05x17 - Doug's Great Opportoonity

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[narrator] A long, long time ago,

let's say, oh, last week,

a young boy came upon a stone
with a pen stuck in it.

To remove it, the young man
struggled with all his...

might.

Try and stay with me, Doug.

[narrator] The pen gave the boy powers
to do great things...

[bursting]

...like help people.

Soon, word spread far and wide,

and others came seeking his great power.

One wanted a new nose.

Another wanted an ice-cream cone.

All right!

[narrator] And the last...

wanted the pen.

Uh-uh!

[narrator] But soon, the boy realized,

with great power
came great responsibility.

Doug! What did you do to my nose?

Ooh! Whoa!

Look out, man! Aah!

Aw, man.

[indistinct talking]

-Ugh!
-Sticky!

[narrator] But the young boy
learned his lesson,

and the people started laughing,
and they all lived...

[all] Can it, buddy!

Hey, watch it!

[boy] There you go, loser!

Ice-cream all over my...

[narrator] Whoa, I'm out of here.

Good luck, kid.

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

[Doug] Dear journal,

last week when Beebe Bluff Middle School
held its first elections,

I learned a lot about leadership.

For instance, Roger was running
for class treasurer,

and he thought all you needed
to be a leader was money.

Vote for me, and get your free
red-hot Spankeroos!

Get the hots for Klotz!

My mom won't let me eat candy.

Hmm? Eh?

Uh-uh.

Hmm.

Uh, here's five bucks. Vote Roger.

[Doug] Beebe was running against Roger,

and she thought
that if you wanted to be a leader,

all you needed was to look like a leader.

Yuck!

It's gotta say, I'm a leader.

No! It's also gotta say,
I'm a tough leader!

No, no, no!

[Doug] Chalky was running for president.

In fact, he was the only one,

and he thought leaders needed
to do many things at one time

and the one thing they all needed was me

because I was the one who was drawing
all their campaign posters.

Hey, Doug, could you
hang these in the gym,

uh, and this in the library?

[mumbled speech]

Dougie, draw this hat on my posters.

It says, I'm a leader, but fun.

[muffled] All right.

Hey, Funnie, I need

Chop chop. Here. Have some Spankeroos.

[mumbled speech]

[Doug] It was a week full of surprises,
and I was about to get my first big one.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, isn't this, uh...
Aren't you... Huh!

You're Doug Funnie, am I right?

Mmm-hmm.

-Guy Graham.
-[mumbled speech]

Hey, Chalky tells me
you're a kickin' cartoonist.

Huh? Huh? Is that right?

Well, I guess.

[muffled speech]

Aw, you're too modest. Cut it out.

The school newspaper
needs a cartoonist with edge,

a guy that knows the pen
is funnier than the sword,

a real leader's leader.

Phew! Me? Edgy?

A leader's leader?

att*ck!

[screams]

Hold.

Hold!

Hold!

Now!

Huh? What?

[laughter]

That cartoon slays me!

[laughter]

Oh! The pen is funnier than the sword!

[laughs] He wins again!

[laughter]

[laughter]

So, you joining the choir?

-Off to camp? Dating my sister?
-Huh?

Are you on the paper?

No problem.

I need a cartoon that gets folks saying,

"That makes me laugh,
but it also makes me think."

Right?

[Doug] I was having a really hard time
thinking up an edgy cartoon.

After all, ideas don't just fall
out of the sky and say hello.

Ahh!

-Hello.
-We're working on it.

[Doug] Guy suggested a school issue,
something that was really hot.

[siren blaring]

We're, uh, working on it.

[Doug] I even skipped
my assignment in art class

to try and draw something,
but nothing was working.

Fini, man. Ha, what do you think?

Hyperphoto realism. Honk, honk!
How's yours coming, man?

Abstract expressionism! Way cool!

Skeet, it's supposed
to be my first cartoon.

Oh... I don't get it.

The newspaper meets next period,

and I still don't know what to do
my cartoon about.

Well, don't give up, man.

You're a great cartoonist.

Any second now, an idea
will hit you right in the head.

[thunder]

Huh?

We're too busy to work on this.

I got it, Skeet!

I know what my cartoon is gonna be about.

[Doug] On my way to my newspaper meeting,

I showed Patti my cartoon,

-[Patti laughing]
-and that's when I got

my second big surprise of the week.

Oh, that's great, Doug!

Listen, I wanted--

It's about how many problems there are
getting the school finished.

Yeah, I know. Doug, I have a sur--

If my cartoon gets people
thinking and laughing,

maybe the problem will get fixed.

That would be great, Doug. Now lis--

-And one more thing, Patti...
-What, Doug?

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be in home school?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

My daddy's gonna be
the new history teacher.

So I get to go here all day.

Wow! Really? That's great!

Now, I have something to show you.

Huh?

Larry, Patti Mayonnaise:

sassy daughter of new history teacher
takes on Chalky.

I want details.

No can do, boss. I've got too much.

I'm not hearing you!

♪ La la-la-la, la la-la-la ♪

[Doug] My first meeting
at the Weekly Beebe,

I was very excited and a little nervous.

Everyone, meet Doug Funnie,

one of the three
greatest cartoonists alive.

Hey, if he needs anything,
see that our genius gets it.

Now, what's new, Sal?

I'm reviewing the school play.
I love, love, loved it!

Really? What play are they doing?

They haven't chosen it yet.

Oh! Psychic!

Kickin'! I like it!

Hey, and what about you,
our resident genius funny guy?

What's the smooge? What's the giggle?

Who's got the ball?

Hmm.

[laughs]

[laughter]

It's funny and to the point,

but it doesn't quite, uh...

Oh, what's the word I'm looking for...

Oh, yeah, bounce!

-No bounce.
-Oh, no bounce.

No way.

-Bounce?
-Nope. No bounce.

Let's see. The elections
are this week, right?

Whoo! What if we crank up
the ol' power of the press

and tell the kids who to vote for?

Look, take out some of this rubble,

change the face to Beebe's,
and this copy should be...

"Vote for me."

Boom! Now you got bounce!

Way bouncy.

-Oh, yeah. You bet.
-Bouncy. Bouncy.

You want me to do it about Beebe?

Hey, whoever you want. You're the leader,

the Captain of Comedy,
the Pharaoh of Funny,

the Sultan of Swat... Uh...

No. That's Babe Ruth.

I'm out of here.

[Doug] It was tough
thinking of myself as a leader,

but by the end of the day,
people did start following me.

Huh? Give them back, Roger.

Let me carry them for you, buddy.

If you hurt your hand,

you wouldn't be able to draw
a great cartoon about me.

-What?
-Oh, come on!

My sources at the paper

tell me you can tell the kids
who to vote for.

Look, you do your cartoon about Beebe,
and she gets to be treasurer.

Big mistake!

Can you imagine
what the school would be like?

I can.

Beebe, I've got a math test
in five minutes.

I've got to get into school.

Hey, not you, kid!

-Not with those shoes, you aren't.
-Hold it!

You can't deny kids their education
based on what they wear!

Doug here is a great student!
I demand you let him in!

This is an outrage!
An outrage, I tell you!

Stick with me, Funnie,
and we'll go straight to the top!

[both] Aah!

Only you can stop her, Funnie.

And I'm willing to pay you for it.

You're giving me a check?

You're right! They can trace it!

Oh, ho, ho! You're good, Funnie,

but I'm willing to play your little game.

In the meantime, start drawing my cartoon!

[Doug] I wasn't quite sure
what Roger was getting at,

but Beebe cleared it up for me.

You have to do your cartoon
about me, Doug!

Can you imagine our school
with Roger as treasurer?

No, but I have a feeling
you're gonna tell me about it.

-You've got more than that! Get him!
-Huh? Whoa!

Whoa!

[snickering]

-[gulp]
-Next!

-I don't have any cash on me, Roger.
-Get him!

[growls]

But here's my Mickey Longball
autographed gym sock.

Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Wait! Doug, you can't give up
your priceless gym sock

or anything to get into school.

Education is our given right!

And I'll pay for everyone here!

Two hundred bucks!

Take credit cards?

But of course, I'll need ID.

It's up to you to save this school, Doug.

Besides, whatever Roger's offering you,
I'll double it.

See you tomorrow.

♪ Bup ba-dup ba-dup ba ba ♪

[Doug] It was sure nice having Patti
around school again.

-Hey, Patti!
-Hey, Doug!

Can't talk right now. Gotta hang posters.

[Doug] Or at least seeing her.

My day was full of surprises,
especially from Roger and Beebe.

Man O'Steel Man, issue one?

Where'd this come from?

Yoo-hoo!

[Doug] Who would have thought
that one little cartoon

would bring me awesome power
and awesome lunches.

Sautéed weenies flambé, sir?

Mmm!

[bell rings]

[indistinct conversation]

Come on, man. I'll race you home.

How about I give you a ride instead?

Whoa!

Huh? Whoa!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Has anyone told you lately, Doug,
that you are a very handsome young man?

Just Roger.

♪ Bup ba-dup ba-dup ba ba ♪

So, what do you say, buddy?

I get the cartoon,
you get the convertible.

Doesn't this thing go any faster?

Faster! Faster!

Speed it up, losers!

[grunting]

[imitates car engine sound]

[Doug] And all this awesome power
left me with an awesome decision.

Which cartoon should I turn in, Porkchop?

Roger has given me some pretty cool stuff.

But so has Beebe.

[whimpers]

Ooh! Hmm.

That's me!

[Doug] I have to admit,
this being a leader stuff was pretty cool,

and, as Beebe said,

looking like a leader was even cooler.

Guy? Doug.

Listen, still don't know
who I'm gonna do my cartoon about.

Your deadline isn't until tomorrow, Doug.

Besides, a good leader
never commits until he has to.

Another thing it takes to be a good leader

is sacrifice, a friendly smile,
and experience,

and I'm the captain of the football team
and the basketball team and the...

[Doug] Chalky's speech about leadership
really got me thinking.

What could he give me
if I did a cartoon about him?

[crowd cheers]

[announcer] Welcome
to the Super-Duper Bowl!

If you couldn't get a ticket,
don't worry, neither could we.

I'll tell you, Chip.

Even the nosebleed seats
sold for over two billion.

Imagine how much the good seats are worth.

Hey, Doug! Hut, hut, hut! Hike!

[grunts]

How's that seat, Doug?

[grunts]

Great. Popcorn?

Maybe later!

And the Numismatic Society,

and the Lepidopterist Club,

and, finally, the Kiwoodlies!

[crowd cheering]

[Doug] Next, came Patti's
closing statement.

I just wanna say
that we can all work together

and find out who's responsible
for our school's problems and--

-Who turned out the lights?
-Aw, man!

[man] We're working on it.

[Doug] My cartoon
was due the next morning,

and I still couldn't decide
who I would help win the election.

I get the cartoon, and you get the car.

I'll double anything Roger gives you!

Double!

How's that seat, Doug?

Oh!

[Doug] Then it hit me.

I had my priorities all messed up.

It was Patti I really wanted to impress.

[cheering]

[reporter] It was pandemonium
in the Capitol today

when Patti Mayonnaise
was sworn in today as president,

and, riding with her,
is the only cartoonist

to have won the Nobel, the Pulitzer,
and the Heisman Trophy!

Oh, Doug, thank you
for getting me elected.

How can I ever repay you?

Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something.

I've got it, Porkchop!

I know who I'm gonna do my cartoon about.

"Vote for Patti."

Hey, you know what you got here?

Smell it. Touch it.

Feel that? You know what it is?

The power of the press!
You've decided this election!

You know what people are gonna do
when they see this?

-What?
-Vote for Patti!

[Doug] I couldn't wait
to show Patti my cartoon.

I couldn't wait for her reaction.

Hey, Funnie, is that the cartoon?

Uh, yeah. Sort of.

I look like Patti!

-It is Patti.
-What?

After all the clothes,
the dinners, Barbados,

you do a cartoon about Patti?

I can return this!

Whoa!

I'll pick up the convertible later,
cartoon boy.

Wait! Come back!

I can do a cartoon
about you guys next week!

[Doug] I figured Roger and Beebe
would freak when they saw my cartoon,

but that didn't matter

because there was only one person
I wanted to impress.

Hey, Patti! Wait up!

What's up, Doug?

I've got to give a speech
at the Chess/AV Club.

I wanted to show you this.

It's the cartoon I'm handing in.

Oh, Doug, you're so cartoony.

How can I ever repay you?

You don't like it?

I like it, but I thought
your first cartoon was better.

It made me think a lot
about the school's problems.

-I even made it my main issue.
-You did?

Can we talk about this after my speech?

I'm a little late.

And with your support,
we can make this school a better place!

If we commit our powerful
voting block to you,

what do we get in return?

Roger Klotz promised us
new Wizards and Dragons chess sets.

And two High-8 camcorders
with flying erase heads.

And a hot tub, ionized.

Gee, fellas, I don't think this election
should be about what you can give me

or what I can give you.
That's not good leadership.

A good leader has to make decisions
based on what's best for everyone,

not just one person or club.

But I promise that, as your president,
I'll try to do what's right for everyone,

and encourage more girl interest
in the Chess/AV Club.

-Girls!
-Yeah!

[Doug] I only had one problem
with Patti's speech about good leaders,

and that's that I wasn't one of them.

She has the strength of two rooks
in the seventh rank.

And the versatility of coaxial cable.

Our vote is yours.

Well, Doug, finally
we have a chance to talk.

No time, Patti. I gotta do something.

[Doug] Patti made me realize
that all the power I had

since becoming the school's cartoonist
didn't make me a good leader.

It made me kind of a bad leader.

Stop the presses? What for?

I wanna change my cartoon. [panting]

I did it for the wrong reasons.

Sorry, star, paper goes to press at noon.

-[rings]
-[gasps]

Where you going?

-To stop the presses.
-But the...

[panting]

[indistinct chatter]

Stop the presses!

Stop the presses! Stop the presses!

Okay, okay!

Oh, gee, Doug, you could've said please.

[panting] Please?

And, anyway, you should've said,
"Stop the mimeograph machine,"

not "Stop the presses."

[gasps] Who stopped
the mimeograph machine?

It's, uh... Doug, what's going on?

I did my cartoon based
on who would give me the best stuff,

not who was best for the job.

Uh, what's the problem? I don't get it.

It shouldn't be up to a cartoon
to decide who gets elected.

It should be up to the students.

Hmm. Hey! Whatever you say!

You're the funny guy.
I just work around here.

Guy, if we change it,
we can't have it out before the election.

Well, if we can't pick who wins,
what's the point?

Why don't we tell people who won?

Brilliant! Love it! Print it!

Well, that means working all weekend.

Don't you think it's worth it?

Well, yeah.

Great! See you Monday!
You know where to reach me.

But I don't know where to reach him.

[man] Special election results.
Patti wins by three.

[Doug] As it turned out,
Patti didn't even need my cartoon to win,

and when she got Chalky
to join the team...

I want everybody to meet
my new vice-president.

[Doug] She proved right away
what a good leader she was,

and Beebe, our new treasurer,

went right to work
spending the Student Council budget.

Give a big round of applause
for our new school mascot.

The Big Beebe!

[applause]

This is your fault, buddy!

Hey, how about you do a cartoon
about getting me a recount?

I don't think so, Roger.

I'll make it worth your while.

Hey, keep the convertible.

I'll get you a penthouse apartment
with a pool, and a garden.

A maid... French.

[Doug] Oh, I almost forgot. My cartoon?

Well, guy ran the one I did
in the first place,

and it did exactly what a cartoon should,

it made people laugh
and maybe even made them think.

[laughs]

Hey, this makes me laugh... and think.

[laughs]

Whoa!

Well, I'm working on it.

[laughs]

-Oh!
-[crash]

[theme music playing]