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Camp Host, The (2024)

Posted: 03/26/24 20:10
by bunniefuu
Oh, yeah, no,

it's stuck! It's-it's--

Put it away, you're

gonna break the zipper again.

No, baby, it's--

What?

I think I know

how to open a tent, okay?

Oh, apparently not.

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah,

you're the zipper expert.

Oh my, oh my God!

Are you okay?

- You alright?

- No.

I'm sorry.

Shh. It's past quiet hours.

Oh, my God,

I thought we came here

to escape the rules of society?

We're 50 feet away

from flushing toilets

and quarter operated showers.

This is not exactly

backcountry life.

Yeah, no,

not with that attitude.

-Just saying.

-Oh, my God, babe,

did you see those stars

though, like

you can't

get that shit in the city

and the smell of the trees,

right?

And like that,

the sound of the crickets.

It's all just so wild.

Like everything here is buzzing

with life, you know?

Very poetic.

I'm serious, you know, like,

like, at any

given moment, you and I,

we could get mauled by a bear.

And, I'd be okay with it.

-Don't say that.

-I will, I'm totally--

-That's awful.

-It's not awful.

It's beautiful.

You know, like,

we would feed the bear

and then, like,

we would fuel the ecosystem.

And we'd be a part of nature,

you know, and-and-and-and

we would,

we would become a part of

something bigger than us.

You know what I'm saying?

I wanna get wild tonight,

like...

Let's get like,

f*cking primitive, you know.

Okay, but you need to be quiet

and then I'm

going right to sleep.

I have work on the morning

so I can't stay all night

deconstructing nature with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

that all, that all sounds good.

-Good.

-That sounds good.

Oh, my God. I thought

the tent was hard to get into.

Let me try.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, the fire.

Oh, that's okay.

The camp host said

that we have to extinguish

all the fires

and never leave them

-unattended.

-Unattended. No, I know.

She says

that bullshit to everybody.

I don't think the fire is gonna

jump out and bite us.

-You know what I mean?

-Oh, really.

What about your precious trees?

f*ck the trees, right?

-Is that a bear?

-No, shit.

Oh..

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, what, what does it want?

I don't know, food.

Oh, f*ck. I left some food out.

I left some food out.

Uh...

Oh, ca-can you do something?

Are you crazy?

I'm not going out there.

What do we do?

What do we do? What do we do?

-You're Davy-f*cking-Crocket.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. We're gonna die.

Oh, f*ck, we're gonna die.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Get out of here bear.

Get the hell out.

Huh, babe...

What was that you're saying

about being mauled?

Oh, you know,

I-I wasn't scared, so...

Oh, you weren't? Okay.

Yeah, like that'd be--

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! No! Don't!

Jen, stop! Stop it!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Look out!

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-What happened?

-You happened.

You almost hit that turtle.

You scream

bloody m*rder over a turtle?

Jesus Christ, Sadie,

you could have k*lled us.

I could have k*lled us?

Yeah, okay,

I hope that that text message

you sent was worth all of our

lives, Meeka included.

No.

Not Meeka's.

Can you ever

just pay attention?

- You wanna drive?

- What?

Miss out on the opportunity

to tell you what to do?

Not a chance.

It's your van, too.

Most people our ages

own a house.

Gross.

Equity, appreciation,

investments.

You know, real adult stuff.

Instead, we bought a used van.

Technically,

the bank bought the van.

-We just make payments.

-Don't you want to have a house?

You know, something

that you can call your own?

No. We just spent

the last two and a half years

trapped inside the house.

The last thing

I want to do is be...

committed to the same four walls

for the rest of my adult life.

I mean, look at this,

I've got a road

to endless possibilities

and experiences in front of me,

and I'm not gonna

miss out on that.

Yeah, what else

could a guy need?

Gee, I don't know. Besides for

you to stop texting for once.

Hey, I'm not

even texting, baby.

I'm looking for our song.

All right, fine.

Maybe this was worth dying for.

...human remains

consistent with the description

of a missing Florida couple,

who were last seen,

camping in the Upper

Peninsula.

No foul play has been detected

as evidence shows

that they were likely

victims to a bear attack.

Man, internet sleuths have been

tracking these guys for weeks.

America loves

a missing white people story.

Actually, you know,

remember that one about

the Mexican girl

who was kidnapped

while camping with her parents?

-No.

-Exactly.

Oh, the campsite's

coming up on the right here.

I'm so happy

we're not camping in Michigan.

Bears and yoopers,

can you imagine?

There's the Camp Host.

- She's pretty.

- Hm.

Wow, California.

Well, you're

a long way from home.

Yeah, tell me about it. We've

been on the road for a while.

Feels like it's been a year.

It's been three weeks.

This drama queen over here

is my husband, Ed

and I'm Sadie.

Still, three weeks is a long

time to take off work.

Yeah, I-I work remotely,

and she...

I, uh, I'm...

Well, I'm sort of

between things right now.

You know, it's,

it's complicated, you know.

But I'm figuring it out. Yeah.

Hey, I get it.

It's early retirement.

That seems to be

the trend with you kids now.

- Really?

- Well, sure.

And I don't blame you either.

I mean,

the whole world's crumbling.

Who wants to work?

Nothing matters anymore.

And who wants to be

the band on the Titanic?

Exactly.

See, that's why we packed up

and, you know,

and decided to...

Fly north.

You coming back home?

Unplug and get back to nature.

Where are you from, baby bird?

Um, the...

San Fernando Valley. .

Oh. City life making you

a bit crabby.

-Pardon?

-You know what I mean.

Where are you really from?

I could smell

the thunderstorm in you.

That actually might be Meeka.

He got skunked

a few states back.

I'm from Hawaii. You ever been?

So, you two want a campsite?

I think I got a couple to spare.

We don't get many campers

this time of year.

What do you think.

20 bucks?

I'll throw in a couple

of bundles of firewood.

Really?

That's a deal.

- Hop on out here.

- What are you doing?

-I don't know.

-Help me with the wood,

and I'll give you

the law of the land.

They're pit toilets.

There's nothing fancy.

And there's no running water,

so don't put anything in them

that you would

not put in the ground.

What's in the bowl?

Gratitude stones.

They're for you

to keep on your person.

Put one in your pocket

and it'll remind you

to be grateful

for everything around you.

Nice.

This is your site.

Cute dog.

I like pets.

I have one myself.

Really? What kind?

My kind.

Keep the pup on a leash

and keep your eye

on him at all times.

He's adorable

and he will want to roam.

But to many

of the critters around here,

he is also very tasty.

We've had

a few bear sightings recently,

so you've got

to watch out for predators.

Oh, sweet. Bear sightings.

That's awesome.

Maybe we can end up in the news

like that Florida couple.

That's why I got bear spray

bagged with me.

Oh, that's good. Just in case

you wanna season yourself

before the bear eats you.

-Seriously?

-That stuff doesn't do diddly.

If you see or hear anything

suspicious, you come to me.

I keep a loaded revolver

in my camper at all times.

That does not

make me feel any better.

There's no bars.

Did you hear what I just said?

You said something.

Never leave

your fires unattended,

and always extinguish them

when you're done.

Do not burn my forest down.

It's gonna be here

a lot longer than you two.

Been three days, and I

frickin' can't get this thing...

Oh, that's Frank.

He came in here

a couple of days ago.

Good storyteller

if you get him going.

Freaking thing!

He's kind of cute, right?

Hey, you need a hand?

-What?

-Such a social butterfly.

Dude's struggling.

-Do you need a hand?

-What?

Maybe we could

try smoke signals.

Do you need a hand?!

Jesus Christ, Ed,

just let it go.

Leave me alone!

You're right. He is kind of

cute. I like him.

Jeez Louise.

I don't get it, man.

Like the sun's supposed to give

dudes hella energy,

but I'm just getting

more f*cking tired.

Like, what is going on?

Yeah, that's because

it's not the real sun.

The real shit died

a long time ago.

You know you said

that out loud, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Quiet hours begin at 10:00 p.m.

I can already tell I'm gonna

have a problem

with these knuckleheads.

You can let it rip

until 10:00 p.m.

But if I hear you when the clock

strikes witching hour,

you are breaking the rules.

Don't blame me, man.

I ain't NASA.

Hey, man, pick up your trash.

Everything you bring into this

campsite, you take out.

You dispose of

your waste properly.

Leave no trace.

Pack in, pack out. Got it.

You've got it, Thunderbird.

I think you've done this before.

Looks like you got

a promotion, Thunderbird.

Any questions?

Yeah, what about reception?

Ed.

Your best option

is over by the bathrooms.

Everywhere else

is pretty much a dead zone.

Great.

What are you, uh...

What are

you working on over here?

Oh, that's silly.

I paint Native American art

in my free time.

Native American, huh?

Yeah,

my great grandma was Blackfoot,

so the ancestors

run through me, too.

You know, I can hear their

voices when I'm painting.

Well, okay.

Thank you so much

for getting us set in. I, uh...

don't think I caught your name.

I'm the Camp Host.

-Right, but your-your name--

-You know what?

I don't usually do this,

but I feel this amazing

connection with you

and I would be a fool

not to nurture that energy.

Right.

How would you like...

to see the most spectacular

swimming hole

you have ever seen?

It is so hidden,

you have to wade

through a river to find it.

Isn't it a little cold

for swimming?

Even if you don't take a dip,

there is so much

to discover over there.

It is your

own private paradise.

It's totally off the grid,

and the only people who know

about it are you and me.

-Mm.

-And if you go now,

you'll be able to get there.

There's still enough light.

-I--

-I mean, I'd take you myself,

but I have got

some duties around here.

Oh, oh, you can't go?

Oh, damn.

It sucks. Uh...

How far is it?

Okay, but you have

to keep this a secret.

Uh-huh. Yeah, scout's honor.

Seriously,

you cannot tell a soul.

Hold up.

- Oh.

- Breaking all the rules.

Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Tell the camp host?

Yeah, just don't blame me

if he becomes bear bait.

I got to pee.

Don't you think...

she's a little nutty?

A little? That lady did one

too many dr*gs in the 70s.

- She hasn't come down yet.

- Right?

I mean, what was up with

that thunderstorm stuff anyway?

Yeah, that was weird. It's like

she knew you were native

and she was trying

to impress you or something.

No, that's not it.

Well, don't let it bother you.

It's just...

one night, and then

this place is in our rear view.

She was being reductive.

You didn't see it.

I grew up with entitled people

like her telling me who I am

and where I do and don't belong.

-Mm-mm.

-She was challenging me.

Challenging you at what?

No, you wouldn't understand.

An art contest?

Don't even get me started on

that f*cking art.

What if we just left today,

hmm?

After the swimming hole.

I could book us

another place to stay.

Yeah, like another rest stop

with more

dispersed camping and,

oh, a bathroom without water.

Sweet.

-She makes me uncomfortable, Ed.

-Mm-hmm.

I swear, I don't like

being around her.

We don't even know her name.

I mean, isn't that a red flag?

Sadie, she is

a kooky old white lady.

She's doing exactly

what she's supposed to do.

-I'm being serious.

-So am I.

She's harmless.

Plus, she's just a camp host.

What's the worst she can do,

kick us out?

We live in a van.

She's whatever.

Don't let it bother you, okay?

Don't let it take your energy.

It is just one night.

And you can

survive one night, can't you?

-Why don't you just, um...

-I guess.

relax and...

enjoy the view?

I'm enjoying it right now.

I'm enjoying the view.

I swear to God, Ed,

don't you dare.

Hmm. Babe.

-Don't you dare. Don't take it.

-But...

Come on, Thunderbird.

Ah! Ow!

-Give me that.

-Don't you dare.

-Come and get it if you want.

-You get back here with that.

-Yeah. I know.

-Let's go.

-It's going in the water.

-Meeka, come on.

-Sadie get back here.

-I don't care.

Give me my phone.

She said it was

gonna be amazing, I swear.

She seemed pretty convinced.

All right, this is where

we're supposed to enter.

Wait, through there?

-Uh-huh.

-This time of year? No.

What? Don't you wanna see

what paradise looks like?

Not if it means I see

what hypothermia looks like.

Well, you know...

you don't have to go in, but...

me and your, uh, phone.

God damn it.

- No.

- We'll be in the water.

Okay. Okay.

Careful with that, that's...

No. Okay.

There's got to be a better way

to get to paradise.

Yeah.

Let's go, Meeka.

Wow.

- Oh, my God.

- Whoo.

It's perfect.

Yeah, it's all right.

It's, you know...

Get some water,

rocks, basic nature shit.

God, you're such a d*ck.

Kidding. It's amazing.

I'm so glad we're not in there

'cause I would definitely

get a brain eating nematode.

No, we'll be fine.

Probably bottle that

and sell it at Gelson's

for like, six bucks.

Oh, I miss Gelson's.

You know, it's places like this

that make me think

God might actually exist.

-Yeah.

-Hmm.

Guess that camp host

wasn't so bad after all.

Very cute. Very cute.

-Come here, Meeka. Come here.

-What are you doing?

Mm...

All showing off for the likes.

Let's get

the whole family here.

Get it. Get it, get it, get it.

- Okay.

- There.

- Posting to your account.

- What are you doing?

Supposed

to be a secret Thunderbird.

f*ck the rules!

Whoo!

-Now give me my phone back.

-Oh, yeah, okay.

You earned it.

I feel like

I'm inRed Dead Redemption.

Okay, what does that even mean

when you say stuff like that,

by the way?

- Video game.

- Oh, video game.

All right.

What do you think, babe?

We cooking tonight or what?

I think I could

live off beef jerky

and tequila

for the rest of my life.

Oh, that's great.

But what about me?

Oh, get out of here with that.

Okay, you know what?

How about...

you go make this a fire, and...

I'll at least make sure that

we get our basic nutrients in.

And tequila.

Yeah, tequila.

- Too flat.

- Jesus H. Christ!

It's too spread out.

Hey, get that shit

out of my face, would you?

Oh, so, were talking now?

You wanna build a teepee

not a cabin.

Go on. Scoot over, kid.

You see,

fire wants to burn.

Air wants to rise.

So you build a ladder

and the fire will climb.

Now, that sounds like a nursery

rhyme.

Yeah, it's something

my wife always used to say.

That wife of yours teach you

how to build tents too?

Mm-hmm.

Ha ha. Huh?

Your wife know that

you cheat at campfires?

Are you always like this?

-Like what?

-Relentless.

I mean,

who are you performing for?

Truth is...

my wife passed last year.

Cancer.

Damn. I'm sorry, man.

But no, she didn't know.

All she knew was

I lit the fires

and she could depend on me.

You know,

this will burn all night

if you just

give it a little attention.

Just keep

stacking sticks and logs

in that upright formation.

Like--

Like a teepee.

Like a teepee.

You know, I've been

carrying something like this

around with me for 20 years.

The fires never went out.

And, hey...

maybe ease off

on the sarcasm, too.

It's exhausting.

You're not a kid anymore, kid.

Hey, you wanna join us?

Settle.

Sir!

What are you barking at, huh?

There's nothing out there.

See?

Oh, hey.

You guys having

a party without me?

Hey, check it out.

- Nice fire, baby.

- I made this all by myself.

Just me.

No help.

You doing all right over there?

Yeah, man, I'm, I am good.

Ready to party!

Just relax, man.

Try to enjoy yourself, okay?

And check out

these dope ass stars.

It's all a simulation.

None of this matters.

What are you going on

about now?

Nothing. I just, I...

I just wish we had some girls

here is all, you know?

And like a couple

of dudes for you.

Yeah, you wouldn't know

what to do with yourself

if we had some girls right now.

Sure I would.

Are you kidding me?

Blake the snake, man.

I'll go like this.

All right, all right, dude,

you don't have to do all that.

f*ck off.

Don't tell me what to do.

What is wrong with you, dude?

Why can't

you just go one minute

without destroying something?

You don't even know

what you're mad at.

I'm pissed because

all your John Mayer ass

wants to do

when I'm finally single

is sit around

playing show tunes

when we could

be f*cking something, man.

That's not

why you're mad, dude.

She didn't even give me

a chance to change.

Would you have?

-Ah, damn it.

-Oh, Wow.

You're such a shitty person

sometimes, you know that?

f*ck you, man.

Look, I'm not the one

that broke up with you remember?

-I'm trying to help you.

-Yeah, well, I loved her.

You cheated on her.

All right? Man up

and own your mistakes.

Hey.

Hey, Blake.

Where are you going?

I've gotta shit.

I appreciate you, Terance.

That's what I thought.

Man, I'm drunk.

Ah, just leave me alone, T,

I-I don't care anymore.

Ohh...

Nope, na-uh.

Get outta here, you monster!

What, you're trying to

following me to the crapper?

You tryna f*ck?!

'Cause I'd do it.

You know I would.

God damn it, Blake.

You know, Debbie used to

love cooking around a campfire.

I think

planning these camping trips

got her through

most of the chemo.

Well, until the...

You know...

You must

really love camping too.

You kidding me?

I hate it.

Then why do you do it?

Well, it beats dying alone

in my own house.

And I guess I get

to meet people like you two.

And that camp host.

You know,

I'm pretty sure she likes you.

-No.

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Hey.

Y'all talking

about the camp host?

What is the deal

with that broad anyway?

And all her rules.

"Don't say the camp host's name

five times

in front of the mirror."

This guy!

-What is her name anyways?

-It's a mystery.

Doesn't matter.

She is a cop.

Not like, a, a real cop,

but, you know, like,

cop adjacent.

- I hate cops.

- Blake!

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry, guys. Please

excuse my friend here, okay?

He's just been

going through some--

Booze! You got any?

-Come on, man.

-Lots.

Gracias.

Um, I'm Terance.

There's a reason

for her rules, you know.

She never tell you

about Yellowstone?

Oh, my God, I hate that show.

Wow. Okay. Awkward.

-What happened in Yellowstone?

-Yeah.

Maybe now's not the right time.

Lame.

Hey, uh...

you know where I can, uh,

-go poopoo?

-Just that way.

-I'll meet you back at camp.

-Just shut up your mouth, cop.

I do what I want

and I'm going home.

Come on, man, stop playing.

Hey, stop playing, man.

I'm sorry.

Please continue.

Well, then..

It was years ago.

She worked as

a camp host in Montana.

She met

a couple of girls who...

were celebrating their wedding.

And you know,

they were real dumb,

stupid kids, you know?

Yeah. Excited about everything.

But the, the host

dug their energy.

She took a real liking to them.

So, she wanted to do

something special

for their wedding.

She told them about this

beautiful natural hot springs

in the area that

that only the locals use.

-Told them to keep it a--

-Secret?

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Ah, smells like poop in here.

I think I found you.

f*ck you, Terance.

I'm not shitty. I'm awesome.

I'm awesome.

Occupied. Ah...

Well, the kids go for a soak,

but this is where

it gets weird.

See, the host had told them

to watch out for signs

and warnings around the pools

on account that some of the

pools were geothermal

and they were acidic.

Scalding hot.

But the kids being kids, well,

they didn't listen.

Yeah.

The f*ck...

is this hippie shit?

Hey, someone's in here.

That newlywed

watched her bride

boil to death.

She-she tried to help,

but it was too hot.

So she ran to get help,

but by the time they got back,

it was too late.

There was no sign of her.

Her whole body

had completely dissolved.

The only thing that remained

was her day pack

and the warning signs

that they'd neglected.

Should have listened to her.

Hey!

I think

I've read about this online.

Yeah, a lot of people did.

Locals,

they suspected foul play.

She is acquitted

of all the charges, but...

that didn't

clear her conscience.

That poor woman,

she blames herself

for the accident.

Can you imagine what that kind

of guilt would do to a person?

She must be haunted

by that one brief moment

every single day of her life.

Uh...

She never resumed

her camp host duties...

until now.

Jesus.

Toilet paper. Toilet paper.

Like a mummy.

All right, that's it.

You want to fight, assh*le?

Goddammit, Terance.

What the f*ck!

Those poor kids.

I mean, how does something

like that even happen?

Um, I should probably

head back to camp

and see how Blake's doing.

Thanks, uh, for the nightmares.

-Hey.

-Hm. Hey.

-Thank for hosting me, kiddo.

-Ah, you bet.

Of course.

Well, goodbye.

Hey, Frank.

Yeah?

Do you really hate camping?

No, I'm...

I'm just not very good at it.

It doesn't come as easy to me

as it did to Debbie.

You know, this trip I'm on now,

she was planning

in the hospital.

I think it was her way

of ignoring death.

Well, maybe she just

wanted to make sure that

you weren't gonna

ignore life after she was gone.

Yeah.

I must admit, I do feel

closer to her out here.

Yeah.

I just wish

I'd paid more attention.

Oh.

Well, at least I can

set up my own tent, huh?

I swear to God,

that woman is haunting me.

Frank, your tent fell over.

Yeah, I know.

Frank.

Yeah, I know, kid.

Your tent, man.

Yeah, I know!

You are a very patient woman.

You know, you left

your fire unattended.

You-know-who's

gonna be on your ass.

Well, maybe

she'll punish me, huh?

Okay. Goodnight, Frank.

-Goodnight.

-Gone.

Hey,

I wanted to give this to you.

It'll be our little secret.

Huh?

Keep the fires burning.

Thanks, man.

And hey...

don't screw this up.

Hmm?

All right.

Have a good night, Ed.

Night, Frank.

Yo, what is withAbout Schmidt

over there always telling me

what to do?

Yeah, no one gets it when you

say stuff like that, by the way.

What do you mean?

Old man lost in America.

Jack Nicholson.

-He's-he's lonely.

-Yeah, that one.

No, no, I'm talking about Frank.

I don't care

about your nerd shit.

Okay, can we talk about

that camp host story?

-I mean--

-Yeah, that was weird.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I just got to go

to the bathroom first.

Can we talk

about it in a minute?

-You mean 45?

-Yeah, exactly.

This stinks.

f*ck.

How about no.

f*ck!

What died in here?

Live your life, Frank.

Ed never does that.

What the f*ck?

Hey.

Hey.

Knock it off.

What the f*ck?

The f*ck!

Sadie! Sadie! Help me!

In the bathroom!

Sadie, help me. Sadie.

Sadie!

No...

- Oh, he feels guilty.

- No...

Woah!

Open the f*cking bathroom!

Sadie! Help me, Sadie!

Sadie! Help me, Sadie! Help me!

f*cking help me!

No! No! No!

Ah!

I'll be right back, Meeka.

-Hey.

-Hey!

-Sadie.

-Oh, Ed. Oh!

-Are you okay?

-I thought that you were dead.

-I have to tell you something.

-Me too.

-There's a demon the bathroom.

-Camp Host just k*lled Frank.

-What?

-What?

-Okay, you go first.

-Shh...

Okay, just listen

for a second, Ed.

The camp host

just k*lled Frank.

Why would

the camp host k*ll Frank?

I don't know. I think she...

Because he left

his fire unattended.

I think she kills...

people who

don't follow her rules.

She lit his body on fire, Ed.

Don't look at me like that.

Okay, okay, okay.

What about your toilet demon?

-Oh, so you did hear that?

-How could I not?

There was

a demon in the bathroom

under, under, under,

where the stuff is.

Unbelievable.

Oh, so, now

you don't believe me?

I-I mean...

A spooky toilet, Ed? Really?

-You don't know what I saw.

-What you saw?

Could you be more

of a hypocrite right now?

I'm telling you

that there was--

Blake!

Oh, my God.

Christ!

Okay, we have to go now.

Good evening, campers.

It is well past 10 o'clock

which means quiet time

has come into effect.

Witching hour.

It's 10:04.

She's making

more noise than we are.

You are disobeying

the rules of my camp

by polluting these grounds

with your unsolicited chatter.

Your blatant disregard

for quiet hours

is disrespectful

not only to me,

but to every other camper here.

This will be your first

and last warning.

Please try your best

to be courteous

and respectful

of your surroundings.

Just listen.

How can you hear the voices

if you never stop talking?

-She's insane, Ed.

-Where are we supposed to go?

She's caught us

in her death ray.

Can you hear me?

I think she's talking to us.

Uh, yea-yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we can,

we can hear.

Do I have to come over there?

Uh, no, no.

We're good. Thank you.

We got it.

All good.

Okay.

Will you please

drop the whole

bruised ego thing

and give me

the benefit of the doubt

for once by acknowledging

that that lady

is a psycho k*ller?

Fine.

There was a demon

in the bathroom.

That's great, babe.

That's great.

Okay, come on,

come on, come on.

I got it.

-I should drive.

-I got it.

Slow down. Slow down.

- k*ll the lights.

- k*ll the lights. Really? Why?

Because we have

to get through that.

No, not locked.

She's challenging us.

Go slow.

- I'll go.

- No.

You have to be ready

to peel out. I'll go.

I can do both.

I promise. Sadie!

Lift and do this.

Yes!

Bad girl!

You spit,

back in your cage!

What was that?!

Come, come, come.

Come on.

Packing out already?

-Come on, come on.

-Drive!

You're in neutral!

Do it in drive!

Ed, come on, come on!

Faster!

- What the f*ck?!

- Holy shit!

-Faster! Faster!

-It's as a fast as it goes.

Oh, my God.

No, she's gaining on us.

Thump it, Ed!

-Oh, shit!

-Oh, God.

She's gonna catch us!

She's gone. We did it.

Oh, God.

Hey, uh...

Let's never go

back there again, okay?

Deal.

-You okay?

-Yeah. Yeah. Good.

-You?

-Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good.

Where's Meeka?

What do you mean?

He's not in the back.

Of course he's in the back...

Why is he not in the back,

Sadie?

I don't know. I, I locked him

in the van

when I went to find you.

-Did you?

-Yes.

Yes, I remember. I-I locked the

van. I-I locked the doors.

I... Whoa! Whoa!

Why, why are you still driving?

-We-we have to go back.

-f*ck, we do.

What? Oh my God.

Of course we do!

This isn't negotiable, Ed.

We have to turn around.

Sadie, you are crazy

if you think I'm taking us back

to where that lunatic is.

Someone needs

to protect this family.

Meeka is our family.

Oh my God. Okay, just stop

driving for one second

and just, just simply listen to

me. Please, Ed. For once!

-Please, just look at me.

-No way.

How is this even

a conversation

-right now?

-It's not!

I swear to God, Ed,

I will leave you before I ever

leave Meeka behind!

We have to go back!

She could be anywhere.

You just keep driving.

Maybe she's gone.

Maybe that's what she

wants us to think.

Forget something?

Huh, I found it in the lot.

Boy, you must have

been in a hurry, huh?

But look at you two.

You came back because you

remembered the camp rules.

Pack in, pack out.

Is she f*cking joking?

Sadie, don't do it.

We're looking

for our dog Meeka.

-You lost your dog?

-No, he was in the van.

-In your van, with you?

-What?

You were with him, right?

You wouldn't have left

him alone, unleashed,

unattended, would you?

Of course not.

No, 'cause he was inourvan.

Why wasn't hewithyou?

Well, it doesn't matter now.

We have to think

about baby Meeka.

Good news is, he's a survivor.

What happened

to that leg anyway?

Was that also on your watch?

All right, playtime is over.

Sadie.

- Stay in the van.

- Sadie.

Sadie.

You got the wrong b*tch.

You know, just 'cause you're

older than the constitution

doesn't make you safe

from an ass whoopin'.

I am so sick of you

talking backwards

to me with your low-key,

diet-r*cist bullshit.

f*ck your g*n.

f*ck your judgmental looks.

f*ck your whole crazy k*ller

camp shit you got going on.

And f*ck you.

You don't f*cking

phase me, b*tch.

Now get thefuckout

of my way

so I can get my f*cking dog

and go home.

Where is home again?

What'd you do with those

girls up in Yellowstone anyway?

Hmm?

Would you k*ll them

like you did Frank?

Oh, dear.

Sadie!

Ed, no!

Ed!

Ow.

You can't beat me, Ed.

You're weak.

Oh, you're crazier

than I thought.

So, why was Sadie the first one

to take action

and get out of the van?

- She told me to stay.

- Like a dog?

Is that what you do, Ed?

You do what you're told?

Woof.

You really are a mess,

Thunderbird.

So much crap in that city

trap of yours.

No wonder you're in such

a hurry to escape.

What's she saying?!

What's going on?

Just leave us alone.

I have a new set

of rules for you.

Get back in your trash can

with that garbage husband

of yours

and park it on your site.

Shut up and go to sleep.

Come daybreak, you're gonna play

like happy little campers.

And that means no going

off the reservation this time.

Don't talk to anybody.

No notes, no signs, no signals,

no gestures. Nothing.

And why the f*ck

would we do that?

Follow my rules,

and maybe your gib mutt

will come back in one piece.

Well, whatever is left.

I mean, he is already

missing one leg.

Do you think

he can walk on two?

What do we even

do to hurt you?

We're good people. It doesn't

make any sense. What the hell?!

You'll give him back.

My camp, my rules.

We got a long day ahead of us.

-Why don't we have a g*n?

-What?!

Shh...

I said why don't we have a g*n?

You didn't want one, remember?

You said it was too dangerous.

Only meant for one thing.

Yeah, that's the point.

Oh, oh, God.

-What's the sound?

-What? What sound?

What?

Oh, I'm not gonna get

any sleep tonight.

You should probably

get some sleep tonight.

-I'm not even tired.

-Ed...

Meeka!

Meeka. Oh!

Come here, boy.

Oh. Hear me.

Come here, come here.

Meeka?

Oh.

Meeka.

Meeka.

Oh, Meeka.

Meeka. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, come on, mommy's here.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Sadie. Oh!

Hey, you're in the van.

You're just in the van.

You're having a nightmare.

-We have to go find Meeka.

-Yeah, but we can't leave.

Oh, no, no, we can't leave

the camp ground.

I just, I don't think

it's smart to go out there.

Hmm, okay.

- Of course you don't.

- What's that supposed to mean?

Forget it.

No, no, don't do that.

You, uh, go ahead and play

on your phone.

I'm not the bad guy

here, Sadie.

-Where were you?

-What?

When I went looking for you.

Oh, you mean when

you lost the dog?

I, I locked the van.

Did you? Or are you just

trying to convince

yourself that you did?

I mean, what do you even

care, huh?

You were gonna leave

him behind.

I was trying to protect us.

You were trying

to protect yourself.

That's not true.

We should have left when

the camp host was being r*cist.

But, but no,

you didn't listen to me!

You never listened to me, Ed!

Oh, no, you had to wait until

she went ahead and m*rder*d

someone to finally

take me seriously!

And now...

Now we're all gonna die!

Sadie, she's not gonna k*ll us.

She's just trying

to screw with us.

-Oh, my God, Ed!

-No, think about it.

No, she had plenty

of opportunities to k*ll us

last night, but she didn't.

We're gonna be fine.

Just because she wants

to hurt us first

doesn't mean

she isn't going to k*ll us!

-This is personal to her, okay?

-What is personal?

I don't know, 'cause she thinks

she knows me.

Does she?!

Better than you do?

Probably, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

What do you want from me?

For you to do better.

God, are you kidding me

right now?

Oh, great.

The answers are probably

on the Internet!

I was trying to call the cops.

What is it with you

and that thing, anyways, huh?

I mean, you are so concerned

with work

and what your friends are doing.

Like, I'm right here.

But you could give

a damn how I feel.

You know, I would,

I would actually k*ll...

to have you pay

half as much attention to me

as you do

to your stupid phone.

-Say what you really mean.

-This is all your fault!

I did not do anything!

Yeah, that's the problem, Ed.

You never do anything.

You never show the f*ck up.

You know what I really think?

Oh, God,

we don't have time for this.

No, no, no, listen to me.

I think you never

wanted a husband.

No, no, no.

You just wanted somebody

to pay for the van

and to blame

so you could figure out

what to do

with the rest of your life.

Oh, grow up.

If I was missing right now

would you come back for me?

Would you be half as worried

as you are right now?!

Because I don't think

you would.

I don't think you would.

The truth is, I don't think

you like me very much.

I don't.

Not right now!

Wait, what-what-what're

you doing?!

You know, I could be there

for you, Sadie, if you just...

if you gave me something

to hold on to.

Okay, just-just get back

in the van, Ed.

No, I'm gonna go to paradise.

I'm gonna call the cops.

Maybe I'll find Meeka

on the way.

Okay, all right.

I'm coming with you.

No. What if Meeka

comes back?

-He's with the camp host.

-We don't know that.

Ed, would you just

stop messing around?

Would you just trust me, okay?

I wanna do this. I wanna help.

You're gonna get

yourself k*lled.

You're not the victim here, Ed.

I'm not the bad guy either.

We already have one of those.

Wha--

Meeka, come!

Meeka.

Meeka, come!

Meeka!

Here, boy!

Meeka...

Sadie, right?

Hey, are you...

You okay?

I fell.

Um... you haven't seen

Blake, have you?

I've been looking

for him since last night

and I'm officially worried.

I'm not supposed to talk to you.

Your dude's

the jealous type or...

Camp host.

Well, um...

You don't have to worry

about her 'cause I saw her

wandering into

the woods this morning.

She said the last time she saw

Blake, he was in the bathroom.

Have you, uh, have you seen him?

You know, maybe he

tried to go home

but he would not make it

three feet in his condition.

Maybe he's dead.

Yeah.

I said some things to him

that I didn't mean

out of out of frustration.

I just, I want to apologize,

you know?

God, I really f*cking

hate these things.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go k*ll the camp host.

Camping is a f*cking trip, man.

Hello.

Anyone in here?

Meeka...

And they called

us uncivilized.

That's a lot of sage.

These are all your victims.

Meeka.

Meeka.

Mommy's here.

f*cking...

No, no.

No, no, come on.

Come on.

f*ckin' A.

Yes. f*ckin' yes!

Yes.

f*ck.

911. What's your emergency?

Yeah, it's just f*cked up over

here. There's bodies everywhere.

You got f*cking helicopters

and police and g*ns.

We need it all.

There's f*cking lots of m*rder.

Is this Ed Williams?

Yeah, yeah. You got

to get here quick. She's on one.

What's the address?

It's, uh...

I need to

know where you are, sir.

Yeah, it's, uh...

Okay, my wife does

all the navigating.

She does all the,

all the planning,

so I-I guess,

I guess she'd probably

know this information but...

I drive. I do drive, so I help.

You don't know where you are?

No. She's at the campground.

She's looking for our dog.

I understand, sir.

You're at a campground?

No, I'm where she stores

all the f*cking bodies!

- Your wife?

- No, the camp host.

You're not listening.

I need an address.

Are you able to read me

a street sign or give

me a landmark?

Can't you see me on a computer?

You know my name.

You're telling me you don't,

you can't f*cking look

me up on the

f*cking Internet?!

It doesn't

always work like that, sir.

Especially in rural areas.

Well, it's a secret

swimming hole. Look that up.

It's-It's-It's, uh...

- Hello?

- I'm here.

Okay, it's a se...

Oh, snap!

It's-it's on my social.

I took a picture of it.

Look it up.

My account is @=MC2.

Okay.

Please hold.

Hello?

Hello?

Okay, sir, I'm back.

Are you or anyone

with you hurt?

Yes.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi.

Are you okay?

Have you seen my mama?

I-is this camp host, your mom?

I'm Sadie. What's your name?

I'm not supposed

to talk to you.

What? Uh...

How-how-how come?

- The rules.

- The-the rules?

T-tell-tell me about

the, about the rules.

She says it's nature's law.

If I don't follow the rules,

she'll cut out my tongue.

I see you've met Meeka.

- Mee-ka?

- Yeah.

Oh, he loves you.

-I can tell. Yeah.

-Yeah.

Uh, what-what-what else

did camp host say

before she left?

If I make any noise,

she'll k*ll me.

She said that to you?

That's awful.

Why-why would she say that?

She wants to protect nature.

From what?

How does that protect nature?

From us.

We're not

supposed to be here.

But we are a part of nature.

I've never thought

about it that way before.

We are nature.

Yeah. We're-we're nature.

Oh, okay. Let's,

let's just get you out of here.

Uh, does-does-does camp host

have a key?

No, sh-sh-she puts

it in the drawer.

Like over here.

- Okay, let's see. Uh...

- I'm Tikaani, by the way.

Tikaani. Oh, that's a great

name, Tikaani.

Drawer. Uh, uh..

Keys, keys, okay.

Uh, uh...

Uh, oh, that's not sage.

It's a trap.

I picked up this ulu

when I was living in Alaska.

The Inupiaq used

it to live off the land,

way back when there was

an actual relationship

between the people

and the natural world.

I believe the ancestors stored

their knowledge inside of it.

Passing it down

through the generations.

I can hear them right now.

They still use

the ulu in Alaska.

Especially during

those pregnant summers

when the rivers are flushed

with salmon.

Only problem is...

the last time I visited...

there were no salmon.

But there were plenty

of big ships,

and big oil spills

and even bigger nets

and a lot of starving animals.

It makes you wonder exactly...

what we're doing here.

Besides ruining

the only hope we have.

We don't know

how to take care of the things

that we need the most.

Like you two

and your constant bitching.

How are you supposed

to take care of the planet

if you can't even

take care of each other?

You know, there was

a time during lockdown...

when we were all in our cages

and the natural world

actually came back to life.

Dolphins swam

in the canals in Venice.

Sheep grazed on golf courses.

Deer populated

the major cities.

And the salmon came back!

And it was magnificent!

And then you came.

I, I didn't break

any of your rules, okay.

Just let me go. Just let me go.

With your tents and your vans!

And your need

to get back to nature.

All because

of one little scare.

Nature actually bit back

and you couldn't handle it.

So you fled from your homes and

you scattered like cockroaches!

Disrespecting my land.

Disobeying my rules.

Very simple rules. Yeah?

It was supposed to be a secret.

You and your c**t wife,

were not supposed to tell

a soul about paradise!

Shut the f*ck up!

- Ah, okay...

- I don't feel too good.

Okay, no, no. No, I'm

gonna get you out of here, okay?

-Silver one.

-Silver, uh... Oh, okay!

Oh, oh, I got it.

Ah! Oh, I got it.

Good job. Okay.

Hi, boy. Hi. Hi.

We got to find a

way out of here.

What else can you tell me?

What else did camp host

say where she left?

She s-s-said

she was going hunting.

Hunting?

For...for what, uh?

Animal?

A man.

Ah, okay, okay we got to go.

Come on, I'll get you out of

here. Let's go. Come on.

All right.

Ah! Ah...

Oh, you're kidding.

f*ck!

Lady.

Lady!

Never mind the painting.

You're so f*cking exhausting!

Do you really believe that whole

k*ll For The World spiel?

You're off your rocker, lady.

You wanna k*ll people, just say

you wanna f*cking k*ll people.

They're gonna think

you're crazy regardless.

Talking to me about

polluting the planet?

b*tch, you drive a f*cking RV!

I use toilet paper

made out of bamboo!

I drive a plug in hybrid!

I read my comic

books on an iPad!

I went paperless years ago!

And my van, you don't even know

that shit's got solar.

It's f*cking dope! I do my part!

Did it ever occur to you that

this whole great-outdoors trend

might actually be redefining

everybody's relationship

with nature and it's possibly

a good thing?!

I think people are starting

to reconnect with the world,

and that's pretty damn cool!

But here you are,

scaring them

away by demonizing the woods

and perverting

spiritual beliefs

with your f*cking weird

scare tactics

and weird f*cking att*cks!

Get a life,

you f*cking culture vulture!

I know you could

k*ll me at any time,

'cause I'm bleeding out...

but you ever talk shit about

my wife again...

I will take that weird

f*cking wizard knife

out of your creaky old

b*tch hands...

and I will gut you

like a f*cking salmon.

Oh, God damn it, Frank!

[g*nsh*t

You ever baby sat?

Okay, boy.

Find your dad.

Ed!

I guess you didn't see that one

coming through all the smoke.

Stupid f*cking...

Oh, uh, pardon.

I said, f*ck!

They're screaming!

Can you hear them?!

I can.

What are they saying?

They're laughing at you.

Oh!

Oh, oh, Ed...

I'm so sorry.

Thunderbird, where

are you really from?

Sherman Oaks, b*tch.

It's okay, okay?

Thank God, I found you.

Oh, good. See?

Okay, okay. I gotta put

you down here, okay?

-Okay. Okay.

-Whoa.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

No, no, no.

You came back for me.

Yeah. Of course.

Of course I did.

This is the most beautiful

place I've ever seen.

Did you get through

to the police?

- Uh, no.

- No, it's okay.

- It's okay.

- They put me on hold.

And then

she pitched my phone.

Oh, shit.

We'll get you a new one, okay?

- Mm. I'm good.

- Get you a nice one.

I'm sorry

for being such a d*ck.

-No.

-Oh, yeah.

-I was checked out.

-Oh, no, no, no. Shh...

Don't say sorry.

Don't say sorry.

Do you...

Do you know what a moose

sounds like when it calls?

No.

Me neither.

You know, I, you know, I heard

there's this one place in Maine

where the bats

circle you so close it feels

just like you're levitating.

You know, I've... never

been to the east coast before

but, uh... I've heard

that the trees are bigger...

more ancient.

And, uh, there's this, this

other place in Iceland

where... you can kayak

under the aurora borealis

while the whales feed

on krill below you.

I mean, can you imagine?

Just electric skies

and we both...

breaching giants down below.

Imagine being

a part of that, Ed.

You feels so...

So insignificant and so

wonderful at the same time.

I wanna do all

of those things.

- Hmm.

- Yeah.

I don't wanna do them alone.

I wanna do them...

I wanna do them with you.

I can't do them alone.

I can't do them alone.

That's why I wanted

to buy the van.

Uh, I wanna know what a moose

sounds like when it calls, too.

- I love you.

- I love you.

How are we gonna drive

to Iceland?

Shh...

You know what I mean.

It means

we're getting a boat.

Yeah. Yeah, let's get a boat.

Just one little boat.

-I think I'm dying here.

-No!

-No, you can't die.

-You wanna bet?

No. That's just

paper cut, Ed.

Don't be so dramatic.

You're not gonna die. Mm-mm.

- What? What?

- They found us.

You got through to them?

-I guess.

-Oh, God.

You, you remembered

where we were?

Yeah.

It wasn't a problem.

Oh!

Oh, yeah?

It's past quiet hours!

All right, the campsite

should be coming up

in a couple miles,

just on the left.

- Or...

- Or? Or?

Or we can stay on the road

a couple hours longer

and head up to Bangor where...

Stephen King's house is.

You're such a nerd, baby.

I wanna sell him

our life rights!

He writes fiction.

Yeah, well, it's not like

anyone believed us anyway.

God, I still can't believe that

they found the wrong body.

Yeah, I thought we weren't

gonna talk about her.

Unless, unless

you wanna talk about her.

No, no.

She's not ruining our trip.

Not this time.

- What are you doing?

- Going to Bangor.

But we're

not leaving the state

until I get to see my bats.

Let's do it.

I spot

with my little eyes

something that's yellow.

You can see the yellow.

Ooh, I think

I know what it is.

Minnesota.

What brings you

all the way out here?

Thought we'd take

a field trip.

Teach the kids a little

American history firsthand.

Oh, so cute.

Yeah, I just want to eat some

lobster and get back to nature.

So, you want a campsite?

I might have one to spare.

What do you say, 20 bucks?

I'll throw in a couple

of bundles of firewood.

Really?

That's super nice of you.

Hop on out here and I'll give

you the law of the land.