06x64 - Sissy Boy

[bunniefuu]

Hi, dad.

Hi, Ben.

I'll tell you something, dad...

This world can be cruel.

What's goin' on?
Wh-wh-why you uhh...

You know Jimmy Salare
who I went to school with

and still lives on Beechwood.
- He still lives around the block.

He was in front of the store

and he said something to me.

Yeah.

He called me a sissy.

Like he used to.

And then his son said it too.

Well, you know,
you-you...

I mean, don't you reach a point

at a certain age

when you don't call someone
a sissy anymore

and you start using swears?

That's true.

You should tell him to grow up.

Ha ha ha!

What did you say?

I pretended I didn't hear him.

Then he started shouting it.

So that backfired.

Yeah.

Well, I did come back and
I told him to step back

'cause I'm joining the m*llitary.

And did he believe you?

Yeah, he called me
a sissy again.

"Wow, I didn't know they take
sissies in the m*llitary."

Yeah.

So, at the end
when I was walkin' away,

I said, "Hey, at least I'm not
doin' nothing with my life."

That's tellin' him, Ben.

Yeah.

But that also backfired
pretty quickly.

Why?

Well, I'm doing nothing
with my life.

You're going into
the m*llitary, Ben.

Dad, I'm not kidding.

I mean, maybe I said that
in the heat of the moment

but when I was walking
home afterwards,

I'm thinking
it's not a bad idea.

I'm gonna join the Army.

Or the Navy.

Or both.

Well, it actually might be
a good experience for you.

The m*llitary needs more sissies.

I could change the whole
complexion of the m*llitary.

And then I was thinkin', dad,
if I joined the army...

I could k*ll Jimmy Salare.

That's true.

I would get a pearl-handled
sidearm, like Patton...

Mm-hmm.

And I'll sh**t Jimmy Salare.

I'm in full uniform,
who they gonna believe?

I wouldn't mention that
to the recruiter.

What, that I-I'm joining 'cause
I want to commit m*rder?

I would think that would be
a good thing.

Hit me in the stomach
as hard as you can, dad.

No.

No, I'm serious.

No, I'm not programmed
to do that.

Hit it right here though,
right in the center.

Ahhhhh.

I didn't feel that.
Hit it harder.

Let me take a good sh*t, here.

Well, don't wind up,
that's how Houdini d*ed.

What's my favorite type of
movie, though, honestly, dad?

Uh, "Sissy Boys Go to Hell"?

Ha ha ha!

Hi, I-I'm Ted Alexandro.

Could you have a seat, please?

Okay, so I'll just be over here
if you need me.

Okay.

You know, I can't help but ask.

You look very fam... did I
go to high school with you?

I don't think so.

I could have sworn 'cause you...
God, I think we did.

Well, where did you
go to school?

I went to St. Francis Prep.

Where?

St. Francis Prep.

I've never heard of it.

Never?

No, never.

Because there's just a girl
who sat behind...

Can I sit... can I sit
behind you for a second?

No.

You know, it might have been...

Did you ever go to
a football game

at St. Francis Prep?

No.

A basketball game?

I've never been
to St. Francis Prep.

You know what I think
it might have been?

What?

The Dance-A-Thon at
St. Francis Prep,



Yeah, that was it.

The B-52s.

We danced together, didn't we?

- So, are you going to homecoming?
- Mmmmm.

Ten years comin' up.

♫ On for old St. Francis,
on red and... ♫

I'm sure some of your teaching
experience, was pleasant.

Yeah.

To me, like the funniest thing
was watching little kids

try to say the
pledge of allegiance.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause they don't know what
the hell they're saying.

They try to say it right but
it will come out like anything.

They'll be like,

"And Tuna Republic
four midgets stand

one Asian, wonderbra
invisible library

injustice for all."

And then the other kids
will correct him like,

"It's not 'Four midgets stand',

it's 'Four witches stand,
one Asian wonderbra'.

So stupid."

I think my favorite teachers
were probably art teachers.

Mm-hmm.

They were so bizarre, you know?

They were like the
homeless people of the faculty.

All dishevelled and dirty,

just always digging
through the garbage

looking for bottles and
egg cartons and things.

Just always making announcements

when you're on your way
out the door already...

They'd be like,

"People, people... listen up...
Pe... ge... get him.

If any of your neighbors
or relatives

have any paper towel rolls

start bringin' 'em in...

We're going to be making
vases for Mother's Day."

And it always backfired on me,
because around mother's day

my mom would get all depressed
and start yellin' at us

how we were selfish and
only thought of ourselves.

Mm-hmm.

Which only made it worse
'cause then,

you had to whip out
the paper towel roll, like,

"Huh? You were saying?

And I believe this
pasta necklace is yours too."

I think that the
best part of all

when you're in grammar school...

Has gotta be when you get a sub.

When you get a sub
it is like pandemonium.

As soon as the sub
walks in the door

the rules fly
right out the window.

Everybody's changing seats,
it's like,

"Sit anywhere!

She'll never know!

How could she know,
she's a suuub!"

Right, you do that
little sub dance...

Even the kids who couldn't dance
would be like,

you walk in like,
"What, do we have a sub?"

Uh-huh!

And there was always
one part of the sub's name

that could be made fun of...

Yeah.

Mrs. Tittleman.

Mrs. Dinglehoffer.

I think that's how
you got to be a sub.

The review board was like,

"I'm sorry Mr. Smith,

we just don't have any work
at this point.

Mr. Wilcox...
Right this way!"

Hey, dad, can you keep it down?

I'm trying to watch
the news here

and there's so much
conflict going on now, you know.

It's just like, ridiculous.

Yeah.

But I'll tell you something,
this guy's gotta be stopped.

Oh, that's for sure.

But my feeling about
all this conflict in the world

is that it can be resolved

in a peaceful manner, you know?

- No no.
- Just by talking things out.

Oh, come on.

You know, I make my living
solving problems by talking

so it's very hard for me to think
that the world can't do that.

What a sissy.

I mean, at this point,
right now, dad,

where we stand...

Right.

I would not be surprised
if we went to DEFCON-4.

What is DEFCON-4?

DEFCON-4 is the
final moment before we...

We launch?

We press the buttons.

You know, before
this administration,

there was no button.

It was all manual.

Ha ha ha, you had to crank.

But you know what, dad?

Right now, in my life,

I don't have a lot
goin' on. Right?

Mm-hmm.

So, is the m*llitary
that bad an option for me?

I don't really think you understand
the concept of boot camp, you know?

It's not really like camp.

Hmmm.
No softball?

No. And you didn't
like camp.

You came home after 3 weeks
with pink eye,

you remember that?

Yeah, that was hell.

And the camp director was
trying to convince us that

it had to do with kids peeing
outside of the bunk, you know?

Right in my eye.

Ha ha ha!

Y'know, Laura, may I say
something to you?

Could you have a seat, please?

C-c-c-can-can I tell you
something?

I have a feeling
you're going to.

Okay, okay.

I-I-I'm sure a lot of people
think that you're not warm

or you're unenthusiastic
or whatever.

You know how I find you?

I find you refreshing,
authentic, and... sweet.

Really? Wow!

Uh-huh.

Thank you.
Don't don't...

That's really nice.

Ay, be careful there.

Tell me to shut up or
sit down or somethin'.

Can you sit down now?

Yes, that's it.

Seriously, could you sit down?

Yes, ma'am, yes, I will.

Are you like
really crazy or like...

You're sweet.

Tell me how are you sleeping.

Are you sleeping okay?

You seem well-rested.

Yeah, I had a great
night's sleep

and I dreamed a lot too.

Do you want to tell me about it?

I was aware that I was gonna have
an interview with Laurence Olivier

and I was a little
nervous about it.

I don't blame you.

I went in and he...
We had some exchange right away

it was a little funny

and then he made me feel
right at ease,

he was very talkative.

That was a gift he had.

Yeah?

And what do you think
that dream was about?

Jeez... I don't know.

Was your father's approval
important to you growing up?

I-I-I worshipped my father,
I kind of imitated him.

Mmmm.

Were you getting
at something, did you...

No, I'm just trying
to help you figure out

what that dream means.

Mm-hmm.

Freud said it's
the dreamer not the dream.

Hmm.

He knew how to stop
a conversation, Freud.

Hi, Laura.

Hi.

How you doin'? Hmm?

Do you have something
in your teeth?

Why? You got a problem?

Well, you keep sucking on them.

Have you ever been called
a sissy, Laura?

No.

You're never gonna believe this,
but yesterday,

I was walking home from
the store, right?

Yeah.

This guy, who I know,
calls me a sissy.

Oh, I hate that.

I thought you said
you never got called a sissy.

Yeah, but I hate guys that
call people sissies.

Well, I called him one back.

Well, I hate that.

Well, he called me one.

Then you're no better
than he is.

No, I'm a little better.

You have to think of
something better to say.

I called him a chump once,
I think.

Chump is good.
I like chump.

So was your father's approval
important to you, growing up?

I know I just asked you that.

Are you kidding?
You didn't, you weren't...

You know what, this pen isn't
writing, I'm sorry, Jeff.

But you don't have to
refer to your notes

to refresh your memory about
something I just told you, do you?

I do listen, but you know, sometimes
listening and retaining information

are two very different skills.

But I'll bet it's true...
I'll bet you see...

I mean, how often...
How much are you in here?

You see people just one after
another, like a car wash.

It must be boring,
tedious and uh...

I love my work.

I love delving into
the realm of the unconscious.

In fact, I think I might be
slipping into that realm right now.

Okay, well, I feel bad that
I'm not entertaining you.

No, that's no...

That's me, that's my thing
I feel like I...

You don't have to
entertain me, Jeff.

That's not the arrangement.

You come here and you pay me
in exchange for which...

Ahem, well, let's
come back to that.

It's not that
I don't want you to.

Umm.

I just know that you won't.

No, I mean, look,
the only problem I have, right?

Mm-hmm.

With joining the m*llitary is
I have flat feet.

Do you?

Take a look at these!

Ewwwww.

Yeah, I also have smelly feet.

Yes!

My bunkmate's gonna be
pissed off.

No, because I was
gonna ask you... yes?

If it's important
to you to be liked.

If I were to be honest...

The answer would at least,
in some large percentage,

would have to be "yes".

I'm trying to leaven that...

Mm-hmm.

With a little healthy and
mature sense of myself.

See what I mean,
am I talking too generally?

No, I think what I
hear you saying, Jeff,

is that you want to be
graded on a sliding scale,

like everybody else.

Ha ha ha.

But that your approval rating
is down six percent.

Okay, before I go, Laura,
I want you to do me a favor.

What?

Take your best sh*t.

Really?

Ow, take your best sh*t
right here at Ben.

Okay!

Right here in the stomach...
Not the stomach, the arm.

My dad hit me in the stomach
this morning.

Look at the raspberry.

Wow!

Punch me in the arm,
right here, as hard as you can.

Alright.

Go ahead, take your best sh*t.

I'm sure... just...

You're a girl,
but I'm sure you...

Maybe that you got...
You're packin'...

Alright, here we go.

God, Laura!

Again?

Shut up!

Let me ask you,

have you seen these
cops on bikes around here?

Yeah, I've seen them.

Aren't we getting a little
too recreational here?

I mean, what's next,
the cop on a pogo stick?

It'll be like, "Pull over!

Pull over!"

I would think the squad car cop
is to the cop on a bike

as the sketch artist
is to the Etch-A-Sketch artist.

It'd be like,

"Okay, what'd he look like?

Okay.

Mm-hmm, right, okay.

Was he going downstairs,
by chance?"

Do you do any
dream analysis, Dr. Katz?

I do, but that's extra.

I had this dream the other day,

that I was makin' out
with my cousin...

Yeah.

Can you read anything
into that, doc?

I'm trying, I think...

It's not so much what
that dream means to me.

It's what it means to you,
and ultimately to your cousin.

Right.

But it also could be
a longing for

a familial closeness that
you're missing in your life.

Yeah, I can see some
validity to that.

Mm-hmm.

But, why her?

I have other cousins that
are more attractive.

You gotta start somewhere.

You know, Dr. Katz,
I'm single...

And occasionally
I'm asked the question,

"So what are you, gay?"

Which bothers me,
not because I dislike gays

or think there's anything wrong
with being gay.

But why does it immediately
have to be that?

Mm-hmm.

You know, Batman, superman...
They were single.

Did ya ever think of that?

I might be a superhero.

No, you're absolutely...
What?

Maybe the demands on my time
are such that

a relationship,
as much as I'd like one,

is out of the question
right now.

Maybe my love for this
great Metropolis

supersedes whatever petty need
I have for intimacy.

Umm...

Hey, Todd.

What's wrong, man?
You look uncomfortable.

Yeah, can I use the john?

Oooh oooh.

The latrine?

You know I can't
let you use the bathroom.

What are you talking about, you
can't let me use the bathroom?

See the sign over the
"late fee" sign?

"Customers can't use
the restrooms."

Right.

Yeah, but, Todd,
I'm not a customer.

You sure are a customer,
you're a very good customer.

Well, buddy, and I
call you "buddy" 'cause I...

'Cause you need to use
the bathroom, I understand.

Yes.

You're my buddy now.

Come on, Todd,
I know there's a sign

and I know there's a policy

but policies are made
to be broken, I mean, I...

You know how many policies
I broke today?

Hey, if it were my store you
totally could use the bathroom.

Well, where's Vic?

Vic's actually in the bathroom.

How long's that gonna take?

He's reading the new
Leonard Maltin Guide in there.

That's over a thousand pages.

Yeah.

Y'know, I got hit
in the stomach by my father.

Accidentally, I hope.

I asked him to.

You wanted to get punched
in the stomach?

Well, it was...
It was a test of will.

What's that thing on your arm?

Um, I got hit.

You got hit again?

Yeah, yeah.

Not by my dad, this time.

Who hit ya this time?

Look, this is a little
embarrassing.

I just want to go to the
bathroom and then get outta here

and maybe rent a video,
how 'bout that?

I'll tell you what,
if you let me punch you...

Are you serious?

I'll look the other way.

Because that way
I can justify it.

I can say, "Hey, I punched
him, I work here."

Well, you know what?

I'm gonna pee right here,
because this is crazy.

I will c...
I'll call the cops.

There's no way
outta this, right?

I gotta get hit!

You don't have to get hit,
you just won't get to use...

All because some guy
called me a sissy.

When does it end? Huh?

Someone called you a sissy?

Just hit me.

Alright, where do
you want me to,

I'll let you choose
where I hit you.

That's how nice I am.

Alright.

The ass.

You want me to punch your ass?

I kind of do, yeah.

I mean only because it's the
most padded part of my body.

Hmmm.

What if someone comes in and
you're punching my ass?

What if someone comes in and
you're using the bathroom?

Alright, go ahead, punch.

Okay. Boom.

I peed!

Ben, you know a lot of these
wars that happen today

happen on computers...

Right.

One guy pushes a button

and several people die.

See, that's good for me because
I'm not a g*n guy, you know?

Or a Kn*fe guy.

I'll tell you, when I get
going in the m*llitary...

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna do
hand-to-hand stuff.

Y'know, it's hard
to go through life...

Being a timid non-violent...
Somewhat fearful individual...

Well dad, you seem
to have the hang of it.

I know what you're doing

and I think what's
important for me

is that you understand
the difference between

being manly...

Well, you know...
And being a man.

Well, dad, you're saying
that I'm, uh, you know,

you're saying I'm soft.

I'm not saying you're soft.
I'm saying that you...

Well, you said I'm timid,
non-violent...

Didn't you say soft?

No.
Oh.

I said timid,
non-violent, and fearful.

I never used the word soft.

I'm not those, I'm soft.

Oh.

Fluffy... cute.

Let me ask you this, Ben,

because I think
a lot of this, is all has...

It's you wanting to know
what you're made of, really.

Yeah.

Would you lay your life
on the line for me?

No.

Would you lay your life
on the line for me?

I absolutely would
in a heartbeat.

You would?

I would take a b*llet for you

and bring it wherever
you would like.

Ha ha ha.

No, I would lay my life
on the line in a second.

Would you play Russian roulette
with me, right now?

No. But thank you
for asking.

So bottom line, dad,
what do you think?

I should join or
I should refrain?

I say, refrain, you know?

Don't think of it as retreat.

Think of it as having
the courage not to join.

So what do I do, let's say I
see Jimmy Salare tomorrow

on the way back from the store

and he calls me a sissy.

What do I say?

You can't let him
get to you, Ben,

because, think about
what kind of miserable wretch

would call a 25-year-old man
a sissy.

What kind of suffering is
going on inside that mind.

I'd like to know and then
use it against him.

Well, maybe you can ask him.

So I should say...

I'll be Jimmy Salare.

Okay.

Hey, sissy boy!

Sissy boy Katz!

Hey, Jimmy, let me
ask you a question.

sh**t.

No, you gotta cut me off
with more sissy stuff...

'Cause he wouldn't let me.

Hey, Jimmy, let me ask you
a question, seriously.

Yeah.
Nice blouse!

I don't know.
I'm not wearing a blouse.

Okay. Look,
I'm new at this, Ben.

Okay. Jimmy?

Yes, sissy boy.

I don't know what
kind of suffering

you're going through
right now in your life,

that you feel the need
to call me a sissy.

I'm trapped in a very... wait
a second, I'm not done yet.

Okay.

But let me tell you something.
Yeah?

Calling me a sissy's not
going to help you...

Feel better about myself?
Feel better about yourself.

Ha ha ha.

Now, here comes the question
for you, Jimmy,

here comes the question...

Okay.

Or is it?

Ha ha ha.

One of the things
I need to work on is...

It kind of boiled down to
an issue of patience.

Really?

I suffer a little bit
from lack of patience.

Can you be a little more
specific?

Can you give me an example of
what you're talking about?

Well, umm, let me see... if I
were to give you a specific...

I mean, I believe you.

Nothing is... nothing is...
Springing... springing to mind.

Well, okay, something
occurred... I mean,

I was in the post office
the other day, I'm in line

and, you know, I'm waiting...
I was waiting there for...

I was there like five hours
and I almost left.

I really did.

Well, that, Jeff, is a problem
with the postal system,

more than your impatience.

Wow!

You know, I might be... I might
be extremely patient in fact.

I'm writing down "too patient".

- "Too patient." I'm too patient.
- T-o-o.

Oh, you think I am?

Do you think it might be a
problem, that I'm too patient?

No, I'm putting a
question mark after that.

"Too patient" question mark.

And then I'm writing under that
"to patient" t-o patient.

I gotta throw this pad out.

Dr. Katz, you ever ask someone
how they're doing

and then you upgrade
their response?

Yeah.

It's like, "Hey, how's it going?

Alright.

Good. Good,
bumped ya up.

How's it goin'?"

"Good.

Great!

Upgraded ya."

Sometimes people are
a little too happy

you have to downgrade them.

It's like, "How's it going?

Phenomenal."

Okay. Bring it down
a coupla notches

'cause you're a little too happy
and it's irritating.

So I'm catholic, Dr. Katz,
I'm a catholic boy.

A good catholic boy,
some might say.

I go to church
every now and then.

Mm-hmm.

Preacher's preachin',
choir's singin'...

You look up at the crucifix
and you think,

man, Jesus had great abs.

You know what I mean, right?

'Cause he was cut.

He was in shape.

That's what you want
in a savior.

You want him to be in shape.

'Cause... have you seen Buddha?

Sloppy.

Right.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppola.

We're gonna have to stop now.
Our time is up.