05x14 - Moonlighting Becomes You

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

But we are closing
in five minutes.

This way, please.

Smart?

- Maxwell smart?
- Yes, is that you, mason?

- Yeah.
- Here, take this.

I'm sorry, I can't chew gum. Just
had a tooth filled this morning.

This isn't gum, it's microfilm.

I don't know. I'll have
to check with my dentist.

Don't be ridiculous.
This won't hurt you,

As a matter of fact,
it's good for your teeth.

Are you sure?

Positive. Here, look at
what it says on the label.

"Approved by the american
dental association."

Well, that's different.

Why such elaborate precautions?

In case you're captured,

We don't want the microfilm
to fall into the wrong mouth.

- Now get going and make the delivery.
- Right.

- Yes?
- Larabee: chief, there's an important call

- for you on line four.
- thank you, larabee.

- Larabee.
- yes, chief?

- You're on line four.
- i know and, boy, is it important.

I'd like to hear what it is.

i thought you would. Max is
calling you from egypt on line two.

- Thank you.
- for what?

- For telling me about it.
- just doing my job, chief.

- Yes?
- Hello, chief. Max.

I just gave mason the microfilm.

What a relief. The way
kaos has been intercepting

Our agents lately, I was
afraid you'd never get through.

Everything went like clockwork.

Incidentally, that mason
is a real swell agent.

She ought to be. She's been with
overseas control for eight years.

"She"?

Yes, stella mason.
She used to be married

To harley mason of the
cia. They got a divorce.

She certainly fooled me
with that mustache and beard.

Max, stella mason
never wears disguises.

She doesn't? Oh.

Well, in that case I can understand
why her marriage broke up.

Ow.

- Good morning, chief.
- Morning, 99.

- Any word from max?
- He's flying home.

- That's good news.
- He failed his mission.

That's bad news. Chief, can I
talk to you about an assignment?

- Certainly, 99. Sit down.
- Thank you.

- How's it going?
- How's what going?

- Your assignment.
- I don't have one.

That what I wanted
to talk to you about.

- Oh.
- Chief, you stopped sending me

On dangerous assignments
as soon as you found out

That max and I were
going to become parents.

Precautionary measures, 99.

Well, I can understand that.

I can also understand your relegating
me to elementary courier duty.

But the twins are
six months old now

And I'm still doing
unimportant courier work.

- There's a reason for that, 99.
- What is it?

When you live with someone
like max for as long as you have

Some of the characteristics
of one person

Start to rub off on the other.

We all know that max isn't
exactly agile on his feet.

I mean, he's... Well...

I know what you
mean. He is, uh...

Well, you know we
all love and adore max,

But there's no
denying he's very, uh...

And we accept the
fact that he's, uh...

There's just no
getting around it.

There's not even a word for it.

- Do you follow me?
- Huh?

Now you see what you just did?

Max's influence is
showing on you already.

You're starting to take
up some of his mannerisms.

Are you saying that I'm
picking up max's habits?

- Yes, I am.
- Now that's ridiculous, chief.

Oh, sorry about that.

honey, would you
like some more coffee?

- Huh?
- I said...

- Would you like some more coffee?
- No thanks, 99.

As a matter of fact, I think this
shirt is going to be up all night as it is.

Here, I'll help you get
it cleaned up in a jiffy.

Max, do you notice
a change in me?

I mean, do I seem to be getting
clumsier and clumsier every day?

Clumsy? Why do you say that?

Because you drop a few things
now and then doesn't mean anything.

Something the chief
said today bothers me.

What did he say?

He said I'm getting more
and more like you every day.

Oh, really? In what way?

Like right now. You're
leaning on the table, right?

Right.

Actually, you're leaning
in the lemon meringue pie.

Go on.

I'll get it.

- Oh hi, chief.
- Hello, ma...

Sorry about that, chief.

- What's new?
- This suit was, until I walked in.

He did it.

Did you want to see me
about something, chief?

No. Actually, max, I
wanted to speak to 99.


What I said this morning

And what you said and
I've come to the conclusion

That you're right. You're
much too good an agent

And too vital to control not to be
given some of our more important cases.

Oh, chief, I can't tell you how
marvelous that makes me feel.

Well, it's almost 10:30.
Max, do you have a radio?

You don't need a radio, chief,
I can tell you what time it is.

It's almost 10:30.

I know what time it
is. Do you have a radio?

Oh. I want you both
to listen to something.

Man on radio: falling hundreds
of feet into the inky blackness.

thus in his quest
for the unattainable,

van borg's lust
ultimately lead to his death.

van borg fell into the very
cave he was searching for,

never to see the
light of day again.

you have just
heard the classic tale

"van borg and the lost cave,"

directed by hannibal day,
produced by hannibal day

and starring hannibal day.

this has been your
announcer, frank ogg.

this program is broadcast
to our armed forces overseas.

And also to kaos.

What do you mean, chief?

Kaos is using the
hannibal day program

To send messages to their
agents all over the world.

You mean that's how they knew
max was on a mission to cairo?

Exactly. Our only problem is we
don't know how they're doing it.

A code in the script?
Sound effects?

The organ music? We
just don't know how.

- What do you want me to do?
- 99, I've arranged for you

To go to work as hannibal day's
secretary effective immediately.

Oh, chief, I can't tell you how
much I appreciate this opportunity

To get back into action. And
to justify your faith in me,

I want you to know that
nothing, I mean absolutely nothing,

Will stand in the way
of a successful mission!

I'll get on it immediately.

As soon as I wash my hands.

Mi mi mi mi mi.

"Yes, it's time for
radio's greatest actor,

Producer, director and writer,

The incomparable hannibal day,

And tonight's classic thriller,

'Death in the cemetery.'"

Are your cues all marked?

Yeah, I'm just getting
the last of them now.

good.

Uh, mr. Day?

No, I'm his sound engineer,
roger hammerstein.

Oh. Well, I'm mr. Day's
new secretary.

Oh, welcome. I, um...

I hope you enjoy
your week with us.

- Week?
- We have a rather generous turnover here.

I have seniority right now.
I've been here three weeks.

Oh, how nice for you. I mean
to have all that security.

Uh, the great man cometh.

Good afternoon, mr. Day.

The script is a little long.

Mine isn't.

- Miss hickenlooper.
- Oh. Yes, mr. Day?

You played a major seventh chord

In our closing theme last night.

Oh, it was a hangnail, mr. Day.

I promise it won't happen again.

It had better not.

We still have those gaylord
carter albums, you know.

- Who is it?
- Hannibal day.

Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Day. I
didn't hear you come in.

For a sound
effects man, vasquez,

You have a rather
pitiful affliction.

- What?
- You don't hear very well, do you?

What?

Mr. Day, I'd like you to
meet your new secretary.

- How do you do?
- Does she have a name?

- Helen blake.
- You sound like a soap opera.

- Has she met everyone, roger?
- No, she just got here.

Everyone,

this is helen blake,
my new secretary.

Roger hammerstein you've met.

This is our organist
naomi hickenlooper,

- Frank ogg, our announcer...
- Hello.

Windy vasquez, our
sound effects man.

What?

Welcome to our happy family.

No no no no!

At the conclusion
of my soliloquy

I must have absolute silence!

I want my words to penetrate.

Miss hickenlooper.

In this part of the script,
where does it indicate music?

- I didn't play any music.
- Well, I heard something.

What was it?

Day: hmm.

New shoes.

Well, why don't
you get them fixed?

- Who...
- My name is cochran.

I'm with the f.c.c. You are a
control agent, aren't you?

Is this some kind of
joke, mr. Vasquez?

I'm cochran of the federal
communications commission.

You must believe me! I'm
not really hard of hearing.

What? Speak a little louder.

I pretended to be hard of hearing
so I could pick up some information.

- I know who the kaos agent is.
- Who?

What? Talk a little louder.

- Who's the kaos agent?
- You'd never guess it.

Vasquez, wherever you are, there's
supposed to be a g*nsh*t here!

Be right there, mr. Day!

- See you later.
- Quick! Tell me who the kaos agent is.

Meet me in the sound
booth after the rehearsal.

All right, let's take scene 14



Miss hickenlooper,
I will cue you.

Vasquez, we will begin with
footsteps walking on gravel.

Ready?! Now wait for
your cues, everyone!

"It was a soft spring night
as I walked along the trestle."

Vasquez is dead.

Shall I play something?

What happened?

There's been an accident, miss blake.
I think you'd better call the police.

- Oh no.
- How did it happen?

Windy was supposed
to jump in this box

And make a sound like
someone walking on a trestle,

But somebody wired the box

And filled it with water.

Windy was electrocuted.

There, 99, does that
make any sense to you?

No, chief, but it's so strangely
worded, I agree with you.

There must be a code
in there somewhere.

Well, this is cochran's script

And that paragraph
was circled in the script,

Which is probably
why he was m*rder*d.

If there is a kaos
message in there,

We've got to find
the code and break it.

Too bad that's not a crossword
puzzle. I'm good at those.

You are, huh?

What's a six-letter word
meaning "a boarded up house"?

- "Shut up"?
- Please.

Now let's try the
science of cryptography.

Supposing we use the
first word in each sentence?

"Please...

Nobody... Stock."

Try the second word, chief.

All right.

"Please... To...
Your... Nature"...

No, that doesn't
make any sense either.

Look at the fourth word
in the first sentence.

- "Control"?
- could that refer to us?

Well, let's try it. Let's see.

That's the fourth word,
let's underline that

And every fourth word.

"control... Will... Destroy...

Kay... Us"... Kaos!

"Head... Quarters...

Stock... Home"?
Stockholm, sweden!

"tomorrow"!

So they know about the raid.

But if this paragraph is
read over the air tonight,

- Kaos will be alerted!
- All right, 99, we'll make

A subtle change in the wording,
just enough to throw kaos off.

but that radio show must
go on tonight as planned.

- Right, chief.
- Now if we could just find out

Who wrote this script,
we'd find cochran's k*ller!

"Closed"!

- What?
- "Closed."

That's also a six-letter word
meaning "a boarded up house."

Oh, I'm late. Am I in trouble?

Of course, but so
am i. So is everyone.

- With the police?!
- No, with hannibal day.

He's not too happy
with tonight's show.

Oh, I don't
understand that at all.

I read that script and I think

It's beautifully constructed
and very sensitive.

As a matter of fact,
I would love to meet

That author so I could
tell him that myself.

Well, here's your chance.

Ah. There you are, miss blake.

How pleasant to see
your smiling face again.

Tell me, did you
get those notes?

Uh, what notes
are those, mr. Day?

The notes I've been trying to
give you for the past two hours.

We'll discuss your short
career in radio later.

At the moment, I'm in dire need

Of a woman screaming
on tonight's show.

- Can you scream?
- Well, I'll certainly give it a try.

Oh, that was splendid.

Can you do that again?

Well, if you can have that
mouse run across the floor again.

We're on the air in two minutes.

So we are. Miss
blake, come with me.

I'll show you where to stand,

And when the time comes
I'll tell you when to scream.

Mr. Day, I just
adore your script.

I understand that you wrote it.

There's someone here
you'd better meet...

Vasquez's replacement.
The union sent him over.

- Tut... Tuttle!
- Huh?

It must be an occupational
hazard. None of them hear well.

This is my former
secretary helen trent.

Blake.

Max, I didn't know you
were backing me up.

Well, after cochran
was m*rder*d,

The chief felt that it was too
dangerous for you to handle alone.

Day: miss blake! 15
Seconds to airtime.

Max, hannibal day
wrote the script.

He did? I just read
it. It's terrible.

Max, he's a m*rder*r.

Oh. Well, I knew
he wasn't a writer.

Hello, out there in radioland.

This is hannibal day.

"Yes, it's time for
radio's greatest actor,

Producer, director and writer,

the incomparable hannibal day.

And tonight's
classic thriller...

'Death in the cemetery.'"

My name is spinozo.

the name should
sound familiar to you.

i'm the man who lived twice.

It all began the night I d*ed.

it was 3:00 in the morning

when the doorbell rang.

I would have gone
right back to sleep

Except the knocking
on the door continued.

I finally had to get out of bed

Because the caller
was so insistent.

It was then I realized

That there were two callers:

One ringing at the front door

And one knocking at the back.

I think the place
was surrounded.

And then it started to rain.

My first mistake was to stand
and fight rather than run.

i... I knew I was surrounded

and to engage in battle
would prove fatal.

that's when I
picked up the Kn*fe

and threw it!

Luckily, the Kn*fe hit a
g*n lying on the floor

And the g*n fired once.

Twice. Maybe more.

Then I ran for the door...

On my horse.

But I wasn't sure if
it would open or not.

Just what I thought. The
door was hopelessly stuck.

But only for a minute.

If it hadn't been
for the landlady,

I might never have been saved.

Call it fate...

That caused me to fall
through the trapdoor,

Call it what you will,

her scream filled the night!

Due to technical difficulties
beyond our control

This half-hour program is
only 20 minutes long tonight.

Hammerstein!

Tuttle, you sh*t my engineer.

The name is smart...
Maxwell smart.

I'm an agent of control, and
this is my wife, mrs. Maxwell smart.

- Your wife?
- I'm also a control agent.

You mean you've been
moonlighting as my secretary?

Not exactly. You
see, I'm on assignment.

I was sent here to
uncover a kaos agent.

And that's him.

He can't be a kaos agent,
he's too good a writer.

You said you thought
the script was great.

Then you didn't write it?

I... Take credit for it,

But hammerstein there
was the real author.

Then he got what
was coming to him.

And it proves that
hammerstein is the kaos agent

Who's been transmitting
coded messages overseas.

One thing puzzles me, tuttle...

Or smart or
whatever your name is...

You sh*t him with a
sound-effects p*stol.

They're supposed to fire blanks.

That's right, max. When did you find
out that the p*stol fires real b*ll*ts?

Perhaps I can explain, 99.

When max first picked up
the g*n during the show

And was f*ring
all over the place,

I was behind a curtain.