from you and Hamish makes 1750 which is
thank you I'd like to congratulate you
all on paying your rent on time it is a
very wise decision and I trust we make a
similar wise decision this time next
week it's our pleasure mrs. speak to
yourself Henry she's some kind of
masochist mumbling oh no moaning yes did
I detect a little grumbling among the
mumbling I wasn't merely the sound of
stones having blood squeezed out of them
all we were doing was quietly
celebrating the fact that we've just
made you a wealthy woman Perot
120 pound does not make me wealthy makes
you huntin twenty pounds wealthier than
me like all the money that comes into my
hands this is merely passing fruit well
I just place it's going to a good cause
guess what
I'll peruse it at leisure in a month or
two some people of course don't pay
rents today but it's one of the perks of
being her daughter yes you went to get
the other performers from the
Magistrates Court
what does it say define me 200 quid 200
quid just cuz they never receive my road
tax yeah that's not the point
I'm ashamed to live in a country that
picks on people just they've got a bad
memory company that paid for quizzes
nobody school equipment threatening to
repossess it that's not gonna be easy
thanks to the Kilburn Hells Angels is in
about 4,000 different pieces you know
it's a pity the names and addresses of
those Hells Angels a little more
concerned with not having his skin
pulled off so who'd like to buy my van
good morning Richard how are you bloody
terrible I've got two things I cheer you
up as guarantor of I don't know you like
I trust you've typed off my chapter one
yes I got something to say about your
word processor what's that one read if
you take to your publisher and there's
your word processor ready few distinct
mustn't be frightened of this new
technology she's got to make it
understand that you're the boss I try
but it won't believe me or for heaven's
sake woman it comes with instructions
need instructions to read the
instructions and don't call me woman
the salesman assured me a monkey could
operate this machine what a banana help
let's go through it step by step shall
we first select your workstation in
other words is this the best position
for the word processor no then where is
the best position I've narrowed it down
to the dustbin Oh press on ah now this
is the multifunctional keyboard thanks
we've already met this operates the
cursor which can also be controlled by a
mouse so just to recap what we need to
operate this machine is a monkey and now
my patience is wearing paper thin sheila
paper thin Richard I do roughly know how
to work this heap of junk beep oh I just
don't like it that's all and it gives me
I ache I spent most of today trying to
get me head out of a bottle of out
tricks chapter 2 Sheila
I'd like it programmed at your earliest
convenience just not get on with the job
I pay you to do and stop behaving like
an aesthetical Luddite
your neck could be next I shall give you
five seconds to see Sen Sheila I'm
expecting a total u-turn and a handsome
apology well if that's what you're
expecting you're an even bigger Wally
than your word processor processor Wally
the merest sliver of one of its
microchip contained the damn sight more
brain power than you can muster right do
you want to discuss this rationally yes
I do
I'm your bike and pedal right you're
fired
I resign I said it first didn't we said
it at the same time I suggest that you
visit a specialist Sheila try to explain
to him that you're feeling like a
pigheaded ostrich and ask him if it's
irreversible
you know what I think what I think one
of you should buy my van well somebody
say something what can we say Chris it's
so hard to put apathy into words come on
Hamish it goes without saying to be
investing in the future the future of
whom they love me your ultimate ambition
is to open a Scottish restaurant right
well no one ever run a successful
restaurant without a van it just can't
be done a vans essential to getting
supplies he's got a point
you can't hump tons of haggis around on
a push bike when I do open my restaurant
and I will it's gonna be a very upmarket
establishment any metal fatigue in the
vicinity but only lower the tone because
you've got impeccable taste so we have a
deal
deal well just two points I can't drag
and I'm totally broke the last thing I
need at a time like this is to waste my
sales pitch on a pauper
well Henry looks like it's your lucky
day
Wednesday's never my lucky day Chris we
do bacteriology on Wednesdays nice oh
yes it's lovely last week it involved a
prolonged analysis of a contaminated
pork pie sounds fun oh yes yes it is
really quite terrifically amusing
actually one big laugh ha there can be
few Joy's in life to compare with the
pleasures of burying one's nose in
salmonella poisoning sounds like you
need cheering up Henry what you needs a
nice banner no thanks
it'd be the best investment you ever
made you'll be the richest medical
student in town by buying your van back
and Berta get into a private ambulance
ambulance
you'd be coiling it all that van needs
is a mattress in a second done stretcher
and you're in business it's a brilliant
idea you really think so yeah I think
I'll donate my brain to science when I
die yes well you might as well now after
all it won't take up much space
my enemy I won't do look I know this is
a bad time but I really do think that
you should open this electricity bill
you see this envelopes got this little
window and I look through that window
and I saw red Oh God it's a final demand
118 pounds 50 if we don't pay it within
a week they'll cut us off when was that
posted a week ago this could be a good
time for us to join the Foreign Legion
I'm sure you don't even understand if
you gave the money to the electricity
board instead of him so innocent so
trusting so naive so thick
come on Monaco we're gonna be late
just remember Elvis Presley service that
a wheel meant for a fortune
oh so when I'm famous that van will be a
collector's piece it's already a museum
piece I think your best bet is to find a
short-sighted scrap merchants have fun
with you bank manager mom thanks mom now
have I got everything I need wallets
house keys red Kn*fe see if I had 800
quid I could clear all my debts and
still have change per packet of polos
will that be cash mrs. happy
ah it's about my weekly loan repayment
yes this is heaven the manager said
you'd be in a hundred twenty pounds
wasn't it I indeed it was yes but I lost
it no longer is however I would like to
deposit and please reassure mr. Warren
that I will have the balance in a in a
in urges mrs. husband our instructions
were to alert mr. Warren immediately if
there was any shortfall oh I shouldn't
bother about that this is not quite
three hundred and twenty pounds we
agreed is it mrs. Madden not even nearly
no are indeed remotely no in fact it'd
be no exaggeration to say that this is
only one pound fifty yes it is if it's
any consolation to you mr. Warren I'd
just like to say that this is as big a
disappointment to me as it is to you you
had a rather cavalier attitude to the
bank's money mrs. Adler I think you'll
agree this is fairly remarkable even by
your standards
what was I to do mr. Warren it was
either you or the electricity board and
what if they thought that I had a lot
for my 118 pounds fifty mr. Warren
they'd have cut me off without a
kilowatt exactly no it's it's how being
dependent on electricity in fact you
know when all this is blown over I would
like to discuss the possibility of the
banks extending my overdraft so that I
can invest in solar power it's a joke
joke mr. Warren you know Joe I don't
know whether to laugh or cry but I think
on balance I love
because our unhappy Association is about
to end you've left me no choice but to
call upon your guarantor to honor your
debt my guarantor commander Richard
Beamish I believe not while I have
breath in my body I still have half a
day left mr. Loren I told your cashier
I'd have that balance in a jiff and have
it in a jiff I will have it we close at
3:30 mrs. head mr. Warren who's a right
little Bank Erin a great one jardiniere
our mission to get it to the nearest
antique shop all in one piece
they're never so English finish I need
to buy a bit of breathing of space I've
lost my job with Richard my bank
managers showing the whites of his eyes
and frothing and I've got nothing in my
fridge if I don't do something soon I'll
be reduced to reading allotment this is
not Balkan could you not saw something
else that's the Oh God have any real
value I didn't just mean money how do
you mean well when Ben and I first
married he went out to buy me a washing
machine and he came back with that it's
very beautiful but it's hopeless with an
on fast colours
we're talking sentimental value here
right yes every time I look at that
jardinière it reminds me of the first
really blazing row we ever had but
surely even your bank manager wouldn't
want you to part with this listen if it
meant money my bank manager would like
me to part with my leg you're not giving
my ring and at least broach the size you
don't know the man who's got what did
you say
good loving no then after that broach
the subject the subject if you say that
Lorient a nice thank you thank you what
for
auntie Mary's brooch I've forgotten all
about it which is not surprising because
I've been trying to forget about it for
years
alright thought because it's
indescribable enough also very valuable
but mostly meant because I promised her
on her deathbed that I treasure it for
the rest of my life
which means I could any sell the bloody
thing when I'm dead afternoon Hamish
hello Richard were you after mrs. Hadden
when you didn't think these were for you
did you she's open my frayed selling up
job did year what ever for but as much
as you can get which way was she headed
she's with Chris and she went better we
the antique shop in high school
right you stay put I'll sh**t on him and
create a demand how do you think
creatively man
you may not realize how much she wants
this you're not going to do anything you
legalize so I'll look like a criminal
I'm not sick or not sick no matter 90
when you got me know you're doing
business with you sir goodbye old friend
I fear I shall not see your like again
still life must go on
chin up all the tap and peep peep
can I be of assistance
it's a good start the first person I've
met today wasn't pestered miss my
autograph I'm sorry what's a business
the name as you probably know is gripped
Lomax I can be contacted at the Savoy
but only CLE end of the week
come Saturday I'll be winging across to
LA to start work on a new miniseries
with Gerald add a very interesting night
one inquire as to the relevance of this
information my mum she's distraught at
losing her boy to Hollywood distraught I
want to cheer her up with a really nice
farewell Prezi and I can think of
nothing nicer than a tasty jardiniere to
match the one she's got perhaps you'd
like to give me a description well it's
sad this sort of shade all sort of dark
blue we sort of like blue twiddly bits
and it's not a frilly top sort of Art
Nouveau Vulkan sort of rings a bell to
keep your eyes peeled a you'll find the
Savoy in the other pages right you're a
very fortunate man sir
a and your mother is a very fortunate
woman one art nouveau Vulcan coming up
so will it be cash check American
Express or are you merely engaged in
that doomed pursuit of trying to put one
over on the antique dealer Oh No I've
only gonna left my wallet out in the
roller
and try to create a demand all I treated
with a giant it doesn't matter
about that I've changed my mind I'm
gonna sell the brooch you promised you
actually very yeah that's okay which was
a lifelong kleptomaniac I'm gonna sell
it back to the shop she finished it from
like that no court to to that gives me
an hour and a quarter to sell it and get
back to the bank
step on the mule and back to number 20
okay but just remember you're not the
only poor pup with a deadline
what's your deadline to sell this heap
before it runs out of petrol
yes mr. Warren no sorry don't be sorry
if she's not here within 15 minutes my
troubles already name
ah I'm sorry seven anything you still be
where I shouldn't have here I thought
you had an appointment on the golf
course no cost
yes with the chairman of the banner
chain of supermarkets I mean they are
our largest account down there I had
something else on my mind
Oh someone and you could take that silly
smirk off your face
mother is father whether it is fault
definitely his fault
lunatic my fans are right our insurance
will take care of your band will it yes
we're won't be cheap in fact there won't
be any change after days hundred quid
don't worry about six I've got the money
and the bank doesn't close for another
20 seconds
thank you help Chris and yours I'm a
hardy bloke to have around in a crisis
oh you are how did it go Oh like a dream
Hamish I sell the brooch and Chris did
something I've been longing to do for
years he rammed my bank manager and I
got paid for it put the kettle on I'm
telling all about it I want to be alone
with my judging put you back where I can
see you what can I say what can I say
except I've been to the dentist and I'm
a changed man and the name was again
well so did I I certainly did it as well
as you the last thing I want is for my
blockbuster to come between us
please feel free to continue typing on
your trusty portable Oh Richard that's
very generous of you I know how much
your microchips mean to the you yes well
the fact is Sheila that you mean more to
me than a floppy disk you sure know how
to flatter a girl come in I'll make you
something
oh one moment about your jardinière yes
what about a tragic business I know how
much it meant you and I missed you by
seconds at the antique shop however in I
went and there it was
the proprietor mr. Blakely when I told
him the circumstances and I was quietly
pleased when I managed to knock ten
percent off the price
goodbye toothache I know double vision
well Ben life goes on you know I could
trade you in for a new washing machine
now there's nobody up there objected I
could trade you in for a tumble dryer
01x04 - Episode 4
Watch/Buy Amazon
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).
Maureen Lipman played Sheila Haddon, whose husband had d*ed 18 months before the start of the first series. He d*ed without any insurance, so on top of her grief she has to pay off the mortgage of her house (No 20).