06x71 - Ball and Chain

[bunniefuu]

Dad.

Ben, I didn't
realize you were here.

I mean, I knew you were here,

but I didn't know you were up.

Well, you know,
I'm a little mad,

because it's so late,
and where were you?

You know where I was, I was
out with, with Alice tonight.

You know that, Ben, I told you
I was going out with her.

I just didn't think...
What kind of woman would...

Keep a man out
'til five past midnight?

Well...

It's a little late
for a first date.

This is not our first date,
this is our third date

and we were having
a good time, and...

I was waiting up
and... was nervous

and anything could've happened.

You could have,
I don't know, gone off

and done something
stupid, like eloped.

Could have gone to Vegas
and lost all our money.

I don't know
what you're gonna do...

Ben, we were sharing
cherry cheesecake.

Don't make me ashamed of that.

Well, did you
go out, or did you...

Yeah, we went out for dinner,
we went to a bookstore.

She reads, huh?

Not only does she read,

she's written three
best-selling books.

She's a doctor?

Is she a medical doctor?

Or is she one of those
fake doctors?

No, she's an actual
medical doctor.

She's a gastroenterologist.

I'm a little confused how
you are a gastroenterologist

and you write
best-sellers.

Does she write about
gastroenterology?

'Cause that's not
a popular topic.

She's the author
of "Up Your Ass"!

Which has been on the top
ten list for 20 years.

She wrote a book


"I'll Show You Binding", no, no,

she wrote a book called
"Bound for Glory" and I think...

Any messages, Laura?

Dr. Webber called.

Twice, already.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Laura, can I
ask you something

that's really
none of my business?

And...

Oh... no!

Let me re-phrase
this question.

Can I tell you something
that's none of your business?

I'd rather you didn't.

Actually, I think I do
need to ask you something.

Can I ask you
something that's really...

You know what?

Just don't ask me
if you can, just do it.

Okay, here's the thing:

Have you ever been
in a situation

where you're going out with
somebody a couple of times

and all of a sudden,
you realize that,

there's no electricity there...

This is someone who
you prefer as a friend?

Of course,
Dr. Katz.

Well, how do you deal
with that situation?

Because I think...

Well, you just...

You don't go out
with them anymore.

You tell them,
you have to tell them.

'Cause see, this woman
I'm going out with, Dr. Webber,

I think she really
digs me and I think...

Did she say that she "digs" you?

No, no one used
the word "dig" until now.

I mean, are you
sure that you're not...

Reading the signs wrong?

No, in fact, this is not such an
unusual situation for me to be in.

It just hasn't happened
in maybe 20, 30 years.

Oh.

She's very charming.

And she's good company,
we have many things in common,

ahh.

We both love music,

we share a passion
for technology.

But there's something missing
in the relationship...

I think it's her chin.

Hmmm.

I've looked everywhere!

Well, you know,
she can't help that.

I mean, if you really like her
and you get along with her...

I know it's petty...

It seems so petty to find a
physical flaw in somebody

who is even mildly
interested in me.

Yeah.

Y'know, it's just you grow up

with certain
expectations in life...

A chin!

I just don't know
what to do, Dr. Katz.

Well...

I don't... every time I
go up on stage and I do my act,

my mother tells me that she
doesn't like what I'm doing.

And why is that?

Well, I'm talking about
Larry Hagman and the new liver.

She doesn't like that!

"I dream of liver...
That's not even funny!"

Well, it's not up to her.

I mean, that's...

She's telling me I can't do it.

"No, you can't do that one.

Don't be talking about me.

Don't be talking
about your father."

"God, why don't you
talk about yourself?

Yes, you do
have a weight problem."

Aunt Rose, she likes
what I'm doing.

"Yeah, that Kevin,
he's got the best jokes.

He's so handsome on stage, too.

He looks beauuu-tiful.

Oh, I love him on that stage,
sweating like a madman."

Okay, let's talk about
the young Kevin Meaney.

Let's talk about your childhood.

My parents would always have
company come over, y'know?

Mm-hmm.

"Mr. Richter's
coming over."

So I'd always hear that one.

"Mr. Richter's coming over

and he just
got back from Sweden

and he had a
sex-change operation.

I don't want any of you kids

to say anything about him
being a woman!

You've got something to say,

you just tell him
how pretty he looks!"

The peterkins were
always coming over, too.

Ugh, I hated the Peterkins.

They didn't have any kids so
they'd come over to look at us.

My mother was
always telling us, too,

that Mrs. Peterkin
was sick.

"She's sick, are you happy?

She's sick!"

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's got thyroid."

So don't be mentioning the GD
thyroid when she gets here."

We didn't know what thyroid was.

Next thing ya know,
Peterkin shows up

and she's got these
big eyes from outer space!

Yeah.

Sittin' around the dinner table.

She's looking at us,
we're looking at her.

Nobody's blinkin'.

Right.

Aunt Rose, she wouldn't make it
any easier on us, either.

"I hear ol' bug-eyed Peterkin's
coming over tonight.

Hey, kids, look what I got!

Bug-eyed Peterkin's eyes!

Last night,
they finally blew!"

Hey, Ben.

Dad, let me cut to the chase,

right now.

Okay, that'll be good.

Where's this thing going?

I mean, what do we see
for the future here?

I-I-I...

I don't know, I guess
we'll just talk

for a couple of minutes, then
I'll talk to someone else.

No, I'm not
talking about me, dad.

I'm talking about you
and what's-her-name.

Alice.

Yeah, I don't mention
her name in the house.

No, Ben, listen...

I just don't want this
to get out of hand, dad,

without you discussing it first
with your family.

Which is me and
that uncle we have.

Ben, I don't
understand what it is

that makes you
uncomfortable about...

I'm not mad about it,
I'm just saying...

You seem to be
deliberately leaving me out.

Like last night, you ended the
conversation very abruptly.

I know it was late, but umm...

What was that thing
"Good night" all about?

I didn't know how to
respond to the line

that "Women will
eat you alive."

Well, maybe I was
being a little too...

Well, I don't know, Ben.

But it seems to me that this
thing is moving at its own...

It has its own rhythm
and its own pace.

Oh my god, you slept with her.

No, no, in fact, we haven't
consummated the, uhh...

We haven't had any consommé yet.

Well,.

Dad, don't get me laughing

when I'm very upset right now.

Why is that?

Why wouldn't you want your
father to experience happiness?

Well, dad, y'know, I was
just a little concerned.

Maybe I don't want
to see you get hurt again.

You mean romantically.

Yeah.

Y'know, in every relationship,

somebody has the
upper hand romantically

and I feel like
in this one, it's me.

You got you got hurt by mom,
didn't you?

Well, we both got hurt,
that was...

It sounds like it's getting serious.
Well...

You shared cheesecake and...

Y'know, Ben, I'm just taking
this one day at a time.

Y'know, seeing how
this thing evolves.

It's only been three dates.

We had lunch,

right.

We had dinner.

And now...

You had dinner again.

I think I'm putting on weight.

Oh my god!

She's fattening me up
for the k*ll.

Is that how they do it?

You know how some people
want to grow old together?

Mm-hmm.

She just wants to
explode with me.

Laura!

Ohhh, here comes trouble.

Clever.

Let me tell you
something, Laura.

There's love in the air
and it stinks to high heaven.

You know what
I'm talking about, right?

No.

Well, my dad is practically
getting married

and then we'll...
He is?

Well, you know my dad is going
out with a woman now,

- right?
- Yeah.

Have you noticed lately that
my dad has been, you know,

very into this relationship?

Like a little too much?

No, not really.

It's happening...
It's happening.

Ben, I mean, that
would be a good thing.

No, that's not
a good thing, Laura.

It's not good
to get involved with a woman

when you're over 40.

I mean, there's a point
when you gotta stop.

Well, I think
you're overreacting.

I-I... in my mind I think
he's getting ready

to hook up to the
old "ball and chain".

Well, what makes her
the ball and chain?

Laura, let me explain
something to you

about the marriage
tradition, alright?

Okay.

In the olden days, Laura,
women would stay at home.

Yeah.

Raise kids...

They would milk the cows.

They would take that milk,
make butter with it.

Yeah.

They would also
make milk with it.

They would make heavy cream.

They would make ice cream.

Then they would make
the hot fudge.

Okay, so your point?

My point is that women
make dairy products.

How is your social life?

Things are not good,
my social life is not very good.

Umm, how should I put it?

Well, let's say Anne Frank
got out more than I do.

Mm-hmm.

Y'know, I always
had this fantasy

when you get together
with someone...

Y'know, you have a relationship,

you say these really cute,
sweet things to each other.

Right.

Every time I'm
in a relationship,

I always wind up
saying things like,

"What are you picking?"

So, Carol, do you find that
when you're in a relationship,

you tend to sabotage yourself?

I don't know.

I have very
high standards, y'know?

A lot of women
like the strong, silent type.

Not me.

What do you like?

I like 'em weak and chatty.

Well, you were married
not so long ago.

Can we talk about that?

Well, I was married.

I was married for four years.

Y'know, at least I got divorced.

You know what cracks me up are

those people who have
their marriages annulled?

That's supposed to mean
the marriage never existed?

Boy, talk about denial.

What do you say to people when
they see your wedding album?

"Oh, that was just
some play I was in."

Check me out, Todd.

You got two copies
of the same movie there, Ben.

Right...
"Kramer vs. Kramer."

I got two because
I'm going to watch it twice.

It's a mistake, right?

You don't want
both these, right?

No, I said I'm gonna watch 'em
twice, so that's why I got two.

What's the problem?

Why are you getting
such sad movies?

Two sad movies?

I think sometimes people
are in the mood to watch

a film about
family falling apart.

Don't make me do
this dance with you.

What specifically
is bothering you?

Well, y'know, my dad...
You don't want to hear.

I sure do!

Well, it's depressing

and I assume you
don't want to hear it.

No, I want to hear it
more than ever.

Well, y'know, my dad's
been on like...

Now he's seeing someone.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know that my mom
left my family a long time ago.

Yeah, right, whatever.

Yeah, thanks for the support...

And then recently over
the last couple of weeks,

my dad's been seeing this
woman pretty seriously, and I...

Uh-huh.

I'm starting to get the signals

that it's gonna end in
something awful, like marriage.

You think they're
getting married?

Well, I mean...

Oh my god, that's great!

No, that's not great.

Y'know, if he
marries another woman,

then she's, you know,
like it's a whole new family.

I gotta get to know her...

Nah, you don't have to
get to know her.

I have to do the obligatory,
one year of hating her.

I think you gotta think of your
dad's point of view. Y'know...

He's getting a little older,
he probably, y'know,

he wants to rush things
a little bit, and so...

Yeah, that's my point...
He's making a mistake.

Don't you want him
to be happy, though?

Don't you want
your father to be happy?

No, I like him like he is.

What about you?

You must know
what I'm talking about.

You're obviously
from a broken home.

I'm not, actually.

My parents have
been married 25 years...

Happily married 25 years.

You're kidding!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You see your parents a lot?

Yeah!

Like, how often?

Saw 'em...
Four years ago.

Well, I would assume that
if you loved your family

that much, you'd see them
more than every four years.

It's because I love them that I
only see them every four years.

Well, it sounds like
there's a problem there.

Hey, I'm not the one renting
"Kramer vs. Kramer" twice.

Well, you know, I need help
now, not hurt, Todd, so...

Put one copy of this back, then.

Ahhh-choo, oh god,
I'm sorry, I sneezed on you.

Jesus, will you wipe it up?

'Cause I had a peanut,
I had just eaten peanuts.

You gotta learn how
to eat your food, man.

Oh my god.
Todd, I'm sorry.

I've never done that
to another man.

So anyway, what was I saying?

Maybe I just better go.

Hello, Mr. Meaney.

Hello, Laura,
back again for a check-up.

Great, well, it's
nice to see you.

Is it really?

Hmmm...

Well, you should say
that it is good to see me.

Y'know, when you come
into this office for

two, three, four, five years.

I don't know how long
I've been coming here.

Nine years.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Could you
take a seat, please.

No, I'll stand, thank you.

And I'll pace.

I'll stand and pace,
pace and stand.

Stand and pace, pace and stand
'til Dr. Katz calls my name...

- Kevin?
- Arrrhhhh!

How is married life, Kevin?

It's good...
Marriage is good.

Marianne really
makes me feel good.

So your wife is
in what trimester?

I don't know...
She doesn't tell me anything.

Well, how did you find
out she was pregnant?

Y'know, it's just
instinct, I guess.

Y'know, I come home
and cook dinner for her

and the next thing you know
she comes in and...

She's eating
everything in the house.

That's why I think she, y'know,
might be with child.

Did you ask her?

No!

Well, it strikes
me as odd, Kevin,

that you just wouldn't ask her
outright if she's pregnant.

Maybe I should call her
on the phone and...

But why didn't she
tell me if she was?

Isn't that her responsibility?

To tell me?

Maybe she's afraid
that you would have...

That you would react badly.

Why would I react badly?!

That's, that's what I mean.

I'd be excited!

Here's what I'd
like you to do...

Before next week.

Talk to her about her pregnancy.

Just ask her outright.

Say what?

Is it Anna?

No, it's Marianne.

Okay, I'm sorry,
don't say "Anna" then.

Say "Marianne, are you
in fact pregnant?"

"Marianne, are you
in fact pregnant?"

No, but use your own words.

Right.

Marianne, are you
in fact pregnant?

And try to let her know that

this is not... that
this is good news for you.

Yes!

Okay, I'll be, is it "Anna"?

Marianne!

I'll be Marianne and
you ask me the question.

Marianne, am I
supposed to be Marianne?

No, no...

Marianne, I'm Marianne!

No, no, I'm Marianne.

I am Marianne.

No, I'm...

I am, I...

Stop it, stop it!

You're snoring, stop it!

Now I'm Marianne!

Okay.

Ask me now!

Um, Marianne...

Yes!

That's great, honey!

Dr. Katz's office.

Oh, Laura, what a day.

Mm-hmm.

Y'know I was making up
the list for the wedding

and of course,
you're on it... plus one.

Of course, when he gets married

I just want to make sure
that everything is set

and there's no one else
to plan it.

I mean, the only other person
who enjoyed planning weddings

was my mom, and obviously
she wouldn't want to plan it.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I was just
hoping to get married

before my father got married,

I guess I'm old-fashioned
that way.

But, so what do you think,

are you ever gonna get married?

I mean, you're getting
to the point where maybe...

I don't know, maybe,
if the right guy comes along.

Laura, you gotta
get out of your dream world

and stop believing
in this fantasy

that some white knight is going
to ride up on his white horse

and tap you with his white hand
with a white glove on it

and take you to white,
to Whiteville.

I mean, you're not
getting any younger, Laura,

and it's getting
to the point where...

Alright!

You better take
what you can get.

So will you marry me?

No!

Double wedding!

Me, you, my dad,
the doctor, makes sense!

Laura?

So what did I miss?

Where were you?

I had to bring some...
Glasses up.

You missed all the
lower intestine talk.

Oh, I'm really glad about that.

No, I was telling Stanley that

I've gone out with
this woman three times now

and we've sort of
reached an impasse.

A blockage, as 'twer.

No, no...

No, an impasse.

About what, an
emotional impasse?

Emotional impasse,
but she, y'know,

she writes extensively about,

about... she's a
gastroenterologist.

There's no pretty way
to say that.

Y'know, I'm not even really sure
what kind of doctor that is?

I'll give you a hint.

Ewww... is that
what she does?

Nnnnooo.

She deals with any kind
of digestive issue.

Uh-huh.

Y'know, she's very charming
and attractive and...

Well, sounds good.

Well, here's the thing...
I'm not sure

that it's a relationship that
I'm excited about pursuing.

Hmm.

It's awkward for a man to be...

She's coming on
very strong to me.

She is.

Like what? Like how?
Like, like, like...

Well, I think she is.

I have to say, I'm not
a hundred percent sure

that I'm the expert on
how to read these signals.

Y'know, I think she was putting
the moves on me last night.

So...?
Which moves?

We had a couple of drinks...

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

I was feeling
particularly vulnerable.

Yah, yah...

She asked me to come
back up to her place...

- Yeah?
- Yeah?

And then she said...

These are the words
that I was dreading...

She said, "Let me
put on something slinky."

And?

She put on a slinky!

Stop!

And 45 minutes later
I'm sitting in there,

waiting for her to come back.

No, no, she came back.

This is, this is where
I think it went wrong.

She said to me,
"I want you."

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

And I said,
"Finish your thought."

Dr. Katz, this box
came for you.

It's from Dr. Webber.

Wow, that's...

Oh, look, it's her latest book!

"Dear Jonathan, thank you
for a lovely evening.

I hope you enjoy this read.

Some people think
it's bathroom reading.

Fondly, Alice Webber."

Hey, this is really sweet.

Y'know, I think this is...

She's very attractive.

Y'know, being an
attractive person

is much more than
what you look like.

Right.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you call Dr. Webber
and tell her

that tonight's
not gonna work out for me,

that we'll do it
again real soon?

You want me to call her?

Would you?... Because otherwise
she'll talk me into it

and I really don't want to...

I don't think I could sit through
another meal with this woman.

Dr. Katz, are you asking me
to break up with her for you?

Wouldja?

Yeah!

I just think movies today
are just, too violent.

It's scary, I mean, I took
an 8-year-old to see Godzilla

and he cried
through the whole thing!

Although it
could have been because

he didn't know who I was.

Do you still want to
have kids, Carol?

I would like to have a baby,

but I am afraid of
the pain of childbirth.

Mm-hmm.

And other women
who've been through labor,

they're like a bizarre cult.

They can never really tell you
what the pain is like.

Yeah.

Y'know, I'll ask them,
"So is it like,

really, really,
really bad cramps?"

And they just go...

"Oh no, grasshopper."

I feel good about myself.

I've been working out,
y'know, that's good.

Mm-hmm.

I lost... 40 pounds.

You look, you look great.

I gained it all back,
but I did lose the 40 pounds.

Well, you know, you go
through these cycles, Kevin.

I'm not miserable, I'm just,
just a lot of anxiety!

Mm-hmm.

It's good to let it out...

Sometimes!

Ahhhhhh!

Whoops!

You know what
the music means, Kevin.

Ah... oh god.

Our time is up.

Well, dad, I'm shocked to hear

that it didn't
work out with you.

Well, you know, what happened?

How did it...

Y'know, there is something
very exciting about,

about a new relationship
with someone.

The prospect of being
intimate with somebody

for the first time is exciting.

That's the illness.

But y'know, it played
itself out very quickly.

That's a surprise...

Who do you blame
for the, for the...

I gotta blame this one on you.

No, no.

I certainly didn't
provide you the support.

Maybe I overreacted.

Well, I think that
you were afraid

that maybe I was
going to re-marry,

which is something that
I don't even consider.

Do you think someday
you'll get married, Ben?

Hmmm.

Because I actually think
you are the marrying type.

I think you'd make a great
husband, a great dad.

Yeah, I just don't think
I would be well-suited.

I mean, think about it,
the same person, day in day out,

sitting across
the table from you.

Every stupid thing he says,
every boring story he tells.

How come you keep
saying "He, he, he"?

You're talking about me...

Oh my god, I'm sick
of the way you talk.

And the way you eat.

Like you eat out of
the corner of your mouth.

And here's another thing
that bothers me...

Why do you throw away the cream
when it's half-done?

Because if you don't throw it
away it'll turn, it'll go sour.

It doesn't get bad
after one day.

We should get counseling, Ben,
this is so petty.

That's typical of you
to say that...

"We should get counseling".

So smug.

I'm not being smug.

I'm trying to salvage
what's left of this marriage.

Why don't you just go to work
and I'll clean up?

Okay, Ben, I'll
see you later, then.

What time you gonna be home?

I'll be home the usual time.

Well, don't be late, and...

Do I get a kiss
on the cheek or what?

Yes, you do, come here!

Ow, that tickled.

Why do you do that?