06x70 - Used Car

[bunniefuu]

Can I look at part of the paper

while I'm just
sitting out here, Laura?

What are you looking at, there?

Well, I'm sort of
looking for a new car.

Oh, you're kidding,
that's great.

Well, not a new car
but a used car.

I mean, I could never
afford to buy a new car

on this salary.

What are you thinking of?

What kind of car, a sedan?

Or a sports car?

- Ummm.
- A station wagon?

Just something
that I... I don't know.

It's so hard!

Well, I might be able
to help you.

Actually I know
quite a bit about cars.

- Really?
- Yes.

These guys,
they prey on women...

Used car salesmen.

What do they do to us?

Ever hear the expression,

"He's like a used car salesman"?

Yeah.

Well, these are the guys who
made that expression possible.

God, I never
made that connection.

You will.

They know they can
take advantage of women.

Because they don't have the
knowledge of the automobile

that most men have,
including me.

How do men get it?

I actually got it
from my stepmother.

Oh.

Yeah.

Huh...
Good story.

Yeah.

Armed with that...

So what I'm thinking is
maybe I can come along

and just sort of ask
some of the right questions

and make sure these guys
don't step all over you.

Well, like what
kind of questions?

Well, like umm,
"How much is this car?"

Or "How much is that car?"

Hmm.

Greg, I'm not doubting you

when you say you're
happy all the time.

But my guess is that,

underneath that thin
veneer of happiness

is a man in pain.

I could be fooling myself,
let's take a look at it.

Okay.

Let's get in there and find out

if I'm not just kidding myself.

I like your attitude.

Because you know
what I'm all about?

No, I don't.

Checkin' it out.

Well, you came to
the right place, Greg.

I'm also all about
checking it out.

Greg, is that a...
What is,

is that a picture of
a toaster that you're holding?

Yeah.

Hmm!

This is the Williams-Sonoma
stainless-steel 4-slice toaster

with the 2 wide slots, that make
the natural leap from toast...

To toasted sandwiches.

Yeah, it looks like an
extraordinary machine.

You can't make sandwiches
in your toaster.

No, I know that.

You would toast and
then put stuff on toast

or then you can put stuff
in the toast and then toast it.

Right.

So then you would eliminate
the whole middle part

of having to
put it on afterwards.

It sounds great.

It's mantastic!

Yes, it is.

My girlfriend took me
to the symphony

which was real nice...
I'd never been.

Mm-hmm.

And they have this
soloist come out

and he's playing
the cello, right?

So he comes out
and he's playing cello

but he's got long hair...
A little bit long

and he's starin'
at the audience a little bit

and he's kind of boppin'
his head up and down

like he's in Metallica.

And my thought is,

"Well excuse me, are you
like the 'bad boy of cello'."

Is that what this is?

Like he plays cello
but he's got long hair.

You know how when there's a
normal group of people

and they have their little
normal thing that they do

and they have their parameters
and they have there rules

and then there's
the rule-breaker.

But he's not a rule breaker
he's just assumed that role

because he's got some haircut,

like that skater, Elvis Pachinko,
or Patrinko, whatever it is.

Like he's the bad boy
of skating... ice skating.

You still just do... This,

that's all it is,
it's just jumpin' in the air.

Right.

Look if you rob banks
and sh**t junk and skate,

then you're the
bad boy of skating.

Otherwise you're just a guy
with a bad haircut.

What was it that you wanted
to do when you were a kid?

I wanted to be a professional
football player.

But I wasn't very good.

In fact, I didn't even
get past high school.

In fact, this is the
only compliment I got

in four years of
high school football:

I was a senior, it was halftime
of a game that we were losing.

I was the
second-string fullback,

the first-string fullback,
a guy by the name of Ken Flax

was having a bad game.

The coach gets us in
the locker room...

The coach goes,

"We got a guy out here...
Number 44, Ken Flax,

runnin' like some
kind of a p*ssy!

We got guys like
Greg Behrendt here,

work hard all week,
who will never see the field."

Laura is buying a used car

and I offered to help her buy it

because it's scary out there

for a woman in
the used car world.

You're gonna help her negotiate?

That's not your strength.

I'm also gonna give her a lift,

that is my strength.

Well, I used to
do that, you know.

What do you mean...
You used to sell used cars?

Yeah.

Really?

I did, for about 6 months.

Can we do a
little role-play

where I'll walk in
and I'll say, hello.

Hi there, how are ya?

I lose.

Hi, dad.

Ben.

Yeah, hi.

Hello.

I'm just...
Gonna get something

from the cupboard.

Well, help yourself
I mean, I'm just, uh...

Yeah, I don't want to get into

a big thing about it, alright,

I just want to get
something, then I'll go.

You don't have to go anywhere

I'm just reading
the paper, that's all.

Right, I've noticed.

You've been reading it
for like an hour.

I think you made your point.

What, that I'm interested
in current events?

Look, I want to clear the air.

What do you mean,
"Clear the air"?

Why don't you put down the paper

then we can talk dad,
instead of ignoring me.

I wish I knew what
you were talking about.

Ayyy, that's funny
that you're...

Playing that game.

No, I really don't know
what you're talki...

Dad, you're not helping
by making me more mad.

We've had fights before
and we've made up before

so let's make up.

Okay, I'm up.

Put the paper down!

Hey, Ben, do you think
that you and I had a fight?

Because the next time
that we have a fight

I wish you'd let me know.

What about the fight
we had this morning?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

You don't...
Remember the fight.

I don't.

Over breakfast...
We were both sitting...

Facing each other.

I remember that.

Fighting.

I don't remember that.

You don't remember that?

Hey, would it help if I said,
"Ben, I forgive you"?

Well, don't just forgive me

if you don't know what
we were fighting about!

I know you remember and now
you're just saying that but...

Hey, Ben, will you
lighten up please?

Well, I'm so sorry that
I have problems too, y'know?

Your patients aren't
the only ones.

Does the Mall of America
mean anything to you, dad?

Ah-ha-ha!

Wait...
Yeah!

Help me out.
I see your face!

Mall of America...

I suggested we go on a vacation.

Then you said "No, I don't
want to discuss it any further".

And you got very curt.

I'm sorry if in some way I
seemed dismissive of the idea.

Are you sick of me or something?

I'm not sick of you at all.

In fact, I love
spending time with you.

Oh, you know,
speaking of which, Ben...

I know we had talked about
going out tomorrow night,

to a movie or something?

Yeah, we had plans, we'd...

Yeah, I actually
won't be able to do that

because I told Laura I would
take her shopping for a car.

Wha-what abou...

Are you okay?

I'm speechless!

We're in the middle of
tryin' to work out a fight.

And then you just tell me...
We had plans tomorrow night

now you're breaking them?

Well, I'm sorry.

Okay, so we're not going to
the Mall of America together.

Right.

Now, tomorrow night,
which was movie night,

you're not taking me
to the movies

because you're
going out with Laura.

I wanted to help her
buy a used car before...

I don't even know who
I'm talkin' to anymore!

Ben, check the name tag.

What's it say, "dad".

"Hello, my name is dad."

Yeah.

Why do you wear that?

Where's your name tag, Ben?

I gotta get one.

You know where you can get 'em?

The Mall of America!

That's right.

We should go!

Okay, you put this on first,
this is your girdle.

Hmm.

You put your kneepads on,

these socks that
go on the outside

these are old
"Vancouver Canuck" socks.

Huh.

These skates are tight.

Okay, put on my shoulder pads,

then next, put on
your elbow pads.

Now your Jersey...
The helmet's a good thing.

Your mouthpiece goes in...

Okay, I'm gonna skate around
the office a little bit

and just check things out.

It's almost like you're
wearing a coat of armor

and I don't think
you need that in here.

It defends me from the pucks
that people sh**t at me.

Yeah, Ian, but in here,
we don't use pucks.

Dr. Katz.

Yeah.

I never know when I'm gonna get
pulled into a game, alright?

At least take off the helmet.

You sound like my mom.

So, Ian, you're not
an only child?

I have a sister, Dr. Katz,
and she's a figure skater.

She's really a figure skater?

No.

So you guys are close in age.

Um, I'm 6 years older than her.

That's close, isn't it?

Yeah, so the kind of
familial closeness

that you knew as a child,

I'm sure you miss that
living in the city now.

Yeah, when I first
moved to the city

I stayed with a friend who had
a dog who had a crush on me.

I was sitting
on the couch one day

and he actually
mounted my shoulder.

It wasn't so bad that he was
having his way with my shoulder

but he wouldn't look at me
while he was doing it.

That hurts.

So Ian, do you want to be
involved with a woman...

In a serious relationship?

I wanna get married one day.

I wanna marry a girl
that's already got a kid.

That way when that kid asks me
a question I can't answer

I can look at that kid and say,

"Go ask your dad,
you little bastard!"

Well, I was curious
when my dad told me last night

that you were gonna buy a car

and he said he was
gonna go along.

Yeah?

I kind of laughed,
had a sip of my tea,

leaned back, thought about it

and said, "I should go with you"

because I happen to be
familiar with

the used car market.

Well, how is that?

Number one, I read the used car
section of the paper every day.

Well, what information
can you get from that?

Number two, I know a little bit
about cars because, I uh...

Well, I see them all the time.

Hmm.

Well, have you thought about
what kind of car you want

or have you just...

You know, low miles, no rust.

How much money are we talkin'?

Over 3 or under 3?

About 3.

So are we talkin' about a hard 3

or we talkin' about
"Well, you can do 3700"?

What did I just say?

You didn't say anything.

I said 3!

Well, we're running into
problems already.

Because let's say
I've got something for 33,

is that gonna stop
you from buying it?

Yes.

It is?

Yes.

Okay, see that's stupid.

'Cause I have something here,
a beautiful car for 42.

I mean, I know its $1200 more

and I mean what's
the difference 3, 42.

I mean, you're gonna...
You're gettin' a better deal.

Are you with me?

No, not at all.

I gotta be honest with ya...

I'm not gonna sell you
a car for 3,

I'm not gonna do it.

Okay then, I'll go
somewhere else.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not done.

Okay, well, thank you very much.

It is beyond my comprehension
to sell you a $3000 car.

It doesn't make any sense
for anybody involved.

I'm talkin to you,

I'm talkin to your
old boyfriend here,

who's... wandering
around aimlessly

whaa... who is this guy?

Get outta here!

You know what?

I'm not selling you a car,
your old friend.

Get out!
You're done!

I'm done with you!

I'll sell you
a $3000 car, lady, ah?

Wooooooo!

What's up, Ben?

Hey, Todd.

I gotta tell you this, man,
I gotta tell you this.

What? What?

We're gonna be havin' a big sale

on previously viewed movies.



It starts Saturday
morning, 9 o'clock.

But special
customers like you...

Come here at 8 o'clock.

What?



At 8:00?

Come here at 8 o'clock,
special customer.

So you're havin' a sale...

Ssshhhhh.

Yeah man, 50% off!

Previously viewed movies.

What does "previously
viewed" movies mean?

All of these movies
are previously viewed.

They're rentals.

Starts Saturday
morning at 9:00.

What is wrong with you?

But you're a special customer,
you can come at 8:00.

I honestly don't
like the whole idea of

of previously viewed,
that's dirty.

We've washed all of them.

Washed the videos?

Doesn't that ruin 'em?

No, the cases, not the video.

I do have a thing
about touching used videos.

Dude, you've touched more
than I have.

No, I actually don't touch them.

What do you use,
tongs or something?

I have my video gloves.

This is like a
Petri dish in here.

Everybody comes in and out, you
don't know who's renting videos.

Yeah.

Y'know, I gotta be
honest with ya...

Like the third week
I came here...

I don't think you
were working here.

I got a fungus.

But you've been
seeing a therapist.

Right.

And she referred you to me,
which I appreciate.

Yeah.

Why did you stop seeing her?

Well, I found myself
being... coming to uh...

I was very attracted to her.

Well, that's a conflict, Greg.

I found myself embarrassed
in front of her.

But I'm not embarrassed
in front of you at all.

So I guess I don't have
a crush on you.

Well, give it time.

Let's try and focus
on the real issue

which, I think is this rage that
you've been telling me about.

You ever get mad at your house

do you want to break something
but you can't 'cause you own it.

Like you're mad and you
pick up a plate and you go,

"come on" and then you go
"oh ", you know

because it's part of a set
or it's fiestaware.

I understand the feeling.

Not a problem for my friend
Axl Rose of g*ns-N-Roses.

Who, while mad at his house,
relieved a little tension

by pushing his white
baby grand piano

through the plate glass windows
in his house and into his pool.

Whoosh!

How good do you think that felt?

Mighty good.

I will never be able to do that.

I don't even have a piano.

My parents have one I'm not
allowed in that room and I'm 35.

The best I can hope to do is
throw a harmonica in the sink.

Ehhh.

What's with mints lately?

Have you noticed whenever you
go out now, to buy mints

there's all these
different mints.

And it seems like they're all
in this weird competition

to be strong.

You know what I mean?

Mints aren't supposed
to make you cry.

You're not supposed to put a
mint in your mouth and go,

"Oh god, get it out
get it out, please!"

You know what I mean, and it
seems like the smaller they are

then the more strong they are.

'Cause you go,
"Do you want a Smint?"

And then I go, "No, I think I'm
too weak to have fresh breath."

So how did the negotiating go?

Well, I think,
for him, it went ok.

This was not
the car of my choice.

These guys, they know how to
play this game so well.

Well, maybe I should
go talk to the guy, dad.

And you and Laura wait here.

Y'know, I think this car has
pretty much everything I need.

I am bored.

I thought this was gonna be fun.

Let's take this one for a drive.

Dad, put the key in the ignition
and let's get going, okay?

How do you get this
thing into second gear?

Dad, you gotta start the car.

I know but to get into reverse
you shift to the right and...

Do you know how to
drive a stick-shift, dad?

I do.

And then you go down,
you push down...

Who are you telling?

I'm reminding myself.

Hey, hello?

I'm back here.

I haven't driven a stick
in about 15 years.

Let's go, come on, let's go!

I just don't want to...

No, dad, dad!

Yes, I hear you.

Calm down.

Laura, switch.

You drive!

Dad get in the passenger seat.

I'll stay back here.

At least let me,
get us off the lot.

Because then I can tell
you how the car handles!

Why are you yelling?

Hey, here are some old chicken
nuggets on the floor.

Do those come with it?

I guess.

It's got the
honey mustard sauce.

Ohhh.

Pass 'em.

This would be a
good time to down-shift

if you want to get off
at this next exit

you might want to consider
down-shifting here.

Guys, turn on the tunes.

Let's get it going.

I brought tapes.

You might want to
pop it into 4th gear now.

You don't even know
how to drive this car.

"Ben mix '98".

Some of these cars

aren't designed to go over 40
miles an hour in 3rd gear.

And uh, one's called "Soul Ben".

I'm not in 3rd gear,
I'm in overdrive.

Laura.

That's reverse, Laura.

Laura.

Ben, what?

Radio.

Get some tunes goin'.

I want to be able
to hear the car...

See if it's making
any funny noises.

Laura, watch the left.

Ben, stop looking at yourself
in the rear-view mirror.

I gotta get a feel for
what I look like back here.

'Cause I'm using that
to see out the back window.

Alright, don't panic.

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to
focus on this car and driving

and you guys are just
being really annoying.

Laura, do you any
idea where we are?

Sort of.

Oh great, we're lost.

You know, I know a couple of
great car games.

Oh, what about,
"I'm going on a picnic."

I don't know that game.

Wait!
What was that?

What?

That sound?

There's something
stuck under the car.

I think it's the
bottom of the car

scraping against the pavement.

Why don't we just bring it back
to the dealership now and...

Can you please just look?

No, I'm not getting out
in this neighborhood.

Dr. Katz, you're gonna have
to get out to let him out.

Just come out here
for one second.

Well, push up,
I can't get out of here.

Pull that thing and release

Ben, don't force it!

I'm tryin' to get out, Laura.

Ow, my god.

Laura, he's wedged in there.

No, I can't breathe.

Push up your seat, dad.

It won't go up any further.

Geezuz.

Laura, you might
have to get out, too.

Pull on my arm.

I got it.

Dad...

Ohhh god!

Ahhh.

Whooo, sweet release!

Okay, thanks a lot, you guys!

Laura!
Hey, Laura!

Laura!

Laura!

Ben, she's just kidding.

I'm sure she'll be right back.

It seem to be emitting
a lot of exhaust.

Where are we, exactly?

I don't know.

I think there's a Taco Bell
within walking distance

so I'm not that worried.

Let's hit it.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad that's over.

I didn't realize it was
illegal to hitchhike there.

I thought we had a nice time.

I think I handled the
state trooper very well.

But you know, I'm glad
we had a night together.

It was a chance for us
to spend some time together

in the Breakdown Lane.

Yeah, we don't get enough
time together to bond.

Yeah.

You know, even though
we didn't say much.

I think just celebrating our
collective fear of the unknown

was a bonding experience.

You know what does not look good
in a bad neighborhood?

An old man and a young man
hugging for 5 minutes straight.

Yeah, I think I'm
a middle-aged man.

I'll tell ya, buying
a car is not easy.

I take it back.

'Cause it's a game
with these guys.

It's a game I never
want to play again.

No, it's not fun.

You know who really
handled it poorly?

Laura.

No, you.

That was my next guess.

Well you did talk to the guy.

I mean, I heard you

and you got him to go up $200!

Which was a sweet piece of
negotiating on your part, dad.

Because he didn't realize
that there were side air bags.

It was nice to mention features
that he didn't know about.

I didn't want to
rip the guy off.

You're being very honest.

And I don't think it hurt.

It certainly didn't hurt us.

No.

Or the car salesman.

Nope.

The only person
it hurt... was Laura.

But that's not our problem, Ben.

I guess you're right.

Because I offered
to help her buy a car

and she rejected my offer.

Well, you did help
her buy a car.

Just the wrong car
for the wrong price.

Yeah.

I think we learned
a lesson last night, dad.

Which is?

We should go to the
Mall of America together.

Ben, I thought we were
going to back off that issue.

What if we do this?

Okay...

We don't go to
the Mall of America.

Okay.

What if we just go to the mall?

Just you and I, for 2 weeks.

Call me an old softy but it's
starting to sound pretty good.

Alright, you're an ass.

No, I said call me
an old softy, just once.

You're gonna make me say it?

Here's 20 bucks,
call me an old softy.

You're an old softy.

You sonovabitch!

Come here.

Get over here.

Boom!

You first, pow!

Oh, dad, we need
a vacation, don't we?

There's a new GAP in the mall

and from that GAP
you can see Banana Republic.

Dad!

It almost makes you
feel like you're in Europe.

I swear to god.

Mount Rushmore...
You ever been there, Dr. Katz?

- Been there?
- No.

It's a crap.

Huh.

It's a bunch of heads carved
on the side of a mountain.

Right, I've seen pictures.

No hookers, no gambling.

Well, it's not
that kind of place.

Lot of old people love the heads

carved into the side
of the mountain.

That's why they go
before they die.

I was standing next to
one old lady and I go,

"So, uh, lightning
did this?"

I actually plucked
a nose hair once,

have you ever done that
Dr. Katz, before?

Yes, I have.

That's no fun.

No, it's painful.

Oh man, I couldn't believe
the pain... I was like,

"La la la la la plink ehhhh".

My eyes started to water,
my knees buckled

I hit my head on the sink,
I woke up 7 hours later...

Four more hairs
hangin' outta my nose.

I have this apartment in
Los Angeles that I like

but I have ants.

You know, how like
whenever you see ants

they're always goin' in a line

because they gotta
"Get the thing" or whatever.

It's gotta suck, bein' an ant

because obviously there's somebody
back at the hole that goes,

"Go get the thing!"

And then they come right back.

Do they go around?... No.

Do they take a break?... No.

Well, I think they have
a sense of urgency.

So I was fascinated by these
ants in my apartment because

they weren't like that.

They weren't in a line
goin' to get the thing.

They were by themselves in
different parts of my apartment

like there was one
over by the clock

and there was one
walkin' across the bed

and two walkin' side by side
like they were havin' a chat.

And I go, "Wait a minute...

These ants aren't
like other ants."

These ants are
self-actualized.

Maybe these ants came
outta the hole and went,

"Screw you!"

And then I loved them.

I thought, "Wait a minute,
these ants

are having an uprising
in my bedroom,

I started calling them
"the freedom ants", y'know?

And I couldn't k*ll them
but I loved them

and they were everywhere
you know what I mean

but they inspire me
to be my own man.

I went out and quit my job,
I don't care.

Really?

Then... I come home

and six of 'em
are eating a piece of soap.

Now, I don't know a lot
about ants, but I know this:

They're not supposed
to eat soap.

Right.

There's no property in soap
that they need back at the hole.

And then I realized
I'd been duped.

These ants aren't freedom ants,
these ants are just dumb!

They can't even form a line.

They don't even know
what "the thing" is.

There just walkin around goin',
"I don't know, try the soap."

And I'm mad and
I'm pissed and I'm goin',

"Hey, what are you doin',
you're eating soap!"

You must have been devastated.

Greg, you know what
the music means.

Good-bye.