05x15 - Doug's Secret Christmas

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[narrator] 'Twas Christmas in Bluffington,
and on Jumbo Street,

the Funnies got a visit
from a number-one cheat.

[snickering]

[grunting]

[narrator] For the Klotz and his friend
were out on a spree.

That is, till he noticed...

Hey, where went the tree?

[narrator] And it was not just the tree
that was missing that night.

Where was the holly?
Where were the lights?

Where were the stockings,
each with its name?

And where was the portrait
of Aunt Paldingame?

How could it happen?

The Klotz couldn't think straight,

until a small voice cried,
he was simply...

Huh?

Too late.

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

[Doug] Dear journal,

tonight, they lit the tree
in Bullseye Park.

That means Christmas is just a week away.

[cheering]

Every family in Bluffington

has their own traditions
around this time of year.

For instance, every year,

Skeeter stocks up
on instant hot chocolate,

marshmallows, and holiday TV schedules,

so he won't miss
one single Christmas TV special.

Even though he's seen them all
a gazillion times,

they still keep him
on the edge of his seat.

[announcer] The verdict is in.
The dog is guilty.

Oh, no! They put that poor dog in jail.

[Doug] And right next door,

Mr. Dink has his usual
gigantic display in his yard.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Dink.

-Aah!
-[Santa] Hubba, hubba, hubba!

-[Mr. Dink] Whoa. Hmm.
-[Santa] Hubba, hubba, hubba!

Oh, not "Hubba, hubba, hubba."

"Ho ho ho." [laughs]

In all my years,
I've never heard anything...

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Dalrimple.
I'll have this fixed before you can say--

-Hubba, hubba, hubba.
-Ow!

Hubba, hubba, hubba.

[Doug] I guess my family
has as many holiday traditions

as any other family.

The day after Thanksgiving,

I usually start putting up Christmas stuff
around my room.

Then, a few days before Christmas,

we always put up a big, giant tree.

The next night, Dad always puts up
the Christmas lights outside the house.

Then comes the last day of school.

[cheering]

Then Judy and me hang our stockings
to get filled.

Also on Christmas Eve,

we always visit Grandma Funnie
for fruitcake and presents.

But before anything else, comes the list.

I don't know, Porkchop. What do you think?
In-line skates or a dirt bike?

[whines, barks]

Maybe you're right. Both.

Mom!

[Judy] Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. Now, breathe out.

[exhales] Judith, believe it or not,

I still have a month
before the baby's due. So we really--

Hush. Silence. Concentrate.

Ooh!

Dad? You got a second?

Oh, uh, perfect timing, son.

I, uh, wanted to talk to you, too.

Before, well, before things happen.

Now, you know, I've sort of been trying

to have a little man-to-man discussion
with you,

because, uh, hmm...

Aha!

[to himself] "How It's Done:
The Birds and the Bees Story."

Well, I want you to know,
blank, that it's...

Oh. Blank's your name, Doug.
Uh... [clears throat]

It's important, now that you're going
to be an older brother,

to know where babies come from.

You mean that's what you've been trying
to talk to me about since summer?

Well, yeah. [clears throat] Yeah.

Oh, so...

All that talk about fish and vampires
and the internal combustion engine...

you really wanted to talk to me about sex?

Oh, yes.

I learned all that stuff in school.

-You did?
-Yeah, sure.

You see, when a man and a woman
love each other very much...

[Doug] So, Dad, that's how it's done.

Thanks, son. That was really informative.

Whew. I guess they left a few things out
when I was a kid.

By the way, son, I hope you understand,
with the baby coming,

Santa's not going to have
a lot of time for presents.

Oh. Sure, Dad.

Was there something
you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, nothing.

I was just working on a list
of, uh, baby names.

Let's see. "In-line skates."
Oh, that's a fantastic name.

Give me that!

"Dirt bike"? Even girls will b*at him up.

-Judy!
-Ooh. Well, I like Cleopatra.

[bickering]

Ready to start this all over again, dear?

Ooh! [laughs]

Hmm.

[Doug] Well, it was slower
coming than Christmas,

but they finally finished
Beebe Bluff Middle School,

on the outside.

Inside, things were pretty much the same.

I know. You're working on it.

At school, everyone was getting ready
for the holidays.

I wanted to ask you a favor.

Daddy's given the servants Christmas off,

and we're going snorkeling in Baluba,
as usual,

and I need somebody to feed my fish.

I'll feed them, neighbor.

Right. To your cat!

[snickering]

-What do you say, Doug? Can you do it?
-Sure, Beebe.

Hooty-hooty-hooty! Coo-yoo-yoo!

Boo-ya, boo-ya, boo-ya!

Did I scare you, my friend Doug?
[chuckles]

The holiday season is upon us once again.

Oh, hey, Fentruck.

Uh, Merry Christmas?

Fentruck, what are you doing?

Yes. In Yakkestonia, this holiday
is the scariest day of the year.

Everyone dresses up as goblins,
spooks, and large frogs

and goes from house to house saying--

Trick or treat, right?

Close. Uh, actually,
trubski or trettskish,

but I think it means the same thing.

You are so wise about Yakkestonia, Doug.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.

Who are you trying to goon?

That's not Christmas. That's Halloween.

No, Roger.

That is how we celebrate
this time of year in my country.

Oh, how international.

Don't kid a kidder, baby.

[Doug] On the way home,
I took a little detour.

Tonight was "find the perfect tree" night.

Make sure to give her plenty of water,
and she'll be just fine.

Well, looky who's here. My best customer.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Chestnut.

Come to pick something out?

Gonna be tough for you to top last year.

You and your family got my best tree.

Just looking, Mr. Chestnut.

I'll come back with my dad
in a little bit.

[Doug] Even though it meant a lot
of lugging and hauling to get it home,

it just wouldn't be Christmas
without a big old Christmas tree.

No peeking, Porkchop.

I'm home.

And boy, did I see some great trees.

I'll be back in a--

What's that?

Hey, Sport.

-Want to give me a hand with the tree?
-The tree?

Yes, sir. With the baby coming and all,
no time to make a big deal of the tree.

No muss, no fuss. Cheap.

Grab your coat, Phil.
We're going to be late.

Coming, dear.

But, but... well, I, I--
Where are you going?

Oh, birth buddy classes, honey.

If I'm going through this again,
your father's going with me.

Have fun with the tree, dear.

Make it say, "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas"?

It barely says "tree."

[Doug] Dear journal,

well, today was the last day of school
before Christmas.

Even having a dinky fake tree
instead of a real one couldn't wreck that.

Who knew?

It still might turn out
to be the best Christmas ever.

Mr. Dink was still working on his Santa.

♪ Doh doh doh doh ♪

There we go. That should do it.

Hardy, har-har.

Oh. That hurts.

Maybe it's time you called in
a professional, Bud.

I nearly got it, Tippi.
I've nearly got it here. [chuckles]

Ho ho ho.

Terrific. [laughs]

[Doug] In class, Fentruck gave everyone

a taste of a traditional
Yakkestonesian Christmas feast.

[cheering]

This can't be Christmas!
This is Halloween here!

No, Roger.

This is how we celebrate the season
in Yakkestonia.

Yeah, and my granny's the Queen of France.

Duh, she is? I didn't know that.

Can you get me her autograph?

Shut up!

[Doug] After school, Skeeter and I went
for some traditional last-minute shopping.

How about these? They're the latest thing.

Doug! What have you done to my ears?

I'll go deaf!

Um, do you have anything smaller? Quieter?

Certainly. Only, they're not as big.

Let me see if I have enough money.

[Skeeter] Hey, Doug. Come here!

Look at this, man.

A waffle iron?

A Christmas tree-shaped waffle iron.

Ahh. My dad used to make us
tree-shaped waffles every Christmas.

Until last year, when I made that diorama
of the battle of Mount St. Buster.

I remember that.

That forest looked pretty tasty.

Yeah. But the waffle iron
didn't survive the battle.

So, no Christmas tree waffles.

I never thought I'd ever find...

What is it, Skeet?

I was going to buy a new one
as a surprise gift for my dad,

but it costs too much.

I can't afford it.

How much money do you need, Skeet?

Wow. Thanks for helping me out, Doug.
I'll pay you back as soon as I can.

Did you find anything for Patti, man?

I'm, uh, still looking.

Cool. Well, uh, this is sure
going to make Christmas great.

Well, Merry Christmas, Skeet.

Merry Christmas, man.

Sixty-three cents.

What am I gonna get Patti with 63 cents?

Maybe I should make a stupid bracelet
out of the change, Porkchop.

Hey, wait a minute. That's it.

I know what I'll do.

I'll make something for Patti.

Hey, Mom.

-What are you cooking, dear?
-Something for Patti.

But don't ask a lot of questions, Mom.

It's a surprise.

How'd it come out?

Well, I still have to do some stuff to it,
but okay, I guess.

Well, I hope one of you busy people

finds time to finish the tree
for tomorrow morning.

Hmph! Some tree. That's not a tree.
It looks like some fuzzy TV antenna.

Just in time.

Oh, yeah.

[Doug] The day before Christmas
was my last chance to see Patti

before she left for her grandparents'.

Oh! Little ears! Doug, they're great!

I'll wear them tonight
at Grandma's big dinner.

How do I look?

Great. So when do you guys leave?

In just an hour or so.
I better get back soon.

But I have something for you, too.

Do not open till Christmas.

This is turning out
to be my best Christmas ever.

How about you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, Merry Christmas, Doug.

Merry Christmas, Patti.

[Doug] On the way home,
I stopped by Beebe's

to feed her fish like I promised.

Next door, I could see that Christmas
was in full swing at Roger's.

♪ ...Boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

[Doug] On my way home, I passed Chalky's.

His whole family had gathered
for the holidays, like they do every year.

[grunting]

Hey, Doug.

Want to join in?

-Ow!
-Yeow!

Thanks, Chalky, but I got to get home.

All right. Happy holidays.

[Doug] As I got closer to home,
I started to really want

a good old-fashioned
family Christmas after all.

I'm home!

Well, now, the whole Funnie family's here.

Welcome, Doug.

Join us in a Funnie Family
Christmas Special.

You're just in time for the big finish,
when the barn comes apart.

♪ You know it's time for Christmas, babe ♪

♪ Glitzy specials are so nice ♪

♪ While stars like me on your TV ♪

♪ Sing schmaltzy songs on ice ♪

♪ You know the rule of Christmas, babe ♪

♪ The more you give
The more you get, yeah! ♪

♪ So hitch your sleigh and make your way ♪

♪ To a factory outlet ♪

[Doug] Who knew?

We still might have
an old-fashioned Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Doug Funnie!

Do you like our seasonal decorations?

Well, they're very... Christmassy.

But aren't you afraid of getting shocked?

I am getting shocked.

[Santa] Blah, blah, blah!
Blah, blah, blah!

Perhaps you could tell us
why that Santa said, "Blah, blah, blah."

I'm not sure.

Doug Funnie, why are there
no Christmas lights on your house?

Don't your parents believe
in holiday spirit?

I'm home!

Now back to the news...

Douglas! Don't forget to wipe your feet.

What time are we going
to Grandma Funnie's tonight?

Oh, I'm afraid we won't
be going this year, honey.

Your dad's still at the mall.

Besides, you don't expect someone
in Mom's condition to travel, do you?

You men are so selfish.

Mom, could you get me some cocoa
while you're up?

I'll be in my room!

So, Porkchop, if you never
get a tree or put up lights

or sing songs or hang decorations,

does it even count as Christmas?

I can just see what it's gonna be like.

[clock ticking]

[clearing throat]

Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas, family.

[family, listlessly] Merry Christmas.

We can't let it happen like that!

-Come on, Porkchop!
-[barks]

I need a tree, Mr. Chestnut.

You caught me just in time, youngster.

I think I have just one left for you.

It's not much, but I hope it'll work.

Will this do the job?

Ah, it's great. How much is it?

Christmas Eve, I should be paying you
to take it off my hands.

Merry Christmas, son.

Thanks, Mr. Chestnut. Merry Christmas!

Even if nobody else cares, Porkchop,
we'll make sure we have Christmas.

Our very own secret Christmas.

[Doug] Dear journal,

since nobody else cared
about Christmas anymore,

Porkchop and I were having
our own secret Christmas,

up in my room, alone.

Merry Christmas, Porkchop.

For me? Thanks, Porkchop!

A brand-new journal.

What a pal! How did you know
I needed a new one?

I got you something, too.

[whines excitedly]

See? It's a "world's greatest dog" mug,
just for you.

[groaning]

If anybody else wants Christmas,
they're gonna have to come up here,

since it looks like we have
the only Christmas in the house.

-[click]
-[Christmas novelty song plays]

[sighs] Yep, I'll just wait right here
for them.

Should be coming up any second now,
coming up to join the party, yep.

♪ ...'Cause he glued a dozen pigeons
To his beard ♪

[DJ] That was the Bingle singers

in a special Christmas dedication
going out to Doug Funnie

from his old pal... Doug Funnie.

[groans] Where are they?

Doesn't anybody care
about Christmas around here?

[whimpers]

[Doug] Hello!

Where is everybody?

Mom? Dad?

Judy?

Where is everybody?

[telephone rings]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Doug? Oh, thank goodness you picked up.

Dad, where is everybody?

Well, we're at the hospital.
Uh, something happened.

Dad?

Dad?

We thought we had another week at least,
but in all the rush and confusion,

I, I guess we ran out
and sort of left you. Sorry.

Hurry up, Dougie.
They're gonna kick us out in a minute.

Mom?

Oh, hi, Douglas! Come here and see.

Wow!

It's your new baby sister.

What's her name?

We decided to use the names
you and Judy came up with.

[both] Our names?

[Theda] Douglas, Judy...

Meet Cleopatra Dirt Bike Funnie.

[both] Ohh...

-[thuds]
-[baby gurgling]

[Doug] Christmas came a few days late
to the Funnie household this year.

But it was still the best one ever.

Everybody was there.

I guess no matter how you celebrate it,
with lights or funny costumes,

on the 25th or 27th,
Christmas isn't just a tree and presents.

It's more like a... feeling.

Well, Doug, Mosquito told us
how you helped him get the, uh...

the, the thing, you know,
uh, that irons waffles.

-The waffle iron?
-Yeah, that.

It really made it an old-fashioned
waffle Christmas for us.

Thanks. Waffle?

Listen, you dress up in scary costumes,

you got door to door
shouting "trick or treat,"

you get lots of candy, that's Halloween!

No. Halloween is nothing like this, Roger.

In Yakkestonia, Halloween is when
a giant bunny comes and hide the eggs--

[thuds]

-Roger? You are on the floor, yes?
-No, no, no!

-What is that? Is that Christmas?
-No, no, no!

Arrgh! I should have known.

Hey, maybe this could be
our new tradition.

You guys should have a baby every year.

-[Doug] Hey!
-Out of diapers!

-Already?
-I'll go!

Hey, Doug, where are you going?

Diaper run.

Aren't you gonna open my present?

Your present! I forgot--

Hey, you're wearing the earrings.

Yeah! I like them, 'cause it looks
like somebody made them!

Well... I did.

I couldn't really afford--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut up and open your present, would you?

Wow! Cool!

-What is it?
-It's a scarf.

It gets really tiny at one end.
I sort of ran out of yarn.

You made this?

You knitted for me? And you hate knitting!

Merry Christmas, Doug!

Merry Christmas, Patti.

-Oh!
-Oh! [chuckles, sighs]

Just don't expect a sweater
next year or anything.

I'm done with knitting!

Come on, Porkchop.

[laughs] Happy New Year, Douglas!

Merry Christmas, Mr. Dink!

Ho ho ho!

Oh, great! Now you get it right!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

[theme music playing]