the little morsel?

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Come on, darwin.

What about your tasty friend there?

(Shrieking wildly )

(Eliza screams )

(Growling )

(Desperately ): can we go home?

No.

Okay, I give up.

Debbie's won.

The baby panda likes her best

And there's nothing I can do about it.

Female voice: baby panda?

What baby panda?

His name is shi shou...

That's my cub!

He was asleep when I went to get food.

(Bridge creaking )

(Whimpers )

Where's shi shou?

Who took my baby?!

(All screaming )

(Gasping )

Shi shou...!

My baby!

Don't worry!

Shi shou is safe!

Lucky him!

(Grunting and groaning )

Eliza: we've got to get back to camp

Before that mother panda goes after debbie!

(Wind blowing, donnie jabbering, shi shou squeaking )

Hey, hey, hey, you slow down.

Do I have to separate you two?

Got you!

You two have to settle down or else.

(Yells ) (squeaks )

(Thunder )

Okay, that's a little close to home.

(Whimpering )

(Panting and gasping )

(Thunder )

I guess we'll have to take shelter here

Until the storm passes.

Splendid!

That gives me a chance to use my night-vision goggles!

Oh, I don't know, nigel.

We have no idea how deep this cave goes

Or what might be back there.

Well, that's precisely the point.

With these, I can see perfectly.

(Goggle motor buzzing )

(Mumbles contentedly )

Nigel: mmm, now...

There's some dry bamboo, a fascinating rock formation...

(Gasps )

Oh, and over there is an enormous leopard!

Did you say "leopard"?

Nigel: marianne, with these goggles

I can see every spot.

(Wind howling )

(Donnie yelling )

Eliza! Darwin!

Get back here right now!

Oh, where are those guys?!

I know.

I'd say this counts.

(expl*si*n )

Debbie, there's a...

(Screams )

(Darwin hooting )

(Screaming )

(Huffing furiously )

(Whistles )

Everybody be quiet and do what I say.

Eliza, help me get everybody inside-- now!

Come on, donnie!

Come on, go, go, go!

Come on, hurry up, move!

You, too, bear.

(Thunder )

(Grunting and groaning )

(Static crackling )

I can't raise the girls on the radio.

Nigel, we've got to get back to camp.

I agree, darling

But this leopard has other plans.

What do you say I toss her

The knapsack with our food

And then we run for our lives?

There!

(Growling and ripping )

(Thunder )

(Wind howling outside )

We're totally safe in here.

Are we really?

Would you feel better if I said no?

No.

Then I won't say it.

Hey, know what's great in a storm?

Cocoa.

We don't have any, remember?

We had to throw it out

After donnie stuck his toes in it.

(Jabbering )

No problem-- we have pudding mix.

You like your cocoa thick, don't you?

(Huge thunderclap )

(Jabbering and yelling )

(Whimpering )

I'm going to try mom and dad

On the radio again.

Stir.

(Donnie and darwin hooting and jabbering )

(Sighs )

(Panting and slurping )

(Softly ): shi shou, I found your real mother

And she's probably going to be here any second.

(Giggling ): you're silly.

My mommy's here.

Doesn't she take good care of me?

Think, shi shou.

You've known your real mom a few months.

Close your eyes and describe her

The way you remember her

Before you opened your eyes.

Well, she brings me food and she grooms my fur

And her nose is kind of cold and wet.

(Panda crying outside )

(Metal clattering )

(Crying )

(Sniffing )

(Groaning )

(Radio signal whistling )

Are you nuts?

Shut the door!

(Sniffing )

(Slurping hungrily )

Mommy?

Come here, shi shou.

(Happily ): oh...

(Giggles )

(Shouts )

What's that bear doing here?

(Panting )

Back off!

It's okay, debbie.

I'm pretty sure this is shi shou's real mother.

(Distant thunder )

(Whimpering )

If I had to guess

I bet that was "good-bye and thanks."

It's about time that fur ball went home.

What do I look like-- day care?!

I hate to say this, but you weren't bad at it.

In fact, you did a pretty good job

Taking care of all of us.

Well, don't tell anyone, okay?

If mom and dad find out

They might get used to the idea.

Okay, enough sisterly bonding.

Now, back inside.

You're soaking wet, and I'm still in charge.

Marianne: oh, is everyone all right?!

Thank goodness you were all together in the storm!

Well, eliza and the monkey were out

But I sent up a flare.

Debbie, I'm so proud of you!

Yes, well done, poodles.

We knew we could count on you.

(Shrieking )

Hey, donnie!

Give me that back!

Eliza: I'll block, you tackle.

I got you now, you little savage!

Our family is the wildest life I know.

Well, naturally.

They're thornberrys, aren't they?

(All shouting and laughing playfully )

Nigel: yippee-yi-ay!

Darwin: that little cub is really not that cute...

Okay, it is.