06x75 - Vow of Silence

[bunniefuu]

It's been three days
in a row now, Ben,

that our paper hasn't
been delivered.

Do you have any idea
what's going on?

Well, maybe someone
from another apartment

got mistaken and took yours.

Well, you don't make that kind
of mistake three days in a row.

I don't know why you're so uptight
about it. It's just a paper.

I'm not uptight about it.

I just, I-I can't really
start my... I...

It messes the rhythm of my day.

If I don't have the Metro
section, Ben,

got the word scramble in it, and
it's got the, umm, crime report.

I love... dad, you're panicking.

What? I think...
You're all nervous.

No, I'm not, I'm not panicking.

I just like to know... you're
like an addict...

You're like a news addict.

I'm telling you, it's like
you need your fix.

It's awful.

It's not a fix, Ben,
it's a, umm...

Well, come to think of it,
dad, you don't ever go

without reading the paper
in the morning.

It's kinda annoying.

To who?

Well, to me, it's rude.

You know we have precious
little time together.

I mean, except for the mornings
and the evenings.

This is a good test.

I'm saying you should go longer
without the paper

and see how you feel.

I can do it,
I certainly can do it.

Dad, you can't handle
the media of silence.

I'm perfectly comfortable
with the silence, Ben.

That's-that is
my profession.

I embrace the silence.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I think you're the one who
can't go without the silence.

In fact, I will bet you

that I can go longer
without the paper

than you can go without talking.

Without talking?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna let you
make that bet.

I've already gone three days
without reading the paper.

You can't go... no no no,
that doesn't count.


That doesn't count.

'Cause we're making that bet
now... we start fresh.

This will be the easiest


Pretty cocky for a guy who doesn't
know what's goin' on in the world.

You're pretty talkative
for a guy

who's not gonna have
anything to say

in about 5 seconds.

That's right, when do we start?

- We start...
- Right now.

No, wait wait wait wait wait...

Hey hey hey, Ben?
Just stop.

- I win!
- No no no, you don't win.


I didn't say goodbye.

Bye.

Did you start it?

I did, you lose!

Y'know, dad, I don't lose.

- Get on your mark...
- Get set... shut-up.

Good luck, Ben.

Mm-hmm.

What?

Mm-hmm.

I'll see you later.

You're not gonna catch me.

Okay.

Hey, Laura, how you doing?

Fine.

Reading the paper?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I remember those days.

Huh.

You see, someone
keeps stealing our paper.

Oh, I bought this one.

No, I believe you, but
I really miss the news.

It's pretty... it's
disorienting, not...

I'm done with it,
if you want to look at it.

Thank you, I can't.

Oh.

I have a bet going with Ben

that I can go longer without
reading the paper

than he can go without talking.

So, ahh...

What kind of a bet is that?

Crazy bet.

How do you come up with that?

Because he was accusing me
of being

too dependent on the news
and the media.

Yeah?

And I said "Shut up!"

Ohh.

I'll tell you one thing
I'm not gonna do,

is look over your shoulder
at the paper.

Because, unlike my son,
I have strength

and I have the courage
of my conviction.

But, y'know, if somebody
was to read it to me,

strictly speaking, I wouldn't be
violating the terms of the, uh, pact.

I don't know, Dr. Katz.

Okay, then just one headline,

y'know, just something,
something... ohh, ohh!

Y'know what?
Read me the crime page.

Okay, just one, one item
and that's it...

Okay.

- For you.
- Okay.

"In a stunning development..."

Mm-hmm.

"See page a-4."

Okay, that ought to hold me.

Hello!

Too loud.

Oh, I was just saying "hello".

Could you just keep it down?

Hello, was that still too loud?

No, but it was still annoying.

Oh, alright.

You're Paul F. Tompkins,
right?

That's... yes!

You must have seen me,
somewhere.

Well, your name is on
the appointment list,

and you've been here before.

Oh, alright.

That's also good.

What does the "F" stand for?

It stands for "Francis".

Well, when did you start
using it in your name?

Oh, a long, long time ago.

Why?

Ahh, it just looks classy.

To who?

To uh, y'know, people who,
uhh, people who like letters.

Ohh.

"F"'s a good letter,
it's one better than "E".

It's got the two things
that jut out.

You could pick up meat with it.

Look out! "F"!

Are you sleeping all right?

I sl...
Ohh, I sleep great.

I'm very good at it.

You take any medication?

Well, y'know... beer.
I mean, if that counts.

It's a stimulant, actually,
and a depressant.

Yeah, that's what I like
about it.

'Cause it gets me all crazy
and then I pass out.

Yeah.

And here's what I like to do.

There's uh, y'know, like you can
get a uh, a case of beer

but they call it
a 24-pack...

So it doesn't sound, like,
that bad

that you drink a case of beer
by yourself...

"Just havin' a 24-pack."

I like to get a 24-pack,

y'know, just start drinking it by myself
with the lights off in my apartment.

I listen to the highway, and
I pretend I'm by the ocean.

That doesn't sound like a good
time... to be alone...

Mm-hmm.

With a case of beer.

A 24-pack!

A 24-pack.

See? Now it sounds like
a great time.

Hmm.

One of my favorite drinks
is guinness.

I like guinness for two reasons:

Number one, it'll knock you
on your ass, Jack.

And number two: Every year
at St. Patrick's Day,

guinness has this contest
where you can write in

and... it's an essay
contest...

You write an essay saying
how much you love guinness

and then if you win,
you win a pub in Ireland.

That's your prize.

Really?

Here's what's great about this:

First of all, it gets horrible
alcoholics to say

what horrible drunks they
are in writing. Uh-huh.

Like some guy writin' on some
stout-stained napkin,

"I love guinness and I wish
I could take a bath in it

and I wish I could cry
tears of real guinness."

That's great.

Number two,
the grand prize is...

You win a business that
you know nothin' about.

- That's your prize.
- Right.

You don't know anything about
running a pub,

now you're in charge of one.

Way to go!

That's like if the grand prize
was you got to build a ship...

"Hey, you won, get to work
on that ship."

"Well I don't think I know
anything about building a..."

"C'mon, get to work on
that ship! You won!"

"I don't think
I should really be..."

"C'mon, we need that ship!
Chop chop!"

"I... there's some mistake,
I think."

Hey, Ben, just 'cause
you can't talk, mm.

It doesn't mean you can't
use a napkin.

You have milk all over
your face...

Mm-mmm.

- And crumbs all over your shirt.
- Mmm.

Y'know, I cannot believe that
this is four days now

that the paper is missing.

And the crazy thing's
I don't even miss it.

Mm-hmm.

Y'know, I'm kind of enjoying it.

Wouldn't you say, Ben?
You agree?

You know what?

I can hold up your end of
the conversation easily.

Mm.

I'll tell you what you like
about me,

and correct me if I'm wrong.

You enjoy my company,

you enjoy my cooking,

you enjoy...

Uh, are you giving me
the finger?

Mm-hmm.

I guess that's allowed
under the circumstances.

Mm-mmm-mm.

Hey, I know I can speak, but...

Right back at ya, pal.

So, in retrospect, it may not
have been the best move.

First of all, I moved there
because I thought

it was a healthier place
to live, y'know?

I left New York City... the largest
outdoor mental hospital in the country...

- To move to L.A. to get healthy.
- Uh-huh.

And then I end up here.

What a trifecta... New York
to L.A. to Dr. Katz.

Woo! I can feel the health
flowing through my veins.

Dr. Katz's office.

Dr. Katz's office.

Mmmmm!

Ben, is that you?

Mm-hmm.

- Ben?
- Umm-hmm.

So I go down to this spa
for the weekend, alright?

Yeah.

You should see this place,
it's unbelievable.

You get there, every sign
in the place is:

"This is a place about quiet.

This is a place about peace.

Let go and let god.

Relax, relax, relax"...

You know what?

I'll relax when you
relax me! Okay?

I'm paying for you to relax me!

So you relax me, alright?

Mmm.

What kind is it?

Ohhh, yeah,
ohh, I mean... ohh.

You mean what?

Ohh.

Ben, you talked.

What?

You just talked again.

Did too!

Did...

You didn't hear nothing,
I didn't talk.

Oh, Ben.

Laura, shhh, forget it.
I'll call you back.

Dr. Katz's office.

I'm in the spa and I go for
their signature treatment, ok?

It's called the "whatsu"...
Mm-hmm.

Which they tell you is some
iroquois word

that stands for something...
I don't even remember...

Which really stands for, "We are
totally scamming you", okay?

I'm in a mineral pool
and some new-age dwarf

waddles into the pool
to cradle me.

They're supposed to cradle you
in this pool

until you become your
inner child again, alright?

First of all, I'm all open
for the experience.

I'm thinking this is
gonna be great.

I'm there with my girlfriend...
She's got the good therapist,

my therapist is 10 minutes
late, alright?

So they're already messing
with my trust issues.

I can't even trust this woman.

She waddles into the pool
and puts on

some breathy, forced,
new-age bogus voice...

"Hello, Sam. I'm Horizon.
Are you ready to do the work?"

Yeah, I'm ready to do the work!

I've been here 10 minutes, now
start doing your job, you goof!

You new-age water buffalo!

Cradle me and bring me back
to my childhood and heal me!

Get it?

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, that's pretty good.

So she starts with her untrained,
pathetic, weaved magic all over me, okay?

She can barely even hold me 'cause
her arms are so stumpy and short.

Yeah.

And then she decides that
would be a perfect time

to gently scrape my forehead
against the side of the pool!

What the hell are you
thinking, lady?

Like I needed to know
that kind of pain!

I wasn't in enough pain.

I need you to scrape my face
against concrete

to get me in touch with all
kinds of stuff

that I wasn't already
in touch with?

Thank you very much!

So, I go downstairs,
I get the paper

and that's how I sort of
get in the groove.

It marks the rhythm of my day.

- Your groove was off.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but there's other ways
to get news.

There's the radio...
And the TV.

I know, but that's part
of the deal,

is I'm not allowed to-to
to watch the news on TV...

Oh.

- Listen on the radio.
- Oh.

I'm not allowed to read
any newspapers.

It's a total news black-out.
Wow. Ohh.

News blackout!

So you've missed, uhh...

What have I missed?

Oh, there have been some...

The, uhh, Eric Clapton's
assassination of Neil Diamond.

Oh my god!

- Gary Coleman...
- Mm-hmm.

A multi-year contract with
the Yankees.

Ahh, I saw that one coming.

Y'know, sometimes I get
self-conscious about the way I look.

I mean, I'm sure everybody does.

And I have less reason than
most people because, y'know...

But, umm, even I get self-conscious
about the way I look.

But then, it's all a matter
of perspective, see?

'Cause, like, I stop
and think about it,

I say, okay, what do I do
every day?

- I eat nothing but fried meat.
- Uh-huh.

I drink a case of beer,
mm-hmm.

- And smoke half a carton of cigarettes.
- Ummm...

Well, then, I should look
a lot worse, shouldn't I?

Huh.
Yeah, look at me now!

- Now I'm not so bad!
- Right.

Now I got a little gleam in my
eye, a little hitch in my step!

Who's that handsome man in the
suit over there on that couch?

That's you, Paul.

I eat like a goat!

I should be dead!

I am baffled by people who are "thrown
off" by daylight savings time.

It's just an hour adjustment...
Twice a year.

- That's all it is.
- Right.

You don't even have to live
the hour that gets adjusted.

- Just fix your clock.
- Hmm.

But still, twice a year
you got people,

"Aw, I'm sorry man, I'm uh,
I'm kinda screwed up

'cause of, uhh,
daylight savings time."

It's just an hour!

- That's all it is!
- Huh.

There's nothing to be
disoriented by.

You didn't get off a plane
from Australia.

But still, twice a year, people,
"Uhh what? What?

Is this milk still good?"

"Uhh, who is
the president now?"

"Do I have a great
bushy beard?"

So, that's 1-3-5-5...

Mm-hmm.

Okay, we're missing one number.

I just need that final number

and we'll have that paper out
to you as soon as we can.

Umm. Ummm.

One?

Uh-uhm,
ummm.

Ummm.

Umm, umm, umm, umm, umm.

Ummmmm.

Ummmmm.

Ummmmm.

Aye.

Umm!



Uh-hmm. Mmm...

Zero?

Umm!

Zero!

Bingo.



Okay, thank you very much,
Mr. Katz.

You have a wonderful day.

Hey, Ben, how are you, man?

Mmm.

Whaddya have there?

Oooh... ooh,
a new release.

I hear it's good.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you know what?

Umm?

Mmmmf, ahhh.

Um!

You know I... ugh!

Ben, this is reserved, man.

Mmm.

This is... I can't rent you this,
give it to me.

Umm.

Ben, what are you doing?

Umm!

Are you all right, man? Mm-hmm.

You got... something in your
mouth you want to take out?

Mmm.

What the hell's going on?

Mmm, mmm-mmm.

I'm not gonna play
"hangman" with you.

You made a bet with your father that
you could take a vow of silence?

Umm...

That's funny.

Mmm.

I mean, not funny enough to go
through all this,

but it's funny.

Mmm.

Why would you bet your father?

M mmm mm-mm

your dad is gonna win this bet.

Yeah, he will.

You see what I mean...
I have to call your dad now.

Mmm-mm, mmm-mm!

No, you can't say
"Yeah, he will" and then...

Mmmm.

No, it's too late.

- It's tarnished.
- Mmm.

Your vow of silence
has been tarnished.

Come on.

Hey, Ben, what's going on?

Ahh.

Hey, hey, Ben, I'm talking
to you...

- Ahh.
- Ben.

That's our paper!

Mm-hmm.

Where did you get
the paper, Ben?

Was it in the foyer where
it's supposed to be?

Mm-hmm.

- Because I didn't see it this morning.
- Umm. Umm-hmm.

I heard there was
something awful...

I missed the tail-end
of it.

Mmm.

And you know what?
I don't give a damn.

Mmmm. I don't really
need to know.

I'm on a need-to-know
basis.

If it doesn't effect me
and my life

I don't need to know about it.

But, ahh, I'll tell you
one thing...

This global warming trend...

Oh, man, I am sweating
like a pig.

Give me the paper
or I'm gonna k*ll you!

Umm-umm.

- Please, give me that!
- No.

Give me the paper!

No.

I need to know!

Let it go!

Give it to me!

You lost!

No, I think it's a draw.

You just lost!

No, you talked, I took.

You grabbed the paper!

I know, but
I didn't read it yet.

You grabbed it first.

I grabbed it...
Didn't read it.

- You talked.
- You grabbed first,

then I said, "let go".

Yeah. Who...?
But...

So you looked at the paper...

No, I took the paper.

You talked, then I looked.

Did you see a headline?

- No. Oh my god!
- Yeah.

"Man takes paper from son".

Wow, that is some
snappy reporting.

- They're quick.
- Yeah.

What a relief!

Oh man, it's great to hear
the sound of your voice.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I mean it.
I missed it.

You know how many
"Umm-umms" I did?

Did you really keep your end
of the bargain?

Did you remain silent
the entire time?

Totally not.

Okay.

What about you? Did you read
the paper at all?

- Little bit.
- Little?

You know Ben, on every corner
there's a newspaper stand.

Umm.

- It's hard not to see it.
- Yeah.

You know, I'd have to
avert my eyes.

It's safe to say that I talked more
in the last two days than ever.

Really?

I talked to everybody
in the street.

I said "hello" to everybody.

So, what was it about your vow of
silence that was a vow of silence?

Well, whenever you were around
I just mumbled.

Oh.

You've lost every bet, I think,
we've ever made.

That's not true.

It is true.
It's the last one I won.

I think... didn't we do the Indian
leg-wrestling about a year ago?

Was that a bet?

I think it was just an accident.

Yeah, that was awkward.

You know who was great at that
was your aunt Sylvie.

Remember we had that bet
about duct tape

whether it was made from
ducks or not?

Yup.

And uhh, you won.

Well, I had an unfair
advantage... I'm not an idiot.

Hey, hey, hey, Laura,
how are you doing today?

Fine.

That's... y'know, those are my
significant others

in the background, there.

Oh right, you have a group
session today with your family.

Yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

I really wish you could be
in there to share it

and see how great they are.

Well, I'll be listening in.

You won't tell anybody
about this, will you?

Ummm, nnn-no.

I think that we need to de-escalate
the anger in this room,

because, in order for us
to make headway,

we have to sort of talk about
things in the abstract.

What's the point?

Are you two here gonna
help me or what?

Help you?

Help you, yeah.

Well, I'll tell you about that
in a minute.

No, I want to know right now!

Oh Sam, you're always so
entitled for chrissakes.

I'm entitled, yeah,
I'm entitled for love.

This is like that scene
in "Ordinary People".

Great, yeah, real
ordinary people.

I love you both so much.

Yeah, we're just the most
ordinary people on the planet.

We should just be at
Banana Republic right now

buying chinos for each other.

Well, I think when you
become a parent,

there's sort of an
unspoken contract

to display your affection
for your offspring.

Sam was very, very needy and
I knew that he needed a hug.

But he was so weird,
that I couldn't touch him.

I just couldn't touch him. Yeah.

Never mind, hug him.

And I've dealt with that shame
and guilt all of my life

and he, unfortunately,
is the result of it.

Exactly, that's
the whole reason I'm in here,

'cause you told me
I was a mistake.

Sam, I'm your mother.

What's your point?
Why are you in here?

Do you care about me?

Uhhhhhh...

You have to think about it?

So you were, at one point in
your life, institutionalized.

Uhhh, I don't like the word
"institutionalized" Dr. Katz.

I'm not really comfortable with
that word... with that term.

I'd like to call it a "Home away
from the home I never had".

And so when you were released, you
went to live with your family.

Is that right?

You get out of the nut-house and
everybody's afraid, y'know?

They all think you're gonna turn
into, like, Charles Manson.

Yeah.

I got home and my mom was like,

"Sam, honey, we love you
very much.

That's why we've re-decorated
your entire room in 'nerf'".

Hee hee hee,
boink-boink!

So what I think is going on here

is that this is the first
opportunity that you've had

to talk to each other,
face-to-face,

in a safe environment.

Oh, you're brilliant.

I mean, you are so good at what
you do, it's scary.

When's the book coming out?

Excuse me for being rude, but we didn't
need you to tell us this, Dr. Katz.

It's something we've all known
from our own therapist,

mine of 54 years...
I'm 64.

Wow, you've been in therapy
for 54 years.

That's impressive.

Yeah, and she did help me...

She's in the "guiness book",
Dr. Katz.

Right next to the fat bikers.

So you don't feel that it's
necessary for us to do this again.

- Yeah, I'm healed now.
- Really?

No, I'm gonna go work
at a nursing home

and I'm just gonna push
old people around

and tell 'em funny stories.

Oh good.

Oh, Dr. Katz, by the way, check
the evening news tonight.

Yeah.

You'll see an artist's
rendering of me

lifting my mother's head
into a ceiling fan, alright?

I love walking around town, especially,
like uh, New York City, y'know,

because, you walk around town,
you see all the hipsters.

- Yeah.
- All the alternativos.

These people are so cool,

they carry their cool
alternative pets

just on their person.
- Yeah.

You see a guy walking around,
he's got a crazy iguana!

- Up there on his shoulder.
- Right.

A little further on, somebody's
got a coo-coo cockatiel!

- Just hanging out.
- Mm-hmm.

And I think these people want
some response from you

'cause they've gone through the trouble
to put a live, exotic animal on them.

So, I think they want you
to do something like,

"Ahh-ah-ah-ah,
pardon me, sir,

is that a bird on
your shoulder?

It is? Well you must be
one fascinating individual!

Your personality is not at all
manufactured.

I say, what if we were to exchange
addresses and became pen pals?

That way, I could collect your
letters in a bound volume entitled:

'My correspondence with the most
interesting person alive'!"

Whoops, you know what
the music means.